DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[sanmagic7]

i think anger is a natural emotion, one that we express even as infants.  i don't see anything to feel guilty about with being mad at your mother.  when we're not cared for the way we've needed to be cared for, i do believe we have a right to be angry about that.  feel it, express it appropriately, and know that it's nothing to be ashamed of.  it doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who isn't always comfortable with their emotions.  no harm, no foul.

those expectations put on us to do something 'exactly' the way someone else wants us to are horrible.  i grew up with those, and they were nearly the death of me.  throwing them off has come from feeling my emotions about them and the people who placed them on me without my consent.  anger has certainly been one of them.

sending a warm, loving hug to you.  you're not alone in this.

[Sceal]

Hi Rocket!
I can relate to feeling angry with my mother. i think alot of people can, even those who do not have PTSD. Not that it helps, really
But, I think it's natural. I also feel bad everytime I portray my mother poorly to others, because after all I do care about her.  And being angry at someone I care about, I find that very difficult. I don't know if it's the same for you.

Eitherway, a hug if you want one! 

[DecimalRocket]

I've communicated some more with my mom to come to an understanding —  she was well . . . a lot calmer than me during it. Me? Sigh. Well, things smooth out bit by bit.

Hope, I'm glad I have someone to relate to, and I wish you positive things too.

San, that eased my guilt well.  I didn't exactly want to remove anger — more so express it more calmly. But I'm glad you're here. 

Sceal, thanks for being understanding. Glad to see you again.

.....
Okay, guys. I have. . . a certan issue . . . that I should have told you people a long time ago.

You ever notice that I don't use "he/she" to refer to myself, but use "they"?

Eh heh . . . Yeah . . . Well, I'm a bit afraid this is going to come off as too weird or crazy. Okay, more than a bit.

I'm dissociating less, and that means being more grounded in my body. Grounded in a body that has a single gender, and it's not to the level of distressing or painful most of the time, but more . . . disorienting or uncomfortable.

My own picture of myself tends to lean into being a man one time and a woman another time — but always somewhere in between, or even somewhere that isn't in the spectrum at all. . . for as long as I can remember.

I can fully calm down with some level of dissociation — by imagining myself in the body I want as I go through the day — sometimes male, female or between and can somehow happily "forget" my gender, until . . . someone mentions it.

You see. . . I'm kinda worried . . .very worried . . .that you picture me in your mind with a single gender.

OH MY GOD. WHY CANT I MORPH MY BODY???

[sanmagic7]

i noticed, d.r.  i also remember one post where you said you were told to 'man up', which gave me the impression you had a boy's body.  as far as the rest of it goes, it doesn't matter to me.  whatever, whoever you are, you're still aces in my book.

i've chatted with people from the lgbtqetc. community, saw a documentary with katie couric talking to different people about gender issues and found it very informative.  gender fluidity was discussed, and the use of the pronoun 'they' because of moving from one gender to another, perhaps at any given moment. 

it helped open my eyes a bit wider into an area of which i have no personal experience.  genetic makeup of a human being, including body and mind parts is something i realized a long time ago is much too complex not to express itself in many ways.

thanks for sharing.  thanks for letting us know you just a little bit better.  i'm glad you're here, too.  warm loving hug to you, sweetie.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
It's interesting what you said, and I wanted you to know that I had no pre-conceptions of what gender you are - I really hadn't thought about it.

I just know that you're a really great person - and that I have found your replies and your posts good to read, and I relate to you.  You have such an interest in life and I love your analytical way that you look at things - or at least that is what I presumed from things you've said.

Just wanted to share those thoughs, Decimal Rocket, and say 'You Rock!' 

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

DR, what you relate about not necessarily identifying with one gender 100% of the time suits my approach as well. Unless I have to, I tend not to point out whether I'm a guy or not--in a lot of what gets discussed here, one's gender pales in comparison to the overall abuses we deal with (in my case, I was abused by both men and women as a kid and beyond).

I may look like a 'woodsman', but I'm anything but when it comes to purposefully portraying that as an essential part of my makeup. Indeed, it's confusing to many who assume I'm some macho fellow who lives in the woods for all the usual stereotyped assumptions. Some assume I'm some anti-social rebel; but they soon find out I'm affable, curious and wanting to like people, but never able to fully trust, for a reason (I don't usually tell; not many understand the implications of cptsd, or want to; few can relate--although a couple have; still I don't normally volunteer that info).

I live in an area where 'outdoors' means that hunting/fishing stand out as characteristic of guys who hang out here. I don't point it out, but anyone who knows me in short order would find out those pursuits aren't high on my list of traits; nothing against either pursuit but they aren't my attraction for living 'out here'.

