Out of the Storm

Okay. Im nervous about doing this. Thought about it before.
Right, 42 years old, male, got a psychology qualification about 8 years back which opened my eyes, comfirmed to me all the things I thought about the way my family had treated me and the problems I felt in my life.

Began therapy work, had a really bad experience with the first one but I had no understanding of how things worked, and through pushing myself too hard and blind loyalty, and fear of having to face someone new, I stayed on.

After a time I began to realize it couldnt continue, The being lied to by my therapist and so on.

Tried someone else, been with them for a year, but from the start have felt they didnt have the tools needed-but that they were at least kinder and more sincere than the last one. I knew I'd probably have to continue my search though.

And thats where I am at now. Another painful search, another painful realisation that the work with my current therapist is no longer beneficial to me. The previous session I had with her the other week has taken me days of crying and depression to cope with after she put her foot in it and clumsily made a stupid comment right when I had just revealed to her very painful sensitive feelings.

But I dont yet know who I can try next, as its a limited selection where I am due to money, travel time, and there being a LOT of really extreme unregulated kooks in my area.

I've felt generally that *I* am the one who has enabled my greatest progress, not any therapist, via books like those from Pete Walker, journalling, boards like this, and general realisations and experience. Despite all the money, time and energy with therapists, I have never yet found one that felt like they really brought something to the table of huge value.

So the search continues.

As for me, you could call it a common background. My FOO were horrible to me and always treated me notably worse than my siblings. My siblings themselves physically and emotionally bullied me and humiliated me, so I carry a lot of shame. My parents didnt really stop them and often laughed along with them, at key points of my young life, that even to this day, make simple life very hard.

*Physical trigger warning*

I nearly died thanks to an accident that was due to the lack of parental care, neglect meaning that at a young age and at one specific moment, I was again humiliated by my siblings, then abandoned by my mother (the cause of the most excessive behavior to me), then alone, aged just three, had the accident and nearly died. Then had social humiliation when I was rescued by a stranger. And further social humiliation when my mother used the social attention the event got for herself despite it traumatising me.

*sexual boundary trigger warning*

My sister, from a very young age, did inappropriate sexual things to me-not the most extreme things, but any decent parent who had been doing their job would have stopped things.

Worse still-and the most hardest for me to write or even think of at all in any way, motheralso did things that were less extreme, but also physically really inappropriate. I have never known if this happened due to deliberate perversion by her, or whether it was due to utter naivete and stupidity. Or even that it was done to her as a kid so she thought it was normal. But it wasnt. And it has left me feeling very uncomfortable about psychical intimacy and sex.  Sometimes my sister joined in, as a "game". This level of stuff wasnt extreme, but it was clearly still inappropriate, and often left me crying despite trying to physically stop them.

Worse still, I have begun getting some possible returning memories that Im not sure about. Memories involving more game type stuff where I was too young to know any better and may have been taken advantage of in really extreme, clear cut sexual abuse ways by my mother. I dont know of course how much to trust some of those 'memories'. Either way, my childhood was very messed up.

My dad was basically absent, if not physically then emotionally. And all of them treated me like the puppies that get abandoned at christmas. Brief attention in a superficial way when I was smiling, but the moment I stopped being a sweet puppy and happy, I got punished, humiliated, shut out, and abandoned. Shamed for ANY of the many human feelings humans are meant to have. So I struggle now to cope with my emotions.

That was one thing I did get a bit from this last therapist; help with paying more attention to my emotions, and realising they are important. But its still early days for me there.

So-as for now? I cant work because all my past has left me with extreme social anxiety. I currently have no friends as the last couple suddenly abandoned me without giving me a chance to ask why, or explain things, or ask what was wrong. It is possible they had unrequited feelings of love for me, but I had tried discussing that with them before and explaining I just didnt feel the same romantic things back, and just needed a friend. They had both assured me for years that they no longer felt that way, but I dont know.

I go to a couple of things that are sort of support groups. I have tried to find more. But for a straight male of my age in my town, with cptsd, there really is absolutely nothing.

I currently have no contact with my FOO are years of trying. I tried to be 'good' like they wanted, but still got abuse. I tried being myself. Same result, but more extreme and threats. I tried discussing the problems with them-even more abuse and threats. I tried family therapy with them (my suggestion, and I had to organise it all). My dad kept missing sessions deliberately. My mum denied any history of anything unusual and blamed it all on me. My sister freaked out when I asked if she would attend. So basically they just repeated the same old patterns (im just realising that now!)...

I had a form of contact with my dad, but he just got more verbally abusive and manipulative than I'd ever seen him, so had to stop that late last year. I miss him sometimes. Part of me wants to try to meet for an hour once every two weeks or so, but most of me knows and suspects it will just cause me more unhappiness. I fear he'll have passed by the time I am ready to call him. I fear I'll never fogive myself and forever miss him and be unable to cope. But I guess, those are common fears such awful parenting creates in abused people like myself. 'A fear we are to blame/we are not good enough/we cant cope/we are wrong.' Why? Because thats all they ever taught me.

Day to day I suffer with anxiety, grieving about how much life and joy I have lost and a painful childhood (I only began grieving about a year ago). I also get a lot of depression there, and fears about how short life is and how much of it I'll ever have if I even manage to live a normal life.

This is very hard for me. I've never told anyone so much. There's a few other things and symptoms, but I guess those may come up as I journal.

I hope in doing this, I will be able to realise things as I type. I hope it will help me with catharsis. I hope others may sometimes see things that I haven't seen in what I write. And yes, I admit, I would love a little encouragement or empathy now and again, if that is ok.

I dont know how regularly I will journal here. Maybe daily but we'll see. Don't worry, the entries will be shorter than this. I just wanted to get most of it out there first so I could try to clear a path for daily feelings and things.

Thanks to whoever has made it this far in reading it-I post on the forum sometimes, so am familiar with some of you, but would like to get to know the community more.   :wave:

Really brave of you, Memorex! I read the whole thing, don't have any insight but I wanted you to know it's been read, and empathized with. Some of the details match my own childhood, even the almost fatal event. I understand having conflicting emotions regarding FOO. I guess I do have one thing, and that's to take it really slowly regarding memories that are still a bit submerged. Forcing them prematurely into the light can result in further injury.

Best wished to you, and lots of :hug: if that's okay.

memorex, thanks for sharing.  i echo 3roses - very brave.

so much sounds familiar - i, too, have had very little luck with therapists, some have been extremely harmful, in fact, while others haven't had a clue so were very little help at all.  i've done most of my recovery and growth thru educating myself about all this, and thru support and worthwhile, helpful suggestion from the people here.

as others have also found out, as well as myself, trying to fix it with foo usually doesn't work.   big hug to you, with caring and compassion.

Hi memorex, I've read it too and know sometimes just by writing it all and putting it 'out there' makes you feel validated and listened too. I am on my 3rd therapist and am very lucky as she's totally switched on to trauma and 'seems' to understand where I'm coming from. It takes a good search to find that one person who'gets It' and relates well to you, but you will find someone.
In the meantime, this site is great for voicing concerns or letting off steam and I find journaling in a journal I keep hidden away at home really helpful if only to write a few thoughts down is beneficial to me too.

Hi memorex. I've been a similar situation before where I was pretty much socially isolated. It was deeply traumatic somehow since love and companionship is a basic human need, much like food and water. I managed to find my way to open up first through the space of the internet. Here, I don't have to make eye contact, don't have anyone need to know my real identity and I get to participate at my own pace. Maybe you can start to trust people here too.

I agree with the others. It was brave to say all that. Most people come on this forum being absolutely nervous to share anything they want, and still do sometimes. You're not alone.

Take care. :)

I cant thank you all enough for your comments; reading them has felt validating and been emotional. I posted the first entry thinking nobody would read such a long piece, or that few would comment on it. It was such a wonderful and really moving thing to see your posts. A relief to put it all out there and know in some way im not alone.

Saturdays entry;

Oh my goodness I feel so weird/raw today. Yesterday was unexpected in that I felt a lot of powerful emotions after seeing the replies to my first entry. I felt some validation in a way I'd never experienced before.

I had a rough nights sleep last night. I feel so tired now. I woke desperately needing and wanting human contact, and also being really scared of the need. Previous experience growing up taught me to be afraid of people, or of needing them. Its scary to today feel different about that.

Part of me wants to go into town and wander about a few shops. Part of me feels its not enough. Part of me feels I need to be getting on with finding a new therapist. And part of me wants to hide away. Another part wants to be around laughter and fun and lightness.

I feel like Spock in a bad episode of star trek where he is given all human emotions at once....

I feel like fifty different people are telling me to do different things at once.

feel dread today. Have to write doctors letter to request he provide me with supporting evidence for my benefits appeal. This stuff stresses me out so much but I have  to see him tomorrow. I wish I could have a few days when I didnt have to do things I dread.

I dont want to have to sift through all the paperwork and the points and the worst aspects of how I struggle and so on.

But this is the evil reality of the UK benefits system-making you depressed and stressed in the hope you will give up.

monday was extreme up and down. Dreadful in the morning, felt unable to go to the support group due to all the things had to do to sort my benefits appeal. Ive rarely felt so awful. by the evening I felt different due to many complex things.and i realised a lot of things also. i felt good at that time, but was aware it may not last and that today i may feel bad as i have been there before.

today i feel bereft, as though someone has died. i dont know why. i wondered if it was because although part of me wanted to see my dad, i later realised i had come through so much without him, and he wouldnt have helped anyway. maybe my image of him has died a little more today after all this no contact. maybe its that im less worried about the tasks i have to do now so feel slightly at a loose end. i dont know. i do know i feel a lot of old deep pain, very close to the surface today. its too much to deal with today so i wont.

maybe i need time to transition from the panic i was in yesterday to the phase of things now. i dont know. im confused, hurting and want peace-but still feel wary that i need to get on with those tasks in case i made an error. maybe its the being caught between two things that isnt helping also. i wish i felt like i did last night.

This benefit appeal is killing me. More nightmares about it. Bad depression.  Not looking forward to next couple days either re having to see the therapist im finishing with, then the group on friday. Feel so vulnerable.

woke up in night with such terrible stomach pains. Feared was beginning of heart attack.

I hate this

Sitting with you memorex and sending  :hug: :hug:

I'm here too memorex. Been reading your posts lately. I was just too tired to respond.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you for the replies. it somehow feels reassuring to think there may be some people reading the entries. Thank you DEEPLY for your sympathies posted too.  I really need them today more than ever.

Im so grateful today for the online hugs and thoughts posted. I feel unnerved today.

Yesterday, emotionally at least, turned into one of the worst days I can remember experiencing. Maybe one of the worst full stop.

I woke up feeling pretty good. For a change had slept ok. No nightmares. No pains. Felt rested. Wanted to do some things in town before the dreaded appointment with the therapist im finishing with. Felt great just walking in the gentle warm winter sun.

Then it was time for the appointment. I just dont know what to say to her anymore. She has hurt me so many times emotionally that I dont want to dare risk letting her in at all. So I prepared a few topics that felt safe-just surface things about stuff. But I guess I was nervous, because after just twenty minutes I'd rattled through all that and had run out of things to say. So Im sitting there, and she's again saying nothing, just staring at me. It was horrible. Really horrible. Just full spotlight on me, total silence. It reminded me of things I associate with some of the deepest trauma memories I have. About twenty minutes of this. Non stop. Agony.

And I knew I couldnt just explain this to her or ask her to do something else because thats the problem with her-she always manages to put her foot in it and then say something worse, do something worse or not understand at all the simplest things.

This may all seem silly-I get how trauma can be personal and this may read like nothing to some people-but it really floored me and tore a hole inside me.

I was in pieces in the evening. So much for feeling good in the morning. So much for a therapist helping. I totally crashed into every single unhealthy coping mechanism I could think of to bury or escape the utterly overwhelming pain and fear. Overdid food. Overdid drink. Overdid other things, overdid, overdid. Overdid. Still it didnt work. Was panicked, Alone. Terrified. Fully triggered. Thought to call Samaritans but just couldnt manage, Thought to post here but just couldnt.

I tried to go to sleep but felt nauseous and was afraid I'd be sick.

It was one of the worst experiences of my life. My future felt hopeless. My past a nightmare. My present, *.

Thank goodness the night has gone, and its the next day now. I dont ever want to go through that again so alone. Its one thing if I feel the threrapist is someone I can trust, or who can judge what I can and cant manage, or who can help me through things. But she just feels inept, clumsy, stupid, and its terrifying to think that THAT is the person handling your most delicate important inner workings.

I want to arrange someone else suitable but this benefits appeal means I am snowed under with other tasks and dont have the time or energy to arrange someone else to see. Thats going to be the case for the next two weeks. My only other option is to just see nobody for that time, but Im scared as Im alone already. Then again, I cant handle the thought of her again. It just gets worse every time with her.

I have called the Samaritans before-I'm not suicidal, ironically if only because I have a fear of death. And they are open to anyone now, even if youre just feeling upset. Anyway-they are sometimes soothing and helpful to talk to for me. So im considering just having a long talk with them next week, and journaling as usual, as well as posting here, and perhaps in the 'difficult day' section if I need to. Hopefully the weather will be okay for a few short walks to the beach too. So Im considering this instead of seeing her (although I do most of it anyway weekly).

But I dont know-theres just something about talking face to face with someone that I see as 'the right thing Im supposed to do'. But I think that was forced on me by my mother. Healthy or not, the way she forced it on me, and the awful consequences, has left me fearful of people, whilst thinking Im somehow 'bad' 'weak' and going to suffer if I dont do more of it, I don't know.

Maybe I need to listen more to my body about whats right for me right at this moment?

Hi Memorex,
I just wanted to say something about what you've written - I can see you've had a tough time - really really tough, and I read what you wrote, and I thought how brave you were to be able to face attending what was a final session with that T, because I would feel unable to do that - go to any kind of 'ending' - because of my fears of abandonment and endings - I just wanted to say that.  Although it was very hard for you, I also admire the fact that you were able to go - but I just wish that the T could have been more supportive, and not excacerbated your obvious discomfort.   :hug: to you, if that's ok.
I hope you can find someone new to have as a T, and that you manage to cope.
Hope  :)

Memorex,
You're obviously going through a really rough spell.  :hug: :hug: I can remember back to similar times like when I was trying to explain to Ts and docs what was wrong and why I e.g. couldn't work and needed a disability pension. It was really, really hard. They seemed so clueless, especially the ones with decision-making power. My GP understood an awful lot, but had very little influence, being 'just' a GP.

Often they all (with exception of GP) asked Why...? and How...? especially referring to the past. "Why couldn't you have acted differently??" which is a 'should' statement in the past - no wonder I was triggered! That's how it is with trauma. So no, I definitely do not see you as being silly about anything! All of your description of how you felt and the imagery you use to describe it speaks volumes! To me. I'm so sorry your T seems so clueless, so unable to read between the lines.

This "But I dont know-theres just something about talking face to face with someone that I see as 'the right thing Im supposed to do'. But I think that was forced on me by my mother. Healthy or not, the way she forced it on me, and the awful consequences, has left me fearful of people, whilst thinking Im somehow 'bad' 'weak' and going to suffer if I dont do more of it" strikes me as an important realisation. This was forced on you by your mother, no wonder it's so hard for you with present T, the situation will be reminding you of the past.

My T with whom I feel very comfortable has been teaching me to observe my body's reactions. They are often very telling. My brain and especially inner critics don't get in the way.

Your plans next week for instead of seeing T sound good to me. They'll probably help you feel better and I'm sure not worse anyway.  :applause: :applause: for doing them all regularly anyway. That's good self-care! have a few more  :hug: :hug:

memorex, i've been away on my own painful situation for about a week, but am glad i feel better and can respond, if only to send you a warm hug.   that staring t is absolutely awful.  the last t i had, the one i fired about a month ago, would do that.  the first time, i simply asked, well, what do we do now?  we had been chatting, and she said she wanted to do more of that.

the next time it happened, i sat and stared back, until she picked up a bit of conversation, but it was still nothing to do with therapy.  the whole time i was with her (6 sessions) i felt like the whole thing was directionless, and ended up telling her so, that it wasn't a good fit, and i wasn't coming back.

i'm so very sorry for your experience, for all this paperwork crapola that saps and drains us of energy and faith in ourselves.  how very terrible.  i wish you could have had someone go with you to help you stay focused and grounded, and to help you thru the times when you might have felt like giving up.

that you went thru all this is a testament to your strength and determination.  kudos to you.  maybe it's not the best thing for you to see her again if she makes you feel worse.  just a thought.  we sure don't need more stress and pain in our lives. 

big hug filled with love and warmth and soothing.

Memorex, your feelings are important. There's often nothing more painful to be healing with CPTSD, trying to put all that effort into opening up emotionally, and having someone disrespecting all that pain you're feeling. Many of us can hardly take ourselves seriously, and having someone like that affirms it.

I'm glad you're trying to find another group to rely on. Sometimes even if they aren't professional therapists, there are people who are much kinder to actually make you feel more accepted. A kind professional is better of course, but in a situation like this, having kindness from anywhere is a deep comfort.

I've felt this way before of being ignored. I talked to a place with volunteer listeners. Some were absolutely kind, but some just leave without explanation. Some go out with their friends without telling me. Some had to do chores. Some was talking to someone as they talked to me. They could have told me what happened before they left— but all that effort into not caring to say just felt invalidating.

thanks Hope

I do appreciate the hug send as well. Im just trying to rest up now after a bit of a tough day yesterday.

EDIT-Oh gosh! I didnt see the other replies because I didnt notice the page number. Guess I must really have been not with it yesterday!!

THANK YOU so much for the comments and thoughts and more. It makes me emotional (in a good way, and warms my heart). Thank you so much!  :cheer: :wave:

I've just read them all now. I feel soothed to hear my experiences arent unique. Sometimes I fear its all me being over the top about things. I've scrapped next weeks session with the therapist, and am deciding between telling her the one after will be the final one, or to just not go at all. But Im now done with her. I cant keep paying so much money and giving so much time just to get hurt every week so badly.

Sun 18th entry for yesterday.

Tried to soothe myself today, take it easy. Thought would be nice to wander round a few charity shops, and needed to pick up a prescription anyway.

Now, some of that was okay. Some of that was not okay (teenage girls literally rolling around on the pavement incoherent with alcohol, at 2pm on a busy street)... and some of it went totally up the proverbial...

As for the girls, when I saw one lying on the pavement my first thought was to go try to help. Until I heard another loudly screech at a passer by to 'eff off, she's just drunk'. This town is going downhill...

Anyway. So, I've been putting off thinking about the next topic since it happened yesterday, and still am not ready to go into it much. But I do feel I need to process the memory a bit.

--TRIGGER WARNING--

(RELATED TO ANIMAL SUFFERING)

Ok. I care deeply (too deeply) about all life. I hate seeing suffering especially. I also happen to like a type of bird that some people around this area dont like, because they can be quite noisy, and cheeky, in that they have been known to steal food out of your hand when you arent looking.

Sadly, there's sometimes roadkill incidents because of traffic here with birds, and with this type, because they take some risks.

But this freaking thing happened JUST AS I HAPPENED TO BE LOOKING AT THE ROAD  right in front of me. And made the most awful, awful noise I dont ever want to think about. But it was after, the flipping poor look on the bird's face. It was just awful, given that from the neck up it was fine and just seemed confused.

The rest of it, I dont even want to think about.

I felt so helpless. A part of me wanted and felt I should do the best thing for it and somehow end it quickly for the poor thing, but I dont think I could ever do that in reality.

Another part of me wanted to try to calm it until the end which would hopefully be soon for it.

But I couldnt stand to look at it.

It shook me and shocked me so much I just had to turn and head off down a quiet side street and try to calm myself. I wanted to cry, wanted to scream in anger, was afraid, upset. And of course was scared people would see I was feeling these things.

I had been about to cross the road to the pharmacy on the other side, but instead found myself taking a long and winding ten minute route instead to avoid going anywhere near that road.

Im glad I managed to soothe myself from that as much as I did, and was able to function for the rest of the time in town, though it also fatigued me later.

But the memory of it is just horrific. I try to tell myself there's loads of those birds, and maybe it was an old one or ill anyway. But its just the noise, and almost making eye contact with the poor, poor thing at the worst moment and the look on its face compared to the rest of its body.

Just awful. Even now I feel like there's a lead brick inside me when I think of it.

I always knew statistically, at some point, I may unfortunately see such a thing. Just didnt expect it to be when I was already feeling so vulnerable and raw.

Unfortunately I feel like all the work I did yesterday to try to relax has been undone as I am exhausted today.

The only good thing was that when it happened, I could see in some other people's faces how they cared and were appalled. Made me think at least that some other people care about things like animal suffering too. Im not a huge person on it, but as I said, I dont like to see anything suffering or treated badly. Unfortunately I also heard some of the vilest comments from other people who said they were glad and good it happened, and other stupid comments like 'cool'. Some people are really sick.

I hope you'll forgive such a long post, but I really needed to get this out. Its been tiring and Im surprised how exhausted I feel now actually.   :stars:  Boy do I hope today is quieter.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: Hope for a better day today for you. There have been incidents like that animal suffering in the past which have followed me round for quite a while. Sometimes I managed to thought-stop though or put much nicer, more calming visions in their place. I never managed to help the animal. I had to get out of there fast, for myself.

its so awful isnt it? I know theres suffering in the world, and I know I cant stop it. But its so painful when its something you care about and its right in front of you. I used to always put myself second, but as you say, I learned the hard way that we must put ourselves first when it has such an impact on us.

I guess that for me it just touched a raw nerve right when I already felt very raw.

I've had quite a cry since my last post-not just about yesterday, I know it touched on other issues- and came to the decision today that I must do...absolutely nothing. I am struggling with it, but am doing my best to just go where I want today, metaphorically speaking. And if that means nothing but sitting around, then ok. Or reading. Or whatever.

I couldnt cope with anything else anyway, so I'll just try and at least remove that voice in my head that tells me I should be doing things.

Anyway. I hope you feel ok too. It sounds good you have techniques like thought stopping to help when needed. I made use of stuff like that myself at the time. Here's to better days.

Grrr. Angry right now. Neighbour went ahead and arranged a fire alarm test without seeing when im free or would be convenient. Found out third hand and let her know would not be convenient at all but was free soon. No reply. Contacted her again. No reply.

Assumed was sorted. Then get last minute email says all alarms will sound for an hour at 9am tomorrow. The alarms here are deafening and literally trigger my fight or flight response and adrenaline. I have insomnia and only get to sleep about 5am ish lately.

Great. And worse. They were going to use a key to let them in to the flat because she hadnt even told them I was not available and not okay for them not to.

I texted her again saying I was very unhappy about this and should haven been consulted. She was just incredibly passive aggressive, tried to talk over me a lot and pretty patronizing. I restated It was only reasonable she should have consulted me.

She already scheduled then cancelled a test at the last minute. Unfortunately she is in charge of it due to reasons beyond my control regarding a board of owners association.

Flipping heck, I was already very stressed today.  Arrrrrghhh!!!!

:pissed:

may i arrrrgh! along with you, memorex.  i hate that kind of thing, unexpected surprises of the grating kind are especially awful.  standing with you on this one.

Surprises like that can make me frustrated too. I'm still reading your posts, memorex, even if I don't have the strength to post each time though. I'm here too.

thank you both. I hope you feel better soon also and get more strength.

Its 1.30am my time, and Im transcribing the benefits assessment interview I had to prove I said the things they happened to 'omit' from the review.

This. Is. Not. Fun.

I'd stop but the appeal date is due, and I know tomorrow I'll not have the energy after the alarms and all that stuff.

I keep telling myself that though this is horrible, it'll get the benefits office off my back for a long time, so its not always going to be this hard, and its energy invested that will pay off.

