DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you for the other replies, but now I don't know how to respond or journal today.

I sense unpleasant feelings locked in my body, but I can't tell what they are. I feel something but I don't know what that feeling is or how intense it is. I'm trying to catch my thoughts around the issue but I can't get even a hint as to why I'm feeling this way. I might be in an EF that numbs my emotions, but I don't know what I'm flashing back to.

It's taking effort to get out of freeze mode or a dismissive attachment style now — I just have this need to be distant, unemotional and silent . . . I heard freeze mode people have an outer critic that justifies their needs for solitude, so maybe I'm . . . afraid of people here. But why? I was about to type an issue here, but I forgot about the issue for some reason. What's going on?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

[Blueberry]

DR, it's OK not to know. When you are ready to know, the issue will come back. IME anyway. I'm a logical, analytical type too. maybe our heads need a break for a while? 

[Andyman73]

DR,

First want to let you know that my thoughts go away all the time, especially if I was going to share them here or the other online community I belong to.

As for love in the age of puberty.  That is something  I didn't get to experience. Love.  And lust or infatuation....they came and went, but never saw the light of day. Those things weren't allowed for me.

[Hope66]

Hi DecimalRocket,
I also find that sometimes thoughts just 'disappear' or just won't come to mind, and that can feel quite frustrating - but I think it's possibly just a coping strategy that happens sometimes - or maybe just part of an EF or dissociation.  Could be so many things really.   Maybe it just doesn't want to be 'found' at this current moment - and maybe your subconscious mind wants to process some more, and then later, it will 'pop up' like a eureka moment.  That's sometimes what I tell myself, and sometimes, it does happen. 
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey thank you all for making it easier for me to take it easier on myself. Blueberry, I really appreciate when people tell me it's okay not to know. People need to tell me that more often. Andy, thanks for being there again as I am with you. Hope, thank you for telling me it takes time and it'll come back when I'm ready. 

Bad news is that I found myself with a fever when I woke up today. One, I was contemplating things and I found a lot of insights that could help me in the long term but these insights were also terrifying to realize. I'd love to share them, but not now. Second,  the emotions spilled out and I was grieving with tears for a full 3 straight hours.

Third, it's the second time I ever visited my therapist for trauma and opening up to trust her was stressful. I was skeptical of her methods and I was asking a lot of questions there — and I had an EF telling me I didn't deserve to be listened to.

Fourth, I had another therapist who teaches some certain physical exercises for my emotions — The Masgutova method. Apparently some physical reflexes I have — like the startle response or fear paralysis response were delayed from birth somehow — that made my emotions more sensitive.

Apparently Asperger's syndrome has physical reflex delays as well as social skills delays — which is probably why I've been avoiding and is terrible at all sports all my life. . . add trauma to this and it's even worse. Well, being an aspie also tends to come with increased focus, logical and pattern finding skills, independent thinking and organization . . . but the cons are . . . also  unpleasant.

Thing is when the exercises got too much for me, I didn't tell her that I was really tired because I believed she would not believe me, and so I kept going until I was in tears and she was wondering what she did wrong. I managed to explain myself rather than keep quiet like I always do though. So, progress?

I've been sleeping for much of the whole day and I probably will need more rest, to push myself harder would be irrational, so no. I'm tired, but deeply relaxed, so those insights must have really helped, at the least.

Well, see you.

[DecimalRocket]

Sigh, what I'm going to say is going to be irrational and repetitve, but so be it. Logically, I know what the answers are. Emotionally, I . . . I can't.

Am I being heard? Am I being seen? Will I be abandoned? Do I deserve to be listened to? Am I being a burden? Have I done something wrong? Are my problems important enough or terrible enough to need to be cared for?

Am I being stupid and naive here? Am I being arrogant somewhere? — I hate not being aware of things. Is it okay not to know? Is it okay to need so much attention? Is it alright to feel like everyone will abandon or betray me at the slightest sign of lack of response to me?

You don't have to answer everything. Just . . . at least something.

[Blueberry]

I managed to explain myself rather than keep quiet like I always do though. So, progress?

Progress! 

There's your other question answered too - Yes, you're being heard, at least by me. 

[M.R.]

Decimal,

My heart hurts for you. You have contributed to all of the people here and I know we all listen, we won't always respond but we're here quietly cheering you on. I know from my own journal that it makes me feel so much better when I see you've responded or anyone else. I have some of the same doubts as you, but I get reassured through the people here, just like you do. Believe us and our faith in you.