While always in love with the woods and nature in general, my living here came about directly as part of the escape route away from my misspent youth as a cptsd victim. The woods meant peace, and I ran to them as soon as I could. Admittedly it's difficult to risk judgement about that background by stating it upfront, but I don't worry about it much either--the part about how others will perceive me is entirely their doing; I only know my needs were to find at least a different outward way of life (unfortunately I've learned one never fully escapes the emotional residue from years of abuse).

Some who do come upon my place seem to wonder, but I don't hide it or pretend to be any different. I live in a house dominated by books and reading materials every place one looks. If they really need to know, I'll joke that I'm a professor without a campus or something--my 'self-university'. In practical terms, I'm distant from any actual libraries, and until the internet alternative, instead of going to the source of reading I brought it here.

Okay, back to the gender i.d. theme--I've come to regard myself as asexual, but even that's more of an identity for others to figure than for me. This tends to blend into how I write, without specific gender identifiers unless there's some reason it comes into play (e.g. male/female therapists, which gender abuse was prevalent--in my case both, etc.).

So your mention of this, DR, was one of instant affinity on my part. Also in my case, it's the same with reading as with writing--if gender is a key part of the problem, I can relate; otherwise, I view us all as humans first, then the other (but even the other may not fit anyone's pre-conceived notions).

Hope that makes sense--when I read what you had to say in that regard it was instant recognition and made perfect sense (not that imperfect is somehow wrong either).

[Sceal]

I want to share my support too.

For as long as I can remember I've never cared what gender anyone is. What has mattered to me is WHO the person is. I am far more interessted in the core of a person. Their story, their belief, their experiences and the way they think and feel- rather than their looks, or sex.  I think it matters more who we are as people, as a person.

I thought a great deal about this during my teens, I recall. Identity-wise and sexuality-wise. I am a woman, mind and body. But I don't always particularly feel feminine. And I do struggle to relate to other women and their difficulties (although that has evened out a little bit more as I've grown older).  My curiosity towards this as a teen, I am certain, was far milder than what you are going through.
I do hope as you find out what it is that you want to call yourself, be it one over the other, or neither at all. Or even changing at different times, I do hope that you will accept yourself for who you are. And that you will find people in real life that will also accept you for who you are.

Because, Rocket, you are simply brilliant.



In any shape or form you come in.
(The wrapping might look nice and wonderous, but we all want what's on the inside.)

[DecimalRocket]

I thought I'd repost my previous posts, but reading them again just made me feel stupid. I just feel like I don't deserve all this kindness - that the time you guys give for me are better off used for people who need it more.

Recently, I'd been thinking about my dad. Ever noticed how I never really mention him? Yeah . . . he really isn't much of a present force in my life. He's a charming businessman with a knack for negotiations - even literally nearly had a business deal with the president of my country. He leaves me his credit card, but not his love.

Sigh. Every time I mention my own not-so-humble beginnings, I feel like every emotional problem I go through is unimportant compared to say, starving kids in Africa.  Yes, dad. Make me the lonely rich kid trope while you brag about my smarts to others while not recognizing me as a person enough. Right.

I feel guilty - he wasn't thatbad. He'd talk to me eagerly and warmly if I approached him, but influence from my mom, teachers, and bullies giving the message of suppressing my own viewpoints and emotions didn't make that easy. I don't know . . . he could just have done something more than stay distant by default.

Especially with growing up. I'm afraid of all that responsibility beyond high school, especially with more money in my bank account than I know what to do with. I grew up in a third world country dense with poverty and all my life, I've seen homeless people on the streets as I travel to school. Studying in one of the most distinguished schools around here, they drill into in your heads that we more financially lucky kids better don't grow up into greedy morons.

One of the issues around here is that most people well off and educated enough work abroad to get higher salaries - often leaving the worse off here on their own. Alright, I'll stay in this country. But sure, then what? What do I do? Could my choice with what to do with this money make things worse? Can talking with influential relatives create a terrible butterfly effect on those they influence? Does wanting to run away from it make me selfish? Will I become selfish? Why do I want to hide in my analyzing and researching mode forever without taking action?

I just feel a deep intense pressure - the kind of pressure that comes with a lot of power and the responsibility that comes with it . . . with another kind of pressure too.

The pressure of growing up.

[Three Roses]

If I could offer my opinion - I say, it's more in your intentions behind your actions that determine whether or not you "should" do something (sorry, couldn't get around the should). 

[ah]

You know, for years and years I felt paralyzed by possibilities. I had so many that I felt they weighed down on me like rocks. I could do this and this and this and that, and I wanted to do things meaningfully. I felt irresponsible and selfish if I made rash choices.
But ironically, looking back, as my life rolled on it turned out a lot of things just happened and dragged me in totally unexpected directions. My expectations were turned on their head one by one. Nothing turned out like I thought it would. I'm nothing like what I imagined I'd be. It's liberating in a way, maybe..? It's humbling to me to see how little control I had over my life. I did my best, then circumstances took over completely.

