ch. 4 -- around the next corner

[Deep Blue]

So glad it went well with the exclusive mr.     wishing you a peaceful rest

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, deep blue.  i do think i'm returning to a bit more of the 'normal' routine.  sometimes it's difficult to figure out just how much this can affect me.   

it does feel good to have my routine back.  i need the rest more than i knew just to get back on kilter. 

that normalcy, along with the mr. are my 2 major concerns right now.  i have to admit that i've been feeling emotionally more stable in general lately.  i don't know for sure how much of that is a lack of emotions - that's still difficult for me to determine.

my d and i were watching a sitcom called 'the goldbergs', about a 'smother' mother who loves her kids too much at times.  we find it quite funny.  i'd mentioned that my own mother lived for her kids as well - she hated when school vacations came to an end and we wouldn't be at home all day.  in the sitcom, the mom is very much into kissing and hugging her kids (to their embarrassment), but my d pointed out that the sitcom mom was very physically involved with her kids, while it seemed like my mother just stood and watched.

i suddenly realized that she was exactly right.  the only touching i got from her was the occasional spanking, but hugs, other loving touches were entirely missing.  i've often felt that i have been touch deprived, even to the point that i'd have sex with someone just for the touch it provided.

another thing i did when i was drinking was to throw my arm around my friends at the bar.   my narc t told me that i did that because i was trying to provide something missing for them, (which she made to seem like that was a bad thing), but it just wasn't true.  i figured out later that it was a way to get happy touch for myself.

now i hug most everyone, even strangers when we're introduced.  i crave touch to this day.  i don't know that i'll ever get enough.  i think it's one of those bottomless pits that could never be filled no matter how much touching i'd receive.  my d only tolerates just so much, then she finds it uncomfy - but i think a lot of that is because she's told me that during our family madness, she always stayed as far away, didn't want attention, from us because she knew what we were going thru with her sister.

i do hug her spontaneously several times a day because i know that hugs are good for us physiologically by releasing endorphins and such, sending feel-good hormones throughout our system.  i do it for her, but also for myself.  she's wary of it with others, so is more isolated in that respect than i am.

at any rate, it was a big realization for me.  i've already figured out that my parents weren't there for me emotionally, but now i have other memories as well on the physical distance that was prevalent, even in times of distress.  again, not being aware of emotions, it may also be connected to the tears that spring to my eyes when i see signs of caring embracing between 2 people.  i had been deprived and grieving that 'never was' my entire life.  dang, this crapola sucks.  still.

[Andyman73]

Oh San, I get it soooo much, I really  do!!! I have not once ever been in a relationship where there was a lot of loving touches like hugs and stuff. So I do get a little jelly when I see others who do have that.
I would love to have that. Maybe some day...

[Hope67]

 
Sending you some more hugs, SanMagic.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

andy, my darling brother, thank you for the hugs.  i can always feel the strength of them.  i hope you find that consistent loving touch someday, too.

hope, you little sweetie, thank you - i always appreciate your hugs so much.  they're just so lovely, like you.

happily, the mr. loves touch, and, even tho we can't be together very much, when we are there is a lot of touch.  i think he craves it as much as i do.  it's coming along swimmingly, actually, and we're finding ways to get around my d's discomfort with my sexuality.  so far, so good.

she started doing some energy work on me - just a start in my neck - and it's nearly overwhelming how much crapola i've been holding in my body.  it know it's been there for ages, too.  slowly, slowly, i think that with her help i'll be able to release the toxins.  don't know if i'll get to all of them, but at least we've started, and it's been a good thing.

all in all, feeling pretty good today.  it's pleasurable to feel like this.  i wish it for everyone.

[Blueberry]

happily, the mr. loves touch, and, even tho we can't be together very much, when we are there is a lot of touch.  i think he craves it as much as i do.  it's coming along swimmingly, actually, and we're finding ways to get around my d's discomfort with my sexuality.  so far, so good.
...
all in all, feeling pretty good today.  it's pleasurable to feel like this. 

for you! So glad you get to feel this way sometimes!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the cheers, blueberry.  it's so nice to have pos. feedback when i'm doing well rather than bitterness or envy.  boy, what a difference it makes.

i've discovered yet again how my damaged brain and background can get in the way of open communication in a relationship.  went another round with my d - she's very astute and can pick up on verbal nuances, hesitations, unsureness - anything less than straightforward.  so, we had another go-around yesterday where i couldn't get all the information needed out in one conversation, and we had to revisit it so i could add missing pieces.

