FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary- i appreciate the care.

I forgot to mention the masseuse is trauma informed.  Made a lot of difference for me. The last massage I received was not enjoyable in fact, it was painful.

[Armee]

I've really struggled with massages as even the lightest touch can feel like a bruise. How did you find trauma-informed masseuse?

Oh my gosh I laughed out loud at the end of your post about A...wanting to find a new heart, head, body. Yes, it is exhausting to carry the symptoms of cptsd everywhere all the time.

But also, it would be very normal to feel resentment toward A, for leaving for so long and then coming back and getting to be taken care of by you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You're allowed to want him there but also be angry or resentful, you're even allowed to express that conflict. 

[Moondance]

Lol Armee - yep still feel that way this morning.

I Googled CPTSD massage near me.  Yes the last time I had a massage it was terrible.  She could not finish, it was too painful and for the following week I felt like a truck had hit me, over and over.

This experience was very different.  She was very gentle and kept checking in with me about the pressure being right and just how I was doing in general. 

She also used a technique called
Craniosacral therapy.  As per internet craniosacral therapy is ideally suited for healing trauma since all trauma is both emotional, and craniosacral therapy produces what is called a somatic emotional release. A somatic emotional release is a mind-body technique that also releases emotional trauma from the body.

Whilst lying on your back the masseuse cups your head in the palm of her hands and ever so slightly maneuvers (I hardly notice movement but do notice a release right away) your head.  I find it very effective, probably the only release I can get from tension in neck and back of my head.

Thank you Armee for reminding me I'm allowed to feel what I feel.  It was so ingrained in me to not feel/suppress my feelings that now I find its automatic to not allow myself whatever it is I'm feeling.



 
 

[Moondance]

Just re-read the bottom of my above post. No doubt this is why I called my journal Finding my feelings.


Anyway I feel out of touch, numb and depressed. I'm sleeping more than usual. Gosh I sleep a lot. 

I think the reasons for the increased depression are...

1.  No more appointments with T til July 14.

2.  Still feeling really anxious about the doctor appointment I had, it keeps going over and over in my head how I lost it, how she's not supportive in fact I believe she does not believe I should be on long term disability.  Nor is she trauma informed. 

It's not just the above incident, it's all situations.  I am overwhelmed.  I hate who I am, what I have become. It feels like everything is falling apart, again.  I thought I was getting some footing back but no, not really.  I don't want to do anything.

Perhaps the massage triggered some stuff? Who knows?? 

This is where I am at today.



 

[Moondance]

I have difficulty explaining or expressing what is happening g to me.

I received a call yesterday from psychiatrist office (referred to by my trauma uninformed doctor).  Anxieties rose then.  An appointment was made for July 2024.  For assessment only. I have been assessed and am looking for a permanent psychiatrist, one I can see regularly.  With the hope of ensuring the meds I am taking are working.  I don't think they are working. 

Anyway I'm thinking I do not want to see this psychiatrist because I don't trust the referring doctor.

Maybe I should just go to hospital and get help.  Will they help me? Who will look after A and my cat?

 

[natureluvr]

 

[Armee]

 

A can look after himself. You are your responsibility. If you need to go to the hospital A can take care of himself and your cat.  do what you need to stabilize. You deserve that. I'm sorry both the doctor and psychiatrist sound very out of touch and no wonder it was triggering to deal with. I'm sorry.   

[Moondance]

Your big hugs matter to me and help.


 

[Moondance]

I was thinking about a few things this morning.  Well actually the wheels don't ever seem to stop.

My last therapy session with T was good in different ways.  I have 1 more session scheduled for July and then we have to wait for funding before we can continue.  We have both been accepted for the grant but are on a waiting list.  More funding is required. We are 200th on the list.  There is such a need.
I wish I was better in that I could help, somehow with the funding.  But I'm pretty isolated, I've lost contact, out of choice with businesses that may provide funding.  I'm not physically or mentally well enough to start a group walk and that would mean getting out, talking to people.  I just can't see how I can help.
I don't even feel well enough to volunteer for goodness sake. 

I digress - what I really  wanted to write about is that T made me promise to reach out to her should I start to go downhill and she said that if needed she is willing to forgo fees.  She referenced her own journey and that this would be a way to give back.  She has more than enough clients and can do this for me. 

When she told me that there wS literally a guttural, almost a gurgling that started to come up, out of me. I covered my mouth to stop it.  It affected me deeply.    Hopefully I will never have to take her up on it.  Even writing this feels emotional.  In that moment, albeit a short moment, I felt cared for.  And whenever I think of her saying that I can feel the care.

 

[natureluvr]

Moondance, that is amazing.  To me, it shows that she truly cares for you. 

[Moondance]

Yes it surely felt that way.  Thank you for the big hug.  It's always appreciated so I send one right back at you Natureluvr.

 

[Moondance]

I am thinking about how, when my defenses are not up I can feel a bit like my old self.  I think recalling what my T said to me softens me. 

********

Father's day tomorrow.  My father was an alcoholic, possibly a sex addict - definitely dysfunctional as he caroused whilst married.  He was not emotionally available. He was verbally abusive. He did not ever provide support for us whether emotional or financial.  I dont recall ever feeling protected by my father.  He remarried and chose that family as his family.  He passed last October.  I did not attend his funeral because he really wasn't a father to me and I certainly didn't want to be around or see any FOO. From what I hear
he suffered greatly before passing.
If anything his passing is allowing me to grieve.

 

 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, so much happening, so much going on for you.  i totally get why the referral from the doc who doesn't necessarily believe you belong on disability would make you apprehensive.  i do hope you find a psychiatrist of your own soon in order to check on your meds.  the right ones can make all the difference.

i agree w/ armee, A is an adult, can take care of himself.  could also take care of the cat.  you do what's helpful for you above and beyond anyone else.  that's your primary job.  in the meantime, how about a cool beverage, some silly show to just take your mind off things for a little bit.  and, i'm so glad you're T is caring and making herself available.  i understand that feeling of having someone be kind when we're not used to it.  i've burst into tears several times because of that same thing.  it just feels so weird. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a big hug

[Armee]

 

[Moondance]

Thank you for the hugs San and Armee - always appreciated.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this about A but he has memory issues.  He's unable to cook - he might burn down the place.  He has a hard time remembering if the cat is on the porch never mind feeding her or remembering if he has something cooking on the stove.  I most likely did not mention.  I could though, if worse comes to worse ask his brother to look after him and my neighbor could possibly look after my cat. 

Not feeling great so that's all for now.