Messages

thanks, mftb.  you may be right.  hard to tell from this end at the moment.  sucky feeling.  this one is new to me.

my little me is now cowering in a corner in the pit of my stomach.  i just finished posting a few responses, and felt very shaky.  i don't trust myself, my adult self, so it's difficult for little sannyswee to trust that i'm going to take care of her.

i talked to my hub about it, he said it explains a lot about some of my past behavior.  like, we have a discussion about something, he goes on his way thinking it's all over, and 3 days later i have more to say, and he didn't understand why i was still bringing it up.  what i don't understand is why he hasn't bailed on me, even tho in the past 6 mos. i most earnestly gave him the chance to leave this madness.  must be love.  i just wish i could feel it!  it must feel incredible!  *sobbing at the thought - this is so sad to me.  just awful!*

i reached out to the emdr community that i belong to, and a past moderator gave me 2 different specific activities to try which might help the faulty connections in my brain.  and, i thought more about the idea of being broken like my hub's leg is broken, but when i talked to him about it, i realized that it's not the same, not to me, at least.  he was able to put a brace on his leg, and use crutches to get around.  maybe not like people with 2 good legs, but could still get around.  i have no brace or crutches for what's going on in my head.  this is my communication, a life and means that i have cherished.  it's not feeling physical to me right now, altho i guess it is.  i don't know.  this sucks.   

and i tried another exercise that i read about online, that of being still and asking myself 'what am i feeling?'.  after a feeling came to mind, the next question was to be 'why am i feeling this?'  the woman who wrote this said that in 'just 10 minutes a day, you can fix your alexithymia'.  well, i spent a half hour waiting for a feeling, and none came.  but, when i thought of her saying it'll only take 10 min. a day, i got annoyed.  but, i needed that trigger first.  i don't know.  i guess i'll just keep working on this as i'm able.  meanwhile, my little me will just have to survive this.  i can't help her right now.

ya know, in situations like this i wonder if 'paranoia' is really the correct term?  if there is truly a danger lurking, or a real possibility of such, i don't think you're paranoid, but being practical about looking out for yourself.  your intuition, or your gut feeling, i believe in them.  if they're sending you messages of possible danger, who's to say that's not true?  when i feel ill at ease in a situation, i believe there's a reason for it.   our antennae have been honed to detect danger for years.  i think we've often heard the phrase 'don't be so paranoid' during our lives when we feel that something is off, and too many times it turns out it was.  hang in there.  i think you're doing really well in a difficult situation, too.  hopefully, it shall pass sooner rather than later.

beautiful concept, woodsgnome.

and they brought out a big smile, 3 roses.  thanks.  and, hey, coloring is an idea!  maybe i'll go find me a coloring book and some crayons.   hmmm . . .

this helps make it so clear.  thanks so much.

hi, and glad you made it here.  this forum has helped me so much, the people have shown not only support but kindness and caring.  hopefully, you will also find it a positive experience in encouraging you to grow and ultimately blossom. 

personally, if he told your friend to ask you herself, it sounds like it's ok.  so, if she's asked you and if you want to go, then go.  if it feels right at the party, maybe you want to talk to him.  the whole thing sounds awkward to me, like he feels awkward inviting you himself.  i don't know the politics there, or the hierarchy, if he's afraid of blatantly asking you because the other guy might be upset, or what the complexities of all of it might be.  i'm just sorry you've been put in such an uncomfortable position in all this.  sucks.

and i have just reached another realization that helps explain why i have been so sick for so long.  so, the contentment i felt just a bit ago has been replaced by more uncertainties, more adjustments, new acceptances.  whack-a-mole.  one gets settled, another has popped up.

i give you a lot of credit for quitting using and facing your true self.  i am recovering from subs abuse for about 15 yrs., and the clarity can be painful, but it also shines on the positive parts, which are very important to see as well.  i don't doubt you have plenty of those that have been hidden behind your smokescreen.   keep up the good work.  in my mind, it's worth it.

enjoy your tea.  sounds to me like 'mother knows best' and was a wise woman.  it takes someone special to be able to see through her own offspring, and theirs as well, and tell it like it is.

you're right about that, mftb.  i'm still unsure how to be able to communicate during conversations.  it happened yesterday w/ my daughter, and i only realized it afterwards what happened.  i really do take cues from what others say, how they're expressing themselves, what they're feeling in order to get some semblance of what i'm supposed to be feeling, or what i might be feeling.  now that i'm aware of it, it's rather a strange phenomenon to grasp.  it's such a total disconnect within me.  i understand that with time and practice, the brain, and it's neuroplasticity, can repair itself, but at my age, i don't know that that's possible anymore.  so, i think what might be best for me is to accept this as is, and attempt more mindfulness.  maybe i can catch it more quickly, correct, adjust, stop myself.  we'll see.

sometimes the simplest way is the best.  'i'm having some issues, and i want to take a break from the sibs for awhile'.   don't have to point fingers, or explain.  if she asks what issues, again, simple - 'i'm not comfortable talking about them right now.  i have some figuring out to do.  not to worry, it'll be ok.' 

i hope it goes well when you see everyone.  good luck and best to you.

back atcha.  you made me smile.  to say that to me when i'm such a mess is what's awesome, 3 roses.  wow!  still smiling.  feeling calmer.  i talked to my brother about this, he was great, too.  still loves me, even if i'm broken. 

my girlfriend pointed out to me last nite - i'm remembering this now - that my husband is broken, too.  he got polio when he was 3, can't walk w/o a brace on his leg and crutches, but he's managed to adapt with that 'broken' leg that will never be fixed.  today, that's making sense to me.  i think i'll make it, altho i'm still a little shaky.  one step at a time.  thank you.

dang, i love blue hair!  tried to get it once, but they made it green. not the same.

o, and by the by, welcome.  glad you made it here.