Eerie Anne's Journal

[sanmagic7]

 

[Eireanne]

The anniversary of my car...and then the fridge, and everything was for 2 months but kept happening every month, so I couldn't even have one month, I had to try to have a good week...then I had to try to just have a good day, and then most days maybe just a good hour...and it got to the point where a good hour was just no fire drills and I could crawl into bed and not move.  Every time the car alarm goes off, I think, one of these times, it's going to happen again.  It doesn't mean I rush to the window every time with anxiety, but it's just the awareness of the inevitable, and knowing there's nothing I can do to stop it.  Like the moment I realized, here is the pattern again, and this leads to getting my position eliminated, and what have I learned? How have I grown? I hadn't even managed to get out of survival mode.  And so the drama comes...and wants to create a woe is me victim story...so I don't tell it...or if I try to tell it, I correct myself all the time because I want to make sure I'm being accurate, and fair, and unbiased, but who the heck has been unbiased for ME? Who has advocated for me?

Why do I go through life feeling marginalized and alone? Oh, because I am.  Woe is me. 

I wonder if the projected therapist part would want me to consider that perhaps because I've never had validation from others, I invalidate myself. 

I think about the sushi dinners I used to organize, I hated being the organizer, because the restaurant gives you the side eye and then you get bad service when you tell them you want reservations for 20 and 3 show up.  It's embarrassing and I wanted people to validate I was embarrassed and how HARD it was for me to keep planning events that weren't interesting enough for people to show up to.  Like my birthday parties.  To the point where I realize the last birthday I had is going to be the last birthday I have.  I knew not to grieve it while it was happening, I tried to savor every bit, and did the best I could with what I had...but you know what I've never had? I've never had a birthday *I* really wanted...just someone else's interpretation of what they assume I want - even though I tell them every year...just no one cares enough to actually do the thing.  Which isn't true...so why do I want to say it?  The true thing is, I had a year I was taken out for my birthday and we ordered two entrees and both things were what *I* wanted to eat.  I was blissfully happy...as happy as I was in the memory of my dad and I in the diner and I got to order a burger with onion rings AND french fries...people are amazed at how little it takes to make me happy...perhaps that's because the bar has been set woefully low that I have to be grateful for every little thing I have because the things I have never have feel like they fill up an entire city block in my brain.  The other birthday I had, N organized, she got together chafing dishes that contained some foods I like (but prepared the way she likes them), and we dressed up and had a murder mystery, that was well done except for my need to understand my character ahead of time, because I do not know how to be spontaneous and ad-lib so I spent too much of the time in my own head trying to understand how to participate and very little time actually enjoying the experience.  I just keep coming back to being mad at people for not interpreting EXACTLY what it is I want, and not giving me what I need...and you may think, well EA, you can't expect these people to be mind readers - except I literally spell out exactly what I want, every time...people just have selective hearing. 

I just wish people would check for understanding...and my new friends do, which is wonderful I guess...if they weren't all virtual Which triggers the CC again Deja Vu, over and over again, alone over and over again, jobless, carless, homeless...and who is going to intervene...I'm just a ghost after all.  Until someone needs something.  But now they don't even ask me when they need something, they've all replaced me with even that. 

And I don't feel like that all the time, most of the time I'm perfectly content to be a ghost.  I can do what I want, when I want. I'm not  beholden to anyone, I don't have to get dressed, or worry about my hair, or how I look...no one can see me.  I can watch what I want, when I want and have whatever opinion I have about it, and not have to worry about putting that opinion into words, because no one cares what I think anyway.  Guess that's what acceptance is?

[Eireanne]

Grief for M

I've mentioned her before, but time to make her a topic.  I remembered last night I was slowly migrating my old blog here...in a way, and I've got an appointment with my therapist in 30 minutes, but I wasn't sure what was going to come up, so I decided to...pre-game? in a way, and start processing my trauma so I'd be in the middle of it when our session started.  It's a lot going on and I want to unpack, but TBH, I'd rather unpack here in my journal and get focused on actual treatment in my sessions...it's not my fault I don't have friends to vent to about every little thing (which is again, untrue, but also part of the problem). 

