ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, thanks a ton.

notalone, very cool.  i'm learning that you like to sing songs.  thanks.

sceal, absolutely in nature (i know you favor nature as well).  i'm surrounded by it here - rainforest and ocean.  doesn't get much better!  thank you.

did a lot of physical work today, so i'm tired now.  my d's been gone all morning.  i noticed once again how differently i work, use my time, when i'm alone.  i noticed this when my hub was gone for a couple days.  it was like i slept better, kept completely different hours, had energy for different things when i could have my own schedule and didn't have to rely on another person and take into consideration what they wanted and at what times. 

i also feel more relaxed, less pressure, even tho they don't really put pressure on me to be a certain way, do things, etc.  with him, i had to get up when his alarm went off, couldn't sleep longer cuz we didn't have space, etc.  with her, she likes having me as a sounding board for all her writing projects, and i want to be there for her.  it's just kind of strange to me, that dynamic.

when i rented a room, even tho i had no one to answer to, per se, i did have to go by house rules, which were pretty strict cuz of the other people living there.  i guess i feel the stress of living w/ another person, just because they're there.  i wonder how much of this is self-inflicted?  i really enjoy my time alone.  less pressure, no expectations at all, kind of thing. 

oh well.  don't know how important that all is, just writing it cuz it came to mind.  being mindful, maybe. 

[Sceal]

I am thinking of going in nature before I go to work today. And I'm so happy you got some enjoyment out of it as well.

I understand the pressure that you're describing so much! It's not that they are nesccarilly putting the pressure on you, but the pressure is there none the less. And although it can be nice to not be alone all the time, it is golden to be allowed to be at home alone. Be safe, do things your way in your order, when you want to. Or not at all.

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

sceal, you totally get it.  and, yes, nature is very grounding for me, which is why i like going for my walks at first light.  it's such a great way to start my day.  i've noticed that the mushrooms are beginning to burst upward - a very fun fall sign here.   

thanks for the hug, tee.  always welcome.

feeling pretty good this morning.  of course, with that good comes the wanting to get back into the work i've been doing.  we'll see how i feel tomorrow.  this is a good week to do some, i think, cuz a grand slam in tennis will be happening for the next 2 weeks, and that's a great way for me to chill, is watching those players, hearing the soothing sound of the ball striking the court over and over.  definitely one of my happy places.

if anyone thinks it's still too soon for me to get back into it, please let me know.  i'm not very good (as we've been seeing) at knowing in real time if i've rested enough, am stable enough to get to the next level of work.  i still have some unfinished from last time, where i'm dealing w/ the age of 6 mos. to 2 yrs.  several of you suggested i rewrite the script for when i may have acted out, or been less than perfect during that age frame, how my parents should have reacted.  i think that was definitely a piece i was missing from when i last did this.  i feel more confident now, too, that i can get that feeling of mother love going toward my little me, which feels good to know.

i think i'm gonna give it a go, tho, maybe tomorrow or tues.  i'm kind of excited about it - it would be really nice to lay this chapter to rest.  and, i'm going to look up erikson's levels, make sure all that's included.  o boy!  here we go again!

[Sceal]

Nature in the morning is wonderful! Also late at night while it is still light. There's a different kind of light both during morning and evening. But also the air itself feels cleaner or more therapeutic in a way.
I managed a quick slippery walk up a trail before heading to work. It makes all the difference!

As for continuing the work. It can be so hard to judge when you've had enough rest and when youve rested too much. I think doing a reminder thing of what you've already worked through could be a good way for you to figure out where your level of rest is. Revision kind of thing.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with you, sceal, about the air and atmosphere at those 2 particular times of day.  they are special in how they feel.  i'm glad you got a walk in before work.

thanks for the thought on moving forward w/ the work.  i will do what you suggested - it sounds good and solid.   

[Tee]

Good luck San,
I'm sorry I'm not more engorging at the moment. Just make sure you give yourself grace and remember little at that age often react more out of tiredness than naughtiness. You don't have to see your little self as a terror toddler.  I wish I could offer more words of wisdom and compassion.  But I'm kind of stuck at the bottom of a pit that's caving in. Sending as much love and support as I can muster.

[Snowdrop]

I think if you revisit the work you've been doing over the next couple of days or so, you might get more of a sense of how settled it feels. That way, when you go to the next level, you'll be able to build on a more stable foundation. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee, for the insights. 

thank you, snowdrop for the suggestions.

ok, so i went the next step.  it was suggested to me that i go by 6-mo. increments in order to be able to include everything.  i did some research on development at 6 mos., and they had a pic of a baby, and i burst out sobbing.  definitely something there, even if i can't remember it.  i began picturing a baby in my mind, just beginning to crawl and sit up.  they had great suggestions on this site, all the way from cognitive to physical progress, interactions, learning, etc.   i also looked at erikson's psychosocial development for this age, which is still trust/shame. 

just writing that brought a wave of something over me.  i think i'm shame-based and didn't know it, but it's hitting me where chakra #1 is.  so, klots of movement right now.  did my own version of brainspotting while picturing baby me, did some yawning, and afterwards, more tears.  i possibly did 2 mos. worth right now, and will stop.  i was able to picture my parents laughing with joy while watching me crawl around, sit and look, and playing w/ blocks.  i imagined me grabbing something that wan't a baby thing, and both of them smiled at me, gently took it out of my hand, put it up where i couldn't reach it.

