Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for that reassurance. I go back to work fully today so I am hopeful I am as back in myself as I think I am. Will be an interesting adventure, and probably good for me. Tomorrow I will try to moderate, I do want back to that but one thing at a time.

It is good to never have to be alone in this. I had no idea what this place would be like when I joined, it nevertheless occurred to me how important the people here would become to me. Thank you for helping be part of that my dear. 

[Blueberry]

Yes, one thing at a time.  that one by one things are getting back into place for you.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blueberry. 

[Three Roses]

  💓

[Elphanigh]

  ♥️♥️ Thank you, dear

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Elphanigh]

Little me did so well in session today. I am really proud of her, and got to recognize she was brave and good. Same with adult me, it takes courage for me too. Anyways, I went into session really nervous to dive back in after the week I have had but I was determined to tackle it and keep going.

We did a kind of emdr, exposure therapy, and ego state mix today. Eventually it should get to where I can process it fully in Emdr. Basically taking the image of the worst part of what I need to process and sitting with it for tiny bits of time, then regrounding, slowly increasing that time as my reactions are more level and as I dissociate less. While checking in with the younger ego states that struggle more with this.

We are essentially mothering that part of me because she really didn't get any of that. I got mildly emotional at being called brave and good today by my T because it was something no one ever called me when I was younger.

I hope next week I can get more fully okay with the image so I can start to process it. For the moment it is very exposure therapy like in a healthy way of course. I want to keep being strong. I did very well in session, staying very present and with my emotions never hitting above a five. I think spending time with little Elpha truly helped this week. I have a bit of a renewed determination

Although a headache to go after this processing :/

[Elphanigh]

I finally find myself feeling stronger the last few days. There is a ton I need to tend to and that gets overwhelming but I am finding that I cannot remember to breathe and focus on it in bits. My session Tuesday really helped me be able to put away some of what I was processing, in order to function on a day to day basis. I am still working with my Littles, and this process but it is more manageable.

I think I have gotten little Elpha to a place she is calm and able to trust me a bit more. Goodness knows I don't blame her for not trusting me for a while there, I tried to put her through too much too quickly. It is a learning process to remember to think about the younger parts of me everyday. Remembering that I am still working to heal them and include them, which means for now that I need to be cautious enough to think through big steps more thoroughly. This process is crazy sometimes but it will mean better things for me one day. I am convinced

In a different note, I have really been giving weight to what I want to consider as I move forward in life. I do really think there is a piece of me that could make a good therapist and advocate. That part of me would be happiest knowing I was making a large difference for people more directly in this world. Everything I have ever considered as a career was meant to help people and this world in one way or another. I have always formed those plans around how I could help better the world. Maybe just maybe I am meant to do so more directly with people. Maybe I am meant to follow the drive to help people a bit more closely. I honestly have never contemplated it with such seriousness because I did not believe I would ever be capable of helping anyone, because I was too broken. Now I realize that may not be the case. That maybe my experience is exactly what the field needs, people need advocates and professionals that understand. Goodness knows I wished I had someone that understood as I was growing up, or even until before I found my current T..

Big things in my mind, not sure if it is what I will do but for once I am seriously contemplating it. For once I feel like maybe I would be capable of making a difference for people in a big way. That maybe I am not too broken to help others... maybe it is my experience that can be the biggest asset. I have drive for other things, but knowing everything I have ever wanted to do was shaped around helping people leads me to believe that maybe this drive is the stronger one.

Lots to contemplate.

[Blueberry]

  Feeling stronger and having got to a place where little Elpha trusts you better! Yay you! I didn't read the rest. SElf-care and all that. 

