Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

San, I hadn't been able to cry through any of this until I read this. Sadly that meant tearing up in a coffee shop because I came here when I needed to leave my house before work. Thank you for all of your kind words. I know you are here with me even if you are not directly responding, you also have so much on your plate.

I will envision the flower, I have actually been working on a drawing of some flowers this morning. It will now make me think of you 

I am glad you have heard of the flash method. I am hopeful it will continue to work, and get me to a better level. I am however nervous just because of how intense this week was. It is good and important to do the intensely work, but it is so much to take in. As you said, it is like reliving an entire life of trauma in a few hours... I don't get much rest between honestly. Am working large amounts of days in a row (currently on day five of at least fifteen in a row).. worked twelve in a row before this with only one day off between. That day was spent at my alma mater dealing with my ex flute teacher, and a small emotional flashback...  I am in desperate need of real rest, but can't seem to find any. No wonder I feel like I am out of strength.

I am coming around to remembering why I came to the conclusion I wasn't a monster. Reading all that you wrote there truly helps. I have much more heart and compassion than a monster would. All of the bad I did was in conjunction with impossible situations, and lots of coercion. Add in fear for my well being, and life in some cases...

I don't feel like my light is very bright at this point.. I am trying to keep it lit at this point. I know it will come back, and I will fight for that..l but goodness it is dim, and the flame needs some fanning these days. Too much muck sometimes. I may be strong but I am still only human.

Rereading you calling me a great addition to this world renewed s bit of the teary eyed  feelings. Being reminded of that right now is more important than I think I realized. Thank you for that my dear.

I will gladly be embraced in earth mother spirit, today and really everyday. Letting her be a part of both of us. It reminds me that I am in fact a healer, but also worth being healed. Thank you for sharing your light with me. It shines brighter than I can ever tell you.

[sanmagic7]

honey, your light shines thru the muck - i can see it.  when we're in the middle of the muck, as you are right now, it's hard to see our own light, that's all.  it does feel dim at those times, but we are able to see it and feel its warmth nonetheless.  it's still there.  never fear.

remember, you can tell your t you need a little extra time and space if this stuff is getting too overwhelming.  i agree it needs to be done, but slower can be faster with trauma processing sometimes.  with all the physical work you do on your jobs, all the days and shifts you carry, i don't want to see you run into the ground.  does your t know how much time/days you put in at work? 

you really are valuable in the world, in my life, and if you continue on the road to being a healer, then that value extends to the lives of others in a life-changing way.  talk about life giving us lemons and we turn it into lemonade!  wow - what a humungous example of that.   make things as easy as possible for yourself, especially now.  you deserve that - you've had it hard enough for too long.   love you so, hugs o' plenty to you.

[Blueberry]

You're not whining at all! Not at all.
I am so very sorry to hear that a loved one of yours got cancer. If she doesn't want to fight it, then the only thing you can do for her is support her, love her, and tell her she matters to you.

Exactly. Also to repeat: you're not whining! You, we, I can express sadness, regret - whatever -  without that being whining!

I'm really sorry you're set to lose someone who has been there for you in the past, somebody in your FOO who is actually healthy. 

[Elphanigh]

You two are so precious to me. Thank you for being in my life 

San, I am glad someone still sees and feels that light.  It feels so dim and almost nonexistant to me today.

My T knows my work schedule very well, but also knows how determined i am to continue working so hard ro recover. If I ever asked to back down a bit I know she would. I think she worries more than i do about it tbh.

I do feel like I am run into the ground at this point. No one persons fault, except for maybe mine. I am going to do a lot of self care tonight (just got off work) hoping to maybe restore a bit of myself, although i know I need more than one night of it... honestly lots of dizzy spells the last three or four days. Probably not a good sign. I cam feel a giant crash coming, and need to do everything i can to stop it from happening.

It feels really good to be valuable, and useful San. I haven't felt like I have been either of those things for a couple of weeks. Just have not bounced back.

Blueberry that is wise. I will try to remember this isn't whining. It is true and important emotions

[DecimalRocket]

Of course you're not whining, Elpha. Anyone would be distraught about losing a loved one they cherished. I haven't lost someone like that in my life yet, but it sounds really serious to me. Nothing worth calling whining about.

Take care. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Decimal. 

I have lost so many people near to me in my life. It is something that I start to feel like I should be used to.. it makes feeling these emotions seem like something I should be guilty for or feel shame towards. Like I am just simply not strong enough

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, you're definitely strong enough.  feeling emotional and vulnerable does not equate to weakness.  all those losses, they all take a toll.  every new one, a new toll.  and with your work and recovery, it can easily be overwhelming.  that's not weakness in the least, tho.

please, take care of yourself as best you can.  you so deserve it, you're worth it, and i think, as difficult as it may be to do self-care, it's even harder if we have to pick ourselves up after a crash.  embracing you and all you're going thru.  rest in my arms, if only for a moment, and be replenished.  give yourself a hug and know it's from me.  just collapse into it,  you've earned it.  sending love, strength, and resilience

love and hugs, always, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I am glad you see strength in me. It is hard to feel like I am strong enough when I feel like I am working so hard to fight but still being dragged under. I compared it to feeling like one of those fish that swim up stream in the rapids, while trying to dodge the bears.... 

