Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

So, while I crochet, I tend to watch forensics/true crime shows. I avoid topics that might trigger me if I know ahead of time, like cases about kids or military families.  I can only crochet about 10-15 minutes at a time, but I let my hands rest the rest of the show. So Youtube has a bunch of old (ouch) episodes of Unsolved Mysteries, the show with Robert Stack. There was one from the 90s and it had a man who'd survived Vietnam as an amputee. He wanted to find the nurse who took care of him and helped him want to live and go home to his wife. She'd even written to his wife about how inspiring he was and how to not pity him when he got home, really practical advice. Dude did, had two kids and a good life. She saw the show teaser and got in contact, and they all got together, super happy. Normally, I'd just go, "aww, super sweet, so cool", that kind of thing.

But I found myself crying for about an hour and a half instead. Not only from the wonderfulness of them seeing each other again, but at the same time, I was so... jealous. So angry. I would rather have had a GOOD father who happened to have a disability over the whole piece of ----that I had instead. I feel very conflicted at the moment. Happy for them, angry for what I got, jealous (even though the guy apparently passed 9 years after that meeting), just... a swirling mess. And of course, this was after therapy. Just thinking about it again, I'm trying not to start crying again. I know there's no point to the whole "it's not fair!", but both I and my inner children are pouting and wanting to stomp and yell.  now I'm congested, still upset, and exhausted. Ugh. Just ugh.

[Armee]

Gentle gentle hugs. There is a point...in its not fair...grieving. 

[NarcKiddo]

If you need to cry, cry. Let it out. Stomp. Yell.

So many of us have a voice that says "it's my fault". I bet you have had that voice some time or another. A voice saying "it's not fair" is a counterpoint. And that voice is right. Because it's NOT fair. Armee is right about the grieving. I'm sorry you didn't have the father you deserve.

 

[sanmagic7]

 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you all. Gentle hugs back!

Nothing much lately, just staying warm. Got a little crocheting done. Haven't felt really "down", but just kind of blah. I mean, I usually feel wiped out/exhausted after dissociating, but this is more of a general blah. it's probably just winter setting in and wishing hibernation was an option. Also really missing my boy. Winter is more sucky without a cuddly kitty. Pumpkin is sweet, but not really cuddly. Abby is still a little --. I honestly don't know if she'll ever be nice and it's very disheartening.

Had a good reading the other day in my ACA meeting about re-parenting your inner children.  I think some of my difficulty is not only not really knowing how to do that, but my littles are the ones that hold the trauma memories. It's incredibly hard to comfort and reassure someone when you don't know what they remember and they can't communicate due to the trauma.

[Armee]

Yeah I agree with you on all that. I just keep trying little by little. Mostly I'm not even allowed to talk to the little ones and T definitely is not. It's not fast to be able to access those parts. I'm finding they peek out and start sharing and then disappear for 6 months or more.

I'm sorry you're missing your snuggle buddy. 😔

[CactusFlower]

Dealing with stupidity is very aggravating first thing in the morning. So I have a medication I take for anxiety. Unfortunately, I have to take another medication because the anxiety med has a very common side effect. Having 0 income, I cannot afford an over-the-counter fiber supplement. Therefore, I get generic Dulcolax by prescription.

I have gotten this with no issue for over a year now. I have an issue this month, it's not filled. First I hear the doc supposedly didn't put through the refills. (BS, she did it while we were in our appointment) Then the pharmacy tries to tell me they need her to approve a different brand, the regular one isn't in stock.

I call the office today, they haven't received any communication from the pharmacy about anything.

I call the pharmacy, ask what the issue is, they say it's "because that's available over the counter, so someone thought it'd be cheaper that way." deep breath No, the item available over the counter is the brand name, not a generic, hence it's THREE TIMES the price, which is why I have a Rx for the generic. They apologize and start filling it. (supposedly. we'll see if I get a "it's ready" text later.)

I don't care if it's available over the counter, you don't get to make that decision for me. My doctor wrote a prescription, your job is to fill it. Period. It must be a new employee or a substitute for someone, because it hasn't been a problem for over a year now. It's times like these that I appreciate my work history in healthcare and health insurance so I know how to deal with this junk.

Counseling place was glad I dealt with it and said call them back if I have any other issues, they'll help.  Bro just went out to get tasty coffee drinks, which is sweet. I need a reward for dealing with that mess. I suppose at least if it had to happen, it happened on the one day a week that the Dr. is there to approve stuff if need be.

[CactusFlower]

Wow. So, that Rx is resolved and is ready for my bro to pick up this afternoon for me. BUT... That was my psych doc.

Another med we're trying for my blood pressure with my regular doc... I'm wondering if the pharmacy has a new employee or something. According to the web page, that Rx, which was previously at 5mg, is "waiting for approval". The current version, at 10mg, is due to be refilled in 3 days, which usually means I can order it now.  Is it so hard to tell that I WAS on 5mg a day and am now at 10mg a day, which should logically mean I don't need the blanking 5mg version refilled?

