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[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I am so sorry to hear you've been feeling like that, and that you hurt yourself.  I think you are a precious person, and I hope that you'll keep yourself safe and I also hope that you'll be ok.  Sending you a big hug,  and hoping that you feel some of that curiosity again soon, as I know it's meaningful for you, and I really appreciate you being here - and I really hope that you are ok.
Take care,
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two.  I managed to let out much of the tears that I've been suppressing from hearing that. Sorry for worrying you. I don't know what came over me.

Without curiosity, I tend to resort to unhealthy methods of coping through things.

There are other back ups other than curiosity though. During it, I thought most of both how the people who would care about me feel, and try to earn back any curiosity I lost. But what surprised me the most was pride. I had too much pride in myself to admit defeat. Like i'd make myself look weak.

Defeat against what? Changing the world, of course. It's vague, I know. I'm working on more general skills like technical knowledge, emotional coping skills, and interpersonal skills for now, but the specifics come later. When trying to harm myself, I wondered why I wanted to attempt changing things.

Was it because I cared about people? Well, I really do care about people, even to painful amounts, but that's not the main reason. Why do I do then? Well, because it's entertaining. Not for any belief that such a far reaching goal could happen, but because the path towards it make things ripe for constant changes in life. Because as much as I like my quiet routines, I long for some thrill and risk in my life.

I wanted the type of thrill and risk that would change my and other's worldview on radical levels. It's not something external I want to make. What I want is a perspective --  a perspective that no one else has thought before, a perspective that feeds on my fear of its change by affecting every single area of my life.

I don't know how a quiet and peaceful bookworm like me can do something like that, and I don't know what it is. I was angry at something, but what? Angry at giving up on an idea, to such lengths that I haven't told anyone else but myself, or bothered acting on it.

All I know is there's a voice in my head and when I suggest my worries it says, "I don't give a ****."

I had pride. Too much pride I thought. But now I wondered if I needed that pride.

[DecimalRocket]

I needed a different reason for communicating my real self -- different from the usual reasons of connection.

I'm sure I need those two, but by doing that, I rely on other's approval of what I'm like. People define true connection by showing your true self, but in the end, it's not connection that satisfies me the most.

It's clarity. It's communicating so what others reflect on me allows myself to see myself and my ideas more clearly. It's the thrill and fear around understanding a part of myself and my worldview I haven't before, even a truth that I'd avoided for years and would leave me in tears. It matters more to me to discover myself than others discovering me.

After all, what I'm hiding the most aren't my feelings. While I make sure I don't go to the extreme of being overemotional, I make a pretty bad job of hiding basic emotions like excitement or sadness. What I hide are the reasons behind them -- the complexity of my thoughts behind them.

What I worry about the most is not if people would accept my feelings, but if I would trust my own thoughts and beliefs. It's sharing it so others can see to test myself if I'll still trust in myself even with the fear of others disrespecting my ideas without even saying a word to me. I wanted someone to trust in my own judgement for my own beliefs, but that's not what I needed.

What I needed was to trust myself more alone, and I don't always know how to do that.

[DecimalRocket]

Haha. You know . . . the lack of response is starting to maybe freak me out a little with my abandonment issues.Okay, maybe. . . not just a little.

Pleasedon'tabandonmeacknowledgemyexistenceplease.

[DecimalRocket]

I had a lot of progress in forgiving myself today, which my body decided to resist by making every muscle ache. Haha. Kind of had trouble sleeping yesterday because I had this idea that no response here means people will abandon me, and if they didn't abandon me yet, it's because they haven't read my recent entries of my growing madness.

Also, maybe I had possibly spent the idea in panic in one degree to another because of this. Mostly because the flashback is mysteriously more persistent today for some reason. Haha.

Maybe I'll just end journaling and hide forever.

I'm screwed.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm calm now. Alright. Maybe. But now I just feel like my own passion in life has been drained from me. At least being full of emotions to the point of tears or intense fear was interesting or even a little thrilling to watch in myself to observe why, but now I just feel . . . listless.

I'd often have a lot of excess nervous energy and I liked to pace when I reflected or worried, but now I'm just . . . unmoving.  Barely any curiosity to work as the usual buffer for unhealthy coping skills, so I just binged on chocolate.

Besides, the panic attacks yesterday and today lost their interesting points. It was just the same old fears, the same old ways of handling it, and the same old results. My own growing self-forgiveness today wasn't just born out of love and support, but my own boredom.

To * if forgiving myself makes sense or not. It's something novel and different to experience.

[sanmagic7]

 

[DecimalRocket]

  San. Sometimes just little things like that make a world of difference.

.....

I remember when I was young and other students were pairing up for an assignment, I'll nearly always be the last to be paired up. Either people didn't like me, or even if there were people who did, they weren't close enough friends. Another memory was of my best friend during 1st grade telling me that she just wished I was normal, and I remember thinking I didn't know how.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm still disgusted with myself today because some people certainly were back then. I didn't know I had a social disability then, and while I'm sure I wasn't the picture perfect example of a gentle and likable soul, much of it wasn't my fault. While my social skills aren't as bad that I would be so socially excluded anymore, I'm still a little socially clumsy. The real world isn't as direct and slow paced as OOTS is with communicating.

I wasn't as self-aware as a kid, but I must have felt a deep loneliness to being excluded. I've spent hours trying to figure out and make guesses about why I was disliked so much, but I couldn't. I internalized that no matter how much I figure out about things socially, there'll always be a reason on why I was worthless that I just wasn't aware of yet. I still think that way sometimes. I've attracted some people who stuck around and defended me, but my pride's bruised. Why couldn't I defend myself?

