Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

I find that I am still pretty emotionally strained after yesterday. It was really hard on my anxiety, and unite emotionally triggering for me to have my dad in surgery for so long. I know he was not always a "good enough" parent but he was mine, and has become better with age. It is hard to worry about him, we lost my grandfather to this when I was a teenager so I struggled even though I didn't want to admit it. I was strong and encouraging to my family as I always am...

I know that isn't my job anymore but it is a force of habit. It was never truly my job to take care of everyone, but they made it my job so I took it. It was me who cared for people when they were sick, when they were fighting, etc.. I protected them, and healed them. I am well versed in taking care of people because of it. Often doing it to my own detriment ( I have mostly stopped that habit) .

Anyways, yesterday triggered that part of me. Being so far away from my family is healthy normally, but it is hard on days like yesterday. My every instinct reached out to care for anyone that I could. I know it isn't my responsiblity but it is a part of me that gets triggered every time. I had an inner dialogue going that sai did I should be there, what if something happens and I am not there, who will take care of them? As if I have to be the super hero when things go wrong...

it is an old voice from a little girl who thought taking care of everyone was all I could do. It was from a little girl trying to do something good, so people would stop getting hurt. She believed their hurt was because of her, so she fixed what she could. She tried to become the healer, peacemaker, caretaker... she succeeded in that, but it did not do what she had hoped. Because the hurt wasn't her fault.. although it took her until like two weeks ago to finally admit that fully to herself.

I have a long way to go with this. I will try to to find peace in my work shift tonight

[sanmagic7]

i sincerely hope you find the peace you're looking for, el.  those old roles are difficult to extricate ourselves from, that's for sure. 

i must say, it brought a smile to my face to hear that you're able to finally know that the hurt wasn't your fault.  what a major breakthrough.  so very glad for you and your little you.  sending a hug filled with relief and love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. It was a super crazy night at work, but it brings a peace of sorts. It allows me to focus on just that, and to talk to people. I got to laugh tonight, it was fantastic.

I am glad that made your smile. It is important for me to keep reminding myself of it. However, it has not waived for a couple of week. I would have to look at when I composed that letter to little me. It has been a huge help to me

[sanmagic7]

laughter is the best medicine, isn't it?  when my hub calls, i always am able to laugh with him.  my d and i, also, try to end our conversations with a laugh.  i watch comedies almost exclusively when i watch anything, and make sure that the last thing i'm seeing before i go to bed is some silly sitcom rerun.  keeps my mind more at ease.

very glad for you that you can laugh at work.  it's a very good thing, to my mind.  i had that as well when i was working, and it made a lot of things seem better.  yay for you, sweetie.  sending a hug full of love and laughter.

[Elphanigh]

Laughter really is the best medicine. Even on the busiest, and craziest nights at work someone walks in thst will make me laugh. I am never sure who it is, but last night I got s great one. Hoping for the same tonight

[Elphanigh]

Today begins a difficult set of anniversaries. This next three or four weeks is full of anniversaries of deaths. Today is the 8th anniversary of me losing a really good friend of mine, with having lost a member of my graduating class last week it comes with a heavy heart today. I adored them both, played sports with them and sat in classes together. They were both such shining spirits.

In the next several weeks, there is my grandfather, one of my best childhood friends, my great grandmother, and uncle. Some in the same year, some not. Either way these few weeks are always covered with reminders of those deaths. Most of them happened when I was in college so it has been 4 or 5 years but it is hard. I find this evening is a little more unsettling with reminders of the friend I lost to a car wreck on this day.

I can feel a bit of an EF coming on, and need to clip it short if I can. I have to work in just over and hour and would like to be able to be my best tonight. Saturday's are busy and important. I also close the place tonight so it will be a long one, even more so if I am stuck in an ef...

[sanmagic7]

those anniversaries are tough, no doubt.  standing with you, el.  maybe, after work, you can retreat to the porch and just be coddled through any signs of an ef.   warm loving thoughts and a big hug for you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I am finally off work and will be grateful to go to the porch tonight. Work was long, and the people were not kind tonight. Glad to be headed home.

The anniversaries are difficult. I have found myself missing my ex-gf this week a lot. I miss her comfort, and ability to make me laugh or at least smile at these times. She was always so good about this sort of thing. Instead I live alone and have to find comfort in myself. It is a good skill but a hard one.

The ef is only barely there. I think the small traces are manageable. Going into work when I did probably saved me. It does a huge number to keep my mind from panicking, and going too far back.

[sanmagic7]

i have no doubt you'll get yourself thru this, sweetie.  you are getting stronger by the minute.  standing right beside you on the porch - there's a soothing breeze, just the right temp, and the ocean's just the way you like it.  relax and just be for a minute.  you'll be ok.

big hug filled with consolation and love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. That made me breathe much deeper. I will be on the porch standing with you today. I will get through this, I just have my moments. You are right that I am getting stronger, thank you.

Big warm hug to you too 

[Elphanigh]

So I get to go back to my therapist in a few hours. I find that I am both excited and terrified. It has been about three months since I have seen her, and so much has happened. She is terrific and I am beyond lucky to have found her, but I know how hard this work is.
Before I was living with my partner, and could come home to her. I could crash, and fall into her if I needed to. I don't have that option anymore. I am, in a way, alone for the first time in over six years. I hopped from a four and a half year relationship to one that lasted over a year and a half. This November would have marked two years.


I am healthier for the boundaries and changes in that relationship, but it is still not easy. Especially when she used to be my rock before and after EMDR sessions. I am strong, I made to through * and back many times. However, I still feel weak in these moments.


I am scared to do this alone tonight. First way past a fear is to admit it. This is me admitting that fear, but also recognizing I am stronger for it.
Thank you for making this a safe place that I can admit those things, and come to when I need it.

[Sceal]

I am glad you got to see your therapist again. I hope it was a good session for you.

I am sorry to hear about the breakup, those are always hard. But setting boundaries is a big, important step I think.

If you'll allow me, I'm sending you a digital hug tonight. Hoping you'll be okay.

[Elphanigh]

Thanks Sceal. I see her in just under an hour. Hoping it is a good session too.

The break up had been a long time coming, and a lot happened to cause it. There is a long thread on the difficult day posts about it. Also somewhere in my journal is what happened. The boundaries ar a huge step. I have been setting them with more people, including my FOO.

I will gladly enjoy the digital hug. I could use them

[sanmagic7]

hey, el,

i know it's way past your session, but want to send you bunches of hugs               to be with you tonite as you process what you went thru today.  i hope it was a good one for you.  i know emdr can be tough at times.

earth mother spirit gathering you up in her voluminous skirts of comfort and caring so maybe you won't feel so alone tonight.  lots of love, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

I need that tonight. Didn't do emdr, but did some catching up. Re-evaluated symptoms and did a different ptsd diagnostic tool she hadn't done with me the first time around, because we both knew that I had cptsd without question.

I came home, sat in a dark apartment.. and cried. Head in my hands and curled up. I need your Earth Mother spirit so badly tonight. Feeling alone is so difficult, and I don't want to feel so alone tonight.

I haven't been completely honest with myself, let alone other people, about how I have been doing. Honestly my depression, inner critic, and life events have been kicking my a**.... I don't have words for it all right now... but it is an exhausting battle in my head. It has led to me numbing things without even realizing I am doing it... and mastering the mask that I used to wear again.

The comfort that you and your Earth mother spirit bring are much needed. I am finally admitting some difficult things to myself and here to you. Not all of it, but in time.