Out of the Storm

For anyone that is reading this, I am pretty new at this but this looks to be the place that will help me with some of the process. I am beginning EMDR because talk therapy from the last two years has really done very little to help what I have left to do. My abuse stopped ten years ago and I am really ready to be done with this. I want to be able to move forward, and finally believe I can. I have tortured myself with guilt of things I believed were my fault, or just the shame that comes with this abuse.

I am on my journey to recovery now. I want to have a good handle on this before I start graduate school,. Until college I was a straight A, and even got granted Valedictorian in high school. School was my escape from my abuse so I excelled and learned to love everything about it. When I went to college memories resurfaced more and I was faced with a decision to bury it or to actually deal with it.  I decided to work through it, that I wanted to be done. My academics suffered because it forced me back into panic attacks and regular flashbacks, my therapist was not equipped to handle my amount of trauma. So here I am out of my  undergrad and ready to properly finish this.

My current undertaking is going to be drafting a time line of my life. I think using this post to help construct that will help organize my thoughts and make it a bit easier to handle. Those post will be written as I can do them, hopefully over this weekend as I have some space to myself for a few days. I am ready to process but I can't do it all at once because the level of trauma I still feel when thinking about it

So it begins, sorry if this comes in little bits if that bothers anyone. I can only look at it for so long and stay in a good tolerance level the day after therapy. *possible trigger warning*

1994 : Birth-not traumatic for me but for my mother. Was an emergency birth because my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. They weren't sure if I would speak

1995: Broke my head open at fairgrounds because someone tripped me down concrete stairs

1996: Little sister was born

1997: Moved to Denver with my family

1998: memories of a tornado happening while I was home with my uncle and grandmother

2000: April, my brother was born and I turned 6
           June: Moved to Idaho with my family
           July: At age six my first sexual abuse began with the first friend I had made in the area. This became a daily occurence since I saw him outside and he was the only kid I truly knew there. He and I had a fake marriage, and had told me I was his Cinderella (I hate being called that even though I still look like that)
           August: Starting first grade, gaining new friends and an escape
           Late-August: Got a new babysitter that was a family friend: He began to abuse me almost daily as well.
           Still Fall: While the abuse with the friend escalated and  my memories of it are starting to grow stronger her the new abuser was also escalating. I remember multiple big trauma moments here
                    - Friend: Abuse using the game cops and robbers (this was a regular thing that continued for years)
                   -Friend: Also started to make me try to sneak looks at my dads sexual magazines
                   -Babysitter: forced to sit and watch sexual video with him while cuddling
                   - Babysitter: Learned to give my first blow job, and just normal abuse
                   - Babysitter: First time I was forced to hurt L (this became repeated for a long time as well)

Okay that's all I can do for now. I barely made it until the time I was 6...  Only another 16 years ish to go  :'(

QuoteThose post will be written as I can do them, hopefully over this weekend as I have some space to myself for a few days. I am ready to process but I can't do it all at once because the level of trauma I still feel when thinking about it

Quotesorry if this comes in little bits if that bothers anyone. I can only look at it for so long and stay in a good tolerance level the day after therapy.

That's one of the great things about this forum - you can totally move at your own pace! (We kinda encourage it,  as a matter of fact.) ;)

It's totally okay to use whatever format you need - you are not here to please others or anything but do what you need to heal.

Thank you. I am glad to hear it is okay to do both of those things. I know I apologize for everything. It's probably my inner critic speaking and seeking acceptance from others that makes me cautious and worried about others not being as comfortable with the format.. or me being weak for not being able to do it all at once.

i have been rather triggered at work today so have taken bits of time to write on here and read other's experiences. My coworkers nonchalantly talking about some domestic abuse has not helped in the last hour or so. Normally it can not bother me so much.

I was going to come back to this tonight and continue the timeline but I am feeling too triggered right now. Not s flash back but definitely anxiety and panic that easily becomes an ef or flashback... I know I have been thinking about it a lot and just started digging deep into emdr yesterday so this can be expected but it hard to be going back into these states.

It is hard starting a therapy I know intentionally balances precariously between triggered and not... talk therapy has only done so much and this is really feeling like it is the thing that might work, the one last hope for me to get "better". It is just scary. I know have have my apartment alone starting tomorrow night until late Monday. I am not used to that and worried what it might bring if I continue in this state. I also worry how it will affect work, I will see. It kept me preoccupied and not getting a lot done...

I am so ready to find some peace. It is the first time I have ever truly felt like I deserved it. That realization was a huge leap for me and I only got there about a month ago. I realized I had tortured myself for an additional ten years with it, and that was enough for things I still can't emotionally feel weren't my fault. I know logically because I know what I would and have told others but I can't feel it and accept it in my heart yet.

Trying to keep post to the three paragraphs preference here also probably will need a *trigger warning* on this one..


I blamed myself for a long time for hurting my sister, and not stopping others abuse... I was a protector and still am. It is not something I think i will ever be able to rid my personality of, which is both a curse and a positive thing. I spent years being sexually abused with the promise my sister and other loved ones would never be touched. I blamed myself when it happened because my sister was used as a bargain for stopping my own  abuse... it probably would have happened anyways but I can't get over that... and worse I can't get over the amount of times I was forced to actually do things to her by another abuser... we started to look st this in emdr with the belief I was a monster... it is going to take a long while.

I also realized with the timeline I need to do it scares me so much because there is just such a mass of trauma..it didn't end with the abuse, there was more. The abuse itself was more than anyone should have been able to handle and seem okay.. I have been told that I shouldn't be this okay.. that it would have broken and has comepletely undone some people... I tell people what's I went through and people don't believe it because on the grand scheme of things I don't appear to be that bad... I went through multiple abusers mostly sexual abuse but mixed with other physical abuse, grooming, and retained emotional abuse(both early and later in life) i did the bulk of it from the time I was six to the time I was thirteen... I don't remember much before hand...

I literally don't know life without abuse... I don't know what it is like. I get really sad at that... it also astounds people because I seem okay, I am somehow not shattered. I have done the math.. it would have happened a minimum of 1500 times and that is being really low ball..... because there were times it was more than five times a day... I should be shattered.. somehow I am here.. i can't remember every bit of it. If I did I would surely break. I remember enough, something's so vividly it is like living them today down to the smallest detail.. I have a lot of those. Then others blur because they were trends of things that happened, sections that repeated themselves etc.. trying to timeline it scares me I can placemmost of it but there is so much... it is hard to know where thingsnover lapped and where certain phases started/ended.. it is also just hard to conceive it as a whole like knowing it as one giant thing might be too much to carry....

Sorry that was long.. I should go to actually writing so I don't fill up pages here, I am just struggling tonight

I wrote that number wrong... minimum of 2200 and that is really a low ball number. That is just the number of days in the years

Write as much as you need! The three paragraph suggestion is also to make sure people read your posts. If they're too long it can discourage others from reading all of it.  :wave:

Thanks Three Roses. I will write as I need. I got up so I would stop dissociating so much... I am worried for the next four ish days. I can't truly afford therapy more than once every two weeks. I know my T is willing to work with me if I really need it with a rough week and it is payment I am worried about... I just don't want to take advantage of that and get behind either.. I think she almost expects it because it was my first real deep session since my last therapist..

There is just a lot to process and I am struggling really badly tonight to keep myself present even with my significant other being here

I am really struggling today. Sadly, it is apparently normal with EMDR at first to feel this. I know I want to process and find peace it is hard to know I have to deal with more symptoms for a while to get there. I find myself having an EF, have been since yesterday. They feel like they stick around for days. Anyways back to 2000..

*Trigger warning for the rest of this*

2000:
  Christmas time I got a puppy and was thrilled with life. However Abuser 1 decided threatening the dog was a good way to control me as well as my sister

2001:   
Spring time: This is the next major period I have any specific memories the abuse between them thankfully blurs together.
     March ish (spring break) I spend most of my week with abuser 1 and 2 because both are not at school and my parents are never  home. I remember begging to go to school and locking myself in my room to read. I even tried to get myself grounded so I would be stuck inside where only one person could hurt me
    April: I turned 7
      One of my violent memories comes from around this time. I was still in school but it was a weekend. It was the first time I  had truly been hit and beaten. I was shoved by someone about 11 years older than me into a small bathroom counter and hit repeatedly until I would be quiet as he used all his body weight to shove me violently back into the counter while raping me... I will not put more detail there as that is bad enough.
     I remember a period where I stopped fighting both of my abusers after that. I get a sense of hopelessness, and just feel darkness around me when I think about this time. I remember hurting my sister without any protest at this time

Summer: I grew some of my fight back after abuser one was with me more often and bought me ice crem and snow cones etc.. I remember a lot of words from this time from both of them. Abuser one was telling me I was worth everything and was his favorite. To make up for what was said when he beat me
Abuser two however was dragging me down. I fought too much, he started threatening my sister and friends more. Also told me I should get used to it, it was what i deserved. It was my fault that I had to be cleansed and taken care of... I hoped for nothing but the school year to come, and did get myself grounded a time or two in hopes it would less my abuse but realized then my sister would be alone

Will start the school year later. This is enough for now

I froze yesterday, and had a panic attack for three hours. I was full of fear and uncertainty. Today is a better and a new day. I made it through so I must be strong enough to handle this process. Recovery is hard, I knew that going into the more intense part, I just hadn't let myself feel that much in a long time. It is good to not be numb anymore so I can truly heal. I also remembered something and I don't know if it is true. I will talk to my T about it when I see her on the 24th but for not I will put it here and try not to judge it or worry too much about it.

