Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[sanmagic7]

dang, i had written a whole reply, and the keyboard jumped it into oblivion.  i hate it when that happens.

i'd like to join 3 roses in giving you warm hugs filled with love and caring.  you don't have to be perfect to warrant those - those are given freely to someone who absolutely is more than any demon.  you demonstrated that and more.  not so long ago, i was writing your exact same words - i was weary to the bone of the battle all my life, exhausted, ready to lie down and stay there.

but, something made me get up again, just as it has with you.  you have a light to shine on the world, sweetie.  you haven't quite reached the switch yet, but you're on your way.  you were in a trough, but pretty soon you'll catch a wave and hang ten again.  that's all this is, troughs and waves.  we ride them out cuz that's what we do, it's what we've always done.

pppbbbbbbbch!!! (that's supposed to be giving the raspberry) to all those demons who hang around, trying to de-feet us.  nay nay, i say!  we've got kindness, caring, and love on our side.  can't beat them.  love and hugs always, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you San. you always have the right words. Even when your keyboard goes crazy and you have to start over. I am coming back around but reaching okay is going to take a while. I know that had I not called a friend during lunch I would probably not be here right now to type this. It is hard to jump back from knowing that I wanted so badly to stop feeling.. and that I am so capable of having my mind reach that place..

Progress, I did just toss out any med that I had that I am not currently taking. I had a few bottles of Prazosin and a couple bottles of strong pain killers... I flushed them for good measure.. symbolic I guess. I had to get rid of what I would have taken.. It made me sad almost for a second, but I realize I am stronger than what you called this trough. So I did it to keep myself safe if I got back to that state. I know recovering from that is hard.. I have been here before, someone saved me then too. It seems I am worth saving

I am glad you see the light that I have to shine. I am trying to believe I have that, it is hard sometimes. Especially days like today, when my demons take over... when I just want to stop fighting and be done...

Processing the emotions that are starting to come as a result of this will be hard. I am struggling with it as they slowly start to hit me. It makes me sad, and is this huge ache.. like I can go from monday feeling on top of the world to Wednesday truly believing I want to take pills and be done.. I hate it.. I am trying to hard to be stable.. to be better.. to be that light that everyone seems to see in me. One I am still searching for.

I just want to curl up and cry... lay in someones arms and collapse for a bit..To let out all the pain so I can start over tomorrow... I don't get that though. I don't have anyone for that anymore. I won't have anyone physically here for that for at least another month.. I am such a physically affectionate person that this is truly causing me great pain... My inner child needs to feel sheltered and warm again.. so the rest of me can deal with the last 24 hours..

Sorry that was long.. that whole heart pouring thing is starting to happen

[sanmagic7]

you don't need to apologize.  we all have to pour it out sometimes.  this is your place, your space.  we're here for you, not expecting anything in return, certainly not apologies for doing what's important for you.

kudos to you for flushing the pills.  that not only took guts, it took a will to keep going no matter how deep the trough may seem.  i wish you had those arms you so long for.  i only have cyber arms to gather you in, like the embrace of angel wings.   maybe it was an angel who helped you dial that number. 

take the time you need.  this isn't a race, you don't have to jump right back to anything.  it's also your pace.  i guess you are worth saving, slowly but surely.  love and hugs, always.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for all of that. Reading that as I tried to sleep was really helpful. It gave me some hope.
I do apologize for everything out of habit, I will work on that here. It is a safe place that doesn't expect anything of me, which you so wonderfully pointed out.

It was great validation for you to see the strength and will to live in my flushing them. I kept that virtual hug with me all night. It helped me sleep. I am glad for whatever made me dial that number, an angel is a really good thought.

I will take the time I need. Rest is needed first. I got s decent amount of sleep, but feel exhausted.

Love and hugs to you too 

[Elphanigh]

Got to work this morning. I am up and around which is great. However, I can feel the left over exhaustion from yesterday. I fought harder than I have in a while, I am glad I did. Now I have to bounce back from it. My energy level certainly has taken an obvious toll, so I will sleep more the second I get the chance.

My emotions are still scattered,  but more stable. I will do a lot eventually to make sure yesterday never gets repeated but for now rest. I think I deserve that kindness from myself for a day or two. I can start the true work on it, when I have caught my body back up to speed. A few day vacation is just what I need. Thank goodness I already have one of those planned starting Sunday

[asyouwish]

Elphanigh --

Good for you for flushing the pills! Such a huge step. I still haven't been able to do that. I have a huge stash that I've been hording, probably for years. I'm not in a place I'll use them, but they make me feel better for being there. Stupid, I know.

