Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

You can definitely say that, and it is a good reminder. I did get to express a lot of anger through that thirteen year old last night. Even to the extent I could admit that part of me wishes that one of my abusers was dead or would just pop out of existence. That is big for me to say and express. She is angry, I won't deny that nor do I feel like I need to hide that as much. She just isn't the type of rageful that my FOO is. It is a different anger one that is based in hurt and protective instincts, not one built around hate and pure darkness. If that makes sense, she may feel rage but she isn't rageful. Which I know is an odd distinction but one that is important to me.

It is mildly pedantic probably, and is my logical philosophy and lit side coming out in my own healing. I spent a lot of my life around rageful people and suffered a lot at their hands. Their rage never ceased and was just a part of who they were as people. For younger me, and adult me, when I am angry or feel rage it isn't a part of who I am but is an emotion to be processed. Like I feel the rage and need to express it, but it will eventually pass and it isn't part of me innate self to the extent it was with these people. It just feels like there is a difference, and I am not coming up with a better way to express how that difference appears to me.

[Elphanigh]

I feel steady and strong today. It took lots of yoga and active processing of difficult memories/feelings. I don't feel like I have numbed to create this sense of calm and okayness, I feel like I used the skills and resources I have to create a sense of safety that is genuine.

Now that I have that I am back to work on my project for the cptsd foundation. I got to see the new webpage lay out that will launch this week I believe, and got access to some admin stuff. It is really exciting and very real now. I am working on reading a book for it called "The Journey through trauma" I definitely recommend it for everyone. I have been through a lot of what she is describing but it is giving me insights into those parts of my trauma journey. It is an easy and accessible read I think.

As far as my memories of my uncle. I don't like them but they aren't taking over anymore. I have seen them, accepted they exist and that they hurt. They are sitting in my box of things to process along with other things left undone. I can live with that at this moment. Finding that I am getting better at taking these things in chunks. Patience is something I needed to learn and it seems that I am getting closer to truly having that skill.

Just wanted to check in here and remind myself anytime I read back through here that after storms like the last few weeks there tends to be a lot of progress and a sense of peace/safety again.

[Elphanigh]

After writing a letter to Dv yesterday, I feel oddly at peace. Like I got the words out and things are okay now. I am not sure if that is me over functioning, or blocking things out, but I don't think it is. I just feel a sense of peace about it much like I have been working to cultivate with my emdr safe place. That feels like progress, hopefully it actually is.

I have been feeling physically ill for three or four days, with a ear infection like thing that has now turned migraine like thing... not really sure why or how just hoping it passes soon. I am still waiting on my insurance information from the new job so I really can't see anyone for this until I have it.

Group is also going well now. I am starting to feel comfortable with the women in group, although not fully revealed anything major yet but slowly am beginning to trust. I did allow myself to share that one of my abusers now has a kid last week, which was a big leap of faith for me. They know I have ptsd but I haven't really shared why yet. We are doing mostly early trauma so unless I specifically want to process something about some of my later stuff, which may happen, it likely won't come up specifically for a little while at least. Next week it is likely my week to share what I drew on my timeline for family background stuff. I am not sure how that will go as I have memories of everyone on there unlike a lot of the group that didn't grow up knowing the people. I have a young family which is both a blessing and a curse sometimes. Either way I kind of look forward to slowly sharing more about myself but in a way that isn't confessing my worst nightmares and such.

[sanmagic7]

sounds like you're moving forward beautifully, dearest el.  am so happy to see all this progress for you, how the load you've been carrying continues to lighten for you.  am very glad the group experience is becoming more comfy, too.  keep up the good work.  with you all the way, always.  much love and hugs.