My first abuser has always been a dark figure to me. I put a face and name to that dark figure in a memory yesterday. I have had the memory of the abuse all of my life, but not a real person to connect it to. I connected it to a woman, which was a surprise in the first place. The second surprise is it was one I worshiped and have many good memories with, but I realize I had described some of those good memories as ones I had had with the dark figure before.. I am not sure if it is true, but everything I can logically find, and pictures and facebook all suggest it is true. The only thing better would to ask my parents if there was ever a male, but I can't do that. So I must for now let it develop and not judge. To discuss it with my T when I see her. To try to not feel like it is breaking my heart so much.. I loved that girl in the way only a child can..

Elphanigh--
I've just read your journal. I am so sorry for the horrible things that you had to go through. Words can't express it...
you are so strong and brave to write through your experience.
I wish I had something worthwhile to say to you, but I just want you to know that I care about you, and I know you can heal eventually. I'm listening. I support you. I truly care about you.
:hug:

Thank you Joyful. I appreciate all of the support and belief you have. You don't have to have words to describe it, I can understand without them. I appreciate it. There will be more to read of my story later. I have just begun sadly. That timeline is incomplete and still only until I was 7. I will probably do more today.

*trigger warning*

Not sure if I will need that warning but I might...The more I have thought about the woman that came up in my memory yesterday, and the more fishing I do... the more it seems like it is correct. I talked to my sister who only remembers having her, she doesn't remember there being a male. I can't find any pictures or mention of the him I thought existed in that dark figure. I hate that I can't go to my parents, but when I needed them they abandoned me. They know that I was touched once, and that is all. Even with that information when they found out my mom left the dark room, closed the door, and didn't come back for me. No one came for me. I  had to help myself again like i did all of my childhood. the only time it got mentioned was in derogatory or joking terms that forced me to believe more that I was bad and at fault. The only person that was old enough at the time to give me a full answer on this and I can't trust them. She yelled at me for a panic attack in high school and blamed me for causing it myself... basically locked me up in the house for a month afterwards... I can't know fully who abused me because my family was cruel and I can't open myself for more of that. I have experienced very few people that have been kind to me in my life, especially with this. I cant risk to experience more trauma, which means I can never actually know

*trigger warning* my timeline continued, left of before the school year of 2nd grade

Fall: My mom started having really bad heart problems and was on enough meds she wasn't really around. I saw her pass out from mini strokes a few times around this time. It was terrifying to watch and be in charge of as a kid.
     Both of my abusers continued in their routines. I started getting more gifts and compliments from both of them. Abuser one allowed me to cook and be the big helper all the time, abuser two was nice to me still, telling me we were still married and that he would take care of me. I don't have a lot of specifics because I have suffered so much a lot of it is a blur of anxiety and hurt, I know trends but it isn't like I remember every time I was hurt

Winter: I remember abuser two forcing me to lay in the snow with my clothes off repeatedly. Causing a lot of pain because the cold would get to the point it hurt. I wasn't allowed to cry or we would never be together... he would tell my parents how I had been bad..

Abuser one began to more regularly watch porn with me around. I was forced to replicate some things in order to not get treated worse. I still remembered being beaten. I got slapped several times in this time frame because I wasn't always cooperating. Somehow I still had some fight in me

2002: (I have made it through 5 years)

Spring: as spring gets warmer and I am getting older I am alone with Abuser 2 a lot more. This is when things started to escalate to being raped 5 or more times a day... i remember a lot of times being shoved against walls, or sides of the car where people couldn't see. biting my hand or shirt to stop from crying or screaming out.. he had started to get rougher and had no softness to his motions anymore. He still talked like he did but I was so far gone that he could be rough and actually hurt my body and I wouldn't say anything. I got cuts on my knees from being pushed onto concrete and forced to orally please him... or if I was being too much of a "girl" about it.... Oh I turned 8 in there somewhere

Summer: If spring was bad this summer was worse. Growing up without much technology meant being outside a lot. I had met some other friends at this point but Abuser 2 was always around. Abuser 1 was normally the one watching us during the week so I was never free.
This bit gets blurrier, I think for my own protection.. but it was a bad time of both abusers having gotten rougher with me... and both of them threatening my sister. I really gained the knowledge it was my fault because I was bad and terrible so I was only good for this. That my sister was pure and good, and I should make sure that I did everything to keep her that way. That in some way it was I that was responsible for her well being. I was and always have been protective of her so this was extremely effective

Towards the end of this summer marks 2 years of being abused. something wonderful happened (at the time I didn't feel that way). Abuser 1 disappeared. I remember something about that person getting caught with what I now know as porn tapes in my parents room. They did not find out that this person hurt me and certainly not to the extent but this person disappeared from my life. I was truly attached and realized I felt lost at this point because I had lost a person that seemed to adore me. this is where I really think that the person I saw in my head yesterday is right.. I am describing it neutrally until I am sure

Starting with third grade it gets even more difficult, it is still blurry in large gaps,  but it is the ones I specifically remember that get worse.. Will do that later. If you have read all or any of this I thank you.

Okay guys, if you are or do read this thank you. I have meditated and I am in a place I can start the next chunk of that time line. Bear with me as I go through this project. I have an easier time typing it and will eventually write a clean version out for myself. *big trigger warning*

A memory I forgot from the school year 2000, first grade.. I was traumatized by my teacher who punished me for being too smart.. I became so afraid of her that I refused to ask to go to the bathroom and instead a few times did lose that control in class. I don't like admitting it. I know it was wrapped into the rest of my trauma but it is embarising still. Now back to third grade..

2002 continued...

August: school starts, at this point it is fully my escape. I this early part throw small rocks at a kid and bruise his face... I did it because a friend of mine had been bullied for years by him, and he had finally hurt someone enough.. I wanted to protect everyone..
my parents also decided I was old enough to get my sister and I home every day by ourselves until they got off work. Problem is they trusted the older friend in the neighbor hood to ensure we made it home..guess what that's abuser two who has been abusing me for over two years now.
I tended to get isolated from my sister in varying ways and taken where I would get raped sometimes more than once before my parents got home, and was expected to be okay. It was how he cleansed me and made me the beautiful girl he knew.

September: I broke my collar bone in the middle of the night falling off of my bunk bed because of a nightmare. My parents woke up, told them my head hurt and I laid back down for six Hours in pain because I didn't want to wake anyone.
Despite the broken arm I remember seeing abuser two pretty daily, ha in a broken arm I was "useless" so he tended to be more cruel at this time, and then pretend to heal my arm afterwards.

October: a fourth grader I new at my school died. This was my first large loss in life. I stopped fighting my abuse, I remember just a sense of complete brokenness here...

Winter time: as my arm healed I got to going back to things as a kid I loved. The snow came again and sledding and joyful things, that thankfully I can remember in a good light occurred.
When my abuser was around all of that always changed. I used otmle him, now he was cruel, manipulative, and wanted to hurt everyone I liked... but I was still attached, I still cared because everything he gave me and Madelyn me believe.. I am realizing it's not my fault I believed.. slowly realizing. Winter time abuse is hard in my head because the cold added a level of pain.. he would make a point to shove snow next to every part of me to make it worse and see how long I could be quiet.

2003:

Spring: I remember finally being able to do the monkey bars again. I wanted to give anyone reading a positive note here.

I turned 9 almost made it to double digits and 3 years of abuse.

This ones hard.. I walked home with my sister and abuser for whatever reason.. he insisted we take a short cut through the very tall cornfield at this point... I protested more than I had in a long time.. but my sister.. not knowing insisted we did...I won't do full detail here. I have only once aloud done this one in full detail.. we walked until we hit a tree by the canal, this canal was not yet flowing, some of them don't in drought years... it was windy and warm but the tree was overwhelmingly large (it still is) he pushed me until I was either going to fall back onto the rocks in it.. or was was going to climb down. Which I did. He raped me in front of my sister while I screamed for her to go away and run home...all I cared about was he... he then bargained.. my sisters innocence once and he would never touch us again... I protested but eventually gave in... I watched him rape my sister starting screaming at him and taking it back...

