Memorex recovery jounral

[memorex]

The hugs are appreciated. Im sorry to hear youre going through such things too. But I do feel relieved to not be alone and have the resources and kindness of this forum.



Entry for Saturday
Yesterday I eventually called the Samaritans again, though I was confused about my feelings. Sounded like a relatively young woman, which kind of made me uncomfortable as I prefer talking to an older woman for some reason.

But the time flew by, and she was quite insightful, very caring and sensitive, and we even had a bit of a laugh later on.
I felt a lot better for it. I felt some relief and also realised a lot of things later on.

For one, I realised how hard this search for a therapist is for me-that its really upset me, with all the pitfalls, raised hopes and bad experiences I've had, and how draining it is, then having to start all over again and search profiles, check their qualifications, find a picture to see how you feel, call them, and so on and so on, only for them to suddenly not return your calls, or pull out, or say they are busy until next year, or they charge £100 per session, or offer sessions at your home but their qualifications arent as they claimed (warning sign!-and yet I've actually seen that) and so on.

I feel I need something with less high stakes for a bit. To stop looking for someone who I hope will be someone I can work with long term and able to work with deep level things, as the search is just too exhausting right now.

So I think maybe for a few weeks Im gonna just try to find a basic counsellor who I can have a conversation with, who is reasonably empathetic, and who I know I wont need to go into the deepest stuff with, but can just vent or tell of my pain or struggling too.

Hopefully THAT wont be so hard to find at a price level I can afford. At least then hopefully that may give me a little support for a time and give me enough room to get some strength back.


Possible trigger warning------

On the flipside of things, however, yesterday, perhaps due to the realisations of many things, I had another memory return to me regarding inappropriate sexual boundaries. I wont go into it, I dont want to right now-but it is very confusing and difficult for me.

Of course the memory isnt clear cut, typically-but its at least an instance of something that is troubling to me, with confusing emotions, and the knowledge that I was just a very young child and couldnt have been expected to know any better or different.

At worst, it is a clear cut smoking gun regarding sexual abuse.

I feel like the memory has more to come yet-and that scares me. Not to mention other potential memories that may pop up.

But its too early to say emotionally how I feel right now. Ive always had a part of me that would love to have a smoking gun clear cut piece of knowledge, because it would validate everything I have felt and somehow known for so long. On the other hand, obviously I dont want to have had those experiences. I hope that it is more simply just that boundaries were innapropriate due to terrible parenting.

Anyway;

Overall, Im a bit wary and fearful, because of the returning memories, and that does make me want a long term highly skilled therapist of some kind as a safety net to help me now, to make sense of all this, to get all such memories out, and start to move on.

But much as I wish that could be so, I guess the reality right now is I am too tired for that. So hopefully the short term plan I have is what I need and will give me some energy and soothing. I suddenly feel really tired as I type.

[memorex]

just off phone after trying to make initial inquiries with another 'therapist';

me; Hi, saw your listing on the web, just wondered if ok to ask a couple of things?

Her; "(huge sigh) I dont normally work on sundays, go on....."

Me; "er, ok(!)... could you tell me your qualifications?"

Her;"Well theyre on the site".

....Long silence as I wit for her to say more....

Me; "Erm, they arent unfortunately, thats why Im asking...?"

Her;"well its on the site".

me; (wondering why she doesnt just say them), er, Im looking at the page in front of me and using search tools but it doesnt say anything unfortunately, Im quite sure of that..."

her; "(long pause)....fine, Ive got a diploma in therapy..."

Me; (waiting for her to list more)...

Her;  (silence)...

Me "er, okay.... ...could you tell me your age, roughly, as i would prefer to work with someone older than myself?"

Her; ....(Long silence)... "I think you can tell from the picture"

Me; "Sorry, Im not good at that sort of thing-perhaps you could just say what decade of age you are in instead?"

Her; "How old are YOU.......?"


...and so on for a few more minutes until I tell her I'll think about it. Why didn't I just say I find this a really peculiar and inappropriate manner for someone who claims to be offering to help people? And why are there so many useless people out there being allowed to practice who come across like they need help themselves? Whats the point in all these stupid regulatory bodies when nobody does actual regulating???

GRRRRR!!! 

God Im finding all this so depressing and defeating.

[sanmagic7]

that phone conversation just sounded weird - i wouldn't give her a second thought.  how off-putting she was.

i'm with you on the lack of good helpers out there, memorex.  it just sucks.

love and hugs to you.

[memorex]

yeah it took me the better part of a day unfortunately, but eventually I got over it.