[Elphanigh]

San, I don't know if beautifully is a word I would describe is as. It feels messy and turbulent for sure, but maybe there is beauty in that. Thank you for all the well wishes. Love and hugs 

[Hope67]

Hi Elphanigh,
Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' - and send you a 'hug'  - I hope your ear infection clears up soon, and that you feel better.  Glad to hear that your group is going well.  You mentioned that maybe there is beauty in something that feels messy and turbulent (and apologies if I'm taking that out of context), but it made me think of a 'storm' for some reason, and the fact that they can be 'enjoyable' despite the wind and rain and turbulence....  Wishing you well, and also sending you love and hugs, if that's ok.    I know I'm repeating myself now, so I think I'll pop off and have a cup of tea...
Hope :-)

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Hope. I adore that you come over to say hi from time to time  My ear infection is starting to improve today, I don't notice as much of my vertigo being a problem which is a great sign.  I think your storm metaphor is perfect, it is kind of what I envisioned when I wrote that response to San. Hope you enjoyed that cup of tea.



On another note, I am refusing to be a caretaker for my adult roommate. Caretaking was an old habit of mine, because as a kid everything was my responsibility. I helped raise my siblings, cared for my parents, and ensured the house stayed functional. It was a job I took on because my survival depended on it.  However it is something I am finding I no longer have the energy or desire to do. I am not in that survival mode because I no longer need to be. So having my roommate feel like a small child sometimes and be so frequently nonfunctional is really challenging for me. It is also triggering to an extent because it brings up loads of feelings and frustrations that I know don't all belong pointed at her.. she is just the current symbol of those frustrations and resentment. I didn't get to be a kid, not only because the abuse I was enduring, but also because I had to step up an be an adult in my house. I had to be a caretaker and I was great at it... but it isn't my job anymore and I don't want it to be.

I am much more selfish with my time (not in a screw you people kind of way). I take my time and energy as valuable resources now, and recognize I deserve to dedicate my energy to things that I love and have passion for. I choose to devote time to my healing, to my yoga practice, and currently a lot to the volunteering I am doing to help other survivors. I am focusing time an energy on being the light for others because that is what I am driven to do. At this point it is in small ways, but I am slowly beginning to realize that what I want is to help survivors and kids in that situation. I want to be what I needed back then, and what I still need now. I have always been driven to help others and be a sort of light in the dark for anyone that needed it, but now I get to choose how to do that. It is great to recognize that it is what I want. All that to say, I have to be selfish with my time and energy to do that. It can't be used taking care of my adult roommate who is capable but not wanting to be.

I got sent a picture by a friend of mine it said "Be a light for those who have lost the will to burn" E. Tindale. That spoke to me and really confirmed where my path has been leading me.

Lots of realizations and uncertainties but I am getting a clearer idea of what I really want to be doing. I am not exactly certain whether this means going to school for psych, or if that means taking my yoga and developing it into trauma informed care so people have a space to use it as such, or it could mean both. It could also mean truly developing my work with the foundation and branching that off onto great things. I am not sure where this goes exactly but I am finally listening to my heart and what feels right in my soul.

[Elphanigh]

Coming back to write some more on this as it is kind of swirling around and forming still. I realize that everything I have ever wanted and planned to do with my life was always framed around helping others. When it was music I wanted to be an inspiration to kids like me, and to show how much music can help the world by giving us a common human experience. With philosophy it was ensuring that I could help shape the minds of the next generation of thinkers, to inspire them to do something better for this world. To give what my professors often gave to me. Both admirable things. Going farther back, as a kid I wanted to be the first singer, president in space. I wanted to get to explore but I also had all these ideas as how as president I would make sure everyone got books and school, and how I would make sure we cured sickness etc. I was a peace maker and a healer at heart, I always have been and that isn't a bad thing provided it isn't also at my own detriment. I have come to know that being a healer is okay and good, and that there is a balance I can learn to strike in my life. Also that I can't give to others if I am also not caring for myself. That is a giant thing for me to have learned, and why I am working so hard to heal.

It is just different for me to recognize the root of things I have planned for my life was always to help others. That I have always planned on healing and helping in some way shape or fashion, even if it wasn't going into a field that was necessarily a helping profession. Some part of me is a healer and I resented it for a time to be honest. But I don't want to resent that part of me. I want to embrace it. I want to embrace the fact I want to do good for the world, even if that is a person here or there. That may mean I am starting at square one and figuring out exactly what that means for myself but for once, I am okay with that. I am okay with not knowing exactly where that will take me. I want to form a plan but that will take some time. Everything this year has been leading me in some new directions and I am glad I allowed myself the time to see the new directions.