I resorted to telling her repeatedly that it would be okay... that she would be okay, that she shouldn't be scared because I was there.... that it would be over soon... I can see the fear and the tears... I can hear her scream.. and feel all of the guilt that I have never fully let go of not with this and not when I was forced to hurt her when I was six.. bet you can guess he didn't keep his promise.. if anything the abuse got worse

These are long and difficult I apologize. It is one of those times where I need to get things out. Read in chunks if you are reading this.. and please take care of yourself as I dive back in.

*trigger warning*

The spring continued with my abuser angry at me that I yelled and tried to make him stop. Anger was newer for this abuser.. I saw it from my first one, but this one was always calmer. That ended. He made a point to make it hurt more to make it last longer... and to do it more often..

Summer: same bits of that continued. Increasing in severity.. he would hit me or push me if I made a noise. In between being raped though.. he acted so sweet to me.. no one saw anything wrong

This is the year he started sharing me with his friends... we were allowed to travel farther from the house in the summer because I was older and could make sure I was home on time... we would go several blocks down to his friends house, while my sister played with one the the abusers sisters I was behind the house in a almost perfectly hidden spot with anywhere from two to what I remember as 8 ish people... I will let you all fill in the blank there. I can't right now. Except to add the people changed sometimes, and that it happened pretty regularly. Not daily like the other abuse I was suffering from him  but regularly

That makes it through third grade.. I get a break and some food. Self care for a bit

I took the day off to spend with a friend, for some much needed recovery time. However, through talking through her I realized how much my family helped cause my guilt and me probably ultimately developing cptsd. I would have developed it either way I think, but maybe dealt with it sooner, or had less guilt. This comes from my mother especially... I love her and realizing how much harm she has actually done to my ability to heal and to find self worth is really hard.

I had a good home life, they gave me food and clothes and love. However the more I look back I see the problems as bigger than I used to. I think I minimized it like I did my actual abuse. I minimized having to be the safe keeper of my siblings when my parents have hours of screaming matches, my dad put his fist through a door a few times... when the only thing my mom ever found out about my abuse (she knows so little it couldnt even keep the man from seeing me) she left me in a dark room crying and no one came back for me... I was 7 and was abused for abour 5 mores years.... when I was shamed for being shy about changing, and mocked for it.. when I had nightmares and was told just to breathe and grow up.... when I was tickled in a loving way but asked them to stop and they didn't take me seriously.. not once... when I was shamed for being too skinny but was eating everything I could and gaining no weight... when I started to truly show signs of my cptsd, my mom was a psych nurse...

she screamed at me and locked me away, prohibiting me to see anyone and made me write an eating journal because I had a flashback and to them it looked like a horrible anxiety attack that if I just thought about it I could stop... I ended up in the hospital with IV medicine to calm me down because I had so little function... instead of care I was screamed at and forced farther down... she and my families reaction to that drove me to have a suicide note and almost try it.. one friend saved me.. the only time they mention anything about again what little they know it's about the "*" how he could have tricked anyone... and how he was ugly and no one could possible fall for it.... I was still being abused by him... to this day I am trying to figure out how to take my meds when I see my family this summer... because they can't know... I can't be anything but perfect... (I am on a small dose of one to help me not have nightmares, as well as a depression med that is just in general to mellow my symptoms out a bit.. it doesn't do much but it makes a bit more possible) let alone if they knew I was in therapy for anything... my family will never be a source of support and inrealize has retraumatized me in many ways

Sorry that was a much needed rant

Still sitting with you, Elphanigh. Still reading and sending support  :hug:

Thank you, Joyful. It is good to know someone is reading and sitting through this with me. I truly appreciate it

Timeline Continued *triger warning* just in case

For the rest of 2003 I don't remember much but blurs of being shared among his friends and unkind words and threats. Really this is what I remember from 2003 to 2005. There are little specific things that come up when I really search but I hear words and feel the emotions more than I can describe specific things done to me during that time.

In summer of 2003, I found out my abuser was also molesting his younger cousin. She moved shortly thereafter. I felt like a failure because I had not protected her. I had now failed two people.

In 2004 summer time  I found out he had tried to hurt two of my best friends but they managed to get away. I was never so lucky. He also started taking me to a different irrigation canal that I found out was hidden all the way at the back of our neighbor hood. It was dirty and full of bugs/ rocks. I developed severe nightmares of these bugs.. even more than I had previously (I had severe nightmares starting as early as I can remember, probably stemming from trauma)

In I believe 2005 I lost one of my aunts to cancer (this is my second loss)
In the summer of 2005 I was "saved". My abuser made the mistake of trying to fondle an older girl in the neighborhood. At this time I was 12, she was at least 14.. and I  had been conditioned for 6 years. This marked just about 6 years of abuse to the tee.
When the parents found out they started asking their individual kids that were around him if anything had happened. I did say yes, but that he had just done the equivalent of make out with me and put his hand in my shirt. I was so convinced someone would be mad at me... and would hurt him that I never told the truth. My mom left me crying in her dark bedroom and never came back for me.. no one did. I had barely finished 5th grade and I was shown that everyone would run from it, and made to think even worse of myself when I was abandoned in that moment, and all of the following years. The abuse had stopped but my abuser was still around, I still saw him and was never safe at home..
I remember having to sit in a cold poorly lit room with a male officer that did his best to scare me having to describe what I told my parents. I also saw what i now know to be a child therapist who asked me to do the same and to see if I wanted help with it... I got a teddy bear and promptly told them that nothing more had happened and I didn't need help. I was fine
My family ignored it and life went on as if nothing had happened.

Fall of 2005 I started 6th grade in a new school

done for now. I hate that I have such a large blurry gap in my memory. I don't have many specifics to prove the abuse was occurring other than the gap in memory being a sign, and just all the emotional and body feelings I get when thinking about those years. My brain I think was finally at a point it could handle no more or I wouldn't survive

Today is a better day. I thought I would post some good in among all the pain I have been posting in this journal. I need to remember the good days are part of my journey and why I can still have hope. Today is a better day because I can breathe, I can not be as consumed with my sadness as I have been. I have found some serious hope in watching the Youtube videos on Trauma Recovery University, and actually reached out enough o watch the live stream yesterday. That was big step for me, as it is not something I am good at doing. Reaching out is hard but I have had so much kindness from people I have never met within the last week that got me through a really terrible 5 days, and I am here able to remember why I survived and why I fight so hard to keep hoping.

I need to remember the good in my story as well, so I am writing it today to be able to hope it helps someone here sees some positives or gain some hope. As well as for myself to read on bad days.

 :bighug:

Thank you. The hug is much appreciated. Here is one for you as well  :bighug:

It always takes me a while after a rough streak to fully admit what is going on. Here is what I realize is happening (there may be more)

I am afraid of many things:
-not ever getting well, I know it will never be perfect.. but I am afraid I will never be comfortable
- afraid of living alone in three week. I am losing my roommate and my significant other.. I love her but we have to split on a very unique circumstance. I am afraid of being alone
-of no one ever accepting my truth fully
- of being too much for anyone
- of needing a partner that is nurturing and not finding one
-of not being able to accept my full truth as I am remembering more
- afraid of being swallowed by it

I am also hopeful now that I have cried finally. I am hopeful:
-that I will get better
- that I can do my career as well as my recovery
- that I don't have to choose between them in my life
- my chances of leading a full rewarding life are not completely gone
- that I will find the nurture I need in a partner that also challenges me and compliments what I bring to the table
- that I will be able to trust my own judgement
- that I will be able to feel safe

I haven't posted in here in a while. I have been copying over some of my timeline for my therapist to see. I want to try to do it the way we need to do it for EMDR. I told her I wanted to try again. I have been doing better writing it out on my own. I have had time to realize why I am scared to do it and I want to get over that fear. It won't be easy but I am determined to get a start on it in my session today. I have about two hours to go before I attempt it. I am a bit reflective but ready to try. I trust her, and if this is going to work she has to be able to handle the truth of what has happened to me as a whole as do I.

Reasons I am afraid:
- I am afraid at how much there is.. abuse for 6 years daily and sometimes more really adds up. It is hard to put in perspective
- I am afraid because I have never done it
-I am afraid because I have never let someone know everything that happened to me
-I am scared my truth will swallow me whole, that I might drown in it
-I am scared because those 6 years of abuse aren't the only years I suffered abuse of some sort in my life.
-I am scared to remember more than what I already do.

Reasons to go forward:
-My truth deserves a voice
-I deserve to know that someone can handle it all
-I deserve to not have to be alone with it
- It will help me heal and lead a life I want to

Your truth DOES deserve a voice, Elphanigh. I really hope that EMDR is helpful for you and can bring some relief
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you Joyful. I have come to believe it does very slowly in my life. I am truly hopeful EMDR is what will help me, talk therapy hasn't ever been truly effective.  :hug: :hug:

I had a good therapy session on Monday. More prep for EMDR and a bit more elaboration on some things. My T read some of the timeline I have been working on. She got a better understanding of how continuous my abuse was. In our earlier meetings she had not fully gotten a good concept of just how bad it was. She apologized for jumping in too quickly, and assures me there is a way to go in slowly. She want's me to add good memories to the timeline, as well as to have it finished if I can by the 8th, which is when I see her next. I am nervous to do so but pretty sure I can manage it. I am learning to spend some more time on proper self care.