To be frank, the parts have more of a voice here, even if I don't label them (lazy, sorry...also not lazy, no editing spoon).  The parts where I know it's my mother's ingrained in me to assume I'm constantly being melodramatic is...but I recognize EVERYTHING is performative, and I'm not. I never have been, that's always been my problem. I say things exactly how they are.  How I see them. I invite everyone to contradict me.  To tell me I'm projecting my own thoughts onto the situation, but I'm not seeing it clearly, I ask them to share with me their perspective, and they look at me blankly and tell me I think too much.  It's so frustrating to try to talk to people that are incapable of listening.  Of hearing.  And I've been saying this my entire life and they just say, "I heard everything you said" and then parrot it back to me.  It's not being able to repeat back to me (which reminds me of teaching) it's being able to understand what it is I'm saying and repeating it, it's....the higher levels of thinking, being able to tell me what it is that they heard, their lived experience will unintentionally alter the definition of the subjective words I'm using, NO ONE has had my life experience. and I don't mean that in a "I'm the only one" I mean that's literally ALL of us, I can empathize, and I have a HIGH degree of being an empath, I literally am in other people's heads ALL the time.  When I was a child, it was a problem, and even my first few years online, I could actually see people.  They would say to me all the time, "get out of my head" when I was in school I would answer people's questions that they didn't say out loud.  I just KNEW things, and so people told me I was weird - but that's just a story I tell myself to make it sound like I'm psychic. I mean, yes, I'm fairly psychic, but that's only because I am hypervigilant and see patterns in things no one ever notices.  And I want someone to see that in me and tell me it's a gift.  It's a superpower.  It sets me above and beyond anyone they've worked with because it Makes Me Good At My Job...but over and over I'm just...weird.  and don't seem to fit in.  And people don't really get me...and they tend to exclude me from things.  And I try so hard to fit in, but I've been alone for so long that I...I forget people are people sometimes? I spend so much time with the projected image I have of them in my head...the conversations I would have if I had time with them....but it doesn't go like it does in my head, no matter how much I cognitively prepare.  I spend all day every day having conversations in my head with people, to try to figure out what I could do, what I could say to have things work out where I could stop being traumatized and focus on getting my mental health under control...

See?  All the parts had a say, all by me deciding to pick a topic, and although I started out with a topic, I unraveled trauma.  Trauma that thinking about writing about one person...so you'd think that I was traumatized by the relationship with her ending.  That it was "triggering my abandonment issues" but...she wasn't a good friend.  She was just the only person willing to be my friend...she wasn't the friend I needed, she was the friend I had, and so I see all the connections this person had with triggers in my life, it's...SHE wasn't the trigger, the situation...I can't figure out what I'm trying to say.  This is why I wish I could have conversations with M - she was the one that helped me figure out what it was I was trying to say.  So I'm sure she felt "icky" because I was using her.  Her OFFER to use her house as a safe space to heal from my trauma.  So basically, "I'm sorry me taking you up on your offer made you feel ICKY, because the type of friend I NEED wouldn't just say things for show.  Like, "I'm here if you need me" but then, when you say, "I need you" they say, "k, well my therapist told me it was a good idea for my healing to tell you I love you, but you make me feel icky...there, I'm so glad we have the friendship where we can tell each other the hard things...which is what I told N...and then realized she hadn't heard a word I said.  And it hurt.  It didn't hurt when M told me she was "breaking up with me" because A) that's not what she said, that's the way snark is interpreting it...

[Eireanne]

Just had my therapy session and we discovered why I keep making things more dramatic than they actually are when I tell a story, and WHY.  We found a lot more pattern recognition pieces and all in all was a really good session. 

(What I started writing while I was waiting for my therapist (she's always late, but she also lets me go until the last minute, and doesn't stop 10 minutes before the top of the hour like all the other therapists do, so...I guess it balances out?)

So then what I realize I'm trying to say that in lieu of having another person to talk to, I make projections of people to engage in conversation with so I can trigger parts work, because everything is a trigger.  The post I was intending to make, the topic I was trying to bring up, never got brought up because I end up having a stream of consciousness (word vomit) but it was in a post (and I probably need to go back and edit that, I have NO idea what I said, but I remember there were some important themes, and I'm glad I wrote them down because now I have no conscious memory of it. 

-----

(Today) I had to stop for my therapy session, and then went and did other things while reflecting on what I read and was going to post yesterday, but never came back to it.  I do that a lot, leave drafts of posts here, and then post them days after I type them.  I still haven't re-read what word vomit came up yesterday, and that's fine...I've been avoidant for a bit and oversharing in others, still working on balance.  Starting to reach the part in reflecting on my interview as embarrassed at letting parts of my personality slip out, because the message I receive from everyone is I'm not acceptable as I am and I need to mask to fit in. Other things came up during therapy as well, but I don't feel like sharing them. 

-----

The post I intended to start with:

2020 - This was a post in my old journal that was titled M, but was really about D.  I don't want to post it verbatim here, so I'll just leave my thoughts...because I'm reading it with today's brain and not the brain I had in 2020.

M gave me the suggestion that worked for her in her situation, not taking into account our situations aren't similar.  It frustrated her to have me reject her "advice" because to her my problems were simple and she couldn't fathom why I couldn't just have what she had by doing what she does.  Time and time again she would give me her opinion and I knew full well I wouldn't be successful if I did what she thought I should do.  The one thing I liked about her was that she could take my jumbled mess of not understanding something and explain it to me in a way that made sense...I would be unstuck and make more progress than I could here in isolation, trying to figure out things on my own. 

