My day today... TW!! Nightmares and Insecurity

[Jazzy]

I'm going to write a little story about my day today. It's all completely true, but I think that writing it as a story would be the best way to share. I've been struggling over the last few months with how to be honest, but stay positive. There's negative things that happen, far more than I'd like, but I don't want to be upset all the time, and I don't want to make others feel worse either. So, I'm going to try a story approach here, and hopefully I can be both honest, and at least not too negative.

Jazzy's Day:

I only got a few hours of sleep last night. It was the worst I've had in over a year. I had night terrors every time I dozed off - familiar ones. The one's I've had many times before. The ones I recognize as soon as they start that I'm asleep, and I'm dreaming, and this is a very bad dream, and I'm stuck here... probably to experience it more than once tonight.

*** TW Nightmares ***

The kind of night terrors that make Stephen King's work look comedic. You know the kind I mean, right? The kind that destabilize you at a sub conscious level. The kind that make you wish you were in an internment camp, or *, or any where, any where but in this dream, again. But, I wasn't in any of those places, I was physically safe and sound tucked in under my blankets, mentally stuck in dream land, at the mercy of the torments of my mind, completely powerless to do anything about it.

There is only one comfort in this situation. I can't keep dreaming forever. Eventually, I will either wake up, or I will die. Either way, "this too shall pass". Let's get it over with then. The dream goes on, I know it intimately. It would be boring if not for the emotional reaction to living through it again.

Oh no, not this part... wake up, come on. Wake up! I hate this. Why can I remember and think and analyze, and know what's happening, but be unable to wake myself? I'm asleep, but in a way still conscious. The worst part begins, I go through the actions in the dream, a slave to it. Suddenly, I'm awake! I open my eyes... well, I tried to, but it didn't work. Ah, my old friend sleep paralysis is here with me tonight again. I struggle for a few seconds, but my body will not move, my eyes will not open, my toes will not wiggle, there is nothing I can do but sleep again.

The dream continues on, then finally comes to an end. I wake ever so slightly, just enough to realize it, and try to move again. Before I know it, I'm back in the dream for another round. This cycle continues a few more times. Finally I wake a little more than before. Something is forcing me to wake. I need to go to the bathroom. Okay, I can do it.

*** End TW nightmares ***

Through massive amounts of will power I manage to normalize my breathing and my head clears more. I'm so exhausted though, I need ... NO! I explode with sheer willpower, throwing myself out of the bed. I was able to get my feet under me tonight, awesome! That's so much better than hitting the floor face first.

Standing up now! We're making great progress. We are awake, we got this. Huzzah!! I stumble to bathroom, then back out again. As I'm debating on whether I should try to get some more rest, or stay awake, I spot a tarantula running across the room.

My mild arachnophobia kicks in, and I leap on to the couch. Without realizing it, I had lept in to a defensive fighting stance. My martial arts training has never let me down, and I'm sure it's saved my life more than once.  But, this is a serious situation. I've got to deal with this, and keep my calm. What am I going to do?

My head snaps to the side and my eyes narrow, glaring sharply as I realized I had already made a fatal mistake. I had taken my eyes off my enemy. That enemy had taken advantage of the situation, and had found cover, as it was no longer where I saw it just 2 seconds ago.

Okay. I'm exhausted, with night terrors, sleep paralysis, and now there's a tarantula in my apartment. What am I going to do? I very cautiously sit down on the couch to think, my eyes darting around the room, scanning for movement.

I see movement out of the corner of my eye. My entire body instantly tenses to prepare to strike. That clarity over takes me. Zen, as some would call it. You know the one I mean, right? When you're physically fighting for your life, and you become death incarnate. Everything that makes you human is gone. No thoughts, no plans, no feelings, no emotions, no awareness. There is only one thing - instinct. I was less conscious than I was when I was asleep, despite being wide awake.

As suddenly as it came over me, it was gone. The movement I had seen out of the corner of my eye was my cat coming to find me to get her breakfast. Be careful! I warned her. Then I wondered why she was so calm and seemed oblivious to the tarantula. Then I realized there are no tarantulas in this country (besides the zoo or exotic pet stores).

Okay.  I'm exhausted, with night terrors, sleep paralysis, and now I'm hallucinating too. What am I going to do?

The basics! Fresh air, exercise, a change of scenery... it should help. I'll go collect my garbage and recycle bins from the end of the driveway. I walked out to get them, but they were still full. I came back in and double checked the day. Yes, garbage collection was two days ago, but they're still full.

I was quite irritated, but I thought maybe they changed the day with the new year, so I started looking online to see what was going on.

"As a result of the cold weather, collection contractor staffing and vehicle issues, curbside garbage, recycling and organics collection continues to be delayed..."

*! I yelled furiously. You pay your employees minimum wage, and treat them poorly, so you can't keep positions filled. You also don't do proper maintenance on your vehicles to save a bit on your quarterly expenses.  I continued reading, furious.

I just got more upset as I continued to read. "There's no way I'm taking my garbage back in, then putting it back out  again later today because no one in the region knows how to balance a budget or handle employees!" I fumed on, with a lot of extra words in a variety of languages, as there never seems to be enough in any single language. "I pay my taxes, governmental incompetence is not my problem, and I refuse to take responsibility for it."

*** TW lack of security ***

As I glared at my computer screen, an ad caught my eye for an article in the newspaper. The heading said my computer had a security vulnerability, but I shouldn't panic. "Yeah, no *" I muttered. With my years of training and experience as a software developer, I know far more than I wish I did about security vulnerabilities. They're everywhere. Most of them, the public never hears about. Some of them you hear about after they've been dealt with. Only a few make an article like this, where they're publicly announced before a patch has been released to fix them. I also thought it was strange I was being advised not to panic. I can be paranoid at times, but when I'm told not to panic, I pay very close attention.

