What actually heals?

[Rose37]

I'd like to address this question to people who have healed their trauma or are almost at complete recovery...

So my question is, what actually helped you heal the black hole?

I'm finding that I'm stuck in my own recovery. I'm alternating between denying the pain temporarily to be with people who are loving, yet don't know my story, and isolating myself to find inner strength for healing. Yet since isolation leads to its own downward spiral..I'm finding this is not helpful to do anymore..  Can anyone shed light on how to break this cycle? What have you stuck with to bring healing for yourself?

Also- wondering if you have any book recommendations on people who have healed their traumas.

Thank you!!!

Please note- I am not necessarily interested in specific therapies...more so asking about what long term strategies were vital to your own recovery over time. 

[sanmagic7]

rose, i can honestly say that being part of this forum, this community, has helped me more than i can say.  it's gotten me thru some very tough times, times of being stuck, times of spiraling downward, times when i didn't have the energy to even write here.

i'm not done healing, not done with recovery, but i know i couldn't have gotten as far as i have without the help and support of the wonderful people here.  it is truly a healing community, and we even have a healing porch that one of the members created, where we can go in our minds to sit, relax, join others or just take a break.

you're welcome to join us.   the healing i have seen on this forum has been completely amazing.  sharing with others who 'get' it has resulted in so many people being inspiring and inspired to keep moving in their recovery.   finding that balance you need will come in time.  i think many of us have gone thru something similar.   i do believe that as long as we keep moving, whether it's forward, backward, or sideways, we are moving in recovery.   best to you with this.  i'm glad you posted. 

[woodsgnome]

The list of what I've tried would fill several pages, with varying results; so I'll just touch on a couple of things.

I'm not feeling that I've healed, but I have found ways to diminish the pain. The most important thing I've noticed is that any relief stems more from within than without, building around an acceptance that even if I can't undo any of the injured parts completely, I need not fall into defeatism and a poor-me mentality either. So one step might be called attitudinal adjustment.

Mindfulness meditation has become an overused term; I prefer to call it heartful meditation and find that no matter what it's called any means to slow the thought gremlins down allows the still inner self space to create anew what was destroyed. A lot of what's called recovery seems more like un-learning, ridding ourselves of the poisoning that occurred. Building self-compassion is key, and something I'm still moving into. While it's not always possible, if one can meditate in natural surroundings it helps frame and set a more relaxed tone allowing the mind to back off to the point where the new attitude can feel free to enter.

Whatever I try, I find the technique-driven ones are more of a burden, as one is always wondering..."am I doing this right?" So for me, the simpler the better; even if it's just 2 words...example: saying peace on in-breath; love on out-breath.

I've also found great value in visualizations. In one I picture a waterfall and let that stand for the cascade of thoughts--and like that chasm, the thoughts will rush on downriver...to be followed by yet more. But at the bottom of the falls there's often a pool that forms, and I picture that as capturing the thoughts I want or need. I've also started to incorporate more little rituals and ceremonies using natural objects (stones, shells, pine cones, etc.)--to me they help me commit to following my heart's desire. Rather like prayer but without the deity-begging parts.

Altering one's ingrained habits, for me, involved lots of self-study, not so much to find out what was wrong, which I know only too well, but to learn new ways of being free to find the real me, inside (again). Which leads me to the reading you wondered about. There's so many books that have helped, but if I had to mention one that changed my perspective about so much of life (not just the abusive parts) it was THE WAY OF REST by Jeff Foster (THE DEEPEST ACCEPTANCE and FALLING IN LOVE WITH WHERE YOU ARE are 2 others; plus he has several videos posted on youtube and elsewhere).

THE WAY OF REST is not exactly a relaxation book, but is more about acceptance and healing from within to help with those attitudinal changes I touched on above. While he does discuss his rough early life, he doesn't dwell there either. His approach is appealing as he uses a form of poetic prose that speaks to the heart more than the mind. No 6 sure steps to happiness, and no mindless all-is-positive pep talks (but lots of common sense encouragement); mostly just solid reflections on living from the heart more than the head.