In the post, I said I learned what not being a victim is, it's asking for what you want, realize you're not getting it, and having the confidence to walk away.  I didn't KNOW because it's all I knew.  I have been told I've been acting like a victim my entire life, mostly by people that are disgusted with me.  A more nuanced explanation of acting like a victim is assuming responsibility for the way other people treat me. Thinking it was some fault of mine, that if I just tried harder, did more, sacrificed everything, I would belong. 

[Eireanne]

Trigger Warning - My experience and triggers come up

I have (have always had) food insecurity.  It comes up again and again and I haven't been able to work through it.  I made it clear to a recent friend that now that my position has been eliminated, I can't splurge on going out to eat with her any longer.  I really thought she got it, but then she texted me "dinner together on Friday?" I so responded, "I'd love to go for a walk with you on Friday, the weather looks nice and I'd love an opportunity to get out of the house"  She replied asking if I could take her grocery shopping on Saturday.  I ran into her today, walking her dog while I was walking myself...and I honestly don't know how to have any sort of conversation with her.  Sigh. 

Anyways....the post -

Backstory - when I was with my ex, I tried to explain to him about my food insecurity, he would often spend $100s of dollars on luxury food items (none of which constituted an actual meal) when we would go food shopping, and this stressed me out, so he just paid for my groceries as well (please note, my groceries for the month are usually around $40, and I NEVER took advantage by buying splurgy type things).  When we would go out for dinner, he would always pay as well.  This was never discussed, and I never took it for granted.  Once the relationship ended, but I was still trapped with him, everything changed...

2020 - because NOW, he's decided to subtract every meal he's ever paid for me out of our RENT to get out of paying me.  He also decided he will refuse to move out unless I let him have our security deposit, even though half of it's mine.  When I say to him, "I won't be able to afford rent unless I can find a roommate and the way you keep the place right now will make it impossible for me to find someone, and unless I do, that means I will have to move out too", but he says he's out of a job so he won't be able to afford to find a place unless I give him that deposit money.  Like he is the wronged party forcing him out on the streets. He wanted to end things with ME, he is the one that cheated on me and now he wants to manipulate the situation because karma is catching up with him? I'm supposed to sympathize that he might potentially force me out - he talks to me like "you made your bed, now you lie in it", when HE is the one in the wrong, how can he seriously not see his own actions, like all of his behavior is justifiable - well yes, it makes perfect sense if you take your own things out of the kitchen that don't inconvenience me at all, then I will retaliate by hiding the silverware.   


He would only take me food shopping when he ran out of alcohol or decided he wanted to go. I started marking down the dates on my dry erase board.  I relied on him to drive me to the store, but once we were there, I was on my own to figure out what food I could afford, and with my food insecurity, one day I just started crying in the frozen food section.  Meanwhile, he'd load up his cart with anything that caught his eye...and the worst part was, he would consistently eat the food *I* had bought but then acted hostile towards me if I ate anything of his.  Even things he offered me. We always had separate everything, but he'd always use all of MY things...so each time I needed to go into the kitchen for a meal, I'd have to wash a dish...I finally moved my dishes to another cabinet (because he's a (negative word) so he wouldn't think to look anywhere else, but as soon as he caught on I was "hiding" my dishes from him, he retaliated by removing ALL his dishes and all the silverware to his closet.  I was also not allowed in our shared bedroom, so I couldn't get to my closet to change my clothes.  If I tried to go into the bedroom, he would rush in there as if I was "up to something" and if I resisted, he would drag me out by my neck. 

The part of me that is dramatic feels comfort telling this...but the part of me that is scared of "exaggerating" wants to say, this didn't happen every time...the dragging me out by my neck.  There was a way I could lull him into complacency, by acting a certain way so I could get things done, but it made me loathe myself.  I can't understand people's perception that I would "go back to him".  I needed support and someone to get me through this.  I had everyone take his side and treat me like I'm some unbalanced psycho that would boil his bunny if he had the chance.  I really hate everyone that didn't let me speak my truth and would rather unfriend me than support me because it's "uncomfortable". 

[Eireanne]

Trigger Warning - More trauma from an abusive relationship...


 K, I'm so thankful you and D found each other.  I deserve so much more than having to continue to live with an abusive, controlling, self-centered boy who gets off on hurting me both physically as well as mentally.  I wouldn't have been able to see how badly I've allowed myself to be treated these past 6 years if it weren't for me finding out about you and the others. 

Deciding our room is "his" because he won't move his computer to the sunroom, but then tells me I need to pay more rent because I am using it.  Even though I made it clear I don't want to be in there (he forced me to isolate at that end of the house before I found out he was cheating on me with you all) to give him the privacy he needed, while I worked full time and he "Did D things" and I supported both of us while he stopped paying rent and didn't pitch in to help with any of the household things.  Expected me to cook the dinner for both of us while he watched TV nightly with L. 

Tells me if he has to move into the spare bedroom, I need to pay $200 more dollars in rent plus utilities.  Tells me even though he is now forcing me to buy my own groceries, and he often eats things I have purchased for myself, but I should also be paying for his groceries. 

