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While writing in Just a Difficult Day, some realisations on my type of self-harm briefly flashed into my mind. I'm going to see if I can find them again. I didn't want to flood Just a Difficult Day with them. Realisations are almost always useful to me in some way, this one I even felt - hey, that could be the key to me stopping, and then the realisation disappeared again. But that's normal for me.

Sooo my type of self-injury is non-bloody.
I pull my hair out, hair by hair, compulsively. Writing and thinking, especially intellectual thoughts where I'm not connected to my emotions is especially conducive to hair-pulling. Is that really self-injury???, people have asked. YES, even though not potentially lethal.  It does hurt your scalp after a while, and it's pretty self-destructive for your appearance. And the myriad situations when I do this show me the symbolism behind it - constant self-destruction, overwhelming lack of self-esteem, constant inner critic, uncertainty,  deeply ingrained in my system. Uncertainty came from being so much criticised in FOO. Whichever way I chose or decided, it was wrong. Even the most minor things. like I was to buy large size packet at grocery store, but it was out-of-stock so do I choose small or go back home without??? Stood there deliberating for minutes on end, and eventually chose 2 small ones. WRONG!!! And then an incredible amount of blaming and shaming on my poor little approx. 8 year old self from M. So much dinning into my head that I was completely stupid and incapable of thought      That made such an impression on me that about 4 years later (I know from the aftermath that I was 12 or 13) when I was sent to the grocery store to get a packet of something else and there was S, M, or L to choose from, I deliberated agaaaaaaiiiiin and chose L. WRONG!!! I ought to have taken into consideration that we were moving within the year and wouldn't be able to use up all the contents by then and it would take up space in the packing. By the way, it was a tin of baking powder, not a hundredweight of coal. As I'm sure everybody knows, a single tin of baking powder takes up sooo much space    I'm a little bit in touch with Inner Children right now, and of course they don't understand the  They're more      and maybe some  and     So of course my comment about baking powder taking up soooo much space isn't really useful. Maybe not damaging, but it doesn't help on the emotional level at all.

In my Just a Difficult Day post, I was writing about my difficulties with getting on with the freelance work I'm meant to be doing. What is partly so difficult about this type of work I do is that I constantly have to make minor, nit-picking distinctions and decisions. A mistake could potentially cause me quite a lot of money (by my earning standards)  and/or client annoyance if the work were rejected, but I think it's more the completely over-the-top criticism, verbal abuse and rejection I experienced as a child due to my decision-making. Yes, the Inner Children are nodding. So that's a realisation worth having, and something concrete I can work on with my Inner Children. There is more than one involved, I can't feel yet how many i.e. could be more than two, an Inner Helper I last had contact with about two years ago is now appearing on the scene, she represents inner strength especially in the spine. What is also clear to me is that this inner work is so much more important than getting that freelance work done. Maybe I can find another freelance colleague to take over at short notice. Yikes. But it might work. So I wouldn't earn my 70 mojos, well tough. The inner work is more important.

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This is the rest of the post, from before I figured out the middle bit, but I'm leaving it. They are my thoughts, my truth about myself.

I also do it (hair-pulling) in order not to disocciate as well as to bring myself back from disocciation. So much of it is semi-unconscious, or even completely unconscious. At some point I become aware, but have probably pulled out any number of hairs by then. Sometimes I do catch myself before my fingers have pulled, for which I give myself a  It has taken a lot of work even to get to this stage.   Nobody was meant to notice I had any problems in childhood and teenage years so I guess unconsciously I 'chose' methods which are not very visible. Cutting would've been a bit more visible. I would've got into trouble with FOO over that. My hair was always a mess, which happens if you constantly run your fingers through your hair, pulling it out, and I did get a lot of ridicule over that as well as being yelled and screamed at and shamed, but I don't want to imagine what else would have happened if I'd taken up cutting....

Also I do think it's a little disgusting for other people, having my hairs floating around, like when I'm sitting in a waiting room or on the bus. I get so easily grossed out myself by other people's odd hairs (from their scalp) floating about.

