Elpha's new adventure

[Deep Blue]

 
Elpha you are doing an incredible job.  Those are big accomplishments for sure.  So proud of you. 
Much love
Deep Blue

[sanmagic7]

i echo what deep blue said, el.  incredible job. 

i'm so glad your t has such spot on intuition about you.  that is so great to hear.  really great that she printed all your accomplishments out so you could see them in black and white.  i've always found that powerful.

best to you with your new job.   lots of change, indeed.  wow!  you go, girl!!!

lots of love, big hug to you, sweetie.  keep up the good work.  that new goal of creating a new positive belief about yourself sounds absolutely wonderful.

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue and San, your kind words are always the best. It gives me the encouragement I need to keep going.

San, it is great my T has such a great intuition towards me. She really is such a help in this healing process.  I think I got lucky with her, and am thankful for it all the time. It is powerful to see them written out, I have never had that before.

The new job starts on the 18th, super excited!!!

Lots of love to you 💜💜💜

[Elphanigh]

I will likely not be here a whole ton in the next week, I feel like I have already been a little less active in the last bit here. There are tons of positive changes coming but that takes so much work and energy, there are a billion things to process too. However, I don't always know how to put it to words, and my system honestly just needs to avoid being overwhelmed in the next ten days or so. Once I get through my first day with the new job everything should settl down, I just need to get there.

Maybe once I know for sure where I am moving I will feel less antsy, I know I have a backup but I would prefer not to use that and have to go through this twice. So fingers crossed we hear today. I need to know. I mean I have a week to move.

Anyways I can't wait to start this new job, having normal hours will be such a relief. I saythis as I am going into a set of 6 shifts and about 37 hours before 10am Monday... *sigh* I just feel antsy, emotional, and not prepared but I must keep pushing forward. I will find some peace eventually. This is just very turbulent. Like one of those time to get a new haircut kind of turbulent part of my life.

Thanks for letting me rant and ramble a bit. My anxiety has been trying to get the best of me lately so this is my attempt to let some of that out so I can ground and get past it. 

[Deep Blue]

Sending you love and strength and luck on what's coming.   
You are strong. You are brave. You inspire me all the time

[Elphanigh]

Nvm, just found out we got the apartment!!! 

[Elphanigh]

Deepvlue, thank you for all the kind words! Always glad to know I am any sort of inspiration.   

[Elphanigh]

So I find that things are going too well. It is a lot at once and stressful, but going very well. There is a lot of positive change: new car, new job, new apartment, got new my brother will graduate HS on Monday, my niece is doing perfectly... etc. Finances are tight but that isn't something that is going wrong persay.

There is part of me that is wondering when something will happen that will ruin some bit of this good. I am not used to things going well and not having something bad happen to accompany them. Probably just a piece of my Cptsd and being a survivor talking. I can't feel secure in all of this good, because it never stays good. I want to enjoy it all but I am having a difficult time doing that. I am not sure how to go about letting myself enjoy this feeling, but I want to try. 

[sanmagic7]

that feeling of not being able to enjoy the good when it's there is pretty common, i think.  we haven't often had the chance to do so, some new chaotic drama has always swooped in to ruin our good time.  or, we become so uncomfortable with having so much good stuff around us that we sabotage it ourselves.

hopefully, el, you are recognizing some of this discomfort as a possible warning against self-sabotage.  may i suggest you just go slow with absorbing what's happening, and possibly little by little, you will be able to enjoy it.  i think so much of this is due to all the effort and hard work you've been doing to turn your life around, and suddenly, there it is - your life is turning around!

it's pretty amazing when it happens.  i'm feeling some of that right now as i've been feeling better physically, am closer with my daughter, will be moving soon to a place i'm going to feel at home with, and can actually feel happiness.  my life, too, has turned a corner for the better, but it couldn't have happened if i hadn't put in a lot of work for it to be so.

you so deserve this, sweetie.  so very much.  go easy on yourself, just be with the moment as much as possible, and i think enjoyment will follow.  the longer you keep helping yourself, the easier it will be, i believe, to be able to trust that this overall positive force you're now traveling within will stay with you, and that any hardships that come along in the future (which they will), will not devastate your life as had once been the case.

you're doing it, el.  i'm so happy for you, and you can be very proud of yourself.  you've invested in you, and you're seeing the dividends of that investment.  sending much love and the warmest of hugs.

[Elphanigh]

San, your thoughtful response means the world to me. It makes me feel less alone in this tendency. Thankfully it does also mean I am recognizing it, and able to really try to move through it.

I definitely don't want to self-sabatoge, I have done so much work to get these good things. It is right to say that it is "suddenly there" which just feels like a lot. Everything all at once. So makes it hard to sit and process it slowly. 

You are such an inspiration my dear, it is great to hear all of that 

It is magical to see the words "you deserve it". It feels like i do this time. I have invested so much time and energy into myself.  I have given back too, but some really healthy healing and working has happened. It may just all finally be culminating in this giant shift.

[sanmagic7]

you are beautiful!!!

[Elphanigh]

San, that made me tear up and smile simultaneously this morning  :hug:I had a somewhat epiphany like experience on my drive home this morning, so had already cried some happy tears. Quite the morning. I realize was proud of myself, and that I know that I have worked so hard for this. I do deserve all of this light. I have worked tirelessly for over a year to get to this point, and it is just finally showing.

I have never had this because I went from one toxic place to another until I moved in by myself a year ago, and every challenge that could had happened in my life did. I have been in Trauma therapy for over a year and a half. All while working insane amounts of hours to just keep the bills and such going. That work (emotionally, physically, financially) has all come from me, and it is paying off. I deserve this good. It is gigantic to feel like I deserve it.

I have music back in a way I never expected, have a car, and new downtown apartment that will be the epitome of what life in the city can be for a 20 something year old. Have settled into being capable of my emotional processing as well, and even got a new job that seems to be able to support the need for that to happen. So here I am, sitting in this spot recognizing how much I have worked and all that is coming is something I deserve. I am capable and deserving.

[Deep Blue]

I realize was proud of myself, and that I know that I have worked so hard for this. I do deserve all of this light. I have worked tirelessly for over a year to get to this point, and it is just finally showing.

I have never had this because I went from one toxic place to another until I moved in by myself a year ago, and every challenge that could had happened in my life did. I have been in Trauma therapy for over a year and a half. All while working insane amounts of hours to just keep the bills and such going. That work (emotionally, physically, financially) has all come from me, and it is paying off. I deserve this good. It is gigantic to feel like I deserve it.

So here I am, sitting in this spot recognizing how much I have worked and all that is coming is something I deserve. I am capable and deserving.

Elpha,
I was feeling a bit down today.  I just read your post, and I feel hope.  I've been working hard too.  Knowing that things are turning around for you is putting some wind back in my sails.  Thanks so much for that.
Deep Blue

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, I promise there is always hope. There have been a lot of times this year I didn't feel like there was any hope (see lots of earlier posts), but lots of hard work does eventually get there. I know you will start to see things turn around too. I am glad me sharing has helped you today 

[Hope67]

I have music back in a way I never expected, have a car, and new downtown apartment that will be the epitome of what life in the city can be for a 20 something year old. Have settled into being capable of my emotional processing as well, and even got a new job that seems to be able to support the need for that to happen. So here I am, sitting in this spot recognizing how much I have worked and all that is coming is something I deserve. I am capable and deserving.

This is so great to hear you feeling this way, Elpha - really happy that you have this.    to you, and hope you continue to enjoy these things, and you do indeed deserve them!
Hope