I may forget that tomorrow morning after having had just four hours sleep...(!)  :stars:

Anyway, I really do thank you. Its honestly soothing to know this thread is here. Just knowing theres people like you out there, and that you understand and care, helps me.

I'd just stopped for a quick break, and checked this thread, and its helped give me more energy to get through this!

This benefits appeal is absolutely killing me, alongside not having a therapist sorted. What do I wake up to today? Car alarm by my house and a notification of council tax increasing by a factor of three due to government cuts, with a bill wanting the money today.

I go to bed in absolute dread and sadness, have nightmares, and wake exhausted in anxiety. Then spend the day with a knot in my stomach wishing I could focus on other things like arranging a new therapist or finish the badly needed decorating of my place. Or have the energy to go to a support group, which I havent been able to do since the benefit saga began nearly a month ago.

This is just pure evil treating people this way. They cant do it. it sickens me how so few people bother to even look and see how awful it is and instead get hung up on stupid fake news stories instead.

:fallingbricks:

o, sweetie, i wish there was more i could do to help smooth things for you.  sounds awful. 

just letting you know that you're heard, respected, and supported with all you're going thru.  i can only hope and wish that it's over quickly and you get what you need.  love and a warm hug to you.

Thank goodness, I finished the appeal process. Up to 6 week wait now to hear whether has to go to tribunal or is found in my favour.

Felt pretty good for couple days, just relief, but today the realities of the rest of my life are coming back to me; specifically the issue of trying to find a therapist who can help me. And im scared. Scared there's no one out there.

I dont know, I just feel really worried today. First day getting back on that particular horse for two weeks, but im just worried im deluding myself, and that a therapist cant help. Heck, maybe thats not true. Ive been partially helped before.

I just feel so scared and alone and in need of love and support right now and have none. Maybe the search will feel a bit easier in a few days. Apprehension is something else im feeling.

Im scared of a lot of things today. Scared of it turning to summer, and hearing and seeing everybody laughing and having a great time with friends and things, on the beaches, enjoying each others company-and that I'll still be alone, still be stuck indoors, afraid and alone.   

Feel weird right now. Very horrible underneath. Been rushing round like crazy doing things to avoid what I feel.

What I know; I managed to go to a kind of support group thing earlier, though was in two minds. Feeling I 'should' go rather than wanting to. But then again I feel lonely, and there are no more groups this or next week due to Easter break.

I got something out of it I think-maybe just being around people a bit, I dont know. But at the end, the part I always dread, the part where there's no structure and its about socialising, or not. Thats the hard thing for me. I thought I'd just hang around briefly, see if anyone near me was interested in talking. I didnt feel able to make the first move, but if someone had been nearby and facing near me I would have made some small talk and seen where it went.

But it just seemed like the moment the group finished, everybody turned to everyone else and were deep in conversation and I was really left out.

There was also a girl I really felt a strong pull towards, which maybe wouldnt have been a good idea, but anyway... and it hurt to feel rejected by her. God it hurt a lot. She was amazing, and I have no idea why.

OK, I get its probably related to how bad Im feeling, but I just feel pained by the whole thing.

I find it so hard to be myself and am afraid that if I am, people like her just wouldnt give me a second glance. It used to be different, but then, I used to not 'be myself' at all, and was always 'on', always performing, etc. Problem is, it worked so well. But it meant that it wasnt sustainable as it was so tiring to always try to be entertaining, funny, interesting, etc.

Now im trying to just be with how I feel, and the result seems I dont get a second look. Ah frik. I hope this changes with time.

Its just so hard lately, as I feel so exhausted. Yesterday especially was kind of shocking how I felt so physically ill almost. So heavy, just because I felt so tired and stressed.

I feel I need hope and support to give me energy to continue with the search for a new therapist, yet I also feel I need a therapist to give me some hope and support! Its catch 22. And I feel really stuck and fearful as a result.

I really hope that just with some rest maybe I'll get some energy return and be able to continue. Having said that I face yet another problem right now, which is that, since its the holidays, most shrinks are away themselves, so my search is going to be stuck for a further couple of weeks-and I dont have anyone. Im apprehensive and scared about that, as I've already been under such stress and on my own for so long now and feel I cant take much more without the bedrock of a therapist.

Maybe if I had more confidence in my ability to self soothe that might be different. I dont know. I just feel sad at the situation, and its times like these I wonder if its me, and if theres just something about me, almost physically, that scares people off or repulses them or something.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2018, 02:19:35 PM
o, sweetie, i wish there was more i could do to help smooth things for you.  sounds awful. 

just letting you know that you're heard, respected, and supported with all you're going thru.  i can only hope and wish that it's over quickly and you get what you need.  love and a warm hug to you.

Thank you. It made me feel warm inside to read this.

God yesterday was overwhelming. Tried a therapist just as a placeholder really, just to be able to unload for a bit until I have enough strength to properly continue the search. I think maybe I went a bit too far though in terms of going into really deep and painful feelings, and forgetting to pace myself, I came out exhausted, and physically too, after cycling there which was a fair distance.

I felt tired, emotional, and raw, which wasnt too bad, but then after crossing the road, I unexpectedly found myself standing overlooking a park and childrens play area-and it suddenly occurred to me that this was one of the main places I was taken as a kid by a parent I have no contact with. On a day when I know the rest of the family will be gathering together.

It tears me apart. It really hurts. At the time I just had to briefly soothe myself and tell myself I'd have to shut off emotionally for the time being as I still had to cycle back, and didnt want to break down and cry in public.

I just dont know how it crept up on me though. I guess when I arrived I was too busy to notice, too preoccupied with locating the therapists house and so on. Then when I left I was emotionally exhausted and raw.

God it really takes me back though, and hurts so much. I loved her so much, and I miss her so much in some ways. And on days like today its really painful. Im tearing up as I write this.

Its so strange to have a part of me still pure like that boy I was, still loving his parent so much, still so tearful and upset and not really able to see a bad side with her, whilst at the same time, the other part of me knows, through hindsight, experience and growth how the way I was treated was so, so bad.

I guess its human to love, right? Every boy is going to love its parents to some degree because it doesnt know any different, right?

Its just so hard to reconcile those different parts of me now. To bring those two parts together. I felt like I had just been told she had died yesterday as I stood there, looking out on the ghosts of us in that playground.

The sad truth of it is, I dont know that she ever actually even played with me there. Just told me to go play while she sat there doing nothing. I remember being thirsty as anything as it was often in the middle of summer, and she never brought any water or liquid for me, and there were no taps there. Four hours plus in the summer heat just desperately wanting some water, and being made to feel guilty for asking. Seeing other kids around me with bottles of water or soft drinks. I was so exhausted and tired, and just wanted to be out of the heat and go home. It was horrible.

So why when I stood there yesterday do I feel such a pain and a longing to be back then?

hey, memorex, this tugged at my heartstrings, played a sad little tune.  i was picturing everything as i read what you wrote.

i do believe it's human to love, and i also believe that love is the finest thing humans ever invented.  i think that watching that playground, seeing what was and what it could have been at the same time brought tears of longing, yearning, and perhaps some grieving for what never will be anymore. 

i've cried so many tears for those reasons, so many times, because of so many different things i saw.  real life, tv, movies, ads - it didn't matter.  it brought up for me what i wished would've been along with the knowledge that it never was.  plus, with you being so emotionally wrung out from your session, i think you were especially vulnerable at that moment.

good luck with finding a t that suits you.  i hope that helps you move past some of this in a way that's beneficial for you and your life.  sending love and a warm, compassionate hug.   i get it.

thank you. Pretty much everything you said is right on the money. Grieving for what I wished could have been. For what I'd seen in a million films and tv shows and even a few other peoples lives. Feeling vulnerable at that moment, definitely.  Its such a painful thing and I wish you well in your process too.



Last night was very emotional for me. I think that I got to another level of realising what cant be. It still scares me to think it will probably end badly. I mean, in terms of relations with my FOO. I think a part of me still harbours some hope of some type of change once one of my parents passes. But in reality, I know theyll just withdraw ever tighter into their circle of madness, enabling and codependency.

Its so hard to imagine building your own life when youre starting with so little, and so little tools and knowledge. I have begun though. I can even look back on some memories of experiences I created, that are mine, and mine alone. Nothing to do with them. Some happy memories.

Its such a slow process, and I still dont think Ive processed the raw pain and anger still. But I know it exists, im not denying it, I understand the warning signs and how to begin to care for myself when things are too much.

I've too far to go for my liking. Then again, Im closer then I've been before, is another way to look at it. And *I* did this. Me. Not them. I know the courage and strength and work and sacrifice and bravery it took to get where I am, and how hard won all this has been for me.

Today, or at least, these past few hours, I've felt anger at my mother for what she did. Fury.

I've partly been processing and switching off by continuing the ongoing decoration of my place. Im covered in paint at the moment, about to finish the clearing up for the day. But I am proud I did it,

It's the little things that add up memorex, and you're doing what you can. I remember there was a famous charity here that called for everyone to put the smallest amount of money that they're left with in a day in a jar - even the cheapest coins. Everyday, it would slowly fill until a whole jar would be filled. Then another, and another. Until so many people can give their own little share of coins, and it'll all add up to something bigger.

I'm glad you're able to feel anger about your situation, and glad about decorating your place. That's a few coins in the jar I bet. I trust it'll grow into something big someday.

I do feel good about the decorating work yesterday. It does add up in a good way. One day's work here, another there, etc.

Sleep still rubbish. Drifting off about 5.30am, despite sleeping pill. Bad dreams. Woke five hrs later. Got one hr more about 12pm.

Couldnt get going until only about an hour ago. On a social media site I had joined in with others I know regarding a personal thing about identity, and posted my own, since some had made mistakes with it. (this probably isnt how it sounds, but I dont want to give away my identity in case anyone I know may be snooping about).

It wasnt a very revealing thing, but was something I used to get teased about by a couple of people when I was younger. Would you believe it, the same idiot who used to tease me about it, who I had sort of been in touch with for a bit, posted exactly the same sort of idiotic teasing stuff they used too?? I thought they had changed; they still seemed the same in a kind of harmless and stupid way, but apparently not......

It made me so angry! Especially in the context of the original post-for me, it was a first, to boldly post that, despite fear of people teasing. Precisely BECAUSE people like that moron used to tease! So now I FINALLY bravely stood up and posted about it, after a lot of fear yesterday, and what happens? One of the idiots who used to embarrass me tries to do the same thing again!

:pissed:

It was also hard because Im scared of showing my emotions in public, even online (which is why this site is a big step for me-even though it is safe). I wanted to tell the person to f**k right off! But was afraid to be seen upset or vulnerable about the issue.

It may not have been healthy, but I got in a humorous dig back at them. Im bothered by what others think. Im so angry at being embarrassed and humiliated as a kid.

Fricking idiot. I happen to be of the opinion that, given what they had told me previously about their life, that person is stuck in a loveless marriage and not happy with their lot in life. Theyre always boasting on social media about how wealthy they are.  I've seen how they treat their kids too and its horrible to me. I would hate to have that person as my parent. Always felt bad for their kids.

I dont like sounding bitter but maybe I need to just see it as human of myself given the situation. I HATE showing that something bothers me publicly. The only people I ever knew treated such behavior as a chance to push harder. Sadly, I dont yet know anyone on that social media site enough to trust they might be different yet.

I was just thinking yesterday how some people are still the same bullies and idiots they were back in school. Except now they inflict their hate on a bigger scale. And to their own families too. Ugh, isnt it horrible sometimes?!

it is definitely horrible, memorex.  and, i, for one, am glad you're allowing yourself to just be human with your feelings and emotions.  glad you were able to get them out here.  you go.

sorry it's been so disappointing on that site for you.  i'm glad you don't feel the same way here.  thanks for sharing.  i'm glad you're here.  love and a big hug to you.

I feel so strange today. And the end of yesterday too. I walked down to the sea while listening to some music, Took some pictures. The music was overwhelming. A happy song made me feel on top of the world, a sad one and I wanted to cry.

I saw a film late in the evening, a really unexpectedly good one, but there was one scene that had me crying heavily, where a father reunited with his son. Just the obvious simple pleasure the father took in engaging with his son and talking with him, listening, being interested and so on. And the pain and jealousy I felt that i never had and never would have that from my own father just killed me.

Today I woke feeling too exhausted to get back on the horse regarding trying to find a therapist. The same catch 22 of feeling I need that weekly bedrock to help me through, but feeling too tired to deal with the disappointment and pain of finding them right now, wishing I had the energy and support to do it...which I feel I would get from having a therapist sorted...!

This past hour or so I just felt overwhelmed in a different way-some strange weird feeling I cant describe, like a total rush, but in an overpowering way. Like a firework burning bright inside me-Im confused by it. I've had it before.

Its a total restless thing. Like your ego has been inflated to the size of a giant. Yet at the same time I know it isnt real or a reflection of reality. Its so weird. I know its a feeling Ive tried to chase sometimes. Its sometimes led to frustration and disappointment. It brings with it a desperate need to 'do something important', whatever that means. Before it burns itself out. But nothing feels enough.  Its not enough to do some chores for instance, as that feels like it would be a waste. Its a weird yearning to do something important and unique, something memorable. Now on a wet monday with everything shut for the day, this is not very practical!

The best analogy I can think of is when you're playing a game and you get a power up. You dont want to just sit there on the screen while the timer on the power up runs down, and you then lose the power. You quickly feel pressured to do something and progress further.

Except that I'll have to deal with the consequences after, so i cant just do more things like arranging therapists, because when it comes to it, the feeling will have gone.

Its so peculiar.

Anyway.

Im a bit worried regarding all these emotional leaps lately. I hope its just because Im getting back in touch with emotions after so long being numb, and now, during this difficult time, they just all feel so raw and new and overpowering. But I fear its an alternative possibility; that its actually a sign of things spiraling badly, with emotions just rapidly changing as a sign of things being in a bad way.

Maybe not. I mean there have been good signs in other places, but I dont know.

(I'll reply to the other posts as soon as I feel ready-but I felt the need to capture whats going on with me today first, and separately)

i think you may be right - your emotions are coming out of hiding, and they can be a handful when they begin showing up again.  go slow, take as good care of yourself as you're able, and learn more about yourself through them.  it may feel weird, but i'm glad to hear it.  loving warm hug to you memorex.

Ah yes, I can relate to all the emotional jumble after getting them back from numbness. Even what others called positive emotions terrified me, and I didn't really know what to do with them. It's natural to call them strange. After all, "numbness" was your normal. Many of us whose main coping strategy includes numbing associates feeling things with something terrible happening, and it's alright to be cautious around it. I still get like that a bit too.

Take care.  :hug:

Thanks. Its interesting to hear your experiences too; offers me some hope as I am very much unsettled by these overwhelming feelings.

As for today;

I feel a bit stunned at the moment.

last week, I wrote about the therapist I tried, and how I felt overwhelmed after. I was totally incapacitated soon after by exhaustion in a way I hadnt been for a very long time. Ended up lying on my bedroom floor half asleep for hours in the afternoon. Felt almost deliriious.

As I wrote, I think i had pushed myself too hard, and was unexpectedly caught by other things when I left the therapist.

So; this week, after a lot of deliberating, I find myself desperately wanting to talk to someone familiar, and thinking she might be someone I could work with long term.  I had booked another therapist to try, but just didnt feel up to another new person and again having to go through my painful story all over again

So I called the therapist from last week to try to see them on short notice this week.

Only to find that she's had a bereavement and cant see me anymore as a result.

:fallingbricks:

Why do things like this seem to keep happening? I find something or someone then just as I do, the thing vanishes.

Its literally just happened to I havent had a chance to process it yet-just feel stunned at the moment.  :stars:

it's ok to take your time with something like this.  it's your recovery, so you can go at your own pace, whatever feels best for you.  when you're ready, you can take the next step. 

i hate it myself when life throws me a curve ball.  just one more thing to deal with when i thought things were going to smooth out for a bit.  hang tough, memorex - hanging right beside you. 

Well.

Oversleeping always depresses me. Guess its cos my parents always were really angry and harsh on me when I did.
My sleep is bad enough at the moment, but I had hoped to make it to a kind of support group today, But just could not make it up in time, then ended up waking at 2.30pm. Havent even had breakfast yet and its 3.30pm now.

I feel awful. Another reply from another therapist saying they have no places available. Another reply from that idiot on Facebook being patronising about my name. Another day where the local news source admits pollutions levels will be high for the next few days. And all people will be talking about is how 'strangely warm' and 'unusually coloured' the sky is, without making the connection.

Another day where I feel a desperate need to get help in place, but feel incapacitated and utterly depressed by not having help in place. Among other things.

As a side note, had a weird thing today where it turns out I could have met one of my favourite people (I'll loosely call them a celebrity). They were and are, despite having died ages ago, still considered one of the most inventive and famous in their field. On the edge of being a household name, and someone all the others still want to be.

Apparently this person should have been backstage in a venue where I was myself, but circumstances strangely meant they were absent. It was in the news the other day about this (thats how famous they were). So weird to think. Maybe for the best regarding that thing of never meeting your heroes.

I hate feeling inertia. I hate feeling stuck and like im not getting anywhere. Its weird because I know I am in so many other ways. But theres ways that are vital to healthy life, and things just dont want to seem to shift-its crazy. I just dont know why its so hard to find a qualified therapist. And I just wish I didnt feel the need for one so strongly, cos Im stuck at the moment.

I really hope theres fewer days like today soon. Seems my whole life has been made up of days like these. Maybe one good moment or day for every hundred. Im not crazy for wanting that ratio to change a little am I? Even ten to one would be loads better. And all the while I get those painful urges to want to run to my FOO, but all the while know it would be a disaster.

Dream almost every night of being in a sick, toxic environment with monstrous people that turns out to be my first home when I was a kid, where I was raised. Guess that says something.

Had horrible dream about someone who I once considered a friend who also popped up and started taking the p*ss out of me.

Another about a person trying to infect me  with their serious illness.

Horrible. No wonder I hate the thought of going to bed

nope, not crazy for wanting sanity in the midst of the madness, no matter what the ratio.  that's one of my goals, too, to simply stay sane.  i never before knew how difficult that was till i became involved in the 'knowing' of what was actually happening to me.

i think feeling sane is more important to me than physical death.  it is a death of sorts after all  to think that i cannot actually think straight, understand, know, figure out, remain mentally in this world instead of retreating into a mental world because i couldn't take it anymore - yep, that feels to me like death.

one day, perhaps, that ratio will change, little by little.  hang tough, memorex.  doing the same right beside you.  love and a big hug filled with soothing calm and balm for your frazzled nerves.

The hugs are appreciated. Im sorry to hear youre going through such things too. But I do feel relieved to not be alone and have the resources and kindness of this forum.

:grouphug:

Entry for Saturday
Yesterday I eventually called the Samaritans again, though I was confused about my feelings. Sounded like a relatively young woman, which kind of made me uncomfortable as I prefer talking to an older woman for some reason.

But the time flew by, and she was quite insightful, very caring and sensitive, and we even had a bit of a laugh later on.
I felt a lot better for it. I felt some relief and also realised a lot of things later on.

For one, I realised how hard this search for a therapist is for me-that its really upset me, with all the pitfalls, raised hopes and bad experiences I've had, and how draining it is, then having to start all over again and search profiles, check their qualifications, find a picture to see how you feel, call them, and so on and so on, only for them to suddenly not return your calls, or pull out, or say they are busy until next year, or they charge £100 per session, or offer sessions at your home but their qualifications arent as they claimed (warning sign!-and yet I've actually seen that) and so on.

I feel I need something with less high stakes for a bit. To stop looking for someone who I hope will be someone I can work with long term and able to work with deep level things, as the search is just too exhausting right now.

So I think maybe for a few weeks Im gonna just try to find a basic counsellor who I can have a conversation with, who is reasonably empathetic, and who I know I wont need to go into the deepest stuff with, but can just vent or tell of my pain or struggling too.

Hopefully THAT wont be so hard to find at a price level I can afford. At least then hopefully that may give me a little support for a time and give me enough room to get some strength back.


Possible trigger warning------

On the flipside of things, however, yesterday, perhaps due to the realisations of many things, I had another memory return to me regarding inappropriate sexual boundaries. I wont go into it, I dont want to right now-but it is very confusing and difficult for me.

Of course the memory isnt clear cut, typically-but its at least an instance of something that is troubling to me, with confusing emotions, and the knowledge that I was just a very young child and couldnt have been expected to know any better or different.

At worst, it is a clear cut smoking gun regarding sexual abuse.

I feel like the memory has more to come yet-and that scares me. Not to mention other potential memories that may pop up.

But its too early to say emotionally how I feel right now. Ive always had a part of me that would love to have a smoking gun clear cut piece of knowledge, because it would validate everything I have felt and somehow known for so long. On the other hand, obviously I dont want to have had those experiences. I hope that it is more simply just that boundaries were innapropriate due to terrible parenting.

Anyway;

Overall, Im a bit wary and fearful, because of the returning memories, and that does make me want a long term highly skilled therapist of some kind as a safety net to help me now, to make sense of all this, to get all such memories out, and start to move on.

But much as I wish that could be so, I guess the reality right now is I am too tired for that. So hopefully the short term plan I have is what I need and will give me some energy and soothing. I suddenly feel really tired as I type.

just off phone after trying to make initial inquiries with another 'therapist';

me; Hi, saw your listing on the web, just wondered if ok to ask a couple of things?

Her; "(huge sigh) I dont normally work on sundays, go on....."

Me; "er, ok(!)... could you tell me your qualifications?"

Her;"Well theyre on the site".

....Long silence as I wit for her to say more....

Me; "Erm, they arent unfortunately, thats why Im asking...?"

Her;"well its on the site".

me; (wondering why she doesnt just say them), er, Im looking at the page in front of me and using search tools but it doesnt say anything unfortunately, Im quite sure of that..."

her; "(long pause)....fine, Ive got a diploma in therapy..."

Me; (waiting for her to list more)...

Her;  (silence)...

Me "er, okay.... ...could you tell me your age, roughly, as i would prefer to work with someone older than myself?"

Her; ....(Long silence)... "I think you can tell from the picture"

Me; "Sorry, Im not good at that sort of thing-perhaps you could just say what decade of age you are in instead?"

Her; "How old are YOU.......?"


...and so on for a few more minutes until I tell her I'll think about it. Why didn't I just say I find this a really peculiar and inappropriate manner for someone who claims to be offering to help people? And why are there so many useless people out there being allowed to practice who come across like they need help themselves? Whats the point in all these stupid regulatory bodies when nobody does actual regulating???

GRRRRR!!!  :pissed:

God Im finding all this so depressing and defeating.

that phone conversation just sounded weird - i wouldn't give her a second thought.  how off-putting she was.

i'm with you on the lack of good helpers out there, memorex.  it just sucks.

love and hugs to you.

yeah it took me the better part of a day unfortunately, but eventually I got over it.

Entry for monday;

crazy infuriating time at doctors when went to pick up prescription. too tiring to go into but despite me being crystal clear and asking them to double check and clarify, they STILL gave me the wrong brand of pills, then the wrong prescription, then claimed I wasnt due any medication (despite earlier handing it to me), then kept me on the phone for a half hour, then treated me like dirt and literally ignored me when I said I wanted to make an official complaint, then openly said to my face "its YOUR fault". All this also meant I had to walk a half hour in the rain, and had to abandon a trip round town because by the time they got things right everywhere had closed.

total douchebags. There was an older women there who was a bit more reasonable and said they were young trainees, but as I pointed out, a mistake is one thing, but to be rude about it, blame me, ignore me (oh, almost forgot-they openly laughed at me too when I complained) is utterly unacceptable. 

Just as well I dont suffer from social anxiety and fear humiliation... oh wait, I do....