MR

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Blue and Melodie. It didn't make all the pain disappear, but it healed it at least a bit. 

I've been thinking. I didn't just emphasize the pursuit of knowledge and wisdom because of my genuine curiosity or dedication to learning, or even my own trauma around trying to get as much knowledge as possible to survive on my own.

No, not just that.

I learned also because the little attention I earned had to do with knowing things many other people don't do. And my inner child has been hurting really — because they didn't know as many things as I do now. I was, a lot more blunt and cold, a lot more naive — especially emotionally naive, a lot more terrible at solving and analyzing things and arrogant.

All they really wanted was to be accepted despite all that.

I guess there's still a kid in me — that's imperfect yet yearns to have somewhere to belong, to be accepted and to be loved. Maybe that's why I feel so worthless now.

How long have I been solving things alone all these years? I was alone with years of CBT and  years of meditation on my own. NLP. Gratitude journals. Awe walks. Positive psychology. Western and Eastern philosophies on happiness.

Years of scrolling through self help websites and reading books on it. From developing my own problem solving skills, my own focus, studied the science and process of learning and found ways to organize my life to become better. I learned things from every single part of the library — from the sciences, to the arts, from sci fi fiction to fantasy fiction, from the abstract philosophies to the more practical everyday skills and so on.

I've been alone when I was bullied as a kid. I was alone when I had friends as I grew older — because even as I talked to them, my emotions were numbed enough that I couldn't feel connected to them.

I loved to learn things, but really, I wanted someone there cheering me on as I learned and to learn with me. Someone to notice the stupid amount of effort, and notice how overwhelmed I really was in doing all of this alone. But I never thought I deserved to be heard and listened to to even try to share it— my voice has already been silenced early on from all the neglect and anger pushed onto me.

Sigh, someone tell me. Someone please tell me that . . . it's alright to not know.

[Three Roses]

It's really alright to not know! Really, truly. 

[Blueberry]

Yup, it's alright not to know.

for feeling so alone all these years.

You are looking at and writing about your shadows, what you see as shortcomings. I think this takes real courage on a forum.  Really. That helps me to look at and write about mine too.

[sanmagic7]

it's absolutely all right to not know. 

so much of your story i could write pertaining to myself.  i feel very connected to you even when i'm in low energy mode.  do i exist when no one notices, as you said, that i've gone too far, done too much, stretched myself too thin? 

you're not alone.

[camille13512]

It's definitely alright to not know. I feel very much related to what you wrote down, about how you feel alone when you are trying to learn and no one will actually find out how much effort is put into the process. But you know how much you have tried. We witness how much you are trying. And all of it counts. Really. 

[DecimalRocket]

@3Roses, thanks. 
@Blueberry, I'm glad I'm giving you courage.
@San, I missed you. I'm worried you're streching yourself taking time to come here though. But thank you.
@Camille, I'm glad to have a witness here. I guess people only truly exist when others believe they exist.

I feel oddly. . . nothing. I'm tired. As if there are some feelings I'm not aware of being suppressed in me.

Recently, I learned to have a relaxing visualization when I'm feeling deeply emotional from the stress or deeply numb. Not of nature, or anything like on the Healing Porch though.

But of the city I grew up in. Grand buildings like modern mountains. The gentle tumble of being in a vehicle moving along like a cradle on wheels. Grafitti on the walls with its casual charms — even the familiar swears I pass through regularly. People bustling by — so small compared to the buildings but each living their own complex lives.

The sky expanding ambitiously into the horizon. Bits of trash here and there reminiscent of a lazy population. Attention seeking advertisements on buildboards everywhere that almost everyday, I'd look out at in subtle amusement. People yelling at other's rude driving habits. Bwahahaha. My time to think, to reflect, to read and think of corny inside jokes — as I move through the world and the world moves through me.

In the moving vehicle, I can read about how perpetual motion machines can't exist in physics,  programming with C+ in lovely precision, go watchfully flipping through fiction remarking the societal issues of Chinese culture,  listen to a cheesy romantic musical and whatever my bouncy attention span leads me to . . . After worrying about my own future, about how others think about me, about my own insecurities over and over again. . .

I listen to the beating heart of the city. . . and I find a little bit of calm admist the chaos.

I'm home. I'm home.

I'm home.

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
I really like your writing here - I wanted to quote a bit - but couldn't work out how to just get the bit I wanted to highlight - but anyway, you write very well - conjuring the picture of the place you grew up in, and I just wanted to comment on that.
Hope