the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[Twinkletoes]

http://psychoanalyticmuse.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/winnicott-interaction-of-past-and.html?m=1

Xx

[sanmagic7]

all i can say right now is thank you everyone, and i think pinocchio had a much easier time becoming a real human boy than i am becoming a human being.  just making it through today.

[sanmagic7]

twink, i read your link and it made sense on one level.   one of my big fears is of not being able to sleep through the night.  some of that is from the past, where i believed i had to be responsible to keep a 'mother's ear' open after my babies were born because i was responsible for their well-being.  my husbands had checked out in different way.

so i've slept lightly, ever vigilant for bumps in the night ever since.  usually, as long as there were no untoward noises, especially after i moved out from my family and had my own apartment, (and had the help of sleep meds because i'd developed restless legs syndrome somewhere along the way and hadn't slept right for 20 yrs. before that), i could get most of the sleep i'd need.  the problem became that even with 8 hrs. of uninterrupted sleep, i was still exhausted, and began falling asleep in my office every afternoon.  sleep has been a problem for me for a very long time - 40 yrs. or so.

so, i went looking for the fears around sleeping, and i don't have kids now to be concerned with, but am stuck with hypervigilance nonetheless.  also, it's common for people with adrenal fatigue to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep.  along with that, my husband sometimes wakes me up (like tonite - he is on crutches, crippled from polio, and at times if he wakes up and has to use the bathroom, there is quite a bit of rolling around in bed, clanging of crutches, etc)) and i can't get back to sleep.  i've been sleeping in chunks for so long that my body is kind of used to it.  later today, i'll go back to bed and sleep for another 3 or 4 hrs.

so, yes, some of my fears are from the past, and those i can work on.  but some are very much in the present, out of my control, and happen fairly frequently.  to help adrenals heal i'm supposed to be getting 8-10 hrs. of sleep at night.  on a good night, i'll get 5-6, and try to make up the rest of it during the day. 

yesterday, i decided to work on getting to the bluebird of happiness, get some happy emotions/feelings into my being.  i seem to now have sadness, anger, and fear going quite well.  i was once told that the 6 main feelings were mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, hurt.  yesterday, instead of something more positive, i got mightily in touch with hurt.  they hurt me so much - i want to whisper it because it seems so incredible to me how snidely these people worked on me.  i spent nearly a half hour sobbing about it, and felt better afterwards, so it was a good, focused cry, but i think the pain that my body carries is all the hurt that was perpetrated upon me all those years, and i had to absorb it and carry on because there was so much that needed to be done.

so, it sits in my muscles constantly.  some of it is overt, like my back and neck, but some of it is covert, where there is no pain until i run a finger down a muscles in my leg and arm.  the pain is there, just below the surface.  i don't feel it until i touch it.  it makes massage more of an ordeal to get through rather than something relaxing.  i tense up against the pain that i will feel as soon as someone puts their hands on me.

i don't know quite how i will tackle this pain thing.  i'm also holding so much tension inside, and i continually work at relaxing (kind of an oxymoron).  now the fears about sleep.  consciously, i tell myself to look forward to having a good night's sleep, i look forward to doing just that.  then something like this happens in the middle of the night, and it sets me all a frizz.  i don't know how to change it.  i even took my full med dose last night cuz i wanted to just sleep (i usually only take half of what's been prescribed - it usually works fine) but as i've been more in turmoil, i've taken the full dose more often. 

i don't know.  i do what i can as best i can.  this sleep thing is so counter-productive to what is best for me and short of kicking my husband out, or setting up a futon in the kitchen, i don't see it changing.  he's gone back to sleep about 20 min. ago.  i just can't do that.  lack of sleep is also not good for keeping thoughts and feelings coherent, on track, and sensible.   

i do want to become a full human.  i want, above all, to feel happy.  i can look happy, sound happy, laugh with the best of them, but i just can't feel it yet (no one would ever guess).  how they've hurt me by taking that away from me. 

