Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

You had always struck me as a gryffindor    That particular passage had always pulled to me, although for different reasons. There is a lot to glean from it. I also always got pulled in to the idea of the Mirror of Erised. Wonderful what I might see, probably good I will never know.

Thank you for seeing all the progress in me, I am truly glad I waited and spent the year on myself. Healing has been a tough but amazing journey. I want to ensure I don't lose that progress. It is something I will talk to my T about.

Today though I will be on the porch. I got triggered into.p a flashback in restorative yoga last night. I remembered some repressed stuff and it knocked me back a bit, just a lot to take in. I am rest at home, until my session this evening.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Elphanigh]

   

Thank you dear, I need that. I am at work today but my mind is on the porch with ems. Just going to curl up in a warm blanket and allow myself to try to rest knowing that ems will keep all parts of me safe. I brought what is essentially being called "Elpha's survival kit" to work today. Has a few different types of tea (both caffeinated and decaf), honey, some crackers, a stuffed lion, and my blanket in case the office is freezing again.

Last nights session was truly a lot but at the same time it was good. We processed the new memory that was coming up, which with flash went pretty well. Then I got thrown a curve ball. I had  the level of intensity super far down and stable, my T asked if it was safe to share anything about the image so she could keep track of what we were processing. It felt safe enough to tell her a little bit of it, enough she could certainly fill in the blanks. I normally at this point don't get re triggered because the processing has made it neutral enough I can kind of talk about it. That was not the case. Through a bit more processing we realized it is a different ego state than we had been paying attention to. One that I had not even recognized was there until last night.. she is about 2 or 3 and doesn't have a lot of words because of it.

The image i get for this memory is of when I am really small, smaller than any of my other memories, which I had chalked up to me changing it because of fear... that doesn't seem to be the case now. As far as we can tell this probably happened when I was that two or three years old... That I completely dissociated because it was something I could not hold in my brain and still be okay. I was so little I didn't have the words or even emotions really to process what happened to me that night. It does also kind of confirm my gut feeling that it was my uncle as well.

All this to say, the little version of me is really hard to connect to and just really small and scared.. that leaves adult me trying to deal with her and trying to put the pieces together for myself too. I don't want to think that my more physical abuse started before I was five of six (which has been what I have known and believed all my life) this would mean that it started well before that... that there could be more memories like the one I am currently attempting to wrap my head around.

It feels like a major shift, although realistically what is a few more years of this junk in a less concentrated form? Surely with everything I have been through adding a couple more memories and another couple years of it to my narrative isn't that huge.. but it feels giant. I told my T that I thought it was my Uncle.. but that adult me can't even admit that as truth. I can say I think, or I feel, but I can't claim it as true. Just as I can't say that I was two yet, I can say it seems like that is what happened.. and best we can tell... but I can't accept it as truth.

I have accepted a lot of things in my journey, things I never thought possible to accept, including the whole concept of ego states in the first place. Also just a lot about my own journey and my own memories.. that I knew but couldn't accept. This one though is throwing me for a loop.. I don't want to think things started that early.. I don't want to have to think my uncle was truly awful to me.. I know he was when I was older (like 11 or so) but that is somehow so much more permissible that this.



On a much more positive note, my T did tell me that she would feel comfortable saying I would be ready for graduate school next September. That She did truly believe the amount of work we can get done in the next like 10 months would be more than enough to make that possible. That of course I would need to keep healing, and if I moved "we" would need to find another therapist that would work with me in a similar enough way. She seemed very willing to help me go through the process of finding someone and kind of helping me train that person in what I need in this process. Because I will likely need to move for school. She did also say she would miss me, which was sweet. She has grown to genuinely care I think, without breaking the boundaries that we need to have.

I was speaking about my hesitation, because of this new thing coming up.. because every time I am feeling stable and good enough to move forward something new pops up. I get some new wave of healing that needs done, and I worry that I am leaving this phase a bit to early. Because I can dedicate so much time and energy to it. So hearing from her that she would feel comfortable with me going, and thinks I would do well, is reassuring. She did also recognize why I wouldn't feel that way, and why I am hesitating as legitimate. She then also pulled out some logical things for me to tangibly hold on to. reminding me how much I have done in just the last six months, and how healing does tend to become exponential once that foundation is there so we will do even more than what has already been done in that six months. So imagine how far I can come.. as well as outlining why we are doing the early trauma work, to build a foundation that will likely make it easier to process everything else that sits on top of it.

I also worried that I would risk becoming unhealthy again, that I didn't ever want to go back there. That leaving this part of my journey could set me on a path to that.. I don't want to be the person I was in or right after my undergrad... I don't want to be that version of me. My T chimed in telling me she didn't think I could go back that far after all the healing I have done.. Which I think is true. I am more self aware and I know what it is to feel healthy and have so many more skills. That I probably could never go back to that person. Which again is reassuring to me.

