ah's backward journal (possible trigger warning)

[ah]

So I thought I'd start writing this, it makes me uneasy but I keep having nightmares and flashbacks and I'm so tired so I thought I'd start with the present. Not with the past.

In the present, I'm severely physically disabled as a direct result of long term abuse and my body's deteriorating fast. I've got a couple of years left at the most or much less.
My FOO aren't aware of this, I've tried contacting them to give myself and them some small chance of saying goodbye or get closure or something like it, to let them know, but they don't care. They pretended to take it as manipulative lying on my part intended as a scam, or maybe they didn't pretend and actually believe their own lies, I don't know which. Both options are beyond my understanding really.

My father's response was "None of my business." One of the last times we talked he looked me very deeply in the eye and said carefully, savoring my response: "I don't believe you're disabled. I believe you're crazy."
And "I'm a loving dad, I keep calling and writing (he never did), you're a heartless monster who doesn't care about poor old sick dad. There's no mutuality." and "You're a waste of oxygen that should have gone to normal people, according to nature you're a mistake. You should have died long ago."


Yep, just what you want to hear.

They discarded me first when I was born, then far worse when I was a teenager who spoke up about the abuse, but I always kept trying and trying to be good enough for them... so the final No Contact from both sides  came just recently, it's still really fresh and painful.
I went No Contact, they disposed of me. Sort of the same thing, only one is based on truth and the other on lies?

No one knows my life is ending and no one cares... abusers I met as an adult made sure of that.
So, I guess I wanted to say I was, to tell the truth. I've been telling the truth my whole life and no one listened. I've recently stopped telling the truth in real life. No point. Lies won everywhere, with everyone. It's utter loneliness. Like there are no other humans on earth. 

Sometimes I'm in utter disbelief at what happened to me, at how my whole life was twisted and robbed from me. Short and so full of intense pain and sadism words fail me over and over again. Other times I'm so tired I no longer care, I just wish death not because I don't want to live, on the contrary, because I don't want a non-life anymore. And sometimes I'm almost okay with it. It is what it is. Sometimes for moments here and there I even get the tiniest glimpse of neutral feelings toward myself, a tiny glimmer of what I can feel in abundance for everybody else but me. I can't feel compassion or love for myself, but maybe I will. I hope I'll still get there.

I guess this journal will go backwards in time, it feels far less triggering than going forwards... I think? "Forwards" means very little. Maybe I'll start with the present and just go back.

So that's where I am right now. Not sure where that is, all I know is it's here.

[Three Roses]

I am listening and I care. I care what happened to you in the past and I care about what happens from now on. Thank you for your courage! Big hugs to you.

[sanmagic7]

o, dear ah, i'm listening, i care, i believe you.  i, too, struggle daily with horrible physical effects of my trauma.  several times i thought i was going to die, and i ran to someplace else for a chance at survival.  i don't know when my end is coming either, but it doesn't matter.  not depressed about it, just realistic.

i so hope you are able to find some peace in whatever time you have left.   also standing with you.  sending you a warm hug filled with compassion and love. 

[Libby12]

Dear ah.

Your story is absolutely tragic.  It's hard to convey how much I feel for you.  But I know what it feels like to be utterly discarded by your parents.   To be utterly broken by them, and then thrown away by them because you are so messed up.

I may be wrong but I gather from other posts that you are essentially alone.   That
must make your situation so much harder to bear. I live with my husband and sons so I am not alone,  but my husband really doesn't understand and my sons have life long developmental problems so I have to just pretend that I am fine.  Your comments about how no one ever listens and the liars and deniers win every time rings so true. We are left feeling so utterly powerless,  just like we felt as powerless children being abused by our cruel and entitled parents. And the unrelenting pain that no one believes because it is so hard to put into words.  They don't believe and then offer painkillers.  I want to scream but don't feel that I am allowed to so I don't.

I just want you to know that,  even though I can't fully understand the place you are in at the moment,  I hope I can give you some empathy and support as you continue with your story.

Libby

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Ah,

I believe you. I also tend to believe that no one would listen to me or that no one cares. And I still do sometimes.

But there are people out there who will listen. Who will care. Who will accept you. Who can relate to you.

I hope you keep posting. We'll be here with you too.

[woodsgnome]

 

I hear you, believe you, and admire you for sharing what you have. It's obvious how hard it's been for you to come to this point, but at least now you have the freedom to speak without reservation.

I'm also someone with aftereffects that I can physically feel every time I take a step. The worst part is the stigma and loneliness, reinforced from those who have no idea what it's like. Regarding the latter, I hope by posting here it makes it a little less trying for you, as you deserve love and peace more than anything.




I

[ah]

Thank you so so much... I'll keep coming back here to read your responses, they mean so much. If I knew how to cry I think I might at the things you said.

I just realized something, reading your responses saying "I believe you":
When my father said "I don't believe you're disabled, I believe you're crazy" he actually really knew what he was saying, didn't he? It wasn't just one final sadistic way to discard me in my dying years, it was a well calibrated, precisely tuned sadistic way to say he knows that my deepest pain is being disbelieved so he'll drive it in and mock it a bit more before we part ways.
I was already on my way out heading toward No Contact and he knew it. He became more and more puzzled as I stopped showing him any pain and became more and more unreadable.