it gets so frustrating, i felt so stupid.  i misinterpreted info she had given me, threw up defenses without even knowing it, had to back down once again and redo everything.  this was stuff that was about the mr. coming to visit at the end of next month and being able to stay over cuz she'll be gone overnight.  it ended up rather messy, me in tears, and just hating that i've been damaged to this extent.

she was kind and gentle with me (as was he when i told him about the change of plans) and noted that i do respond well to realizations (we went thru another topic a few weeks earlier) and have changed those things from before.  so, she believes that the idea of us talking this stuff out is beneficial to both of us and our relationship.

it's difficult cuz i have to reach down and drag those sticking points up to the surface with fear and trepidation as to what it might mean for our relationship - different than if i were working with a t.  happily, my d has been thru enough of her own therapy and changes that she is not judgmental, but she did express frustration that she gets the brunt of what others have done to me, and it's not fair.

i agreed with her.  i explained to her about amygdala hijacking, told her that for the most part i have no control over this stuff, but have hope that as time goes on w/o the stress and tension i was feeling before, these things will begin to minimize themselves because they'll discover they don't have to react in the same way.  it was quite emotional for both of us, difficult to have these conversations, but we're doing them. and i'm glad on one level, but honestly, it p's me off that this is even necessary, that i'm hurting people i care about.  that part sucks.

we walked to the store for ice cream later, and it was great. 

i also talked to the mr. this morning about some of it, and he responded better than i expected.  i feel like i'm more balanced now, which feels really good.  a little at a time . . .

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3roses - so very appreciated.  i love it, love you.

[Deep Blue]

I have so much love for you San.  I'm sorry you and your d got your wires crossed but glad it worked out.  What kind of ice cream did you end up getting?    I wouldn't mind some myself this evening.
to both you and your d

[sanmagic7]

deep blue, i just drank in your love.  thank you.  we got peanut butter with caramel swirl.  yummy.

too tired, too much emotional stuff.  my d's broken up with her ex, who was her business partner, so the business is gone and with it her dreams.  my hub got himself in more financial trouble, again, and i'm losing feelings for him.  the mr. is good, planning to see him at the end of the month.  the cat is sneezing, maybe allergies. 

too tired for more.  off to the porch for the rest of the day. 

[Blueberry]

 

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

my sweet and darling blueberry and sceal, thanks for the hugs.  i love them, love you, too.

it was good to take yesterday off from emotional stuff.  did some physical chores and that felt right.  also watched a ton of tennis.  a pretty relaxing day all over the place.

today won't be much different, but i think things have gotten to be in a better gear, so that feels good.  slowly, slowly these wheels turn at times.    i don't know what to think of my hub anymore - that's beginning to bother me.  i used to feel so bad for him. have lots of sympathy for his problems, but he keeps mucking up, and those tender feelings are simply dissipating.  just disappearing.  he's stuck, been stuck in a mindset for so long (quick fix/quick money kind of thing which eventually led to our demise) and never totally left his street mentality behind. 

it had changed to a point, but then stopped, and i ended up paying the price, both physically and emotionally.  he took care of me as best he could till he didn't anymore.  but i don't think we were ever partners.  i was either too sick and he was doing everything for me, or, in the end, he just went back to some of his old ways, like not talking plans of his over with me.  and it ended up disastrous.

so, i'm just writing all this out cuz it wants to get out of me, and this is the best place i know to put it.  i feel very sad about this, don't exactly know what to do.  i know that i am his main support system, but i also feel like i'm moving on and can't get much of a supportive dynamic moving toward him anymore.  i don't know.  it just doesn't feel good.

he's told me many times to do what i need to do to make myself feel better, even to get another man to be with, and if that happened he'd be very happy about it.  i don't know how true that is, altho it makes me feel less guilty about the mr. being in my life.   still, i can feel the tug of it, the push-pull of doing something that's not quite 'right'.  with these new feelings, tho, it's all hitting me differently.  pressure, stress, guilt - i'm just so glad i'm not with him anymore.  just the thought of that is horrible.

enough for today.  time to rest once more.  this crapola is exhausting once again.

[Three Roses]

i still can't physically relax.  that's kind of frustrating.  i've been tensed up (3roses called it 'armored up') for so long that i don't know how to unwind it. 

Honestly that's not my term, it's from Pete Walker. My book is out on loan so I can't check or quote my source but I'm sure it's from him.

I'm so happy you're sounding so happy in your new situation!