DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you, San, I needed that. 

I'm getting really stressed out by all these feelings at the moment. It seems like there's a whole new range of emotions whose growth were dulled from trauma, and now I'm feeling them.

Unlike you, I was a lot more connected to fear — fear is often what drove me to problem solve, but in that case, I also supressed my empathy. I believed that if I cared for others, I'd have less time to work on problem solving my life. . . but it seems that the thing that would make me grow the most are feeling these feelings rather than thinking more. Maybe that's why it's so overwhelming — these feelings might be the empathy locked up in me for years.

I feel terrible, but I feel more . . connected to people. I feel like a lot of pain over not being heard enough feel at ease — it feels like I've been at war all my life without knowing it and finally it ended — with me still feeling shaken but with a strong sense of relief.

I didn't understand why people watched tv shows and movies that made them feel terrible for another character. . . I only watched to analyze these characters intellectually. . . but I don't know, it's bad but so good. I thought I would leave the brutal action show I was watching because of all that empathy pain, but for some reason I feel like staying and cheering on those characters further. And I feel the same way with real life people too now.

I guess the more terrible you feel with someone's sorrow, the more happier you feel being connected to them. Eh — love is strange, for sure. Very strange.

I'll give myself a break for now. . . With alexithymia, it's going to be more difficult to process all these new feelings and it's been taking me more than two hours to figure out exactly what happened for me to feel this way. Sigh.

I think I'm going to cry . . .

[sanmagic7]

standing right beside you, d.r.  you are definitely not alone with this.  it definitely can be overwhelming, but i'm glad for you at the same time i hate that you've been robbed of these feelings, these connections for so long.

we'll make it, sweetie.  big warm loving hug to you.

[Blueberry]

Standing beside you too DecimalRocket. It sounds like you're making lots of progress and that it is also a confusing time for you in this progress. I often feel that when I've had a breakthrough everything's a bit topsy-turvy for a while. Then it straightens out again, then there's another wave, another breakthrough, more topsy-turvy and on and on.

When I first started therapy I knew only fear and various degrees of anger and rage as feelings. Letting in other feelings can be overwhelming but it's also on the road to recovery. You're on that road too. 

[ah]

when I read this I felt a combination of things, bitter-sweet. Bitter because it can be so overwhelming, and unfamiliar. Sweet because you're growing and growing and growing, and it's beautiful to see.
i'd feel stressed and tired if I were you.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks San, Blueberry and Ah. I'd love to individually respond to each of you, but expressing myself emotionally — including appreciation — is getting a little bit too stressful for me now . . mostly because I don't really want to acknowledge how grateful I am to all of you.

I'm humiliated at how experienced I am logically, and how terrible I am emotionally — I just feel you people would abandon me.

Warmth is terrifying to me. My distress around confusion is more intense than my distress over embarrassment, shame, disgust and anger. Safety to me means something that can be understood, researched, theorized on, analyzed and solved — and what love often demands of me is to feel it . . . passively without logic. This makes me feel utterly helpless.

Without thinking, I'm naked. Without thinking, I'm forced to surrender. Without thinking, the only thing I can do is to trust a feeling — a stranger to me all these years — with absolute faith. My love of thinking has been my joy, my meaning and my will to live in life. . . Not this.

I'm taking the advice of others here to let these feelings come out slowly at a time. What's left in this emotional numbing is curiosity and wonder — a nice familiar anchor in my life, the usual fear of not understanding things enough to survive life . .  . and a small amount of warmth that wasn't there before.

I've taken lots of naps, rested in analysis and research mode, and I feel calmer . . . but I have to go back to the rest of my emotions eventually to feel them. I still feel really tired though. . . heavy physically.

But I'm too curious to give it up now. All these years I was just wondering why people saw love as this one big great thing when I felt nothing with people. . . . I wanted to understand the world as much as I could and I've learned that meant I had to understand it in every perspective possible — including a more emotional type of truth.