Im glad I stood up for myself in public, something I would have felt more self conscious about before, but it did cost me and I am really stressed the next day sadly.

Just been having a panic attack. Fears may be dying-in this instance, fear its a heart attack.

Never had one. Am in okay-ish health physically, but a bunch of stress plus some weird pains in my chest and off we go with these fears....

I even recall that I get pains like this when I sleep in a bad position with arms tightly crossed. Which I do when Im stressed. I even recall it goes away when I sleep on my back for a time to give the muscles time to relax.

But here I am, knowing all that, yet with a fear still of "what if?". What if?"

I guess im just really tired after the recent events.

Hoping to head back to town today to do what couldnt yesterday. Trying out a therapist tomorrow

Very nervous about that. This time a psychoanalyst. So bit concerned she'll dig really deep but be really cold, relatively speaking.

I need to go slow after all I've been through, and with someone with empathy and tact. Ah, we'll see....

Just wanted to say that I hope it goes ok tomorrow with your new T - and that you've had a tough time at the chemist today - well done for standing up for yourself though - you were brave!

:hug: to you, if that's ok, Memorex.

Hope  :)

o memorex, pills and prescriptions and ignorant people behind the counter.  what a mix of gluck.  it's so frustrating.  i feel for you.  glad you could stand up for yourself, tho.  very well done.

and all we can do is keep on keepin' on.  right beside you on that.  love and hugs.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks for all the hugs everyone. Very much appreciated.  :grouphug:

Been a painful few days. Which sort of confuses me.

Therapist was a psychoanalyst, which may have been a mistake for me. She was just pretty much silent throughout,barely saying anything in reaction to what I said.

Not what I needed right then. I said the long silences were making me uncomfortable. No change.

Now the weird thing is that when I got back, I suddenly realized I had the timescale on some events over the past few years wrong.

As a result, I had been feeling I was failing and getting nowhere with change. The realisation possessed me, and I started figuring out on pen and paper how long it had been since my financial situation had eased, how long since I had had to cut off my dad, and so on.

It totally stunned me. Things I thought were four years ago happened one and a half years ago. My point is; I realised that a) I had achieved a lot given that it had only been a while since certain things happened, and I was not actually "failing" as I had feared.

...and b) I realised that no wonder I feel so raw, because it still had not been so long since having to make painful life changing decisions regarding my FOO and so on. Before that I had thought I was not processing or 'successfuly' grieving and instead getting hung up and stuck. But now I realised that it was normal to feel as I had since its all still so raw and not that long ago.

I felt great for a time-literally stunned too to realise some of these things.

Now, the downside to that....

I realised how painful I felt about my FOO. So for whatever reason, my heart feels broken regarding my dad lately. I dont know why. I hate it too, as I know how uncaring and unkind he always was to me. I feel like a dog who wants its owner even though that owner always mistreats them.-why do I hurt over someone who hurts me so much?

The other painful thing was I realised that it HAD been a long time since I was last in a serious relationship, or had seen her. That was the only thing that had been longer ago than I thought.  Thats a very weird one.

I miss her in some ways, but again, also hate the thought of how things actually were with her.

Heck-just realised. I guess its probably the pain from my dad that is making me want something that is independent, ie, the girl from my last serious relationship....

Anyway. The day after, I felt SO sensitive. There was a delivery guy who dropped off my grocery shopping to my front door, who clearly had autism or some kind of developmental disability, and was that kind of over cheerily friendly you sometimes see. I got talking with him a little, and he mentioned he used to work as a garbage man..."but had to quit because everyone there bullied me so much about my problems".

It absolutely broke my heart. I swear I nearly broke down in tears right there and then. Being bullied for his disability by everyone when he was just trying to live and better himself. But humiliated just because he looks and acts differently. Im shedding some tears even now.  :'(

So as you can see. Im feeling very raw and tearful.

On the upside, I finally got my music software working again, so hopefully in time can get back to some music making. I had a really good song come to me the other day. Have to admit I hate the recording process though. Its so slow and tortuous. The best bit is the initial moment of inspiration when the idea first comes to you. You wish you could somehow magically get THAT onto tape. By the time its been actually done it never sounds as good as the original idea you had.

I had also hoped to create a small recording area in my home, as there is a large wardrobe I thought would do. I measured it all up yesterday, but was really quite gutted to find how much work it would be to soundproof it, how complicated, and how small the resulting area would be.

Im really quite gutted by that. I was excited by the thought of it. I always worry about the thought of my neighbours hearing me singing. I've done ok in bands before, toured, etc. But I want to try new things vocally. I want to push my voice and see what I can do, and that means making mistakes. My past as a child is full of being humiliated for how I am, so the thought of people hearing me make vocal mistakes is horrifying to me. I love singing well though. When I hear myself as I sing and know its something pretty good.

But as I say, I'd like to see what else I can do, try and see if I've a Dave Grohl growl inside of me! That means much more volume.

I just dont know that I can face the hassle of the recording area. But I also hate the thought of NOT having it to safely play with and experiment with. Even now the thought excites me.

Anyway-I feel tired, emotional, stuck, with many ambitions but no energy to do them. I'd like to call the Samaritans just to talk to someone (not suicidal or anything), but for some reason feel afraid to.

Hi Memorex,
I found what you wrote today very thought provoking in many ways, and felt resonance with it - especially the part when you wrote about time scales and how long time has been, and how you've discovered that - I'm glad you got through your session with your T ok, and I thought it sounded like it was powerful in terms of how much you have processed and thought through since. 

I hope you're able to rest, and I saw many positives in what you wrote - I really hope you get to express your singing talents in the way you want to as well.

Hope  :)

It's crazy how our minds can confuse so much of the past. Survivors don't think of the past in chronological order. They remember it in disorganized bits, and it's up to them to somehow put broken glass pieces back together. It's tough and hard. I know. So I'm standing by you, Memorex.

You hold so much kindness over things, like the bird you worried about before and the delivery man you met. It's a wonderful thing, and while I don't think I'm as compassionate as you and can hold a certain distance, I have instances where that distance drops and things break my heart. I'm sorry for what happened to you and that nice man.

It's a great thing to have a passion. Lots of us here were pressured to not follow our passions, so I'm glad you found yours in music. I'm no expert on it and I don't think I match your skills, but I appreciate how these passionate creators can tug on my emotional perspective in life. Even without words.

Thank you for sharing this with us, Memorex. Thank you.

Im moved by both your comments,. Im just so emotional lately. Or maybe I always was but shut it away because I was always shamed for it. Anyway, thank you, sincerely. If any of what I write means something to you personally too, then it means a lot to me. It really does.

As for today, my emotions just feel so raw right now that its shutting me off from doing things I need to like trying to socialise. Im always afraid people wont like me, so I perform and try  to be funny or clever. And its exhausting. I struggle to just be myself. I dont even know what that is anyway.

I cant honestly say I feel the analyst I tried last week brought me anything but pain; the realisations i had were, if anything, a defence mechanism against her negative and silent attitude towards my situation. She said a person "needs to have friends and support being embarking on analysis". She may be right, I dont know, but it made me feel totally stuck-how can I get friends when my social anxiety is an issue/how can I change my social anxiety through analysis when I am supposed to have friends to GET that analysis?

So I found myself, later on at home, defending myself in a way. And I have fears that what i'm doing is inadequate. Anyway, thats when the realisations about timescales came to me and helped me feel better for a while.

Im just trying a regular standard counsellor next week. I dont want to be 'examined' or interrogated about my past right now. I just want to have a more human conversation with someone who shows a bit of empathy, about what Im going through, in a private, safe, confidential place.

But, heck, I have to admit, I feel SO lonely right now. I guess I want to feel Im being myself, and be around others who accept me as that and still like or care for me.

But such a simple thing is so complicated. Due to social anxiety. Due to not knowing how to be myself or who I am yet. Due to issues of self worth. And so on. But to solve those things will take a lot.  I WISH I could skip those parts and get to the bit where I can just call friends and relax around them and have a laugh. Sadly, I know that the change, or the learning, IS the painful journey, and the mistakes that will have to be made to get me to that point. And I dread all the heartache, loneliness and pain that will entail.

Quote from: memorex on April 15, 2018, 02:14:40 PM
Im always afraid people wont like me, so I perform and try  to be funny or clever. And its exhausting. I struggle to just be myself. I dont even know what that is anyway.

Hi Memorex,
Yes I do relate to things you've written, and this is something that also resonates with me - where you mention about trying to perform and trying to be funny or clever, and how exhausting that is - I have also done that - both as a small child and as an adult, or if I've not been 'funny or clever' then I've tried to show a 'shiny' side of myself, and kept the more depressed and anxious side hidden.  Yet, like you said, I also don't really know what 'being myself' truely is. 

When you wrote about your Analyst Therapist, I have to say I felt a bit angry, because I felt like she/he should have spoken to you, given you something - any reflection or help - and yet didn't.  I guess it's the way analysts would be - but I think I would feel similarly to you, I'd want more reaction, more 'contact' that is meaningful.

Facing a "negative and silent attitude" is soul-destroying, or at least that is what it would feel like to me, I think. 

I hope your 'regular standard counsellor' will be a better experience.  I really do. 

I hope you don't mind my writing so much here, but you mentioned feeling so lonely right now, and I wanted you to know that I feel sure that many people read your Journal, including me, and that you're not alone, even though sometimes it can feel that way - I know that feeling - I think it's possible to feel lonely in a room full of people - it's tough when you feel lonely. 

Anyway, wishing you the best with it all.

Hope  :)

Hope
I think you are aptly named. Thank you for your comments; no I really dont mind them-I welcome them. It means a lot to me. And it does make me feel a little less lonely to read. They bring some insight too. The 'Shiny' side of us is a great phrase. That's what it has always felt like. It pains me that my FOO and some others didnt want to accept the whole of me. Im not perfect, but I know I have good qualities. But some days thats not how I feel, and I wish they could love enough, (or be human enough) to accept that.

In a weird way Im sad to see your comments too-because it means you know how difficult things can be too, and have had pain yourself. I wish that weren't so.

I dont understand why its so hard to just find someone, like a counsellor/therapist/etc to talk to, who wont try to "fix" you, or sit there in silence, but can just be a bit human. Someone to just listen, be with you, in a safe, confidential, empathic way, so you can both just explore your feelings and, when you are ready,  your past too.

But instead theres always so much of an agenda from the other person. An attempt to interpret perhaps, or to try to point out what they think is something; and dont get me wrong, I totally agree those things are important-but in their own time and place.

But I really believe there is a high value in just the basic process of unburdening yourself with another, and sharing and exploring those emotions with someone who has experience of others' pain and hardship, who can be empathic.  I believe that this is a vital step towards healing the past, and that without it, for many, it can be too painful to 'skip' this step and go straight to having the other person giving you their spin on what you should or shoudln't be doing.

It seems The Samaritans do something a bit like this, but of course, if you want to speak to them more than once, you have to go through your whole back story EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And obviously, they have a lower level of training, and its not face to face, so you lose a lot, and communication is harder.

All I want is a person to talk to in this way. Why is that SO hard to find? Its crazy.

I spoke to another potential therapist on the phone about a first session-but no, they 'dont do that' as they are 'person centred', and 'would want to focus on what THEY felt was important'.

'But', I said, 'I thought you said 'person centred' means the session is 'client led', so I would be able to talk about what I felt able to talk about?' 'And', I followed, 'you mentioned you would never try to 'fix' someone, because you take the belief that 'you arent the expert on a client, its the clients that are the expert on themselves'...?

'Well', she said, 'client led, and 'person centred' means the client picks the starting place. But then I take it from there and what *I* consider important, and what *I* consider needs focusing on and changing....'

:stars:

It seems there's so much double talk and hypocritical gobbledygook. Trying to navigate it all in order to discover what you need feels impossible. And dont forget-I studied the thing myself and have some qualifications! But it seems so many people have just taken things and spun them into whatever they want them to mean. Thats about the third person centred therapist I've spoken to thats said the same things now. Client led sessions/person centred/no fixing people, versus the reality that THEY decide whats talked about/they try to point out things what needs changing (fixing?!)/and so on.

Client centred was developed as an alternative to the traditional psychodynamic approach of patients seen as needing changing, therapists being seen as the experts, and those power dynamics-yet it seems to me all they've done is change the terminology to some nicer sounding words, stuck a pretty new bow on top, and carried on as before!


I submitted a photo to my first competition today. Its very small and low level, but its the first time I've put forward one of my photos. Yes, I totally changed the subject, but I had to. I think I'd have cried if I'd not focused on something more positive instead.


I just genuinely dont get how there doesnt seem to be something out there of the kind I mention Im looking for. Am I missing something? Is there a whole profession dedicated to this that has somehow passed me by? In some secret version of the phone book perhaps? Im only sort of joking.... I really just dont get it.

I agree, Memorex. There's a lack of ability to listen to other's views in the world with empathy and openmindedness that I'm disappointed to hear. I remember in a book, it tried to define the difference between communicating and manipulation. Communicating is just trying to get your thoughts and feelings heard while manipulating is trying to change the other person based on what you share. Even if the action is supposed to be "kind" or "good" like how therapists can try to fix someone, that's defined as manipulation.

After all, the whole point of this is to give you the power to change yourself from the help of others, and other's can't just give you that power. When I share my ideas or suggestions like this, I don't see it as having power over the influence of others, but as them giving their power and choice to me. You have that choice on yourself, and it's something a good therapist better have to really fully understand their patient.

Take care, Memorex.  :hug:

very painful emotional memories came back to me earlier. Was out somewhere different, tying to do something nice for myself. All of a sudden memories flashedback from being there as a kid, memories hadnt recalled since being a young child. Very very upsetting.

Also late had some total idiot literally stand in front of me while I was on my bike. I stupidly explained I had tried to steer a different path but there were other people so I'd gone to the side, where there was ample room - until this scum had deliberately walked head on towards my bike and then just stood there. "Well then", he said, "you should have got off your bike"....still standing inches from my handlebars refusing to move on a ten meter wide pathway...

:pissed:

I should have told him where to get off but of course I didnt.

I did say "this is a shared area and pedestrians do have right of way-but theres such a thing as being reasonable"

Anyway.

Sadly, those two things ruined the trip for me. Now I feel very restless, tired, and unable to eat despite kind of being hungry.

Im so tired of all these issues and problems.

well. I won my benefit appeal. as I knew I would. shame on those monsters for putting me through all that.

glad I dont have to jump through any more of their hoops for another couple years, but it doesnt make my situation better-just no worse.

so im a bit relieved, I guess. mostly just still deeply raw from yesterday though. Literally feel cant even look anyone in eye today feel so hurt.

did speak to a beggar earlier though, as I heard some corporate security staff discussing moving him and maybe calling the cops on him. So I told the beggar what I heard and to be careful. He thanked me. only later did it ocurr to me he WAS begging right beside cash machines, which IS a bit much...! oh well, I tried...

was trying to vent anger in healthy way yesterday and accidentally broke glass vase-unbelievable. total pain in the proverbial.

Im so fed up of living here. Between the air pollution warnings (four out of five days lately), my above alcoholic neighbour who bangs around at 4am, my other irritating neghbour with her fume belching sports car, and the foul smells from a cracked sewer pipe somewhere im trying to locate, the smells and air is 24hrs a day non stop unbearable. How are you supposed to relax and 'be' when you cant even breathe in your own home?

people can be such stickheads sometimes.  really.

i'm just glad you've gotten thru the red tape and hoops, and that's all settled for a bit. 

i hate that you can't breathe fresh air, that you can't have peace and quiet even during the night, and that your neighbors are puke-a-rific.  sucks.

glad you could get it out here, tho.  i hope it helped.  love and hugs, memorex.

Quote from: memorex on April 21, 2018, 05:16:34 PM
well. I won my benefit appeal. as I knew I would.

:cheer: Things staying the same instead of getting worse is certainly good ime. I also can remember the relief at not having any more hoops to jump through for a couple of years.

As a fellow cyclist I can appreciate your annoyance at that pedestrian. Sounds as if he had some aggression to get rid of. I'm sorry he took it out on you. When somebody comes along and does that kind of thing when I'm feeling low, it's always harder.  :hug: :hug: for the painful memories last couple of days.

It must be stressful living in a place like that. It's a quiet neighborhood where I am, but most of the surrounding areas I go to is part of the big city. Lots of crowds and noises and well, I don't like much of that.

Anyway, I'm glad you made some progress. Take care.  :hug:

One day I hope to be able to move to a move to a more quiet area in the countryside, or close to a quiet beach . Somewhere I can watch the sun set or walk on some grass lost in my own thoughts with peace.

todays entry.

feel gutted. dont want to go into details right now. just feel hopeless. and my self esteem is shot too. not because of anything-just when I look in the mirror I am gutted by what I see. I have no idea whats going on with my hair. was fine until few months back now just cant get it to look halfway decent. no matter what I try.

anyway, I feel I look like crap, and that things are crap.

tried to go to support group this morning but I felt too low self esteem and ashamed of how I fear I look. Its happened in the past. Used to happen a lot.

I feel all out of hope for recovery right now. just dont know where to go from here.

Hi Memorex,
I know you're not feeling great at the moment, and I just wanted to extend a warm hug, if that's ok.  :hug: to you Memorex. 
Hope  :)

thanks, for the hug




todays entry.

Im confused about what seems available from therapy. Or rather, what doesnt seem available.

I just want to unburden myself; to share and talk about painful memories from my past, but without analysis. Like if you talked to a Samaritan or friend. Someone who can empathise, listen, keep it confidential, and be tactful.

All it seems I get with therapists is 'and what can you do about how you feel?', or 'how do you feel about that?', then 'and how do you feel about feeling that?', then 'how do you feel about feeling that feeling about that?' and so on...!

I just want someone who doesnt immediately try to steer the conversation towards trying to get me to see something, doesnt try to 'analyse' everything, and doesnt try to immediately 'solve' everything-what I've been through cant be 'solved' so easily-I just want a human being who can respond like a human being, and hear what i've said, rather than trying to read other things into it.

I dont want someone trying to open me up, or trying to make me go at a pace that is faster than I feel comfortable going at-I want to be trusted enough as an adult to know my own pace and to talk about painful things when *I'm* ready-and to stop when I've had enough for that day, not be pushed further, or pushed to analyse it, or pushed to solve it, or pushed to take some kind of 'action' about it.

I want them to let me be. Let me talk when im ready, Let me stop when its too much. Let me sit with those things and the experience of discussing them for a time so I can process them. But im tired of the pushing and analysing. Like if you told a friend of something painful, you wouldnt expect them to point out to you any patterns in your behaviour they observed, or to keep pushing you with questions about feelings again and again-at least not before they'd been a bit sympathetic/empathic.

Please can anyone reading this tell me if they, personally, have managed to find a therapist like this? or is it just that you dont mind the other things personally, such as the probing, or the questions about feelings and so on-I wont be offended, or upset if you feel different. But I'd love to know. I just want some outside views on this so I can have a think about what it is I'm looking for and if I need to reconsider my expectations.

Im just looking to see if what Im looking for is not quite realistic, and would love to know others views.

I have some views about therapy.

First, you are the boss. You have hired the therapist not the other way around. If you have made it clear to this therapist what you have explained here about what you want from therapy and they are not complying that is not the sign of a good therapist. You should have a list of goals for therapy and having someone listen to you and empathize is a worthy goal. This list can be changed and added to - by you. I spend a few minutes of most sessions reviewing what I am doing in therapy and what progress is being made because sometimes it seems so futile. It is true that some sessions will be much better than other sessions. That is just how it is.

I hear you on the questions about feelings and how one feels about their feelings - ad nauseum. When I am asked a question by a therapist I would like them to tell me if their question is to better understand me and what I have been through or if their question is to try to lead me to some sort of conclusion that they want me to reach. The former reason is much more preferable than the latter one, in my opinion.

Whobuddy

thanks for that-some very interesting points. Especially about questions being either to better understand or to instead lead clients. I think thats something I could consider myself.

its funny because I agree with the other things you mentioned as well, about it being for the client, not the therapist-yet all I personally have come across are therapists who seem unable to adapt or adjust in this way at all. For instance, last week, I saw an integrative therapist, and explained what I was looking for. She said that was perfectly reasonable, but admitted that she felt she couldnt help reverting to her habits of continuously pressing with questions about feelings.

Although it wasnt what I was looking for, her honesty was refreshing. We tried talking about some of my problems to see how it might go, but, as she said, she fell into her routine. She even commented herself that she was noticing how she kept doing it!

Other therapists I tried seem to not even admit they are inflexible. Which is maybe the thing I find difficult. I saw a relational based one who used every other question to ask how I felt about things between me and her. I tried an analytical one, who endlessly asked about subconscious patterns relating to parents. This reflects, and is in line with, each of their methodologies. But it is somewhat robotic, narrow, and rigid.

I guess my point is this-it seems (to me anyway) that although each should really be able to be flexible, my personal experience is that they aren't. That, if anything, they get very rigidly stuck to their methodology and almost feel lost when asked to ease off a bit. This is just my personal view and experience of course, and again, I would welcome other's thoughts on it.

btw, Is there a sub/page for debate on this kind of thing? I would like to hear as many views as possible as this is very interesting to me.

Well, I guess to me it all comes down to what each person needs personally. There's a right therapist for everyone, and different styles match different people. I'd say the best therapist could change their styles according to their patient rather than making the patient adapt to them.

I was lucky enough to find a therapist like this. One who was patient and understanding, but also could ask questions to delve into my history with analysis. That doesn't mean that using a mixed strategy is always a good idea though, because some people benefit most by focusing on one.

In all honesty though, in the start I thought the analytic side was the better idea. Why sit around just feeling things when I could solve it? Feelings are gross. But at the time, I was running out of options and I needed to try everything so I went and talked it out.

I thought it was wasting time, but I kept coming back to it for some reason. To trust someone and hear their gentle affirmations to me was what made me grow the most. It was already my nature to be analytical, and to have someone develop a weaker side of me was healing.

Doesn't mean I didn't need to fall into my comfort zone sometimes — my therapist eventually figured out that I calm down and trust her more if I play strategy board games with her. I'd always win those games, but somehow she won my heart.

I guess this is why in my journal you'd see that I speak a little more bluntly there — since I'm more cold and logical towards myself in contrast to the gentleness I give to and need from others. :whistling:

Who knows? Maybe we need the opposite of what we think we need? Or maybe it's different for you and you really know what you need.

See you.  :hug:

interesting thoughts from people. All useful to me.

todays entry.

Wow. REALLY hard today. One of those times when taking care of yourself feels like work.

yeah, i've had quite a few of those myself over the years.

it sounds like this therapist you're seeing may be open to being reminded when she's 'reverting' and could be brought back on track.  as whobuddy said, you are the boss.  that means that you are the one able to be more directional if you need be.  i think that's important so that you can get the most out of what you're paying for.

possibly, this t may agree with the idea of you pointing out to her what isn't helpful for you, make suggestions about what would be more helpful, and allow her to be her creative therapeutic self in order to help you get to where you want to go.  just some thoughts - don't know if it would be possible or not, or if you'd be up for that.  at any rate, best to you with this, memorex.  i do hope it ends up becoming better for you.

by the by, as a therapist, i, myself, hate the whole 'and how do you feel about that?'  arena.  ugh.  please, take care of you first, always.   love and hugs to you.

Thanks. And I agree with you.

Regarding the therapist, she emailed a few days later saying "on reflection, I dont think I can help but slip into those ways and cant do anything about that so I dont think we can work together".


......(!)

Thanks for the hugs and thoughts, theyre appreciated.


Todays entry

Since that, I saw a counselor, hoping they wouldn't be so welded to theory and thus a bit more flexible.

