DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[sanmagic7]

d.r., i didn't mean to embarrass you.  i'm very sorry.  i thought i was having a little fun, but i guess it backfired.  i never want you to feel badly because of something i say.

it doesn't matter which route you take about love - it's infinite, and there are infinite ways to feel, know, and learn about it.  you do it your way - that's perfectly fine. 

it does sound like you'll have a lot to keep you busy with it.  those are a lot of areas to explore.  i'm just  glad that you have your way of exploring it, one that works well for you.  i think it'll be interesting, if you care to share, to hear about some of the info you come up with.     

[DecimalRocket]

Sigh. I'm being irrational. I can't focus. My heart keeps racing. I can't sleep properly anymore. I'm euphoric yet absolutely nervous. Giddy, but emotionally overwhelmed. Everything people say seems to hurt me. All these emotional changes are sending me into EFs.

I'm . . . I'm exhausted.

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you all. . . Hearing those made me a bit teary. I'm feeling deepy vulnerable right now so I really appreciate the effort even if it's not perfect.

Sigh, let me try this again.

I've figured out why falling in love with him has been giving me EFs. Because it reminds me of the first person I fell in love with. He has a similar personality to her really. . . I don't know.

Back then, I was deeper into the freeze response — never really have trusted anyone to rely on as my parents emotionally abandoned me. I was even more depressed, more terrified of life, too withdrawn, more emotionally naive and . . . just broken.

I went and found a site that had people talk to you about your emotional problems — how could just talking solve any problem logically? That was what I thought, but my heart would always beg me to keep coming in ways I didn't understand.

I met a girl there. She was my age,  kind, intelligent, imaginative, and the first person I managed to trust there. Everyday I'd come to talk with her online at least. Soon . . . I felt something more than than that.

But this was irrational to me. Falling in love? No, I can't. It would mean abandoning the possibility of searching for some logical solution. But I was. I was. I was. Even if I made a move, she was far away from me . . . and she was straight. It was impossible from the start.

When she had to leave to take care of her own problems, I told her goodbye and good luck — well, if she wanted to leave from volunteering here, I understand. It must be burdening here, huh? That was the me that spent years barely feeling any love or empathy. I told her I think too much to the point of intense anxiety and she laughed and said, "Your love of thinking is the best thing about you. Keep learning, alright?"

My heart broke the day she left. I know — I've only known her for a short while. I probably idealized her too much. She's probably forgotten me by now. It's irrational. But I think I never allowed myself to grieve that day enough — the person who first allowed me to believe I could feel warmth for others — why I've managed to come this far.

No wonder I feel like I'm breaking.

[Blueberry]

Sigh. I'm being irrational. I can't focus. My heart keeps racing. I can't sleep properly anymore. I'm euphoric yet absolutely nervous. Giddy, but emotionally overwhelmed.

If I think back a couple of decades, this all sounds normal.

Everything people say seems to hurt me. All these emotional changes are sending me into EFs.

I'm sorry this is going on though. 

[LittleBird]

Sorry to hear that you're going through all of this dr. I hope things turn around *safe hug*

[sanmagic7]

we're with you, d.r.  i can only imagine how difficult this is for you.  new territory, old losses all at the same time.  that's a lot.  hand tough - we're hangin' right beside you.   

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks for dropping by you three. Without affirmation that someone will listen to me on a regular basis, my distress becomes a lot more severe — often triggering major EFs of being ignored too much in childhood.

I feel kind of guilty though to ask for your time like this. I know I should be easier on myself — but I feel like I don't deserve even a few words of kindness or time on this really. The feelings have softened, but it's . . .still there. And there's still some hurt over feeling ignored.

.....

A student in my school batch has died — the reasons of which will still be communicated in the future considering that he went missing for a few days. I didn't know him, but seeing so many people I knew and didn't knew grieving and afraid was confusing and their distress was contagious.

I couldn't process my own emotions, and I couldn't process theirs. It was an overload. I became distant, withdrawn and more emotionless in appearance than my usual casual easygoingness and quirky humor.