Tells me he's going to move out and not pay rent even though he's legally obligated to, if I can't find a roommate.

Tells me even though he hasn't paid rent in 3 months, if I don't pay him utilities ($271) immediately, like he's been "asking me for weeks" then he'll change the password on the internet so I can't work tomorrow.


He's D (my brother).  He knows my triggers and stays calm and "rational" while making me doubt my sanity by triggering my PTSD.  So I snap, get triggered, start panicking and he uses that to justify the thought that I'm the crazy one.  But he's MANIPULATING the situation, so the more calm and rational I am, the more reasonable I present, I don't fall into his trap like I did at events, I have to just be above it, detached and share with ppl all the good *I* am working on, giving my energy to ME, not him, not even continuing to tell others what is going on (they are tired of hearing it anyways)  You CAN do this.



Dear L,

I'm SO glad even though you have your own Plex D is so warm and understanding as to download all of these movies/tv shows onto our Plex.  Your taste is so not in line with D's, but to watch him patiently sit through all these terrible things, happily even, when he wouldn't ever do it for me....Just reminds me of EVERY TIME HE WOULDN"T DO IT FOR ME, and I'm like oh yeah, well why the f would I want to be with someone like that??? I'm GLAD you're taking up all of his attention, it makes me realize that I can actually have what I want now...I didn't have to sit in the house all bloody weekend on a beautiful fall day because I'd rather (not) drive to Indiana to get a GUN, it's like you think you're in the militia....collecting....collecting knives....Are you going to start collecting guns now?  I mean, how many tabs did you have open in your browser the other day....one day your luck is going to run out and your parents aren't going to be able to stop this train wreck.  They don't even WANT to, they say, "this is a you problem, not an us problem" Because they think the problem is with the perception THEY have of you...you're such a kind, generous, loving son, you are such a hard worker....they can't see you for what you are...a lazy addict who would sit home for a whole year doing nothing but playing video games, reading reddit and chatting with other girls while you stopped paying rent and let me support the two of us for 6 months before you paid me back in full...Do you have any idea how much money that is?  You made me the BB to your Cracker! You've sunk THAT low. 

If I told your story, but took out your name, no one would take your side, but because it's you....the point is, I don't want them to HATE you, I want them to realize there's something unstable about you, and expedite the getting away...I am literally living sliding doors....now I just need to meet the guy in the elevator. 

My thoughts are happening faster than I can write them down, I don't know why I think I can remember them tomorrow, I can't even remember them NOW, geeze short term memory, thanks. 

Ok....

The thought of packing makes me happy, the organization and rehoming of my things that don't spark joy.


Sigh  That puts me in such a good headspace, because now I have a plan, and he's my mirror...

It was never about interest, it was only about control.  Here I am wanting to tell you about these breakthroughs, because you KNOW me and you of all people would see the significance, and the realization, over and over that you don't care about me AT ALL, you never did! Why on earth would you feign interest for so long? Do you like broken people? You must, it explains all these broken girls you're collecting. 

Is it the fact that you're so insecure that you need to surround yourself with people that don't know him, because the people that know you can see through your act??

You wanted something from me I wasn't giving you, but instead of just TELLING me what it is you wanted/needed you just looked for it elsewhere....all I wanted was to be seen, to be heard, and each time you ran away....triggering trauma, abandonment issues, financial issues, calling me a liar, attacking me the second I come home, not respecting me enough to be equitable, or are you really that unstable/broken/suffering a midlife crisis....did you mentally snap?  You aren't safe to be around anymore if you don't have my best interest in mind you are energy I don't want to be around and I'm so looking forward to the day I'm free of you. 



semantics get better, but not sure if they really are - must re-read tomorrow

definitely calmer, after I've had my say.  I tried not having my say, but he followed me.  He didn't even want to know, and I called him on it, meanwhile I eventually got out everything *I* wanted to say, regardless he probably won't remember, didn't ask him anything, didn't care about L just wanted to eat dinner, relax, and find my happy place again, I'm safe in my room, he can go f himself, and I'm in a good headspace.

Escalating triggers, he was my dad and I had closure from that with memorial, (superficial closure?) now he's D (my brother), time and time again...the being in the room you know I want to be in until you see I'm leaving, then move??? THE F D.  and so I am, and so I am, reverting to the reactions I had that he triggered, like the time in K's house, when he was so calm, and I was so triggered, he even has the same tone...he's my mirror....deep breathe. 

The more I can stay here the more it is like exercise for my resilience learning how to not react like I did to Dad, to D, over and over...that's not me anymore...the me that has to fill people in...reiterate last sessions question re: needing to be an "adult" is that what it means? You said select few...so am I respecting boundaries?

I wish people would just tell me.  I really don't know, stop standing around waiting for me to figure it out, you could have just TOLD me. 

wait for clarification and stop getting defensive!