She exaggerated her qualifications, and I had to ask her four times before she admitted the Masters and Degree she so proudly listed on her website as her "vast number of qualifications", turned out to be for Art. All she had for therapy was a two year course. Anyway, that aside, when I put to her what I was looking for, I also mentioned the part about questions designed to understand versus questions designed to try to get me to see something.

End result? "No, nobody does what you're looking for". She seemed such a control freak-she almost shoved me aside when I tried to open or close the door myself "I DO THAT!" she squawked. I dont think she liked that I had my own ideas and qualifications that were more advanced than hers. Even though I told her I valued her experience and what she must have learned through her work.

So,  Another blow to my hopes.

I feel caught between facing the pain that there just doesnt seem to be what I feel I need, and the desire to keep searching. But  this just seems like a crazy dead end, and every time it happens it seriously hurts me. But without the search and the hope, I dont know where to go. I've got to share my load with somebody, got to unburden myself with someone I can see over time, in confidence.

I get that for many people this may be the role a friend would take-but a friend might not be able to take the deep painful stories about the past, or the emotional weight, or have the skills to know when to back off, when not to. You couldnt guarantee total privacy with a friend, or that they'd be able to cope with the emotional load or such serious events. And when you felt ready to move into the next stage of being ready for guidance or facing truths about behavioral patterns, a friend wouldnt be qualified. Plus, all this might touch their own painful experiences and be too painful for them. So where on earth do people go to fill this role-thats what I dont understand.

The Samaritans are great, and so far, are the closest I have found to what I describe. But each time you contact them you have to start your tale from the beginning. And its therefore impossible to build that therapeutic relationship with them. And they dont have the expert knowledge for the later stages. Im grateful they exist, but as I say, its still a different thing.

It utterly amazes me that there doesnt seem to be something like I have described. Especially when there seems to be everything else. Dog massages. Hug therapists. Psychic readings. Personal shoppers. Escorts. Heck, if you've enough money, you can even buy politicians these days it seems ;-)

...but what Im looking for? I dont know man. I really dont....

Seems a strange world, to me, to cater for so many things-but not for such an essential need.

Hi Memorex,
You are certainly trying to get somewhere in seeking a therapist who might be able to meet you requirements - but I can see it's a frustrating path you've tread so far.  I hope that you won't give up - and I hope you'll find someone who will be able to provide you with what you're looking for.

Just wanted to say that, because it can feel soul-destroying sometimes - and that's not a good feeling.

:hug: of support and wishing you well.
Hope  :)

And right when im feeling weak, my horrible FOO try to contact me, despite all my requests and explanations.

Typical.

Right away, due to past experiences at their hands, Im triggered, and fearing the worst-has someone died? Are they going to turn up outside my front door in a few hours? Etc.

The only good thing is I am more aware now than ever the physical and psychological cost of their actions on me. The reality is it may just be one of my parents angry at me for not doing what they want and contacting them-but look at the cost to me.

I feel relatively ok after an initial wobble-but past experience tells me I'll be affected more later and tomorrow. Im jumping at every distant car door slam I hear now, fearing its them. I hate them for what they did to me.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, Memorex. It must be incredibly stressful to be so paranoid. Sometimes I feel that way when trusting new people.

Here.  :bighug:

Thanks.

Everything is there for a reason sadly. The reaction to such noises dates back to a specific time when I had reason to fear such sounds. Horrific. Resulted in the police regularly, my dad ending up in prison, parental fake suicide attempts to get sympathy on christmas day in front of the grandchildren who were young. and more.

Ugh. Another pointless therapist scheduled for today. Dreading it, and the disappointment and reopening of painful memories again.

Dont think I'll be booking one for a while after this. Need a break and maybe a permanent one from it. Hate it. Total waste of time and money and effort. More promises down the phone of being happy to not analyse and teach but to empathise, learn and be present. Until I get there and she'll no doubt revert to type and do exactly what she said she wouldnt, Then at best she'll realise and admit she cant do it and charge me fifty quid. Great. Another day gone. Another hope gone. Another fifty quid gone, and I'll be left half opened up like a can of worms to cope on my own.

F**k that.

I too am seeing a new therapist today. There have been many over the years. Some helped, some NOT at all. Your comment about the half opened can of worms is absolutely perfect to express how it feels. Thanks for putting into words what I cannot.

I am nervous and anxious... there is so much riding on this. My H left nearly two weeks ago and has asked me to get help and support so we can try to work through this CPTSD and BPD malestrom.  He has BPD -- I have CPTSD. The fact that he is still talking to me is a miracle in of itself. He has been going to therapy off and on for awhile, but only one of us can go at a time. Can't afford the whopping bills with no insurance.

For what it's worth, hope you find what you need. I have read through parts of your journal and my heart goes out to you... please don't give up. So many people have let you down in life, you can't afford to let yourself down by giving up on finding the right support. Coming here was definitely a step in the right direction. I will be checking in and will make myself available too for you -- maybe we can awkwardly cheer each other on.  :cheer: ...now the awkward part... :blink:

overdid it yesterday. Had promised myself would take time out, relax, after recent stressful times, but got caught up with things, couldnt stop. Maybe didnt want to. felt so frustrating though.

Today feel almost physically ill. Today am gonna give it my best shot to just chill, take time out, slow down. Hope I feel better soon.

SeekingSolace;

"He has BPD -- I have CPTSD."

That sounds like a tough combination. I had a similar situation myself in the past. How did it go with your new therapist? Fingers crossed anyway.

Well, hope you feel more rested, Memorex. Sometimes I feel so tired after getting stressed that I feel sick too.

:hug:

hope you got some rest and feel a bit more vitalized, memorex. 

that whole therapist thing just sucks.  so frustrating.  wishing you the best for your new one.  same for you, solace.  i just want people to be helped, not hindered, by the ther. process.  it's heartbreaking to me to read all the stories here of how that hasn't happened.

love and hugs, memorex

thanks everyone. Every hug is very welcomed. Have been able to get some rest thankfully, though for some reason my insomnia was bad / weird last night. TBH its an improvement that I granted myself the rest I did yesterday-I usually have a hard time 'allowing' myself to rest. So thats something.

 :cheer: :cheer: on allowing yourself to rest! I used to have trouble allowing myself that too.

I'm sorry finding a T is so difficult.  :hug:

it is something, and it counts.  yay for you.  love and hugs, memorex

feel broken. managed to go to codependecy support group after a gap. felt pleased was able to make it. felt didnt want to share as felt too raw, but also felt desperately wanted connection and to feel part of it. I always dread the end, where everyone seems so happy to talk to each other, everyone seems to know each other and be so friendly-but not to me. The most I seem to get is an awkward forced half smile and a quick turn away. Makes me wonder if Im so ugly or theres something so wrong with me people cant bare to face or talk to me. I tried to hang about a bit today, against my better judgement, hoping would be different. The moment it ended, everybody was chatting loudly like a long lost family reunion. Yet again im there like an idiot, by myself, awkwardly alone.

Had to get the heck out soon as I could. Couldnt stand it for long. Dont other people sometimes come and talk to others? So why not me? I've never understood it. Hurts like *. Retriggers some of my most painful childhood memories of being forced to socialise in awful situations. It hurt like * then and it hurts like * now.

I feel totally screwed. Im scared to be alone, and scared to be around new people. How the heck am I ever supposed to get somewhere from here. I feel unfixable and beyond help.  :fallingbricks:

Hi Memorex,
I don't like social situations either - I think they are incredibly challenging, in so many ways.

I just wanted to say that I think you did well to go and attend that session today - and I feel disappointed to hear that noone made an effort to talk to you at the end of the session - especially as you were able to tolerate the situation and stayed there longer - to try to connect.  I think that shows resilience - truely.

I can understand that it would re-trigger painful childhood memories, and I wish there was a way to help with the hurt. 

Actually, I'm thinking about the fact you were able to go to that Codependency group after a gap - I think that's incredible - I'm not sure I'd have been able to do the same.  Maybe the fact there had been a gap, meant that the others had ended up being able to make closer bonds - and it was purely that, which made it difficult for them to include you?  I don't know - but I think you showed strength to do that, and whilst I know you feel broken now, I really hope that you'll be able to move forward from this.

:hug: to you Memorex.

Hope  :)

Hi memorex, I'm sorry to hear you felt lonely.  :hug: Hope has already put what I wanted to say in words, but I'm glad you made a small step in opening up too.  :hug:

well-yesterday was pure *. The noise and lack of privacy and so on around my home were so bad I gave up and temporarily decided to move to a different part of the country, though worried I cant afford it and so on. Just awful.

I later did some research online and MIGHT have found some ways to reduce noise in my home and so on, but it drives me crazy how much work, money and effort it will be just to get what should be a basic human level of quality in my life.

On the plus side....

On my second submission attempt only, I got a photo successfully approved by my City's local paper to be their picture of the day. Its not a huge thing, and I dont win anything, but the paper is for a city with a population of around a quarter of a million people, and its the first competition kind of thing I've EVER submitted one of my pictures to, and only my second submission even then. And not even my best pictures.

Im kind of jazzed about it, if you can't tell!

;D

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on the photo competition!

o, sweetie, that's so wonderful.  i can't tell you how happy i am for you.   :applause:   love and hugs.  i think it took amazing courage to submit, so kudos to you.

Brilliant to hear that you have had a photo submission accepted - Congratulations!   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thanks for the messages regarding the picture.


Todays entry

Its 2am, local time, and Im lonely as heck. At various points today I wasnt far off of phoning a parent I had cut off. Fears of 'what if theyre already dead and I'll never see them again'. Fears even of me dying.

I think I pushed myself too hard lately. Especially the other day. Stripping wallpaper, painting, filling, papering, sanding, and so on until I was almost shaking with exhaustion. And right when I go to relax, some horrible thugs outside my flat were urinating in a skip in the middle of the street in daylight. Made me feel like im crazy for trying to redecorate, and like its all for nothing, and like I should just get the heck out of here and move. Felt better when I'd slept, but as I say, after I was tired again today, big doubts about my actions came up regarding my parents.

I guess when Im very stressed I always doubt myself and fear the worst. I HATE bank holidays, and this weekend is one of them. Bad associations with the past. I always feel lonely, anxious and at a loss.

And the weather means its going to be crazy crowded in the town and local area for the next few days. I hate it. I feel lonely, compelled to 'do' and 'act' and find it hard to rest, and my anxiety over all this is making it even harder to try to be with my thoughts or find enough peace to soothe myself. My mum always forced me to stay out of the house when the weather was ok (locked me out for hours). I still feel huge pressure as a result to do this. Crazy isnt it? Decades ago, and still when its sunny, I feel anxious and like I 'SHOULD' be outside, artificially forcing myself to enjoy the weather. But thats the way it is. I'd like to just relax, maybe have a bath and read a book. But that old voice in my head says "no, youre wasting the weather and time, you cant do that".

Some days I think if there was a magic pill to erase those memories and the effect of them, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Anyone wants to throw a hug my way, I'd appreciate it.

Quote from: memorex on May 26, 2018, 01:19:15 AM

I'd like to just relax, maybe have a bath and read a book.

I very much hope that you're able to do what 'you' would like to do this weekend, and that you can keep those memories at bay, to allow yourself space to relax - having a bath and reading a book, that sounds blissful and a great idea.

I also want to extend a warm and supportive hug -  :hug: Memorex.

Hope  :)

Hope
Thanks for the support. Im aiming to try to relax this weekend...whether it'll happen or not we'll see!


Todays entry

I noticed three distinct times yesterday when I was really stressed and really felt a strong urge to contact my FOO. I dont know which of those two things is the cause; the stress, or the missing. It feels chicken and egg. Maybe a bit of both.

All I know is last night was one of the hardest I've ever had. So painful. All my dreams were of me lying in bed and crying loudly. Being alone and homeless and lost. Being attacked and fearful.

Im considering calling my parents address just to hear theyre still alive, but to not let them know its me and hang up without saying anything.

It ocurred to me that my desire to know they are alive is a reasonable human thing, not the same as wanting to get involved with them. Im not even sure right now how much difference it would make as right this second Im not really thinking or fearing about them being alive. I just dont understand whats going on with me.

I just know I feel so alone sometimes and unable to change it without a lot of slow painful change involving years of work. And at those moments I just feel so painful, so upset, alone and hurting, and often hopeless.

Im HOPING the frequency of this lately is just a sign of temporary things of pushing myself too hard, the bank holiday/weather and some other things that have happened. But its SO painful. And there are SO many problems and difficulties im also having to deal with that are stressing factors in my life.

I dont think I've ever enjoyed two days in a row in ten years unless its when I was on holiday abroad.

memorex, i relate to those messages about 'having' to be outdoors and enjoy the weather when it's good.  they are so pushy, so full of judgment and expectation, and i hate them.

i'm not much of an outdoors person, per se.  i like fresh air, so i keep a window open whenever possible.  thru that window, i enjoy seeing the outdoors and what the weather's like, and i've accepted that about myself now.  i don't have to be in it to enjoy it.

besides, i don't think of weather as good or bad - it's just weather, it changes, it manifests itself in different ways.  i enjoy seeing rain and wind just as much as sunshine.  it's been tough to push those old messages aside, tho, but i think i've finally gotten there after years and years of battling them.  i believe what helped turn that around for me was focusing on me, what i like, and accepting that.  it seemed that the more i accepted me, the less those outside messages were able to push me around.

i do hope you can find your own manner of enjoyment for the weekend, no matter what it might be.  be easy with yourself as much as possible, ok?  love and hugs, sweetie.

Hi Memorex,
:hug: to you, and hope this weekend will be a reasonable one for you.  It's very hot where I am. 
Hope  :)

Thanks for the insights and support. they all help.

Entry
Ive felt uncomfortable about posting lately. I know why. I felt worried people would think less of me if I put what had been happening lately. A few weeks back I was desperate to find a therapist who wouldnt always analyse everything, but would also sometimes be able to simply empathise, listen, give insight and so on.

I was in a bad place, and thought maybe what I was looking for was way too much. So I called a therapist out of the listings, one who I had previously not considered because I didnt feel keen on her profile. Just had a funny feeling she would be brittle.

I talked to her on the phone and she said what I wanted was perfectly reasonable. I was desperate, so immediately went ahead and booked a session. She seemed quite insecure about asking me questions, though I had said she could ask me anything, so long as I could obviously chose not to answer. She fumbled and stuttered around the questions with long preambles of "Have you...no-well...I dont know if I should ask this...maybe its not right for now...but obviously its up to you...you could....though actually..er.." and so on, before getting to a question. Anyway. No big deal. Did strike me as lacking confidence though, The 'Brittle' thought came back to my mind.

Right at the end of the second session, she asked me about my past, and I mentioned how I'd had near death things when young, but that I didnt want to go into that further yet, since it was nearly time up (literally 4 minutes on the clock left, and she sticks to time limits), and I knew enough to not go into deep emotional waters right at the end and so early in sessions-that was something I learned from a previous therapist who pointed it out to me as important regarding taking care of yourself.

I also felt this was doubly so, in the context of CPSTD, as there is literature on the importance of avoiding 'Retraumatisation', and the need to go gently at a comfortable enough pace.

Now, I had actually specifically and carefully explained all this to her in the first session, as she knew nothing of CPTSD.

And yet, she kept pushing. And pushing. I felt upset and worried she was not suitable as I had hoped. And then, right as time was up, she casually mentioned she was on holiday next week so would be away.

I said she could have told me that at the start of the session, as it affects how well things can be picked up and continued for the next week. Instead, I'd have to sit with that can of worms she had just smashed open by myself for an extra week.

So. Finally we have the next session, and I said I wished to discuss what happened then and how this was going because that was a big problem for me, as I'd explained, relating to CPTSD and effective care.

Immediately her whole demanour changed, she drew her legs up, crossed her arms, leaned back (all the obvious defensive stuff), her voice rose an octave(!) and she just so funny with me that I eventually had to point out to her. I said I dont understand this, I just want to try to discuss things to find a way through the difficulties here, yet you've suddenly become angry and defensive (...again, 'brittle@ came back to me...) .

She then switched to analysis and answered every question I asked with a question. I explained in response that, as we discussed on the phone, I didnt want to have everything analysed, and this was a simple practical issue, one that should easily be resolved, or we could discuss it and find it cant, but without discussion, how could we know or proceed?

She then said "Its up to you to decide if you want therapy here or to go somewhere else". I know that, I thought. She then proceeded to repeat this phrase LITERALLY eight times (I counted), in the next ten minutes. Finally, I said, "I dont need to be told things eight times thank you".

Then she tried "I doubt your commitment to this and you never answer questions". That was ludcirous. I pointed out all the time, energy to get there, money, and stress this was costing me, and asked her to speifically name a single question I had not answered apart from the one right at the end of the last session (which I said I'd talk about when there was more time anyway!). I said thats not true and you know it, especially since I asked you to ask me anything. I said that if anything, she had seemed uncomfortable asking me things. I also said she had been refusing to answer any question I had tried asking today.

"go on then", she said, "ask me anything, ask me". Since time was up, and she had ignored my previous ten questions, I gave up.

So. She had mentioned some kind of personal issue had happened lately, so maybe she was having an off day. That I could accept. But from the start I just got this vibe off of her as someone lacking confidence, incredibly brittle, which is not practical in therapy. Theres GOT to be room to be able to put therapy aside for a moment and tackle any relational or practical difficulties that come up and block the way. Yes, sometimes those problems are reflective of deeper patterns and problems-but me simply explaining how it was worrying for me and not a good idea regarding CPTSD to jump into huge subjects at the ends of sessions is not a personal issue, its a practical one. And if she cant discuss that without becoming offended, or defensive or whatever it was that took her over, then I cant see this is going to go anywhere. And that upsets me obviously. I also hate the idea of paying out another £50 ($75?), just to lose an hour so she can again be weird with me and leave me feeling frustrated.

Anyway. I am still angry, and confused, about it, and have a lot going on at the moment. I uncovered a potential structural problem with my home (hopefully its ok, but Im trying to get it checked out, and at best, its going to be difficult), I began making music again yesterday, after literally a three or four year gap, and last week I met someone from the support group for a coffee (though it upset me how hard I found that, and how much it drained me). Obviously theres been other stuff going on too lately.

But I just wanted to splurge about the therapist stuff, because Im worried im being perfectionist, and it was stopping me posting here.

I suspect I'll probably try another session with her, and explain my concerns about her and how it seems to be getting in the way of addressing practical problems. But I fear, and strongly feel, that it will just result in a repeat of the last time. Except this time it'll cost me more upset, and an additional fifty quid..... (sigh).

Memorex,
None of us think less of you.  I say that with confidence  :grouphug:

I think it was good self care to try a new T when you were struggling.  It sounds like this T may not be a good fit.  I've learned to trust my gut on this.  I think your gut is telling you this T is not right for you too.  Take care and we are behind you no matter what you choose.
:grouphug:

absolutely what deep blue said, memorex.

if your gut is telling you that seeing this t again will only be more of the same, maybe your gut is onto something, and it's time to find someone else.  i don't believe you were being perfectionistic at all - i thought you were coherent, laid out what you needed in the context of therapy, and much more in tune with what therapy is about (like not opening that can of worms at the end of a session).

that was all very reasonable, to my mind.  what doesn't seem reasonable is the behaviors of that t.  expressly changing the therapeutic style to one you already noted you didn't want, taking on that defensive posture and offended stance, criticizing you for something you didn't do - no, wrong.  uh uh.  it wasn't you memorex, and if you don't go back to her i wouldn't blame you.

keep taking care of yourself.  i admire how you stood up to her, how concise and precise you were in explaining what you wanted, and held your boundaries.  you go!  well done.  she's in the wrong, not you.   love and hugs.

Hi Memorex,
I think you did well to handle this situation - it sounds as if your therapist wasn't very good, at many levels.  I think you were wise to listen to your gut instinct - and I hope very much that you will be able to address these issues - either with her, or with a new therapist, depending on how you decide to proceed - but whatever you decide, I would like to wish you the best with it.   :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks guys. I appreciate the thoughts. I've only felt strong enough to reply today.

todays entry
I decided to take a break from the previous therapist for a couple weeks, then email her and see if she is prepared to accept things were not right that day, and see if either she would change that, or have a good reason for it, and assure me it would not happen again. And if not, then I guess Im done with her. I'll message her in  a few days with that.

In the meantime, although its not meant to be done, I wanted to consider my other options, and see what the other modalities are like, so arranged an appointment with a counselling psychologist. However, I am wary here, as they are very 'paper based', and insist on loads of detail, tests and hours of questions.

Now I dont have such a problem with that in itself, but for me, its vital to know if I feel comfortable with the person BEFORE I feel able to commit to ripping open my heart and telling them every problem I have and every thing that was done to me-and especially so as a cptsd sufferer, since the risk of retraumatisation in doing so is something to be considered,

But I am so vulnerable I just get sucked into these things. I tried explaining to the woman all this, but she just threw a tonne of these questions at me and a barrage of questionnaires and tests to fill in. And now today, I again feel like a can of worms someone has torn open, then cast aside on the side of the street.

At the end of the session she said it would take at least another hour to continue the tests BEFORE I can just have a 'regular' session and see how I feel about working with her and how she is. To me thats utter insanity and backwards. Especially for CPTSD. I need to feel comfortable with someone and how they work 'normally' BEFORE I can turn myself inside out for them.

:doh:

And doing the math means all this would cost me £210, three painful hours, and three weeks of sessions, BEFORE I could even get a chance to know if this is right for me. Thats utter insanity to me. Its not the money, though it is part of it, its the painful delving into my past before I get any sense of them.

It drives me crazy though. Psychotherapy isnt very scientific-but at least its less painful as you get to see how you feel with the person before tearing yourself open-whilst Psychology is (supposedly anyway) scientific, but stupidly strict on insisting you bare your soul for hours before you then get a clue of how it will be, and so may then have to walk away having gone through such pain and be left to deal with it by yourself.

I know I go on about this-but its what makes me crazy about the whole field of therapy, even speaking as someone with quite a few qualifications myself. Despite all the claims of there being so many approaches, each of them is just so entrenched and didactic and extreme, and there's not enough balance between them. None that takes a practical balanced approach. I think it works fine for a range of problems, and a range of people. But I also believe strongly that for a different range of problems and people, its useless.

Which I guess would explain why theres so many people out there who feel lost when it comes to therapy,

Anyway.

Im gonna call this one (the psychologist) and explain my feelings and see if she'll agree to a session thats 'normal' and how I dont feel able to continue with all the tests until I know more, especially in relation to CPTSD and retraumatization risk.

Actually Im going to stop this entry to call right now....

...no luck, answerphone. Left a message, now gonna be waiting anxiously for the call....

on a weird side note, this therapist tried her hand at acting once apparently, so Im in the unusual position of seeing her screaming at the top of her voice in a short film she did.... weird...!

I had some old friends from the past get in touch again lately about meeting up, but unfortunately I just totally dont feel up to it right now. I never felt able to tell them any of my problems, and dont feel able to put on a happy front. I feel mixed about it though and its painful. a part of me would like to be able to go. I guess a part of me doesnt want them to go ahead without me either or feel left out.

Urgh, I hate feeling like im stuck in a prison of all this stuff/my problems.

Anyway, I think we'll eventually meet later in the year anyway. Just bothers me also how I was consulted last at short notice. Though I know part of that was due to innocent reasons.

what else have I been up to lately?

I went out and took a bunch of photos of an area as I saw theres a photo competition related to that place, and its the next level photo thing I've found to have a crack at. Got some okay shots, but they'll need a bunch of editing as my camera has made the colours a bit rubbish.

Also -and I may have said this already but forgotten-I finally started making some new music again, literally the first stuff for about four years. And it's sounding quite promising, thanks to the better equipment I took time and effort to set up.

