Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I think you are right.  It is great self care! I am finally learning to do that before my body and mind collapse. It is so much healthier!

I too love to play solitaire. There is something calming and cathartic about it.

[Blueberry]

I am finally learning to do that before my body and mind collapse.

It took me years to learn to do it before collapse! Look at you, doing it already. 

[Elphanigh]

Thanks, it is good to have that recognized From the time I was in high school I would just cycle through being able to be the over achiever that pushed past her limits for months on end, and then would have to collapse for five days... just completely drained in every way imaginable. I would pass out, have panic attacks, and just not be able to sustain life anymore. In college, I learned to only need two days to recover from those crashes, sometimes I would even manage to go to a class or two during those crashes... it is how I managed first trying to heal, balance two jobs, ten classes, two sororities (major offices in both), having a social life, and volunteering regularly. I know sadly tha giant not all that was accomplished but it is all I have to type out. I used to study forty hours a week (this included practicing music)

I for the first time a few weeks ago felt a crash coming and was able to prevent it. For the first time ever, I allowed myself the amount of self care it took to not completely crash. I didn't have to get to the scary spot where I couldn't barely keep going and wold struggle to eat at all. I got to skip that stage. It is a huge thing for me to control my need to do everything, for me to recognize self care as something that is important. I finally can start to not feel as awful if I am not achieving everything. I still really struggle in that area, but at least I don't act on those thoughts any more

[DecimalRocket]

I relate to that Elpha. As I've worked through my studies, I've physically collapsed many times before. I could feel the tiredness coming then I'd find somewhere to rest and pass out. When the clinic nurse would check my temperature, it was normal. No fever. Just severe fatigue.

I'm no longer that as intense with working, but I still fight through those feelings without acting it too. It's a shame. As a kid and at my best, I hold a relaxed and humor filled pace in life that somehow certain people beaten up in me.

I'm glad we're both healing though. Both looking for what we want. Both acting on what we want, and taking care for ourselves.

I agree with San. That sounds like inspiration to me.

[Elphanigh]

Decimal,  thank you for validating these things.  I am always glad that it isn't just me. You are an inspiration too, it is great to see you going after what you want so early. Healing is tough but we are both doing it young. I think having you hear reminds me that it is possible to do it early in life. I question my ability to do so pretty frequently.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,

I didn't think about how old you might be, I often don't realise how old people are - but I do think it's great that you are tackling things whilst young, and I just wanted to send you a hug.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I for the first time a few weeks ago felt a crash coming and was able to prevent it. For the first time ever, I allowed myself the amount of self care it took to not completely crash. I didn't have to get to the scary spot where I couldn't barely keep going

I also think it's really commendable and alround great that you and DR are working on your past so much earlier than some of us on here. And that you Elpha are in the correct type of therapy too. (Don't know off-hand about you DR.) It gives me hope that some of you younger ones on here, or maybe even most of you, won't still be struggling big time decades to come.

[Elphanigh]

Hope, I am only aware of age because I am so young feeling sometimes. Most aupporr groups are full of people old enough to be my parents or older. I am not young persay, am 24. But I started with my first therapist when I was 19. It took me a long tjme for find the correct ome that could truly help though.

Blueberry, thank you. I am trying to have hope for us too. I want to jave a life where this is not something I will be dealing with as harshly in a decade. Getting to enjoy as much of life as I can. It does not always feel like it is possible. But I want that

[Elphanigh]

I got into some really awful thought processes and memories last night. I am still pretty stuck in those feelings right now.  Doesn't help their are strangers in my apartment just ensuring there are not bugs anywhere this morning.

I had a good friend of me ask myself why I was punishing myself, why was I beating myself up? Told me it sounded like I was doing what my parents did, and that since they weren't there to beat me up I was doing it instead. That struck a huge chord for me. Not just with my parents, as there were a lot of people that beat me up in the sense she was meaning. I got to the point where I didn't feel like I was worthy of all the help and resources I have. That because I chose poorly last night, that I wasn't living in such a way that made me deserving of the people that want to help me. Especially not the two people that were trying to help me last night.

I got scared which led to the memories of why being scared was bad, which are generally violent or very loud. I did call a friend and she helped some but I let her go promising to call my T and instead decided to try to numb. Enter in just feeling more dissociated and then awful for not being strong enough/ good enough/ wise enough. In my own words I needed to be better and don't deserve all the good I have. It was one heck of an emotional bottom.

*trigger warning* (foo issues, physical/sexual abuse)



I used to get in trouble for being scared or too nervous with my parents. They were ones that would loudly fight on a regular basis. My M is still a screamer and is great at tearing at someones weakest points, it is an awful talent. She reads people the way I do but she does not always use it for good. In the case of my childhood it was never good. I used to have my siblings hide in their room when fights happened and would kind of monitor, which often put me in the firing line. If I was scared and got noticed I got yelled at, and questioned as to why I was scared of them. That they were my parents, they loved me, that I had no reason to be afraid. That they had never hurt me.

However, at this point I had seen my dad punch holes in a door, seen my mom get so angry she raged at anyone in the area. I had been spanked so hard I couldn't sit down for hours... but yes I had no reason to be scared of them.. Even without the rest of the abuse in my life I had every right to be scared of them. I could not have been any older than 7 or 8 when this particular incident happened. It was not the only one of its sort but it is the one my head holds onto more specifically. Things that occured more than once often just have one major memory and then small bits of the others. I don't remember every single time similar things happened. My brain is not capable of holding so much.