I thought I would never be healed enough, or that I would never be able to separate from my own pain enough to heal anyone else. I imagined that hearing others' stories would always be triggering and painful, but that isn't the case at all. Sometimes I will read or hear something that reminds me of my own trauma so it hurts but it is rarely too much. I imagine that will only continue to get better with the more healing I do. I realize though that I don't have to be perfectly healed to help others. I need to be stable to be that but I am getting to stable and getting to a place I understand my own trauma enough that I can actually start to help other people with theirs.. I have some faith that I could go ahead and work on schooling or training of some sort to more fully help others. That I would be enough for that, because for once I see that I am enough. That my heart, drive, and experience could be enough. That maybe my own trauma experience could at least help someone through theirs or help people get out of theirs sooner.

This has been quite the ramble, and I appreciate it if you managed to read it. I really do just use this space a a journal for thoughts I can come back a reread and to work things through. Sometimes seeing it in writing makes a world of difference.

[Deep Blue]

Elpha,
Just thought I'd tell you that you speak to my heart in these posts.  That is exactly why I became a teacher.  I like the idea of you being a light for others.

I suppose I don't consider myself a light for others.  I think of myself more as a guide that helps them make choices that are best for them. 
Both helping in our own ways
take care

[Elphanigh]

Deep blue,

I am glad these spoke to you. The way you talked about teaching has always struck me as such. I am glad you can be the guide, I have a few of those in my life right now and they are some of the greatest, most amazing people I know. I am not sure if I will consider myself a light or more of a guide depending on how I decide to proceed, but light has always fit. Especially with the way you and other people have always described me. Something about it fits at least for now.

Thank you dear for always encouraging me 

[sanmagic7]

I am much more selfish with my time (not in a screw you people kind of way). I take my time and energy as valuable resources now, and recognize I deserve to dedicate my energy to things that I love and have passion for. I choose to devote time to my healing, to my yoga practice, and currently a lot to the volunteering I am doing to help other survivors. I am focusing time an energy on being the light for others because that is what I am driven to do. At this point it is in small ways, but I am slowly beginning to realize that what I want is to help survivors and kids in that situation. I want to be what I needed back then, and what I still need now. I have always been driven to help others and be a sort of light in the dark for anyone that needed it, but now I get to choose how to do that. It is great to recognize that it is what I want. All that to say, I have to be selfish with my time and energy to do that. It can't be used taking care of my adult roommate who is capable but not wanting to be.

herein lies the beauty, sweetie.  while the turbulence swirls around you, the beauty of your personal insights, passions, and light glow brighter every day.  you are amazing and a wonder to behold.  thank you for being you.  love and hugs always.

[Elphanigh]

My dear, I am not sure why but the kind words bring tears to my eyes today. Thank you for being such a kind loving soul.  My other reaction is always one to minimize, because I would never see so much in myself, certainly not a wonder, but I am learning to recognize that reaction and remember it isn't always right.

Rereading that particular paragraph of my writing was really helpful, thank you for pull that one. It feels certain and excited.Very much the beauty in the storm at the moment. I am excited to see what this realization does. I am tempted to look at grad programs for psychology, and continue to look into my yoga teacher training so I can still really develop that practice. Maybe one day getting to teach trauma informed yoga as well, and use it for my own personal journey. I am again not sure but we will see. I start leading the Trauma informed book club on the 3rd of November so that is the next step (I am still kind of prepping for this, and honestly so nervous to be a voice for these authors and to share my insights with others) Hopefully that going well will instill some confidence to look at the possibility of delving deeper into a healing profession. I also think I want to talk to my T about it, she is a resource that I would be silly not to utilize at this point. I don't want it to take a whole session but I want to ask her a few things.