In tv shows and movies, aspies are usually painted in a way that they hold every common symptom of it, but I don't have to tick each of the boxes to be diagnosed as one.I lack the usual monotone voice that comes along with it, and my own quiet friendliness has its own charm, once I got rid of some of the . . . other things I did that weren't a good idea. It makes up for how I say it to make me look well intentioned enough, even when I can be uhh. . . . clueless on what I say.

I think the teenager part of me wishes I could come off more as the charismatic or cool mysterious guy, but I guess I can settle for a more straightforward lovable nerd. 

[berceuse]

I remember when I was young and other students were pairing up for an assignment, I'll nearly always be the last to be paired up. Either people didn't like me, or even if there were people who did, they weren't close enough friends.

Hello Decimal,
I used to experience the same thing, especially in PE classes when I was young. Even the PE teachers along with some other teachers were thinking I have some kind of problem. I know how much being left out hurts especially when you are that young.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm still disgusted with myself today because some people certainly were back then.

Also, familiar feelings.  if you want.

[Sceal]

Hi Rocket,

I was listening to a podcast called "Grownups read things they wrote as kids", they have a bunch of episodes. It's people standing on a stage infront of a room full of strangers reading from their diaries from when they were children, youths, teenagers and early 20ies. (I think the rule of thumb is that the thing they read has to be atleast 10 years old, and from a different time in their life). It's awkward, funny, heartbreaking, important and so very honest. It made me feel like maybe I'm not so different from people afterall. It's just that it expresses itself in a different way. And I mean the me-me, not the trauma me.

And I had a thought, perhaps it would be helpful, or interessting for you to listen to some of their stories. They might have been written a long time ago - but many of them were written in the age that you are in now.
Just a thought!

[sanmagic7]

you know, as i've discovered more of my limitations re: lack of emotions and also social awkwardness, how that played a part in my parenting especially, i wish i could've been different.  badly, i wish that.  sometimes i still wish that today.  it's wreaked havoc with my mind in some ways. 

guilt, shame, sadness at not being able to enjoy being a mother, having no joy with my babies,  feeling that they were a chore and a responsibility rather than a blessing as i've heard so many people say.  feeling confused for most of my life cuz there were so many social interactions that i just didn't 'get'.

so, i totally relate to the feeling of 'not knowing how' on a lot of levels.  i didn't know how, didn't have some innate something that clicked like it did for others.  i knew i didn't want to be the same kind of mom to my kids as my mom was to me, but i didn't know how to do it differently, even after reading all i could find about it.  it never resonated with me.

why couldn't you defend yourself?  how can you do something you don't know about, don't comprehend, or don't know what it is?  i'm finding out more and more that we really did do the best we could with our experience and limitations.  i guess part of this whole healing journey is accepting those parts of ourselves as well.  it was what it was.

love and a big warm hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

  for all.

Hi Ber, thanks for relating to me. 

Sceal, I listened to some of the podcast and you were right in that it was nice to see how other people have grown up. Though it has its limits in finding things I'm common with since I'm not exactly a normal teenager, but that's alright. Haha. Too many old people media references I don't get. 

San, I still feel guilty too much about it, but slowly I get less hard on myself. Besides, surprisingly with the goal of forming healthy relationships, I do a lot better with sheer effort and curiosity with a social disability than some neurotypical people who make no effort . . . like abusers. I've earned enough pride in myself that next time, I'll make sure I'll defend myself.

[DecimalRocket]

I feel disgusted with my own body.

It's not that I'm fat. I'm a little soft in the belly, yes, and my BMI says I'm on the boundary between normal weight and overweight, but not really.

What disgusts me is how my body parts don't shift according to the gender mood I have in a moment. My increased social awareness is mostly a good thing, but it also makes me aware of how others see me through the lens of the gender my body shows.

My sis, J.A, (Who's not really my sister but my housekeeper. It's just a cultural norm here to call people like family.) was exercising. I came up to her and followed her exercises, and we both had fun and laughed through it, but I felt disgusted at the end. I usually dealt with my own gender dysphoria through moving my focus from my body towards something more intellectual, and it actually often works, but to be more fully grounded with the physical me . . . ugh. 

I don't think the physical part of my recovery will be as easy. Having flashbacks of feeling these types of feelings as a kid doesn't help either. Emotional neglect makes differences that could be manageable worse. Little DR just wants to be a he, a she or a "they" sometimes, you know? My dysphoria is mild and feels like a slight inconvenience most of the time, but with certain triggers, it's something . . . more.

I laugh excitedly whenever someone calls me the gender neutral pronoun of "they" around here, though I find it interesting that people online think I'm a he more than a she. Wonder why? I don't understand why I have and haven't chosen these feelings, but it's there. But the feelings I remember most now is off little DR looking at their body, and being confused about a disgust they were too young to comprehend.

[sanmagic7]

hopefully, d.r., as you continue to grow and experience life, some of your gender issues will become less disgusting to you and more acceptable.  unfortunately, i can't relate on a personal level.  if someone on the forum can relate, perhaps they can be of more help with this.  or, how about your t?  has this subject ever come up, discussed, explored?    or maybe you could get referred to someone who has more experience with this.

even tho i don't have body/gender issues, i can sure relate to body shame/disgust issues.   it's not fun and very difficult to combat when society wants you to be or look a certain way.  so, we just struggle on as best we can.  love and hugs, sweetie.