I tried at least not to seem cold or cruel — just . . . just distant. Wave a little to people I know but quickly withdraw. I gave a stiff freaked out hug to an old friend and quickly withdrew.

Usually when something changes in my life, 80% of the distress is confusion and fear over things not making sense along with 20% being other emotions. So I often detach to analyze it logically, withdraw to think it in depth and become stoic because emotions — internal and external — confuse me even more.

I'm still lovesick to some degree, but calm enough to think it through better or try calming hobbies. The more precise, the more rigid the categories and the more intense the analysis, the more I can bury myself in it to calm down. After all — these things make a lot more sense than emotions — which aren't as . . . black and white.

It's why my posts are so long — I need to process everything in full detail to calm down.

I guess I'll just . . . give myself a lot of solitude to think and organize all these new ideas into place. I have no time for the beautiful now — simply for what's accurate.

[Blueberry]

I feel kind of guilty though to ask for your time like this. I know I should be easier on myself — but I feel like I don't deserve even a few words of kindness or time on this really. The feelings have softened, but it's . . .still there. And there's still some hurt over feeling ignored.

DR, of course you deserve a few words of kindness!! You have lots for other people when they're hurting! Recently I felt hurt too because there weren't too many responses to a post of mine. I knew my feeling was irrational (doesn't mean yours is) but it was there as feelings are. And I thought: that's what it's like for DR lots of the time.  for DR.

I think you / anybody can always ask for time here. You / anybody may not get it - depending on what all else is going on in peoples' lives and healing - but you can certainly ask!

Speaking for myself, often I read, well as Mod I have to anyway, but sometimes words fail me. That was the case before I became Mod. So then it can be pretty difficult to formulate a response, or just very tiring and I need my energy for Mod responses and for writing and thinking in daily life. It doesn't mean I don't care though.

I'm still lovesick to some degree, but calm enough to think it through better or try calming hobbies.

Yay for progress!

It's why my posts are so long — I need to process everything in full detail to calm down.

Sounds similar to me. I process while writing it all out. So by the end of my long posts, I realise "That's why...". It feels good to know I'm not alone in this. 

A student in my school batch has died... I didn't know him, but seeing so many people I knew and didn't knew grieving and afraid was confusing and their distress was contagious.

I couldn't process my own emotions, and I couldn't process theirs. It was an overload. I became distant, withdrawn and more emotionless in appearance than my usual casual easygoingness and quirky humor.

I tried at least not to seem cold or cruel — just . . . just distant. Wave a little to people I know but quickly withdraw. I gave a stiff freaked out hug to an old friend and quickly withdrew.

Usually when something changes in my life, 80% of the distress is confusion and fear over things not making sense along with 20% being other emotions. So I often detach to analyze it logically, withdraw to think it in depth and become stoic because emotions — internal and external — confuse me even more.

I'm sorry, DR. Sorry for the student you didn't know and sorry for you to be dealing with this on top of everything else right now. It sounds to me as if you're dealing quite well though. I did read it was an overload, don't worry. But you seem aware of your own changes in behaviour and why you are making them. And withdrawing and so on - you're doing what you need to do for you. You don't need to be there for the others IMO. You need to be there for you. You are as much as you can. 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Blueberry for responding. You truly do care. I never seem to fully believe people's affirmations that I deserve kindness, but each time people repeat it, I believe it a little bit more. I'm getting calmer with these new feelings of attraction I have. I'm uneasy and a bit overwhelmed, but somehow I manage. I listened to your advice to take care of myself by withdrawing and reflecting even more - especially since I seem especially sensitive and hypervigilant to noise and crowds today and I probably need a break from replying to others on this forum.

....

I decided to fall out of love.

I'm not ready for a commitment, to trust someone deeply, to have mutual give and take, and to have to sacrifice time I usually spend on my own interests.

