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Yeah, the more I think about it and what to write, the more useless it seems. Obviously he doesn't get it. I am feeling more angry about it now. It begs the question how did I even survive childhood? And how did I empathize with these people for 46 years not even realizing it wasn't my fault? I know, but wow. Just insane.

Gosh, Cascade, I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. I wonder what his intentions were with that.. seems insensitive..?. It would be so nice to think your brother could be supportive and understanding and that y'all could commiserate over shared experience. I think it's smart to observe that he is manipulative. That's a big red flag to me. If you do disclose anything to him, proceed with caution, please. Listen to your body.

I wonder if you dipped a toe in and asked him what his experience was like, what he would say. Sending support to you as you navigate your relationship with your brother.

All of your support and feedback has been invaluable to me this MD. It seems like last year I got through it the most easily in years but this year was harder.

Cascade, I really appreciate the validation. It's always a shocker at first when my dad does this stuff. You helped me come back down to earth. I have an easier time of intellectualizing these things but the nervous system is still sensitive for sure. I did observe though that it settled down much quicker than in the past, and wasn't triggered as bad as before. Yay me! lol

Have you learned any coping mechanisms to help you prepare for the triggers that might rear up around the wedding?

I imagine grey rock will be in full effect. I'll be around all of the people who I went NC from, who think I'm bad for this, and who covertly take their side. There will be friends there too, so I imagine spending any chatty time with them. I imagine I will be cordial to the abusers but distant, stay as short of time as possible and skedaddle. Sad way to anticipate your sisters wedding.

Im sarcastic too, Armee. lol. Oddly, I learned a long time ago that sarcasm does not compute with my parents. I thought of something like that, too.

"Dad we talked about my relationship with mom and how harmful it was, remember? Mother's Day is pretty difficult for me and causes a lot of grief and it really hurts that you would ignore that. I wish I had a mom that I could spend the day celebrating with, but I don't. It would help if you would acknowledge the difficult truth here."

I'm sorry he sent that. He is either guilt tripping you or really wants to pretend everything is fine.

That is such eloquent words that would make perfect sense to send. I think I will. I will change it up just a bit so I'm not using your exact words but it is perfect. I know he will gloss over it and say something religious and dismissive in response but that is his problem. I think he is BOTH guilt tripping and pretending everything is fine, his two favorite past times. Otherwise he might have to look at his own situation. Oh the horror. The other thing with him is he wants me to think of abusive wife #2 fondly and as a "mom." Cringe to the max.

Thank you for the empathy, Dolly! I am most definitely the scapegoat and do gear a lot of healing around that vantage point. Jay Reid and Rebecca mandeville are two I find helpful.

I was reading another post recently about what are thee benefits of growing up as a scapegoat in the family, and someone commented how they were able to leave and how much better they're doing now (not that you're a scapegoat). I just felt like for me, it can be so hard to see that yes, I actually am doing better now than I was when I was with my family, and as much as child consciousness me yearns for that connection and protection, adult consciousness me can see that they would've never given it to me no matter what I said.

Well said. I've been NC for 9 years now (from NM) and VLC from dad for many years, and still struggle every day. I envy those who say after a couple of years they are thriving and happier than ever. I thought that would be me, honestly.

Some days are better but it is always on my mind. Most of the time just trying to be gentle with myself and remind myself that I am strong, that as a child and young adult I was especially strong and didn't even know it, and that going back would lead to more of the same. I get deeply sad, often. I've tried pursuing dreams, hobbies, fitness, being more authentic..that has led me to basically cut ties with many friends I once had due to now seeing the toxic draining dynamic. But that's another story.

I know I just have to get through this phase, until the next one. It seems it will never end. This is just how "this life" is.

I love and appreciate you all here.
Phoebes

My very enabling dad who I have had several long conversations with about why I am no contact with my NM... first of all, never texts me or calls yet when I text or call he says things like "do you even remember what I sound like?" And I miss you and want to talk to you more often! But yet he never calls or text me or tries to have an actual relationship.

So today, not that big of a surprise after a long period of silence, I get a text saying he hopes I am having a great Mother's Day with my mom. It's so ridiculous and out there and on the nose that on one hand, I see it for what it is. On the other hand, I didn't know he was still in denial about that. at least if he doesn't talk about it he still knows what the deal is right? I told him at great length and fine detail. Or he's not in denial, just trying to paint me a bad person for not being in contact with her.

I remember as I was talking to him about it before his face looking in shock and light deer in the headlights. I didn't realize that by telling him about my mom I would actually be pointing out to him all the things he missed. He needed to hear that anyway, so that was fine. Now he's majorly gaslighting me .

Should I respond to that at all? Probably not. Should I ask him Why do you say that? I don't really know where the conversation go if he didn't listen to me and acknowledge before. It hurts that he doesn't even think about how hard Mother's Day are for me or how this whole situation is for me. He is way more concerned about how his ex-wife feels. I've been going through a hard time with it lately, lots of SI worse than ever. And I'm just starting to do better.

He is going to be here during the period of my sister's wedding at the end of the month and expect to see me otherwise I would just ignore or maybe go NC with him right now too. Honestly, I hope I catch the flu right before the wedding. Or Covid yeah Covid.

Just what I was thinking too, Kizzie. Thank you for the validation. 