Entry for monday;

crazy infuriating time at doctors when went to pick up prescription. too tiring to go into but despite me being crystal clear and asking them to double check and clarify, they STILL gave me the wrong brand of pills, then the wrong prescription, then claimed I wasnt due any medication (despite earlier handing it to me), then kept me on the phone for a half hour, then treated me like dirt and literally ignored me when I said I wanted to make an official complaint, then openly said to my face "its YOUR fault". All this also meant I had to walk a half hour in the rain, and had to abandon a trip round town because by the time they got things right everywhere had closed.

total douchebags. There was an older women there who was a bit more reasonable and said they were young trainees, but as I pointed out, a mistake is one thing, but to be rude about it, blame me, ignore me (oh, almost forgot-they openly laughed at me too when I complained) is utterly unacceptable. 

Just as well I dont suffer from social anxiety and fear humiliation... oh wait, I do....

Im glad I stood up for myself in public, something I would have felt more self conscious about before, but it did cost me and I am really stressed the next day sadly.

Just been having a panic attack. Fears may be dying-in this instance, fear its a heart attack.

Never had one. Am in okay-ish health physically, but a bunch of stress plus some weird pains in my chest and off we go with these fears....

I even recall that I get pains like this when I sleep in a bad position with arms tightly crossed. Which I do when Im stressed. I even recall it goes away when I sleep on my back for a time to give the muscles time to relax.

But here I am, knowing all that, yet with a fear still of "what if?". What if?"

I guess im just really tired after the recent events.

Hoping to head back to town today to do what couldnt yesterday. Trying out a therapist tomorrow

Very nervous about that. This time a psychoanalyst. So bit concerned she'll dig really deep but be really cold, relatively speaking.

I need to go slow after all I've been through, and with someone with empathy and tact. Ah, we'll see....

[Hope67]

Just wanted to say that I hope it goes ok tomorrow with your new T - and that you've had a tough time at the chemist today - well done for standing up for yourself though - you were brave!

to you, if that's ok, Memorex.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

o memorex, pills and prescriptions and ignorant people behind the counter.  what a mix of gluck.  it's so frustrating.  i feel for you.  glad you could stand up for yourself, tho.  very well done.

and all we can do is keep on keepin' on.  right beside you on that.  love and hugs.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[memorex]

thanks for all the hugs everyone. Very much appreciated. 

[memorex]

Been a painful few days. Which sort of confuses me.

Therapist was a psychoanalyst, which may have been a mistake for me. She was just pretty much silent throughout,barely saying anything in reaction to what I said.

Not what I needed right then. I said the long silences were making me uncomfortable. No change.

Now the weird thing is that when I got back, I suddenly realized I had the timescale on some events over the past few years wrong.

As a result, I had been feeling I was failing and getting nowhere with change. The realisation possessed me, and I started figuring out on pen and paper how long it had been since my financial situation had eased, how long since I had had to cut off my dad, and so on.

It totally stunned me. Things I thought were four years ago happened one and a half years ago. My point is; I realised that a) I had achieved a lot given that it had only been a while since certain things happened, and I was not actually "failing" as I had feared.

...and b) I realised that no wonder I feel so raw, because it still had not been so long since having to make painful life changing decisions regarding my FOO and so on. Before that I had thought I was not processing or 'successfuly' grieving and instead getting hung up and stuck. But now I realised that it was normal to feel as I had since its all still so raw and not that long ago.

I felt great for a time-literally stunned too to realise some of these things.

Now, the downside to that....

I realised how painful I felt about my FOO. So for whatever reason, my heart feels broken regarding my dad lately. I dont know why. I hate it too, as I know how uncaring and unkind he always was to me. I feel like a dog who wants its owner even though that owner always mistreats them.-why do I hurt over someone who hurts me so much?

The other painful thing was I realised that it HAD been a long time since I was last in a serious relationship, or had seen her. That was the only thing that had been longer ago than I thought.  Thats a very weird one.

I miss her in some ways, but again, also hate the thought of how things actually were with her.

Heck-just realised. I guess its probably the pain from my dad that is making me want something that is independent, ie, the girl from my last serious relationship....

Anyway. The day after, I felt SO sensitive. There was a delivery guy who dropped off my grocery shopping to my front door, who clearly had autism or some kind of developmental disability, and was that kind of over cheerily friendly you sometimes see. I got talking with him a little, and he mentioned he used to work as a garbage man..."but had to quit because everyone there bullied me so much about my problems".

It absolutely broke my heart. I swear I nearly broke down in tears right there and then. Being bullied for his disability by everyone when he was just trying to live and better himself. But humiliated just because he looks and acts differently. Im shedding some tears even now. 

So as you can see. Im feeling very raw and tearful.