You can't understand why I'd want you to take the time to think of memories you could make for just the two of us, instead of just re-doing all the stale things you did for 10 years with your ex-wife, you decided to perceive that as me not letting you do anything with me that you did with her - which you find very limiting, and literally I meant like, can you not call me the same things you call her, take me to the same place you took her for a special night, use the same (redacted) on me!? EW?! and so for 5 years I waited, I tried over and over to explain how important it was for us not to just use her ornaments on our tree, but to create something that was ours, a tradition I never had before, not just doing the little match girl version of living someone else's life, but for me to be accepted and be a part, instead I always felt like I was on the sidelines...and when I told you what I felt, you could have done something to ensure I felt loved, cherished, included...do you think you did? do you really think spending all weekend every weekend aside from family obligations stuck in the house...but you never got it, you got your perception of waht I was saying.  we just aren't compatible and why I couldn't see that sooner was because of my childhood, what's your excuse? To keep doing it now, even though I can see it for what it is.  Why do you persist in hurting me? What kind of person could do that to another, let alone someone they claimed they loved....K, L, N...you girls can HAVE him.  He's not that good of a catch, and he knows it, soon you will too. 

[Eireanne]

2020 - more Trigger Warnings maybe


I'm torn between wanting to talk to someone to vent and just stop bothering everyone with my feelings.  I hate this feeling.  It started with him deciding that he no longer wants to buy my groceries any longer, even though I explained to him the reason why we decided to do that is because I have money/food related issues, and I don't want to contribute to his $400 grocery run, which is 90% things I don't eat/drink anyway. 

So we go back to the way things were, where I buy what I can afford, and he's buying everything else.  He says I can help myself to anything of his, he's got too much, and he's "nice".  So fine, I stick to my own foods for the most part, and occasionally make something that includes something that's from when we were still "together" and our food was ours.  Meanwhile, he has started eating the food that I paid for, with no remorse or acknowledgement that it's mine.  Started with the pesto/gnocchi, which he assumed was his...my broccoli, which he tried to bargain for by giving me freezer burned cauliflower that he doesn't want..my eggs, my bread, my rice...not just uncooked that he's preparing and eating for himself, but the actual rice from the cabinet.  Other things too, but it's not as if I've been keeping track, it's literally because he asked me in a condescending tone and implied it was JUST one bag of broccoli.  Sorry I wasn't being petty and keeping track for you.  Then when I'm prepping chicken, he tells me he should be able to eat it because it's his.  He says I should start paying for some of his groceries as well.  Because I'm already paying for my own even though he's eating them?? Trying not to get upset at that, because this is a temporary thing, and I can let this go.  He giveth and taketh away the dumplings, which he clearly bought for me, because they are STILL sitting in the fridge.  And newest on the ridiculously petty - he put back in the freezer the pork chops I had taken out to defrost.

I've stopped assuming I can borrow his mother's car, even though she says it's fine.  I've caved and put money back on my ventra card, which means even less money in my budget so I can get to my appointments once it gets too cold to continue walking.  He seems to be oblivious to this fact although both days I had treatment, he conveniently made the car unavailable.  Saturday he was "off to Indiana to buy a gun" and Monday he got home early and stayed out until I had to leave. Even saw me on the corner on my way and tried to act like everything was fine...."oh, did you want me to leave you alone??" ok...like HE is trying to be nice and I'm being standoffish...then when I get home, he's all like, Oh, I didn't even realize it was your appointment, I don't want you to think I intentionally did that...I mean, did you practice saying that before I got home?  Idiot.  I can see through you now.  You are a horrible, mean, petty, selfish person.  Of COURSE you didn't remember, it wasn't all about YOU.  Why would you consider ANYONE else but yourself??

Like when I tell you I need to get stuff done in the living room, so you purposefully open up all the chats you have with your "lovers".  Who me? What am I doing? Of course I'm interested in all these things other people want me to like...I literally have no personality of my own, I'm just whomever other people want me to be...I mean, anyone that isn't YOU, I just didn't want to be what YOU wanted me to be.  Sorry it took you 6 years to get the hint. 

This is why yet again, I have done all the cleaning in the house, and you haven't been food shopping since 8/23...but it's ok, you'll go again soon, you're almost out of alcohol. 

So here I am, packing, counting the days until I am free of you. 

[Eireanne]

Turns out I did write the story...I tried posting it where I knew he might read it, but the universe didn't want me to, so I'll leave it here....TRIGGER WARNINGS, just in case...




He's been living with this girl for 6 years, and she disclosed to him she has relational trauma and sometimes she gets triggered, and would like him to research in whatever way he prefers to understand this disability so he could support her through the times she gets anxious and starts spiraling. He thinks this is too much work and she's probably just throwing a temper tantrum, he kinda just wants to do his own thing, and doesn't really care unless it directly affects him. She ends up supporting him for a year while he's unemployed, and although he's paying for utilities and groceries, she's been paying the rent and doing all the cleaning. She starts feeling very isolated, all she does is work all day, then come home to clean up after them both, cook for them both, and go to bed alone because he'd rather talk to people online and "do his own thing" and then the pandemic happens.

