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I suppose this is ICr. on the rampage. I bought a card and small present for one of the couples at the farm who had a baby a couple of days ago. I didn't need to but I wanted to. I asked another farm person today at the market for ideas and she gave me a few, one of which I decided to get. I took a long time to decide in the shop. Even though I know, I know, it's the thought that counts. Also: the proceeds from this shop go to support something this farm couple totally support themselves, so even if they didn't like the present, at least the money wasn't 'wasted' and anyway it's edible. If they don't want it, someone else on the farm will.

But none of those justifications help really. Because ICr. is not interested in that, ICr. absorbed FOO's constant criticism of me in every respect. This is not about: Can I make a good decision? This is about: Blueberry cannot be allowed to believe in herself in case the whole dysfunctional FOO construct comes tumbling down, hurting/destroying other FOO mbrs on the way. As usual it becomes clearer as I write about it. Regularly, I feel almost paralysed in decision-making because of this.

I feel better for having come onto the forum to write about it and to read other posts.

I came on here ready to be angry at FOO, especially at enF but it seems to have all disappeared.

I'm so angry that enF went behind my back to get information about me from friends. He claimed to be worried about me. Why?? I wrote that I was OK. Sure he wants a more detailed answer but I don't owe him one. I'm an adult! I'm not as his beck and call anymore to do what he wants.

I feel like telling him that you don't always get what you want in life.  I certainly don't. FOO including enF has been telling me to put up and shut up for decades. And again and again: where were they (my parents) when I was a child and needed them? Or even at last Horrendous FOO Event? I could have done with help then too. The other sibling refused but FOO mbrs send their "love" via enF. It's nauseating. How can you possibly call that "love"? 

Today I made progress in calmly stating my boundary and then sticking to it. Just repeating "Yes, it was nice of you to want to help me, but please don't in future, please leave that area to me, it is mine." I didn't allow myself to be side-tracked by this person's justifications about why she was doing work in my part of the garden, why she thought it was somebody else's (not mine)

I ended the conversation by leaving, as the person was trying to dump her concerns about the landlords on to me and wasn't taking my suggestion that she speak to ll herself on board. She wanted me to do the work.  uh, uh.You gotta do it yourself.

I like to do crosswords and other word games. A few days ago I noticed I was able to get more answers in the cryptic puzzles. Not that many, but more than before.

In addition, there are puzzles in my crossword magazines which go something like this: John's house has a blue roof, his neighbour's house has a green door and no basement. Sally's house has an attic and her door is not yellow. Then there are always two more people and some information about them. You have to fill in a table of everybody's roof and door colour and 2-3 other criteria. It's a puzzle of logic and deduction and up until now I could never do these puzzles, ever. Now all of a sudden I can. I haven't been practising or anything like that. It's really - I can suddenly do them. Breakthrough in brain function! cptsd affects the brain so I presume somewhere in my brain some healing has happened   

I can also now do the simplest number puzzles, though not sudoku etc., more ones that involve mental arithmetic or even working out the arithmetic on paper.   

So continuing with beneficial and constructive but edging in a bit with self-accountable. Not expecting a full turn-around on this, healing over night or anything but just giving myself a gentle nudge.

I already started about 5-6 weeks ago with taking my thyroid supplements daily despite knowing that there's a rebel in me somewhere who doesn't like doing things regularly, especially things that are beneficial to me. That rebel's being surprisingly quiet atm though. Never a squeak about me and these meds. Being accountable to self means continuing this post some other time when I'm less tired 

Dear T.B.,

You list many positive attributes to our friendship that I never mentioned in my previous email. I feel that my trying to explain what's been bothering me in our friendship has been pushed out of the way. Yet you asked me a number of times to please try and tell you. It's possibly not what you expected, but I can't help that and begin to be true to myself simultaneously.

I can imagine that my previous email might read as if there are no positives in our friendship. I'm sorry if I came across that way. That's not what I meant. However, dragging up and listing positives from several years ago negates the possibility that some aspects of the friendship might have changed or deteriorated, or just that with my own continual healing process I'm beginning to notice problematic aspects I never noticed before. Yes, that's it. It really is the latter explanation.

On the one hand you seem to accept that I say I have trouble looking after my own boundaries in contact with you. On the other hand in the very same email you semi-ask/semi-state that we've always been able to tell each other when one of us ran over the other's boundaries, haven't we? NO. As I said, it is very difficult for me to do that and you seem to have an easier time with that, including repeatedly telling me last year that something I said in a previous phone conversation ruined your whole evening, or even the fact that the conversation got too long or I spoke too much. When I write that, I realise we should have been having a conversation on this issue last year! That, or one or the other of us ought to have been taking concrete steps toward change. If my phone conversations were that hard on you, it would have been good on your part to initiate less contact. So it's just as well I've initiated less contact this year. Probably you weren't able to last year or didn't want to maybe, still getting enough out of our friendship.