On the upside, I finally got my music software working again, so hopefully in time can get back to some music making. I had a really good song come to me the other day. Have to admit I hate the recording process though. Its so slow and tortuous. The best bit is the initial moment of inspiration when the idea first comes to you. You wish you could somehow magically get THAT onto tape. By the time its been actually done it never sounds as good as the original idea you had.

I had also hoped to create a small recording area in my home, as there is a large wardrobe I thought would do. I measured it all up yesterday, but was really quite gutted to find how much work it would be to soundproof it, how complicated, and how small the resulting area would be.

Im really quite gutted by that. I was excited by the thought of it. I always worry about the thought of my neighbours hearing me singing. I've done ok in bands before, toured, etc. But I want to try new things vocally. I want to push my voice and see what I can do, and that means making mistakes. My past as a child is full of being humiliated for how I am, so the thought of people hearing me make vocal mistakes is horrifying to me. I love singing well though. When I hear myself as I sing and know its something pretty good.

But as I say, I'd like to see what else I can do, try and see if I've a Dave Grohl growl inside of me! That means much more volume.

I just dont know that I can face the hassle of the recording area. But I also hate the thought of NOT having it to safely play with and experiment with. Even now the thought excites me.

Anyway-I feel tired, emotional, stuck, with many ambitions but no energy to do them. I'd like to call the Samaritans just to talk to someone (not suicidal or anything), but for some reason feel afraid to.

[Hope67]

Hi Memorex,
I found what you wrote today very thought provoking in many ways, and felt resonance with it - especially the part when you wrote about time scales and how long time has been, and how you've discovered that - I'm glad you got through your session with your T ok, and I thought it sounded like it was powerful in terms of how much you have processed and thought through since. 

I hope you're able to rest, and I saw many positives in what you wrote - I really hope you get to express your singing talents in the way you want to as well.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

It's crazy how our minds can confuse so much of the past. Survivors don't think of the past in chronological order. They remember it in disorganized bits, and it's up to them to somehow put broken glass pieces back together. It's tough and hard. I know. So I'm standing by you, Memorex.

You hold so much kindness over things, like the bird you worried about before and the delivery man you met. It's a wonderful thing, and while I don't think I'm as compassionate as you and can hold a certain distance, I have instances where that distance drops and things break my heart. I'm sorry for what happened to you and that nice man.

It's a great thing to have a passion. Lots of us here were pressured to not follow our passions, so I'm glad you found yours in music. I'm no expert on it and I don't think I match your skills, but I appreciate how these passionate creators can tug on my emotional perspective in life. Even without words.

Thank you for sharing this with us, Memorex. Thank you.

[memorex]

Im moved by both your comments,. Im just so emotional lately. Or maybe I always was but shut it away because I was always shamed for it. Anyway, thank you, sincerely. If any of what I write means something to you personally too, then it means a lot to me. It really does.

As for today, my emotions just feel so raw right now that its shutting me off from doing things I need to like trying to socialise. Im always afraid people wont like me, so I perform and try  to be funny or clever. And its exhausting. I struggle to just be myself. I dont even know what that is anyway.

I cant honestly say I feel the analyst I tried last week brought me anything but pain; the realisations i had were, if anything, a defence mechanism against her negative and silent attitude towards my situation. She said a person "needs to have friends and support being embarking on analysis". She may be right, I dont know, but it made me feel totally stuck-how can I get friends when my social anxiety is an issue/how can I change my social anxiety through analysis when I am supposed to have friends to GET that analysis?

So I found myself, later on at home, defending myself in a way. And I have fears that what i'm doing is inadequate. Anyway, thats when the realisations about timescales came to me and helped me feel better for a while.

Im just trying a regular standard counsellor next week. I dont want to be 'examined' or interrogated about my past right now. I just want to have a more human conversation with someone who shows a bit of empathy, about what Im going through, in a private, safe, confidential place.

But, heck, I have to admit, I feel SO lonely right now. I guess I want to feel Im being myself, and be around others who accept me as that and still like or care for me.

But such a simple thing is so complicated. Due to social anxiety. Due to not knowing how to be myself or who I am yet. Due to issues of self worth. And so on. But to solve those things will take a lot.  I WISH I could skip those parts and get to the bit where I can just call friends and relax around them and have a laugh. Sadly, I know that the change, or the learning, IS the painful journey, and the mistakes that will have to be made to get me to that point. And I dread all the heartache, loneliness and pain that will entail.

[Hope67]

Im always afraid people wont like me, so I perform and try  to be funny or clever. And its exhausting. I struggle to just be myself. I dont even know what that is anyway.