I found a better safe place to picture for my coping skills. I got a bit better grip on a really old memory. The only one I really have that exists before my abuse began. I really didn't know I had much of one. We are working on trying to cultivate that and to be able to take the feeling of safety that I felt there. It was before I felt unsafe in my world, and since hen I have not had that in my life. Feeling safe is terrifying but I am trying hard to figure out how to let myself feel it.

I haven't written here in a while, but it is time that I do. This last week or so has been truly difficult, but also filled with some good. I am determined this stay my recovery journal for my abuser more specifically though. I have one for other things in my life that are not as connected until I find them to be at which point they move more into both.

I am starting to do more greiving for little me as I am creating a more full, detailed, and formal timeline. It is far to long to post here at this point. I am working on it in a word document so I can give it to my T to read before Monday. I don't think I could sit and watch her read it all. Letting her read the small working I had going was hard enough. I am trying to let myself grieve what I didn't have. I was never given the chance to be normal, to lead a normal life. Before I was 7 I didn't feel safe anywhere... I didn't believe I could be. I have cried today for part of me. I wish I could tell her it turns out better... I wish I could hold her and let her feel the warmth she so wanted... I crave that comfort right now, I am not dissociated (which I am getting better at, I have tested much better recently and noticed a change) but I want the same kind of warmth and kindness I wish was given to me then. The kind that maybe would have saved me, but never did.

Quote from: Elphanigh on May 02, 2017, 12:25:23 AM
I am trying to let myself grieve ...

Better to let it arise spontaneously. Like this:

QuoteI have cried today for part of me. I wish I could tell her it turns out better... I wish I could hold her and let her feel the warmth she so wanted... I crave that comfort right now

You can give it to yourself. Picture toddler Elphanigh standing in front of you with tears rolling down her little face. Pick her up and cuddle her. Tell her you're sorry you weren't around to protect her back then, but that you'll always look after her now. Then ask her what she feels like doing: painting a picture, playing with modelling clay or taking a nap with her favourite dolly.

Might sound weird to you, but having an idealised Internal Mother on board can make a big difference to recovery.

Thank you Candid. I will try that. Cuddled in a nice warm blanket for a while yesterda, seemed to help some.

I have been slwoly writing out my timeline. Life has really taken over this week, so I don't think I will have it finished in time for Monday but I intend to do soem writing on in earlier in the day this weekend to see what I can get done. It has bee a process for me to really dig through it. I realize sometimes how many holes I have in my memory.

It is hard not knowing, but at the same time I find myself thinking that if I do ever remember all of it that it could crush me. I was abused in and out of my house from the time I was 6 to the time I was 12. I spent 6 years in abuse that normally happened multiple times a day with multiple abusers. I was told how loved I was, when that stopped working threats happened and the tore apart what I thought of myself. I remember patterns in the holes that I have.. I do have many graphic and specific memories but they tend to be ones that broke the usual pattern of abuse, or the first time that a particular thing happened to me. I was abuse by people I cared for, and then shared with others I didn't know. I watched people get hurt and felt responsible.. If I truly remembered everything... it might crush me but I hate having these gaps. Not only is the bad blurry, but so is the good. It is all just a blur sometimes.. because every good place I had was tainted with abuse so my brain didn't section off well I guess so it all gets lost...

My parents were never around, and when they were they fought. I didn't realize this until truly writing through everything.. maybe that contributed. It certainly helped it happen. I have a lot to heal from.. including traumas that happened (the most recent was 2 years ago)... Sometimes I wonder if it is even possible. I have yet to tell someone everything I remember. I am working on that for my current T but it will be a first when  I am finally done.

Okay, I am just going to get this out of my own brain and into words. I don't believe there to be anything triggering in here.

I have a lot on my plate right now, and I just need the ability to worry about it and wish that all I had to do was to try to heal but life is never that simple.
1. Creating a timeline is a lot more energy than I expected it to be. I should be done by now but it is truly hard to focus on getting it done with the rest of life going on.
2. I have to find a place to live in before my lease is done in a month
3. I need to find a weekend job if I stand a chance of being at my friends wedding in August and paying the rest of my school tuition off so I can got to grad school in a year and a half.
4. I need to find said grad school.. I need to write a 20 page research paper for it, and start apply, also just to find the time to study for the GRE.
5. I need to heal from my past. I want to have a better experience in grad school than I did in my undergrad and I really believe I need to have some more of this healed to do so. I want to be healthy I really do. It is just hard to focus on it when I do also still want to be living my life.
6. My significant other is moving to the UK. She leaves Kansas City on Sunday, and then flies out the 22nd. I may not see her after Sunday until August or later. It is hard to have her so far away from me, and to be living alone even if just for like three weeks.
7. Finances.. things are expensive like tuition and student loans, and therapy.. I can't pay for weekly therapy and my insurance won't cover it.. so I am doing bi weekly and ever struggling to keep up with that. I wish there was nothign hampering my already difficult recovery. I have been to * and back so many times in my life. Sometimes I just wish for a little bit of peace... I have a hard time beleiving I will ever have any.. that I even really deserve any sometimes. I grew up without it so maybe it will never happen for me.  I have one vague memory before the abuse started so I don't know anything else really.. Maybe I am not capable of having true peace in my life because I have never known it.. maybe I can;t create it. I hate the idea of fighting forever though. It is  exhausting,

I have found myself thinking that if it weren't for my abuse... if someone had seen it and cared... maybe just maybe I would be different. I could have developed some talents further. As it was I was great in school and excelled at most things I did.. but maybe college would  have gone better. Maybe I could have withstood the bit of torture that was a music degree and still be a performer.. If I had been better equipped with skills that I am lacking because of it.. There's a lot of things it has affected that I wish it hadn't. I have a lot of what ifs and sadness for things that I never got to have and things I may never get to have.

Sorry for the long post, I just have a lot going on and my emotions can't stay level. I am overly sensitive to things and I know that. I feel much deeper than most people around me. I also suck in everyone's emotions around me.. It is just a lot to handle at t he moment and I am trying to be wise and strong. I just get tired.

 :hug:

Thank you Three Roses.  :hug: A hug, even the virtual kind, sounds like the best thing in the world right now.

I am going to post in here as I am getting nervous for my EMDR session. I am not sure what to expect. We took a step back for a couple of weeks. I think we will dive in more today, but am nervous about it. Working on my timeline last night has just brought more into perspective for me. I am in a bit of pain over it all, which I guess is the greatest time to go into therapy. I just.. I guess I am worried I will be too much. I have been too much for many people to handle in my life and I ahve never told anyone as much as what is on that timeline. I always was careful to spread out who I talked to when I needed to talk. I may only have that timeline done to the time I started 6th grade but it is more than I have let someone see all at once.

I can tell someone I was abused repeatedly on a daily basis for most of my childhood.. but until they hear more details and more specific memories that is always just a vague description. It doesn't tend to get much understanding. It is hard for me to accept let alone have others accept as truth. I had everything from emotional abusive, and slightly neglectful parents to being abused by multiple people at a time... to watching other people be abused... I have had a great variety that has led to my Cptsd. It is not a true diagnosis for me but I read it and I know for sure that is in fact what it is. Nothing has ever made this much sense,. I am scared I am not repairable.. That I will just scare people.

Hopefully I haven't any of you. I am trying to fix this as early in my life as I can. It doesn't come without it's challenges. I will be working 60 hours a week and barely scarping by to help sustain it and normal life things. But  I want to heal... I have to try., It is just terrifying to let anyone know that much of me... I fear no one will be able to handle it. I can't so why should I expect anyone else to?

You haven't even come a little close to scaring me.  :wave:

Thank you so much Three Roses. I am truly glad of that. I have put a fair share in this journal. I am glad my truth hasn't no scaled you. It is a comfort to know that

Today is not so bad. I still want to write because the up and down is part of my journey right now. I have a lot of back and forth in my life currently, the roller coaster is tiring but is where I am at right now. I have to remember it is okay to be at this point again. This is a second round of really trying to recover so it is to be expected I guess.

I need to work on being able to focus through it both for work, and for my ability to get projects that are more personal to me done. I want to be able to sustain some sort of life while recovering. The world, doesn't stop, and I don't want to either. So here I am attempting to do it all. I am going about it a healthier way than  I used to but I am still trying. I give myself more freedom to know when I have to pause which has been an improvement in this journey that I want to give myself credit for. I don't often give credit to myself or see the progress so I want to note that for myself today. So when I reread all of this I can know that I have made it somewhere in my recovery, even on bad days.