So, I read the article. It didn't make a lot of sense. It wasn't very technical. Someone who didn't really understand what was going on wrote it, trying to explain to other people that wouldn't really understand, but it's a big story, so it's got to be covered. Some of the things the writer was saying bothered me though. A lot. What he's saying shouldn't be possible... that would mean... holy *.

I quickly found the report about it, scrolled past the summary and examples, and started reading the technical details. I didn't want to believe it. What they were claiming wasn't possible! Well, it was, actually, but only if ... I closed the browser window. I was reading the one that wasn't as bad. I had a pretty good idea what the other one was going to be, but I needed to be sure I was right, so I went digging for the report on it.

I found it, and read it from the bottom up. It's a lot faster that way, the first half is introductions, explanations of terms, blah blah, I hit page up a couple times and found what I was afraid I would. Yeah. It's the worst security vulnerability in the history of computing, and it's been around for at least seven years now.

I was dumbfounded. I know chipset manufacturers are big businesses, and like all the others they cut corners wherever they can... but seriously?! They left EVERYTHING FULLY EXPOSED IN ALL THEIR CHIPS OVER THE LAST 7 YEARS FOR THE SAKE OF A BIT OF PERFORMANCE INCREASE?! Every PC, Mac, cellphone, tablet etc. is vulnerable, and nearly every enterprise server as well?! All the clients I used to work with?! Airports, banks, credit companies, government agencies, nearly every Fortune 500 company?

*** End TW  lack of security ***

I shook my head. I'm done. I'm * done. I don't understand how our society is still going, but I don't want any part of it. I'm just going to sit here and dissociate for a while. I'm going to watch some shows and play video games on my PC that is wide open for any 2nd year IT student to gain full access in to. Not many people will really even understand what's happened. Life will go on as it always had. The companies will keep making their billions, people will keep buying computers. It doesn't matter. None of it does.

....

So yeah, I've had a bad day. 

[Rainagain]

Wow,

That is like four or five of my worst days compressed into a single morning.

Just.......wow.

Not much I can say to help, I find daytime sleep is much less affected by nightmares for some reason, if you can then it might help.

[Blueberry]

 

[Blueberry]

When I can't change things, like the garbage collection issues, it helps me to put the issue away. Like imagining I put it into a box and close the lid and put the box away somewhere and then go and do something that is good for my soul. i like colouring, watching and talking to animals. Maybe you'd like to pet your cat? That reduces stress levels too. 

[Libby18]

Hi Jazzy.

Just wanted to check in with you and say that I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rotten time of it. The recurring dreams sound terrible and I know how the feelings and emotions from a night of bad dreams hang around all day, and seem to infect everything.

The scenario you describe with the garbage is exactly the sort of thing that really gets to me as well.  In itself,  it's something quite straightforward but soon becomes something much more 'global.' Then this is confirmed by the computer story (which I think I heard about,  but, unlike you,  I don't fully understand). It all just gets too much and too huge.  To me, it's a form of catastrophising,  possibly with elements of EFs thrown in.  After all, we are small and powerless,  so we can't do anything about it. This sort of reasoning is starting to help me understand why I have these feelings.  Perhaps it fits in a bit with the way you have been feeling.   I do seem to be doing a bit better at identifying feelings and their triggers,  and it does seem to be helping me overall.   My elderly in-laws are a big trigger to me, and I am hoping I can cope with seeing them next weekend. Apart from the fact that they set off personal triggers in me, they also set off extreme fears about how the country, economy etc can cope with all of these elderly people.   So the 'personal' anxiety becomes a 'global' anxiety.   

Anyway,  I hope that you are coping and am always keen to hear from you.  I would have replied sooner but I dropped my phone into the toilet! In the past,  I would have been so down on myself about this, but I was actually really calm. 

Take care of yourself.

Libby.

BTW,  pleased to hear you have a cat.  I have a lovely dog.  She has made a huge difference to my life!

[Sceal]

That sounds like a heavy day to deal with!
I hope that you are feeling better today!
*offering a hug of comfort*

[Jazzy]

Thanks everyone, your kind words are much appreciated.

I am doing a bit better, but it takes some time to recover from a day like that.

@RainAgain You were a tremendous help, thank you. It seems that almost everyone in person seems to trivialize and take advantage of the difficulties I deal with. So, being able to share honestly and openly, and have you believe me and show some compassion is a really big thing. Your little post was far more helpful to me than anyone I know personally has been. So, please  don't feel unhelpful, and thank you again.

@Blueberry I try to do exercises like that too, but sometimes things get too much for me to handle. It would have been irritating, but not such a problem if it was an isolated indecent, but there was a lot going on at that point. I do spend a lot of time petting my cats though. It helps a lot. They're amazing.

@Libby It's nice to hear from you again. I'm sorry about your phone, hopefully you've been able to resolve the problem in one way or another. It's great that you stayed calm. That makes a tremendous difference! Thank you for sharing, you make some good points. I can relate with the global anxiety feelings. I'm also overwhelmed. I have been for a while, it feels like I'm being taken advantage of from multiple people at once, and I only have so much effort to dedicate to fixing it all. Anyway, I'm starting to do better, and I'll keep chipping away at it. It will all work out in time. I will also keep you in my thoughts next weekend. I hope it goes well for you, or at least, not too badly! If you need someone to talk with, I'll be here.  I'm sure your dog will be too! It's great that you have a pet. In my experience they are helpful in a way that nothing else has been.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Jazzy, glad you're feeling better. I hope that it sticks around for you.