ch. 3 70's survival

[DecimalRocket]

Well, San. I relate to how alextithymia makes creativity for its own sake harder. My brain works better analytically, than imaginatively.

This might be different for you and that's okay, but I'd like to suggest things. Usually even if I find other emotions hard to access and understand without a lot of time spent thinking about them, I can make use of certain "key" emotions I always seem to be aware of to be a major guide in the process.

Another thing I try with stories is to make it an even more "logical" problem. What do I mean by that? Well, that means making certain limits in the process. Things like words that have to be included in the story (Online random word generator helps) or the part of the story having to need a certain ending or start (that you can copy a sentence at random from another book).

When certain set rules are made, it becomes less of a creative emotional problem and more of a creative logical problem - with rules to go through or around from. Less variety of options to overwhelm my lack of awareness of my emotions to decide from subjective choices, but enough to remove many of the more predictable ideas as well for the good ones to stay.

Sorry you have trouble with all the bills to pay, and health problems too. I know how to budget my own allowance from my parents, but all the adult finances like major health bills sound tough and a whole other more confusing world to me.

Love you, San. I hope I didn't take too much space here. 

Well, hope I didn't bother too much

[sanmagic7]

thanks, d.r.  i love you right back.   

realized that my scared little me came to the fore today cuz of that mammo tomorrow.  i remembered that with all the illnesses and surgeries and doc situations i went thru as a child, my parents weren't really with me.  ever.  i had to go thru all that on my own, just do it, just do it just do it.

just absorb, tolerate, make the best of.  now this is coming out for me, when i've had so many more situations as an adult that i took in my stride.  why am i not getting stronger about this?  it's bothering me so much more now than ever before.  i don't get it.  i feel awful - my d won't be with me, am getting a ride from a strange man in the rideshare program.  i would think that i could just go and get it done and deal with the results.

i've been thru the cancer thing last year, this could be a second one in 6 months.  i hate feeling this fear at this time in my life.  i'm nearly sick with it.  and i know it was an ef that i experienced cuz i felt 6 again, the age when i got my tonsils out.    my aunt brought me a doll that afternoon in the hospital, but i don't remember how i got home. 

i've been doing this on my own forever.  and now is the first time i'm scared about it.  it just doesn't make sense to me.

[Blueberry]

Caring  to help you not feel so alone!

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, you reminded me of how i've been able to surround myself with all of you when i came across the border last year.  you all were a shield for me, and i really did not feel alone.  i will do that tomorrow.  thank you for that - you and everyone else will be with me.

i was able to talk to my d today, too, and she also told me she'll be with me in spirit, so that helped.  so did a couple of danish and a roast beef sandwich!  really pushed all that fear way down.   just messy, messy.  one thing she told me is that i'm not the same person i was back then, which is true.

i would think i'd be stronger instead of feeling weaker, but maybe it's cuz i feel safe enough to be so vulnerable now, plus the work i've been doing has truly been re-wiring my brain, allowing these emotions to come thru.   after all, if i think of this rationally, most people would feel scared in this situation.  it's been an aberration that i haven't been before now.

that's a whole new perspective for me, one i don't have much practice with.  that this would be normal rather than how i'd been in the past.  wowser.  quite a realization for me. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm emotionally shredded right now.  still no definite diagnosis, they want me to have another ultrasound.  that would be the 4th time looking at this, and i can't take it.  tears are dribbling down my face, i'm eating everything i can get my hands on, and xanax is trying to do its thing as well.

i can't take this, i feel so awful, i just want it all done.  i don't care.

[radical]

I really feel for you San.
Please keep holding on, even though it is so hard.
We are here for you, sending love from all around the world.

[DecimalRocket]

Sorry San for what you're going through. Sending some love too with a hug. 

