Debating this

[Phoebes]

I guess I keep a recovery journal of sorts on my computer. Sometimes it's more recovery-oriented than others. Sometimes I think I coudl easily write a book.

It still makes me nervous to write stuff on here. For the past two days, I've been a bit obsessed with writing out all of my feelings and experiences, again. The last time I did this was over a year ago. I've been borderline obsessed with this again. I had made a lot of progress and guess I still have. Why am I still thinking about the particulars, as well as new remembrances of all this abusive stuff?

I feel like I can't move forward effectively until all this is settled. I know trying to settle it with her is probably not effective, but how do I stop thinking about it and obsessing about it all?

I think part of what keeps me ruminating is all of these societal messages and platitudes. I keep hearing things in my head like just be positive, you've got to keep your vibration high, don't hold a grudge (is experiencing pain the same thing as holding a grudge?), you become the one you feed (the wolf in your head story), and stuff like that. I feel confused and like this state of mine is all my fault and should be easily changeable.

This stuff I wrote out over the last two days is SO LONG. And it's not even the half of what happened to me. I just keep remembering more and more and putting the puzzle together. I wish it didn't seem so hopeless, like the hope I used to have, the joy, is a distant memory. I feel dead inside most of the time. I at least used to get excited about some things and enjoy some of my time whole heartedly. Now, nuthin'.

[Deep Blue]

Hey phoebes
I've been there.  I think your heart is telling you that writing things out will help you in your healing process.  I think that's why you feel compelled to do it lately.  Ignore what your head says about it right now.  Keep going, because if it worked before chances are it can work again.

Please take care sweetie
if it's ok

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Deep Blue. This really helped me relax about it a little and think of it as a useful activity. Maybe I needed to do this to push forward. 

[Kizzie]

Hey Phoebes, it sounds to me like maybe you are just ready to have another up close and personal look at your trauma and writing it out is part of that and your healing process.  We have a guest on the blog right now Matt Carey who wrote a book about his experiences of healing from CSA and in his blog article describes the process of confronting his past square on (http://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/).

Based on what he wrote my suggestion FWIW is to take it slowly so you don't become overwhelmed.  If you read Matt's article it took a lot out of him during the process. Maybe you could plan a rest day or day out doing something in between days you write?

Just my thoughts of course. 

[Phoebes]

Thanks, Kizzie! I hadn't seen the blog section, and it looks like a lot of good reading there. I will take breaks. And I've been delving into art as well.

[Deep Blue]

Hey phoebes
I agree with Kizzie.  If you get overwhelmed, be sure to take breaks.  If things bubbling up are too much... be gentle with yourself and back away for a bit. Take good care 

[sanmagic7]

i'm not a fan of those generic platitudes.  i had a lot of them going thru 12-step programs (let go and let god, if you don't go to meetings don't ask why you relapsed, etc.) and found that some of them just don't fit.  like you asking if feeling the pain is holding a grudge - personally, i think feeling the pain is just that, and it has nothing to do with holding anything.  just my opinion.

one saying that did help, still does, is 'one day at a time'.  like kizzie and deep blue remarked, go slowly, just make it thru today and let tomorrow take care of itself.  i also think that when those sayings start to confuse us, it's a sign that it's something that doesn't fit, even tho we try to make it do so.   

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok phoebes?  i'm glad you're writing.  it's something that has been really beneficial to me, and i hope so for you as well.   love and hugs, sweetie.

[Phoebes]

one saying that did help, still does, is 'one day at a time'.  like kizzie and deep blue remarked, go slowly, just make it thru today and let tomorrow take care of itself.  i also think that when those sayings start to confuse us, it's a sign that it's something that doesn't fit, even tho we try to make it do so.   

That's a great way to look at it. I have driven myself crazy trying to "think right" about things. Even trying to get to the point where I could be around my Nm and not be affected. The more I reflect, the more I'm not sure that could be possible. It's worse than I ever thought! I think most thoughts that can be make into a meme are simply not complex enough to describe the issue. They are for "normal" people without this particular problem. I keep trying to simplify it down to just forgive, or just love, or just think of it as hurt people hurt people (one Nm used against ME when I went NC.) I think I'm just trying to do those things for myself first. And be in the moment. One day, one hour and second at a time.