You're using everything at your disposal to be a good person and I think that's not just doing your best, it's uncommon. It's not to be taken for granted. It's worthy of so much respect.

As for gender, I'm with you. I've always felt a bit odd with my gender, ever since I was a baby. It's not that I wasn't a girl, it's just that I wasn't only a girl. I wasn't just a boy either. I was, well, just... a person. Both and neither, I guess. Neither made much sense to me, they felt like masks you wear. The "girl" role left me feeling very confused, limited and very un-girlish. I've always looked at other women's behavior in amazement, for whatever reason I'm just different. In part because of cptsd, but not only. Gender never felt as though it defined me as comfortably as it does others.
I feel like I'm explaining it really badly. It's so hard to put into words, but what I mean to say you're absolutely not alone. 

[Hope67]

I just feel like I don't deserve all this kindness - that the time you guys give for me are better off used for people who need it more.

Hi Decimal Rocket,
to you, and I just want to say that in my opinion, you definitely deserve kindness - and why wouldn't you?  You're a lovely person, and I like you very much - your interest in life, your character, you come across to me as a really solid and good person - and who is to say who needs kindness - don't we all deserve some kindness in life?  I think so. 
Anyway, I just wanted to say that.
Hope 

[Sceal]

I just wanted to second both what Ah said and what Hope said.

[sanmagic7]

o, d.r.  the fact that you're even wondering, worrying, contemplating, pondering, and thinking about what all this means tell me that you are going to be just fine.  you'll make worthwhile decisions that make sense to you, even if they don't make sense to anyone else.  you are already a valuable human being, and will become more valuable as you mature, gain some experience, and learn more about what truly fits for you.

you have a good heart, and, to me, that counts for so much.  never underestimate that.  it doesn't matter what your bank account looks like.   you have been a kind, caring person here - i see no reason why that would be any different anywhere else.  that's why people here have responded to you like they have.  you've drawn kindness toward you through being the person you are.

as far as your dad goes, neglect is also abusive.  it leaves us longing for what we didn't have at the same time it can make us uncomfortable getting exactly what we've always longed for.  it's too bad.  many of my problems began with emotional neglect, even tho we had a roof over our heads and enough to eat.   it all looked good to the outside.

do what you need to do for you, d.r.  growing up can be scary, and with added pressures, it can be scarier still.  take your time, utilize that keen mind to its best advantage, and you'll become the person you want to be.  of that i have no doubt.  big hug to you, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there. My mood has been unstable these past few days - I went to the guidance counselor's office then broke down crying yesterday and fell alseep for 2 hours from emotional exhaustion. I felt awkward around emotions and ashamed to be . . well, me, and I believed I didn't deserve help or happiness. I managed to come back thanks to a huge part to you guys' kind words though. I still feel like a fraud about all these affirmations for me, but thank you. 

I don't really mention it, but when I don't go here, I deal with stress mostly by meditation.

Focusing on an object like the breath or your 5 senses allows me to focus on so much else in life. This focus wraps around for the awareness that I use for insights. There were certain meditations used especially to remove assumptions, the kind featured in Peter Ralson's books, and I often use that.

One of the most basic exercises for this was to be aware of everything you haven't experienced first hand, and to realize this means you can't be 100% sure of it. You can believe it's likely of course (even 99% sure), but the challenge is to never make an absolute conclusion, to only fully trust your experience. What does this include for me? Well, nearly every scientific, cultural, historical, religious/spiritual, political, social, emotional and personal belief I ever had.

With the rest of the meditations being like this, I was in for a ride. Through it, I repeatedly questioned my sanity, ripped out comforting illusions enough for more than a few breakdowns and often was incredibly ashamed for questioning basic assumptions everyone had.

But over time, I found a deep calm around it. I had insights, like many of the ones I had since before and during this journal, that contributed to changing my life in never before. I realized that the only way to have peace with not knowing everything in life was not through knowing more, but repeatedly exposing myself to how much I didn't know. It's not perfect, but I trust my own logic more than ever, and the fear drifts away. I read less. I think more.

I've learned a lot by example about love and kindness like here, but alone, I heal the way I knew things best from the start. Reflection, solitude, and accuracy to an extreme precision.

But I did it for one main reason.

The objective truth may be shocking at first, but to me. . . to see the ' harsh ugly' reality as it is. . . I've never found anything more beautiful . . . as to understand what truly is.

[Three Roses]

I've never found anything more beautiful . . . as to understand what truly is.

This makes me feel happy!