[Elphanigh]

Good self care Blueberry  Thank you for reading even a bit of it! The other stuff was just future contemplations

[sanmagic7]

i'll tell ya, el, my experience both in life and with therapy allowed me to connect with clients on levels that other t's couldn't touch.  i was able to get thru to some of the tougher communities, such as addicts and adolescents, that other t's stayed away from cuz they thought there wasn't a very good chance of 'success' with them.  i found the challenge invigorating.

if that's the route you go, i think you'd be marvelous at it.  with your philosophy background, you already have a mind that looks at situations from different angles, creatively, and personally.  i believe that's what the best t's do - consider each person who comes thru their door as an individual, looks for the positives, and makes decisions for treatment that are specific to their personality and background.

even if you don't go that route, i am smiling to know that you're looking toward your future so confidently now that you believe you can aid and assist humanity at a fundamental level.  wow - you are definitely an inspiration.  how far you've come.

even your musical background plays into this - adding trills here and there, a little more or less pressure depending on your own mood and emotions toward the piece.  all of that plays a part in looking toward your future.

so very proud of you, sweetie, if it's not untoward to be so.  you swell my heart.  that light is finding its way, not only lighting your present, but showing you ways into your future.  love and a warm hug to you.  maybe that's why you didn't get into grad school yet - you didn't know that your path could be changing during this year.    magic. 

[Elphanigh]

San, the fact you think I would be good at it warms my heart. I may believe I can help people, but I do still worry whether or not I will be enough. Whether or not the change of field is too drastic. It is also great to know you feel like your experience helped you connect on a deeper level, I have hopes that's if I do this I will be able to help like that.

My music and philosophy to make me able to think and adapt in many different ways. Also both make me sensitive to changes in people and lots of various issues, having read and played them. It is great to be able to hear someone spin my past experience into something that could old help me excel here.

As far as me being an inspiration, I adore that you think that. I am just trying to heal as much as I can. Making as many strides as possible. I don't always see the ones I have made. Thank you for helping me see one of those.

You are allowed to be proud of me, San. It warms my heart to hear them ♥️ I would like to think that me not getting into grad school was meant to be. That I was meant to be healing and finding my true path, whatever that is. I think my heart knows but my brain is not allowing myself to completely accept it, as it isn't terribly logical. One step at a time. At least my logic is considering somethings. Anyways, my dear friend, your response was exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you

[Elphanigh]

Finally have a moment at home to post about Saturday. Long story short I find myself frustrated, confused, baffled, sad, exhausted, and at first fighting an emotional flashback (that one I did nip in the butt thankfully). My old narc flute professor (who I am going to call E) was at an event at my alma mater. I knew she would be so I kind of prepared but one can never truly prepare to deal with that, to truly enforce boundaries that were put in place only two months ago..


She tried to dig into my life, put herself back in this I adore you, am a wonderful mentor and care for your well being place. Sounded like a wise old woman who cares kind of thing, but that is just it with her, she never actually only wants that. Her caring only serves her own purposes. I was her flute prodigy and her project essentially, everything she wanted for me was only to further her reputation.

In the longest hour of my life, I dodge what I could and did fail in a few places but did far better than i would have previously. I found out that she wants me to be a beneficiary on an account of hers, and that she was a trauma survivor and I helped care for her while I was in college without realizing it...
That my compassion kept her okay sometimes... that I healed her and made her a better person etc...

I was just surviving. I gave her life while she tore mine to pieces. I didn't play for a year and she can find no fault in herself. There is nothing even remotely registering for her that she might have had a piece in causing that. It never occurs to her to even question that. To question whether or not she helped cause it.. because she can do no wrong. Because I helped her so it must have been okay. That is all that matters. I gave her so much and she took more from me than I gave. To have her confess she was a survivor and tell me how I helped just made me cringe. I wish it hadn't but it did. I want nothing more than to help others but she was abusive and tore me o shreds because she was taking so much more than I had to give with no regard to what she was doing to me. It was always something else's fault, mainly mine that I wasn't doing well or was hurting. She was never ever at fault, nor was that even an inkling in her mind, it still isn't. She pretends to care but I don't think she is capable.

So to be so conflicted because she is a survivor and I want to care and have compassion for that.. but knowing what * She put me through... I can't have compassion for that, but my nature is to have compassion and heal others. It has neve rnot been that way. Even just as a small child there are stories of me caring and healing others way before I could remember. It is so much of who I am, even before the worst of my abuse and certainly even more so because of my abuse. It is crazy making.

Ugh sorry, there is more but I can only do this in pieces still. 

[Hope67]

Hi Elphanigh,
I read what you wrote - and wanted to just give you a warm and supportive hug  if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, hugs are definitely okay