Elpha's new adventure

[Elphanigh]

I must have. That made my day. Deep Blue. Thank you

[sanmagic7]

what a lovely gesture, deep blue.  very cool.

el, i believe you're right - it's time for us to get a great big dose of health and well-being.  balls o' fire, won't that feel just ducky!!!   so, with a nudge from deep blue to remember such niceties as house-warming gifts, i'm sending a selection of scented soaps.  your favorite smells (i don't know what they are - i like jasmine - o, wait, you just said, lilies!!!)  to wash away pieces of what was and leave you smelling lovely.

onward!   lots of love, tons of hugs.  always.

[Elphanigh]

San, it will feel great. We are doing so much to move forward! Scented soaps are lovely, as is jasmine. Although my favorites for soaps are vanilla or lavender. Thank you so much dear  Moving forward with you my dear. Lots of love 

[Elphanigh]

I survived my first week in my new job, I have also enjoyed my first week in the new apartment. Although it barely passes for functional as unpacking has taken a back seat as I worked through my training. They have a nickname for it but I realize I can't appropriately type it here. Either way the week was survived.

Tuesdays therapy session was huge. We did emdr on a really pivotal memory that unlocked a lot of anger and some grief as well. I have been slowly processing that through the week and it really fully struck me late last night into this afternoon. I know there is more to come but what pieces I have are already like a bit of a kick to the stomach. The kind where the air just gets knocked out of your lungs and it takes a while to feel like you can get any sort of breathe.

If you want the earlier, probably more angsty version of this it is in the FOO board. Although it pertains to most of my abusers it is more tied to my family at this point.


Anyways, I can't decide how to accept that my parents didn't save me. That there is every sign to point to the fact they knew something was happening, if not early on definitely before I ever turned thirteen. Then again especially after I turned thirteen. I went through so much and they could have stopped it. My mind has jut been circling the incidents where I know someone would have caught something, or any reasonable adult would have a time least paused to think a moment, then the moments where I know for sure one of them knew.

How do I accept that they knew? How do I accept that their denial and self centered ideas were more important than even asking me if something happened? My parents still claim the titles of caring, loving, compassionate parents. They did then too. How do I accept that everyone will see that but me?  Acceptance will not excuse their actions or short comings but it is important to have. I denied my parents ever having a role, and denied them ever having any ability to know something was going on. However that is something I can't deny anymore. It is entirely too obvious.

Honestly my t validating this really struck me. I was in my anger (small in terms of how others express anger but it is a big feeling for me)  and was mentioning how much they should have noticed, or how it was basically impossible they never did. Listing of reasons why I thought that at least on some level they knew. She spoke the words (at an appropriate time) "they knew, there is very little chance they didn't know" she went on to turn around my shoulds, into didn'ts to get me unstuck, as I was stuck in "my parents should have" land, where as my parents didn't is a strong less stuck feeling phrase. Having that validation hit. Like I have always wondered and known on some level, but hearing it from someone that I have trusted so much is huge.

I thought they loved me, matter of fact when I was 5 right after the small bits of my abuse really were going I wrote an essay about my mom being my superhero... I adored her, but she hadn't turned yet and my abuse was realatively new. At least the bits I knew of it. Goodness I didn't know how wrong I would be, I didn't know just how much pain she would cause me. I could have never predicted being at any point in my life and feeling pain because of things my mom would do or not do.

*trigger warning**

I have come to accept many things about my life (although I have a lot to go). I have come to accept that I will never know exactly how many people sexually abused me, and I will never have faces to go with all of them. I accept that I was rape and abused multiple times daily for six years by people that told me they loved me, people that I trusted. Through that I accept the emotional/psychological abuse was just as present and powerful as anything physical. I accept that I was used as a punching bag or as something to be thrown around. I accept that my abusers cared nothing for me even though they claimed to. They used me and knew that initially my heart was the way to make that happen. I accept that I have witnessed many things I can never unsee, and experienced things that can never be taken back, I have a view of the world that sadly far too many understand but one that I hope is ever truly understood to the extent of which I understand it.

But my parents, I can't find it in me to accept all of their shortcomings and all of the abusive sides they had. I am recognizing them for what they aren't but acceptance is not there. It is just painstaking at this point. Especially the idea that they knew. My parents knew and didn't think I was important enough to save. I wasn't worth the aftermath it would have caused.

I think this is hard because my parents were good on many levels, but all surface ones. They threw birthday parties, made Halloween costumes, attended concerts etc. they were externally the best parents. It was behind all of that that one started to see the damage that was occurring. For years I didn't see past it, even though I experienced it. I can call their crap for what it is in a lot of areas, but them knowing and doing nothing creates just a gut reaction. I can't quite name it. I need to accept this to move forward, to start to fully process this wound... but I don't know how.

Facts are there. I was abused very openly for a large portion of my life. In public places that had my parents even glanced out a window once in a while they would have seen. I had major shifts in habits when I was younger. I also started being afraid of my teacher when I was six. To the extent I would never ask to go to the bathroom because I was terrified, so I would wet myself. Or I would get such bad panics it would happen. I was previous a calm child, and never had an issue with bladder control. School was also my favorite place to be. I became quiet, more introvert, and wanted less to do with thing sthat I used to love doing. I basically jut hid inside myself. I was constantly covered in random bruises or scrapes that the stories barely made sense to, or I just didn't know where they came from.