I posted this, and more, somewhere else today, so I'm copying it in here too. I've edited it a bit because some of it's not necessary on this forum in the sexual abuse section - everybody on here probably understands more than where I last posted.

It just finally came out so I guess it's time for it. Also when I think it might be useful for somebody to know in order to protect a child, I can be more outspoken about it. Here I'm probably speaking to the converted, so to speak, I mean those who wouldn't abuse and don't need to have explained what it all is and could be.

TRIGGER WARNING  through to end of post !!!


I'm a woman who was sexually abused as a child by my mother. Not just me, my brothers were too. I saw it happen on various different occasions. My M has an unhealthy fascination with buttocks, and children's ones are the easiest to reach, I guess, and children least likely to be able to defend themselves, especially when brought up to not do so. Adults are right, children are wrong. Though I did try to defend myself as a child with the remark "That's mine." but M not subtle enough to understand that.
There were looks, there were steadfast gazes, there were hands down the back of (under) pants, there was gloating and oogling over own or other people's children being "spanked with their pants down", there were words related to these activities some in this sentence, some not, spoken in a really creepy way, there were really weird remarks sometimes where even the other members of my family looked bemused and or taken aback at these remarks, and I was trying my best not to disocciate (though I didn't know the terminology at the time).

There was more, but I can't write it. All in this semi-subtle way. Some people say: that doesn't sound so subtle at all, whereas others discount it, even therapists have discounted it in the past.

Years later before the first grandchild appeared, I told my siblings, I warned them. I didn't want this stuff to get passed onto the next generation. My sibs both said they could accept that this was the way I felt but they had no memories of it whatsoever and "we will protect our own children as we see fit, butt out".  A lot of denial in my family. And even with emotional abuse, beating up etc a lot of nit-picking over what's 'real' abuse, and what might have been provided by my over-active imagination    , or dreamed up, or maybe I was convinced by some T at some time 

I've been dealing with this topic on and off in therapy and/or counselling over the last 15, no wait, worse, 20 years (often the emotional or physical abuse/neglect have taken precedence) but these past couple of weeks I'm finally back on this topic in trauma therapy, putting it on the mini-screen behind all sorts of magical reinforced tinted glass so that nothing can get through to me. They call it confrontation with the trauma in this country. 

I remembered too during the course of the day why I was worried deep down inside about posting some of what happened to me (or other children in my M's vicinity) on here: I've come across other survivors who on hearing what I went through said pretty unfeeling things like: is that all that happened?? i.e. not enough, doesn't count. I'm in a stronger place now though. I can think to myself "YES, that is all, and it was quite enough!"

I know this isn't a judgemental forum, so these remarks won't come, but those comments from the past have left their scar too.

Just making the commitment to stop reading on here (or anywhere else) for the next few hours and go and do one of the things I really need to do. 

My dreams sent me for a loop today, but reflecting on them, I realised there has been progress. For months I've had on and off dreams about suddenly being at the FOO family home unable to move out because I couldn't find a job to pay the rent. In those dreams I was always pretty confused: What on earth am I doing back here??? And I felt hopeless and stuck and like I'd felt as a teen or young adult. Certainly not the way I feel now.
Last night was new. I went round to where my parents live now, peered in the windows and decided "No, thanks." and left. I felt like the adult I am now. The rest of the dreams weren't quite so peachy. But progress in one topic is good!

     Got a letter today from medical insurance agreeing to pay for more therapy!

For whatever reason in my dream I allowed myself to be put in a situation which could trigger me. It took place in a therapeutic setting even. Instead of saying "I can't do this" which I have been able to do in T settings for a long time and for a few years IRL in this particular sort of situation (which I don't want to detail in case I trigger anybody else),  I went along with it and got triggered. I knew that in T setting in an emergency you could say, or better, yell "Stop!" and that would be a clear signal for the other person to disengage. I tried yelling that and also "No!"  but no sound came out of my mouth. I did then manage to fight myself out of the situation and woke up.