So I'll live 40 years instead of double that because of his / their abuse. Physical abuse broke my body, emotional abuse accelerated the damage. I wish I knew how to grieve that. But I do know I never gave my father full credit for his sadism. Wow..!   

[Blueberry]

I care and I believe you. I'm very sorry, too. Sadism is awful. There was some  of that in my FOO too. 

[sanmagic7]

wow, indeed.  that's pure torture, to my mind.  i think you hit that nail right on the head.

ah, i sincerely hope you are able to find some of those toxic tears and let them out.  it may do your body some good to get the poison out.  i know it has for me.  it lightens me physically so there's not as much strain on my various parts.  i can feel it.

standing with you.  i hope you never, ever hear anything like that from anyone again.  you have never deserved it.  sending you a hug full of healing and love. 

[Andyman73]

ah, my dearest friend...I hear you, I believe you, and I believe in you. I like crazy..helps me get through my day. I never saw crazy as a bad thing. So...you good in my books, ah.
I wish I could spend time with you, listen to you tell the tales of your life, share mine with you. None of this has ever been your fault. Ever.

You are awesome and amazing and wonderful. You are quite loveable and worthy of love and compassion. You deserve to be cared for and taken care of. You do.  And I, for one, and more than honored to count you among my friends. 

[ah]

Thanks all...  so much.
Yeah, "torture" sums up my father, I guess his middle name must have been He-Who-Tortures-Best-Wins.

But I'm a little bit... uneasy.
Ok,
May I be very transparent for 5 minutes?

Well, erm, I've got this little (or not so little) voice in my head as I was reading your responses that's saying, "yeah sure, but they don't really know you. If they really knew you they'd be disgusted. You know it's true. If you weren't protected by the boundaries of the forums you'd be eaten alive as usual. That's real. This isn't. When there are no rules that say you're worthy, you're always unworthy. You know it. How can you doubt it?"

Problem is, literally everyone who knows me in real life walks away, discards me, gaslights, attacks, abuses. So it's hard to reason with this voice. It kind of has a point.
I mean, there's self hatred and then there's reality. In reality, I've almost always been abused.
I only knew one person in my life who never abused me but he passed away years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. He was an aberration. What was his problem, liking me like that? Weirdo...  

Erm.
5 minutes up, that's a level of transparency that leaves me a bit uneasy so I'll go back to being withdrawn now.
*Wipes forehead*

[DecimalRocket]

I understand, Ah, if you still have that voice in your head. I've had panic attacks and uncontrollable crying at times from my fear of other people not caring on this forum. It must be incredibly difficult to trust after all these years of abuse. Especially when you're in such a vulnerable state yourself. It is incredibly hard to believe in yourself when no one else seems to genuinely do.

I'm glad you're opening up here at least a little. Take your time and do things at your own pace. We'll be here when you muster up some courage.

[Three Roses]

That voice sounds familiar - is your voice your inner critic?
http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

[sanmagic7]

i, for one, believe in you as a human being, ah.  that said, i have my own beliefs around human beings - that they deserve dignity, they don't deserve abuse, and that they were born innocent.   whatever the guidelines on this forum, these are my own personal beliefs, and i post from them.  they are in my heart, the source of love.

of course, anyone who hasn't been treated with dignity and respect would find it difficult to accept that.  anyone who has known a lifetime of abuse would find it difficult to accept kindness (that's been my personal hurdle).  anyone who's had their innocence wrenched away or buried would believe neg. of all others.

this is a beast of great magnitude we're battling because it has turned us against ourselves in the most awful ways.   we've had to use some not-so-great coping mechanisms to make it to this place.  our belief systems about ourselves and others have been distorted to the point where we can't accept there's any goodness anywhere and in anyone, including us.

i believe this beast can be conquered with love, so i'm sending you a hug filled with love, kindness, and caring. 

[ah]

sanmagic, thanks --- your words got me crying for a second, didn't know that was an option for me. Kindness can do weird things 
You've got such an enormous, beautiful heart. Thank you for learning to be a therapist, thank you for caring and thinking about people and knowing what to say and how to be kind when it seems like it's going to be utterly impossible anything will reach the other person. But it does. Please keep doing it for a very long time, ok? You're so precious.
Just my opinion 

Three Roses,
I bet it's my inner critic, sounds like it but I think I'm driving myself nuts because it isn't just past abuse that I've totally internalized, it's present day abuse as well, with abusers circling above my head declaring they'll never let go. Altogether it's... despair producing. I keep trying to look for ways to believe in my own worthiness and they keep slipping away. But I still try. In a way it's more weakening than self hatred, self hatred is so familiar.

DecimalRocket,
Sounds horrifying. We're so strongly conditioned to believe in cruelty and indifference.
Yeah, it's a confusing crazy making thing -- no one believes in me, and I'm trying to gain some faith in myself while being constantly reminded I'm evil monstrous crazy and all the rest.
Still, I'm so tired of abuse and violence. I'm just.... tired.

I think I'll try to imagine my self image as two self images. Maybe two "me".
One can criticize and curse and spit and call me every bad name on the planet and try to get me to submit and agree with all of my abusers once and for all (what's wrong with me, why haven't I given in yet? Weirdo...), but I'm going to try to also keep another mental self image of myself alongside it, a second one that has no opinions. No bad ones and no good ones, just open to anything.
Right now the first "me" is about 99% strength and the second is around 1%, but... I'll give it a try.