Anyways, I am just rambling as my brain is finally catching up with everything from this week

[Elphanigh]

I have been doing some looking and soul searching last night into today. I really do think I want to get into the mental health field. There are about a million different degree options for that. There is also always the advocacy route but that isn't the one that calls me. I will advocate and give my time to organizations that do that, but I am not the poster person type. I will share my story and my time with those type of people because they deserve all the support they can get, but I know in my heart that is not me.

However, something that is me is caring for others and bearing witness to the truth of other people. I do truly believe that everyone deserves the chance to heal, and even more deserves the chance to be safe in the first place. If I can help anyone in that way I will have done something right. I do truly think I want to pursue this as a career. I am not sure what I want to do schooling wise as much as I am growing sure of the outcome that I want. So I will make the schooling fit the end goal. I feel like I have learned (and am constantly improving) my boundaries to an extent I would be okay personally in that field. I also just feel like it would be a fulfilling life for me. Anytime I know that I have helped someone I light up and I get the energy to do even more. It is a natural drive for me. As a trauma survivor myself I could immediately go in having more experience and knowledge from a lived perspective that might help people with CPTSD and other trauma based issues. I could make an impact and use my own experiences for good. It will never make them okay, but it will mean I can put them to good use. I could learn to be a voice for change and help the field in my own little way.

I worry about the path change, and degree change but I have heart and love for this community which I would like to think will be enough. I am still young and have years ahead of me to make a difference and hopefully help cause some change, even if in just one persons life. I have already asked a friend of mine who has her Master's in psych to meet up so we can chat over coffee about the differences in pathways towards this. I want to make sure I pick the most effective route towards focusing on trauma therapy methods and a route that will allow me to develop into being the change I would love to see.

I get really excited about this prospect and I have so many thoughts about what I would do, and how I could help etc. It is a great kind of giddy feeling if this makes sense. I will still go do my yoga teacher training for my own practice, as it is more an in depth focus on the practice than it is truly a teaching practicum. That and having the option to do trauma focused yoga is also great. Anyways lots of thoughts and possibilities in this.


Random note, E messaged me on facebook and also sent me a friend request. Neither thing triggered me nor did I answer or open the message. She has never brought anything good for me and I will not let that negativity back into my life. I refuse to, and I get to make the choice whether she is allowed in so here we are. I feel stronger knowing that I can ignore and say no in my own way. NC with her is for the best.

I do have to see my Foo in 18 days, as I am traveling to see my Brother graduate from basic training. I am excited for him and to see my S and niece but not so excited to deal with the drama that always comes with being near my parents. It will be okay but goodness. I am also not going home for Christmas for the first time in my life, haven't broken that to them yet so I am going to try not to break it to them then. Again, me making my own adult decisions but avoiding conflict on a trip that needs to be free of it is wiser.

Lots of random thoughts and processing in this post, thanks for reading.

[Three Roses]

I am also not going home for Christmas for the first time in my life, haven't broken that to them yet so I am going to try not to break it to them then. Again, me making my own adult decisions but avoiding conflict on a trip that needs to be free of it is wiser.

Good job! 

[sanmagic7]

darling el, i don't have enough words for the jumble of thoughts this post brought to my mind.  all of them, tho, are excited for you on many different levels.  each event you spoke about showed, again, the progress you have made from where you were a year ago.  incredible stuff, sweetie.  truly incredible.

i am so jazzed for you, i could  just burst!   

the difficult work you've done, the courage, determination, and undaunting persistence you have shown to get to where you are now is tremendous.   and the idea that you want to turn all those negatives in your life into positives for others, well, if that isn't the best any of us can do, i don't know what is.

thank you for being you, for shining your light here and everywhere.  stick with that idea of helping 'one' person.  in the helping fields, that is what we have to hang onto.  we can't help them all, unfortunately, but if we help one, we have made an indelible mark on the world for the better.  and that is always enough.

just to let you know, your postings, like those of everyone else on this forum, have already helped someone.  this is a helping community, and everyone here has done their share of helping someone.  we've all already done in our own capacity what so many trained/certified/licensed professionals have failed at doing. 

you are a blessing to the world, and i'm glad to be in it with you.  love and hugs always.