I'm so glad you're still here. I know exactly what you mean about wishing you could curl up in someone's arms. I posted about that loneliness somewhere else on the board. (Who knows where.) I haven't had a relationship in eleven years. Not so much as held someone's hand. As someone who is also a very physically touchy person, I totally feel you on how painful it is to get through all this without it. Sometimes, it feels impossible. I hope you can get some touch-therapy very soon.

Rest up. You definitely need it, deserve it, and have earned it. Good for you for picking up the phone.

[Elphanigh]

Asyouwish,

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. It isn't stupid to have them. I obviously held onto mine for a long time too. It is hard to let them go, believe me it was truly difficult for me to do that last night. I finally saw the need and desire to get rid of them though.  One day you will be able to get rid of them, take your own time. I am glad you aren't in a place you would use them. It finally hit me last night just how bad I had gotten and that I didn't want to have something in my possession that could put me in that much danger again. I found a moment of will to live in me. Probably the strongest moment I had in the whole thing I guess.

I have two relationships, but don't have that at the moment. Long distance problems (and she is currently mad at me), the other is brand new and still working on getting to a level I feel like I can do that. It is real casual so it is different I guess with her than the one that is currently angry at me. I hope I get the touch therapy too.. my warm blankets and such only do so much. I am so glad to hear someone else is like that. I haven't met anyone that has said that they are.

I am thankful I picked up the phone. I will definitely rest. I am at work right now, but am mentally planning a self-care kind of night

[sanmagic7]

well, may i jump in on this touch therapy wagon?  i hug people as often as possible - that's how i get my touch.  once a woman came up to me in the store, said that she loved what i was wearing, and i just blurted out 'i love you!' and gave her a big hug.  she looked a little surprised, but hugged me back.   that's a fun memory for me.

i hope it doesn't take long before either of you get some touch on a regular basis into your lives.  cyber hugs are all i can offer to you here, but big ones for both of you.

[Elphanigh]

You can definitely get on the wagon. I am just so glad it isn't just me who does this. Thank you for the cybe hugs, they are always welcome and amazing. I hope we both get good sources of it soon too

[Elphanigh]

Well I finally have a bed in my apartment. After two weeks of sleeping on a big group of blankets on the floor it is heavenly. However, I over slept.... So my boss is giving me the silent treatment... how nice of her. I really need a new job, one with a boss that doesn't dislike me. If I ever did leave and they wanted a recommendation from here I would be in trouble though...  I was less than 10 minutes late and I am still on the top of her list of people to dislike...

She is frustrating and triggers a lot of fear, self-doubt, and just general chaos in my brain

[Elphanigh]

Lost my Great Grandpa today. It is really hard to do so..I grew up with him. Being where he lived was a safe place for me. I have so many fond memories...  I won't be able to be at the services or around my family to help everyone.

It just brings me to my childhood, and is like losing the last safe place I had there. No one else that is alive lives in a place that I was safe...

[woodsgnome]

Please...words won't help much in the loss of your one true place of safety...I'll offer this heartfelt hug, sad it's all I can do but hopeful it might provide some temporary solace, just to know that your friends here are with you:     

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the hugs. They really do help, I am feeling less sad this morning. I know it has been years since I was in any physical danger by being home and at the other places my family lives... but losing that space that was one of very few that I was safe is hard. My inner child just kind of weeps...

[sanmagic7]

o, sweetie, i'm sorry doesn't quite cover it, but i really am.  to lose someone who represented something so powerfully positive is a profound loss.  i'm glad you're feeling better today.  i believe he will always be with you, if that's any comfort.  big hug to you,

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, dear friend. I am struggling with it tonight. I meet up with some of my family for our little four day vacation in Vegas tomorrow. No one else is going to be taking this loss so hard.. and with me realizing how much damage my mom did..l this is going to be a challenge.

I miss him... and I am going to miss that place. I hadn't been but I think it was something I held onto as a light in the darkness. Now that it is gone.. I just feel kind of stuck in the dark.. my poor inner child is so uncertain and scared... losing that safe person, that last safe place...

I was never safe at home.. but his house I was. They even treated me well when I had nightmares... it was the only place I didn't have to hide that I had them. I miss that.. I miss that safety net.. and everything he stood for.

Life's has been such a whirlwind lately.. and I can't explain how lost I have felt.. and scared.. this loss comes at a perfect time to keep me spinning..l keep me feeling lost

With Sara angry and not talking to me.... and my recent bout of suicidal ideation... and my parents coming to light... etc.. I feel lost and in the dark,