Today is not my day but I am going to make the best of it and hope to turn it into something great. I have realized a goal I have because of it so that is good. I want to learn to not react to all stress so intensely. I know my body is hard wired to feel so much more, and to react with much more if a fight or flight response just naturally because that is how I learned that stress functioned. But with the stress this morning it was necessary or effective. I want to be able to control that reaction better.

For now I am learning to calm myself after I react that way, which is an improvement just not the ultimate goal.

I spent a long time last night talking to my partner about how I was feeling, and about just my abuse in general. How I still feel like I am broken, and something to be fixed. She has never seen me as broken and I am so grateful for that. I need to see myself not as broken, she helps. I jsut feel like I am sometimes, because I'm not normal. I forget that it I do function and that it is not broken as much as just an injury I can heal and learn to live in better conjunction with. As she said, I'm not broken: I have just had some terrible things done to me. That doesn't make me broken or in need of fixing.

Now I just need to believe it. I think my guilt still feeds into it. Feeling responsible for some people that got hurt or that I feel like I hurt myself feeds my feeling broken I think. I saw people raped.. and was forced to molest my own sister when I was really young. She doesn't remember but I do... and I will never forget it.  I thin until I can come to piece fully with that I will never truly believe that I am not broken.

When I remember that I feel as bad as my abusers. I feel like a monster as I discovered in my emdr session. My deepest belief that I tried to bury is that I am a monster that hurt someone and deserves every bit of it that I got.. that all the times I got hurt are because I hurt someone else.. and failed to protect people in other circumstances. I feel responsible and just as bad as any of the multiple abusers I had. Honestly I have no idea just how many there were but this belief puts me on the same level of all of them... I am a monster in this sense. I did it for a year or so off and on... as it was requested of me. Eventually without even trying to fight it. I stopped fighting and became a monster before I even got the chance to turned 7 and that only became worse in my life. There is such a large chunk of myself that believes I am a monster.

This forum is becoming a bit of my life line at work today. It is the one outlet I have access to. It has been a super triggering day..

I got another one added to it, that is admittedly making my thoughts about being a monster worse. I talked to my mom who was struggling with something so I asked her what was going on (my mom was not one of my major abusers, she definitely did some damage but she did a lot of good as well) Come to find out my grandmother got to violent yesterday and has a history of it ( I knew my uncle did, and that my mom was very mildly abusive). My mom apparently stepped in to get her to calm down because she had left a mark on one of my younger cousins (who lives with them). That got her grabbed by the arms and then threatened by my grandmother to beat the * out of her... So my mom and grandma didn't escalate further as my mother left after ensuring Ashley was fine, so my mom wouldnt get hit.

As I am consoling my mom about this I am already triggered with the I am a monster thoughts from earlier... seeing my genetics being so abusive was not helpful. I know my grandmother to be nothing but sweet, she was so good to me as a kid. Never ever touched me... I had heard some mild stories of my mom growing up but not enough to know that she could be legitimately abusive.. so it is in my genetics somewhere.... I swear never to be like that but I hate that it is even possible...

I know I have the ability to be raging angry... I never allow myself anger because of it. I know better and know how to control it. I know to walk away and to just cool off so I will never be that. But pinned into a situation if I wanted to I could verbally tear someone apart... I never will but knowing just how deeply in my genetics that is does not help...

Elphanigh, it sounds as if you've already broken the cycle for yourself. With help from your mother, who is breaking the cycle as best as she can, you have learned valuable lessons.

I do agree that you are not a 'broken' person, but an injured person. Therapy, this forum, your own work on your own time, these are the bandages and braces you need to repair that injury. Because it's a complex injury, it takes quite a few healing methods and rehabilitation over a long period of time.

The genetics honestly aren't a factor in injuries. In 'nature' vs. 'nurture', these injuries happened at the hands of flawed 'nurturers' not flawed genetics.

The acting out your grandmother does, that is on her. Whether she was trained for it in her youth doesn't matter so much now. She could have sought healing from her injuries. Because she didn't, she's responsible for how she is now.

Your mother made a different set of decisions. She did try to work on herself, find better methods for coping. She is better recovered from her injuries.

You have made an even better set of decisions. You are working intensively on yourself. Your recovery is very likely to be even more complete.

No monsters. Not even grandmother. She's a walking injury that acts outward to express her pain. Your mother is a partially healed injury, aware that acting out is fruitless and likely to reinjure herself and injure others. It still may happen sometimes, but she's working to overcome and find better ways.

This is the best one can hope for. That you've suffered the abuse and made the conscious decision to let it end with you. You can't go back in time and help Mom or Grandmother with their injuries or how they deal with them. You can only mend yourself.

Though letting your Mom know you're proud of her for de-escalating things with Grandmother could be a great Mother's Day present for her!

Thank you Wife#2. I appreciate the wise words. I did let me mom know how glad I was that she had stopped it, and that I know how hard that could have been for her. I have a great deal of compassion for her because she does try. She didn't so much when I was a kid, but she certainly does now.

Hearing them as various degrees of healed helps. Neither of them to the best of my knowledge endure abuse like mine but had some small bits in their childhood which is enough to affect anyone.

I am truly trying to break that cycle. I don't want to be what I grew up knowing. I have seen better, and know what it is like for people that grow up with it different, at least from some level of hearing about it. I don't want to be what happened to me, or what I grew up around. I think having not forgiven myself is a big part of why yesterday happened. It used to be a constant bit of self talk I had but it isn't anymore. It exists but I don't often feel like it is entirely true. Yesterday, I did feel like it was... I felt like I do all this fighting for nothing. Just to be shown I really don't stand a chance of being different I guess.

I didn't grow up with good examples of love and healthy family dynamics. I wasn't fully aware of this until about a month ago. I had never really looked at my childhood outside of my sexual abusers, so learning by really looking at how I grew up and what my house was like opens some really interesting and difficult doors for me. Healing is definitely a process and I am starting early in my life thankfully. When I think about that sometimes it gives me some more hope for myself.

I have huge ideas for what I want to do with my life, and what I want to accomplish. It's why I am putting myself through all of this right now in the first place. I want to go to grad school in a healthier state so I can truly show people what I am capable of. I know I have it in me but I need to be somewhere I am at peace enough to show everyone else.. for the stress of school not to send me spiraling. I have hope but I also have a lot of fear. Not knowing if I am strong enough, or whether or not I contain enough good to heal.

You have strength, I've seen it. More, even than that, I've seen the good in you. The generous, loving, kind heart. The willing, even when scared, student of yourself.

I've had people in my life be the wind beneath my wings (S3 sister, B1 brother, best friends). This is one blessing I'd like to pay forward.

I believe in you. I believe in your capacity to heal and grow. I certainly have faith in you that, when you are ready, you will conquer those few remaining fears and accomplish that dream. You can do this, at your pace as you are ready. You're already an amazing woman. I know that one day, I will stand in awe of the person you have chosen, and worked, to become.

Wife#2, it is a giant compliment for you to see the strength and good in me. You appear so strong and wonderful yourself, coming from you it means a lot. Thank you for helping be the wind beneath my wings, and such a strong believer in me. I do hope that one day all of that will truly happen. It is a goal I am trying so hard to accomplish. With help, like you are giving, I might just make it and find a life that I couldn't ever have seen as a child.

I truly am honored to be believed in and shown such kindness

I have been reflecting since everything went south in my head on Wednesday. I have come to a calmer more understanding place for myself. Hearing nothing but kind words has helped me be kinder to myself as well, and to be calm enough to kind of analyze what happened.

Here is what I think did. I had bad nightmares and was confronted with some of the memories of hurting my sister in those nightmares. I woke up late, rushing around stressed and mildly triggered without realizing it. Because I didn't realize it, I let it fester until I was dropped into those thought about myself. In and effort to get back to a more stable state I made tea, it spilled on me and my desk at work and then I was confronted with an angry ish coworker. All of which just helped trigger the stress associated with my EF.

I tried once more over lunch to calm this, but instead I ended up late for an appointment and found out that my grandmother has been abusive. I spent my lunch calming my mom, whom I love very much, but who I recently really let myself accept was mildly abusive to me. I got sucked into that world, and the fear that I will be like my family, and like those that I was raised around.

I need to do two things. One, I need to forgive myself for the thigns I believe I did wrong. I need to believe that I am forgiven and don't need to make up for them. I need to not only logically need to be able to say it, I need to in every fiber of my being know I am forgiven. Two, I need to remember and really look at the ways I am not like my family. I have the capacity to be like them, and I need to forgive myself for the two times I even came close to being like them. I used words to very angrily tear a couple of people down because they were hurting people I cared about. I hate that image of me, I may have been defending people but I became mroe like my mom in those moments. There are elements of her I love and want to truly be but that is not one of them. I need to forgive, I need to truly believe how far I have come. I need to come to peace with what I am capable of but also see how I will never be that. That I am capable of great kindness and love. That is what I exude and what I will always be. I need to do these two things. I am working on the first in Therapy when I am truly ready again. The first EMDR session on it sent me spinning but we are more prepared now.