[sanmagic7]

yesterday, another piece of trauma was released.  i did some tapping, focusing on a memory of my dad telling me when i was 5 or 6 that, because i was the oldest, i was responsible for setting a good example for others.  to my little girl's mind, that meant i was responsible for everyone and everything, staying alert to what might be needed by anyone, what i could teach them or show them, like it was now my duty or job in this world.  in fact, many times i've told people that i had no question as to why i was here - it was to make others feel better.

the image of the memory went from my dad being very big and me being very small to a complete change.  i turned into a rolling robot, turned away from him and moved out into the world, i guess.  that's when the release came, as well as the tears.  it was quite cathartic.  i just lay there, kept going over it in my mind until i began repeating words to the effect that that is not my responsibility, etc. 

i slept pretty good last night.  i want to work more on this today.  it felt good, like i chipped a chunk of cement out of the wall i had up.   this is like putting humpty dumpty back together after he fell.  piece by piece, it shall get done.

[sanmagic7]

i decided to give myself a break from the work today, give my inner being some time to heal.  as i was doing some breathing, a pink, healing light appeared from above and focused on my midsection, the area of many of my problems. 

i've heard many people talk about a healing white light, bring it in, imagine it entering your body, all that stuff, but was never able to do that.  today, it was real, and i didn't even need to conjure it up.  it just appeared and i stayed with it as long as i could, about 20 min.  i didn't actually feel anything different, but i know it was a good thing, positive, and i ended up hugging it to me. 

i know i need to be patient, but i want to fix it all NOW!  i will be patient, take a shower, have something to eat, and just feel good.  it was like yesterday was a violent yanking out of a piece of malevolent tumor, although a healing yank.  today was so gentle yet still healing, just of a different kind.  maybe . . .

[sanmagic7]

things seem to be smoother these past few days.  i've slept a bit better, had some energy to do a little physical movement, and am noticing more how my food intake affects my physical feelings.  it seems that my body is getting quite picky about what i put into it.  slowly, i'm respecting and honoring that, and my body is responding positively. 

i've noticed that i'm not crying as much at what i see on tv, kindnesses and loving gestures and feelings.   it's getting easier to just smile with pleasure instead of immediately bursting into tears.  maybe some of the sadness is finally leaving me.  that would be nice. 

i've also started writing on my novel again - haven't done that since my breakup with my friend.  well, it's a science-fictionalized version of our first road trip together which turned us into friends, revived her womanliness, and cracked her hatred of men.  she discovered mexico and fell in love, both with the people and this town where i now live, where she lived for 8 yrs.  it was an actual life-changing trip, and i wanted to memorialize it for her.   so, altho this break-up was painful, i'm glad to be back to writing about it.  it really was a great trip.

i'm doing my mindful breathing first thing in the morning, along with a bit of yoga.  my body is still so sore with stored tension that yoga is much more painful than relaxing or centering.   i think i'm going to begin tapping about this tension, one part of me at a time.  maybe start with a forearm.  small steps.

otherwise, i'm looking forward to seeing my darling daughter for 3 days in san diego in about 2 weeks.  i just want to have some mom-daughter fun and silliness for a change.  i've been so full of being in the middle of this evolution that i've been pretty emotional with her, and i'd like to be able to put some of that to the side for this visit.  geez, that would be swell!

[Twinkletoes]

Awwww San, you sound like such a wonderful lady!! Your daughter is extremely lucky.

I loved reading your post. It made me smile. You sound like you're really in a good place right now, you so deserve to be!! Looking after your body and mind is a fantastic sign of that and I know that sleeping is an issue you've been struggling with lately so even better!!

I totally get what you mean, therapy stuff and these feelings can feel all consuming at times can't they? Being able to come away from it from time to time is sensible and healthy.

Go you! I'm your own personal cheerleader right now!!! X

[sanmagic7]

twink, you're adorable!

[sanmagic7]

so stressed out today, didn't even want to come here as it's gotten worse as the day has gone on.  i think i overdid some stretching and writing the past few days when i was feeling better, and i just feel sicky now, which is how stress hits me.  wanted to write it down for some reason.  maybe hoping to put some of it here where it'll stop hurting me so much.  ugh, i hate this crapola!

i'm glad i wrote.  one thing that's also gotten under my skin today is that it rained all day, the kind of rain we used to have where i come from in the midwest, but here in the desert it's nearly unheard of!  it's just knocked me off my rocker!  all i wanted to do was sleep thru it, but kept getting interrupted, so now i just feel lousy.  terrible tightness in my diaphragm region.  don't know what that's about.  did some breathing, but it didn't help.  it might have reminded me of climate change, what's happening with our planet on some subconscious level, and i feel completely out of control.