I took time to do so much self care yesterday, and felt more myself this morning. However, working 6 hours today took that from me. I feel like I am back at square one just trying to stay afloat.. I need a day off but I will never get one of those. Having had only one real day off in like three weeks I am starting to fall. Then knowing I work like 60 hours in the next week just makes me feel like crashing early....

Having that hug from you is so amazing my dear. Can I sit in it a little tonight? I am off for the evening and need everything I can get.

[sanmagic7]

that hug is available to you anytime you want it.  it's yours for the taking. 

i learned that little exercise from 3roses.  she once told me to give myself a hug and pretend it was her hugging me.  i cried and cried, it felt so good.  so real.  i'm ever grateful to her for that.  so, whenever i can pass that along to someone, o my, yes, go for it.

love and rest whenever you can, sweetie.  just relax and replenish in the hug as much as you're able.

[Elphanigh]

San, you and Three Roses are two of the wisest, most compassionate women I know. I am grateful to have you both in my life.

That hug will give me strength as I prepare to really go at all of this. Tonight starts a long string of shifts with only a bit of sleep between. It is really great to have something to come back to. Thank you my dear 

[Elphanigh]

I found myself drawing today, it is helpful to find some peace in that. I also did some yoga, just to get some tension out of my shoulders. Ended up in childs pose, and just cried. Like the yoga had been a physical release of all that I have been feeling. I know I have to keep being strong and walking this journey, and I want to. I want to heal, grow, and become whatever it is I will at the other side of this. There is so much of me that needs to believe that other side does truly exist, that there is another part of my journey.

I do also note that I have to pick my battles sometimes. Right now, at least for a few days, that is just fighting to keep the physical energy to work through the holiday. After that some of the other pieces, but for tonight and tomorrow I just have to work.

[DecimalRocket]

I find it wonderful how many people here find solace in different hobbies. I'd like to try as many hobbies as I can and could enjoy in this life, even the more physical and social ones I often ignore, and I enjoy hearing other's experiences on these.

I've seen your art in another thread, and it looked beautiful, like you are. Well, I hope you find a way to heal with art and yoga. It really is something.

[Elphanigh]

I agree wirh all of that Decimal. I have found thay hobbies can be so healing, it feels like I have a million to be honest. It was fun to pick different rhings up as a kid, and even just in the last few years. 


I lost the love for many if my creative pursuits when i started trauma therapy because everything was swirling so much. It seems like I am finally able to enjoy some of those things again.

I wish you lots if healing and luck with honbies as well. We will live our lives to the fullest as you mentioned, I have faith

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I haven't been as active or as honest the last week or two. Life has been crazy and stressful.. but I want to admit something in a safe space tonight, something that has only been said to one other trusted friend

I am worried about my drinking, over the last few months (really since the holidays) it has gotten worse. I didn't think much of it initially but pms friend pointed out a pattern and it worries me. I used to drink a lot in college, and would brag about how much I could down because I held my liquor almost as well as men twice my size. I was 'lucky' that way. Recently though it has spiked again, not in such extreme amounts but kremlin often and less socially. In college it was socially acceptable to say the least. Now though it is drinking at home to quiet my mind a little, or have a few drinks so I can talk to my Foo, or like tonight it was drink a bottle of wine to try and clean my apartment.... it isn't large amounts but it gets more as it goes. It is more often. If I am honest, probably three or four times a week I have at least two or three glasses.

I know that isn't alcoholic level but I recognize I am using it for the wrong reasons, and certainly too often. I just want my mind to shut up sometimes, and no amount of yoga or meditation (etc.) does quite the same amount as a half bottle of wine or some vodka... this is me admitting it is a problem and promising myself that I will address it in a healthy way with my T.I don't want it to get worse.

Honestly, I am terrified of posting this a bit.. I have so much shame on this subject and on the food subject.. I constantly get told how strong I am, how far I have come but these coping skills come in and take over sometimes. Some days I choose so well, and others I don't have as much will power.... someday I take the easy route. I am worried that makes me an awful survivor, and even more worried it makes me an awful moderator.... that I am not a good enough role model to be moderating here. Everyone on this forum inspires me to be better, and I worry I don't give that back to anyone. I am young (a whole 24 in about three hours), inexperienced, and dumb in more ways than I thought...

I just needed to be honest somewhere. I hope for anyone that reads this that it is okay

[DecimalRocket]

Elpha, Elpha, it's fine. You don't have to be a perfect or even an excellent role model for us. Honestly, I'm inspired by imperfect role models more.  I'm far from perfect, and seeing people like me who could falter under my pain and still try their best is more inspiring. If they were already excellent, then it's like I personally can't reach their level.

It reminds me of a study I remember reading about growth mindset. It's where they tested allowing children to read textbooks with famous heroes in history. One set just listed their accomplishments, and another listed their big failures as well as their accomplishments. The latter group of children were more inspired to do their best in school.

It's okay to fall back into an addiction again. Many of us can't help looking for unhealthy coping methods, so take care of yourself.