I spent a couple of years in 12 step so I'm familiar with all the saying, like you said. I have always hung on to the one day at a time thought when things get rough. It's really important to stay in the now, I find. But even though all these thoughts and memories are based in the past (and as Nm would accuse, I'm "holding on to the past." -how convenient for her), pain and trauma doesn't just disappear because it's "in the past", especially when your abuser keeps bringing it up in the present for the purpose of gaslighting, minimizing, or illustrating a new narrative where nothing of the sort happened. I'm trying to forgive myself for spending YEARS (ALL the years) trying to sort this all out and be able to maintain a relationship with her. I know she's sick, and I know why, but that's no reason to keep hurting myself by going along with it.

I just saw the Mr. Roger's documentary- what would mr. rogers do? He was like my dad growing up. I didn't realize he had a lot of pain, too. Maybe not abuse, I don't know. But he found a way to heal and share and help others through his creativity.

[Deep Blue]

Healing through creativity is wonderful If you learn how to harness it.  Do you draw phoebes?

I write poetry, bake, sculpt pumpkins, and even cake decorate.

Much love to you sweetie

[sanmagic7]

i completely agree with you that the pain and aftereffects of trauma don't necessarily go away just cuz the trauma isn't happening right now.  i do not believe that we 'hang onto the past' in that sense.  my hub, a valiant 12-stepper, was very fond of telling me to 'let go and let god', and i was very fond of telling him 'don't you think i would if i could?  do you think i hang onto this cuz it makes me feel good?'

yeah, those who don't experience trying to cope with this beast just don't understand.  with their best intentions they may repeat these platitudes hoping to give us a light at the end of the tunnel, but to me it somehow darkens it because of the frustration i always felt at not being able to find a reality for me within them.

and, when the abusers fling those types of platitudes at us, it ticks me off, because i know that they're simply trying to get us to exonerate them from what they've done.  no, no, and no.   i've had enough of that in my life, thank you very much.  (i use the word 'thank' here, when i really mean the f bomb).  grrrrr!!! 

it sounds like you're coming to some mighty weighty realizations for yourself, phoebes.  go slow so you don't get overwhelmed.   absorb it slowly, let one piece settle before you tackle the other, if you can.  above all, i hope you can take care of yourself as well as possible.   realizing this stuff can take its own toll on us.

sending love and a hug filled with clarity and much self-care.

[Phoebes]

Deep- I do enjoy making art although I haven't done it in about 5 years. I'm trying to take some time now to fiddle and get back into making things. Painting mostly, and mosaic are things I really like. Art is one of those things that I was criticized about wanting to do, minimized and not accepted. It's something I've struggled with, and I think in a sense I "gave up" without knowing it. I just got tired of it being sort of a frustration. I've had time to become a prolific and well-established artist, and the ability, but I didn't, and I'm mad at myself because of it. It's because of this I feel like Nm "won." So, now I'm just starting over with play and nothing serious or whatever. Art should just be a joy, not a burden. I would love to turn it around and it be something that can help heal me and maybe help others with that.

San-omg, my Nm has hurled so many of these things at me throughout life, and unfortunately it caused a LOT of cognitive dissonance. I actually believed her in a sense and went along with it, only to be very frustrated on the inside. In my 20's I would say I had rage inside, although I never showed it. I don't feel that anymore, but nothing can bring up anger faster than someone dismissing my pain. I don't want to go around in pain and devoid of feeling whole anymore. I just don't know how to fully get there. When my Nm and I had the "conversation" that let me know I could not go back, and basically had no choice but NC, it was like a part of me was amputated. And now I feel like, maybe I became whole for once and just didn't know it. Maybe amputating the abuse was the key to moving forward.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement! You help tremendously! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, phoebes,

amputating things can leave us more whole than before.  i had cancer 'amputated' last year, didn't realize how carrying that around with me for 10 yrs. was making me sicker and sicker.  i'm still healing from the surgery, but my physical health has come a long way to the good since then.

so, yeah, eliminating the poison from our lives, in whatever shape or form that takes, can be not only freeing, but life-saving.  you did a good thing for yourself, but just like my healing, it may take a while.  be patient with yourself, accept that you'll have both good and bad days with this, but as the healing progresses, the good days will far outweigh the bad and you'll begin feeling more like your true self.

keep taking care of you.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

[Phoebes]

 

I sure am glad you found and got the cancer removed and are healing! That is good to hear!