I admit, I wasn't able to due to dependency. I have a lot of trouble setting limits or even just stating my wishes. The legacy of gaslighting and complete rejection of me by FOO members still loomed very large last year. I know I often allowed you to go over my limits on the phone. Sometimes I switched off a bit, drifted in my thoughts and got pretty close to SH while you talked or else I made a concerted effort to put my own problems and troubles aside, akin to putting them in a bank vault the way I do with troublesome memories, to give my attention to you and your problems from last year. They seemed at first to be temporary, maybe, but those legal issues went on and on for months and still I held out. My mistake, mea culpa. But Idk it seems when I write that in retrospect I see I should have protected myself better and set limits earlier, you write justifying your neediness as if you don't even acknowledge or maybe just can't see that my health and well-being should have a place for me too. I can understand that it's unfortunate for you that I'm finally putting myself first, but it's the only healthy route for me.

I can read your email  in one frame of mind and think to myself or to you: "you're right, you have a point" but in a different frame of mind I'm thinking "Wait a minute... This isn't all my fault". The latter is what I thought when I finally got out of FOO geographical sphere of influence after Horrendous Event no. 2. So this makes me think that I'm somewhat enmeshed with you. Presumably due to your and my problems, there's a fair bit of unhealthy going on in our friendship.

End of for the moment __________________________ Blueberry

I think my own letter here is getting into a circular discussion and I'm pretty sure if I try and justify myself any more to this friend, we'll just end up in a circular conversation of non-comprehension, possibly on both sides. Coincidentally when reading some news websites this evening I came across a lifestyle article on what to do with a conflict with your BFF. One of the points made was the importance of clearly identifying and naming the problem (I'm trying to do that here) and another point made was that once you realise what the problem is you might have to do a lot of soul-searching and 'work on self' to move forward. I'm no stranger to work-on-self though sometimes quite frankly I get sick of it and in the last little while I've been trying to prioritise. I'm not prioritising the sorting out of this conflict with this particular friend! I have a never-ending To Do list in my head of healing topics for Screen Processing, for EFT, for T appointment, for writing on here, for waiting while healing takes its time etc etc. Trying to learn to put myself first and not on the back burner is an antidote to the way I put myself on the back burner to help her through her problems last year. I hurt myself last year emotionally (my fiddling with my hair even if not necessarily pulling it out while on the phone to her is a very strong sign and I was conscious of doing that last year), now it's time I made a well-worn path of neural network called Prioritising Myself.

Another massive long post from me. Kudos to anybody who reads it or part of it - hope it helps you too in that case. But really it's about me writing for myself in a way I can't in my paper journal and coming to my own conclusions.

This topic has been moved to Suicide Ideation/Self Harm.
because of mentions of self harm
http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10184.0

I'll be away on holiday and completely off the forum for about a week. 

This topic has been moved to Suicide Ideation/Self Harm.
because suicide is mentioned a few times
http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10064.0

I noticed today while out and about wearing my sunglasses that they don't bother me anymore. I no longer feel terribly self-conscious when wearing them. For me, this is huuuuuge!

Emotional abuse: My FOO specialised in making fun of me especially about my appearance. It got to the stage where I didn't want to be seen at all because of feeling so vulnerable to nasty remarks about and unkind laughter at anything and everything to do with my appearance. This had a terrible effect on me for decades. Wearing sunglasses used to be really, really difficult. I knew people could see I was self-conscious. Some people took advantage of that to heap more criticism on me, others avoided me, still others would ask me why I was so 'nervous' and tense, why I didn't smile. None of that helped, all made the situation worse in fact.

Now I've just suddenly noticed I can wear my sunglasses without being self-conscious at all. 

Last night we had a choir outing. One of the men, an older one, makes a kind of joke of shaking your hand with a steel-like grip and shaking a bit too long too. This time it hurt across the back of my hand. And I objected. He tried to make a joke about it as well as telling me the name of the bones / ligaments affected. I did not allow myself to be deflected. I told him to lay off and not do it again. One person was standing close by and actively listening while others might also have heard. That didn't deter me though in times gone by it would've.

There's still some part of me - ICr. I guess - berating me for 1) making a fuss about nothing  2) being mean to a senior citizen
3) making myself look and sound 'ridiculous' (thanks FOO for all those messages, NOT). But I stand by what I did and said. 

This topic has been moved to Sexual Abuse.
because more appropriate there
http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9979.0

Inspired by a query and response on here, I'm finally setting up this thread (which I've been thinking about on and off).

For those of us who are hard-up, what are your creative, inspirational, maybe even fun ways of not spending money?

I'll start:
1) I save money on food by picking and eating wild herbs and even just weeds in my garden (UK) / yard (N.Am) I tend to lack energy and an ability to pull through with projects so picking and eating what grows on its own is good for me. Planting and tending a vegetable garden wouldn't be.

1a) Other uses for plants: a friend told me ivy (hedera helix) can be used instead of laundry detergent which I've been trying out but I'm not quite convinced.

2) I'm starting to look for small pets to look after rather than getting my own. This way I can avoid paying for the vet and all food, bedding etc for pets will be covered by owners.