Thank you all so much for the support. I can't tell you how much you helped.

When I finally sent the text about one minute later, she replied, saying she had tried to call to let me know she was Ing for giving out my number and that it would not happen again. Then she asked if I forgive her and of course I do. But then she didn't address the other stuff and I wonder if she even read it based on how fast she answered. Either gaslighting or something strange I don't know but I think I feel better and now if she does it again, I can at least point out that this is what I was talking about in my text.

I did it. 

Well, I think I've tweaked and thought this thing to death. I can really deconstruct all  the ways c-ptsd affects this type of thing. I had weird dreams related to it all night and woke up thinking of my great grandpa of all people.

I guess I, going to Hail Mary and send this text. She has been calling, texting and instagramming every day since our gathering, but only with "had a great time" and "positive" quotes. Gaslighting much? I offer to talk to her about it later if she would like. I hope I'm not throwing myself to the dogs, but if I am,I understand that it will be her choice to force me to maintain a distance.

Yall have really helped me take a deep breath, and I could feel the tension relax. Thank you. Yes it's like I go around and around in my head and analyze the way I say everything and what exactly I say and is it exactly what I want to say and will it come across that message. And I get amped up and my head starts spinning and well. I usually feel like I've waited too long and the time has passed and then the person feels like I ghosted them. I don't want to do that. Oddly this is an important person to me so I want to handle it correctly, but I don't believe she is self-aware at all and I guess the fear is the usual fear. How the person who is unconscious of their misbehavior will react.  I can say who cares all I want but my nervous system does care apparently. Lol.

Ugh. And now I keep tweaking the text and still haven't sent it. 

Thanks BB and Kizzie, I like the point that either way it's uncomfortable so may as well do it! I've spent way too long writing a short text out this morning. She called last night and I saw her name and froze and didn't answer. One part is the major violations of that night and the other part is more covert. She did do a little of it that night as well just the way she responds to me with toxic positivity And almost like she's correcting what I say. I think of it as she is policing my thoughts and feelings. It's bizarre because she gaslight herself and does the toxic positivity thing to herself, so of course she does it to other people, but she does it to me more. I feel like a target of sorts. When I've said things to her in the past she has been, well toxically positive. But in condescending covert way it's hard to explain. It's to the point where I already feel on guard around her. I tend to think she would not like that but then that's what this whole dynamic creates I guess. as usual, I feel responsible .

Interesting thread, narc kiddo and others! This resonated with me so I thought I'd share. I knew with your TW it might be humorous, and hairballs did not disappoint!

Touch for me is a nuanced topic, and I think for th most part it is the 'expectation' that makes it repulsive for me. First, my NMom who was physically abusive, a,ongst other types..fear-inducing and not loving, then around people she would put on a display of hugging me. Then, her hugs are the creepy, too clingy, too long type of hugs that make your skin crawl.

My enabling dad's hugs had that lingering too long, and somehow slightly sexual in innuendo. Like his hand would be a little too low or high. Whatever the case, I never got the sense from my parents that hugs were a comforting, comfortable or endearing thing. They were sort of a creepy requirement, mostly for show around other people.

That said, I'm OK with hugs from certain people. I can tell the type of people who have a healthy way of interacting and hugging, and that's fine.

Just with basic touch, though, I am more sensitive than the common person. I don't like people touching my hair, especially. Don't like people who walk up and get all touchy-feely and if you poke me for any reason, I will likely come unglued internally when I say something like, please don't do that most people make a comment like I'm too sensitive or a cold or they were just being friendly. Maybe I don't have a sense for what, but I do know that I don't like.

Thank you Kizzie. I've been maintaining through challenges, but some harder situations have come up that I'm struggling to handle better. Like a cousin who I occasionally see, but who has always been a close cousin and friend has amped up her boundary, crossing and frankly way of communicating with me that is very offputting. I think you could call it toxic positivity on steroids I can barely express a thought without her, correcting me and some sort of toxic positivity way. Then, we were out and she was talking to, some guy and she gave my number to him (since she's married). I didn't know that until later, but now I feel very violated, and like I should have called out the other stuff sooner. So now I'm overwhelmed with feeling like I have to bring this up and talk to her about it somehow. And I don't know that she's the type who can hear it.

I've been stuck in dorsal vagal shut down for a while. I haven't been on here. I think I wrote one discombobulated post that I deleted because I didn't even understand it myself.

Feeling overwhelmed and have events coming up I really don't want to go to. Having trouble staying true to myself and boundaries. Yesterday Myself in a situation where I once again fawned and stressing over whether or not to say something and if so, what?

I think I've just changed, for one thing, and have a hard time with other peoples projections and discomfort. This is why I isolate, I often feel uncomfortable around others. My boundaries are often crossed because I've always been a pleaser. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I struggle to assert myself in a functional way. Then I just shut down and isolate and people think I've ghosted them.

Why can't I just tell them how I feel and let the chips fall where they may? That is just a terrifying notion to me, unfortunately.

Thank you for your response, blueberry. I do agree with what you're saying. It's hard. And the closer it gets the more I'm feeling depressed and panicky about the situation. I'm really struggling lately for multiple reasons, and this is just coming along at a really bad time adding to it.

I'm going to keep thinking about what you said, and what my truest gut feeling is in the end. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the wedding, but then I already know I don't live in fantasyland anymore.