Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, it is a giant compliment for you to see the strength and good in me. You appear so strong and wonderful yourself, coming from you it means a lot. Thank you for helping be the wind beneath my wings, and such a strong believer in me. I do hope that one day all of that will truly happen. It is a goal I am trying so hard to accomplish. With help, like you are giving, I might just make it and find a life that I couldn't ever have seen as a child.

I truly am honored to be believed in and shown such kindness

[Elphanigh]

I have been reflecting since everything went south in my head on Wednesday. I have come to a calmer more understanding place for myself. Hearing nothing but kind words has helped me be kinder to myself as well, and to be calm enough to kind of analyze what happened.

Here is what I think did. I had bad nightmares and was confronted with some of the memories of hurting my sister in those nightmares. I woke up late, rushing around stressed and mildly triggered without realizing it. Because I didn't realize it, I let it fester until I was dropped into those thought about myself. In and effort to get back to a more stable state I made tea, it spilled on me and my desk at work and then I was confronted with an angry ish coworker. All of which just helped trigger the stress associated with my EF.

I tried once more over lunch to calm this, but instead I ended up late for an appointment and found out that my grandmother has been abusive. I spent my lunch calming my mom, whom I love very much, but who I recently really let myself accept was mildly abusive to me. I got sucked into that world, and the fear that I will be like my family, and like those that I was raised around.

I need to do two things. One, I need to forgive myself for the thigns I believe I did wrong. I need to believe that I am forgiven and don't need to make up for them. I need to not only logically need to be able to say it, I need to in every fiber of my being know I am forgiven. Two, I need to remember and really look at the ways I am not like my family. I have the capacity to be like them, and I need to forgive myself for the two times I even came close to being like them. I used words to very angrily tear a couple of people down because they were hurting people I cared about. I hate that image of me, I may have been defending people but I became mroe like my mom in those moments. There are elements of her I love and want to truly be but that is not one of them. I need to forgive, I need to truly believe how far I have come. I need to come to peace with what I am capable of but also see how I will never be that. That I am capable of great kindness and love. That is what I exude and what I will always be. I need to do these two things. I am working on the first in Therapy when I am truly ready again. The first EMDR session on it sent me spinning but we are more prepared now.

However, I need to decide if I am living on my own soon and I need to cope with my girlfriend moving to England. She leaves on Sunday... Neither of us are prepared. As far as living alone I have very little time to decide. It could be really healthy but it could also spiral and I am not sure which it would do.

[Blackbird]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Blackbird. I do love hugs 

[Wife#2]

Elphanigh, that's a big one! I'm sorry that your girlfriend is moving so far away!

Here are some more hugs while you sort out your best way forward:         

[Elphanigh]

It is a big one. I am apartment searching currently. Hoping a new place will be what I need. It will be hard to have her so far away but we have known for a while.

Thank you so much for the encouraging hugs! I think I have made some sound decisions on how to move forward today. It is a relief to have decided.

[Blueberry]

Elphanigh, I'm sorry too that your girlfriend is moving so far away, and I can relate since I have friends scattered around several countries and two continents. Transatlantic move and the resulting loss creates a big change.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry thank you. It will  be a huge change. I am going to try to stay positive though. This week may be a bit harder but I am determined to make the best of it  I am glad someone understands

[Elphanigh]

So my partner is leaving today.. I left her at home to go to work, but she won't be there when I get back. It is hard today to function but I am going to work and bring myself back to doing normal life things this week. I dont have therapy this week which is probably good. I am going to try to be ready to step back into actual EMDR this week.

I want to step into it again. I just need to get myself grounded before next week. We started dealing with my memories of being a monster to replace that thought and to change it. I would like to get to go back to that, now that it has been about a month.

Losing Sara to another country is going to be hard but I am going to manage

[Blackbird]

Be careful not to overwhelm yourself, with Sara moving (feeling of abandonment), and dealing with what happened to you and being able to being vocal about it, it's a lot.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, I do need to be cautious. Thankfully I have a week and my T seems to be able to sense my state of being pretty well. She sees my threshold of tolerance more than most people have ever managed. I will be careful though. Life is really overwhelming right now. I am trying to move myself, transitioning to living alone, applying for grad schools, trying to buy plane tickets etc.. I want to get to focus on recovery in the precious hours I have to do it. I will be careful these next couple of weeks though. I don't want to spiral

[Elphanigh]

I am going to list my stress here while I am on lunch break. It is a place to put this so I can move on with my day and come back to this list when I need it.

-My partner has left, so I am going home to an empty house. I won't see her for at least 3 months
-I need to apartment shop and find a place by 6/8
-I have really weird bug bit or something that looks like lyme disease and instead of being helpful the doctor sexually harassed me and made me feel like I was stupid
- I have less than 10 dollars to my name because of that visit... so if it is lyme disease I really can't afford to go in again
- I have never lived alone so I am scared because even weekends alone can be kind of difficult for me because my inability to stay safe
-My job is super busy and stressful
-I need to find the money for a plane ticket by the end of June really. Not sure how I am going to do that, I have picked up a small second job.
-My brother's meeting with the school board is today. It determines whether he can go to school next year
-My grandmother and mom are still not speaking and I need to know whether or not what happened was a one time thing
-I am finishing my mom's mothers day gift but it is hard because I have recently realized how much damage she did, and the bits of narcissistic qualities she has.
- I need to also be able to finish grad school applications and pay for them

There is more but that is enough off of my chest. My recovery is not going to be easy in this environment, I am trying to make it better

[Wife#2]

Wrapping you again in a warm, loving, affirming hug. I can't make any of that better, but I am here with you. Hoping you will keep breathing, keep hoping, keep wanting the movement forward. Hoping you want it, because I want to keep Elphanigh in my world as my friend. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Wife#2. I really can use the hug, you don't make the actual stressors better but you help make me more capable of dealing with them. The comfort brings me some peace and ability to breathe through it all. So thank you. I do want it, I am good at surviving and fighting through these sections. Sometimes I lose my desire, but it does always come back.

Thank you for wrapping me in comfort again 

[Elphanigh]

I want to keep you in my world as a friend as well. You are so kind and amazing