It triggers a C-PTSD episode, but she's too stressed to see the signs. She asks him to spend time with her, because when she's not working 60 hours a week (while he plays video games) she feels isolated, like she's climbing the walls. He doesn't know why she's complaining so much, so he puts on headphones to tune her out. This isn't what he wants in a GF so he starts talking to other girls online. He starts spending more time talking to these other girls, then extending it to remotely watching movies and shows with one, and having x-rated conversations with another. He feels great, except when he has to interact with his GF, who is just so damn needy. She wants to talk, or sit on the couch, or watch a show together...maybe go away for the weekend? Why can't she just leave him alone? So one day, when he's had enough, (after completely gaslighting her, picking a fight with her and making her think she's lost her mind to the point she's so overstimulated and dysregulated she just needs it all to stop) he takes off his headphones, breaks up with her and puts them right back on. Now he's made it clear they aren't together, he can just go back to doing what he likes and she can figure her own * out.

She has a hard time but gets herself the help she needs to recover from her crisis. She shows him with words and actions that she realizes the missteps she took in the relationship, and would like to start over being friends, but he isn't interested. He's decided that even though she pays the entire rent, he should have the master bedroom to himself (even though all her things are still in there). He starts acting out of character, unstable, buying assorted weapons which make her feel unsafe, diving deeper and deeper into the online persona he's created for himself, spending nearly all his time talking to people that enjoy this persona - it makes him feel better than he's felt in years. He can't understand why he's got to pay his half of the rent, he already pays utilities. He tells her he's no longer providing her groceries, and even though she doesn't have a car, he doesn't care if she can't get to a store. When she is able to buy herself staples, he helps himself to them, because they are there, so they must be his...asks her why she doesn't start help paying for his groceries as well. He makes sure to only get enough food for himself, or if he does get enough food for both of them, and tells her she can help herself, berates her if she does.

She explains to him one night that although he may have moved on, she thinks his refusal to move out of the master bedroom is implying he doesn't want to break up, and if that isn't the case, he should move his things to the spare bedroom, where he can be assured he'll get his privacy. He should move his computer to that side of the house as well, and they can live separately until the lease is up. She explains to him she's tried sleeping in the spare room, but it triggers her C-PTSD, she can't breathe when she's in there, she hates hearing him with these other girls, she hates walking by their closed bedroom door, she hasn't slept for days and when she finally does fall asleep she has nightmares. He tells her to get over it.

He decides to be on his computer whenever she's on the couch, and magnifies the conversations he has with his "lovers" to ensure she can see them. He makes up excuses as to why she can't use the car when she needs to get to treatment. He blames her for wanting health insurance so she can pay for said treatment. Any time she asks for equity, he threatens her.

If she takes meat out of the freezer to thaw for dinner, he puts it back in the freezer. He tells her he'll go food shopping soon, but then changes his mind, there's too many things happening on the internet. If she insists that they start discussing ways to be equitable, he threatens to turn the internet off, or at least change the password, which puts her job at risk. If she asks him not to do that, he'll pull up apartment listings implying he'll move and leave her with all the bills (even though she's pointed out he's legally obligated by lease to continue paying), Any time she leaves the house he demands to know where she is going, and then accuses her of lying when she doesn't come home when he thinks she should.

It's gotten to the point she sleeps on the floor with a bookcase pressed against the door to keep him out and dreams of the day she can be free.

He on the other hand, thinks everything is fine and doesn't understand why she's such a b.

[Eireanne]

More from that time...TRIGGER WARNING

I took chicken out of the freezer to thaw, and ask him to fry it.  We clarify we need an ingredient we don't have, so I say I'll prep them another way.  He says he should be able to eat the chicken, since he paid for it. I cook the chicken and leave it on the counter for him, he ignores it, and buys himself a 10 pack of Popeyes. The rest of the chicken goes bad and I had to throw it out.  I had asked him if we could get sashimi on Wednesday or Friday.  Well now there's all this chicken in the fridge, so I let it go.  Friday he texts and says, "I forgot to order the sashimi, should I put in an order?" - 1. I was going to pay for it I just needed him to get it and 2. I assumed this was something we weren't doing since the whole "the chicken is mine" episode.  I say sure, I already bought all the fixins...

he comes home with a sashimi platter (that's enough fish for 4 ppl easy WITH leftovers) and 6 dumplings, 2 of each kind, says I can help myself to them, he couldn't resist buying them.

So I eat sushi Friday/Saturday and Sunday I take 2 dumplings for lunch. 