ok, that's the feeling.  this rain is an example of how out of my control all that's going on around the earth is, how restless the people are, all the anger out there, the hate, the demonstrations, the frustrations - that feels about right.  i can't fix this, i'm feeling hopeless right now, have no faith that it's all going to turn out ok.  my diaphragm is the muscle used to control my breathing.  maybe that's why it's so tight. 

i'd love to go to disneyland with my daughter next week, just to get away from the madness for a few hours.  i don't know that we'll make it - we might both be too exhausted.  i love disneyland - it truly is the happiest place on earth.  and the cleanest!  dang, i've never seen a public area as clean as that place.  unless it's changed - it's been quite awhile since i've been there.  still, just to be in that world of fantasy and fun would be so lovely.  i'm hatin' it here right now. 

and someone's car alarm has been going off for about 4 hrs. now.  for a small town, this is one of the noisiest places i've ever been.  the difference between visiting here and living here.    people yell at each other all the time, kids scream, music is 3 million decibels that can be heard from one end of town to the other no matter what time, big bass boomers driving by.  off road vehicles zooming up and down the streets - half the streets aren't paved, so they're all fair game, i guess, with little kids who don't know about being on the road driving them.  ugh!    ooooh, i let the gritch out, but some of the tightness eased up.  i guess this was a good idea after all.

and i can't and don't trust anyone here, and that may be the first time i've allowed that up and out.  the thought that i couldn't stay here on my own without my hub running interference for me ticks me off and saddens me.  i hate the thought that i couldn't take care of myself here - i'd never know when i'd be taken advantage of.  i completely depend on him to remain here.  i hate that.  god, give me strength.

[sanmagic7]

got some decent sleep last night, and that always helps.  feeling more in control today.  that rain yesterday really rocked my world, sent everything spinning out of control.  whew!  i feel more relaxed as well.  my anxiety kicked in pretty badly.   so, i feel back on track, glad i posted here, it seemed to allow some of the yuck out.  so glad this place is here.

[Twinkletoes]

Hey sanmagic7,

I have just caught up with your last couple of posts, how are you doing today?

I am glad you finally got some decent sleep and that writing here helped to rid you of some of the yuck!! Sometimes I literally feel as though I HAVE to write otherwise my head is cloudy and full up all day.

Have you spoken to your hub about feeling as though you have to rely on him? I wonder whether there is anything you could change for yourself to stop you feeling like that?

[sanmagic7]

hey, twink, yeah, he knows that if anything happened to him, i wouldn't stay here.  i know i can't make it by myself here.  i've already told my daughter this, that i would move back to the states, find some assisted living or put me in a home or something near her.   

so, he knows.  i'm too sick to negotiate very much spanish when i'm not feeling good and having to speak to the docs here.  i'm ok with the reg. docs every month to get my meds, but seeing the specialists can throw me for a loop, and my hub always comes with me in case i need help translating.  my brain will just shut down after awhile and i can't concentrate on what they're saying and make the translation in my head.  it exhausts me, and i can barely make it out of the office.

yesterday was one of those days where my system sent me running to the john a few times, stressed me out, i couldn't sleep during the day, and by evening my legs weren't working anymore.  when i go see the internalist, i'm bringing this phenomenon up to him, try to get some answers.  after i slept last night (with some chemical help), i felt better today, my legs are working better.  i also was able to sleep today, and that felt good. 

making sure i'm able to sleep for at least 2-3 hrs. during the day always helps.  i've read that sleep is what gives the adrenals a chance to recharge, and i'm sposed to be getting 8-10 hrs. of sleep every day.  well, i only sleep about 5-6 hrs. at night, so i have to make up for it with a nap.  it's weird.  i'm hoping for some answers in a couple of months.  or at least some of the right tests that will begin answering things for me.

otherwise, this is my life.  i keep contact with the outside world to a minimum, by choice - too much energy expended to interact with people.  so, i'm feeling better today.  i was going back and forth about going to disneyland when i see my daughter next week, but i shelved that idea.  it was stressing me out too much just thinking about the pros and cons.  that's part of why my legs stopped working - i call it the slows.  i want to walk regular, i believe i will, i get up from the chair and begin as if everything is fine, but my legs won't move the way they normally do.  this has been happening for over 20 yrs., but more and more often. 

so, yes, doing better today.  legs nearly back to normal.  keeping stress to a minimum as always.  that's part of why i can't respond to very many posts most of the time - too stressful to read about the tragedy and pain.  so, i do what i can, as much as i can, and i leave the rest.  it's what i've learned over time to take care of me.  pisses me off, tho.  thanks for asking, twink.  you're a sweetie.

