DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[sanmagic7]

d.r., i know you also posted this as a difficult day, and i responded there.  you have been so special for me, all i can say is thank you for being you. 

of course you're exhausted - this is really hard work you're doing.  your brain is making connections it hadn't before and that takes a lot of energy.  i hope you give yourself some time to rest, take care of yourself, and just relax.  sounds like time for a break.   

[woodsgnome]

Decimal Rocket, I love your description of the relaxed state of problem solving. It seems beyond the hypervigilance many of us are coming from as we grope for ways to get out of this grand funk called cptsd.

"No schedules — just follow my curiosity at the time I want to. I get to solve it because I truly am fascinated", is how you put it. I sometimes refer to this as my 'playing  with options' mode and it truly does seem to clear the mind's cobwebs, like freeing up space on a computer. The abusers of my youth would punish me for thinking I had any say over my own being, but now they're mute and I'm in control.

The crying reaction I relate to as well. It's when I look around and realize--I'm really free to be this way, to think, analyze, but also to relax into any answers...and let tears come, too. Sometimes the search doesn't find answers, and that's okay--it does give options for what happened, and what I can really do about it now. So the tears are of both sadness and freedom. Freedom--to be me--at last; relaxed; and able to have the new dreams chase the old ones away.

[sanmagic7]

love the visual of dream chasers, wg.  i've only ever heard of dream catchers.  this is a good one.  thanks.  big hug.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, thank you two for that.

I had to stay home rather than go to classes today from being too weak and sick to go. I've regained energy quickly enough though that I think I could go back tomorrow — partly thanks to you two.

I've thought about what San said to me earlier. That she was growing emotionally a lot from me just by learning what I've been through. And how it has to do with the relaxed problem solving w.g mentioned. We think of teachers guiding students, but we don't see how students guide teachers.

When I've asked for advice online, I've given the people the opportunity to learn how to mentor. When I share what I'm going through emotionally, others learn a little bit more about the human condition.

When I ask help in hobbies, I can ask questions no one asks.When I ask for help in my studies, I can ask questions that that people may be too afraid to ask.

Maybe I'm already contributing to this world. . . just by wanting to learn. We praise people who've found the answers to the questions, but we never seem to praise people who've found those questions in the first place.

After thinking this, I went and found other sites to share ideas in my interests for the first time in a long time. I feared what others thought and I found it too uninteresting to explain to others what I knew — but now I enjoyed sharing what I knew and getting feedback. I enjoyed expressing myself, and being able to feed other's need to know too.

When curiosity and compassion mixes, I wonder what could happen?

I'm fascinated . . . and terrified.

Too terrified.

I feel the inner critic shouting at me for speaking up again, and I lied down trying to figure out how to quiet my overactive mind while my mind slowly detached from my emotions. Then bury myself into unrelated research.

[sanmagic7]

even as a therapist, with all my 'book' learning, i learned even more from my clients about the human condition.  the teacher does, indeed, learn from the student if that teacher is willing to have an open mind and heart.  i believe we learn emotionally as well as logically.  it's all connected, just as all of us are.

i'm glad you're taking breaks from this as it becomes too much for you.  i'm also sorry that this has made you sick.  been there, done that, so i can relate.  but you can already tell you're getting your energy back, so, only a temporary setback.  yay.

keep taking care of you, d.r.  you are special, indeed, and have contributed a lot of good to the world.   

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you, San, for being there as always. 

I've been talking about being dissociated from my emotions, especially love. But I've realized.  . . I've dissociated from my own body and the idea that reality exists.

I thought I'd use grounding techniques and pay attention to my senses on the bus ride home to deal with the dissociation, and what I discovered might have been one of the strangest things I've become aware of in my life.

I passed the clean roads, large houses and sideways full of bushy trees feeling strange. I asked myself : Was this real? Was I real? And I heard no answer.

I struggled to pay attention as the bus passed the bustling intersection, with the traffic lights and the walls covered with graffiti and images of people on bikes. I stared at my hands and was surprised I had them. I was surprised when I reminded myself of my name, my gender, my age and date.

I watched as I passed through grand tall city buildings and felt surprised at how small I was. I was surprised I was human . . . I was surprised I lived in my own country, lived in this city.

I felt a peacefulness and joy, but these feelings didn't seem to be mine. It seemed I was just watching someone else. A tv character. A character from a daydream. Anything but reality.

I passed the slums filled with dirty concrete walls and floors, people in cheap clothing and cardboard boxes of objects to sell. I was surprised these people were real, surprised anyone I saw so far on the ride home was supposed to be real. Surprised at the mix of wealth and poverty was real.

I finally entered a small area full of middle class looking houses where my home was. I looked around the familiar environment, and yet . . .nothing felt truly real.

I just, just wanted to feel something. I felt a distant sense of peace, but I wanted more of that. My usual curiosity has deadened. My own warmth for people has shortened. Don't get me wrong, it's better than before without the intense fear and there are some feelings around . . but something wrong is still left here.

[Andyman73]

DR,

I wanted to visit you here. You have been quite patient and accepting of me. I really appreciate that, and you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Andrew

[Blueberry]

I've dissociated from my own body and the idea that reality exists.

I thought I'd use grounding techniques and pay attention to my senses on the bus ride home to deal with the dissociation, and what I discovered might have been one of the strangest things I've become aware of in my life.

I passed the clean roads, large houses and sideways full of bushy trees feeling strange. I asked myself : Was this real? Was I real? And I heard no answer.

DR, I just wanted to say that this is how dissociation felt to me as a child. I'd ask myself strange questions like "Am I real?", "What if I were someone else?". Later on maybe in my early 30's, when I knew roughly what dissociation was, I had another spell like this.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Andy and Blueberry for dropping by. I can't provide a thought out reply at the moment, BECAUSE IM PANICKING RIGHT NOW. But thank you both. Really.