So today I feel a bit overwhelmed, and theres a lot of sadness thanks to yesterdays painful digging that has unearthed a bit too much

hey, memorex,

first, may i congratulate you both on your photos and your music.  love that those creative juices are flowing for you.   way to go!

second, i completely agree with you about the whole therapy thing.  i hope this psychologist is not so stuck in her 'tests' that she can't see the human side of what you are saying to her.   have you told her already that you suffer from c-ptsd and there are different dynamics involved, including a high risk of re-traumatization?  perhaps that would help, i don't know.   

i also agree that it's not right somehow to expect someone to bare their soul without some sense of the relationship, how it feels, how you feel in it.   that relationship is so important, even if it's about gathering scientific evidence/data.  we're not talking about a machine,, but a human being with a history of trauma.   that needs so much more than just answering  questions in a vacuum.

best to you with this, memorex.   i hope it goes well and the psych. is open to your needs.   love and hugs to you, sweetie.   

hey sanmagic,

yep, explained all of it to her, laid those facts out calmly and clearly. I got a phone call from her hours after I posted my last entry, where I again explained my point, and again proposed putting aside the tests for twenty minutes to get a feel for the dynamic and how things would be,  I mentioned that if that were not possible, I felt I would be unable to be completely and thoroughly honest about the rest of the test, due to the risks, money, time and so on involved. I made it cleqar I wouldnt be lying, but had to consider my wellbeing, and also that I wanted to be honest about this, rather than lie about the test answers.

She said she wasnt prepared to do either so I should find someone else, 'because thats how psychologists work'.....

Well, so much for any kind of relationship, dynamic, understanding or flexibility....

This happened late last night, and Ive not been up long due to a poor nights sleep, so Ive not really had time to process it yet.
Kind of stunned tbh.

thanks for the encouragement on the creative side-I feel good about those changes in me, and have hope its a good sign. At least there's some stuff I can sometimes enjoy in my life now, and thats gotta be something good!

grrrr!  a pox on all 'helpers' who are so stuck in an inflexible way of thinking that they are worse than no help!!!  that just sucks, and i'm really sorry you had that experience, sorry you lost sleep cuz of it, and sorry she did so little to make you feel comfortable. 

ugh!!!  right beside you on this, memorex.  love and a big hug filled with compassion and understanding to you. 


by the by, i totally believe that getting that creative side of you back is a very good thing.  yay!

crazy isnt it? hugs very much appreciated. hopefully in a bit i'll focus on my photography or something positive...
im so glad for this forum I tell ya!

:grouphug: to everybody and everyone who ever suffered here. Power to us all!

follow up entry for today.


i wanted to note an aspect of something i feel ive struggled with before. today im aware of how often i yearn for things that never were, or versions of things that were rubbish with my parents, when i feel really hurt or wounded.

for instance-today, after the pain of finding out, late night, that another avenue of help was closed off to me, i have been aware of a yearning to break my no contact with my parents. i feel strong emotions as i type this flooding up. moments of things that did happen, all too briefly. it makes me shake with yearning now...

my usually cold, childish inconsiderate dad, who once or twice held me in his arms when i was young, and showed me a bit of love, and how it was like giving water to a parched dying plant whod been starved of it for so long.

I'd give anything for that now.  :'(

but the painful truth is such actions would be followed by months of neglect, disinterest, selfishness, etc

Guess theres part of me wishes could have that bit of things. or at least a part that didnt treat me like dirt every few seconds, as he usually did the last few times I had contact with him.

As for my mum? ironically, the only times she was ever nice to me or showed any kindness, was either only when I was ill, or when my dad had neglected me. Though she was often a part of making that neglect hurt more for me, putting me in the middle of their arguments, which looking back now, Ive only JUST this second, realise were more likely arguments about themselves, with me as a handy pawn. (funny isnt it, I learn more about myself here than I do paying that therapist 70 per hour...(!)

Anyway. after the event, shed see i was upset and hurt, and try to talk me round, (though often by putting him down). yet now i recall it, i think she'd snap at me too...

well, anyway, theres a part of me that when hurt, yearns for a version or part of that. Her holding me, wiping away my tears (and now im crying a fair bit as I write too, how ironic..(!) and for once, actually coming across like a mother with a tiny bit of sensitivity to her young child's feelings, rather than being a child herself, focusing on her own needs only, and being disruptive and frightening and loud and selfish.

And, like my dad, these brief times were followed by 'regular' life; her slapping me hard across the face seemingly at random, being chased across a room in terror by her, being told cruel and horrible things by her  that terrified me, made me hate myself and feel full of guilt and shame and fear.

That was my experience.

I can also see why Im so obsessed with fears of them dying without more reconcilliation or change (though I am now learning to slowly accept that it may well happen, but is not my fault). She would ENDLESSLY go on about how I 'should appreciate her more because one day she'd be dead and I'd regret it'. Said that kind of crap to me daily when I was six years old at the most. Right when I needed a hug or some time or was upset. So I'd feel guilty, bad, and now, its the fear that always pops into my head when I feel bad-'I should try harder to reach out to them, they may be gone soon and i'll regret it and wont be able to cope on my own'.

Its almost verbatim what I was told isnt it?! Thats so unbelievable to realise. Its like being brainwashed.

guess i understand why i feel so confused about those yearnings now when im hurt. theyre tied up in very painful and confusing times of vulnerability and need, and low self worth and rejection.

the support and existence of this forum is one of the things I draw on that helps me find the strength to feel safe enough to explore these past upsetting things and process my past.

I just wanted to explore and air these feelings as I went along and see what came up. Seems a lot did.

Quote from: memorex on June 08, 2018, 03:19:32 PM

guess i understand why i feel so confused about those yearnings now when im hurt. theyre tied up in very painful and confusing times of vulnerability and need, and low self worth and rejection.

Hi Memorex,

You've written a lot of things that I relate to - and I just wanted to extend a supportive hug  :hug: if that's ok.
Hope  :)

Hope-thanks for that. Its good to know others have been where I have and still keep going.



todays entry

jesus-to add to the stress and worry, I see that my dad, who I had to cut contact with, has been phoning me again.

now again im afraid he'll turn up outside my door suddenly, or that it might mean someone has died.

best case scenario? he's just being a d*ck as usual and not respecting my wishes. sarcastic whoop.

:fallingbricks: :pissed:

slept into the afternoon. I feel shame even about that. havent eaten and dont want to. feel so scared of the world. cant believe things are as mad as they are with so many suffering. seems to me nothing ever changes across the centuries. the rich wage war using the poor to do their dirty work. the only difference today is that people dont realise nothings really changed.

I feel I know far too much about the way things are.its knowledge i kind of wish i didnt have. i wish i was as unaware as some other people seem.

standing beside you memorex, fist raised in the air in protest.

i understand that yearning for that little bit of water that was given out incrementally, never enough with which to flourish, tho.  just enough to keep us standing so that we can be knocked over again.  also know that feeling of wanting to go back.  have been dealing with that with my 'fling' these past weeks, but i also know on a deeper level that i'm setting myself for a knockdown if i make a move in that direction.  still, it's a struggle.

love and hugs to you, sweetie.

hurting today. it being fathers day doesnt help. following the unwanted phone calls, another member of FOO has 'coincidentally' suddenly started phoning also.

I always hated how they all always plotted and schemed behind my back, and are doing it again now. Makes me angry, and also literally cry.

Its so ironic that its ME how is the person feeling guilt and shame over my choices of no contact-after all they did to me, and all the hurt. Yet here I am, with their ingrained guilt in my head, feeling rotten because of self doubts and lack of confidence and self love. Even though its ultimately due to the things they did to me.

What a backwards universe.

Im trying to love myself more, accept and believe in myself. But its so hard, and even harder with interfering sh*t from them.

Feel a little  better for writing this and making sense of things. Im angry-they shouldnt have ever treated me this way. I deserve more respect and better treatment. Its not my problem that they never accepted that.

no, it's not your problem  you're absolutely right, to my mind, that they shouldn't have done what they did, and that you didn't deserve such treatment.  the guilt belongs to them for making you feel like this thru their words and actions. 

oooooh, i hate this crap so much, hate how it hurts us, how we're the ones living with such pain, battling for our sanity.  no, none of us deserved this.  it sucks.  they suck.  the whole backward aspect of it sucks.

i also agree with you that your feelings are a by-product of the abuse you went thru, not your own true self.  hang tough, memorex - we're getting thru this crapola together.  i hope they stop pestering you and leave you in peace.   love and hugs, sweetie.

ugh. thats all I want to say about today.

Ugh.

well

I phoned my dad.

I now sort of regret it.

I mulled it over for ages, was aware of an urge to do it for weeks. Came to the conclusion that I didnt want any regular contact still or anything arranged. I also didnt want to tell him anything about my life. And I didnt want to know about his.

I partly did it because I felt bullied. Not a great reason, but I feared things getting worse otherwise-I had been getting 'coincidental' calls from other family people claiming to be concerned to know I was ok.

Well, I know what theyre like, and that at a certain point someone would sit outside my front door in a car which would make me feel like *, and would be something the police couldnt and wouldnt do anything about.

Though now I think about it, I kind of think I should have trusted the police maybe would have stopped such a thing. I guess I feared the fuss and me feeling embarrassed at calling them. Well. I guess I'm learning more about how I feel about this.

Which was another reason I chose to go ahead. I knew I may regret it somewhat, but I thought that even if I did, I would learn more about myself in the process.

I also read something which wrote about no contact, and how not to beat yourself up if you break it-youre only human, and it can be a learning process even if what you learn is to avoid doing it again.

I was also deeply upset and spooked after I tried to call the Samaritans beforehand. I talked of the issue, and the lady said "But what if he dies before you next speak to him?"

I was a bit shocked, as this is my greatest fear, and main motivator for calling, and for beating myself up all the time. To be honest, if I knew he would be around for ten more years, I wouldnt have called for years until I was sure I felt more ready to deal with things.

I told her "thats my deepest fear, and its a very painful issue for me to discuss".

But she kept pushing and pushing at it. And it just made me uncomfortable and angry, and scared. I eventually hung up, and felt very upset.

So I think that filtered in there too.

Right now, I guess Im looking at things as this-I did the best I could under very difficult circumstances. But it still makes me angry having called, and speaking to that woman. I have tried EVERYTHING with my dad/family, including family therapy, to which he refused to turn up to despite agreeing to go, and lying about it all/offering to do things with him so we didnt have to sit face to face in awkward conversation, such as going to see a film (nope, he doesnt want to go see any film), I tried the same with other activities, but he has no interest. And I cant just make smalltalk with him as he has no interests, no friends, no knowledge, doesnt like anything, doesnt care about anything or anyone, and refuses to talk about the past or future. So its just very awkward painful silences.

And there were whole decades when I was young he had every opportunity to be involved in my life but chose not to.

So Im not to blame if I feel unable to deal with him now. Im not to blame if my emotions feel too painful to be around him as a result of all his neglect and awful treatment. I was the only one there for him in hospital when he got sick some time back, the rest of the family took the p*ss out of him behind his back and ignored him. And worse. Some talked of letting him die or encouraging him to when he was suicidal. My sibling even hoped he would openly so she could get his house.

And what did I get as thanks for my lifetime of putting up with his cr*p and helping him? I got treated far worse than the people who openly tried to profit from him. I got told how its always ME that is unbearable/difficult/horrible/using. Its crazy, it seems silly when I write it, yet it still hurts. Im apparantly the user though I asked for nothing and gave everything-yet the others are treated like and seen as angels, though they openly manipulate and laugh at him the whole time. And he KNOWS it, but never does anything.

Anyway. for the phone call, I wisely stuck to a mini script I created beforehand, which was just as well because right off the bat he moaned about what I had or hadnt done. I was therefore able to use my 'script' to find a goto subject to change things onto.

I kept it short, avoided slipping into giving assurances I didnt want to, and did the best I could to make it clear this was not a call to help him or because of feeling bad for him.

Hours later, I was weeping heavily, sobbing with so much old pain. Just wracked with hurt. Some of the most painful old stuff there is for me that I hadnt been in touch with for a long time. I kind of wrote an instrumental song to help me connect with the feeling.

It killed me. It was so painful as a child. 4, 5, 6 years old. Every day of every single year of my life to be honest. Just agony. Feeling like I was dying every day. So alone. So angry. Hurt. Confused. Utterly unloveable in my mind. I thought I was literally perhaps the ugliest boy on the planet. Sadly there's still a part of that thats strong in me.

All that neglect. Every day.

Anyway. I dont want to get overwhelmed with it today. I made space for it yesterday. Today I have some things I need to get on with. I wish I could find a therapist I could talk to about this stuff. One of the last ones I mentioned didnt even bother replying to my email. I had wanted to arrange a session to see if the previous obstacles could be overcome, or if she would be the same way. Yet it seems she instead has simply chosen to not reply at all.

Where does this all leave me? Fearful. A bit  lost. Scared where I go from here. My sleep has been horrible as a result of all this stress.

Despite sleeping pills, it has gradually slipped and gotten so bad I usually sleep around 5 in the morning and am up at 1pm. Well yesterday I couldnt sleep until 8am. The irony of which is that I feel shame about that due to my parents always shaming me for not being up at 'proper hours'-even though when they had depression, they slept all day sometimes.....

sweetie, you're going thru so much right now.  possibly in an ef from talking with your father and everything that brought up.  how horrible for you.  i've lived so much of my life feeling confused, i can totally relate to what you said about it.  it's a terrible way to have to be.

the idea of death of the other person - i live with that daily, since going nc with my oldest d.  odds are that i will die first, but still.  for my own health, well-being, and sanity, i choose to let the death card lay in the middle of the table.  if it's something i need to deal with, i'll do that as it comes.

however, i will not feel guilty for taking care of myself.  what she has put me thru nearly killed me at least twice.  nearly destroyed my sanity, which is another type of death of my 'self'.  death is a real possibility at any time for anyone.  do we owe it to ourselves to take care of ourselves the best way we are able?  i believe the answer is yes.

i have to believe that we deserve the best life we can give ourselves.  i've eliminated a lot of people from my life based on this premise, some family, some friends, some t's, some work-related.  some of many, many years.  i don't believe i'd have come this far, gotten as healthy as i am so far, without doing that elimination.

i don't agree with what that woman said, and i think it was wrong of her to say it.  if we're trying to help people, we don't add guilt to their distress, which was what she did.

you will do what you feel best for yourself, of course.  i love the idea that you're able to turn much of this into a learning experience for you, finding out who you are, what works best for you.  i think that's something important for us to do.  i believe that the more we know about our 'selves', the easier it is to ultimately determine what helps or what hurts us, so the easier it is to avoid what hurts us and make more progress with healing.

this stuff ain't easy, but i admire how you're taking it by the horns and doing what you need to do.  i have no doubt you'll get thru it and come out the other side stronger and more knowledgeable.  best to you with this.  love and hugs.

woke up feeling incredibly low this morning. I have a lot of fears coming up lately but thats for another day when ive more time.

off to see a gig in a bit. two hour journey, three hour concert, two hours back. scares the proverbial out of me due to my social anxiety. wish I could talk to people, meet new friends, but the truth is im not there yet. I hope I'll enjoy the actual gig part, after all the fears, travel and so on.

truth is a lot of me will be glad when its over. I really feel a need to put my many broken pieces back together soon. I really need time, space to focus, and ideally from somewhere, some help. Trouble is that at this moment I dont know where the help may be from.

I also know I may not be seeing things equally fairly today due to fears about going out for this things. so maybe and hopefully, when Ive had time to settle another day, things will feel a bit more hopeful and achievable.

i hope you are able to enjoy this gig, and also that you'll be able to settle somewhat when  it's over, give yourself some of the time and focus you need.  hope it goes well.   love and hugs to you, sweetie.

Thanks Sanmagic

Been trying to rest up after gig. Its really taken it out of me. There were moments of it I enjoyed but thanks to typical train network rubbishness, the journey back has left me in a bad way.

Entry for Monday.

Feel very low and angry today. Debilitated by various things. More unwanted intrusive answerphone messages from FOO had cut off.
And Im really angry and furious at the lack of male help out there. I've been searching desperately and endlessly for something, but theres literally no funding or money. There are countless, COUNTLESS groups for women of every single kind.

And yes, there is some help for men who conform to the stereotype of 'what a man SHOULD be'. Lots of extremes. Help for men who are gay. Or help for men who are macho stereotypical people who want to 'man up'.

But if you are anywhere in between those two extremes, if you feel a mix of things, and dont really identify with either, theres just nothing. Nothing at all. And Im sick and angry about it. It hurts me, and its going to hurt future generations of men who are today young, who we already see feeling alienated because they dont identify with the old macho male thing, but also cant be simply labelled as anything else so neatly.

It seems like men get labelled as macho or gay, and thats it. Those are your options as a male. Society and therapy doesnt seem to have a clue how to be sympathetic to, or understand, men who feel they are a complex mix of things, not a simple black or white.

Men and women perpetuate this myth. So many female and male therapeutic approaches are based on men needing to either 'toughen up', or that if they cant, its because theyre 'in the closet' and need to accept theyre 'gay'.

No wonder todays youth feel so alienated. So many young men are more able to be in touch with their emotions and creative and sensitive, and need nurturing and encouragement, not 'steering', or 'fixing', or 'outing'. No wonder there's so many male suicides. Its not enough to only have resources for people once theyre suicidal-the whole point should be to help them BEFORE they reach that point. But as I say, there's NO help for men over 25 who are also this way. I only hope there is for the younger and future ones. 

memorex, not being a man i can't really relate on that level.  i do know, however, from my days working with battered women that there were a lot of battered men out there who had no where to turn to for help.  even the batterers who wanted to stop, who wanted to look at their issues and get support were turned away.  they were looked on in only one way - bad people - and no one was willing to see them as wounded in their own right.

andyman, here on the forum, has brought this subject up as well.  i know only that men are the ones who will have to find a way to get these groups started for themselves.  women cannot do this for them.  perhaps there is a way to reach out via social media to get an online support group started.  the only ones i've known of that were quite successful were for single dads, or dads without custody of their kids.

i know there is a men's movement about being gentle warriors, that tries to put that macho thing away, and just learn how to be men - mainly because most men are raised and educated by women and haven't had a lot of actual male essence around them in their formative years.  i'm sorry i don't remember the actual name of it, but perhaps with some online searching you might find something about it.

this is not the same movement that trashes women.  that has its own following, and is not, to my mind, very positive.

my best to you with this.  maybe you and andy can form some sort of support group of two here.  it might be a start.  it's a shame that men have been overlooked in this area because they've mostly been painted with the same brush.  i hope you can find what you need, memorex.  you deserve it.   love and hugs, sweetie.

thanks for the ideas, will look into them. Regarding other stuff, I just find it disgusting how gender has become so politicized lately, how it feels like its being used by politicians to turn us against each other in society and create infighting, when we should all be helping each other. In the meantime, most local and government monies go disproportionately to women's groups. Shelters, public awareness campaigns, medical research. Even though the vast number of suicides are male, homeless are male, workplace deaths are male, cancer fatalities are male. And there's clearly a lack of cultural understanding of men in any depth other than as out of date cliches, and our media portrays them as thugs or idiots, with few role models for future generations.

I am sure one day things will change, but wonder how many will die before they do. Women also have a responsibility to change things in society to help men, as men had a responsibility to help things change for women. We're all human and should all be helping each other. Sadly, it seems our societies are instead turning to infighting instead.

Interesting point you made about boys not having much exposure to men when young. hadnt considered that.

tuesday

another night of nightmares and waking feeling hopeless. proceeding with decorating today as best as can. hard frustrating work. just cant see a light at the moment. helped a bit when called Samaritans yesterday. Let off some steam and chatted too. Had reply from Mens group had contacted but the more I hear about them the more suspect they sound to me.

They advertised themselves as being professionally organised and run by qualified trained people. Yet when I talked with them I found they had no recognised qualifications and im wary about the real intent of the group generally. Talk of going camping together in a town that has a large subsection of the  gay community that does some pretty questionable extreme stuff (4 day drug fueled mass bondage orgies, (unprotected) according to the inside scoop from a couple of female social workers) means I have to be aware and sure this isnt something to do with that. Im not to happy that im meant to meet at the home address of the two men running it for an 'interview' first either. Ok, I may be worrying too much, but then again, as I say, there is a lot of other stuff in this town and it is known. For the record, no Im not homophobic and have had gay mates. But this is about openness and honesty and making sure a group is what it says it is. Especially if im to discuss my painful past safely. And so far theyve already fallen down there in terms of self professed 'professionalism'.

So we'll see. Its this Friday, so I have a few days. But im just fed up with hoping for help, getting my hopes raised, then coming away disappointed, and being shocked at how bad things are. Maybe it could be a helpful group in a different way, I dont know. We'll see.

I just feel so lost at the moment and have done for so long. You always hear as a man how 'men just need to ask for help more',but thats simply not true. A lot of men fear doing it because they know how theres just no appropriate help available to men. And im sure a lot of women have felt similar things too. Asking for help is just apart of it. There needs to be better and more help for all of us, and there really isnt enough.

memorex, please forgive me if i sounded like women shouldn't be supporting men.  i truly believe we do need to do that on all fronts.  i totally agree with you that the entire gender kaleidoscope needs to be helping each other, supporting each other, and advocating for each other.  we are all human beings first and foremost, and that needs to be our priority.

i know it's taken a long time for women to be believed and validated - hopefully, it won't take as long for men.  dv, sa, r, - all those things that were once believed to be exclusive to women are now beginning to come to light for men.  it's a gender bias, again.   i'm really glad you're able to speak up about it here.

best to you with that gathering on fri.  i hope it's what you're looking for rather than what you might fear.  i think caution is wise in such a situation.  there are plenty of angry people out there, plenty of rebellious people who simply want to make a statement without focusing on a pos. goal of healing, support, and kinship.  love and hugs to you.

Thanks. I hope I didnt sound too soapbox-y. I admit I may have at first misunderstood your post-I appreciate you explaining what you meant, and I really thank you for your encouragement. I was very afraid to post about my feelings regarding men and women before I did it. I always have such a hard time expressing my feelings and worrying people will hate me for them. Guess i still gotta lot of work to do in that area, but I agree its a good start posting here. Its definitely a first for me!

I feel glad to see people here, such as yourself, who are open minded and realise the importance of people helping each other as human beings first and foremost. Such a strange time we live in where so many seem to have forgotten that. A friend once told me that its common for people to turn on each other in times of great economic hardship, such as global austerity. I can see that-I guess its like how people in prison who get treated badly by guards turn on each other and form gangs-instead of thinking to unite to help each other. Maybe thats a clunky example, I dont know.

Anyway. thanks for your thoughts again.Hope you are doing well. Apparantly I got my dates wrong a bit, so the group interview thing is tomorrow. Going to try to get it postponed until next week as I dont think I can handle it right now. Im sure I'll be posting about it here anyway.

Weds

Possible Trigger warning(?)


Yesterday was one of the worst evenings I've had. The whole day (and maybe the past week?) I've had more and more fears about suddenly dying. An old fear of mine of suddenly having a heart attack or something. I had pains that were more likely due to other explainable things, but it just kept popping up in my mind "what if..?", "what if...?"

I dont really know how to deal with that when it comes along. Sometimes I can at least see it as a warning bell sounding, a sign that something is wrong somehow and that I need to take it easy and be kinder to myself until it passes or until I can take a look at whats going on in my life and usually an explanation will make itself apparant. I had a bda one on the train last week, and later realised it was due partly to seeing a small boy in deep distress with his mother not long before, and that it had touched old painful memories and fears for me of my own childhood.

I've never really understood if thats the sort of thing that would be called an 'Emotional Flashback', or a 'Panic Attack', or both, or something else. Its all a bit confusing to me sometimes.