[sanmagic7]

legs are good today, so i'm glad of that.  it just seems like it keeps getting harder and harder to take when it happens.  makes me wonder if my brain and body are getting worse.  i hope i get some answers.  i don't like living like this, not ever being able to count on myself from day to day, making plans with the caveat that i may break them depending on what's going on with me.  talk about being out of control!

will be packing today, leaving tomorrow, so i'll probably be gone about a week.  this will be one of the shorter trips i've taken so it'll be kinda interesting to see how it affects me.  different food, no space to myself, routine out the window.  i guess i'll find out.  until next time, good, healing vibes to everyone!

[sanmagic7]

had a wonderful time in s.d. with my daughter, we talked for 3 days straight, laughed, just had a good time together.

before i left, i watched 'pete's dragon'.   (spoiler alert!)  when he was captured, sedated, tied down so he couldn't be himself, couldn't get away, i broke into sobs.  i'd flashed back on 'that's what they did to me all my life!  wanted me to be controlled by them instead of allowing me to be the magical, wondrous, free creature i am.'  the tears wouldn't stop . . .

until, suddenly, they did.  suddenly, my mind shifted and my thoughts changed to 'but they haven't kept me down, haven't killed me, my spirit is intact'.  i acknowledged that, like elliot, i had help along the way, soft and strong help that wouldn't give me up, wouldn't let them take me, and i felt happy.  i still feel it.  it's a quiet kind of happy, not like the excitement that i'd always passed off as happiness, not uproarious, but calm and solid.  it's infused throughout my being, and i already know that it's not going anywhere.

no matter what other emotions i've yet to discover and feel, this feeling of happiness will underlie them all.  a miracle happened from watching a children's movie.  i am humbled.  that may be the first time i've ever felt that as well.  i'm thinking of writing about alexithymia - not sure what form that might take, but it's kind of exciting to just think about it. 

how this is happening, i'm not quite sure.  how to help someone who suffers from this disorder, what steps to take, what route therapy might take, how to stay open to the miracles that might come along, nudging someone, re-wiring brains, all the support needed and accepted.  my last entry in my home journal showed a pic of a bluebird, for the bluebird of happiness (this was feb. 7), and i'd written that happiness was the emotion i was going after next.  today i wrote that i'd achieved that.

o, miracles and magic!  i'd read that people who don't believe in either are the people who don't look for them.   i'm so grateful that i'm surrounded by them.  everyone here has been part of this, part of the miracle and the magic.  we are all magical beings, aren't we.  if we only believe . . .

[Wife#2]

      REJOICE, REJOICE, REJOICE - FOR I BRING GLAD TIDINGS OF JOY

Ok, I totally stole that from Christianity - but it's the best words I know to describe the feeling of reading your words.

You're right, they tied you down for years. They checked their knots to be sure they were holding, but they didn't see the ants. And the ants were chewing as diligently as the enemy was tying. They were just smaller, so took more time at their task. Still, each strand, once broken was unable to be used again.

As each strand broke and then whole ropes came off, the momentum was unstoppable. Genuine YOU has emerged. Yes, there's work left to be done. Yes, relearning self and contact with self and others is scary. But, it's also exciting! Even exhilarating! But, one thing can't be stopped at all. HOPE. HOPE that, one day soon, all the ropes will be discarded. One day soon, you'll be free to walk around within your reality and recognize it all. Claim what you always needed but couldn't quite reach, discard that which served it's purpose but is no longer valid. Get to know yourself and like yourself. Maybe even love yourself!

As corny as it is - it is the greatest love of all.  From that you can open your heart to welcome in the love from others and spend it freely back with them - without the fear that the last deposit won't cover the 'bills'. To learn that love is the only emotion that multiplies inside you every time you allow it in.

Loving is a skill, but you've had that skill all along. You didn't know you'd been wearing blinders all these years, you didn't choose them or put them on. But, you CAN take them off. It'll maybe hurt and be scary, seeing yourself and others for who they truly are. Scary, but not impossible!

So, friend, now that you've loosed some of the most important ropes, how's the view from cloud 9? HUGS to you!!!!