there was no shame, no guilt, no yelling, and no restriction of me.  i think the ability to be free during this visualization was overwhelmingly positive for me.  the idea that i could be messy (i also pictured me in a high chair, slapping at some food, making a mess - again, my parents kind of chuckled, altho my mom was a little frustrated, but nothing harsh).  i think that's all i can do today.  feel drained at the moment, but a little 'cleaner' inside.  i think there's a lot of muck in there from this time in my life. 

trust/mistrust - that was proved to me on a conscious level when i was 13 or so, that i could not trust my parents to be there for me.  i never consciously thought about that dynamic, tho, only that i needed to rely on myself for my emotional needs, which i did.  they stopped - that's how i took care of them.  just stopped, except for feeling sad.  but, they had stopped long before 13, it was just a different type of realization.

so, i need to let this part process thru now.  am going to rest on the porch.  i knew this age range for me would be loaded, but i didn't realize how much crapola would actually need to be redone.  this is amazing me, tho.  it feels so right, and like corrections are taking place. 

[Snowdrop]

Wow, this sounds really significant and powerful. I could feel the effect of it as I was reading, and it's beautiful. You're doing such amazing, deep work. Lots of love and hugs. 

[Tee]

  that's great San you rock.  Big supportive hug

[Jazzy]

it feels so right, and like corrections are taking place.

Awesome, its great you're making such progress. Keep it up!

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, tee, and jazzy, thank you so much for all your support.  it really helps me push on.  you are all so appreciated.

still processing.  my brain is active.  yesterday, after going after what happened for about 2 months of my life (which, of course, i can only guess at, but it's feeling right on), i was tired, but after my nap, i felt good, strong, walked in the forest, had a good evening.  last nite, however, a huge wave of sorrow for myself washed over me, and the tears came, the sobs came, my body was wracked with expulsion and realization.  the thought of how my spirit  had been repressed and restricted, trying to mold me into a perfect little girl - which worked for a long while - overcame me.  i cried for that little girl - she was so precious, so curious, so full of spit and vinegar, wide-eyed wondering about the new world she'd been thrust into, yet stymied again and again.

i'm a walking miracle.  the battle, the struggle, to be me has been neverending, but it has taken its toll, and that's manifested itself in a lot of physical pain, and suddenly i'm mad.  i can picture me trying to get away from restricting hands, cowering inside from harsh voices telling me 'no', stopping me from exploring by getting me out of the way, setting me in a playpen so the chores could be done, the house cleaned, the coffee drunk and the cigarettes smoked.  perfunctory feeding and clothes being changed in a house bereft of brightness - we never had art or music or memorabilia  around our home.  it was drab, and i was not.

i can feel it even now that struggle to have fun, to laugh, to play, to socialize w/o being bit by my same-age cousin.  our 2 families lived together and we've both heard the stories all our lives.  i don't know how that was dealt w/, but i do know that it happened over and over.  i know my spirit is all about fun, so this ended up restrictive as well.  ugh!  but, what's done is done.

then, this morning, the whispers toward x-hub #1 shadowed my mind.  'i don't forgive you'.  several times.  i've been angry about what's happened, but never to this point of feeling and thought.  he nearly killed me, and i've tolerated that behavior, allowed it to be with me for over 40 yrs.  it's all coming up again now, and it's dreadful.  he's admitted that he was wrong, he apologized, but i can see that it was another misogynist play in my life, and i'm ready to weep once more for the sorrow and shame of it.  so, i'm dealing w/ that as well right now.  one more strike at my spirit, a huge blow (he left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, among other things) and i cracked big time under it.

it's such a heavy weight to carry, to have carried, and i don't want to be ok w/ what he did anymore.  his name was the same as my F's, and he died this year on my F's birthday.  the connection was tremendous.  and now i'm dealing w/ the 2 *'s in my life who continually went after me verbally, mentally, and emotionally (thank you, god, that physical abuse was not part of it), chipping away at what made me me.  i remember my ex once telling me, after we'd been broken up for a bit, how different i seemed now that i was on my own.  well, yeah - i could get my feet under me, get my spirit back on track w/o it being pummeled all day every day.

so, now that i'm writing, i see how these 2 men basically did the same thing to me, in some ways, while i was looking at the world in wide-eyed wonder and love, and how they confused me as to what was going on w/ me, how i got lost in their shuffle.  the tears are here at the edge of my eyes now.  so very sad.   and people wonder 'why dredge this stuff up?  it only hurts, brings you pain!' but i know that it's been smoldering and festering inside me and without bringing it up it will continue to kill me from the inside out.  the not knowing, the denial, the distraction, the confusion, the busybusybusy to try to outrun it just doesn't work anymore.  i need to keep living, and the only way i'll accomplish that, resurrect my spirit to it's glorious fullness is to face this crapola head on. 

i once heard that if you bury a living thing, it will always rise up and bite you.  this stuff has to die in order that i'm not being bit anymore.  and i'm the only one who can kill it.  my warrior woman has just come to the fore - i'm fearless right now.

[Snowdrop]

Fearless and strong! That sounds like a lot of releasing, and pattern spotting. I have so much admiration for the work that you're doing. 

[Three Roses]

my warrior woman has just come to the fore - i'm fearless right now.

"Towanda!" 💪