Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Jdog]

Peppermint tea helps me, too.  Yes, I know which foods trigger me but I sometimes eat them anyways. 

[sanmagic7]

let's hear it for restorative sleep!      to me, that's the best.

school lessons have changed so much over the years.  i'm really glad to hear social media is part of the learning process. 

we used to bring treats for the girls, too - bagels and cream cheese went over well.  as did pomegranates.  most had never heard of or tasted one, and they were impressed. 

keep up the good work, sweetie.  lucky students.

i'm an ibs'er, too.  it's settled down over the years, but it was my very first symptom that i was stressed out.  at that time the docs never talked to me about it, food triggers, de-stressing - nothing.  everything i learned about it was from my own research.   my biggest trigger, besides stress overload, is too much sugar.  it's a tough one for me to stay away from.  when i cave, tho, i pay for it.

anyway, keep taking care of you as best you can.  love and hugs always, sweetie.

[Wattlebird]

Just buttin in here, my d has had ibs all her life doctors were no help what so ever, her and I figured out what foods she could and couldn't tolerate although I think one doctor meantioned  stress once but said stomach migraines,

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I know some of my trigger foods but not all of them.  Sometimes avoiding garlic and onion can be so tough.

San,
Pomegranate is my favorite fruit! I look forward to their season each year.  As far as the lesson it is a very important topic.  I wish so many students didn't have so much of their self worth wrapped up in social media.  Hopefully they took a step back during my lesson and realized how great they all are.

Wattlebird,
You are always welcome! I've never heard of stomach migraines.  I've had many many ulcers.  I'll have to look into it.
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Sometimes I think I'm a bad therapy client.  I always resist.  Always always.  The truth is... I don't think I'll ever change.  I don't think there will ever come a day where I say.... today i would like to talk about trauma....

It's my natural reaction to change the subject and freak out when she points out something that I don't want to talk about.

Here's why I'm bad:  a couple weeks ago I wrote a flashback down.  I couldn't read it... I didn't want her to read it either.  She read it and then I grabbed it and crumpled it and threw it in the garbage.

Last week there was that stupid crumpled up paper waiting for me.  She took it out of the trash!!!! Ah!!!!!  So today I asked for it back.  She asked me if I promised not to throw it out.  I said no.  Instead I took it again... crumpled it up.... licked it and threw it in the trash again covered in my spit.

I wish I was making this up.  So you see... I'm a bad client... I dunno why she puts up with me. 

[Jdog]

Sorry the school levy didn't pass.  I just read that in your earlier post.  Sigh.  The public wants something for nothing, generally speaking.  Glad your job is safe, though.

In terms of being a bad client, I think you are where you are in terms of readiness to deal with flashbacks.  Your reactions are the way they are for a reason, maybe self protection now because it wasn't able to surface at the time the PA occurred.  So don't be too harsh with either little you or grown up you.   

Sending a safe hug

[sanmagic7]

db, much as you may want to believe it, for whatever reason, you are not a bad client.  that is an impossibility.  there are no bad clients, no matter what.  you know why you did what you did - every client has a reason for doing or not doing something in a session.  it comes from their trauma, not from them.

you are wounded, sweetie, so deeply.  that's not your fault.  and throwing something in the trash that's personal, even after you spit on it, tells a story about that wounding.   your t isn't 'putting up' with you, but learning about you, your history, and the effects of your trauma. 

you are a wonderful woman who's been hurt so badly she's having a hard time facing it.  thank you for sharing - i know it takes a lot of not only courage but character to do so.  i love you no matter what.  ems is gathering you in, wrapping you up in her voluminous skirts, embracing you in her warmth and caring.  i would, too, if i could.

[Sceal]

Dear Deep Blue,
First of all sending you a big big  .

Second, I agree with San. You're not a bad client. It sounds to me that you are perhaps moving forward a little too fast. And perhaps you should rather take time to talk about why you're reacting the way you are in regards to that letter, to try and work away the shame you're feeling for being "a bad client".
I don't think you can even start on such a letter before the amount of shame has been reduced.
It's scary to let another person know what happened and how you feel about it. And it takes courage to write the letter, and it takes another round of courage to share it with your therapist.
You're doing good. You are, even if that seems far fetched.