However, I need to decide if I am living on my own soon and I need to cope with my girlfriend moving to England. She leaves on Sunday... Neither of us are prepared. As far as living alone I have very little time to decide. It could be really healthy but it could also spiral and I am not sure which it would do.

 :bighug:

Thank you Blackbird. I do love hugs  :bighug:

Elphanigh, that's a big one! I'm sorry that your girlfriend is moving so far away!

Here are some more hugs while you sort out your best way forward:  :hug:  :hug:  :bighug:  :hug:  :hug:

It is a big one. I am apartment searching currently. Hoping a new place will be what I need. It will be hard to have her so far away but we have known for a while.

Thank you so much for the encouraging hugs! I think I have made some sound decisions on how to move forward today. It is a relief to have decided. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Elphanigh, I'm sorry too that your girlfriend is moving so far away, and I can relate since I have friends scattered around several countries and two continents. Transatlantic move and the resulting loss creates a big change.
:bighug:

Blueberry thank you. It will  be a huge change. I am going to try to stay positive though. This week may be a bit harder but I am determined to make the best of it  :hug: :hug: I am glad someone understands :bighug:

So my partner is leaving today.. I left her at home to go to work, but she won't be there when I get back. It is hard today to function but I am going to work and bring myself back to doing normal life things this week. I dont have therapy this week which is probably good. I am going to try to be ready to step back into actual EMDR this week.

I want to step into it again. I just need to get myself grounded before next week. We started dealing with my memories of being a monster to replace that thought and to change it. I would like to get to go back to that, now that it has been about a month.

Losing Sara to another country is going to be hard but I am going to manage

Be careful not to overwhelm yourself, with Sara moving (feeling of abandonment), and dealing with what happened to you and being able to being vocal about it, it's a lot.
:hug:

Thank you, I do need to be cautious. Thankfully I have a week and my T seems to be able to sense my state of being pretty well. She sees my threshold of tolerance more than most people have ever managed. I will be careful though. Life is really overwhelming right now. I am trying to move myself, transitioning to living alone, applying for grad schools, trying to buy plane tickets etc.. I want to get to focus on recovery in the precious hours I have to do it. I will be careful these next couple of weeks though. I don't want to spiral

I am going to list my stress here while I am on lunch break. It is a place to put this so I can move on with my day and come back to this list when I need it.

-My partner has left, so I am going home to an empty house. I won't see her for at least 3 months
-I need to apartment shop and find a place by 6/8
-I have really weird bug bit or something that looks like lyme disease and instead of being helpful the doctor sexually harassed me and made me feel like I was stupid
- I have less than 10 dollars to my name because of that visit... so if it is lyme disease I really can't afford to go in again
- I have never lived alone so I am scared because even weekends alone can be kind of difficult for me because my inability to stay safe
-My job is super busy and stressful
-I need to find the money for a plane ticket by the end of June really. Not sure how I am going to do that, I have picked up a small second job.
-My brother's meeting with the school board is today. It determines whether he can go to school next year
-My grandmother and mom are still not speaking and I need to know whether or not what happened was a one time thing
-I am finishing my mom's mothers day gift but it is hard because I have recently realized how much damage she did, and the bits of narcissistic qualities she has.
- I need to also be able to finish grad school applications and pay for them

There is more but that is enough off of my chest. My recovery is not going to be easy in this environment, I am trying to make it better

Wrapping you again in a warm, loving, affirming hug. I can't make any of that better, but I am here with you. Hoping you will keep breathing, keep hoping, keep wanting the movement forward. Hoping you want it, because I want to keep Elphanigh in my world as my friend.  :hug:

Thank you Wife#2. I really can use the hug, you don't make the actual stressors better but you help make me more capable of dealing with them. The comfort brings me some peace and ability to breathe through it all. So thank you. I do want it, I am good at surviving and fighting through these sections. Sometimes I lose my desire, but it does always come back.

Thank you for wrapping me in comfort again  :hug: :hug:

I want to keep you in my world as a friend as well. You are so kind and amazing

I have put my recovery in the background for a few days. Things come up but I needed to get other life things done first. I have however kept up my yoga practice and mental imagery practice going. These are part of my recovery but not as directly linked as dealing with any of the thoughts that come up.

What has come up has been interesting.  It has kept me from sending the last of my Mom's mother day (I showed her over Skype what it was, but it isn't fully finished). I have been grieving what could have been, and realizing how many things my mom should have noticed.. should have seen or done. Things she did that made things worse, and still do in some ways. I love her dearly and that won't ever change, now that we are at a distance most of the yar our relationship is much healthier for me, but it doesn't negate the fact that there were wrong in the past. She could have done a lot to save me in many instances.. and after the abuse she had opportunity to help me, even though she doesn't know much there were clearly signs of me struggling and instead of help I got put on house arrest basically and just yelled at. I learned to shut down completely and found numbness that eventually led to my suicidal thoughts and writing of my suicide note. I never fully attempted because on the day I had planned it a friend saved me without knowing it.

My parents did give me a home, food, clothes, and many other things that I am thankful for. I can help but wish sometimes that they had protected me. That they had helped or seen any of the signs.. that they hadn't given me so much responsibility when I was 6.. That would have saved me. Instead they weren't around. There was no one to help or protect me, and now I am old enough no one can actually protect me.

I have help now,  but I have to go seeking it. I had to find it in people that have no obligation to help me like my family kind of does. I had to find that somewhere else. It took me a lot of years to find it and a lot of pain with people that were unable to give that to me when I needed it most.

I am trying to find more self-assurance and confidence so one day I don't have to rely so heavily on those that do help me. I was burdened with a very  traumatic past and I deserve the help but I want not to over use that. I want to be okay on my own too. I want to be able to live my life and strive for my goals without the fear I am just going to break down when something hits me. This is why I am working so hard right now.

This is why I have to keep my recovery going right now, even if it is slow work it is progress.

Living alone has been an adventure this week, but I have found some peace in being able to do what I need to do with my night. It has allowed productivity and for me to truly practice my ground techniques for my recovery and just my stress and anxiety levels in general. I do really notice a difference in my ability to cope with the stress of my life right now.

As I noted with my yoga practice last night, I embrace this new journey. There is power in embracing where I am and what I am trying to do. I am embracing the challenge, and everything that comes with it

Elphanigh, so sad all the things you had to endure. Letting those memories come to the surface must be very hard. My heart goes out to you.

Wishing you peace

Lingurine

Thank you Lingurine. I am wishing for peace. It has been hard the last week though. I haven't been here in a few days because I have been using avoidance with other things in my life.

I have also been struggling with a particular memory and going into child mode sometimes..... I was shared as a kid. I can't remember completely how many or exactly who. I know I was about 8 when it started... It is truly hard to not know exactly how many people hurt me...I have tried to remember some but I can't, and I am not sure I want to ultimately. I went through a lot of versions of *... and even if I am capable of remembering it all.. I am not sure I want to.

I have EMDR tomorrow and we are supposed to try to timeline my life (good and bad).. I am not sure what it will bring up. All of my immediate support system is out of the country for the foreseeable future. I do have people who care for me here, but not that know much about anything that is going on. My girlfriend hops on a plane to England tomorrow, (she has been gone but only 4 hours away)... the other two are out of the country for a few weeks and aren't normally physically around anyways. I am worried but they have my back from afar

A lot is changing and I am preparing to move to a new apartment (if I can actually find one... it is all very stressful).. Anyways I am going to need luck, and a whole lot of strength

Standing by you, holding your elbow. Remember, regardless of what comes up - YOU ALREADY SURVIVED. How you survived is amazing in itself. BUT YOU SURVIVED! You are on this side of *, having reached a place where you ARE in more control of yourself. I am right here if/when you need me. No, that's not as good as being there, able to hug you and help you feel loved. We all will be here, anyway. For you. Because you are important to us.

Thank you so very much. That is exactly what I needed to hear. I appreciate that you are still reading all of this.

I have made it to this side of * somehow. I don't really understand how but I made it. The reminder is good to hear. Thank you for being here for me. I may journal tonight after therapy depending on what I am feeling. Being alone tonight may be hard to being on here will be helpful I don't want to be alone with it all. I have so much strength and resilience but sometimes that only goes so far. If I have learned anything over the past year it is that I can't do it all alone, and not everyone is going to run away.

Thank you for making me feel important and loved. I do truly cherish you and your kindness.