He says, I don't remember saying you could have the dumplings, but whatever, I guess I'll have to figure out something else for lunch.  I say I only ate one of them, I'll bring the other home.  Meanwhile, they're now sitting in the fridge, uneaten, because it wasn't about him wanting the dumplings, it was about him not wanting ME to have them.

He just keeps doing things like that, like daily.

Yesterday he got home early, and knows I have treatment, so instead of coming upstairs, went for a walk.  I start walking the 2 miles to treatment, and he comes up to me at an intersection all, "hey, how are you? oh, did you want me to leave you alone? Oh ok, have a good walk!"

I just reply, "I don't even know what you're talking about" and cross the street bc I had the light.

When I got home 3 hours later, he said, "oh, I don't want you to think I intentionally didn't let you borrow my mom's car, I'm sorry"

[Eireanne]

I wanted a connection, a partner.  What I got is someone who is on their phone 24/7, can put it away when we are in a group setting, but if it's just the two of us, it's really the 3 of us. Out to dinner, watching tv together...watching sunset...here's a photo of the three of us, enjoying a beautiful sunset in Florida.

it's always been this way, not just since we broke up...I've always felt alone I'd ask him, can you just give me ONE hour a night, where we can sit on the couch and just talk...but he acted like it was an obligation, a chore, and he kept looking at his watch to see how much longer he had. I put up with it because everyone told me that's what a relationship was like.

[Eireanne]

We can stop thoughts that lead to anxiety by consciously replacing them by more rational thoughts like the following:

When anxiety is near:

1. I'm going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational. I'm just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be all right.

2. Anxiety is not dangerous — it's just uncomfortable. I am fine; I'll just continue with what I'm doing or find something more active to do.

3. Right now I have some feelings I don't like. They are really just phantoms, however, because they are disappearing. I will be fine.

4. Right now I have feelings I don't like. They will be over with soon and I'll be fine. For now, I am going to focus on doing something else around me.

5. That picture (image) in my head is not a healthy or rational picture. Instead, I'm going to focus on something healthy like _________________________.

6. I've stopped my negative thoughts before and I'm going to do it again now. I am becoming better and better at deflecting these automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) and that makes me happy.

7. So I feel a little anxiety now, SO WHAT? It's not like it's the first time. I am going to take some nice deep breaths and keep on going. This will help me continue to get better."

When preparing for a stressful situation

1. I've done this before so I know I can do it again.

2. When this is over, I'll be glad that I did it.

3. The feeling I have about this trip doesn't make much sense. This anxiety is like a mirage in the desert. I'll just continue to walk forward until I pass right through it.

4. This may seem hard now, but it will become easier and easier over time.

5. I think I have more control over these thoughts and feelings than I once imagined. I am very gently going to turn away from my old feelings and move in a new, better direction.

When feeling overwhelmed

1. I can be anxious and still focus on the task at hand. As I focus on the task, my anxiety will go down.

2. Anxiety is a old habit pattern that my body responds to. I am going to calmly and nicely change this old habit. I feel a little bit of peace, despite my anxiety, and this peace is going to grow and grow. As my peace and security grow, then anxiety and panic will have to shrink.

3. At first, my anxiety was powerful and scary, but as time goes by it doesn't have the hold on me that I once thought it had. I am moving forward gently and nicely all the time.

4. I don't need to fight my feelings. I realize that these feelings won't be allowed to stay around very much longer. I just accept my new feelings of peace, contentment, security, and confidence.

5. All these things that are happening to me seem overwhelming. But I've caught myself this time and I refuse to focus on these things. Instead, I'm going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do. In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink away and disappear.

[Eireanne]

When to Complain: To Relieve Discomfort

Complaining releases frustration and discomfort and allows you to recoup the energy you need to move on with your day (or night). Whether you vent out loud or to yourself, you'll release some of that pent-up negative energy you'd otherwise be holding on to. Letting it go can lead to a better mood, not to mention more restful sleep.

When to Abstain: If you find yourself with the same complaint day after day, take a hard look at the source of your frustration. Feeling perpetually dissatisfied or uncomfortable likely means that something's amiss, and should be a wake-up call to figure out a solution, or what to change.

Chronic complaining (rather than doing) can keep you mired in a place of resigned acceptance, or simmering anger. Instead of ruminating on negative feelings, which can lead to depression, channel your dissatisfaction into strategies to solve your problem.


It's one thing to be irritated over small things (such as a longer line to get into the store than to get out of it), but if you blow up every time you run up against an inconvenience, consider brushing up on some stress management techniques to help you emotionally disengage from situations you can't control.

When to Complain: To Gain a Fresh Perspective

There is an image that has a number drawn on the floor with two people standing on either side of the number. One person sees a 6, and the other sees a 9. They are both right, yet they are wrong in the eyes of the other person because of their perspective. When we view a problem from just one vantage point—our own—it can become magnified or distorted. Talking to a trusted friend may open a door to an alternative perspective, which can dissolve our anger and frustration, and open up new solutions and ways of coping.