Anyway. As for yesterday, unfortunately, I felt I had to continue with decorating as my bedroom was half done and in quite a state, and with a week long heatwave due, I knew it wouldnt be possible to do any later. And I wanted to do something I felt I could see results from as I was feeling stuck and hopeless.

Maybe it led to pushing myself too much in terms of neglecting my emotional state. But I was quickly sweating, which then turned my mind to more 'known precursor symptoms of a heart attack'.... You can see where Im going with this...(!)

So of course it was only when I stopped that all the fears then had a chance to air themselves with a vengeance. And boy did they.

Full blown panic attack/EF/whatever-its-called, awful fears about to die and nobody would find me, and other horrible things.

I managed to remember some grounding methods and used those to get me to the next level, where I was able to do more stuff, to calm me down and get perspective more, and so on. Eventually it lessened, though even posting about it now I feel its there to a degree. Unlike other times, I still dont know what exactly brought this on. Maybe it falls under the heading of 'generally too much emotional stress'. I fear it coming back today, and aim to take things easier, though unfortunately I still have to do a couple of things I'd much rather not today. I have decided to try to postpone the mens group interview thing or whatever it is, until at least next week, or a time I feel able to cope with it. I can only imagine it'll either involve difficult questions about the past, and/or disappointment about what is available there. Sadly, I fear it cant be rescheduled, so I feel stressed by that.

I find it SO hard to do things like colouring, or just watching tv-things that dont have a specific 'doing' purpose. Thats part of my problem. A part of me does enjoy colouring and so on, but the old "parent" part thinks I should be 'doing', 'achieving', 'progressing' with things. And the child part of me feels a deep sense of unease and fear as a result. Almost like at any second a parent might walk in the room and discover me not doing anything, and shaming and making me feel terrible, useless and guilty for it. As they regularly did, for anything. Come to think of it, so did my sisters, so I got humiliated for doing anything I liked, and told off for it my parents.

Hmmm, I *wonder* why I have problems...?  ;)

wow, sounds like a lot of processing going on, memorex.  i don't blame you for wanting to wait a week for the men's group thing-y.  sounds like a wise decision.

i've been troubled by the idea of not doing something constructive meant i was lazy.  it haunted me far into my adulthood, and was exacerbated by my oldest d calling me that.  it was a horrible thing to think i might be perceived as such, so i went out of my way to do the work of 3 people all the time.

of course, i eventually broke down.  as one person told me i was a pony who'd continually been pulling the wagon suited to a draft horse.  boy, when she said that, i burst into tears.  it's exactly what it had been feeling like.  it's taken years of work, and being so sick i was pretty much house-bound, to get over that.  it was a toughie, tho.

best to you will all this.  i hope you find the root of your fear of dying.  it seems to me that that's an awfully large load to be carrying on your shoulders all the time.  sending love and a hug full of clarity for you.

So after getting back from town and being fed up with all the phone calls and such, I felt I had little option but to return one of them to my uncle. I knew the calls wouldnt stop otherwise. So I call and say hello and ask how he is and am polite and so on and mention the football because I know he is a fan, and the World Cup is a handy distractionary topic. He doesnt sound at all surprised/happy or anything to hear from me, and despite my warmth (even if feigned), I get little back. About 40 seconds in, and I think its going ok, all things considered, when he cuts in with "the doorbell just rang, I'll have to go, alright, bye".

And of course, stupidly, I had just begun to think maybe I had been harsh in my interpretation of him, and had made the mistake of letting myself briefly enjoy the call and some kind of familiarity. No mention of 'I'll call you back', or even 'it was good to hear from you'. Or even 'how about we meet'.

I know I hadnt wanted much contact, but it still hurts, is confusing, and suggests he was maybe only doing it on orders from my immediate FOO to begin with as I strongly suspected.

Now Im again feeling hurt, somewhat unlovable (my default thought is its always something wrong with me somehow), confused, and maybe even a bit angry.

It just amazes me the depth and breadth of the dysfunction within my childhood environment. It was never just my dad that was cold or horrible or controlling to me. It was my mother, my siblings, my uncles and aunt, my one grandparent, and the few 'friends' of the family. They all treated me with coldness and like I was dirt. Growing up I even sent those family 'friends' Christmas and birthday cards to them-Never got a single one back in return. Even after going to the funeral of one of them. I was nothing but polite and courteous to them as a kid.

Really makes me think Im somehow just repellant or weird or freak people out or something. I've never understood it. I guess when you're a kid and all you've ever known is your FOO being horrible to you, and your shy so you know few people except a few limited friends of the family or relatives who are cold to you too, its going to make you feel bad about yourself and think its you.

But that fear still lingers, especially at times like this. Why do I keep getting my hopes raised? Why didnt I just ignore the calls and block the number? How is it I still always hope maybe things will be different? Habit, desperation, pain? I just dont know. I do know I deserve better than that though. They always wanted to control me and keep me exactly where they wanted me. At arms length. No further away, and no closer. Any movement from me or derivation from their demands and I get slapped down.

i think you answered your question, memorex.  as kids, our world revolves around us, and we instinctively think that when something goes awry with the adults it's our fault.  how many kids have blamed themselves for their parents divorcing!

i also think that when we're not taught differently, we get stuck in that child mindset.  we were never taught how to proceed thru whatever happened and come out whole and feeling ok about ourselves on the other side.  so, we carry it with us into adulthood along with all the hurt, confusion, hoping it'll be different, etc.  until we're able to re-parent ourselves, our child within us, and teach them what we needed to be taught at the time, it lingers on.

just my opinion, one that makes sense to me.    it's such a horrible place to be stuck.  are you in therapy?  if so, maybe this would be something that your t could help you with.  sending love, and a hug filled with knowledge and clarity - this was done to you by them, not the other way around.

Yeah you're right. Im just struggling so much with the re-parenting thing. I have no real support network and although Im making progress in terms of self soothing, acceptance and so on, I do have that behaviour pattern of thinking its me.

Its just been hard lately with them intruding again, its pushed some painful buttons. Irony is, just before I wrote this, the self same uncle I wrote about walked right past my home.

As for therapy, I've been working hard to find something suitable and qualified, but I've had an awful time and not managed to find anything right.

Going to spend today trying to collate what resources I have, sort out the online bookmarks I have of online resources into something more easily accessible so I can hopefully make good use of whats available there.


Todays entry;

One word.

Ouch.

some past friends went out yesterday though I'd said I couldnt make it (I wasnt up to it). I was disappointed they'd all gone ahead though I'd said I could make it weeks later (it was arranged about three weeks back.

What stung though was a social media picture that one of the people commented on who was there, stating they were missing someone else who hadnt been free, and not mentioning me at all. I had thought of this person as something of a friend, someone I felt a kinship with, but had often wondered maybe didnt feel the same back.

Oh I hope this doesnt sound whiny. Im not good at explaining things sometimes, Anyway, I felt rubbish seperately and now feel worse. The next talk is of a meal which unfortunately is hard for me due to food issues. And these friends arent the kind to understand such issues, and some are quite gossipy and spread private stuff.

I know I've got problems, but surely mates are partly there to understand and accept.

As a random sidenote, something else bothering me is my hair seems to have gone crazy lately and just looks rubbish whatever I do. And I've always felt if my hair looks alright then I look just about ok. For some reason it seems to be have mutated into my sister's hair lately and gone all weird. I know my self esteem is pretty rubbish lately anyway, but it doesnt help.

last week was a lot of hassle to reschedule the meeting for the mens group. the guy kept saying the only time both of them were free to meet me was on thursday. I pointed out I had been trying to arrange something for ages, had had few replies or contact from them, was free most days, and that they said the next group doesnt start until September, which gives 9 weeks to arrange a short meeting.

And again I got no reply.

So again, I contacted them. Tuesday, (today) was arranged for 6pm.

Now Ive just seen a late email from them saying they want me to switch it to 5pm, which I cant do. I said it was too last minute and to let me know if they were cancelling 6pm. We'll see if he replies....

Meantime, I had enquired weeks back how they make sure of healthy boundaries being respected in the group since it is in an area with a high level of gay underground groups, involves camping and 'retreats', and obviously theres quite a few vulnerable and confused men.

Got no reply....

We'll see if todays meet goes ahead. Its at the guys home address. Im just getting more and more wary of this.

really hurt and feel sad

fed up with people

Hi Memorex,
I am sorry that you're fed up with people, and I just wanted to send you a hug and say 'hello' - if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks-its appreciated.

had the 'interview' for the mens group yesterday. ugh. I would give it a try for a few weeks to see how it is but I suspect even that would be a bad move.

the guy running it claims to be a psychotherapist also, yet says he both runs the group AND is part of it. Not as a metaphorical thing. He  added that he and another person who used to run it went through six months of just bickering and getting angry with each other in the group in front of everyone else and verbally attacking each other whilst 'running the group'. And it was too much for others, two of whom left.

He sees no problem with this. He thinks it is good.

First rule of healthy therapy is clear boundaries/not getting to involved as a therapist/not blurring positions. First thing he's doing is crossing that.

As for the rest? The moment I even mentioned a question about how do they maintain safe boundaries, especially in a town with such a large homosexual community, in a group of hurt and often confused and vulnerable individuals, he got very funny with me. Even though he'd just said I could ask anything, no matter what.

He eventually admitted he wouldnt care or know if people in the group had intimate sexual relations with each other.

I also mentioned my background in psychology, and he seemed childish in response; "oh, I can read ANY psychology book and understand it ALL". "Its all the same thing" (No mate, it isnt, and if you'd read the books, thats one of the first things you'd know)

He then got psychiatry and psychology confused....

So he's got next to no qualifications, doesnt respect healthy practises or boundaries (which are even advised in any 12 step programs), is emotionally confused himself, according to his own words, but has the ego the size of a planet and thinks he knows it all.

Danger.

This is pretty much EXACTLY as I feared it would be. I hate this town. Theres such a high level of kooks and fake experts. Then again, he's making about £250 a week from it, so maybe thats partly why he does it. I wonder what the other parts are....

So that was how it went down.

And yet-theres that part of me that yearns for acceptance and approval, and I was really bothered how I felt he was ruling me out the moment I raised any doubts or questions.

Its catch 22-I fear sharing my emotions and feelings because of possible rejection-yet when I do so, as there, I get rejected.

Maybe Im not practising healthy expression around the right people.

fudge it! frustrated today as an acquaintance asked to meet up and would like to but just not up to it due to social anxiety and other things. And despite a heatwave, had to close all the windows as the building is literally vibrating with noise due to a huge concert nearby.

NOT a nice day, and I was already really seriously struggling.  this is horrible.

People keep telling me to move on. And I feel like im complaining or moaning for not being able to. Part of me knows everyone with a painful past needs time to grieve it and heal in their own time, but  part of me fears Im just being self indulgent.

But how am I supposed to just 'move on' when new memories and pains and realisations surface every single day?

Things I had forgotten. Realisations about why I had been a certain way related to past things. Painful realisations about the way the world works I had never understood.

How am I supposed to just paint a fake smile on my face and ignore the incapacitating hurt and pain that comes from such things?

I've had two decades of bad treatment from my FOO. Followed by one and a half decades of being in  denial and not knowing things were so wrong.

Ive had barely one half of one decade to begin to process all this and learning to cope with it.

How am I supposed to ignore all the past or speed it up or pretend it never happened? I would give anything to be able to 'change' faster, but I cant.

Is the problem me, or is this just the best that can be expected of myself given what I've been through?

the problem is not you, memorex, but what was done to you.  we are all only able to 'move on' at our own pace, sometimes in spits and spurts, sometimes with lengthy periods of time in between.  from personal experience, i know what it's like to have those realizations, etc., pop up, triggers, jabs and stabs, any and all of it, and they will definitely hinder our ability to move forward.

they all have to be dealt with, and that takes time and energy.  go as slowly as you need to, make it easy as possible, and take it easy on yourself.  how this is for you is completely individual.  this is not self-indulgence, but the process of personal healing. 

sending love and a warm, caring hug to you, sweetie.

Thanks. I guess part of my negative self talk comes from my FOO, and that was always telling me to hurry up, go faster, get things done and so on.

Suppose it partly explains my fears when Im low.

what my foo never told me was that rest was important, too, in order to have enough energy for the next task.  i was also rushed into continually doing, doing, doing.  my neg. self-talk included my being lazy if i took a break.

it wasn't till i got into weightlifting (in my 30's) that i learned the importance of resting as a healing device.  when we utilize a certain muscle group, it's necessary to take a day off in order for those little rips in the muscles to heal.  that's what allows them to grow bigger and stronger.  lifting with them every day injures them over and over, and they will eventually break down.  then they're no good for anything.

same with us.  i know this from experience - i've had several breakdowns in my life until i finally could go no farther.  that's when i had to quit everything, and became virtually housebound.  not a good feeling for one who was pretty consistently active taking care of people and things, family and job.

so,  may i pass on the lessons i learned from my own neg. messages about taking time for myself.  i'd hate to see you get to the point where you simply can't anymore.  sending love and a hug full of care and understanding.

Theres some good lessons there for me Sanmagic.

Feel very frustrated today. Like everything Im trying runs up to a brick wall. So fed up with it.

Hi Memorex,
I hope your day will get better as time goes on - sounds like a tough day.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

hope your frustration has lessened, memorex.  thankfully, these times of distress do usually end sooner or later.  i hope it's sooner.  sending love and a hug full of peace.

Really painful yearning yesterday. Cried a lot.

perhaps a trip to the healing porch might help.  there's a place for you, a lovely blanket full of soothing and calm, lemonade and muffins if you care to indulge.  i hope you keep taking care of you as much as possible during this time, sweetie.  love and hugs to you.

That sounds like a good idea. I'll be there in five. Think I'l have a blackcurrent tea.

nummy - one of my favs.  see you there.

Weds entry

Had felt so exhausted, lonely lately, that planned to see a previous therapist I worked with. One I stopped because I didnt feel safe enough with her to go into deeper issues, and felt that while it had helped a little, it didnt seem to do much more.

I thought I'd see her for a little while until I felt a bit more stabilised. Now I learn she's busy until September at the earliest.

Feel hurt.

Feel lonely.A bit scared too.

that sucks, sweetie.  it really does.

i think it was a really good idea you had about seeing her at least for stabilization.  i'm sorry you got stymied.  is it possible to let her know that if she has a cancellation to give you a holler? 

sending love and a hug of compassion and salve for the hurt you're feeling.  we're here with you as best we can be.

Sanmagic7

thanks, I am grateful for this site and the people on it. It helps to know its here. I mailed the therapist about possible cancellations, but tbh I dont hold out a lot of hope there. Guess I'll know I've done all I can though.

thurs

I kind of cant believe how insane the world is. I guess this is a bit of a vent/rant, but its also shock at seeing the way things are.

I realised the last few days I might qualify for use of a car due to my anxiety issues. Which sounded amazing at first, until I realised the additional costs. I would lose my bus pass, which saves me about £20 per week, fees for the car use would cost about £15 per week, and then of course theres petrol, about another £5 a week.

Aside from the £1,500 for training to drive, test cost and so on.

but what really got me was parking restrictions and cost.  I had no idea how crazy it is. I knew it was hard to park in areas-but I didnt know that in my entire city, there is no longer ANY free parking.

Not at hospitals if you are visiting a dying relative. Not by the beach if you want a quiet walk. Not anywhere near any shops if you need shopping.

And many of these areas charge £20 A DAY. (Not in protected car parks, just to park in the street).

And its the same in most other cities in my country now as councils have seen this is an easy way to make them money.

And obviously you cant park for free outside your own place, and unless you are lucky or wealthy, theres no garage or driveway.


So all of a sudden, the advantage and potential of having a car seems mostly pointless and an incredible drain on what little cash I have.

So much for 'free'.


Anyway, the whole thing bothered me also because I again couldnt believe the way average people are treated by our powerful, rich governments. It seems everybody is forced to pay for things ten times over. All to get stress and treated like dirt. Yet nobody ever does anything, or stands up and complains. Its insanity. Our so called public transport is shockingly bad-they have been in the news for literally treating customers in ways that you cant even treat cattle or farm animals.

So what are peoples choices? Public transport where people have been fainting due to being trapped unable to sit on airless overheating glass carriages, for hours, with no toilets, no windows, no seats, no water, no information, and not allowed to get off.

Or private transport where you pay to park. To park at home. For Insurance. For road tax, for MOT, for fuel. For repairs, For the car, All to get stuck in traffic for hours?

Only to read the car companies have been lying about car pollution readings and your car is pumping out higher levels of pollution than ever (but you will never get a penny back despite the fines the companies get).

Or you can cycle-except that there have been air pollution level warnings every day for the past month, warning people to avoid any exercise or even walking near roads, so since all cycle lanes here are by busy roads, your stuffed.

Or just get nowhere?

Of course, the rich elite are fine. Homes in the country with clean air. Private cars. Private planes, private airport lounges. Private housing with private streets and their own police forces and private healthcare.

The wealthy in our modern world LITERALLY dont ever come into contact with the poor anymore.

And Im just sick of how these super rich super powerful people are totally unaccountable to us, or to the law, yet have such power and influence behind the scenes. And yet they make their money through exploiting the poorest and most vulnerable. The more I learn, the more I realise that so called democracy and voting is just a front to make people think they have some impact and stop them turning to rioting or taking back control. Dont get me wrong, Im not advocating any non democratic means of protest. Im just shocked by seeing the truth of things, how impossible it all is, and how people, are really stuffed from the day they are born. Its a con game, a pyramid scheme. Everyday we read how even kids toys are made out of materials that cause cancer, but again, the wealthy mega corporations pay next to nothing fines, and the families affected dont see a penny.

Wal Mart circulated a memo among its top few owners, marked secret, that said that they had now managed to avoid most laws regarding unions, workers rights and so on, which was why their profits were so high, thanks to the huge political power and influence they now had among politicians. It openly said this.

Then it went on to say-"The remaining problem is that we may one day face the anger of the voter who realises what has happened, and manages to change the laws, which would affect our profits. Therefore, we need to figure out a way to try to affect political change in Washington to somehow scrapping the notion of voting, as democracy is the last obstacle we face"

I'll repeat that last bit -"SCRAP THE NOTION OF VOTING".

Like I said, the super rich never have enough money, have built kingdoms off the backs of exploiting everybody else, and OPENLY seek to ruin us more, take away our last few rights, for a few more bucks.

Rant over. Im out. To quote a singer "Stop the world, I want to get off".

Everytime I post how I feel I worry people must think im some kind of freak or go off me.

Ah, its hard.

Anyway.

Feel kind of sick today. Heavy. Groggy.

I still fear I cant take care of myself. I mean, I know I cant properly, yet. But I mean I fear I'll never get there, fear the level I can manage now is so low and so on.

I hope those are just fears. I mean, I guess Ive managed quite a lot, and some things I never thought I would, or would be able to face.

Hi Memorex,
I know you're having a hard time at the moment.  Just wanted to say that I hope things are more bearable for you - and sending you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

memorex, i'm with you all the way.  i also know about all that stuff going on, and it's despicable, and there's not one thing we can do about it.  i now avoid the news as much as possible cuz i'm sick to death of having the same things slapped in my face over and over.  your rant didn't put me off - just wanted to let you know you have a sister-in-arms here.  it all sucks.

instead, i'll send some love your way - it's the only thing i know that can cure anything. 

Aw thank you guys. Really means a lot, and helps me feel a bit better.

I can see I've been having a tough time of things lately, but reading your comments and thoughts helped.

sanmagic7-I should probably avoid the news myself. Its silly really, Im so  drawn to reading about things and find it so hard to just avoid it. I tried to compile a list of wesbites I could browse when bored that isnt upsetting. Yet sooner or later I keep drifting back to wanting to know whats going on in the world...(!) Hopefully I'll find a better balance soon.! Meantime, im happy to have a sister in arms.

Saturday

Physically a bit rough again today. Stomach pains and such. Though I guess im worrying less about it, which is  a change. Doing all I can to alleviate the pain. anti inflammatory stuff, mint tea, and so on...

Still very lonely at times of the day-yet im also having a bunch of options open up to me that I had not expected. Still new to me, and dont feel up to trying to make sense of it all just yet, but its a good thing and has some potential....

Yet weirdly, at the same time, my view of my country keeps getting worse. It was admitted yesterday the government has been using CHILDREN as paid spies, in dangerous life threatening situations. And the government was caught admitting it spies on other kids. Deplorable. At least all those stories about using mobile phones and laptops to monitor citizens private activity make more sense now. But at least in the past it was thought to just be confined to spying on adults! And as usual, nobody batted an eyelid, the news reports were quickly forgotten, and Facebook was the usual fill of pictures of dinner and so on... It brings to mind the whole East Germany thing where everybody was afraid because they were all monitored 24 hours  a day. Only now, we PAY for those listening devices..(!) Sorry, went on a rant again..!

Anyway!-So. I am in this strange emotional state where I feel worse about such big issues, yet simultaneously, I also feel a bit more optimistic about my own issues and potential. I guess its definitely better than feeling hopeless about both, which is where I have been in the past!

'Strange days indeed', to quote John Lennon.

my favorite quote about all this is from bob dylan - it's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

i'm just not surprised anymore by what's being done by whom to who.  all the rhetoric about these gadgets, how people so quickly got hooked on them, how prevalent they are, and how they are truly creating a disconnect phenomenon among humans, who need to interact person to person in order to thrive speaks to a major change that i cannot see is for the better.

still, i keep looking to my own world, my own healing, what's best for me and for those i care about, and i'm now satisfied with that.  i've been an activist much of my life for greater issues.  now my issues are closer to home and i give them more importance.  i'll be 71 this year, and have seen the evolution from a long ways back.  if we go to war, i'm sure someone will let me know.

hang tough, memorex.  do what you need to do.  i think the main thing is not to hurt ourselves with this crapola.   the madness will go on, and the stronger we can get within ourselves, well, i think that's the best we can do for the world.  care and love is what we can send out, and doesn't that make the world a better place?  love and hugs, sweetie.

Couldnt agree more. And im working to head in the same direction myself, moving from global issues to the personal level, in order to help myself. I just struggle sometimes with guilt over that. I suspect it is a hangover from when I was a kid and was shamed by my family for any time I focused on taking care of myself rather than giving my attention to them.

Its good to know theres others out there who see through whats going on with things. Let's just hope we're mistaken about the way people seem to be going(!)

Entry for yesterday

Possible trigger warnings(??)

Oh... not great. Feel some shame here, and some fear about where Im headed after yesterday due to what happened, and what I did.

I suddenly found myself with access to a free joint of marijuana.  Kind of like a sudden realisation that one had been left behind by someone. So I found myself with that temptation late at night, when I was feeling a bit bad.

I guess that sudden access bypassed my self care mechanisms. My sleep is so bad im not sleeping until 5.30am, But with the joint I didnt sleep until about 7am. Not good. Woke very tired 3.30pm. Really not good. And had eaten loads of unhealthy things when what was needed was taking good care of myself. I now feel bloated, guilty, and fear whats going on in me for doing such a thing.

Its also a bit hard as I can now see similar free access to more, and im going to have to fight to resist that urge the next time I feel low and its late and Im not thinking clearly.

Also what was horrible was I had about two or so horribly big panic attacks as a result of having it last night. Again, had fears of dying and throwing up which in the past have snowballed into worse. I managed to (partly) calm myself a bit by playing my guitar a bit, Using some grounding techniques and so on. Sadly, I know it still may not completely put me off being tempted by grass again. Right now, at least, I feel like I have no interest in ever touching the stuff again. It doesnt make me feel good, doesnt EVER make me feel relaxed, doesnt help me sleep, and obviously isnt good or healthy for me. I guess its a pattern of mine to keep staying with something unhealthy in the desperate hope that 'maybe the next time, it will help or be different' (probably because thats how I related to my family when I was young, out of fear and desperation).