I hope that your session of EMDR goes well - and sending you a  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you  :hug:

 :hug: to you Elphanigh

Thanks. I am fearful of it a bit. I do want to do it, but it might take me a session or two to get through it. I haven't done it better and I am just unsure of what it will be like for me. I have had a few new memories over the course of the last month, so I am not sure if this will bring more with it. I know it means my mind is ready to deal with them, but they are never easy.

My T is incredible, so I trust her to do this with her. I have never let someone know all of it. I have only ever shared bits and pieces with people. Time lining this will be the first time someone will know all of it. At least events wise, as best as I remember things. It is scary but I hope for her to validate it and not to run. I think that i fear rejection, that I fear that I have been through too much for someone to help me. My story is not easy, it is full of many different types of abuse at different points of my life. I am worried no one will ever accept it fully or be able to see the bigger view of it and be able to handle it. I want to trust though, so I will try this. 

Elphanigh, you don't have to do this all at once, take it one step at a time. There comes a day that you can trust people again. The most important thing is to trust yourself. You made it this far, you are stronger than you think. Your T sounds great.

Lingurine

Lingurine, thank you for that reminder. We did a chunk today, and I am feeling better about letting her in on the rest of it. I always just worry I am going to hurt or scare someone. I have had too many people run away or not be able to handle my truth.. even just small bits

On that note, my therapy did really go well today. It was hard but I have come to a new level of trust with my T. I think I needed this process to more fully let her in, and for her to more fully understand just what level of abuse she is dealing with here. We were writing some of it on a poster board essentially so I could map it and make it visual for me.

In order to to that, I had at some point made myself comfortable sitting on the floor to get a better angle to write at because the table is so low. When she had a hard question for me and sensed me having a harder time, she came down to sit across the table from me and be able to look at me on the eye level I was at. For her age that probably wasn't terribly comfortable but she did it so seamlessly. It really made all the difference for her to have done that for me. I felt a better connection and was instantly less scared and not alone. Like she wasn't running away from my truth that she was there with me, and felt only compassion not fear.

She also, after we are done with this time line, wants to take a Saturday afternoon and do an intensive session. Like 2-3 hours or so. Money is not a thing I have and she immediately followed that by don't worry about the money I will figure it out. She has a hard time with opening everything up with me and then letting me leave because I only see her every two weeks due to cash right now. I mean she does everything in her power to get me grounded and in a good place but having sessions so far apart is difficult. So she wants to start with that Saturday so we can get through some of the emotions and larger picture bits to really figure out where to start. She has found out how extensive it is and realized why I have no true idea where to start.

*trigger warning*

So it is said here is what I have endured
1. Daily sometimes more than daily sexual abuse from the time I was six until I was almost 13
2. Physical violence in the form of hitting shoving pushing etc.. from both of them
3. Emotional abuse from my abusers and my parents
4. Witnessed domestic vilence
5. mild narrsasitic abuse
6. Sexual assault multiple times after I was abused
7. Humiliation from one of my abusers and also people I told
8. Witnessed several deaths
9. Forced to molest my sister
10. Watched others get molested
11. Was shared with multiple people by one of my abusers

This is not all of it but the more tangible ones.. there are the other times I have been re traumatized by people and there is always an addition to that list. I am determined to heal so there it is. the most basic idea I can give anyone of what I experienced.

Elphanigh, you beautiful soul. I am so deeply, deeply sad that you had to endure this abuse. You are such beautiful and kind and loving a person even after all you survived.

A big blanket of warm, loving hugs and encouragements is wrapped around you right now. You can step out of this hug as you feel, or you may bask in gentle, accepting, no-expectations, all-about-you-and-what-you-want loving grace.

I am in awe that you survived at all. That you have chosen to reveal your true self - the loving, kind, accepting woman - proves they could be abusive, but they couldn't kill the wonderful girl, now woman. You have conquered by surviving. You are a blessing to the people who know you, whether they know your story or not. I am honored to be allowed to share your journey with you.

Wife#2, as always thank you for you compassion and ability to care about me, even having heard so much about me. I love the warm blanket and hugs. I think I will stay in it a while this morning. My partner landed in the UK this morning so I am having a harder time with that and just still processing from my session yesterday.

As far as surviving and still being kind, I ask myself constantly how I survived. I don't really know, that list was incomplete last night. I added one major one to it this morning, I was shared and lent out by one of my abusers too. I have asked myself many time how I made it through all of it to no avail. It is kind of nice to have someone recognize that it is a big deal that I did survive.

I refuse to be cruel like the people who hurt me. I always wanted to be the opposite of them. So I worked to be kind, loving, compassionate. Sometimes to my own detriment but I have learned that boundary a bit more.

No need to be honored to share in my journey, it is something I always tried to hide or censor for people. I have gone to * and back a few times at least.. I never want to hurt someone with my story or my journey. It is a lot to ask someone to share in it with me. I am beyond grateful you are so willing to share in it with me. 

Elphanigh, it takes so much courage to write down what you went through. People love you because you're you, and see beyond the abuse. You are, besides abused, a beautiful human too, just like all of us. We all here know abuse and survived it. We are equals and hold your hand walking this difficult path with you together. It's just so sad. At least we're together.

:hug:

Lingurine

Lingurine thank you.  :hug:  I am glad we are all together as well. It is truly a help to have others to walk with.  I am feeling rather sad today, so it is good to have a reminder that I am something outside of the abuse I suffered.

I just feel sad this morning. I am not really triggered just processing still. After starting the timeline with my T and then posting her a very basic list of what I went through, I am just sad for little me. I am sad for that little girl, who didn't get to know what a normal, abuse free life was like. There has never not been trauma in my life, and I am grieving the things that means I never got. The chances I could have had, and things that also wouldn't have happened. I grieve a life I could have had, a person I could have become.

I don't understand how I ran into so much cruelty as a child. In such a small town, there was so much bad and I found it all. I sincerely believed that it was what I deserved as a kid because why else would people that didn't know of each other do this? Why else would everyone in my life have some reason to hurt me? That little girl never got to love herself. The only thing I ever had that I could be proud of was school. academically and musically I was very gifted. Sometimes I wonder how much more I could have been if I had not had so much else going on in my life.

I lost friendships and push others away because of it. I can't ever be honest with my family because of it, partially because they don't know and partially because what they themselves did and caused. I will forever have to risk sharing with anyone that becomes too close to me because anyone too close to me sees its affects on me. It is forever a part of me. I didn't get to know myself without it, I don't know a life without it as I am sure many of us don't. So I  have to learn who I am, and so much of who I am was built around abuse. I became strong, I became a protector of everyone. I became a lot of things I shouldn't have at that age

I am sad for little me.

I'm sad for that little you, too. Hugs to you.

Thank you Three Roses.  :hug:

I feel alone more adn more as the day goes on. It is a feeling that I have felt in my life but I have had people around me for the last year. Never fully alone. I know logically I have people that I can message. I can get on here and post and see responses (I have been reading the ones from this morning like my life depends on it).

As a kid I was alone in my pain, and in life. I took on the role of a protector, which can be very lonely at times because no one ever took care of me. I have allowed people to recently so no longer having that immediately around me is difficult. I am oddly a rather physically affectionate. A touch or hug from someone I truly trust is almost a cure for my anxiety and stress. Like for that moment I don't have to hold it all and I can just feel warm, dare I say possibly safe.

With my whole support system simultaneously out of my physical reach and some out of any reach of contact it feels lonely. I know part of that is probably a bit of an EF because it is feelings that I felt as a child and really up until the last year. Going back to this feeling has been hard. I have this need to curl up in a blanket and drink something warm, color, or pet me cat. I want nothing but to get to hug someone as well. to just let them take it all away for a moment, to not have to be alone.

I know logically I am very much not alone but it is difficult. I have been apartment shopping for just myself today, and selling furniture that was mine and Sara's to help downsize when I move. She is also finally over there, so just a rough day. It is the first truly rough day I have had since she left a week ago

The existentialism of loneliness is something that can make you feel scared at first and very strong afterwards. In the end we are alone and that's okay, because we can depend on ourselves. Going through these feelings of loneliness is a big part of the healing process. If you can make it to the other side you can feel your own strength growing when you get there. I see it like a big swim, when you go swimming and discover that the coast is further than you've expected, that feeling, first panic or a state of freeze and anxiety, than power and vigor to make it to the coast.

I wish you a lot of strength.

Lingurine

That is a good way to think of it. Thank you for that metaphor. I will use every bit of strength I can to get to the other coast. I am determined, more than I ever have been

Quote from: Elphanigh on May 23, 2017, 02:32:11 PM
I grieve a life I could have had, a person I could have become.
...
I am sad for little me.

I can relate to this so much  :hug:

 :hug: to you Blackbird.

It has bee a few days since I have written in here, and a lot has happened. I have found a more stable emotional state. I am excited it didn't take me as long as it used to. I have found a new apartment to live in , so I no longer have to worry about that. I have also sold some of my older furniture which will make it far easier to move, and give me less reminders of my space with Sara. We are still together but this new place is my own and I need to not always be reminded of her. I am excited to truly build a place of my own. I am hoping to make it my safe haven. The first true place that is only mine. 

