Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

I guess I'm back. Wasn't sure I would be and don't know to what extent I will be in the future. I've read some posts but don't want to comment. Don't want my expression to again be ruled less important than another member's privately expressed concern. That hurt me a lot and I am not fully over it but I recognize that I need to continue my recovery work in spite of it.

I live alone now, in a different city. A few blocks from a couple friends, luckily. I commute to work. Sometimes it's fine, but where I live there is inadequate snow removal so I couldn't get to work one day and I spent hours stuck in traffic, another. The price I pay for freedom. I love my new home but don't get as much time there. I am truly single and mostly that is a very good thing. My ex still gets high every day. I hope he finds happiness. I hope I do, too.

The grieving has begun in earnest. I am very lonely. It hurts to acknowledge that. I feel so other, so unseen, so alone everywhere I go. I think this is a setback with simultaneous progress. So much change amplifies my pain.

I felt that nobody cared that I was gone. It's probably not true but ultimately, here we are but electron ships passing in the night. Out there is where I have to live. I still have nightmares. Still sleeping either not enough or too much. Haven't done yoga in a month. Self-care has been inconsistent and the holidays don't help.

The tone of this post is depressing. I'm hoping that by letting it out I can release some of the weight I am carrying. I'm sick and down now but know these are both temporary states. I made it to the new year, got out on my own, and am working to get to equilibrium. Tired myself out writing this so time to nap.

[woodsgnome]

Your insights (positive and negative) were sorely missed. I'd check every so often, relieved to find you hadn't wandered on for good, as I'd miss what you have to say, and the creative way in which you do so. Mainly, the intense honesty with which you reflect on this.

So I hope you'll find a comfortable fit, despite the nature of the site topics dealing with so much that's stressful. I look forward to future contributions, as you feel moved to do so. As you say, writing is sometimes a good way to 'let it out' but beyond that, sharing with others on the journey is therapeutic in its own way.

[mourningdove]

I felt that nobody cared that I was gone.

I did. I've found myself wondering about you many times. Glad you are back! Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time right now.

[Three Roses]

May I say, I'm glad you're back?

[Wife#2]

MFTB! I am glad you have returned to your journal. I will echo the others - you were missed! I do understand that sometimes, a break from here is needed. Thank you for taking some time to rejoin us! We've all been thinking of you and hoping you are managing. Thank you for trusting us with the fact that all is not well. We will be here for you as much as we possibly can.

[radical]

I cared you were gone.  I missed you, and I've looked out for you since.  I'm so glad you are back!

In a big rush today.  Looking forward to talking more

[movementforthebetter]

Thank you for the support, everyone. I think it's going to be very good for me to be back, and I've been wondering how everyone here is doing, too.

I'm currently suffering a flu/insomnia double-whammy, but it's not the sickest I've ever been, and I have my own space to be sick in, so it's mostly ok. Lots of old movies and books filling my time lately... All light entertainment for the most part. I'm not willing to tackle anything too heavy while sick... That's how ruminating gets started for me, then feeling sorry for myself, etc. I have a related topic ro start re: feelings surrounding illness so will expand over there.

[movementforthebetter]

I saw a Dr. today. It seems unlikely I have the flu now. He said I do have a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. I find that interesting as I hadn't had any sinus pain. I have had a runny nose for months, however, and had chalked it up to allergies. I also had other complaints that I thought were TMJ related. I can hear my pulse in my right ear much of the time, a woosh-woosh-woosh depending on how my head's tilted or jaw positioned. My right side of my jaw does seem more "bulky" than the left, and has since my dental work in the summer. Lately, I've also noticed I flush after eating. I thought it meant I was eatingtoo much sodium or something. The Dr. said since the E-N-T are all connected, it makes sense it could impact my hearing. The flushing makes sense for infection, too. Am really looking forward to these things resolving, as I had figured they were all unfortunate consequences of getting older!

It's pretty amazing how many conditions I've had in my life that have been outright dismissed by Drs, mishandled, or that I was told were in my head by either my M or SF. It happened enough over my life that now my automatic assumption is that if I have a health issue, it must be because I am defective somehow and that's just how it is. Not that I deserve care to fix the problems. I must actively fight agains that.

An example of how life-consuming depression and low self esteem are in the wake of my childhood abuse, and complicate health matters. I had to pep talk myself for 5 minutes tonight just to brush my teeth. I didn't want to. It seemed hopeless and pointless. My teeth are terrible, etc. If I had self worth, it would be automatic and less difficult. It occurred to me that perhaps self esteem will be the result of going through with as many pep talks as I need, as many time as I need one. And even if it takes me longer, it's still worth it and I am worth any amount of time it takes me. I want to aply that attitude over more areas in my life. I have been, bit by bit. Hopefully I can become consistent. I can hardly imagine that now, but anything's possible.