Hi Memorex,
Yes I do relate to things you've written, and this is something that also resonates with me - where you mention about trying to perform and trying to be funny or clever, and how exhausting that is - I have also done that - both as a small child and as an adult, or if I've not been 'funny or clever' then I've tried to show a 'shiny' side of myself, and kept the more depressed and anxious side hidden.  Yet, like you said, I also don't really know what 'being myself' truely is. 

When you wrote about your Analyst Therapist, I have to say I felt a bit angry, because I felt like she/he should have spoken to you, given you something - any reflection or help - and yet didn't.  I guess it's the way analysts would be - but I think I would feel similarly to you, I'd want more reaction, more 'contact' that is meaningful.

Facing a "negative and silent attitude" is soul-destroying, or at least that is what it would feel like to me, I think. 

I hope your 'regular standard counsellor' will be a better experience.  I really do. 

I hope you don't mind my writing so much here, but you mentioned feeling so lonely right now, and I wanted you to know that I feel sure that many people read your Journal, including me, and that you're not alone, even though sometimes it can feel that way - I know that feeling - I think it's possible to feel lonely in a room full of people - it's tough when you feel lonely. 

Anyway, wishing you the best with it all.

Hope 

[memorex]

Hope
I think you are aptly named. Thank you for your comments; no I really dont mind them-I welcome them. It means a lot to me. And it does make me feel a little less lonely to read. They bring some insight too. The 'Shiny' side of us is a great phrase. That's what it has always felt like. It pains me that my FOO and some others didnt want to accept the whole of me. Im not perfect, but I know I have good qualities. But some days thats not how I feel, and I wish they could love enough, (or be human enough) to accept that.

In a weird way Im sad to see your comments too-because it means you know how difficult things can be too, and have had pain yourself. I wish that weren't so.

[memorex]

I dont understand why its so hard to just find someone, like a counsellor/therapist/etc to talk to, who wont try to "fix" you, or sit there in silence, but can just be a bit human. Someone to just listen, be with you, in a safe, confidential, empathic way, so you can both just explore your feelings and, when you are ready,  your past too.

But instead theres always so much of an agenda from the other person. An attempt to interpret perhaps, or to try to point out what they think is something; and dont get me wrong, I totally agree those things are important-but in their own time and place.

But I really believe there is a high value in just the basic process of unburdening yourself with another, and sharing and exploring those emotions with someone who has experience of others' pain and hardship, who can be empathic.  I believe that this is a vital step towards healing the past, and that without it, for many, it can be too painful to 'skip' this step and go straight to having the other person giving you their spin on what you should or shoudln't be doing.

It seems The Samaritans do something a bit like this, but of course, if you want to speak to them more than once, you have to go through your whole back story EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And obviously, they have a lower level of training, and its not face to face, so you lose a lot, and communication is harder.

All I want is a person to talk to in this way. Why is that SO hard to find? Its crazy.

I spoke to another potential therapist on the phone about a first session-but no, they 'dont do that' as they are 'person centred', and 'would want to focus on what THEY felt was important'.

'But', I said, 'I thought you said 'person centred' means the session is 'client led', so I would be able to talk about what I felt able to talk about?' 'And', I followed, 'you mentioned you would never try to 'fix' someone, because you take the belief that 'you arent the expert on a client, its the clients that are the expert on themselves'...?

'Well', she said, 'client led, and 'person centred' means the client picks the starting place. But then I take it from there and what *I* consider important, and what *I* consider needs focusing on and changing....'



It seems there's so much double talk and hypocritical gobbledygook. Trying to navigate it all in order to discover what you need feels impossible. And dont forget-I studied the thing myself and have some qualifications! But it seems so many people have just taken things and spun them into whatever they want them to mean. Thats about the third person centred therapist I've spoken to thats said the same things now. Client led sessions/person centred/no fixing people, versus the reality that THEY decide whats talked about/they try to point out things what needs changing (fixing?!)/and so on.

Client centred was developed as an alternative to the traditional psychodynamic approach of patients seen as needing changing, therapists being seen as the experts, and those power dynamics-yet it seems to me all they've done is change the terminology to some nicer sounding words, stuck a pretty new bow on top, and carried on as before!


I submitted a photo to my first competition today. Its very small and low level, but its the first time I've put forward one of my photos. Yes, I totally changed the subject, but I had to. I think I'd have cried if I'd not focused on something more positive instead.


I just genuinely dont get how there doesnt seem to be something out there of the kind I mention Im looking for. Am I missing something? Is there a whole profession dedicated to this that has somehow passed me by? In some secret version of the phone book perhaps? Im only sort of joking.... I really just dont get it.