All logical points, and also emotionally correct points. It helps me move forward even when I feel like finding another piece of the puzzle is a setback.

I also know that is not the case either. It is a huge step forward to be getting those memories, and the chance to integrate that part of me into the whole like everything else. It just feels stressful and unknown, but that isn't a setback even if it feels like it. One more chance to become more aware.

Anyways, I have rambled... There will likely be more at some point as I try to wrap my head around new truths

[sanmagic7]

darling el, if it feels huge, it IS huge,  from reading about it, i also see it as huge - tremendously so.  when we have pre-verbal/pre-logic trauma, the inability to express our feelings and perspective on what happened, it is like a brick wall was erected (to my point of view).  we can't even begin to breach that wall till much of what came after has been recognized and accepted.

now a few of the bricks have been removed and you've had a glimpse.  the horrors behind that wall can definitely be too much to look at, let alone accept.  take your time, sweetie.  you do have time and i believe this timing is exactly right for you.  like your t said, the progress is exponential with healing - altho you'd been traumatized for over 20 yrs., it will not take 20 yrs. to recover and heal from it.

i love that your t said 'we' will get you set up.  i'm sure she has connections in the trauma/emdr community and will be with you when you decide where you will be for school and help you make the transition to a new t.   that is wonderful.

in the meantime, may i suggest you stay in the present as much as possible with your healing.  fearing for the future could hang you up a bit.  what you've accomplished, what you know now, what you've learned about how to take care of you will keep you from falling back to old ways.

that's not to say there might not be a slip or two in the future, but you'll be able to recognize it for what it is and rectify it quickly.  to me, recovery is like learning to drive stick shift.  we need directions, we need guidance, and then we need practice.  eventually, getting our hands and feet coordinated becomes pretty much a non-thinking, muscle/mind memory thing.

sure, sometimes we'll grind the gears or roll backwards on a hill, but we know enough to stop, assess the situation, and make the necessary adjustments.  it becomes easier with time.  as does recovery.  you have enough time, i have no doubt.

and look at you!  you remembered ems today on your own!  an example of how this all works.  you're on your way, you bright, beautiful, talented woman.   sometimes i don't think we realize what steps we've taken, and how far we've come.  i'm on the porch with you today.  gotta take some time off and just sit, watch, listen.  i'd love your company.  i love you.

[Elphanigh]

I appreciate you validating this as huge, San. I was minimizing without recognizing it.. it helps is be more manageable but it won't help it heal to minimize. So here I am again trying to deal with it being a big deal. I think your brick wall analogy speaks to this feeling really well. Part of me really wishes I could put the bricks back, but I know that isn't an option. So I will slowly work on that wall, for now that means working on accepting that things exist behind it at all. Accepting that the wall is there will be a lot for the moment. It brings up so much and feels like it changes so much of my own narrative. I have been so certain of the general timeline of events all of my life. I have never not had a structure of my memories and such. I have had things I couldn't place and had some repressed memories, but never things that were outside of what I already had grown to expect were there. This is completely out of my box of understanding. I knew about some verbal abuse and then birth traumas, like I was traumatized when I was  preverbal but I had not imagined in this way. Something about this feels like it changes so much and adult me has not figured out how to handle that yet.

I find that the fully functioning adult part of me needs this to fit neatly into the things I know, and the ways I understand my very chaotic and abuse filled life to have gone. I used put my abuse into a neat little box that was all of 6 years long, which through a lot of work and changes to my understanding of what abuse looked like got extend to like 10 years, now up to 21 ish. which for me is basically a life time. It has come a long ways.. all that to say, I know that my mind will eventually accept this too, it is just a lot to take in.

I love that my T said 'we' as well. It was really good to hear, because she did truly sound like she would help me find someone that would be a good fit for me. She isn't just going to leave it to me to do the guess work etc. She does have a lot of contacts in various places etc, so that should help.

I will try to stay in the present and stop worrying about the future, it does tend to affect how much I can work on the current issues if my mind is off wandering too far ahead. You are right, I have learned a lot and I can have some faith in those abilities.

I do drive a stick shift so that metaphor fits perfectly 

I did remember her, I was proud of that a bit. Thank you for recognizing it! I am glad to be sitting with you today, thank you for such wonderful company. Love you my dear 

[Elphanigh]

I started to feel everyrhing last night after group, and goodness it is still too much. Between the grief for my M and then the new memories that change a lot of my narrative early on, the feelings are more intense.

I also know adult me was fighting them because I felt as if when I feel all that is coming I would fall apart and maybe not get up this time. I have felt this with other major shifts so it makes sense to feel the same way. But fighting it now, meant leaving younger me to fend for herself because I couldn't handle her. Honestly even this morning I still can't. Her truths scare me too much. It takes a lot to scare me but she has done it.

I know I will need to feel these feels but I don't know that I am ready to, not without the help of my T at first at least I think. It will happen, I know it will, I am just not prepared for all the hurt this has been brining.

