Rainy Journal 2022

[dollyvee]

Hi Rainy,

That sounds great that you have a new place and your cat has room to explore. Sometimes I find memories coming up from uni. I think maybe it was an important time for development when we left home and interacted with people with our "own" personalities for the first time. Trying to leave behind what I knew growing up and how I wanted the world to be. Not sure if it's relevant for you, so please discard if not.

Hope the housewarmimg is going well,
dolly

[Larry]

Hi Rainy,  congratulations on the new apartment !  I hope you enjoy being by the sea,  i feel like it is very theraputic.   

[rainydiary]

San, thank you - I think it is getting there slowly but surely.  I appreciate your support.
.....
Armee, I appreciate your perspective.  I am interested to see how this move works out too. 
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Dolly, I like your thought.  I hadn't thought of going to college in that way.  I think it was my first time of feeling stuck and not knowing why but also really putting myself out there.  I also am reminded that my memories aren't linear and that perhaps there are things releasing in my body that are bringing up the memories.
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Larry, thank you.  I am loving being by the sea as I also find it therapeutic.
.........
Today I started my new job.

Overall it went ok.  It was a weird first day.

One thing I am feeling bad about is I was in a training that included me, a new teacher, and the person training us.  I was a bit on edge during the meeting which had very little to do with the other people.

The morning was not well planned or well scheduled.  I felt like my time was not being respected and I met a few people who felt comfortable just sharing really strong opinions and thoughts with me. 

So by the time I got to this training, I was in need of a break.  The other new person had a ton of questions which the trainer couldn't and really shouldn't answer because it is outside the scope of his training. 

At one point, the other person apologized for asking a question and I took that as a sign I was giving off vibes that I was tired of his questions.  I felt bad that he felt that.  I tried to repair and say I appreciated his questions.  My issue wasn't with him but with the people training us.

The schools I will work at are on the military base near us.  Being on the base started to bring up some feelings.  Nothing in particular registered but I will need to move carefully.

Overall this was the least horrid I felt after starting a new job.  I am being hard on myself but nothing really happened that I need to protect myself from.  I hope to get some sleep tonight and prepare for another day.

[Armee]

I hope today feels a bit more comfortable, Rainy. Working with base schools given your history could be really difficult. You are really skilled at connecting with what kids are going through...for the kids you work with it may be a really great fit. Just take good care of yourself.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I am glad I am more aware than I have been in the past and yet it is always a bit unnerving to not know what is going to come up.
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This morning I felt really emotional and cried a bit. 

Today I went to the other school I will work at.  It is definitely going to challenge me.

I can already see unhealthy dynamics present.  People do not seem happy walking into the building.  I had some odd interactions today.  I hope to be mindful moving forward.

I do get my own office space which I think will help some. 

I am really looking forward to Saturday when a couch will arrive.  I do have worry about that as the movers will likely need to use an elevator.  There is a service elevator that can be reserved....but I don't know when the movers are coming.  I just hope it goes smooth.

[Bach]

[sanmagic7]

i hope it all goes smoothly for you, too, rainy, at both home and work.  interesting that you've already been able to spot a sense of unhappiness about the people at the school.  i'm glad you're going to be mindful.  i've been sucked into some seemingly innocuous dynamics at times when i haven't thought the entire situation thru.  and good luck with the couch.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I had some trouble accessing the site the past several days but found my way back.  This is a post I wrote the day my access stopped (Thursday):

Thank you Bach.   
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San, I appreciate your support. 
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Today I received an unexpected trigger at work today which I didn't deal with in the moment.

I can feel myself becoming emotional and allowing myself to have the feelings I didn't feel like I could have at work.

A colleague passed along the names of students that I will begin seeing as my caseload.  Today I went through the files to get oriented so that I can start my work.

****TW: mention of suicide

I get to one name and notice that the last name is almost the same as my married last name.  It looks so close.  Then I notice that the student's first name is the same as my brother in law who died by suicide.

I could feel my brain slowly make this connection that I was looking at my deceased BIL's name.  It really landed hard for me.  My mind started racing and I began to wonder why this happened.

I am so surprised at this today and how sad it made me feel.  The event itself was terrible and the aftermath and pain it brought me in my marriage is something I am still dealing with.
*****End TW

I had odd dreams last night where I was hugged and carried.  It was welcome and yet I woke up feeling disoriented and lonely.   I began to fear that my husband won't actually make it to me.