I got punished for being scared my whole life, any time I was anxious, nervous, fearful, or afraid, it was like I was some sort of failure. That those emotions werent valid and I was overreacting. No matter what it was or how bad my anxiety was. My parents were not aware of most of my other abuse but they weren't blind to all of it. They only paid attention to the things that pleased them. So if it wasn't me doing well in school, or it didn't make them look good it wasn't okay. Having nightmares that cause panic attacks at like ten... good luck you're on your own. You shouldn't be feeling that way.. Having an anxiety attack because a boyfriend tried to go to far.. They assumed I asked for it and was pregnant and didn't want to admit it... they yelled at me for then not being able to push him away.. for not coming home and telling them that second so they could have just yelled at me sooner.. No I was not pregnant but my boyfriend had tried to go too far and I was scared.



Other people too did this. My fear was always met with more violence, rougher incidents of rape or physical abuse. These were the times I didn't want to survive.. or the times I wished that they left a mark in the wrong spot or one so big that no one could explain it away. Times I wished that someone would note the bump on my head or the bruises on my arms and not just let them be explained away as me being clumsy. Sadly both sides played each other... my parents played the nice angels, my other abusers played the caring people that tended to my injuries... when often those injuries were their fault.. No one cared enough to see the cycle... the symptoms I had of abuse were so many and no one cared to see them. They just yelled at me or punished me for them. 

[sanmagic7]

this is one place you can let your fears out and just plain old be scared and you will not get punished, berated, yelled at, judged or otherwise be abused for having normal feelings to abnormal happenings.  here you are loved, cared about, and accepted.  ems wraps you up to soothe and comfort you when you're scared.  strokes your hair, wipes your tears, holds on until the shaking stops and you feel your feet under you again.

i wish i could do more for you.  as it is, i'm there with you, always, encircling you with love, gentle and whole.

[Elphanigh]

That does so much to help me. Believe me when I say you help me more than I think you ever know. Reading all of that made me breathe a little deeper, I felt so many things. A deep sense of love and belonging, but also a sadness because I never had those things when I was younger. Little elpha deserved to have a spac like this earlier in her life... but now I can have it as an adult. That in itself is something I never imagined I would have. So thank you for being such a big piece of that    I am learning to express and live with these emotions, it is a huge difference for me. I cry more often than I thought was ever possible, and feel so much more intensely now that I am not constantly shutting them down.

Thank you for the beautiful ems image. I am so grateful to have her and you. It reminds me I will be okay. I feel more myself today, always a good sign when I manage to do spay makeup and something creative with my hair.

Sending d back all of that warm and gentle love my dear.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, I agree, Elpha. It's okay to be scared. Easier said than done to feel accepting on it, but it's alright. You're alright. Fear is part of and essential to being human. It's needed to signal us away from danger, and those with a lack of it can get themselves in all kinds of overly risky situations.

It's not as healthy as working for something positive to gain, but I've learned a lot from fear when it was not used to run away from dealing with my problems but run away from the unhealthy coping skills I had. To not want to be in danger again, and to run away into somewhere finally safe.

But it's alright to be stuck when you're afraid too. You'll still be loved, cared for and valued here. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Decimal, all that is really helpful. I wish I had more energy to respond properly tonight. To respond to the end of I talk though, I do feel stuck in my fear right now. I know that is being stuck in partially a younger version of myself and in the fact I was never allowed to feel all this stuff. I guess my subconscious mind has decided I am safe enough to feel all of it now. I did anger for a while, fear must be the next big one for a while

[Elphanigh]

I have been trying to decide how best to. Decompress from everything this weekend. I did finally get some peace and time off which was so desperately needed. I got to leave town with a friend of mine, and spend the weekend with her parents who live out kind of in the middle of no where. I did not have to do anything I didn't want to, didn't have to stress or work at all. It was a very nice two and a half days. This friend is on of my closest ones, and knows more about my past than most.  She is exactly what everyone should be towards trauma in my opinion, so it was good to go with her.


I found that the peace was triggering in its own way. I had never been somewhere that was so healthy, certainly not seen a family that was that healthy. It was peaceful, low pressure, and kind. People cared what I said and there was never a moment I could have truly done anything to anger people. My friend made sure to check on me and keep reminding me no one was going to get angry at me, and I didn't have to be on edge. She understood that the environment would present its own struggles for me. She was good about allowing me to have the realizations as I went. I realized how unhealthy my home was, seeing a good healthy family was brand new. The realization about how different my FOO is from that was huge.

I felt such grief when I go at back because there was so much I didn't need have. Little elpha deserved a home like that and didn't get it. She deserved a place where little things didn't cause angry explosions, wher experimenting and being herself was okay. I wish she had such a warm, kind place. One that no one ever even started to throw a punch, not even once. My friend and I talked a lot while I was there because it was a lot Tom take in for me. She told me no one had ever thrown a punch, not even at a wall. People got angry because they were human but there were never giant fights when she grew up, no one had to be scared ever. Her parents talked it through and figured it out without screaming matches and people storming out. It was like hearing about some sort of strange universe.

They are both super kind of me all weekend, teaching me to dye yarn, cut soap, showing me around town etc. Both of them made a point to get to know me, and what I liked, then include that in the plans. They cared to know my preferences and respected them. It was odd. They even sat down and helped me budget and looked at my finances for me. I never got taught as a kid and honestly have some things to fix there. They offered to help a while ago and I took them up on it. They were kind about it, I have never ever talked about finances without a guilt trip or some sort of screaming match.

There's a lot to process after the several days of violent memories, and then being immersed in that kind of environment. I think my emotions are just everywhere, and coming back to work today only to injure my hand did not help at all. I am sure there will be more righting but for now I just needed to get a general idea down. Start to process some of that, I will talk to my T tomorrow. I am sure it will be a very full session

[Blueberry]

That does sound a lot to process. But so glad you got to experience something so different in a positive way. ime it isn't always easy seeing how things could have been with healthier parents.