ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Not Alone]

Dear San,

Cry, rage, laugh, play. You are precious.

[sanmagic7]

thank you everyone.  i don't have the energy to write much, still processing, but i appreciate all your words and  encouragement.  love and hugs.   

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee, as always, for your supportive hug. 

snowdrop, 3r, and notalone. thank you all for your vote of strength.  last nite, i felt the full impact of that strength, making those strides, and it ended up in a place of 'is this worth it?'.  i've felt so crappy, worn out, stressed, energy-drained the past few days, and last nite it all really got to me.  i know that what i'm doing is important for me, at least i know that on one level.  i know it's helping kill pieces of the beast that have continued to haunt me and hurt me, have caused me to struggle in what seems like a never-ending battle to reclaim my own self.  but, dang, that was processing 2 months of my life as a baby, and it took me down pretty far.

happily, today i'm feeling better. got a good nite's sleep, and am back on track.  looking forward to go after a few more months next week, even tho i know what's coming.  i think what i'm realizing is just how much this stuff has whacked out my brain and mind, how i've been dealing w/ such a vital essence of me all my life, mostly because of parental ignorance.  these were not people who hated me, but were doing, in their own unenlightened perspectives, what they thought was best for their baby and their own lives.

it just brings to mind how ignorance can be so damaging.  they had their own hells to navigate growing up, and in those days there was no awareness about abuse, depression, impact on children of that which had been handed down thru the generations.  this is the first time i've been able to see their lives and what everything meant to them when it came to raising their own children.  it's rather profound.

not that i'm ignoring accountability, but i'm understanding on  a deeper level what life meant to them, how it was for them.  they both lived thru the great depression, neither were able to finish high school, and asking for help was more or less forbidden.  my dad grew up in the streets, and all my grandparents were alcoholics.  that was the legacy handed down to me.  i didn't have a chance, but neither did they. 

well, this is rather self-contemplative in a way i've never done, that i can remember.  not consciously or concisely.  it's good to be able to admit this, but it's so very sad what tradition and ignorance can do to a young life, an unformed brain and mind.  plus the repercussions of that influence on the entire evolving life.  the battles, the struggles, the confusion, the terribly neg. choices in partners and friends - it runs the entire gamut of a life lived.  and it ruins it in so many ways.

you all are helping me get thru this, and i appreciate it so much.  what's the point?  is it worth it?  the less i have to continue struggling, battling, feeling confused about what's going on around me, why i see things differently than others, feeling the stress, overwhelming at times, of moving one foot in front of the other to get thru a day, understanding the triggers and where they've come from and why, having the anxiety of life lessen, restoring emotions that have never been there before - it's a new world in so many senses of that idea, and it's helping me be the me i was meant to be.  i can't put a price on that.

killing this beast, putting it to rest, at least to a more manageable size and shape, gaining the capability to actually be able to leave some of this stuff behind is the best gift i can give myself.  i may be old, but i'm not out. 

[Snowdrop]

I think you're doing fantastic work, San. 

[Not Alone]

killing this beast, putting it to rest, at least to a more manageable size and shape, gaining the capability to actually be able to leave some of this stuff behind is the best gift i can give myself.  i may be old, but i'm not out.

And through it all you also give us the gift of encouragement. You are an inspiring example of perseverance, trusting yourself and trying new things, and vulnerability. I have been blessed by your words directly to me and by what you have shared of your own journey.

[Tee]

You can do it San, I'm here with you.   

[Hope67]

You are doing such great work, SanMagic, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and tell you that you inspire me, and this hug is heartfelt 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, thank you for that.  it means a lot.

notalone, you brought a calming presence to my heart with your words.  how very sweet of you to say that.  thank you.


tee, i so appreciate you being with me.  i can feel it, and i love that.

hope, i felt that hug in my heart.  thank you.

so very tired today - i slept most of the day, just couldn't get myself up.  this is more grueling than i imagined, but i'm looking forward to doing more, cuz i do believe it's helping in the long run.  i'm very lucky that i can take these days/hours that i need for rest and recuperation.  today told me, tho, that i'm not ready to move on w/ this work yet.  still need to rest.

yesterday, i also dreamt of my ncD.  it was exactly the same as it had been, i could hear her voice, saw her eyes, the look on her face, watched her behaviors completely ignore anything i'd said or that she'd agreed to, and i woke up right after i said to her 'i don't know what else to do with you.'  when i told my d, she said, 'yep, that's about right'.  it was so real, one of the most real dreams i've ever had.  it also told me that my brain is still processing the re-scripting i did last week, so i'm gonna keep waiting.  i'll know when it's time to go at it again.

it also gives me the message that there is so much stuff in my babyhood, even tho i'm not aware of it at all, that i've stored away, and that's why this has drained me the way it has.  whew!  i'm in awe of my brain and my mind, tho.  the whole idea that i am being able to rewrite some of this stuff and my brain is allowing itself to become rewired.  i did notice, tho, that i still break into tears when i witness kindness and loving gestures, so i believe that i'm going to have to incorporate that in my personal work along the way.  i'll have to think about how and where it will fit.

thank you all for the encouragement and support.  you're the best!  i hope you know that.   

[Tee]

  take your time San it's not a race.  You amaze me.  Here with you

[Three Roses]

You're a fighter, that's for sure! You've dealt with so much and yet you keep swinging! You're a trouper!  Big healing filled with energy and refreshment.

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee, thank you for the reminder.  i am taking my time - this morning i'm feeling too tired to go for my usual walk, so i'm deciding to skip it instead of pushing myself. 

3r, thanks for the support and encouragement.  energy and refreshment hit the spot right now, cuz i'm not feeling too much of either.

too worn out to walk this morning.  i guess i'm still feeling the effects.  yesterday i had a ton of energy, did a lot of stuff, and i'm also in the process of eating differently - i need to lose some weight to get my blood pressure and sugar levels down - so that might be affecting me right now as well.  i'm taking it easy for today, gonna hang out on the porch.  rocking chair, waves lapping, the energy of anyone else there and maybe a book - it all sounds like what i'm needing right now.  i'm bringing fresh-picked blackberries for everyone.  see you there!

[Blueberry]

  for you san. Too tired to write anything else.

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hugs blueberry and tee.  always appreciated.  they warm my heart.

kind of a down day today.  i think my body is undergoing change and it's upsetting the rest of my system.  it's stress, after all, my nemesis, and happens no matter what kind of change i make.  even tho i'm doing something pos. for myself, my body reacts stressfully. 

i've been spending a lot of time editing, and still have more to do before my book is ready to be formatted.  i'm hoping that i'll have some offerings to sell when we hit the farmers market next summer.  it would be fun to actually sell a book or two of mine.  right now, they're simply sitting in my computer.  i loved writing them, never thought i'd do anything with them.  now it's a possibility.

i also believe i'm still feeling the effects of the work i did last week, so i don't think i'll do another chunk until next week.  i need to stabilize, physically and emotionally before i go again.  changing eating patterns, even tho i wrote a program about that, has been challenging lately.  it all went away when i was sick all those years, so finding my way back is a struggle.  but, i do want this to happen, want to stay as healthy and viable as possible as i hit my stride at this stage of my life. 

so much has changed.  i don't want to be a burden to my d.  it's good motivation, in a way.