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very insightful stuff, SO.  so glad you went with your gut all those times.  unfortunately, the therapeutic field is filled with too many people who are unaware of what trauma contains, what it's made of, or what horrible consequences it's left on a client.  and, dang, my dander was raised about blaming you for not 'getting there'.  that's never on the client.  rather, it's that the therapist doesn't know (yet or ever) how to help the client get to where they want or need to go.

unfortunately, it's a mindfield (i know the word is supposed to be minefield, but my fingers spelled this out instead, and i think it fits, too) out there when it comes to getting proper help from professionals.  my very first therapist ended up being a NPD, but of course i didn't know anything about me or any of this stuff at the time, and took her word on everything as gospel, so to speak.  it wrecked me, i pressed charges against her with the state board eventually, (it took me 8 yrs. to be able to finally get up the courage) and they told me i was correct in doing so. 

so, yes, going w/ your gut is so important.  i'm glad you can see more clearly now, even if you weren't able to do so at the time.  and i had to wonder inside what a bossy and controlling anybody was doing at a shamanic ritual in the first place!  so we live and learn.  i'm glad you made it out, and have made it thru until now.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

Bach, i echo NK's words of wisdom.  the struggle of staying here, making it thru each day, just seems overwhelming at times.  i relate to that all the time.  looking back, it's what i see my entire life to be - one big struggle.  it's so wearing.  hang on tight, ok?  we're here with you.  you are so much more than your mother's expectations.  love and hugs

SO, that shaman experience pinged me, like it was something you've experienced in your past which is why it happened in your present.  i mean, the idea of people presenting themselves as helpers, someone there who was supposed to take care of you, but ended up doing quite the opposite, and were awful to you instead.  that's what your experience spoke to me. it must have been absolutely terrifying.

thanks for sharing.  i've actually been one who did some drugs in my past for 'fun', but ended up being quite paranoid sometimes, having panic attacks, etc., believing my friends were laughing at me - so, no, it was not very much fun at all a lot of times, altho at other times it was a laugh riot. stopped all that quite a while ago, tho.  not worth it.

and i agree, EF's seem to take all power away to make rational decisions at times.  ugh!

i hope you find some peace soon, are able to get your feet under you, so to speak, and can experience some restful sleep.  i know compliments can be difficult, but i wouldn't say anything of that sort to you unless i truly believed it.  you are wonderful.  love and hugs

SO, honestly, i feel your pain.  the idea of not being seen or heard - yep.  and the fact that very few professionals, including therapists let alone doctors know about or understand c-ptsd - yep, again.  it's frustrating at the very least. adds to not being able to be seen or heard even when we're screaming it from the mountaintops!

i've also been to that dark place more times than i can count.  i'm reaching out my hand to you to let you know i do see you, i do hear you, and you're not alone traveling thru this blasted tunnel of time that continually can pull us back into it when all we want to do is be free of it.  i'm with you.

by the by, you're one of those wonderful people here on the forum - i hope you know that. love and hugs

too hot in my room w/o the a/c, and woke up early, sweaty, even tho it wasn't that hot outside.  guess i just have to stumble thru the summer.  i can always nap.

my D brought up something last nite, talking to a friend, and she told me that she'd told him about the dynamic about her parents, how her F left all the discipline to her M, (she said he didn't do *, which he really didn't - i would say 99% of everything that was done in our house was because of me), and she said it wasn't fair to me cuz it made me the bad guy throughout her childhood. 

even when she said it, i thought to myself, no, it's too late to be bringing this stuff up (it was during the time after we'd both gone to our rooms, me for my routine before going to sleep), and sure enough.  when i finally laid down, thoughts about this jumped up and ambushed me, and i had to resort to eye movements telling him to 'go away'.  it was ugly having to try to fall asleep with that rattling around in my head.

i hate this crapola.

i'm having pretty good luck w/ the anxiety at bedtime - i continue to do my eye movements and telling myself i can rest, i can relax, i can sleep, i am enough, i've done enough (this one often goes to thoughts of D1, which has been one of the toughest), i am enough.  unfortunately, last nite i was up most of the nite cuz i couldn't get rid of unwanted thoughts about the past.  that sucked.

but wimbledon/the championships has been great - very interesting.

hey, bach, and then there are the things our mothers didn't teach us were important, like taking care of ourselves, respecting our boundaries, and knowing we are enough.  you are enough, what you've accomplished is enough, what you want is enough. 

i wonder if that 'inner child' who you think might be your M could be just her voice, her expectations of you, her 'shoulds' she's laid on you.

we've gotten so much neg. from our supposed caretakers, and so little pos., i think it's really difficult at times to flip that switch.  sometimes we can know to dig the neg. out, but find it hard to know what to replace it with.  i'm with you.  love and hugs

glad you're feeling better, hope.  i understand how emotional peoples' stories can be for us, books/movies, cuz i've shed my share of tears throughout my life becuz of them.  i also understand the feeling of not wanting to continue reading/watching something cuz it cuts too close to the bone.  there have been several books i've had to stop reading, several movies i've had to stop watching for the same reason.  too emotional in the wrong way.

once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

yeah, it sounds like a lot    NK.  dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation).  seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well.  and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself.  there's a lot there to process.

i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.

and, congratulations on your therapy progress.  the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

yep, got the chapbook in on time, so that's a big bunch of stress off my shoulders.  i know nothing will come of it, but you know what?  i frickin' did it!  so i have no regrets for not giving it a shot. let the chips fall where they may.

editing is going well also.  and now wimbledon for 2 weeks, so i'm doing ok.

probably, blueberry.  that was monstrous of them to do that to you, by the way.  i'm so very sorry you had to experience that from them.  you didn't deserve it, still don't.  i'm hoping for more lovely conversations to come your way.  love and hugs

maybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry.  things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them.  just a thought.

at any rate, i hope you can accept that what your system needs right now is gentleness and kindness - sending love and a hug filled with both your way.

hey, NK, i truly relate to not having feelings about things that happened in childhood, and having to cope with them now as they begin coming up.  i'm right there with you - c-ptsd sucks!  i've often found it overwhelming, too, to have these feelings pop up and don't always know what to do with them.  from my experience, as i kept going w/ them, they became easier in time to cope with.

i'm glad you realized that therapy can still be helpful.  c-ptsd has such a stunning array of ways to get to us, and i've found having help and support extremely important as i kept finding more.  best to you!  love and hugs

glad you're able to see that, blueberry.  i concur wholeheartedly!  sounds like a lovely little encounter.  love and hugs

sending you a hug of comfort and care, bach 

i remember being told many times from 12-steppers to 'let go and let God', and i would say that it wasn't me hanging onto anything, cuz the 'stuff' was hanging onto me.  i do believe that's how this works.  it's not necessarily anything we are ABLE to let go of, try as we might.  this stuff has a hold on us thru neural networks or whatever so the 'letting go' thing just isn't our reality.

i do believe, however, this, too, shall pass, as i've heard many times here on the forum, and have experienced that many times as well.  i just hope you can take care of yourself as best you can while you go thru this part of the c-ptsd beast, and hang on till you come out the other side.  love and hugs