Also-I know it sounds silly, but I always find free stuff so much harder to resist than if its something I've had to buy or go to effort for. It was also due to this thing being free to me yesterday that grabbed me. Ugh.

I dont know, maybe im being too hard on myself about yesterday, and it was just a slip, a result of being faced with a tempting situation I wasnt prepared for at a time of low defenses. I just feel bad, and very very rough right now. And as usual, a lot of shame, guilt, and some fear. Why do we repeat emotional patterns that hurt us?

Anyway. Im going to TRY to forgive myself, see it as a sign I must be upset and in need somehow, and try to focus on whats ahead of me, rather than on something that happened yesterday. But I gotta admit, I feel emotionally 'bad'.

God I feel so low. Theres just so little help available.

when i was smoking regularly, i was having panic attacks nightly - this happened for 3 yrs. before i quit and they magically? stopped.  i didn't know what they were at the time, just that if i was high when i tried to go to sleep for the night, i would stop breathing every time i began to fall asleep, or my throat would feel like  it was closing up and i wouldn't be able to breathe.

not a fun way to live, but i did it over and over and over until i decided i didn't want to live like that anymore.   same with cigarettes.  quit, start, quit, start, until my lungs basically gave out and i physically can't smoke now.  that's some pretty harsh reasoning for not smoking anything.  self-care?  more like self-preservation.  but it took getting to that extreme before i finally stopped.

i hope it doesn't take that extreme for you, memorex.  it's a horrible way to live, don't you think?  my heart is with you on this one.   love and hugs.

Hi Memorex,
Just popping by to say that I hope you have some better moments in the day today -  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks. Dont worry, Ive learned my lesson regarding smoking anything-for now at least.

Im just so frustrated at the lack of help there is, and scared by that fact too.

I just got done trying to contact various charities that the local authorities here 'claim' are everywhere and ready to help.

Of the list of 7 places I hadnt already tried, seven were shut down. Every. Single. One.

They were still listing places as open that had already been sold off to Corporations and converted into blocks of luxury flats!!!
All the 'reputable' websites get their information from the same place, so even the biggest places are currently listing help that is actually non existent.

This country is in such a mess, its infuriating and shocking.

Im just struggling to cope with the reality of all this. I had thought there were far more options available and help out there. There just isnt. It makes me feel overwhelming panic.

Feeling okay today, a bit unexpectedly.

Yesterday finally got my financial situation in better order than its ever been. A further step for me.

After contacting the council for local mental health alternative support services 2 weeks ago, I emailed after hearing nothing. Got nothing back. Phoned them. Waited half an hour. Phone went dead. Tried again. Woman there admitted shes the only person responsible for calls for an area with a quarter of a million people in a city known for mental health issues.

No wonder people say the government cuts are killing people.

And turns out they werent planning to reply to me. Because despite writing how I was desperate, I answered no to 2 questions, which, said the woman, means they disqualify you and dont even bother to tell you.

Earlier I called my dad. For many complex and conflicting reasons, after a lot of thought, I made the call.

It was upsetting to me. He sounded old and frail. But maybe he'd just woken after a sleep or had been doing something tiring, I dont know. I mean I guess he'd recently travelled abroad, so maybe cant be doing too badly if he's up to that...

Anyway, it was a short call as I wanted to keep it brief. I again used a kind of script to help me. And near the end he again asserted his feelings about something, and when I tried to assert mine, his tone went up, he got louder, and so on. It reminds me how he's always allowed to behave like a bullying spoiled brat, and I have to always remain calm, impervious and rock like around him. Even though thats not human, not fair, and not practical for someone to deal with. In short, its a reminder of how impossible things are there.

And yet I feel fear and guilt. Questions. Self doubts. What If I...? Maybe if I tried.....? Perhaps I should...?

Truth is, its a sad situation. I didnt create it. I didnt chose it. I tried to change it. Its a sad situation.

I guess its just hard for me to try instead to focus on the good things when im struggling to find so little help and other support.

Feel upset regarding the phone call. Old self doubts and so on. But for right now at least, I think I see through those and know to trust myself and my choices more.

Thanks goodness its cooler today and for the next few days. The weather was too much.

Feel anxious and upset at times. Better at others.

i'm really glad you're feeling like you can trust yourself more, memorex.  i think that's progress.  those phone calls/situations can be disturbing and they can also take some time to just let them filter thru  until we're rid of them.  those old patterns of communication die hard, tho.  it's amazing to me how quickly we can fall back into them.

i hate that help and support isn't there when we're so clearly wanting it.  the frustration can be relentless.  sorry you've had such a bad time with trying to find what you need.  sending you love and a hug full of 'hang tough, sweetie.'

I had planned to try something today, but I just feel to scared and afraid to do it.

Its because I feel theres so little help right now that I just couldnt face yet another letdown. Right now I would actually prefer to at least keep the option in mind as some kind of hope than to be faced with yet another option gone. Theres so few of them left.

I know in a few months things will HOPEFULLY be different, but right now, its so incredibly hard.

Im also gutted because my sleep is even worse. Woke at 3pm today still tired. I wonder how common it is for others to have their sleep ruined and hours shifted by depression/fear etc?

i've been sleeping in chunks for more years than i can remember.  4-5 hrs. a night, 2-3 hr. nap during the day, maybe a snooze in my rocking chair later in the day.  i usually only feel 'good' for a couple hours right after i wake up, then the 'tired' hits again. 

i've decided to accept it (i've had shrinks tell me i need to tend to my 'sleep hygiene') that this is how it is.  since i'm retired, i don't have to worry about staying awake all day at my job anymore, but by the time i was in my early 50's, i would fall asleep in my office in the afternoon while reading reports.  it was horrible.

my heart goes out to you, and anyone with sleep problems.  i think it's quite common in this community.  our brains have been scrambled by trauma, after all.   i hope you eventually find some relief.  love and hugs.

Its a pain isnt it? I always had the same problem as far back as school. After lunch especially, I literally couldnt think and felt almost delirious. And it stopped me working jobs in some cases like you mentioned.

Weds journal (for tuesday)

Its been an EXTREMELY hard 24 hours-for some reason issues and emotions about my dad have come up in me more than ever.

I was in tears in the afternoon over how much he hurt me again and again as a child, then in the evening I was in tears over how much I love him.

The only good thing is its the first time I was aware of both, didnt try to deny/solve/ignore one or the other.

Had a painful dream where basically found out he hadnt long to live.

Woke up very distressed. VERY. Feared literally wouldnt be able to cope if he did die soon, what with how things are for me at the moment. Managed to gradually calm myself somewhat. And I know things will change for me soon. I just fear more bad things to deal with at the moment since its such a hard time.

Anyway, still very emotional about it now. I can see he's just a severely damaged person, incapable of love, balance, truth, or anything that is important to be a parent generally(!)

Hurts a lot though still.

Im also upset about local news in my area in Britain. It mentioned how a local nursery school for three and four year olds was given a poor rating by the government...for not reporting any kids as 'potential future terrorists'(!!!!!!!)

I am not exaggerating one single bit.

What an evil country this is. Forcing nursery carers to SPY and report INFANTS!!

Im not for a second saying other places may be better than us, but lets be honest, this is just evil. Utter madness.

The overly hot weather is back. And theres a huge annoying festival in town this weekend that is a right pain in the proverbial.

And I gotta head into town today.Not a great combination.

Managing to get to sleep and get up an hour or so earlier than was lately so thats something. Was gutted yesterday when another potential therapist said was fully booked up again.

Not feeling great about my image today. Some moments I catch myself in the mirror and am happy enough. Some moments im shocked and upset.

Hi Memorex,
I hope you cope ok with the trip to town, and the heat and the festival.   :hug: to you, and I'm glad you have some moments when you feel ok about your appearance.  Hoping those 'happy enough' moments last longer.
Hope  :)

So now my internet is down and will be for four days at least. Only managed to post this due to complicated freak occurrence and a lot of work.

Just what I needed on top of everything else since I rely on the net so much.

I feel like Sandra Bullock (whimsical reference to a much forgotten film called 'The Net'...)  :stars:

managed to get temporary net coverage but not sure how long will last. Awful, awful night. Woke up gasping for air so many times. Constantly aware how tense my body was but unable to relax it. So many nightmares. None of it restful. Non stop fears about my health.

Im just not coping. All I see are the huge tasks ahead of me in my life, and I've no energy, support, or stamina to do them. And I hate to think I'll be stuck where I am.

Hi Memorex,

So sorry to hear you had such an awful night - I hope that you can get a better night tonight.  Have you tried some of the u-tube videos about relaxing?  I don't know if they might help?  I also hope that your internet connection can be sorted - because then you can maybe feel a bit more in control of some aspects -  :hug: to you, if that's ok.
Hope  :)

Sad. Tired. Drained. Wish the weather would change fast.

having lived in the desert for 16 yrs., i know how draining that heat can be.  don't forget to ingest electrolytes.  they can help.  sending love and hugs filled with uplifting spirit and cool breezes. 

Gosh, I couldnt cope with that heat. Ive been sure to hit the lemon juice and lots of water. Thankfully its cooled a bit today

Wedsnesday

INSANELY stressed by Sky customer services. Shocking. Outright insulted me. Also made comments about my ethnicity (which they were wrong about anyway).


Among todays rubbish from different staff there, after hours of calls....
Claims my net would be fixed today came and went of course. Still not working. Now my home phone isnt getting incoming calls. Some of the calls ended when rude staff refused to let me speak to any managers. Even hung up on me.

Im literally dizzy from the stress. Incapacitated. And stunned they are getting away with this. Forums show so many have complained about them but of course nothing changes. Im too exhausted to write a formal complaint. And still without net or proper phone now.

How long will this go on and will I be kept in the dark?

Thank GOODNESS its quite cool today. Yesterday was just *.  Still stressed from it. Still no sign of any progress of them doing ANYTHING at all.

Hope I can rest a bit today.

Now been told by the company they wont know anything until another five days from now. And now my phoneline is completely dead. No calls in or out. Insane.

grrrrr!  i hate this kind of crapola.  so very frustrating.  wish there was something i could do.  just sending love and hugs to you, sweetie.

Really missing love and sympathy right now. So utterly emotionally exhausted.  Drunken neighbour by my bedroom window again other night at 1am loudly talking on phone. Went out to complain and the idiot mostly ignored me carrying on his call and stumbled drunkenly into me standing on my barefoot with full weight!! Still hurts.

Wrote a letter saying this is not acceptable anymore. Had nightmares about him since. I tell you, part of me wants to beat the heck out of him. I wont, but I'd love to. Next time he does stuff like that I'm contacting my letting agent and the council. I hate this town. Its full of  inconsiderate people like him.

i can only send virtual love and sympathy, but it's from my heart.  so very sorry you have to put up with rude and inconsiderate people interrupting your night.  hate it.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Hi Memorex,
I hope that you've had a better night - and that your neighbour hasn't been disrupting it again.
Hope  :)

I am kind of shocked by his response. He shoved a typed official looking letter under my flat front door, full of name dropping of all the influential powerful people he knows. He literally made up events that didnt happen to try to claim I did things.

Thats what shocked me. The level of nastiness in it there. If he had exaggerated-that I would have expected as a tactic. But he has out and out made up stories.  Also since I had been so tolerant and considerate of him for so long.

At that point I had enough. I wrote a note back saying I dont recognize any of what he claims as it is all untrue, but was saddened he had resorted to such tactics after I had tried to spare his blushes in the previous letter. This time I would not do that and he needed to curb his alcoholism. I also stated that the next time he is banging against my bedroom window at half four in the morning because he cant stand up for drink, I will simply call the police. I also said I would do the same if he ever again makes any more lewd sexual comments to me.

I have heard nothing back - YET. I am fearful of what will happen though. I suspect nothing until he gets drunk again. I also suspect he reacted as he did, with name dropping and fantasy etc, due to sever embarrassment and desperation to control things and hide them away. He is an aide to a local politician so I suspect is terrified of these events becoming public. And thats what scares me in some ways-I dont know how extreme he is or how far he may go. I HOPE this will be the end of it

Either way, that, added to Sky now telling me it may be another five days with no net or phone, and I am very stressed.

Im also very upset today by an ex girlfriend popping up on Facebook and acting all friendly suddenly, JUST as she wants a huge favour that involves money.....

I had thought she was one of the few things from my past that wasnt so messed up...

Hi Memorex,
That is horrible what you've been through with your neighbour.  I think you were brave to write back to him.
Take care
Hope :)

Busy day.

I replied to the ex telling her politely and firmly I wouldnt be able to help with that, but if she wanted something like moral support then, perhaps, that might be different.

Thats not an easy thing for me, and of course theres been fears of guilt, or not doing enough. But I think it was a good thing to do.

Downside is it has been painful with all the past memories its brought up that now seem very different to me.

Had a bit of a cry about it earlier. Its really very painful and was a very, very painful time in my life, just as everything went crazy. Anyway, I dont want to dwell on it too much at the moment.

Been into town, got shopping delivery, spoke to the idiots at sky again who offered me a pathetic amount of compensation for all the net and phone problems. The council replied regarding the neighbour so I'll be chasing that up in a day or so. Did some cooking too. Would like to say I enjoyed the cooking but wow did I find it dull! Just couldnt get into it. Oh well, Its healthy organic stuff.

Finding it hard to slow down and stop now though tbh. Its evening now where I am, but Im still in rush mode. I think Im a bit afraid to stop in case a bunch of emotions catch me unaware.

Guess I've done all I can for the day, the best I could.

Sounds like you did the best you could, Memorex, and I hope you get a chance to relax a little and unwind.  I hope the emotions don't catch you up, and that you're able to cope.  Wishing you the best.
Hope  :)

So am just back after visiting the council for a face to face to proceed with action against my alcoholic neighbour.


very tired. Confused as to why I feel guilty. Maybe I always do whenever I stand up for myself. Was horrible having to go over all the stressful things that have happened. The guy I spoke to seemed ok though, and seemed to believe what I was saying.

Hopefully it was worth it. Though im concerned what the neighbors reaction will be after he's been notified.

Quote from: memorex on August 29, 2018, 04:53:23 PM
Confused as to why I feel guilty. Maybe I always do whenever I stand up for myself.

That could well be the reason, making itself known to you with the cautious "maybe" feeling. If we were taught as children that it was not OK to stand up for ourselves because that angered/hurt our parents, the whole of FOO, 'more important' siblings etc., then standing up for ourselves now triggers the feeling of guilt. With healing and with practice, the feeling gets reduced.

Quote from: memorex on August 29, 2018, 04:53:23 PM
The guy I spoke to seemed ok though, and seemed to believe what I was saying.

Hopefully it was worth it. Though im concerned what the neighbors reaction will be after he's been notified.

Step by step, memorex  :hug: You're working on this. I can understand your concern considering the way your neighbour has treated you but now your case against your neighbour has been some way documented to the council. You are within your rights to stand up for yourself!! If you doubt yourself, come back and we'll remind you.

I think what you say is probably right blueberry. thanks for the support. times like this am so glad to have this site. its fantastic!

Well, Im down-but I'm not out.

Having a day off today,  hope to put tasks and things to the side.

Wanted to also mention-the other day I entered my second photo competition, the first one that gives any kind of prize. Took me quite a lot of work getting the pictures ready, and I almost fouled up the submission on a technicality (!)  :doh:

But it was sorted in the end-now we'll just wait and see how it goes-but I'm proud of myself for entering, and I think the pictures are really quite good considering things.

:thumbup:

Hi Memorex,
Glad to hear you've entered those photos and that you like your work - you've done well to do that - as I know you've been through a lot of stressful things recently - and so well done for submitting to the competition, and I hope very much that you'll get a good outcome in it.
Hope  :)

I just dont get this. I've just had one hundred percent proof a therapist has been lying to me about availability, exactly as I feared.

I repeatedly said I was free anytime, any day, and did she have anything free. She told me to wait as she was busy, then in the meantime I saw her advertising sessions. Well I just got in touch again in case she'd forgot about me, and she said she only had one time slot available nearly a month from now. Then someone I know offered to call her up and pretend to be a prospective new client-and she eagerly told them she could easily do next WEEK at a number of times, and that she was free to do that weekly! And this wasnt anything that suddenly became free that had been booked previously either.

I just dont understand it and am stunned and hurt. As I said, I suspected this was the case but now I know for sure. Shes the therapist I saw for a time before but felt uncomfortable to continue with.

But in the past months I had such a hard time I just wanted to see anyone I knew a bit, so contacted her again-I cant believe I've been waiting two MONTHS for this!!

Maybe she was busy some of that time, but certainly not the past few weeks and clearly not the next month she has told me to wait.

WHAT on earth is going on here? I honestly wouldnt mind if it were due to something like her feeling she had issues herself with me and needed more time-but if so, why wouldnt she just say so? Why lie about it? She said at the start she would be honest and straight and didnt lie to clients. And in my own (partial) experience of training to be a therapist, I've never once come across anything like this.

I would honestly welcome all thoughts/views/speculation even, as Im just totally stunned and confused by this. Obviously if I choose to see her at the appointment weeks from now I will ask-but the thought of waiting even longer in such confusion, then paying her £50 to maybe lie to my face again, doesnt exactly appeal right now.

feeling angry and abandoned today. people all fake cheap smiles until anything is asked of them, then a deathly silence as everybody runs away.

 :hug:

so it seems official.

called the therapist on the phone. the one who I'd mentioned here before who had lied about sessions being available. she tried every trick there is to deny the truth.

first denied she had had any other slots that were free-until i pointed out i knew someone who she had told she was free each week to.

then she blamed me for not being clear in emails about when I was free for sessions-until I quoted back my email to her where I'd said I was literally 'free each day from 1.30pm to 9pm at any venue'.

then she claimed she thought I had been asking to be alerted of free slots AT our next session, not before then-until I quoted her her own email which had said she would 'promise to let you know straight away if anything at all becomes free'.

then she claimed she couldnt comment on anything 'because she didnt have the details in front of her'-until I suggested we talk again after she'd had a look.

then she claimed she thought I'd meant it was only in relation to free REGULAR WEEKLY slots becoming free, not one off slots-until I pointed out she had told the other person she had 'free, regular, weekly slots.'

at one point she tried anger, which didnt work on me.

then she tried to shut all communication down by claiming she 'couldnt spend ages on the phone'-even though it was her who had called me (and it had only been a few minutes).

then she tried to change the subject saying if I 'didnt want the booked slot she would scrap it'.

she seemed to be trying every single trick in the book. After each failed new trick, she wouldnt acknowledge being caught out or contradicted on the last issue, or give an explanation, or apologise. In addition, it was only thanks to me calming things down that the call even lasted as long as it did.

Im struck dumb by this, am hurt and upset.

Mind boggling, truly. Don't know why she can't say what she means and mean what she says.  :Idunno: Frustrating to say the least.  :hug:

Crikey!  I can only imagine that your therapist knows that they dont have the skills to help you, and that is a trigger for them, and so they tried to avoid apts with you, but instead of being honest and saying "I am not the right person to help you" they slipped into their own pathological avoid-ant patterns perhaps?
Good luck. 
I have had a few therapists online that were quite good.  Perhaps you could try an online psychotherapist?  Or anyone who specialises on cptsd you can find online? 

I got the distinct feeling she was beginning to panic after being caught in her lie and just began to say anything

maybe that used to be an issue she suffered with herself even (repeated lying I mean), I don't know.

But Im done with her now. Just cant believe the money, time and effort I put into trying to trust her.

dont know what to say. feel awful.

you did good, sweetie.  that whole power trip thing is the pits, and you stood up to it so courageously.  i'm just sorry she put you thru the wringer like that.  it's not right.  i agree that she should have been straight with you and avoid putting you thru all that b.s.  her job, number 1, is to put your best interests at heart, no matter what that means for her.  she epically failed with that.

sending love and a big hug full of calm and caring for your ordeal.  sorry you ended up going thru that with her.  grinds my gears.

 :hug:

Memorex,
I'm usually reading your journal, even when I don't post.

You did the right thing.  I wonder if you stumbled upon a sociopath? They don't do well when caught in their lies.

I'm so sorry for all you went through but am proud of you for closing the book on a therapist who obviously isn't worth your time.

im thankful for this site today

having a weird one. I dont feel able to face anyone today. Just cancelled my grocery delivery as cant even face faking a smile for that small interaction, or even cleaning myself up for it. Had this before. Kind of just wanted to stay in bed today.its weird,ive never allowed myself to want to stay in bed before. Always told myself I had to do more.

Part of me now worries its a sign Im struggling that I want to stay in bed. And part of me is just relieved to be able to allow myself such yearnings rather than beating myself up for them.

Having said all that, Im now about to force myself to do things...(!) 

i think it's progress that you even entertained the idea of staying in bed since it's different from before.  well done.

we do so much work that isn't tangible when battling this beast, i think it's necessary to rest every so often, take the day off, stay in bed if that's what feels best.  no guilt, no shame, a time to refuel and regroup, which is a very real thing.  i believe it's called self care.   love and hugs.

Tough day ahead. Had to be up way earlier than I've been up for months and Im feeling it. Desperately just want to go to sleep. Have plumber coming to do repairs though so cant.

Then an electrician after. Then shopping delivery after that. Then gotta go to doctors for something. Sooooo sleepy just want to curl into a ball and sleep!

Really difficult past few days. Today especially, regarding my emotions. Everything I do today comes with a boatload of painful emotional baggage from the past that hurts my heart.

Its all I can do to try to remind myself it hopefully wont always be this difficult.

 :hug: :hug: Just a thought - the emotional baggage you're feeling could be connected to all the appointments you had on the 21st. Sounds a lot to me. Even if I manage so much in one day, which isn't a given, I then tend to collapse the next day or possibly for several days afterwards.

Yeah its a good point. I think part of the problem is I struggle with accepting my limitations there. I dont want to admit that thats how much things affect me. Even though it does. And not accepting it doesnt help things.

Mon 24th entry

today been confirmed the repairs will mean they need access to my home even EARLIER in the day. At a time I havent been able to be up for since literally a year ago. Oh heck. My mood is completely affected by my sleep. I feel in a bottomless hole when I dont get enough. Utter despair and pain when Im so tired and shredded. Dreading this.

Aiming to put it off until middle of next week.

Hooray! I dont feel horrific today! (apologies for the dark humour, but hey).

Will see how the day goes, but I woke feeling somewhat better today. Yesterday I called the Samaritans, went for a walk, and other things to help myself.

Well, whatever its due to, I feel a little calmer, and at peace.

Also saw a film yesterday that lifted me.

Felt bad by the end of the day. Especially about my self image. Today my mobile seems to be severely faulty. Great....

Also had to put up with a total scumbag on a well known internet auction site. A total wack job. Kept sending me bizarre rant filled emails and despite everything STILL left bad feedback. I appealed to the site owner and we'll see what happens, but its more junk thats stressful that I dont want to have to be dealing with.

Today is part 2 (of how many parts?) of home repairs. Supposed to be here in a couple of hours to sort the bathroom. Ugh. HATE this SO much. Im currently trying to sort my sleeping to the next level, so I can be up for when the boiler repairs are due. I feel so rough and just kind of physically 'icky'.

Had intended to get my hair cut tomorrow but dont think I can face the social interaction stress. I HATE being this way and dealing with all this.

 :hug: if you want one, memorex.

Everything went wrong yesterday. Too painful to describe.

And thats without seeing a small girl nearly get hit by a car in front of me, then having the mother not give a cr*p when she found out and ignore her daughter's wellbeing.

I've gone into more detail on that in the having a difficult day section.

I wanted to write about another horrible part of yesterday here. Because it sounds so complicated and is hard to communicate.

Basically, the more I learn about this town Im in, the more I see what a horrible vile place it is.
But I dont have the means to move yet. Sadly, I was raised in this town. Of ALL the places I could have been raised, WHY here??

