Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for being with me in this.  I am sorry you go through the difficulties this brings as well. You are right though, is good we are living our own lives and becoming healthier. I needed that reminder so much 

[Elphanigh]

This week has been a rough one, and a reminder of how hard this journey can be. The holidays have truly hit me harder than they usually do but I am determined to feel all of the feels and use this difficult time to understand more about my own journey.

Emdr and ego state work was super intense the last two times I have been in. Today's was particularly difficult as we got into some of the self blame my inner little one holds. This is the ten year old ego state of mine, as I have five I should specify here.

I am so glad to be going through this process but sometimes I question that thought. Having to go through my childhood again, and to go deeper than I have before is exhausting and painful beyond words. I am having to accept more of my own truth, and sit with the feelings more than I previously have.

My therapist is beyond amazing and encouraging but I don't always believe her when she tells me I am doing really well at going through these things.

*trigger warning* FOO, inner child
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Confronting how terrified little me was of my mother, and joe neglectful my father was is new to me. I was terrified enough by the time I was 8 that I broke my arm at like 2a.m. And didn't wake anyone up. I was so scared of the punishment that my mom would give that I sat in pain until someone woke up on their own. That was at least 6 hours with the pain of a broken bone out of fear.

I am having to confront the physical abuse, verbal beatings, and emotional abuse that was part of me FOO.. it may sound odd, but confronting the daily sexual abuse is easier most days. Somehow being raped and hit daily (most of the time multiple times a day)by other people.. and being traded around is easier than confronting the things with my mom. The other was far more horrific by any standard but it is the abuse from my mom that is the hardest right now.

I feel like it should be easier, because of everything else that I went through...

Anyone else have these different layers? I had two very separate abuse situations, and as far as I know they didn't know about each other mostly.  I had two main sexual abusers outside of my Foo who traded me around and were very violent at times. However I was very attached and loved them both (insert grooming and gaslighting)

Then I had my abusive family, which was a different abusive situation.

Then as life went on I gained a few other abusers.. most of which weren't aware of the others. I feel like I have four or five life times of abuse to recover from because all of the different ones I endured...

[Three Roses]

I am here with you, dear E. Healing hugs to you full of warmth, compassion and safety.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Three Roses  I needed that tonight

[DecimalRocket]

Yes, I relate to the layers.

When my mom emotionally abused me, I felt intense hatred and disgust at her but I also felt a duty to love her.  To be patient around her.

It's tough really. Take care, Elpha. (Can I call you that?)

[Elphanigh]

Thank you  Also yes you can call me Elpha. I go by a lot of nicknames on here, and find it fun that I do

[sanmagic7]

dearest el,

i totally get the layers thing.  i have different scenarios with different people at various times in my life, from foo to family, to hubs, to t's, to situations, to friends, and on and on. 

the work you're doing can be beyond difficult at times, draining, exhausting, confusing, and painful.  i could guess about why you're finding this even harder working on your mom than the other stuff that's gone on - she was your primary protector who you relied on to take care of you.

the fact that she didn't, that she was explicitly involved in abusing you, is a betrayal of the utmost magnitude.  how could a mom possibly do that?  it seems to me that would be the hardest, very most difficult truth to deal with.  i'm so very sorry that happened to you.  she failed in her duty and responsibility to you.  of course that would be the hardest right now.

she betrayed a fundamental contract between a parent and a child.  basic.  intrinsic.  a core belief that you should have been able to count on.  instead, you ended up at the very opposite of the spectrum - hiding in pain and fear from her.

earth mother spirit wraps you in her voluminous skirts to embrace and comfort you through these trials of reality.  you are so brave, dearest el, so strong to have gone thru this kind of  experience and still survived with such a caring heart and sweet soul.  much love to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear San. 

It is good to know someone understands the layers. Sorry that you have gone through so much

I am also glad to hear you see the work I am doing as all of those things, it validates the things I am feeling with all of this. The exhaustion and pain that comes from this process.

Your insight with my mom is very appreciated. I think there is definitely truth to this, and it helps me understand why I am struggling with it so much right now. I have never fully felt these things, or let myself recognize the harm she did. I never let myself feel the need for a mom I didn't have, or feel the pain that comes along with having a parent that betrayed that core belief. I needed a mom and never actually had one in the ways a girl needs.

My mom could have saved me from other abuse, but she nev r did because she was busy also doing the abusing. It is a hard fact to come to terms with.

Thank you for seeing my caring heart and soul.. and the strength that it took to keep it through everything.  Love to you

Earth mother spirit is such a comfort to me, as are you my dear friend. I am so lucky to have you in my life 

[Elphanigh]

In therapy yesterday I had a realization that was difficult for both myself, and my T (she showed a little bit more in her eyes than she usually does. It wasn't bad but I could see just a glimpse)

My inner child, the ten year old version or ego state, was our main focus and has been for a few weeks. Dealing with some of her fears and self blame. There was a moment where my T asked if the little girl would have chosen differently if she was given a choice between her experience harm, and no one experience harm. Instead of the "choice" between her experiencing harm and others experiencing harm. We use the term choice very loosely obviously...

Realization came that she would have chosen to experience the hurt. That by ten I believed so fully that I deserved it, and that there was no other way that I would have continued to have been hurt rather than no one hurt at all. I was by ten so deeply lost.... I had so much self blame, hate, and just this belief that the world could never be any different for me. Seeing that little girl in so much pain and to realize that was difficult.

Now it is my job to help that little girl heal, and not feel that way anymore. It is just a realization that stuck with me

[Three Roses]

Standing with you, E.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. Having someone with me through this is so beyond helpful. I am grateful for it more than I can fully communicate

[Elphanigh]

Changed my quote it comes from something I found online, here is the entirety:

"it's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. You aren't what they did to you. You aren't the person that grew up all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. You aren't the awkwardness that came  from being stepped on and over-pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected.

You are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and time again. You are the beauty that remained, waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are the kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough.

You are exceptional- because you survived, because you beat the odds, because you are a warrior, a self taught healer, and because now you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you"

Cristen Rodgers

[Three Roses]

Really beautiful

[sanmagic7]

and there's your earth mother spirit shining outward, el.  yes, beautiful.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both  It really struck me today as something I needed to have read, and that other people could gain from as well.

San, is it odd I always get so excited when you mention my earth mother spirit coming out? Like it is a compliment of the highest order for me. It always makes me smile, and have more hope for myself when you mention that side of me is showing. I have hope that I can be that earth mother spirit much like you are