With CPTSD, I have limited energy, and romance is one of the least prioritized things I have in life. When you can't have everything, you focus on what's important. I care more about my solitude to think the most and what's interesting.

I care more about my friendships or a community than gazing into a specific someone's eyes longingly. I'm not a romantic. Maybe a dreamer — but for the collective knowledge of society than the special connection with someone.

Maybe someday I'll be ready, but not now.

So for now . . . I'll try not to fantasize about these for now. I've read that people falling in love have similar brain scans to people with a cocaine addiction — well, I've had a few addictions (An eating addiction first and then a lying addiction.) and combined with my habits of obsessive research, I guess I can figure this out.

I had a terrible EF after contemplating this - I went back to childhood. Trembling, shaking and helpless. I wanted to retreat into my thoughts, and I've analyzed things so hard and for so long that I've gotten fevers. That I've cried from pressuring myself to realize horrible truths so I can use whatever knowledge to protect myself. That I dealt with nearly every single problem that harmed me emotionally in life without ever relying on anyone else.

I was triggered because the utter helplessness of not being able to think through things consumed me. I was angry at myself for being so naive and ignorant of what I can think or do, of being too irrational to figure things out on my own. Angry at my own caretakers for barely guiding me with the knowledge I needed in life, and . . . and, I don't know. I was terrified, but I've told myself to stay there without thinking too hard or researching, just be in the moment. . . Deep breaths . . .

I calmed down - usually I have a regular write up for what I learned recently to calm those fears - especially life lessons, important skills, books and articles read, and other people I could ask questions to - and it helped.

I noticed I've been more distracted and moody lately. . . mostly because honestly I've been thinking of google pictures I saw of hot ladies in classy dresses and more . . . 18+ thoughts which never seem to get anywhere because I feel like asking permission from the lady of the need to fantasize about her. Puberty is . . . bizarre. Well, probably have to give myself the sex talk soon seeing that my parents don't do a good job of raising me enough to talk about this (Along with many other things . . .).

I'll go research the big pile of awkward later, but now I'll just relax and listen to music. I love thinking, but I think I need a break from that too.

[sanmagic7]

hey, d.r., i think it's very much self-care to know when you need a break from something and then just do it.  good for you.

i understand about confusion.  not having access to my emotions left me feeling confused about most things in all kinds of relationships.  it was like people were speaking a language i just didn't know how to translate, or they went by rules that i wasn't aware of.  i felt awkward a lot.

even here.  i've had such an outpouring of caring from people recently, and my newfound ability to feel this good stuff pretty much overwhelmed me.  i didn't respond to people in my journal because i was overcome, so i've just shied away.  it's been a few days now and i still can't bring myself to say anything.  very weird.

so, i also agree with you about just being with it for a bit - that's what i'm doing, too. 

sorry, also, about the uncomfortable situation in which you found yourself.  that can definitely be rough.  glad you made it thru - that's what counts.   and, absolutely, you deserve the time and caring here.   

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San, thanks for dropping by. I understand how even kindness from others can be overwhelming somehow. I appreciate how you've been following me in my thoughts ever since the start of this journal. Thank you. 

I've been pushing myself too hard to act on what I'm afraid of today (Might be flight mode coming back.)— My inner critic has probably been giving me EFs on how my mom didn't respect my need to rest. Especially the disrespect for my need for solitude and reflection — and now I just . . . really need time to think.

.....

Sigh. I'm not smart enough to figure life out, I thought.

I told myself that it's not intelligence that mattered the most.

I told myself . . . When you were a child, you were fine with not knowing.

But as you grew up, you valued intelligence. To impress others. To gain your own self esteem. You yearned to learn because of your own desires, not others.

Intelligence wasn't essential if you couldn't find the actual truth that you wanted for its own sake you thought. But as you sought the objectivity for this truth, you found yourself taking life too seriously. You learned because you had to, not because you wanted to.

Curiosity came to the spotlight. The will to learn for its own sake was all that you needed you thought. To explore the truth, you had to look for ideas aimlessly — because some truths could only be found on accident and a sense of adventure.