And well, when I'm curious . . . what can stop me?

[Three Roses]

I just feel you people would abandon me.

We wouldn't, we are all here to give and get support.

[sanmagic7]

not gonna happen, d.r.  we're in this together. 

struggling with this emotional side has been a challenge.  i love that you can be curious about it.  draw to your strengths.

i didn't understand most of the emotional side of being human, either, especially about people being afraid.  when i first felt and acknowledged it in myself here, i was very messy about it, worried, too, that this 'flaw' (as i saw it) would cause me to be disconnected from others.  instead, the warmth and acceptance was always there, welcoming me closer, encouraging me to be with my emotional reality.

the people here kept it up, kept accepting and encouraging me, and it became easier and easier to explore this unfamiliar emotional realm.  i don't have it all together emotionally by a long shot, but they are breaking thru bit by bit, step by step.  it can be painful, scary, frustrating, and overwhelming at times, but, as i've said before, i'm feeling more whole as a person than ever.

you've been grounded in facts and logic through this - i used to float thru life, rarely touching ground.  that's exactly how it felt to me, floaty.  i'm feeling less of that these days, more grounded.  it's different, but good.  i'm feeling more peaceful, which is also new.  but, i like it.

so, if warmth terrifies you, would you like a break from sending you warm, loving hugs?  how about a safe cyber hug   .  better?  i can do that.  i don't want you to feel overwhelmed if how i respond is too much for you.  slowly, step by step.  if you ever get ready for more, let me know.   i'm here for you (unless i get too overwhelmed by something in my own life, then i'm not here for anybody). 

i really think you're doing good, d.r.  this is tough stuff.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks you two.

San, I think you're right in mentioning that your way of talking to me is too much for me at the moment. But I only post when I'm asking for something like this and I rather you assume to do so unless I say otherwise.I guess I should take a break from this place — I can feel the emotions of being overwhelmed creeping up the more I stay here.

I'll leave this forum for a bit, unless I miss you people too much and come back — which is why I'm so willing to come despite all the discomfort I have around emotions. I could use a break to something that would allow me to detach from my feelings into logic . . . as I notice the awkwardness around this place is slowly making me more irritable and tired too much.

Well, see you.

[Three Roses]

Take care! I'm glad you're taking steps to take care of yourself. 

[sanmagic7]

also glad you're being careful for yourself.  we'll be here whenever you decide it's ok to return.  your own pace, your own space.   

[Blueberry]

I just feel you people would abandon me.

We wouldn't, we are all here to give and get support.

Ditto!

I'm glad you're recognising what you need and honouring that by taking a break from the forum.        See you when you come back whenever it's good for you. 

[DecimalRocket]

Heh. Thanks guys, but it turns out I'm more attached to this place than I thought. I find showing my deeper emotions here deeply uncomfortable yet I really miss this place. When I read the updates around my posts here -- I think I might have felt my face heat up red and something wildly panicking inside me. But I'm still here . . .

The more I know and analyze about something, the less it scares me. So I thought I'd observe these new feelings of connection for certain patterns to feel more at ease.

It seems I'm partially dissociated. I think of my thoughts and ideas as "myself" and see my feelings, the feelings that are empathetic reactions to other people, as "something else invading me". I guess this is why I find it so disturbing.

I miss people more. Missing people isn't new to me as I've felt this before (On which the first time I did I outright panicked at the shock of something so bizarre happening.). What's strange is that it happens so much more often -- I guess I have to get used to this sadness somehow or find a way to deal with it.

I find the concept of beauty in emotions strange. I've seen emotions in myself and others as fascinating to analyze -- much like a psychologist studying people with a detached perspective, but to see it in a way artists do as "beauty" is another thing. I've cried at a song recently - on which I've never done before -- probably because of this new empathy thing and how the singer described being emotionally neglected too. I was grieving . . . but there was a pleasant feeling I didn't really get before. . . something I'd call beautiful.