I still have so many questions about our relationship.  I am trying to understand how my growth and healing has changed how I approach everything including our relationship.  I don't understand what has changed and I am always afraid that he will leave.

I am so uncomfortable today.  I am doing my best and yet it feels like I am walking a thin line. 

[rainydiary]

I had a bit more trouble accessing the site after I posted, but I think I have found a solution.

I wanted to share some updates:

I am really acknowledging to myself that I am approaching the time where I need to stop the career I am doing.  I will find a way to work with youth but I am not as willing to participate in the broken systems that constantly trigger and activate my trauma. 

I am ok for now.  I continue to notice ways that the school I am at for 4 days a week is triggering me.  One of my colleagues is especially activating me and I realized that her reaction to things I say or ask (which is more about her than me) is setting my 4F response into action. 

I feel some relief in acknowledging this myself.  And having a vision to work toward of finding something that doesn't make me so miserable.

I received my couch and the mover process was fine.  They came very early and I felt bad that they were a bit noisy.  Apartment life is very different than living in a house of my own.

Today there was a group of people protesting outside my apartment building.  Their cause is not one I agree with and I was really activated by them being there as they were loud.  At the time they were doing this my mom texts me a ton of invasive questions which I provided information that I was willing to share.  She got annoyed with my responses and sent me a passive aggressive response to "end" the conversation.  It really upset me.

Today I heard music in a place I stopped in to get lunch that really pulled up emotions.  One was joy because the song was catchy and several people in the restaurant were dancing to it.  I had the thought that I'm not having fun.  The next song brought me to tears. 

I hope to sleep a bit better tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

dang, rainy, what a wide range of emotions and situations to deal with in such a short time.  i hope you can be gentle with yourself as you sort thru everything - including that big realization about your job.  huge.  sending love and a hug full of support.

[Armee]

Rainy,

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. That's a huge realization and important.

[rainydiary]

San, I am surprised by all of this that is coming up.  I am slowly getting back to routines that help me feel more anchored. 
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Armee, I appreciate this reflection.
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I slept more comfortably last night than I have for about a week.  Having a couch has really bumped up my quality of life.  My husband will be on his way here in a week which will also be good.

I wanted to expand on my thought that my time in my current career being close to an end.

I have been realizing that I came to this career for a reason which was to help lead me to understanding and beginning healing from my trauma.  I'm noticing that often the way I approach my work can be more about me than others. 

What I am also realizing is that it is not possible for this work to not trigger me.  I have better and worse days but I am generally doing all I can to hold it together.  Accommodations wouldn't help. 

I have come a long way and am doing better generally.  And yet I also think that I will not continue healing if I continue putting myself in situations where it is almost guaranteed my 4F response will be activated. 

I feel stress because I know that my parents will not understand this.  I'm not sure why I am worrying about this right now - I plan to keep my job for the duration of our lease in our apartment. 

I tried sharing this with a friend and she got kind of "momish" with me which upset me.  She was asking me if I am making friends.  I did not need that question.  I do my best with social relationships but that is a difficult aspect for me too. 

This week I hope to start running again.  I've been trying to get back to yoga too as my body has greatly tightened up over the past several weeks.  I am doing the best I can and trying to be caring to myself. 

[paul72]

Hi Rainy
Thank you for sharing...
Sending love and support and best wishes for your day today!

[rainydiary]

Phil, I appreciate your support. 
..........

I made it through work today.  The main person that really stresses me out wasn't there today.  I think Mondays in general may be more low key because they don't work there on Mondays.

Tomorrow I go to the other school I will work at.  I am hoping to run before work tomorrow.  It is difficult for me to run after work especially now that I have a longer commute than I've had for a while. 

I am feeling really drained.  I signed up for a yoga class that I can join online.  I am stressed because I worry it will throw off my sleep and evening routine.  But I figured I would at least try it.

I am really feeling like I cannot connect with other people of late.  I think I do connect at work but I don't talk to anyone really after work.  I don't actually have a problem with this but I feel judged by other people.  I need so much downtime and recharge time which is why this is what I do. 

[Armee]

It can really hurt when people expect us to be different than we are. But so many of us need lots of time to recharge and you have a lot of wisdom and strength to prioritize listening to what you need.