[Wattlebird]

How can you be a bad client, I dissociate when I can't face things in therapy, that's not being a bad client either, it just means your not feeling secure enough to face that trauma at that time, when your more ready to face it, it will happen, b patient with your self and think about what you would tell us if we did that, sorry to say but I laughed at your words " I wish I was making this up" those are words I can fully relate to.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I also concur strongly with the others that you are 'NOT' a bad client - I think it's most likely that parts of you don't yet feel ready to share - and they are protecting you - as they've protected you in the past - and that's because they have your back.  When the time feels right, and with appropriate prompting from your T - at a level that feels right to all parts of you - then hopefully you'll be comfortable to share some more - but in the meantime, I applaud you for the fact you're able to express your needs and pace yourself - I think that's brave - and I think you are wonderful, Deep Blue. 

Sending you a warm and loving hug 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Wow you guys, I'm so grateful for you all.  Thanks for helping me to refute my words last night. 

Jdog,
You are right.  That was for sure my teenage little that reacted that way.  She wasn't able to speak up then and still doesn't want to talk about... she feels lots of shame.

San,
Thanks for understanding me.  I lie to the world all the time.  I put on a great show you know.  No one in my life really knows what goes through my head.  The only person I share my trauma with in real life is my T.  All that acting takes a toll and I forget I have the I have the injury of cptsd.

Wattlebird,
Ha yeah I guess I chuckle too at some of the things I do.  I was talking to someone else on the forum about how I speak to my T.  I've told her on quite a few occasions to "bite me". Who does that? I will try to be more patient with myself.  It's interesting to me that my T specializes with adults but also adolescents.  It's my adolescent little that causes me problems so I guess that makes us a good fit.

Sceal,
Thanks for the encouragement.  I wonder is that is part of cptsd? If I am doing well... I have a hard time seeing it. Thanks for seeing it. Deep breaths... I may write about the flashback here at some point.  It's not violent or anything... just embarrassing. 

Hope,
You are right I think.  My little is scared. She doesn't want to talk about it.  She is acting out because she wants to block out the memory.  She's not bad... she's just very scared.  I think I need to communicate with her and let her know that my T is a safe place. I just don't know how to do that...

Love you all 

[Deep Blue]

I've been thinking... not always a good thing... 

Controlling... mind warping...
I was so under the control of my abuser.  That's where my shame comes from.  I'm so ashamed of what I did.  I'm ashamed that it got as bad as it did. 
*** trigger warning physical abuse and emotional abuse*****



My abuser was so sadistic.  So much pleasure from ordering me around, or from hitting me, or from shoving me in the trunk of a car... deep breath deep breath....   how can I ever feel anything but shame?  I've heard people who love the dumb 50 shades of grey movies.  I don't like sadism... my abuser was such a sadist their imagination was endless... so that's it... so many bad memories... so much shame...

[sanmagic7]

i may be medicated to the hilt right now, db, but i want to tell you, 1- the shame belongs to your abuser.  we've all done things that, under 'normal' circumstances, we wouldn't think of doing.  abuse and trauma aren't normal circumstances.  you were put into a situation where your way to survive and/or stay sane was to do or let be done terrible things.  that's not on you, never on any of us, no matter how young or old we were.

2 - you are beginning to bring those 'things' to light, and that's what helps wither them, burn them with a righteous flame, and ultimately destroy them.  thank you for sharing.  i believe this is a form of self-care, and you are doing beautifully.  step by step as you become ready.  love and hugs always.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you a heartfelt hug  - I also agree wholeheartedly that the shame belongs to your abuser.  You survived some terrible things - I wish I had more words.   
Hope 

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

I can only echo the eloquent words that have already been expressed and to let you know that you are always safe here and I'm so glad you can express this painful set of memories with us.  The shame isn't yours, never was.  I know it feels otherwise, since I also have shame which is taking a long time to dissipate. 

You are terrific, bright, wonderful, and loving.  I'm so glad to have you as an online buddy.  Sending a big hug and a cup of peppermint tea to go with it!

[Deep Blue]

San,
It's amazing how many times I find myself saying something to myself that I would never say to others.  I would never shame an abuse victim... and yet it's second nature to carry shame about myself. 

Hope,
You offering a hug is lovely.  Im safe now has been a recent motto.  Thanks for always being so kind to me 

Jdog,
Thanks for the tea.  I appreciate you as an online buddy too! 
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Well I got snuck up on and hit with a pretty bad flashback today.  I took the day off work so I could take my son to the eye doctor.  I put him down for a nap and was trying to clean up around the house.  I leaned over the back of the couch to grab a cup and it hit me.

Rough flashback and I don't want to get into what it was about yet.  So I'm trying to be gentle with myself for the rest of the day.  It sorta just knocked my feet right out from under me.

Just trying to relax here and sip some tea till I can take full breaths again.