As a kid I was brainwashed into thinking it was great, but now I know the truth.

Theres countless statistics I could reel off about it that I see every day.

2nd highest rates of suicide in the country.

Highest rates of heroin addiction.

Highest number of pubs and alcoholism, etc, etc.

Its not even as if this place suffers from poverty-its actually quite a wealthy area. But its the most shallowest, vacuous, fake, narcissistic, self obsessed horrible place there is. And it kind of even has a bit of a global reputation for some of this stuff.

And its getting worse by the day, which is really upsetting me and driving me crazy.

I also strongly suspected that the place even had HISTORIC links to really messed up things.

And, yesterday, I finally got confirmation of some of those suspicions. Some I already knew about. But never on this level.

Im not going to go into any detail. It can all be looked up on Google anyway. But, in brief, it basically turns out that a celebrated
SATANIST (no, Im not kidding), was celebrated here, to the point where he even had his funeral here when he died. He was world famous, (and still is), and basically made Satanism known in popular culture, to the point where he was even put as one of the figures on the most famous Beatles album. You probably know who I mean by now.

This scum bag preached about the occult, about sexual sacrifices, about knowing people who raped and abused kids and so on.

And he was CELEBRATED in this flipping town!!

I know theres ways of looking at all this, like, well that was a long time ago-but it makes a lot of sense with this towns preoccupation with really messed up things and how a lot of people who move here from other places are always into really dark messed up things.

Every day I think-SURELY this place cant get any worse? And every day it seems to.

Tomorrow I'll probably find out Hitler used to spend his vacations here, or something equally messed up.....(!)

Wow, that really is messed up. I'm in your corner, cheering you on. It's a horrendous feeling to know these things actually went on in the world anywhere, without knowing that they were happening in the past in the town where you now live.

I mean its just insane really, isnt it? The level of it blows me away! For instance-literally a few hundred yards from where Im sitting there's also a 'globally celebrated' site, for people into all that 'Dark Arts' stuff, apparantly!

No mention of this at the actual site-but there it is, in black and white, written about in many books on that kind of thing. Known to many people.

And it's right in the middle of a kids park (of course....!)

Something very sick about my country.

I already knew about a world famous artist who was an admitted pedophile who repeatedly did horrible things to his own daughter. He lived in the town before he died. Similarly, all that stuff has been conveniently ignored now, even though he published his own journals where he kept dates and times of what he did. They're still available right now on Amazon or any mainstream bookshop.

And yet his artwork is STILL celebrated at the highest levels in this country, seen by millions every single day; Whilst the other things he did are quietly 'forgotten'.

Talk about messed up!!

Forgot to mention the name of the self admitted abuser. Arthur Eric Rowton Gill. His big sculpture still adorns the BBC main building in London. He also raped his sister as well as his daughter. Its all there on Wikipedia and many other news sources.

He invented the most popular type face in the world, 'Gill Sans', which is used on EVERY single London Underground sign, map, and street name in the country.

So millions see his works every day. Crazy isnt it.

Im all for the idea of being able to separate the art from the artist, but there's limits....

It may not have been clear in my last few posts but I wanted to make clear they werent addressed to anyone particularly-I was just addressing them to anybody that might have been reading, and also to myself; thinking out loud.

As for todays entry-I feel utterly lost. Incredibly desperate for reassurance too. But too scared and raw to ask for it anywhere. I feel that in certain areas, theres so little help available that its quite shocking.

I also feel sort of philosophically lost. Everything seems utterly pointless in an existential kind of way.

I desperately wish I had more/some support available.

I desperately hope this will pass.

memorex, all in all it sounds as if life is pretty difficult for you atm. So many thoughts, maybe also new realisations. I hope it helped in some way to put them down in writing here.

My experience is that these phases do pass - at least they evolve into something else, maybe better, maybe worse, but eventually you do tend to come back up again. As if you need to come back up for air and your body automatically sends you up for some.

I'm sorry you don't feel you have much support at all. Here's  :grouphug: as a symbol of support from OOTS in general. If hugs aren't your thing, well, it's just a colourful symbol of support from more than one person.

I have the feeling that in lots of countries the names of abusers or people who did other types of despicable things are coming more and more into the open. The downside for people like us with cptsd is that it can retraumatise or just be much more difficult than for others. We're more sensitive, not so indifferent. The upside for society is that these things are being talked about. I think in general it's an upside for us with cptsd too as at least some people in society realise the scale of abuse.

Can you try for a little self-care to counteract all these thoughts a bit? Even just looking at nice pictures in a book or online (like funny animal antics) to make yourself feel better for a few minutes. Or listen to music you like. Catch a spot of sunlight somewhere. Curl up somewhere warm with a blanket. Drink a nice cup of tea. Or drop by teh Healing Porch in your imagination http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9998.0

Thanks Blueberry. It has helped posting here. I also had fixed myself some fruit tea, and carried on sorting some of my photos for submission to a newspaper. Journalled some as well. It opened out my boundaries and horizons a bit to remember some different hopes for the future. And posts on this forum, such as yours, helped too.

I still feel like some aftershocks of the earlier 'earthquake' are here, resurfacing every now and then, but the ground feels a bit firmer beneath my feet at the moment.

And youre right about abusers and reactions. It is upsetting to see. Tbh its hard with this guy who did things though, as nobody is talking about him or his crimes. Its so weird how selective the media can be when it comes to uncovering such things.

Anyway. I guess its their lack of interest on this celebrated person that is probably whats pushing my buttons, and as you say, I guess im sensitive to that probably.  The feeling that the person has never had to pay any kind of cost and is still celebrated. Ah-maybe one day in the future it will change. As you can see, I find it hard to let go of feelings involving 'injustice'. Im trying to focus on the present and note how the best use of my energies is on self care for me today. But its a learning curve!

I do understand that about the injustice! A lot happened in FOO that was unjust when I was growing up so unjust things in the here and now used to trigger me tremendously. It has got better with my own healing though. I'm no longer so triggered. I hope the situation improves for you sometime too.

:thumbup: on the self-care and taking steps forward in your life, e.g. sorting photos.  :)

Feel in the hole again today. Had haircut yesterday and now just think I look awful. So depressed and hopeless today. And at same time, feel too enmeshed with FOO. Fear wont be able to cope when parents pass on. Even though I couldnt stand thought of seeing them.

I feel totally caught in a no mans land. A painful area between hating where I am and not feeling strong enough to change anything.

I desperately hope it changes soon. All my self care things feel like theyve been blown away by a hurricane. Cant get the mind focus to calm or soothe myself or use any of the tools I've built up over time.

And Im waiting for more news today on when the next round of repairs to my home will be and when I'll have to change my sleep for that I dont feel up to. They said theyd contact me by now but typically havent. Am giving it until 4.30pm then will have to call and see whats going on.

Hate all this. Feels like am in purgatory.

...and they letting agency did as I suspected and fudged things when I called them to find out whats going on. Great. So STILL no firm date when I can even try to prepare for dealing with.

I HATE this lack of knowing at such a horrible basic level.

Im SO drained when all I want to do is to be able to use what little energy I have to focus on finally trying again to rebuild a social and support network and a life of some kind

sweetie, sending you love and hugs filled with hope and peace.  i hate that feeling of not knowing also.  it seems like it wreaks havoc on my nervous system at times.  ugh. 

feel very upset today. Though my parents are still in reasonable health (as far as I know after going NC), Im having a period of fearing I'll fall apart when my mother eventually passes away, and fear I'll never be able to cope.

Its an old fear I've had since being a kid and guess it shows enmeshment still. But its so overwhelming today.

:'(

i have a similar fear about attending the funerals of my nc daughter or my npd ex (he's my dear d's father, and i would go in order to support her), so i can relate about not knowing how i would cope.  it's something that i often have to push down just so i don't get overwhelmed by it.  sometimes staying in the present day will also help, as in 'it's not happening today, so i don't need to think about it'.  it often depends how my emotional being is at that moment.

sending love and a hug full of calm to you, sweetie.  hang tough, ok?

Hi Memorex,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Appreciate the support. Thanks all.

:grouphug:

Woo-hoo!!

No idea if I won or anything, but that photo competition I entered has just been in touch to say theyre doing a calendar of the best entries and they want permission to use my entry for one of the pages.

Not bad! Not a huge prestigious competition, but it was the first actual competition of any kind I've entered after getting a picture published in the local paper, so its something.

Will see if my photo places in the final competition results overall when they announce it.

Best of luck! What exciting news!  I'm smiling for you right now.  :applause:

 :yeahthat:     :cheer:

For maybe the first time Ive journalled some of the neglect and emotional abuses I suffered as a kid (and adult) at the hands of my mother.

Im a bit scared about this as Im worried it will all be too much. Then again, a part of me feels ready to do it now, and feels its right to do it now.

Often when im scared or low, my mind goes blank and I just cant recall the awful things I suffered, leading me to doubt myself and also my choice to go NC.

Its quite shocking to see it laid out. Maybe it hurts my dream part that wants it to not be true. I dont know.

I tried calling the Samaritans - not that Im feeling suicidal - I just wanted to talk of it with someone. Couldnt get through to anyone in 3 attempts.....

Part of me is a bit relieved. Part of me is very sad.

Weird how so much of my self esteem is linked to my notion of how much or how little love my mother ever had for me/showed for me. When I see how little there was, I feel so hurt. When I feel hurt, I fear facing people. And when I fear facing people, part of me wants my mom's comforting. Something I rarely ever got as a kid. 

What a vicious circle. Oh, I wish I could give myself a phone call so I could give myself support. Theres something about it coming from someone else that is something extra

I dont feel very present as a result of all this. Dont feel very up to facing the tasks of my day today either.

Worried yesterday was a mistake. Woke up feeling I'd opened Pandora's box and I just couldnt cope with all the daily things I have to do, and all the things I have coming up in the next few weeks-but I always struggle with realizing I have painful feelings that hurt my inner child if I cant try to help and process them.

I feel like a 'bad parent'/like Im doing the bad things my parents did to me if I try to shut away the pain I've uncovered without giving proper care and love to my inner child. But as I say, Im not currently in a place where Im good at that yet, so it takes everything out of me and all my energy-which I need for the upcoming weeks and tasks.

I dont want to just 'shut off' those thoughts and feelings for a couple of weeks. That feels too much like punishing my inner child and making him stand in a corner alone. I dont know what a more balanced alternative approach thats somewhere between the two extremes would be.

Just upset today. Feels like grief.

 :hug:

Incredibly moved by the posts I saw in response to the 'having a difficult day' post I made.

Some in particular felt like an earthquake in a good way for me.

Not a bad day yesterday, though extremely tiring, and I think I overdid things.

Weird dreams, woke up a lot, and when I did, I felt awful. Just cant believe how exhausting and draining all this is-really have no energy to get certain things done. And sometimes Im finding that troubling, and worrying what Im going to do. The other part of me isnt too worried, and thinks its just part of the journey, and it will change.

TW FOR CPA

I've finally recalled the slaps and physical punishments my mother used to do to me. Its not an EF. Nor was I digging to try to recall. It organically emerged.

It amazes me how I hadnt recalled it. It AMAZES me how, now I recall it, it physically hurt back then SO much. Seriously.

Any time I ever tried to mention it, as an adult, there were attempts by her to try to ridicule me.

What a terrible thing-to be three times the size of a defenseless innocent child and to repeatedly abuse them in this way so much they shut them selves off from their body to cope. And to do it in public so they felt utterly humiliated and shamed.

Evil and vile, what she did to me. There needs to be more therapeutic education on males who were abused by their mothers in this way, not just by fathers. It happens at the hands of women far too often too, but its rarely EVER written about or shown in films or tv.  :pissed:

Feel rough and unsettled today. Having a crazy time trying to find a replacement mobile after mine broke. I now have FOUR I bought off ebay, all claiming to be brand new... and all obviously not, and with huge faults!

And I dont know if its my self esteem but my hair is driving me crazy today and looks rubbish no matter what I try to do.

I had the repairs people come check out the boiler again yesterday as the letting agent wanted a (cheaper) second opinion. Good news was they said no need for a full days work or them to come so early in the morning, which is a relief for me-but I think Im still so strung out from it that Im just having a very hard one today.

Had lots of health related fears/anxiety panic things yesterday also.

I will still have to be up at 6.30am in a week or so in order to arrange for carpet delivery which freaks me out. At best Im getting to sleep at 4am currently as it is. And thats WITH sleeping pills

And the delivery terms mean its a window slot-in other words, they deliver sometime between 7am and 12pm. So I cant even try to sleep until they've delivered.

I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on about all this, or that it was all done and sorted. Everything feels such a fight and struggle all the time. Its exhausting.

Really struggling with poor sleep at the moment. Unable to be up earlier as it means even less and worse sleep which deeply affects my mood. Which Im already struggling with.

About to finally order new carpet which means a 7am-7pm delivery window slot, which means being up at 6.30am. Dreading it. Not to mention fitting it myself and having to clear the room of furniture.

Did have a slot booked with a new therapist the day before the delivery slot but im feeling I'll have to cancel it now-I just cannot take yet another disappointment as far as therapy goes right now. This other stuff is too stressful to cope with both.

Yet I desperately want someone to talk to and confide in face to face. I hate having to make the choice but also feel I HAVE no choice. Commitments the following week and so on mean I cant switch other things around.

Hi Memorex, I hope that you will be able to manage everything - it sounds tough at the moment, and I know you're struggling - but wishing you some strength and sending you a supportive hug - I hope that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

only couple days until early delivery now. Been trying to get up earlier. Am utterly frazzled at the moment in terms of my brain. Cant even string together a sentence to type here generally.

Gotta head into town in a bit, which sucks, as I feel AWFUL about my looks today. Does bad sleep always equal bad hair? Seems to in my case....

If only I was young enough to pull off a 'deliberately' bad 'ironic' hairstyle....

feel so weird today. really busy yesterday.

cant face anything just so nervous about tomorrow and being up in time, and coping on just 2 or so hours sleep around other people in my home.

no words today, but sending love and hugs.  i hope everything irons itself out.

Hi Memorex,
Thinking of you today and hoping you managed to get some restful sleep - and that you are coping with the situation today - with the people in your home - I hope you can get some safe space even though they are there. 
Hope  :)

I feel really confused. A lot of conflicting and very strong emotions.

Last couple days were awful. Delivery I waited from 6.30am to 8pm for never showed. Endless phone calls to chase up, all getting nowhere. Endless false promises. It finally showed up yesterday at 5pm after another all day wait and phone calls. Madness.

Feel sort of disoriented. Feel REALLY scared of the emotions I have underneath, that I had to put aside in order to function and cope with the last couple of days. Where I could I tried to check in with myself, but I had nightmares last night, awful ones. that really scared me. I feel they were about the stored up things I somehow have to process.

I find it really hard to do it gradually and to see improvements in doing so. It feels almost like reopening a wound repeatedly without it getting time and space to heal. Maybe a more positive metaphor would be redressing a wound and making sure its healing well. But its not how I feel right now.

I cant believe the difficult things I have to sort by the end of the year. Feel like my days are booked up now, with things that I dont want to be doing and are hard for me.

I feel I need more time and space to process what Im feeling and to try again to find a therapist who can help (if there even is one).

Im sick of the feeling of getting THROUGH time, rather than being able to enjoy it. I am slightly looking forward to the results of my efforts-but I dont know if Im idealising really.

I just feel fed up and scared. I wish I had more fun in my life and someone to share that fun  with. Someone to sometimes be a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug. I want my life to be different.

Feel overwhelmed by choices, none off which are very good, at a really difficult time.

Ugh.

Feel stuck today, with fears that Im not progressing.

Have ticket to a concert soon that part of me would like to see, but I feel in such bad shape emotionally that I dont feel up to going. But its hard to let it go as the show has been hyped as really good. Its David Byrne of Talking Heads solo show, and critics are saying its one of the best shows ever.

I so wish my life were different and that I could cope with things more easily.  I just cant believe all the things I have to do/sort out that is coming up soon. Its my birthday soon also, and I really hoped I would be able to enjoy the day-now I suspect Im going to be feeling like Im in a hole due to all the recent things I'll have been dealing with.

Hi Memorex,
I don't know when your Birthday is, but you said it will be soon - I hope you will be able to enjoy it - I wish you the best, and if you're able to get to that concert, then I hope you'll also enjoy that too.  But whatever you do, wishing you the best.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope.

I had a good talk with the Samaritans, which helped a lot. Birthday is on the 8th of this month, so Im hoping I still have enough time to figure out some nice things to do for it.

Todays entry.

I feel so odd lately, lots of realisations about my past, and lots of overwhelming emotions. Maybe its grieving. I really feel a separation from my FOO and its hard to face building a new life myself, and moving forward in this new direction. Hard, too, to let go of so many of their ways of judging myself. I also realise I still dont see myself as 'good enough' for other people. Its funny because I dont hate myself like I used to-but I only realised the other day that my self worth is still really low. Guess that because its so far from where it used to be, I thought it was ok! Still a ways to go then, I guess.

Now Im in touch with my emotions more, its also really difficult to deal with them. Its amazing how people dont seem to understand just how closed off from my emotions I have been for most of my life-because thats what my FOO made me do to be accepted-and now my emotions are surfacing, its a whole new thing for me.

I feel like a child who is having to learn for the first time how to cope with them all-and its really exhausting! Im scared by them too sometimes. Because its such a new and foreign thing for me, it can honestly be confusing and upsetting.

Im beginning to recognise some, and to make use of soothing mechanisms when things feel too much. But its difficult sometimes. Feel a bit afraid of the clock changes and it suddenly being dark and cold now in the UK. Very wintry suddenly. Heck, everything scares me at the moment!  :doh:

Will get the results of the photo competition tomorrow. Its very small, but I do hope to place somewhere. Will see what happens. Fingers crossed!

fingers crossed, indeed, memorex. 

the advent of buried emotions can certainly be frightening, confusing, and upsetting.  may i suggest that you be patient with yourself and go as slowly as possible to let them just be. 

i hope you get to that concert.  it sounds great.   love and a gentle hug.

Good luck with the photo competition. I hope you get the results you want. 🤞

I agree with San.  I know it can be hard but try to be patient and gentle with yourself.

Well, I didnt place in the competition (stitch up!  ;) ) but they did put my picture onto a calendar they are selling. So I guess I still get a photo credit of sorts.

I think the idea of patience with myself is right. These feelings and their strength is so new to me. And my catch 22 is im so afraid of others seeing these feelings in me, so I self isolate. Which sometimes makes things more difficult, but its from a lifetime of being taught that any 'negative' unhappy feelings are bad and shameful... Wish I could flip a switch and feel more balanced about that one.

Im HOPING that in a few weeks I'll be going back to one of the self help groups. I have some tasks to do before then that, for me, are huge and not at all pleasant. Fingers crossed they'll go ok. I know I'll probably need some time after to recover.

Its a tough day today tbh, as I had a few knock backs yesterday, not just the photo competition.

Hi Memorex,
They must have liked your photo to place it in their calendar - so credit to you on taking a great photo - good enough to be displayed like that.   :)
Glad you're being patient with yourself, that sounds a good approach to take - although I appreciate how difficult it can be to do that.
All the best for this day, and not long now till your Birthday. 
Hope  :)

Hey, thanks Hope. Appreciate those thoughts.

Hi Memorex,
I think sensitivity to words can be a minefield sometimes - and I just wanted to send you a hug of compassion  :hug:  I have occasionally written comments in your Journal - but my meaning and intent has been positive - and I hope that if I ever said anything that you might consider to be insensitive - that you would let me know. 

I realise in replying in this way, I am personalising this - which may be quite annoying in itself, so my apologies for that.  My inner critic is the annoying one there.

I'm trying to offer you a supportive reply.  I am sorry to hear you've been upset by something.  I very much hope that you'll be able to enjoy your forthcoming Birthday.  I am also wondering if you decided to go to that concert or not.   

Hope  :)

Hello Hope.

I always welcome your comments, and think you are a generous, kind and warm individual. And I hope your inner critic can take some time out to give you some equal kindness and warmth for yourself.

I didnt go to the concert in the end by the way. I realised I had it emotionally linked to a whole bunch of other stuff and needed to just switch off and have a break so I could specifically focus my energies on some upcoming important things. Im glad I made the choice I did. I'd like to catch David Byrne one day of course though....

Hi Memorex,
Just seen your reply - and thank you - you are very kind to say what you said, and also to comment about my inner critic - I appreciate that.  I think I had been slightly triggered by the word 'W*tch' as I had used that word myself somewhere in the forum - but not in a derogatory way - purely in a descriptive way - but at the same time, I have other parts of me that are guilty about the fact I even said it - hence I then worried if I might have said something to you.  I am glad it is a different thing entirely.

At least you decided against the concert and you feel glad you made the choice you did.  However, I hope you do catch David Byrne one day - I will have to look him up and see what he sounds like.  I am intrigued now.

Wishing you the best Memorex
Hope  :)

Additional entry.

Argh!! (Can we use censored swear words here by the way? I forget, but want to).

I forgot about the downside of having a birthday coming up- FOO have sent post that hid the fact it was from them until opened.

JKIJDEIIEENDNEKEKN!!!! (My own version of swearing until I know for sure if its allowed).

Now I face the usual dilemma of the stress and do I package it back up and post it back or just bin it or blah blah blah... I HATE them!!

All suggestions welcome.

JKIJDEIIEENDNEKEKN!!  :blowup: :snort: :pissed: :fallingbricks:  %*+@¥£€§¶! HFUDSTDIHKHKGYDYF! that seems * * sneaky to me.

I hope your M, if she comes, will at least be decent while she's on display. You have 100% of my emotional support in this.

Quote from: Kizzie on November 06, 2018, 10:20:34 PM

Quote from: memorex on October 13, 2018, 02:11:03 PM
TW FOR CPA
There needs to be more therapeutic education on males who were abused by their mothers in this way, not just by fathers. It happens at the hands of women far too often too, but its rarely EVER written about or shown in films or tv.  :pissed:

Came across an article this morning that made me think of your earlier post. I thought you might like to read it because others are asking the same questions as you - Why aren't we talking about abusive mums? (https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/why-arent-we-talking-about-abusive-mums/news-story/629b48b93abd22be2b63f1344c0c5de6).

My M was my chief abuser and I've been talking about that for years. I am female of course, but my brothers were both abused by her too. One has always been in denial and the other is back in it, so they don't talk about it (anymore). ime there is more talk now of abusive mothers than say 20-25 years ago. A female being abused by her own mother was not something all therapists, especially female ones, wanted to hear about back then. I can sympathise that a male might also get invalidated in this kind of case. You're definitely not alone here memorex. Here on the forum I'm not the only one who writes about abuse by a mother either.

memorex, on swearing we recommend a symbol mash like *!#!!

Quote from: memorex on November 07, 2018, 11:01:42 AM
Now I face the usual dilemma of the stress and do I package it back up and post it back or just bin it or blah blah blah... I HATE them!!

All suggestions welcome.

I agree with ThreeRoses that it was sneaky for your FOO to send you a package that wasn't identifiable till you opened it.  I have discussed with a friend in the past what to do with unwanted gifts from FOO - my friend advised me to send them back unopened.  However, I didn't manage to do that - I ended up opening them, and then I just didn't send them back.  But I wished I'd been strong enough to just send them back.  But I think part of me doesn't want to upset anyone. 

Whatever you do with it, it's your choice - I hope you'll do whatever feels right to you personally.  I don't think there's a right or wrong thing to do. 

I really hope you'll enjoy your BIrthday - I would like to wish you a lovely Birthday - I hope that you do some nice things - whatever you want to do.

Hope  :)

Hi Memorex,
I hope your Birthday was ok.  Just sending you a hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)