As indicated, I don't feel healed, but in various stages of getting to a better sense with my own story. Part of it mirrors yours, Rose37, in that conundrum around people--reaching out in hope but drawing back again in fear. Hesitant to reach out, but knowing there has to be a way, as I'm so isolated, partly by choice and partly by deaths of the only solid friends I did have. The best I seem able to do there is be patient, and continue to adjust that part of the attitudinal cycle. Tall order, though.   

[songbirdrosa]

Just to echo sanmagic, this forum has been invaluable in helping me get through the more trying periods. The support and resources have really helped me to see things much clearer and faster than I think I would have if I'd been on my own.

Mindfulness meditation has become an overused term; I prefer to call it heartful meditation and find that no matter what it's called any means to slow the thought gremlins down allows the still inner self space to create anew what was destroyed. A lot of what's called recovery seems more like un-learning, ridding ourselves of the poisoning that occurred. Building self-compassion is key, and something I'm still moving into. While it's not always possible, if one can meditate in natural surroundings it helps frame and set a more relaxed tone allowing the mind to back off to the point where the new attitude can feel free to enter.

My psychologist has me doing this as well. For me it's a two-fold therapy, first it really helps to unlock what I've suppressed and denied for basically my whole life, and secondly it's retraining my nervous system to recognise that I'm not in constant danger anymore. She tells me that once that reaction has really calmed down, my body and mind will just know what I need next and I'm starting to see what she means. Because of what I've done so far, my deeply buried emotions have come out, and I've realised that my mother was a significant problem.

I might offer the same thing I told my friend just this afternoon. Only you can decide what is best for you, but a good place to start is with two questions. Why do I feel this way? How do I get past it? I'd recommend the help of a professional to answer the second one. For me, it's about learning the normal relationships and coping strategies that my parents neglected to show me. I can't say what it is for you, but know that I sincerely wish you the best in your recovery

[Candid]

I agree with the others, next to the One Great Therapist we all dream about, this forum is the go-to for recovery. People here are at all different stages, from the truly bewildered to those who've been aware of their CPTSD for years and can refer other members to all kinds of good info on the subject. I like it that I get different perspectives on my own worst days.

[clarity]

Hi Rose

My best ally for healing has been the DESIRE to heal.  The hunger to be more well, more myself.  In a strange way I somehow turned the dissatisfaction with myself into a dissatisfaction with my woundedness and the blocks that held me back so much.  This has worked so well, helping me have more energy to keep going ( because its a lo-o-ong journey for sure, but one that changes each step of the way so that it has remained pretty interesting!) 

The biggest breakthroughs for me came from reading Peter Levine, Robert Scaer ( not seen him mentioned on forum yet but his books are tops) and recently Pete Walker.   

Self education about this whole subject is key.  Empowering yourself and not just relying on a therapist.  Becoming better informed means you can start to catch yourself in certain behaviours and nip things in the bud.

And the most magical of all words for cptsd ..... ALLOWING.....

Emotions, needs, desires .... little by little, inch by inch.... as you prove to yourself that it really is ok to exist!!!!   

And honouring yourself with the precious healing resource of TIME...... being generous with that.

Listening to, building a relationship with your inner child self, teenage self..... parts work is vital I think.  Learning how to include those parts in your daily life and give them the love and attention that they did not have before.  This is perhaps what has healed me the most. 

Not judging yourself harshly in any way.  This takes such a lot of practice, but is achievable...if you slip up, immediately counterbalancing it with a reframe and a loving apology to yourself!

Creative hobbies etc like painting/gardening/music.... where you can just be yourself are great ways to practice self compassion and how to quieten the inner critic. 

And as others say - this forum!! Stay and post... it is truly a font of grace!