Worse is that they caught one abuser because of something someone else's kid said, and they didn't read the signs in me for the other abuse going on. They had seen it happen once and were blind enough to ignore the signs for another four years or more. Even farther down the line, I wrote a massive letter to a teacher which then resulted in a trip to the conselors office... both of which are legally bound to tell my parents. Matte rof fact the teacher did say that it would happen. Nothing epwas ever mentioned to me by my parents. I know that letter covered the better part of five years of abuse, and said the words I don't feel safe at home. It was the biggest cry for help I ever gave. I wrote it with the hopes he would never say anything but that he would know that I was thankful for the safe space he provided. I didnt understand reporting laws then, but I reached out because it was killing me, I had to tell someone and I needed help. I didn't reach out again for many years, and it was not in a productive trust filled way when I did.p because the first one was so screwed up.

So they knew, at many different points, they knew something. I can't really deny that as a logical conclusion... but I struggle to believe and accept they would just let it happen. That nothing gave them pause enough to think to check or care enough to say something. How was I so unimportant to them?  How does one accept this? I can't even begin really.

I know this is miles long, I will stop here as I feel like I could otherwise jut ramble emotionally on here for ages, I just needed this to be in a safe environment. I can't process this all in my head until Tuesday

[Sceal]

Oh dear Elphanigh.
This is.. I have no words that is powerful enough for how bad this is. I am terribly sorry you had to grow up in such conditions.
I just want you to know I've read your words, and that I'm thinking of you. I'll sit with you.

[Deep Blue]

Sweet Elpha,
I am hugging little Elpha now     One of the reasons I became a teacher is because teachers didn't notice what I was going through or step in when I needed it.

I made a silent promise to myself to do everything in my power to not let my kids fall through the cracks.  The system failed you so many times.  Your parents failed you.  I read what you wrote and my mama side wishes I could give you comfort IRL. 

It's is hard to accept.  I know that punched in the gut feeling... figuratively and literally.  Sending you love and support as you sort through this.
Deep Blue

[sanmagic7]

dearest el, my sweet darling.  you have offered up more in this post than in any previous post, and i think that's a huge first step in all of this.  just the realization of what happened, what your folks didn't do to protect you, help you, or stop it from happening is huge in and of itself.  huge. 

acceptance may take a while, and you don't have to push yourself to get to that place.  this is so much to absorb right now, and that's enough for the moment.  every sign you gave was not acted on in a responsible manner to your detriment.  i'm so very sorry for all that you went thru because of that.

it sounds like you're getting to some of the meatier bits of your trauma.  sometimes the actual traumatic events lead to other realizations that have had an even bigger impact on our lives than we might otherwise realize.  but, you're realizing it now, seeing it whole and clear.  that's a lot for right now.

i hope you can take care of yourself as best you can while going thru this part, but please don't beat yourself up if you're messy, out of sorts, impatient with yourself.  this will eventually be a lot to grieve, but give it and yourself time, ok?  so wishing i could just embrace you while you go thru this.

this is the stuff of courage that is talked about.  it takes courage to walk into the snake pit of our trauma and all that goes with it.  time, patience, and strength will see you thru.  know that i'm with you, always.  ems enfolds you in her voluminous skirts for safety, warmth, and comfort.  you are so precious, my dear el.  love and gentle, warm hugs to you always.

[Elphanigh]

Sceal, Deep Blue, and San yourwords have meant the world to me this morning. I went out to river market this morning to get some fresh groceries with my new roommate. It brought my spirits up to be outside and in one of my favorite spots in the city.

Sceal, it does feel that powerful. I was grasping at words last night and surprised I found them, it just kind of started pouring out I guess, I am honestly afraid to read back through because I know a lot came out in it. Thank you for sitting with me 

Deep Blue, it warms my heart to know you are a teacher. I worked with kids as a reading tutor in an inner city grade school when I was volunteering with americorp. It was something I made a point of as well. The system failed me time and time again, even into my teenage years which I didn't get into there. I never want to see that happen to a child if I can help it. That being said I don't teach anymore but try to stay involved where I can. It was honestly too much for me at the time. Thank you for wanting to give comfort, your mama bear part is warm and nurturing I can tell. It is greatly appreciated. Lots of love back 

San, your words always go right to my heart. Thank you for that. I did offer up so much of myself in this post. I didn't intend to but it was the right time for all of that to be said in the open. This is a giant realization that ties back to everything that happened to me, so a lot came out in one space. I also did not spend any time sensoring any of my emotions in that post. I normally try to mellow it out slightly, the opposite happened last night.

You always remind me to be kind to myself and patient through all of this. I want to push myself to that realm of acceptance so I can move on and heal etc... I am always grateful for your wisdom in this, because it reminds me to rest and understand that I am allowed time to absorb all of this.

