DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[camille13512]

Decimal, I can relate to your post a lot. All the horrible dreams and imagination, and the uncontrollable feeling of "not deserve to be, to do, to exist". But there is one thing I am slowly learning, and I want you know that too. Ideas do not hurt people. You chose to not act on any of the ideas, no matter what the reasoning is. You may tell yourself that it's because you are afraid of consequences. The tricky thing about idea or thought is that once they appear, they do not disappear. Those ideas may include the ideas we are afraid of, and the ones that intimidate us. To me it is an incredible courage to fight against those ideas so frequently without giving into them.  It is hypocritical for me to say this aloud, as I am struggling with the very same thing. But I want you to know that I am so glad and grateful that you are here, posting, reaching out, and replying to others' posts including mine. You said you did it out of selfishness, but when I am on the receiving end it doesn't really matter whether your intention is genuinely altruism or a mixture of both. Your words are genuine enough. The fact that you did it is genuine enough. You must have heard this a lot already, but I'll say it again: you are not alone in this. It does feel an individual, isolated battle all the time, but you are not alone. You told me once to take my pace and be patient with myself, so if you don't mind, I wish to share those time and kindness with you back. Hope you don't mind a warm hug

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Camille. Sorry to worry you with the outburst there. That flashback was particularly stressing me out. And yes, I guess I was biased in the evidence against myself. Big sigh here really.

....

The strategy I thought of before coming on this forum is quite complete. You see — I have a certain philosophy in personal development — change the entire long term nature of improvement with strategy rather than just repeating the same long term vision over and over.

Now what do I mean by that? Ah, if you happened to read what I said long ago on this journal, you'd remember that I divided my life into different periods like a historian does.

I'd call this part of my life the interdependence age while the one before that the independence age. The first I focused on dealing with emotional intelligence skills that involved my own emotional awareness, individual emotional management, problem solving and discipline. This began when I was a child working on myself alone.

This time my strategy was changed to focus on gaining more allies and skills in relationships — and of course, for moral reasons, that I repay them in some way if possible. I did that by first dealing with my intense distrust of others by first opening up online for more than a year then in real life recently. Since then I've gained insights and support from various forums, online chatrooms, other students in real life, teachers, neighbors, relatives and recently, therapists. This took about 2 years in comparison.

One of the weirdest things is that for much of my life, people often moved away from me. But now I seem to have this ability to attract willing help for some reason — Eh. What happened?

Now if I focused the first part of my life on thinking skills — like analysis, independent reasoning or problem solving skills . . . then another part of my life focusing on emotional skills like my own emotional acceptance and compassion towards other people. . . I wonder what benefit I could have on working on skills for the health of my own physical body — I could use the energy.

I did promise people who've helped me before that I'd repay the world in some way. So I intend to do just that — with strategy, my formal studies, my free time projects and action.

Heh. Well, this sounds interesting.

I'd rather have a difficult and fascinating life than an easy and uninteresting life.

So let's see . . . what I can figure out.

Problem is though . . . is that I don't have the energy to get more energy.

[sanmagic7]

d.r., maybe you need to rest a bit, let the world go by for a while.  you're so busy all the time with research, logic, strategies, problem-solving - whew!  that takes an awful lot of energy.  one of the most useful things my recent t told me was that for right now, i know enough.  it's ok to just be for awhile.

pretty new concept.  didn't quite know what to do with that.  i took a break from here, from research, focused on me as just being who i am.  it didn't take too long until i could feel some energy returning, but i wanted to utilize it differently.  keep it focused more on myself cuz that's where it needed to go.

don't know if that strikes a chord with you, but it's helped me.  it's allowed me to delve into those emotional places that had been absent or neglected.  i feel a bit more of a whole person.  so, if it helps, i'll pass that along to you.  it's ok to take a break and just be you.

sending a hug filled with warmth and love.

[Blueberry]

Problem is though . . . is that I don't have the energy to get more energy.

I really know how this feels! Years of that. I'd say I have the t-shirt 
It has been getting better though, with trauma-informed t. Hope it'll get better for you too.

[DecimalRocket]

 Blueberry, it's a shame you feel that way too. Thank you for wishing me better. .

Yes, San, I recognize I need to rest more. Just thought I'd brainstorm what I might do next without actually doing them. None of this is final actually.

But sure, I do need a lot of rest these days now that I think about it. I've been feeling weak lately from trying to catch up with what I missed in my studies . . . as well as grieving my past sometimes.