[Elphanigh]

I am beginning to recognize that little elpha needs me to pay attention and care for her. I knew that already but because her truths are terrifying for adult me I couldn't handle being with that little one.. or trying to connect with her. It isn't fair to her for me to blame her for everything that is coming up with her appearance. Those memories aren't her fault, and never have been. So trying to leave her by herself or somewhere with someone else until I can deal with her is only going to make her more distressed. I need to find a way to slowly connect to her,  in a way that adult me doesn't also just resent her. I think recognizing I was treating her like it was her fault unintentionally probably will help with that. I needed to find some kindness instead of running away from her truths. I didn't intend to neglect or be mean to that younger part of me. but by running and denying those truths that is what I did last night. So slowly i will work to be okay with her existing and being there. I can't handle her truths yet but her I can work on. She is small and kind, and just needing of love like anyone else.

Ego state work still blows my mind sometimes, but because it has worked wonders for me I need to trust in the process. So here goes nothing. I will be on the porch today doing what I can to connect. Then probably go to yoga and invite her along, because movement can be freeing for her. I think she would love my bright colored yoga mat and the beautiful spirit of the yoga instructor I normally take classes from.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Elpha,
This really rings true for me.  My younger little I don't blame very much.  It's my teenage little that causes me problems.

I still carry blame for my teenage years and it is a BIG part of why I consider myself unloveable.  I think it's a process for sure.  Kudos to you for recognizing and now trying to do something about it.  Sending you strength.

Maybe we can trade huh? I'll take your little and you can hang with teenage me??? Ugh... I wish that could really happen.  Take care sweetie

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue,

I am glad this rings true for you. I have made peace with some younger parts of me, but not quite that young yet. She is new to me, and harder for me to handle. I would gladly sit with teenage you today. I have made peace with my teenage self and can handle older kids quite well. We will have a lot of fun together, believe it or not.

My little one would love to sit with you, she is like 2 or 3 so small but very inquisitive and would adore the very wonderful spirit I know you do be. It can't happen completely but I think us both envisioning it is completely okay today. We know the other parts of us are in good hands in that way.

You will come to make peace with her one day, just as I will learn to connect to that younger self as well. I have faith. Thank you for the extra strength, I really needed that today. Sending some right back to you 

[Deep Blue]

My son is 4 but his age 2-3 is still fresh in my memory.  What does she enjoy doing?  My son loves music (I bet he's similar to you in this). We love singing songs together and playing "band" with our microphone toy, and guitar toys.  We still enjoy reading together as well.  Would your little like that you think?

My son loved reading goodnight moon over and over at that age.  Any favorite books for her? 

I like the idea of picturing us sort of reparenting our littles together. 

[Elphanigh]

That is wonderful,  my little does love singing anything as well as reading. Her favorite was "the hungry Caterpillar". She loved the colors aand helping follow along.

What does teenage you like to do?

I love picturing it this way ❤

[Deep Blue]

If I'm being honest,
Teenage me had it pretty rough.  She probably just wanted someone to care or notice her. 

She likes movies, but nothing violent or scary.  She likes painting and cooking as outlets.  I suspect she would have liked yoga but no one ever taught her. More than anything she just wants to be understood.

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, I will gladly sit with her and listen to anything she needs to say. I have a knack with teenagers that just need understanding and love. She sounds familiar. She can talk about anything she wants, and I will listen and make sure she knows I understand and hear here. We can then do a bit of something relaxing when she is ready. I can even teach her small bits of yoga if she is up for it. I am a very patient teacher and love to make it fun, but whatever she feels like doing we will. I promise she is heard and understood. 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Elpha 
The strange thing is I work with teenagers all day and I still don't connect with my teenage little 

How does she feel about baking?  I was thinking we could make some sugar cookies together.  I have all sorts of cookie cutters and sprinkles and icing that she can choose from.  The messier it is the more fun! We can make a hungry caterpillar out of cookies too! She gets to pick the icing colors of course. 

Thanks for sitting with my little too.  She feels safe with you and she doesn't feel safe very often.  Thanks for letting her just hang.  I know she doesn't talk much, but if someone can get her to open up, I'm sure it's you. Thanks 

[Elphanigh]

Anytime Deep Blue, I am glad to help in anyway I can. It is okay she is quiet, she has many reasons to be. I am sure over time she would open up to me, most people always do, even teenagers. It has always just kind of happened. I am happy to sit with her quietly though just being there for her as she needs me. We can turn on a movie and make some snacks to eat.

As far as baking, my little would love that. She is still really small so probably messy but would love every second of it. She loves bright colors and lots of sparkles and is great at hands on crafts. Super creative and always a big helper.

Thank you for helping her feel safe and happy. It is the first time I have gotten to envision her happy, knowing she is in such safe hands. It is different to see her that way, she looks more like the little kid she should be. It means the world that you are helping her  (and me) like this.