I also seem to get a more physicist understanding of beauty -- which if you don't know about is how physicists talk about finding equations that explain incredibly complex things in the simplest way as "beautiful". Ah, I seem to feel what they mean now -- even outside physics when things are explained wonderfully simply. I find this stance. . . a lot less confusing than the rest mentioned..

I find emotions uncomfortable is because it feels more involuntary than logic. I can change my thoughts but I can never seem to fully stop my feelings. I find it a little bit disturbing how my inner emotional worlds change with others now.

I'm a little bit more extroverted than before now that I'm more attached to people. I still spend most of my time pondering things alone though but there's a noticeable difference. . .I wonder how I'll adjust to this change?

I've read some advice online on how to make empathy less overwhelming -- like centering or visualization exercises -- it worked well. But for some reason later on I missed feeling the pain of others and did whatever I could to feel this way again -- I find it strange how this can be a pleasant experience. . . Oh well.

I'm a little more sentimental. There's this practice I've observed where people mull over memories of their times with others. . . on which I'm confused about because there is no logical purpose. I feel sad thinking of memories like these, but enjoy it somehow.

Is it me or I got more likable with other people? I usually maintain some likability because that genuine childlike curiosity and wonder for about everything can be charming - even getting a little excitable sometimes (And a lot less serious in real life.) . . but there's . . .something else now.

Conclusion : Emotions are weird.

Very weird.

But very very very interesting. . . and terrifying.

[sanmagic7]

they are weird, i totally agree.  uncontrollable, yes, but we can control how we respond to them.  sometimes it takes practice just feeling them, sometimes it's more of an active response, such as pacing ourselves, or how to express them. 

i once heard that in the emotional realm, we need to acknowledge, accept, identify, and express our emotions/feelings.  acknowledge that we have something going on, accept that it's there and part of your being, identify what the emotion/feeling is, and express it appropriately.  (i'm still not very good at this - sometimes if i get to the expressing part, it kind of explodes before i can figure out what would be appropriate.  still learning.)

it's interesting to me how your analytical view is intermingled with the actuality of feeling things.  i'm enjoying this new perspective.  you're digging into it while i used to float thru/above it.   and i love that you're seeing beauty where you never knew it existed.  i think that's so cool.

thanks for sharing this, d.r.  it's like i'm watching a flower bloom, and it's wondrous to behold.     

[Three Roses]

This comment struck a chord of recognition with me:

I find emotions uncomfortable is because it feels more involuntary than logic.

And I found myself nodding, yes, like something that's happening to me, rather than something I'm doing.

[DecimalRocket]

I'd think up something to thank you two, but I'm just . . . really tired. More exhausted than I've ever been in a long time.

I spent a lot of time grieving today. A lot of time crying. I know that I'm supposed to pace my emotions, but they just came rushing out. I don't know — it seems all this new feelings of love awakened flashbacks of times when I've had utter hopeless and pessimism over the idea of the emotion. Believing that love was impossible. Believing no one could be trusted. Believing I didn't deserve love. Believing I was utterly worthless and useless to others due to my own weakness.

I don't know if this increased compassion would even do me much good. Can't help on solving problems when the potential of my own brilliance and curiosity is drowned out by EFs and my own hypervigilance. Can't help give support emotionally when my own heart is breaking from the stress. And I'm not really special in anything physically.

You know. . . I'd love to analyze something relaxing. What's the difference between a stressful problem and a relaxing problem to solve to me you ask? Well, in a relaxing problem, I get to analyze it at my own pace. No schedules — just follow my curiosity at the time I want to. I get to solve it because I truly am fascinated, not because I'm afraid of what happens if I won't. I can learn it in my own way and get to learn it somewhere quiet.

Sigh, if only every problem in my life was a problem like that.

Ah, man, and now I'm crying again. . .