I tried calling my doc's office, they transferred me to the person who deals with processing approvals for refills, her voice message says to have the pharmacy fax crap in and it can take up to 5 days to process the request. Like, *? Why does is take you a frigging week to get a Dr's approval, a yes or no answer 90% of the time? Maybe this is partially a reason for the blood pressure!

When you get the actual medical care in this state, it's decent, but getting people to do crap on time and actually communicate is a nightmare I have never seen so bad anywhere else I've lived. Insane. I don't need this anxiety increase, I don't need this stress, and I can't imagine how someone who DOESN'T have a former career in the healthcare industry manages to deal with this. I hate that I need to take pills for anything at all, I don't need incompetence as a hassle on top of my pain and other junk.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. I've been dealing with similar nonsense at pharmacies here too.

[CactusFlower]

The amlodipine seems to be lowering the blood pressure adequately.  Well, that and not eating as much salt in things. it's really the prepared stuff that gets you. Some chicken mac and cheese frozen dinner? 48% of your daily salt. Stuff like that.

Didn't sleep well last night, had the teddy bear with me because it was incredibly windy and rainy all night long. The moisture is what we need, but the wind is... difficult. I did get a little crocheting done today. Not much because the cold definitely makes my hands hurt a little more, but i can't wear the fingerless gloves while I crochet. The yarn doesn't slide through the fingers like it has to, LOL.

Did some more exercises in the "Courage to Heal" workbook. Not easy, answering the questions makes things very real, and I often dissociate when that happens. I was also watching old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries on youtube the other day, and one had the head of the FBI asking people to watch out for a new addition to their 10 Most Wanted List. He was a lifelong CSA perpetrator, escaped prison twice, etc.  Fortunately, the update indicated he was cause about a week after the broadcast, got 40 yrs in jail, and passed while in there. Good. I found myself saying some really angry and unpleasant things to the screen while I watched that, even crying a little. Had to take a nap after that emotional storm.

On one positive note, I got another amazon gift card for doing surveys. not much, but it allowed me to order this blocking board for crocheting, which means I will be able to perfect the granny squares I'm piling up.  Small thing, but makes me happy.

[CactusFlower]

Still plugging along. Was watching more Unsolved Mysteries and found myself crying over a few episodes. They often had "so and so were separated as children and haven't seen each other in 30 years" reunions, or "X just found out she's adopted", blah blah blah. One had a gal find out that her dad wasn't her biological dad. That her mom had loved her bio dad, but (back in the 50s) felt she had to marry the one her family approved of. So X was looking for her bio dad. Long story short, they found him, he was thrilled to know about her, had always loved her mom, and wanted to meet her. He was a very sweet, kind, and openly caring kind of person.

Part of me was the typical "aw, how sweet, they found each other." But a part of me was ugly-crying with jealousy. I wanted so bad to have what she had. To suddenly find out that the person who raised you wasn't actually who you thought they were, and that there was someone out there who was a good person and would love you and accept you? yeah. I was painfully jealous. So many of us, I think, would give so much to have that magical happy ending.

Other than that, just staying warm. The holiday don't really mean anything to us, so we're not doing anything. I had some points from doing surveys on a site, so I exchanged them for an amazon gift card and got myself one of those super-soft big blanket hoodies. And it's in dusty pink! The inner children are loving it as much as I do, this thing is soft like those minky blankets. Remember the little girl in the Minions movies who holds the stuffed unicorn and yells, "IT'S SO FLUFFY!"  Yeah, like that.

[NarcKiddo]

That blanket sounds wonderful. 

I wonder if artist's gloves might be of some help? They basically cover only a couple of fingers, the pinky and ring finger. The purpose is to stop the hand smudging the picture but maybe they could be of some use to you for crocheting? I suspect they don't offer enough coverage to be any good, but I mention them just in case.

[CactusFlower]

Narc, I do actually have a pair of those. I'll see if they help. Thanks for the suggestion!

[sanmagic7]

cf, that kind of crying happens to me a lot while watching shows. like you, it's a mix of feelings, but i think my overriding emotion is sadness that i didn't get to experience x or y.  no matter what, it's so much more emotional than simply what's going on on the screen.  you're not alone.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

new year, same stuff.  Still missing my kitty a lot. Someone on a friend's discord server got some kittens to foster and one's an orange tabby. It's super sweet, but I cry nearly every time I see a photo.

Have been cooking more lately. I guess that's good.

Just kinda blah lately. Creative, yes, so that helps a little. I dunno, maybe I'm just down because it's so dark and gray today, supposed to snow later. bleah

weird dreams last night, lots of being lost.