karbon's journal

[karbon]

I feel as if I've fallen down the rabbit hole again.

Back in 2015 I was so distressingly depressed and anxious that I gave myself an impossible task to complete without feeling better. I told myself I had to train and complete a marathon. After, if I was still numb and feeling worthless and isolated, I could look at alternative options. So I started to train, and something quite miraculous occurred. I shifted. I did yoga. I worked out. I lost weight from a HEALTHY stand point, not the yoyo diets my mother had placed me on since I was 14 because she was so panicked about us gaining weight (didn't matter, I just learned to binge eat when she wasn't around - a learned behavior as an adult I have great shame and difficulty with now). For the first time, in 25 years, I loved myself. I loved all my imperfections. I loved my reflection. I loved my thoughts. I was blooming, it was spectacular. I dated, for the first time in 25 years, I dated.

And then a week before I was about to run my marathon, I was a scapegoat at my job for an incident that I was indirectly involved in and lost my job. I ran my marathon, got sick with a really bad case of pneumonia, and over the course of a year, stopped running, stopped working out, started binge eating again, gained back 40 pounds and all of the symptoms of C-PTSD that I had managed to shed. It it wasn't for those 6 months of being in a sense of recovery, I would have believed my state of anxiety, chronic isolation and distrust and feeling of self-worth were normal, that that was my normal.

I am struggling with finding my way back to recovery. My self-worth is very much tied to my self-image. I have a loathing of my body. I do believe I am good looking, just don't feel it on the inside. I tend to skip over my better attributes and zone in on the features that make me recoil. I've failed to lose weight because I struggle with being consistent on a diet and exercise regime that is healthy without tipping over on too much. I've started to run again, but can't seem to out run my anxiety like I used to. All my old tricks that worked for the first round seem to be ineffective, as if the illness has adapted and manifested into something stronger.

Frankly, I'm at a loss on what to do, except to keep trying.

[Elphanigh]

Karbon,

First welcome to the forum, I don't think I have seen you post before, if you have I apologize. I am glad you have posted about this as I struggle with food, and body image issues as well. It is a huge step to post here, and to recognize that this state of being isn't your normal. I think that is such a great starting point to begin the next layer of your healing. Are you seeing a professional to try to help with this? I know it isn't always possible, but it has made a world of difference for me.

You said you didn't know what else to do but keep trying. I think trying consistently is a good start but make sure you are kind to yourself in that approach. I know for me that can be a guilt trip waiting for myself.  I really hope you can continue to run again and find some more peace in it

[karbon]

Thank you for the kind words.

I did have my second session with a therapist today. I am concerned she's focused too much on my anxiety and doing an over load of coping skills but it's the second session and I need to let her be the counselor and recognize with being a graduate student in Mental Health Counseling I tend to over-analyze a little too much. I often forget to be kind, patient and forgiving of myself - it's so easy to show those virtues to others. It's why I've had a rough go at maintaining healthy eating. I easily allow shame and guilt to drive me into an unhealthy coping mechanism of ordering pizza and binging on it.

Happily, what I am enjoying learning are the behaviors developed over time through C-PTSD and considering my job field is behavioralism, I am hopeful on trading in these negative coping skills for more positive ones.

[Elphanigh]

I think being the second session she is probably prepping you for delving in deeper. Of course, I can't know for sure but my current T and the one before her both did that initially to help me stay stable through the more intense processing. Hopefully it will also help you find the kindness that you give others for yourself as well.

[DecimalRocket]

I find it lovely that you're using your own interest in a subject to delve into yourself. It reminds me of Oliver Sacks - a doctor who examined his own case of a physical injury and wrote a book on it. You can understand things by the book, but to be able to see it in yourself really allows a deeper perspective in it. In behaviors, there's a trigger. So maybe there's some insight in finding what triggered your healthy lifestyle to now, and why.

Being kind to yourself can be hard. Especially with trauma - I still have trouble with it myself today, along with much of us on this forum. But I hope as we be kind to each other, we become kinder to ourselves.