We are starting to dive into meatier bits as I have done enough foundational work with other moments of trauma and emotional understanding/regulation that I am able to dig into all of this.

I will take care the best I can, and remember not to beat myself up. Patience is a thing I will be trying to learn. This will be a great deal to grieve when it hits that part of me. I do not look forward to the tears and pain that will bring, but it will be cleansing to cry those tears at that point. For now I am deep into feelings of betrayal, anger, and some confusion from my little ones. I would adore it if you could just embrace me, that would be such a safe space for me right now. I do love the internet version of it too though 

I had not yet recognized this as the stuff of courage, but it is. We just slowly eased our way into working on this stuff it didn't feel as if it was that stuff. I recognize now it is, and it is likely why I started to get a bit stuck in session.

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
It's hard to see when you are in the heat of the battle... but I'm telling you that you are doing really well.  Keep being gentle with yourself and we are here if you need a little more support.  Your post showed clarity about some scary stuff.  Did you see pitch perfect 2?  It's way better than it should be...  your remind me of a song from the movie because you shine wisdom, clarity and bravery on dark subjects... you are a flashlight dear Elpha
Much love
Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much dear  It is hard to see sometimes, you have all reminded me how well I am going though. I had a good chat with a friend today that has reminded me how far I have come. I am truly healthy and happy for the first time in my life. This emotional processing is so important and is only happening because I am at a point in my life that it is safe to work on it. That being said it took a lot of reminders from all of you for me to see that. The extra support keeps me going through these battles. 

Yes I have seen Pitch Perfect 2, I love those movies more than I should lol. I am a musician so it really resonates, and gets my inner musical theater nerd jumping around. Being able to remind someone of that song I should huge. I can't fully express how that makes me feel. I am just trying my best with this stuff, constantly trying to understand and heal. So if that comes off as clarity and wisdom I am grateful. I have lived a lot of life in my 24 years, that often means insight past my years. I guess I am used to being a fighter, and recognizing that knowledge is power in a lot of ways.

I just hope I can be a light in the dark for someone one day. Instead of just shining through my own dark tunnels. I have lead a very difficult life but try not to let that completely define me

[sanmagic7]

you are already a light for others, sweetie.  have been from day one.  it just keeps getting brighter and brighter, but will never be the kind that blinds.  rather, it will shed light for others to see what they also need to see, and help bring them out of their own darkness.

here's the big embracing hug we have available for you     

i marvel at the strength and determination you have.  i don't see you allowing your past to define you at all.  rather, it enhances your innate wisdom and encourages you to forge ahead.  a pioneer spirit, braving new territory, problem-solving in creative ways, bringing newness to who you have been, are, and will be.

you're great!  love you muchly, always.

[Elphanigh]

Sending this right back

Thank you so much for all the kind words. One day I hope to truly believe all of that in my being. I do try to be the  light and am glad that does shine through.

I am also glad to hear that it doesn't seem as if my past defines me. Instead it informs some good things about me. Thank you for saying such kind things abouy my determination, spirit, etc. It is amazing to hear someone see all of that in me still

[Elphanigh]

So I just need to share this...

Story time: So I was in the back side station at work with E, prepping for this party. This guy came walking back looking confused (this happens frequently so we assumed he needed to find the bathroom)He wanted us to let him out the back door, and he seems really manic about something. He is taller than both of us. Emma has the wherewithal to claim she is new and needs to ask someone and goes up front.

All the while I am trying to keep talking so this guy doesn’t just walk into the kitchen. So Br. (my kitchen manager) whips around the corner (thank you E) but doesn’t manage to stop this guy from going in the kitchen. He walks down the back end of our kitchen, takes one of our kitchen knives (giant food prep knife, sharp with like a nine inch blade) then walks out that door into the front side of our kitchen (where the girl and such is.

At this point I have started to go up fromnt to ensure that the front of you knows this is occurring and that my three male managers are trying to usher him out the dorm while we are waiting for security to get there. He manages to go into the big party room where my group was while I was talking to someone, and ends up moving right up behind me like just less than 6 inches between the two of us. He ended up out that back door, after that thankfully. As far as I know security and the police haven’t found him.


I am more okay than one would expect. I imagine it will hit me at one point, which is why I am sharing. I want to have tod this non emotionally so if it does become emotional or I have the state of shock or whatever wears off that I have a logical look at what happened.

[sanmagic7]

 

dang!!!!!!!!!!



that's for keeping your wits about you in a crisis situation.  well done, el.

it may hit you later, but in the moment you acted rationally, sanely, and courageously.   love you to bits.

[Elphanigh]

 

Thanks San! That hug is wonderful. I did stay very cool headed and acted the way I felt was correct. If that was rational and courageous, I am glad.

That was the beginning of my shift so nearly five hours ago. I may Get to skip the crappy stage of processing that. Had this guy actually wanted to hurt anyone it would have easily been me. That's knife would have very easily done the job. I am thankful that was not the goal here, not that I am sure what his goal was. Either way I want hopeful I can skip the crappy feeling stage here. Honestly don't want to feel it, with needing to go to work early tomorrow

Love you dear