[helliepig]

Feeling the pain. Not just the obvious stuff, but all the yukky nasty shameful horrid stuff. Promising to be with yourself no matter what comes up, sitting with it and just accepting it. Going wherever it takes you. Facing the unfaceable.

You have to find yourself in all its forms - even after I'd cleared masses of trauma I still had parts that were shameful, grieving, furious and afraid to live. Only by really letting them take centre stage have I moved from a place where nothing seemed to help to really feeling something has changed and really understanding what it is to be on my own side.
I'd lived life in drab grey and I didn't feel I had a right to be here. Now it's coloured and hopeful and I can choose things like who I like, what I think who I am. It still feels mighty mighty weird!

The deep level grieving can only happen when you're ready and once you've healed enough of the onion rings, but your inner wisdom will lead you when you are ready - when you are grab it with both hands

[Blueberry]

The deep level grieving can only happen when you're ready and once you've healed enough of the onion rings, but your inner wisdom will lead you when you are ready - when you are grab it with both hands

Woah, helliepig, that's a sentence and a half. And it actually gives me hope because I've entered the deep level grieving phase, or probably more apt to say one of them. They probably come again and again like the onion rings.

[caseyjobs]

Writing helps me a lot, when I do it consistently.  I mean, any form of communication, really, is helpful.  When I can communicate, I am OK. 

And not only that, but I had to find a specific format that works for me.  Writing in my journal, to myself, doesn't help one bit.  I need an audience, so I blog anonymously and post about it on Facebook to get some response from those who care to read.
Lately, I've been writing in letter format to an anonymous friend, inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and I'm finding it's giving me more space to express myself than writing to no one in particular.  It's also allowing me to be more indirect with my feelings, which makes them way easier to express.

And music too.  Playing music, singing, listening to it with others can do wonders for me sometimes.

[helliepig]

hang in there Blueberry. Once you start to feel "real" feelings they are scarey and it's hard to believe they will pass, but it's much cleaner somehow than the morphed rubbish of stuff we feel all the time before we dare face the real stuff. And honestly, if you do it fully and bravely, it does really clear stuff.
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time!

[I like vanilla]

I agree with hellipig. Feeling my feelings has been HUGE in helping me heal.

The Spartan Life Coach (on Youtube) gives some suggestions about feeling feelings and working through them.

[EliseB]

I agree, we have to go through the grieving, instead of automatically  trying to avoid the pain.  When I started to let myself feel the grief that I tucked away since childhood, was when I started to heal. I feel we all have our own ways of doing this, and it's good to have a "toolkit" to go to.

I think the things in my toolkit are split into mental and physical. When I'm feeling very low, as in feeling like I physically can't move or go forward in life, my go-to is writing. Usually a journal is enough for me. I tend to have so much floating up in my head that anything more structured is difficult, so I keep a journal where I can ramble off all the thoughts that are swimming around, and try to make sense of them. Writing connects me to feeling alive again. For really raw, emotional moments, I write free-form poetry to put words to the vivid pain inside. I also read and try to educate myself in my healing. I really like the newsletter from Psychcentral.com, which includes a lot of information about childhood emotional neglect.

My physical coping skills include yoga, exercise, swimming, and ice skating during the winter. Sometimes my physical tension requires movement.  The book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk talks about how rhythmic movement such as a aerobic exercise helps to heal trauma. I have not had time to read the whole book, but I look through it from time to time. My real love is reading fiction, and I believe in the power of story to heal. I would love to have more time to write about my own story in an organized way. Maybe someday...

And yes, music! Listening, singing, and playing the keyboard all help me to feel deeply and not be afraid of the feelings. I love how music is a physical, emotional, and spiritual experience.

Finally I have to say nature.  I believe there are so much peace and healing to be found in nature, which is always there for us even when others fail us. There are really so many joyful things in this world, which is helpful to remember that they are there on the other side of going through the pain.

[BlancaLap]

I had the same question too!