Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[sanmagic7]

you already are, dearest el.  you know it's there, you can feel it, you've been able to relate to it when i've mentioned it.  the more you use it, be with it, the stronger it will get.  it's an intrinsic part of you that you didn't know was there, but as soon as someone else mentioned it, you recognized yourself as well.  i'm smiling for you.

warm, loving hug to you sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

That has made my morning. It is just about 10a.m. here and I am already smiling  Thank you for mentioning her to me, so I could find that part of me. It has resonated for me since the first time I saw you write about it.

Sending lots of love and warmth to you 

[Blueberry]

Realization came that she would have chosen to experience the hurt. That by ten I believed so fully that I deserved it, and that there was no other way that I would have continued to have been hurt rather than no one hurt at all. I was by ten so deeply lost.... I had so much self blame, hate, and just this belief that the world could never be any different for me. Seeing that little girl in so much pain and to realize that was difficult.

Now it is my job to help that little girl heal, and not feel that way anymore. It is just a realization that stuck with me

Hope I'm not too late to give you and if possible that poor little 10 year old girl safe 

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, you are definitely not too late. That is a wound that will take me, and that ten year old a long time to process. Your warm, safe hugs are so greatly appreciated.   

[Elphanigh]

Tomorrow is the day we find out if my ex gf is going to have to come back to the states. I know I will find out one way or the other, but part of me really has no desire to know. I have no desire to take the emotional hit that either answer will put me through. I forsee two reactions:

1. She gets to stay, and I fully have to grieve her. I have done a decent amount of grieve but I know this would probably open a fresh batch of that emotion.

2. She gets denied and I have to decide what to do. I have to deal with the fact she will likely b e in the same city as me. I have to then decide if I can actually be the friend I want to be with her, without hurting myself. I have to figure out what to do, and hold back the parts of me that will feel guilty for holding her at a distance. This will bring a giant mix of emotions, rather than the singular one that would come from the other scenario.

Either way I am feeling myself start to emotionally prepare for tomorrow.

Today I have my own agonizing waiting game. I have sent my emails for the paperwork I need for graduate school applications. I have to wait until the business office clears me before I can do anything. If they do not clear me, I do not get to even apply to school. My work ends there until next year at least. So I am hoping and praying (although I am not generally a praying type maybe it will help..) that they will release my transcripts. So here I sit and wait for two sets of news that will affect both the next few months, and the next year.

My anxiety is obviously high. My perfectionism, and fear responses are definitely active in me as well. I realize if I was a normal person this would still be the case but with my cptsd these responses are heightened. I will try to burn off energy tonight and to keep my inner littles calmer because I know there are parts of them that are affected by the stress adult me goes through with all of this.


I know this because some of my nightmares have returned. I managed to have two last night that were similar to some I used to get as a teenager. Both involving ridiculously terrifying car wrecks, and my own death. I wake up in an instant, shooting out of bed with my heart racing and not knowing entirely where I am. Feeling like that death in my dream was real until I am almost violently jerked back to the world of the waking. 

[DecimalRocket]

Hey Elpha, it's tough when there are unpredictable changes in life, especially with Cptsd. 

I've had stressful times when I was waking up before too. I felt like I was waking up to a nightmare. Waking up, I'd forget for a few seconds the pain of my life from drowsiness but then have a sudden crushing realization that this horror is still real.

I hope you and your little ones would be alright.

See you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Decimal  My littles and I did surprisingly well yesterday

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed and prayers flying, el, for those transcripts. 

best to you with what might happen with your ex.  i'm hoping for the least pain and distress for you.  tough decisions to make.

earth mother spirit embracing you to calm and soothe you as you go thru such emotional waiting games.   big hug filled with warmth and love, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for that. I won't know until Monday now, as they decided not to answer their emails. It is seriously hurting my motivation to get eveyrthing done. 

My ex got her visa, which means not hard decisions to come. Had it gone the other way I would have been put in several more difficult situations. So less hard decisions now.

Definitely trying to take in the soothing, calming essence. I need it 

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Elphanigh]

Hugs are so needed, thank you 

[Elphanigh]

This is a really lengthy journal,  and in light of new developments it is probably time for a new one anyways. Once I figure out the goal for the next year I will have a better chance naming and starting the new one.

I am not able to go to graduate schoop next fall because I am not even able to finish the applications. Now this particular reason is not in my control really. So I am trying to decide how best to keep moving forward.

For the next few days i think that is allowing myself to process and just breathe. Maybe pick up a book just for fun, and try to spend time finding some peace in this.

After than I will find a new plan of action. I feel like I need to have some sort of purpose or game plan. That may be taking more time to focus on my healing journey, and then chasing after grad school next January.

I will probably still move in the fall. I have wanted to see new places, and one od my friends has said she would love to have me along because she also wants to move. So I think leaving this place will still be in store for me by August just not for schools.

I am trying to take this as a good thing. To be able to silence the ICr that is so harshly judging me on this. To be able to see past some of the perfectionism and old voices.

Not really sure where to go from here, but I will go somewhere

[sanmagic7]

yes you will go somewhere, probably exactly where you need to be.  sorry grad school didn't work out for you this time, but i think it's great that you took such a pos. philosophical look at it - well, that's what you do, isn't it?  philosophy?  and, you may be completely right about the time being used for other purposes.  you'll find your way.

i give you a lot of credit, el, for holding it together like this, dealing with it so well.  it shows a lot of maturity and growth.  well done, sweetie!   big hug full of warmth and love.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. My post last night (under just having a rough day) was not so positive. There have been a great deal of tears and emotions to go with this. Today's post comes from a place of strength and courage that I have had to work to get to.

I wish this maturity and calm outlook was my first reaction. It has come after two days of looking for it.

I do philosophy, you are correct. Thank you for remembering that. Hopefully I will continue to do it, but I am nervous this will change that

[sanmagic7]

this time it only took 2 days.  i'd bet that in your past it has taken you longer than that.  that's progress, sweetie. 

hoping for the best for you, always, no matter what changes and challenges may be around the corner for you.  could this be a time for creativity?  anything's possible.  loving hug.