But it's not as bad as you think. . . I do a lot of resting — I just don't find it that interesting to post what I'm doing as a break. Also, the act of brainstorming, analyzing and planning in this way is energizing to me — it's when I carry out these plans too much that it becomes stressful. I'm more of a thinker than a doer after all and to actually go without thinking enough for my brain to ache painfully on a regular basis is even more stressful.

I have a certain guideline when I dedicate myself to a project for others — that out of everything — I need to find it interesting.  There are a lot of ways I could have helped people even better but won't because I find it boring — especially intellectually boring. Curiosity comes before compassion, and in that sense, I focus on myself more than you think.

But sometimes I need a break from thinking too. I've been binge watching an adventure action show lately. Nothing more pleasant than watching two young boys travel, train and beat the * out of their opponents while living the power of friendship! Bwahahaha.

Thanks anyway though. 

[Hope66]

Hi DecimalRocket,
I like your guideline about ensuring a project you take on is interesting - I think that shows you are selecting things that are meaningful to you - and I admire that.
Glad you're enjoying watching the Adventure Action show - you're so right about how it's good to take a break and enjoy something.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks for the affirmations Hope. I was a little anxious about what other people would think but you were the opposite of what I thought would happen.

...


It was unpredictable. . . an unpredictable day. And the unpredictable could be stressful. Tiring. Exhausting. Catching up with my studies is tough.

I'd have preferred ideally if the world was categorized into certain patterns of time, effort and energy required — and there would be some type of machine that can analyze that through the amount of estimated energy in your body and brain presented in numerical levels compared with the average of the general population's energy levels around a certain activity.

Thinking this, I was anxious what people thought of me . . . so I did a technique called "The Shadow" which involves imagining someone who's giving you advice without planning what they should say — only letting their ideas flow . . . so the ideas from your own subconscious would come.

Friend: That's because you don't seem to understand context.
Me : Context?
Friend : Remember when you talked about the people who didn't believe you? Well, if you look at the context, you were more stressed out during that time and wasn't able to explain properly. This means people will not always not believe you. Think of another example.
Me : Well, I'm afraid this one lady won't believe me on a forum. I don't know — when I clear up misunderstandings, I assume the other party is hurt in some way
Friend : Sounds like you're projecting your past emotional responses to other people again. When other people's thoughts and emotions sound exactly like yours to you, then you're probably not empathizing well.
Me : Uhh, so what next?
Friend : What's their history and personality? Context again. Different people act differently.
Me : Well, she's changed her mind before, so I think she'll believe me.
Friend : Other forms of context?

... And this context thing would continue. It cleared up some anxiety around people but I was still anxious.

Me : Sigh.
Friend : It's alright if you don't get people. You're oddly sweet, you know. You'll get there.
Me : I'm embarrassed. I can be . . . different. I can be warm, humorous and easygoing. I can also be more logical, detailed, and more serious. Both sides are real. . . just. . . one side is more likeable. The other side is more likely to get snores. And the second, well, is the more dominant side of me.
Friend : Well, I like you — all of you.
Me : Well. . . who knows.

When I think of understanding people, I think of qualitative research. Compared to quantitative research, it has context. You're not just watching your subject from a detached point of view. You have to create some kind of subjective understanding of a person to understand them in interaction.

In other words, to understand people . . .

I had to be more than just an observer.

[sanmagic7]

d.r., i really enjoy your dialogues.  such creativity.  such truths.

i don't think any one of us can totally understand any other one of us.  context, itself, can be subjective.  like, yeah, i can relate to being emotionally neglected like you (as an example), but the pure context of that situation will be completely personal.  it won't have been done by exactly the same person in exactly the same way, time, or place in our lives. 

you mentioned before that as you're getting more in touch with your emotional side, that you are also now feeling more of others' pain.  that must mean you are becoming more than just an observer already.  it sounds like a shift has been made.  that, to me, my friend, is magic.  the magic of the universe.  non-logical.  does that give you context?

i don't know.  i do think it gives you something valuable, tho.  it gives you the knowledge that life and interaction are more than logic and reasoning.  i see you growing, d.r., in a fine and wonderful way.  beautiful.  magical.  sparkling.

big hug to you, sweetie, filled with continuance and love. 

[DecimalRocket]

——
Thanks San. Your kindness is a type of magic itself as well.

I understand how love can be magic. It's a strange thing — to be able to enjoy things with feelings and not due to how intellectually fascinating something is. Maybe that's why I listen to more music these days. Heh.

Yes, we can never fully understand people just like people can never fully understand the world or the universe. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to understand what we can more anyway.