Dear Landlord,

Can you pleeeeeaaaaaase give me the information I've been waiting for for about 6 weeks?? It was your idea to lower my rent so I don't have to put my office in my apartment where there's no obvious good place for it. And now no matter how often I remind you, in what form i.e. spoken when I see you or as an email as you recently suggested, you don't get back to me on it. 

I hate being strung along like this! I feel so powerless. I'm at your mercy so to speak. You suggested lowering my rent but there's no way I can force you to or force you to hurry up or anything.



I was so relieved when you suggested it, like an answer to my prayer. And now? I wait in limbo.

This topic has been moved to Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here because it's new mbr intro, not a question about OOTS.

http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9878.0

I hardly know how to title this progress.

For a good few years I've been pretty triggered by any unexpected actions in the garden, which is shared space. I do have beds which are in my use, as some other people do too, but other parts of the garden are no-one's or communal. So somebody heavily pruned a tree - me severely triggered. Took me a couple of years to figure out that a tree being pruned in front of a wall changed the appearance of the garden and made me feel unsafe. I also used to have nightmares upon nightmares of other tenants or the previous landlord taking over my bits of the garden - rooting up all my plants or covering them in concrete or planting their own stuff in my space. (I can imagine as I re-read that sentence what all that has to do with FOO )

Today when I opened a window I noticed big darkish blocks lying on the grass next to my bed of berries and currants. I stayed in the present  No EF. No waves of panic or fear, or annoyance. I looked again more closely and saw that it's part of renovations going on in the next door building. I also saw that huge stones and roots and earth are all piled up as they're being dug out but that they are also being piled up in such a way that they are not damaging my red and black currants and my raspberries. I noted while doing it all how big this is! Nobody is so far infringing on my garden space or damaging my 'crops'. And my garden space and crops, even though they are sort of mine, they're not my body. They are separate from me. Something that looks as if it could threaten them doesn't threaten me and my body integrity. I note while I write it: this is huge. Big breakthrough. 

Reading a recent post of Elphanigh's reminded me in a good way of the dog we had when I was growing up. I wrote some stuff, then deleted so as not to hijack.
Our dog meant so much to me. In early days in therapy, so years ago, when asked for somebody in FOO I could go to in my imagination, the only ahem person was the dog. Now I'm sure a T who knows their cptsd stuff wouldn't tell you to go to FOO in your imagination, but 17-18 years ago... Anyway I insisted the only safe FOO mbr was our dog, who was no longer alive and even if she had been, she would've been with FOO.

I wrote spontaneously on Elpha's thread "I'm not sure I would have survived as intact as I have without her. Though god knows I'm not very intact." I can't imagine, no, I don't even want to try and imagine what it would have been like without her.  She was the only FOO member who was there for me, the only one to show unconditional love, the one who was always happy to see me come home, the one who never greeted me with a barrage of criticism over my appearance. She greeted the whole family enthusiastically, it wasn't just me. She included me though, whereas the rest of FOO excluded me from love, protection and those beneficial things. For years after she died, I used to think about her and cry. I don't cry anymore, but I do think about her.

Yesterday in my therapy session I decided officially and finally to stop trying to get a 'normal' P/T job in the 'normal' workforce, with an employer. After 17 years struggling in therapy and work-onself between times to recover enough to support myself in the medium-term or even long-term, I have decided that a) it's not going to happen in the medium-term and b) it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure. Now that I've made this decision, I can literally feel the pressure falling away. I feel e.g. that no, I won't need to pay for a healing retreat in August just so as I can keep going.  This strenuous "keep-going" was keeping going not with life but with life not accepting my disability as such.

I know somebody on here once commented on a post of mine with "disability?? Hm, no, don't like that  " but in my country you can have official disability status for psychological reasons, not just physical or mental. The definition is: being incapable of living / working at what would be considered a normal level / in a normal way for someone of your age for 6 months or longer. (If you break your leg, it'll disable you temporarily but it doesn't count).

I've never really been able to keep up with someone of my age especially speed - it's chronic. And it's getting worse rather than better despite the fact that the brain injury called cptsd is certainly healing somewhat, my condition is certainly improving but not related to work.

I will continue my easier freelance profession, one-on-one language teaching. I'm actually self-taught, which I feel proud of accomplishing and the work does me good. But I can't do enough of it, efficiently enough to support myself. My 'real' profession is somewhat connected but much harder now for me. I haven't quite decided to let that go completely but I can feel internally that I'm getting closer to a willingness to do so.

This is a huge step       

This topic has been moved to The Cafe.
Mbr has already posted on Welcome Board and The Cafe is a good place for getting to know other mbrs
http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9690.0

Kizzie mentioned betrayal trauma to another poster on the Adult Onset Board. I didn't want to hijack so writing here. For a few years now I've felt betrayed by my enF. If I delved deeper, I'd find out why but I don't want to rn. Just noting the existence of betrayal trauma in childhood instead.