[sanmagic7]

radical, and d.r. - you have both helped me so much to get thru this.  i felt your concern and love and it was wonderful.

so, it's over, nothing's wrong.  they couldn't even find the original mass that put this whole thing in motion.  and, i felt no relief at all.  all i felt was anger.

my d was so grateful there was nothing wrong, and i wish i could've felt the same, but it just wasn't there.  on my 'difficult days' thread, i wrote that i wanted to complain, but would feel gratitude for everyone getting me thru this past week.  for everyone here, for my d and hub, i am forever grateful, there is no doubt about that.

however, for the fact that nothing was found after having gone thru all this *, i was so p.o.'d, i couldn't speak.  literally.  everyone was/is so glad for me, i know that, but my truth was/seems so selfish - that i had to go thru all this all over again just to be told that nothing's wrong.

i felt so pressured (not by anyone here) to be grateful, that i didn't write how i really felt.  instead, i ate an inordinate amount of food this afternoon, pushing down my true emotion.  i felt like i 'should' be grateful, that complaining and being angry was going against how everyone else felt and i was wrong for having my own, nearly incomprehensible feelings of anger.

now that i think of it, was this an ef?  it seemed that i was reliving over 30 yrs. of docs telling me there was nothing wrong, even tho this time it was not me who had the complaint.  i had to go thru 4 bouts of discomfort, distress, pain, and the stress of these imagings without anything to show for it.

does it sound like i wanted cancer to be there?  really, no, i don't.  i've just gone thru this song and dance so very many times with nothing to show for it, so to speak.  is it just that doc visits/appts. are going to trigger me cuz of my history?  i have to admit it - i'm so ticked off to have had to go thru all this.  it may not make sense to anyone else, but i can't help it.

dang, it's always something.  i don't understand this, don't expect anyone else to, either.  but, i wanted to get this out, to proclaim it, in order to be ok with it.  now the tears are coming.  i'm so sad that i have to keep going thru this crapola, so mad that as many times as i've done the right thing, sought help, it deflated in front of me like mud bubbles.

i'm so pissed off that i had to go thru all these mammo's and ultra-sounds, all of which were extremely stressful, not only while i was going thru it but afterwards for days cuz they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, which was nothing.  once again.  there, i said it, it is what it is, and now i'm feeling defensive about it.  what the ef? 

i hope i'm going to learn something from this, be able to figure this out.  i don't know if i'll get over this, if it's too much over too long a time.  last time i went to the doc, i ripped him a new one, last week i made the tech feel like crap cuz i was so snarky about going thru another episode of this crap.    it wasn't her fault.

i guess i need some time to reflect on this.    i hate this.  it just doesn't go away.

[berceuse]

 

[DecimalRocket]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you berceuse and d.r. for the hugs.  i'm just resting today - feel tired.  i'm ok, tho.  just need some time without any pressures, deadlines, appts., or places to go.  i've got a week of that, and it looks so good.

a thought crossed my mind a moment ago - i love life.  i haven't thought of this for a very long time.  i used to tell people that i'd want 'she loved life' inscribed on my tombstone.  somewhere along the way i lost that belief.  just now, it flitted thru my mind, and it was a surprise.  i didn't think i'd ever see that again.

maybe i'm beginning to heal for real. 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad this is happening, San. You had it so hard in your life, San, and tried your absolute best to recover and become a better person. I remember you told me once when I finally felt like I was enough, you said if it'd happen once, it could happen again.

Love you, San. 

[sanmagic7]

i sent the letter to that t that i wasn't going to pay her any more than she's already been paid by my insurance, and included why.  it wasn't till a couple hours after i put it in the mail that i just burst into tears.  i'm feeling very down now, and that's the only thing i can think of.

i don't regret it, i just wish sometimes that i would be different, not rock the boat, just let it be.  i would advocate this action for anyone who didn't get satisfactory therapeutic treatment, and tell them how brave and courageous they are to do it, but all i feel for myself is sadness.  i think, now that i'm writing, is that i finally took a chance again by going to see someone, had such high hopes that i'd get the help i needed, and was let down with a bang. 

so, i'll just make it thru the rest of the nite and keep going again tomorrow. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you d.r.  you wrote just as i was finishing up, and the timing was perfect.  love you right back.  if i told that to you, i must believe it for myself as well.  hugs  to you, too.

i forget how much i've gone thru, how much i keep going thru.  i couldn't have made it this far without all kinds of help.  wouldn't make it till tomorrow without the help.  i just ask for the strength to make it thru one more day, and so far i've gotten it.  miracles and magic - that's where i put my trust, even when i don't always remember.  but they've never let me down when i've needed them most.

they'll come thru again - your post, d.r., was part of them. 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad you felt better, San. You told me that I tried my best when confronting someone, and I think you tried your best too.