The first step to analysis is not to gather information. It's to believe whatever you want to understand isn't as random or lacking in causes as you think. To believe in order when there is chaos.

It's not just something found in math or science. It's a way of life. It's a special kind of courage to try to understand something you can never fully understand or might never would.

Deep clarity is a rare thing. To see your life and the world without bias is one of the most difficult things anyone can do — to see it clearly without arrogance, to see it clearly without a lack of confidence, to see it clearly without caring what others think, to see it clearly without fear of the future, to see it clearly with whatever shame or anger you feel and to see it clearly beyond culture and setting. And to use this as wisdom to drive your life and others' better.

You misunderstand when you say love and kindness is non-logical. When I can find compassion where I find shame and when I can find belongingness where there's loneliness — then that allows a levelheadedness that allows me to be more objective to find clarity. The best logic isn't found in ignoring emotions. It's found in working with emotions.

That's my plan after all.

All I wanted all my life was to understand — but I didn't realize that so much of my pain was because I wasn't willing to share what I understood with other people. It's a healing thing to allow others more clarity and other people allowing more clarity in myself.

And that's . . . that's magic. The magic I want more in my life and why I want to be listened to.

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, d.r.  i think we may simply have some different perspectives here, and nothing wrong with that.

i find love to be magical because it is, to me, so illogical at times.  i have no logic or understanding about the wave of fierce love i felt when my daughters were born.  i didn't feel it before they were born.  they were just passengers i was carrying around.   

so, there are things that defy logic to me, and i'm ok with that.   and, i believe that as long as you're comfortable with your worldview, that's what matters most.  we don't have to understand each others'.  it's what makes us the diverse individuals we are.

nevertheless, i'll keep listening.  your perspective may be different than mine, but it's still interesting to me.  as are you.  big hug filled with love and acceptance to you, my dear.

[DecimalRocket]

San, I appreciate you sharing your view here even if it's different. It's interesting.

The idea that things can be beautiful because they have no reason or make no sense seems absolutely opposite to what I care about in life — but this seems to be what makes you kind so I love that part of you.

Developing compassion more is illogical in some ways now that I think about it — feeling pain when others' feel pain certainly isn't really an enjoyable experience, but for some reason I feel I should feel it anyway.

Ah, fascinating, and honestly, pretty confusing. Feeling empathy is getting more overwhelming too, especially with this forum. So this is what people mean by "this broke my heart" when they see someone hurting. How do you people deal with these feelings so often?

My empathy before was more distant and mechanically polite when I first came on this forum. But now I feel things more deeply. I feel people's greatest joy and their greatest hurt. I want everything to make sense, but these feelings have no sense. It's scary.

It's scary.

[Three Roses]

IMO, we must develop a healthy amount of empathy, because we need it to express to our own Inner, hurting Children. Without it, there's no understanding what they went thru, no communicating with them.

[DecimalRocket]

Thanks Three Roses, but sigh. I knew that and I'm not going to stop developing empathy any time soon, but I still struggle with my confusion around it. I've been getting like this for more than a year now whenever I grow more empathetic enough. It's stupid, I know, but I can't stop it that easily.

Maybe I'll just go hide under a rock in embarassment . . . and tell myself the evolutionary reason for compassion is to create a reciprocal feedback loop of help towards each other to create a win-win response of cooperation that is beneficial to all parties involved in the long term.

[Three Roses]

Uh oh, did I offend you? I was trying to be supportive ... I'm sorry if I did

[sanmagic7]

d.r., my dear.  i believe you're beginning to feel your emotions/feelings, which would, indeed, be scary.  it has been for me, especially when i first felt fear.  i basically asked the same question on this forum 'how do you live with feeling like this all the time?'

it is scary to have another, illogical part of you begin to open up, especially when you've relied on logic and making sense of everything during your life.  i've done the same thing in my own way.  this whole emotion/feeling gig is a brand new world.  slowly, slowly, step by step. 

i think it's why humans are classified as 'social animals'.  otherwise, if we were all logic, we'd be just as comfortable with robots and their lack of warmth.  as it is, we come together in community, even an online community such as this one.  and, i'm guessing that the pain of others can break our hearts over and over because we have such big hearts to begin with.  there's plenty of room in our hearts for the joys and sorrows of others - the joys are mending the parts that get broken by sorrow.

just my take on it.  maybe not yours, but i'm ok with that.  thank you for the kind words.  i love that you're accepting of something so totally different from what you've cultivated all your life.   big, warm, loving hug to you.