Something unexpected happened.

I dealt with my EFs the same way I had before, by grieving, crying, angering, verbalizing and so on today. . . . But after that. . .

Well, you see, I thought after I would have dealt with dissociation, I'd have gotten back all my emotions back. My fear. My curiosity. My sadness. My gratitude. My anger. My relaxation. My shame. My blame. My hatred. My love.

But no, there was something else.

For a couple of weeks now, I've been focusing on a friend of mine in my memories the most. I've thought it was more fondness of him as a friend I've known for several months, but then I daydreamed about spending time together, holding hands, kissing, future  and all kinds of strange things. The less I dissociated, the more I felt this way. . .

Oh.

Oh.

OH.

I've been suppressing romantic love too?

This hasn't happened once in my life, except for a girl I had similar feelings with. She had to leave contact with me since she had her own problems in her life, and it broke my heart. And now I might get stuck feeling that again — but with a guy instead of a girl. Oh no. . .

Wait a minute, I don't have time to fall in love. What about my own nerdy projects? This is one of the most irrational things I've felt. I felt something tingly between my legs and it suddenly registered that I've been suppressing sexual attraction too. . . Oh, so that's what it was. Oh come on!

And why am I so. . . so . . .giddy.

[Andyman73]

DR,
That's a boat load of emotional logjam there, my friend.

It's okay if you're too overcome to respond to me. It's okay. Really.  You get to it when you get to it. Or don't. That's okay to. While I hope for replies, I trained myself(not very successfully either, I might add)to not expect responses. Just so much easier that way, hurts so much less. Don't want to hijack your thread again, so, just gonna leave that alone.

I so completely understand the love and sexual attraction situation. So really do. Honestly I really can't ever remember anyone, IRL being in love or lust with me. Or even plainly just attracted to me. So..I have no idea what that looks like on someone else who feels that way towards me. As for what I feel...I try so very very hard...maybe harder than any other time, to suppress any feelings of love or attraction or lust towards anyone IRL.  That is just one area of my life where I been hurt far too many times, and I can't afford that again. Especially now, after all my memories have been coming back. About 6 or 7 months ago I made the lethal mistake of sharing my feelings with someone. I've had only 1 contact with them since then. And that was just to tell me they were leaving the company we work for, and moving out of the area too. Before that point of sharing, we had been in constant daily contact.

See, I love far too easily, but can't share it, the risk is far too great. But I am the way I am, so, many people enjoy my company, at least, on line, here, they do. IRL...my social interaction is extremely limited, due to many factors.
Okay...I'll be quiet now. Sorry for doing it again.

[Blueberry]

DR, I know it's important for you to get replies. I read your post. And I'm afraid to say anything in case it's wrong. Don't know what to say anyway.     I leave that whole area of romantic what-not out of my life. That isnt healthy either, but much easier for me. Hope somebody replies who has more clue.

[sanmagic7]

well well well, d.r., look at you.  sounds like that teenager you has come out to  peek at the world.  i think giddy is so fun.

sometimes it quite importantly amazes me as to what might pop up when we're not looking for it.  look at you, indeed, all bright and shiny. 

[DecimalRocket]

Okay, I feel somewhat calmer today. Hi there. . .

Andy, thank you for allowing me someone to relate to. It's really tough, huh? It's alright if your response is long to me. I like it when people respond to me with longer posts.

Blueberry, well, if you don't know what to say then all I need is some acceptance, care and validation of what I'm going through. Or at least one of those hug emojis — real hugs would probably make me die of embarassment, but I can settle for this at least.

San, way to make me feel embarassed. I don't particularly enjoy being reminded that I'm going through puberty as I often forget it. But after thinking it through, I found some peace in your acceptance, wonder and kindness around it.

....

Other people when they fall in love, they might do some poetry or some other creative art. Other people might play sports to get their mind off things.

Me? I went and conducted research and analysis on the scientific, evolutionary, neurological, psychological, philosophical, cultural and practical views on love with an obsession to calm myself down. I have to go reevaluate my sexual and romantic orientation too . . . sure adds to all the confusion.

I told myself not to touch any of that touchy feely gross stuff like cheesy love songs or romcom movies.

. . .

But I did it.

. . .

That's when I knew I was becoming insane.

. . .

It triggered nausea. Dizziness. Butterflies. Obsessive thoughts. Heart racing. Sweating. Something . . . going down there.

My mind was struggling to dissociate from it but I couldn't. It triggered flashbacks and it took some time to even figure out what I was flashing back to. I spent a lot of time grieving today — not enough to cry, but enough to make me incredibly irritable the whole day and a few thoughts of suicide ideation in me. (It's alright. Those suicidal thoughts are gone now though when I allowed some angering at my IC. )When I can't find solace in logical thinking, it hits me hard.

I feel irrational. Absolutely irrational!

Sigh. I've calmed down a lot. . . Not completely though.

I think I'll just . . . rest today, and . . . research more.

[Three Roses]

"Too much study wearies the soul." It certainly wearies mine! When I get overwhelmed, nature refreshes me. Hope you have a nice day, d.r. 

[Blueberry]

Other people when they fall in love, they might do some poetry or some other creative art. Other people might play sports to get their mind off things.

Me? I went and conducted research and analysis on the scientific, evolutionary, neurological, psychological, philosophical, cultural and practical views on love with an obsession to calm myself down.

DR, you aren't these other people. You're you! You research and analyse. And although that seemed to lead all sorts of places you might prefer not to go, it's equally possible that being artistic or playing sports would have taken you down those paths too.