[movementforthebetter]

I may not have had the flu. I do have a bad sinus infection that was causing pain and hearing issues in my right ear. Am on antibiotics now, hope to be better soon. Could feel the pressure in my head deflating today, and my face burning hot. Weird sensations.

Soon I will get up and clean my apartment, and maybe even do yoga. That is what the me I am capable of being does! But first I want to explore some feeeeeelings.

As I left work tonight I felt anxious. This is regarding my workload mainly - next week will be a very busy one, but it will ultimately be fine, I know. I am still learning, and I think I might be judging my capabilities more harshly than my coworkers. I think these things despite getting several compliments on some work I did quite intuitively today. My inner critic always looks for any chance to chime in so I had to dig harder to see if there was more underneath.

I found I felt anxious for another reason, too. I was anxious about going home and maybe spending the entire weekend alone. Like from Friday to Monday, I might not talk to anyone. That realization stunned me. My coworkers have become my main source of socialization. Being home, still sick, alone and without them to laugh with scares me a bit, especially since I just spent the better part of a week sick. I did my best to meditate on the bus but I know I was making a scrunchy frown with my eyes closed, feeling over irritated by the crowd.

My thoughts turned to companionship; how I was still alone in my relationship.  How I would rather be alone than alone in love. What that really means is that I don't know that I am cared for most of the time. Is that selfish? The past few weeks have been hard. I do still love my ex so much. It hurts so much to admit, especially coming from my new perspective and knowing that our life together wasn't good for me. I have been trying to acknowledge that love as I feel it but also to release it. Most of the things my ex provided, I am capable of providing to myself. I need more patience for myself, though. Love is ongoing, and time moves slowly when there's only music to soothe my pain. I've discovered I can't even listen to most of my music since I left - everything reminds me of us. I had a horrible sobbing night a few days before christmas, and again before New Year's.

I'm really feeling like I need companionship. If I hold myself or stroke my own hair, or rub my own shoulders, I still know it's me, it still feels like my own hand, it doesn't feel as good as another's. Those things matter, even if I am trying to redefine myself without them. I am still a human, still social, still needing and deserving comfort. But not from just anyone - that's always the rub. And I'd rather bear this pain than be with someone I don't trust. Honestly, I'm not sure I will ever truly trust. I feel like I need someone to teach me what love can be. That stradles the line between corny and poetry, but there it is.

Ugh, I cried writing this. I am so lonely. And so not on top of my life, so it's no good pining away when I'm not even offering anything besides my hot mess self. It's just that deep in one side of my heart, I think my hot mess self is awesome, and deserves love. I guess the best I can do is love the hot mess by making it less of a mess. So, Friday date night with myself is set. Cleaning and yoga it is.

[movementforthebetter]

I am feeling the slightest bit more collected today. I cleaned last night and again this morning.

I went to see my ex today. He had some storage cubes I need for shelving as I'm too broke to buy any more furniture right now. We used them to hold our guinea pig's cage. She died a few days before christmas. It seemed unrelated to her toe, which had healed over. She went suddenly and at an old age so I guess that's the best way she could have gone. Dealing with that was awful but I don't know if I will journal about it.

My ex and I talked and had a light lunch, then he asked if I wanted to see a movie. Sure, why not, we're both trying to pass some lonely time and a movie is relatively benign. We saw Arrival. It was a good show. All about communication - how ironic. After, he offered to make dinner if I'd join him. I said ok. I was terrified that there was an alterior motive in all this generosity and I almost burst into tears in the car park. But there wasn't. He is lonely too. We were together almost every day for nearly a decade. He just wanted to feel normal, I think.

We talked a bit after dinner. I don't remember how we got on the topic but we started talking about why we ended and if anything could have been different. And the floodgates opened. I cried and cried and told him most of the things I've written here with the exception of cheating. I can't bear to tell him that. We talked about a relationship channel he's been watching and how he learned about codependency - it surprised me but I'm grateful he came to that realization on his own. We both seem to agree that what happened is probably for the best in the long run, although it's so painful right now.

I'm mentally drained but I think it was positive that we had this talk today. I hope I didn't hurt him more than I already had. I hope we each can move forward feeling a bit better about things.

[movementforthebetter]

Today has been better. I made myself do yoga for the first time in a month. Despite knowing I would feel better, I was afraid to do it for some reason. But I've broken that mental barrier now. I also walked around my new city for an hour and a half. It felt good to be outside again, not just commuting.