When to Abstain: Yes, we all complain sometimes. In fact, our brain will tend to magnify the bad and minimize the good, allowing negative thoughts to take over and define a situation. But we tend to find chronic complainers a downer and a drain on our energy. Be careful that your complaints don't become so excessive that they overwhelm your listeners and push friends and family away. In addition, focusing on the negative will keep you riled up and cloud over many of the joys of life. Instead, work to find the good. Notice when you're focusing more on the negative than the positive, particularly at the end of the day. For each negative thing that happened, come up with one positive thing that happened to balance it out, and shift your perspective. Nothing is too small to qualify.

Complaining is catchall terms we use to describe what we do when we voice our feelings of dissatisfaction. Being cognizant about when and how we express ourselves, and for what purpose, can help us distinguish between strategic complaining and chronic whining—helping us balance our emotional health and build stronger relationships with the people around us.

[rainydiary]

Eerie Anne, I am catching up on your journal and resonate with the ways you discuss wanting connection.  Me too and that is something that I am really working on.  I appreciate all of your reflections and hope it is helping you sort out things you've carried.

[Eireanne]

I found this somewhere, and posted it somewhere, thinking I would give it a try whenever the situation presented itself and promptly forgot.
I don't know how I feel about this, and if I tried it what I would then feel...but figure I'll post it here again and ponder it for a bit...

Here's the deal: There's often no "right" choice. There is only a choice that works best for you. It may sound obvious, but acknowledging this truth takes some of the pressure off when you're faced with an important decision—which, in turn, makes it easier to make up your mind. Here are three strategies to help you make the tough calls:

Evaluate the Pros and Cons Every choice you make comes with a cost: time, energy, and attention. These are among your most valuable and limited assets, which is why your choices should be in line with your goals and priorities. The following technique, known as a value model, will help you evaluate the pros and cons of your options not only against one another, but against the things that matter most to you.

Step 1) Make a list of your values.
For example, ambition, creativity, and time with family.

Step 2) "Score" each option from 1 - 100 on how it aligns with your values.
Let's say you're considering accepting a more demanding job. Taking the job may get a 100 for ambition and a 60 for creativity, but a 25 for time with family. On the other hand, not taking the job gets a 20 for ambition, a 40 for creativity, and a 60 for time with family.

Step 3) Add up the value scores for each option.
Here's what it looks like in action:

Taking the Job             Not Taking the Job

Ambition: 100             Ambition: 20

Creativity: 60                  Creativity: 40

Time with Family: 30     Time with Family: 60

Total: 190                      Total: 120

The top-scoring option—in this example, taking the job—wins, and you can move forward with the peace of mind that you've made the best choice for you.

Take the Sting Out of Uncertainty Often, when we're struggling to make a decision, what we're really afraid of is the unknown. In fact, a study conducted by the American Psychological Association found that the most common stressors shared the factor of unpredictable outcomes.

Taking action when the outcomes are uncertain (and potentially negative) may feel risky, but remember: Without risk, there's no opportunity. There's no innovation. There's no growth. The key is to understand that uncertainty isn't something to fear—it's something to manage.

The next time you're feeling uncertain, prime yourself for a range of results by asking yourself, "Is there anything I can do to improve the chances of a good outcome?"

If the answer is "Yes": Outline the steps to make it happen.
If the answer is "No": Take a minute to prepare for the worst. Then, seek out the silver linings—little glimmers of hope or goodness that exist even if the worst does come to pass.

By thinking through the range of possible outcomes and making a plan to manage each one, you can take charge and feel more prepared for whatever comes your way.

Do a Gut Check Experts suggest that intuition is most instrumental in situations that lack a clear answer, or that rely on learned expertise and experience. In situations that require more data, however, trusting your gut can lead you astray. Emotional Reasoning, for example, is a Thinking Trap — a habitual and often inaccurate thought pattern that makes our problems seem worse than they actually are — in which you use your emotions as evidence that something is real: "I'm anxious about this situation. Therefore, something bad must be about to happen." While emotions are valid and exist to tell you important information, they can also cloud your judgment.

You can keep Emotional Reasoning in check by writing down what objective evidence you have to support your emotions. Then, compare your emotional evidence to the objective evidence in front of you. How do they compare? This test helps you decide whether your emotions are giving you accurate evidence about the decision at hand, so you can remain clear-headed and make a choice with confidence.

[Eireanne]

Eerie Anne, I am catching up on your journal and resonate with the ways you discuss wanting connection.  Me too and that is something that I am really working on.  I appreciate all of your reflections and hope it is helping you sort out things you've carried.

rainydiary, I appreciate you so much.  I am slowly working through some feelings I didn't have time to process when things were happening, and I still feel rather self-involved and focused on my own healing...but hopefully soon I can branch out and return the favor of holding space in your own journal.  For now, please know how grateful I am that you visit my journal and leave your reflections and much needed compassion.