It seems the dream came about because of an unrelated incident IRL today which I wrote about in my Recovery Journal. At least on the surface it's unrelated but deeper down there are connections...

I started this post in Recovery from CPTSD / Set Backs. I titled it: Steps forward, Step back. But then decided really it should be the beginning of a Recovery Journal especially since I'm writing my inner dialogue further down.   
The past couple of days I've been doing so well IRL, getting on with things. Even this morning that was the case and then suddenly I plummeted this afternoon, and went to bed, my alarm set. I slept too, so that's OK but then got up briefly and then  went back to bed again and didn't re-set my alarm. Which isn't so good. I do have a list to hand (right by my bed) of Today's Could Do Things, which includes fun things too not just chores. But instead of having a quick look and staying up and doing one of the easiest or funnest activities, I went back to bed.

Had I attempted to do too much? I did mention to a possible employer that I could work one morning a week starting April. Yes, as I write that, it's clear that was the problem. Instead of going back to bed, what could have been a more useful internal dialogue? I've merely inquired about the job, that doesn't mean I have to take it if it looks as if it might be too many hours after all or for one reason or another too difficult. But I have done similar work before and it was a welcome break from my profession because so different. Non-sedentary, outside in the fresh air, work including at times of year when my profession tails off for a bit.

And most important to remember: the employer is not FOO and I am not a dependent child. I wouldn't be - what's the word??? (that problem again) - completely defenseless. OK now I understand. Worries about turning SG there as well.  So again I say to myself it is different though, as an adult I can leave if I have to. Not like a dependent child in a FOO who can only leave alive by dissociation or by being removed, but the latter wouldn't have happened in my case. And it's not necessarily a forever job, maybe just 6 months to give me a bit more income at a time I need some. Also it's good to ask and try and then see. If I discover before I even start that thisn't the right time for this job, then I can turn it down.

With worries about turning SG in my subconscious or unconscious mind, I can understand why my energy plummeted and why I went back to bed the second time.

Whether subconscious or unconscious is pretty irrelevant, I know what I mean and this is a space where I can let worries about wrong word/spelling/ grammar go.

I'm back on my feet now. Even before posting on here I did a few small jobs from my list. So I got back on my feet pretty fast. Good job, Blueberry. 

I'm not quite sure where to put this post, but since it's about an idea I have for my own recovery at the moment, I'm putting it in here.

OOTS - you guys are great! I've learned so much reading on here almost daily for a month. I can tell that being in this community is helping me along in therapy too. You are also so supportive. I think that's beginning to help me with some more self-compassion. I learn a lot commenting too, because my comments to you all tell me something about me too. Often it's something that's not even clear to me until I've formulated it for you.

However, I think I'm spending too much time on here. There are so many things IRL that I ought to be getting on with, from doing the taxes to filling in other important forms to making my rat's nest of a bed into a properly made bed that IRL I feel  with all this stuff to do. Best get on with it. Bit by bit. Otherwise the falling-bricks effect will backfire on me.

So I'm declaring this here because that will help me stick to it. This doesn't mean I won't be on here at all, but I aim to spend less time here for a while, less time reading other posts and commenting on them. Maybe being more selective, just reading and commenting where that's really my deal or really my topic at the moment. 

In an answer I wrote a couple of minutes ago to somebody else's post I mentioned that I "fortunately" don't have much contact to my M (as in 'mother'). I noticed right away how I kind of seized up inside. Forgot to breathe briefly, tensed up, maybe even a quick freeze. That just shows me how deeply ingrained the FOO message is: no criticism of M allowed, removing myself from M not allowed, existing in my own right and feeling relieved that I now have a noticeable boundary is not allowed.

And as for expressing all of that, well it's still really hard. Partially I'm worried that somebody in FOO could read my post, although there's probably way less than 1% chance of any of my FOO members ending up here or on any other website for people healing from C-PTSD, and even if they did, they probably wouldn't have the self-awareness to recognise themselves and their behaviour. If they did have the self-awareness, then theoretically it would be good that they finally heard my side. Theoretically. But somehow it frightens me anyway, the idea of being found out. Ooops, yes, there's a memory. Not really a new one.