Reflection became more important. As you wandered aimlessly, you rarely concentrated enough to look back to deepen insights or follow through with the ideas you found. You learned that knowledge wasn't just like an explorer finding uncharted territory, but like a spiral staircase turning the same ideas around and around allowing these ideas to go deeper and deeper.

You realized that you needed to synthesize what you learned into something more — not just for knowledge, but for the knowledge for life itself. And you sought the wisdom of experience.

But as you gained this experience, you became arrogant that you knew everything. And when you finally understood how little you knew, you became angry and hard on yourself for not being experienced enough constantly.

The wisdom of the beginner became the most essential, to admit that you don't know. Every single thing before this — intelligence, truth, curiosity, reflection, experience. . . all began by saying . . . that you didn't know.

As if you were a kid again . . .

That's enough I told myself. That's already more than enough.

[ah]

I understand how even kindness from others can be overwhelming somehow. I appreciate how you've been following me in my thoughts ever since the start of this journal. Thank you. 

I totally relate to that, and you've been on my mind too, I'm going through a rough patch so I sometimes don't say anything but I'm reading your journal and thinking of you.

I feel overwhelmed too, like Sanmagic said. 

For me, kindness is such an unknown, it's so foreign that it can freak me out much harder than cruelty or indifference. Kindness touches me more deeply, it surprises me, and it demands new things from me. All of which can be triggering, frightening.

Asking for help always leaves me feeling unsettled... sigh! Oh boy do I relate. You're not guilty for having a break or for asking for help here, you're wise to do those things. You're self caring, and it's the right thing to do, hard as it may be for us at first.

And just between you and me...  being smart can have its disadvantages. I've been reading a book "Get out of your mind & into your life" and it's giving me a lot to think about, especially about my habits and about analyzing and solving things in more and more ways than I thought before. Not sure I've understood it yet, I'm still "digesting" it all for the time being but it's very interesting.

[DecimalRocket]

Hmm, I missed you here, Ah. Nice to see you again. 

Yeah, I need to take it easier on myself. I'm rather worn out now and probably shouldn't have spent time responding to other journals recently. Hearing kindness from you is honestly overwhelming, but somehow I appreciate it more than I'm overwhelmed by it. I'm glad there's another regular reader on board — that's wonderful.

I agree that being smart has its disadvantages. Sometimes I wish my brain can turn off for once. I've read a similar book called, "Why Smart People Hurt" by Eric Maisel. From overthinking to being more intellectually bored, from people valuing you only because of intelligence to  existential crises about the meaning and existence of life, to deep arrogance from how others see you and a wrecking perfectionism from hyperawareness of flaws from constant analysis . It's uhh. . . a love and hate relationship, I guess.

I think of being knowledgable like a stereotypical girl thinks and is insecure of her looks, and it's a little embarrassing to be that way. Telling me I'm smart or any similar intellectual trait creates a similar reaction with stereotypical girls being told they're beautiful.  But I cope.

I'll go do something with less intense thinking for now. . . My mind needs as much as a break as my emotions. Thinking for me is an addiction . . .in both good and bad ways.

[sanmagic7]

just sending a  right now.  i ran out of steam.

[camille13512]

But as you gained this experience, you became arrogant that you knew everything. And when you finally understood how little you knew, you became angry and hard on yourself for not being experienced enough constantly.

Hi Decimal, this happened to me too, first to realize that there is so much I don't know, and second to find what I thought I knew was not true. It hurts to get around that corner. I ended up keeping questioning myself why, how, how come. Once someone asked me if not knowing makes me happier, how I will choose, knowing or not knowing. But maybe it doesn't need to be binary. Sometimes knowing still brings relief, even when the truth doesn't seem pretty. And other times, not knowing offers more space to breathe. Not sure if this is what you are going through too, but I just want to say that you are right that it's ok to be a child, to not know everything. Come into terms like this must be a big step. Hope you won't mind a hug. Take care.