i agree about the cycles - they will come and go, but, i've found that as i continue in recovery, the cycles come around less often, and for a shorter period of time.
just a thought on the whole idea of the x fooling others: i've struggled with that for about 6 months, and it rips me up sometimes. my ex-husband narc has been fooling people forever. well, me included. a few years ago i discovered he was also a misogynist, that my daughter told him so. he and i (we were still in contact then) were talking about it, said he took it to the female therapist he'd been seeing. she told him no way, he'd been her client for a year and a half, she'd know if he was a woman-hater. then he said to me 'i'm a really good liar'.
and, i think that sums it up for the narcs of the world - they are really good liars. they know just what sorts of things to say and do that put them in a good light for the outside world, and even for those who know them more intimately, like a therapist. since many, if not most, therapists don't know the true nature of npd (i've been a therapist for 25 yrs., didn't really know the ins and outs of it till it all hit me in the face in my personal life like a ton of bricks! we sure weren't taught much, if anything, about this personality disorder, just a general 'self-absorbed, wants attention' kind of thing.), they can be easily fooled through no fault of their own. as we bring this to their attention, i believe the more motivated and caring therapists will rise to the occasion and do some investigating. and tell their colleagues. just like with c-ptsd. i had to explain the difference between this and regular ptsd to my own therapist just a few days ago - she's young and green, and there's no diagnosis for c-ptsd in the therapist's bible - the dsm. so, she had nothing else to go on. but she listened, and i think she learned.
so, sienna, hang tough. i know it sounds trite, but sometimes it's all we have. just know that on this forum you are being heard and understood because we're going through much the same things, or have similar experiences. and, i give you credit for venting it out here, even when you're feeling like no one is reading/listening. yes, we are. sometimes we're also going through something tough, and are hanging on by our fingernails as well, and just don't have the energy to deal with what someone else is going through. but, that doesn't mean we're not still here. we are.
one thought that helped get me through the 'it's so unfair' thinking was about rape victims, and how often their perpetrators have gotten away with that violation, gone home to friends and family who would never guess what s/he was capable of. and, i thought to myself, these victims have had to find a way to deal with a lack of justice or retribution, and if they can do it, then, by god, so can i. i don't know if that helps you, i don't know where it came from, but i do know that since that thought swam through my head, my yearning for justice, fairness, and retribution diminished. i thought i'd share in case it might help you. best to you. you're not alone.
just a thought on the whole idea of the x fooling others: i've struggled with that for about 6 months, and it rips me up sometimes. my ex-husband narc has been fooling people forever. well, me included. a few years ago i discovered he was also a misogynist, that my daughter told him so. he and i (we were still in contact then) were talking about it, said he took it to the female therapist he'd been seeing. she told him no way, he'd been her client for a year and a half, she'd know if he was a woman-hater. then he said to me 'i'm a really good liar'.
and, i think that sums it up for the narcs of the world - they are really good liars. they know just what sorts of things to say and do that put them in a good light for the outside world, and even for those who know them more intimately, like a therapist. since many, if not most, therapists don't know the true nature of npd (i've been a therapist for 25 yrs., didn't really know the ins and outs of it till it all hit me in the face in my personal life like a ton of bricks! we sure weren't taught much, if anything, about this personality disorder, just a general 'self-absorbed, wants attention' kind of thing.), they can be easily fooled through no fault of their own. as we bring this to their attention, i believe the more motivated and caring therapists will rise to the occasion and do some investigating. and tell their colleagues. just like with c-ptsd. i had to explain the difference between this and regular ptsd to my own therapist just a few days ago - she's young and green, and there's no diagnosis for c-ptsd in the therapist's bible - the dsm. so, she had nothing else to go on. but she listened, and i think she learned.
so, sienna, hang tough. i know it sounds trite, but sometimes it's all we have. just know that on this forum you are being heard and understood because we're going through much the same things, or have similar experiences. and, i give you credit for venting it out here, even when you're feeling like no one is reading/listening. yes, we are. sometimes we're also going through something tough, and are hanging on by our fingernails as well, and just don't have the energy to deal with what someone else is going through. but, that doesn't mean we're not still here. we are.
one thought that helped get me through the 'it's so unfair' thinking was about rape victims, and how often their perpetrators have gotten away with that violation, gone home to friends and family who would never guess what s/he was capable of. and, i thought to myself, these victims have had to find a way to deal with a lack of justice or retribution, and if they can do it, then, by god, so can i. i don't know if that helps you, i don't know where it came from, but i do know that since that thought swam through my head, my yearning for justice, fairness, and retribution diminished. i thought i'd share in case it might help you. best to you. you're not alone.