I finally had a shower and washed my hair yesterday, as I've posted elsewhere.

It wasn't till the evening and I was reading back in my diary that in a similar phase in the fall (real problems with self-care and especially showering - just the thought of it - was really exhausting, plus just staying in bed or if out of bed then eating unhealthily/too much, self-injury etc etc)  I realised it was mixed up with CSA which we'd briefly touched on in therapy. Then I sank all the memories, my explanations, T's remarks, the work we'd done on it... into a bank vault. And I really forgot that we'd ever touched on the topic. 
So the realisation: something similar has been going on this past week too. I don't even remember if the CSA topic came up again in my mind. Being forgetful can be quite useful at times.    Oh, yeah, it did come up, I was thinking it's maybe time I got onto this topic in T since I don't have many hours left.
So I've been in an EF which I can sort of function in but which makes the simplest sounding activities really difficult. Also self-motivation really hard. This realisation helps me not be so hard on myself, so critical.

CSA is the one topic where I still dissociate when I just think of it. I haven't admitted to myself, acknowledged how devastating it has been. It wasn't as bad as most people had. I could've misunderstood something.      Though I didn't of course. The body keeps the score. I haven't even read that book, but the title is very apt.

I'm grateful I have a place to write this.

Yesterday my T mentioned that I can't expect anybody in my FOO to protect me from anyone else in my FOO, that it's me who has to do that. I'm still working on implementing that, but yes, I know it's true. I finally realised that last summer. But still this comment threw me. I don't blame my T for saying it, I mean we have  been working on a major set of FOO problems including this since the summer. It's probably time for a few gentle suggestions.

But my inner critic goes haywire with: you're so useless, you haven't realised that yet (on your own); everything's your fault anyway; everything that went on in the summer (with FOO) is your fault.
I do see in my mind which member(s) of my FOO came up with these sorts of remarks even beyond my childhood. It's certainly not my T saying these! It's more that he's warning me: your family is not going to change! Your brother sounds pretty insensitive so you have to stop him as soon as he starts off with some remark or a topic: "NO! I don't want to hear it."

OK that's helped me to write it down, especially what my T is really saying. Before, I read a bit on here what others of you do with your inner critics but it wasn't very helpful, not at this moment, and nor were my own attempts in the same vein last night (basically shutting the critic out, even if just temporarily).

Having written that, I come to a new realisation: it's a question of shame for me. I feel ashamed because I feel that my therapist criticised me for  something I should have known. Since I didn't know it or act on it that means I'm stupid. And when you're stupid according to my FOO, you really have to be ashamed of that. (I teach and don't act that way towards my students, but towards myself, yes, well...)

I'm very grateful for having a place to write this, where nobody is judgemental. It's somehow different from writing in my own diary. If I'd tried to write it in my diary, I would've blocked far more, probably not come to those realisations so fast. Also I'm pretty judgemental towards myself. I hope I'm not towards others here, I try not to be.

Found this forum yesterday. Just what I need. I have CPTSD, starting in early childhood. Emotional/psychological/verbal abuse from both parents and older brother; physical from mother and older brother; se...l from mother. Have to wonder when I write that why I still have contact, tho contact is much reduced. Only allow emails. 

I read posts yesterday on no contact and low contact. These were helpful.  I have instigated spells of NC before. I discovered last summer that my FOO haven't really changed. That was really hard, devastating to feel again what I felt as a child. The abandonment.

I have trouble writing and I often feel inarticulate.

I have been either in therapy or working on myself without therapy for about 20 years. CPTSD was originally my own diagnosis but a multitude of doctors and therapists have since agreed with me on that. I'm in trauma therapy now. It took a long time to find a trauma therapist at all in my backwoodsy place and then even longer to find one I could work with.

Well, that's enough for now.