Food wise I recognized myself mindlessly eating chocolate and stopped myself before it became a full-on binge. I made a sandwich and ate that and felt better after.

Looking forward to work tomorrow. Lots to do and I'm ready to get busy. But it might snow again tonight... If it does I might not be able to actually get to work. We shall see.

[movementforthebetter]

A thought that's been floating in and out of my mind for a couple days. Maybe self-evident to some, but wasn't to me.

If there's any physical aspect of myself that l don't like, it can only be because of a message passed on from another person. Similarly, aspects of my character can only be measured in relation to others. In a vaccuum I would have no context in which I could dislike myself. I have spent a lot of my life thinking that it's not me, it's society that's wrong/sick/has backwards priorities. In a lot of ways, I am right. But I still have to live in this world.



I have been working on "doing it for my own satisfaction" for a while, and mostly it works. One of the challenges I am currently encountering is needing to maintain my motivation in the face of others' lack of motivation. Again, doing what I do for my own satisfaction is crucial. The other is consistency of motivation and energy. Will try to remind myself that nothing is about me personally. It helps a little.

[sanmagic7]

hey, mftb,

thought i'd weigh in here.  i know it's been quite awhile.  i don't know exactly why, except i've been in and out of this place a few times, too, and i may have missed you because of it.  i'm sorry i did. 

i think you came up with a brilliant realization, especially about the idea that if we lived in a vacuum, we'd have no context for negativity against ourselves.  i always think of us as babies - we love ourselves unconditionally, don't have a neg. thought about ourselves, and make our needs known without apology.  i agree that other voices have been at work, drowning out our own instinctual love of ourselves just the way we are.

i'm glad that thought floated in to stay.  yeah, we have to live in our various societies, you're right.  it's really difficult at times to remain true and loving to ourselves.  i'm just glad you're getting back to self-care.  i have problems with sleep as well, so i can relate to that, too.  it really sucks. 

you are such a courageous, insightful, and honest person and i've missed you, missed your feedback.  doing it for your own satisfaction - i think that's a wonderful perspective.  i have to keep that in mind, too.  too often i get hung up on doing it because of expectations.   big hug.

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Sanmagic7, thanks so much for your comment. The last part of my day was cruddy but you've given me a lift.



Today I witnessed something scary. I'm fine, it was just one of those things thay happen in a big city from time to time. I won't describe it here - it would be triggering and the details aren't relevant, except to say that the shock and fear of it started a shame spiral going. I realized it was happening, recognized my inner critic, but felt a bit like an observer in my own head. I heard the voice but for whatever reason I could not respond to it. I also noticed my outer critic as a separate but related entity for the first time. Hooray? In noticing it, I was able to deflect it. So one victory today.

Feeling alone and rejected. Everybody is sick or has other things to do lately. Feeling like there's some secret way to interact with people so that they will engage, but I never learned it. So I ended up alone today despite reaching out. I guess I reached out to the wrong people.

Been thinking about a girl I went to high school with lately. I did something that made her mad, and we argued over it. It basically ended our friendship. She told me she had never gone to bed angry before. Looking back now, I wonder how many times I went to bed leading up to that day feeling good that weren't rooted in denial of my life. I know we say there's no heirarchy of hurt, but it's hard to believe when remembering one incident vs. A lifetime of sadness.

Anyway, here I am thinking of her, and she's probably sleeping soundly, so yeah, some things change, but people rarley do.

[sanmagic7]

o my, i've got that happening right now, too.  my best friend, with whom i'd shared everything, has been so overloaded with taking care of her mother last year, then her mom died just before thanksgiving and she's been in deep grieving, and now she's so sick she can't even speak - and i was so traumatized last year that neither of us could really give support to the other.  she's the one person who hasn't changed, but it's been a good thing.  just circumstances got in the way.

on other levels, tho, i've had two people in my life last year that hadn't changed in decades, and that turned out to be a neg. thing, but i finally got to the point that i realized what it was meaning for me and my life, and eliminated them.  actually, it feels better.  i kept thinking that the changes would come - they never did. 

i can really relate to not learning how to engage with people.  i've never been good at small talk, and i'd sit in classes, watch others be able to just start talking to each other, get along, and i was completely bamboozled as to how they did that!  yet, i had a great social life, team sports, got along great with people.  i don't know what the difference was or how it happened like that.  it was like a night and day thing.  very weird to me.

i've never heard of the hierarchy of hurt, i must admit.  how does that work?

truly sorry about the scary incident.  sucks.  i'm just glad you're ok, at least physically.  it is one of the downers of living in a big city. 

i'm glad you reached out here.  it's good to hear your voice again.      right back atcha!