I  have also applied for a new job that I will make more at and be more at peace. It will ease my financial burden, and the management is way more healthy so I am excited at the prospect. Also this would mean working with a good friend of mine that I graduated college with. I am hopeful to hear back next week,  hopefully as I am also moving to my own place!

Elphanigh, what great news, you deserve it girl

:sunny:

Lingurine

Thank you! :)

I found out last night that mu mom spent Wednesday night in the hospital with a possible heart attack. They have discovered it is most likely a clot but it could still be dangerous for her. She is home to rest until she has an appointment to determine what happened exactly.

This brought up some stuff for my own recovery. One, my mother doesn't truly know what happened to me. She knows that I was felt up once by my first abuser but nothing more. She doesn't know I remember or have any issues with it. I have always been happy with not telling her and letting her go to her grave not knowing, because it would cause her pain. However. I realized that if I don't would she ever truly know me? I do love her dearly and I don't think I will ever tell her, but I questioned it and I have to at least acknowledge why I did.

Two, she did some abusive things herself without fully realizing it. I have been distant from her for a few weeks because of my realization of that fact. She has gotten better with age for the most part, and has come to realize some patterns that are negative as she seems them in the way my cousins are being raised. She now speaks up against them sometimes, so there is improvement. There will never be acknowledgment for me and my siblings but she is making better. I do truly believe she cares, I have never doubted that in my life. It makes me regret being a bit distant. I haven't sent her mother's day gift because I couldn't bring myself to finish it. I need to finish and send it. She did give me a good childhood mostly. Having what good I did was what helped me survive the extensive abuse I endured.

I think she will be okay, but I was confronted with some things and need to think about them as I process my recovery.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's health scare. That is always a difficult time, for different reasons depending on good or bad relationship with a parent.

It does sound as if you are ready to forgive your mother for her part in your abuse. If that's the case, that's wonderful! If, because you feel forgiveness towards her, you feel the need to draw back towards her, that's also wonderful. There is no need to burden her with your forgiveness if you've never told her about all you survived. Just know in your heart that you can reconnect as feels safe for you.

:bighug: to you as you decide the best path forward. Your beauty of mind, soul, spirit continue to shine for all to see. I know you'll make the best decision for you.

Thank you so very much, Wife#2. I think I will draw back in some. I live far away from her but we used to talk much more often than we do now. I have set up a possible skype with her this weekend, just to chat. I am glad you don't think I have to tell her to move forward. I think not telling her is what I would prefer. She did do good for me, and I don't want that to be clouded by her failings anymore. I can't be angry at her for it anymore. Her mom was far worse, and it isn't and excuse, but it does explain something. She has made good strides with age and I see her effort. I think that is what I needed.

It would be good to connect to her a bit more now that things have leveled out. So when a scare like that happens it is not the only time I have spoken to her. I do truly love her, I just got angry for a few weeks. I saw everything that she could have caught and seen as a sign. I saw all the ways she could have saved me, and all the ways she could have at least not made it worse. I think I needed to see it but not to live in that anger too long.

You are very wise, Elphanigh. Very wise indeed. I hope that conversation goes well and that you feel better about her and about yourself when it's over.

That is a great compliment, Wife#2. I am young but try to be wiser than my age, so that means a lot. I truly hope so as well. I will probably update here on it

The conversation with my mom last night went really well. I think I am going to recover from the anger I have felt towards her for a few weeks. Will take some progress, but it did help she was helpful with an injury the other day.

I had a big health scare yesterday, that has kinda of set me fight and flight responses off.... I am starting to get past that being triggered but it is truly difficult. I hit the floor so quickly out of pain like I have never felt... I was scared I wasn't going to get up.. I am young but some really horrible issues run in the family so I was worried they had finally caught up to me, because I have avoid them so far. Today is less scary but my range of motion is so small, and I am used to being very free to move.. I am trying to move apartments and it has put me way behind on packing so I am hopeful this gets well soon. I can't afford to injure it more but I have to pack

I realized how strongly I feel fear, and how quickly those responses are triggered in me still. I went into child mode for part of the day, and just unable to handle it like an adult fully would. It is frustrating to be in that place.

I could really use a session with my T to kind of deal with the feelings I had and how terrifying it was for me. What it brought up and just what is still left. Living alone has been completely okay until that moment.. I realized how alone I was when there was no one to help and that there wouldn't be unless I could get across the apartment to my phone... It checked the list for heart attack symptoms almost fully... and having early set heart problems run in my family so I was scared and I think a lot of the fear I had as a child came running back with it... I know trauma is cumulative but in that moment I think I gained a fuller grasp on that concept

Elphanigh, you have been through so much lately, I'm sorry this joined your list.  :bighug: Please try to be as kind to yourself as you can. I understand the push to finish as deadlines approach. Still, you can do more while working slowly and carefully than you can rushing and collapsing again. I hate the way that sounds, still it is true.

If you feel emotions building up strongly again, try to sit down, breathe through them. This next is going to sound a bit new-age, which is not like me usually, but maybe, ask each emotion that comes up if it can wait for a short while. If it can wait, knowing you will give it the time it needs for fuller expression soon, just not right now. Same for the memories. Acknowledge them, give them respect, but ask them if they can give you just a little more time to finish this move and have your next therapy session.

This move is representing a lot more than just a change of address. The anxiety, fears, loneliness and even anger, are completely understandable. You will get through this. You are strong enough.  :bighug:

Thank you for the hugs.  :hug: I have had a lot going on and life has a habit of adding more just when I think I level out. The back injury was not expected, my back has done better over the last year or so. I will work slowly and not rush. You were right in your wording even if it can sound bad. If I work too hard the injury will flare up and it will cause collapsing again in physical pain, and then the rush of emotions that comes with that.

That is a bit new age but maybe something worth trying.  I generally try to use my box that I have mentally created for my EMDR  but I struggle to get past the fear yesterday to think in that direction. I need to figure out how to make sure I have the options laid out well enough that when I feel that instinctual response that I can instead use your suggestion or other things that help me tuck away the emotion until I can come back to it.

This move represents so much right now. My life is in major transition and this move encompasses most of those changes all at once. It is exciting but terrifying and comes with all the realizations any major transition does.

Thank you for affirming me in this, and reminding me I am strong enough to handle this :bighug:

So this move is more than just moving the 20 minutes across the metro area I live in. I have known this and am excited but I am releasing a lot of things as well.
New things:
1. I am getting to create my own safe haven.
2. Getting a place where I am in complete control of who comes in and out
3. Making a new routine that is truly helpful for my recovery and my own needs
4. New location can mean a new start entirely. I think that life has been throwing me a lot of signs that this is a new start and new stage of adventure for me. This move is really solidifying it

Things I am leaving behind
1. I am leaving behind "our place". Everything in my current place me and my partner built and got together. I am leaving behind the space and getting rid of a lot of the furniture that just doesn't fit in my new space. I have not left my partner but I am leaving a piece of her behind there
2. I am leaving the routine and almost a feeling of normal behind. It is hard to create a new normal
3. I am leaving behind what safety I do feel with this place

Recovery goals:
1. I want to forgive myself for everything I think I have done, or realize it was never my fault and be certain of it.
2. I want to learn to trust myself more
3. I want to learn to recognize and combat child mode better
4. I want to truly believe I am worth loving
5. I want to be comfortable being me, and not apologizing for it contently.

I need these things.. I want in my heart to know I was never a monster, that I was never bad, that I wasn't just good for abuse. I believed that there would never be anything else in my life and that it was my fault for being bad. I want to more than just logically know that it isn't true, I want to fully believe that I am not any of those things and forgive myself for anything that I find myself responsible. I want to find this in my whole being, to find peace with myself.

I think with that a lot of my other goals will start to follow along. I realize I must also find that someone can handle all of my truth. I think until I know that someone can that I will always feel like I am going to be too much for someone. My abuse was extensive as anyone that has read too much of this journal well know. I worry that if someone else can't handle it that there is something wrong with me... that there will always be something I could say that would scare them away... or make them see me as I have seen myself. I worry that no one can ever fully know and stay around. That I hold too much bad.. that there is too much darkness and damage.. that they succeeded at damaging me beyond repair.. and beyond where anyone can actually love and accept me

Quote from: Elphanigh on May 30, 2017, 09:18:20 PM
New things:
1. I am getting to create my own safe haven.
2. Getting a place where I am in complete control of who comes in and out
3. Making a new routine that is truly helpful for my recovery and my own needs
4. New location can mean a new start entirely. I think that life has been throwing me a lot of signs that this is a new start and new stage of adventure for me. This move is really solidifying it

Things I am leaving behind
1. I am leaving behind "our place". Everything in my current place me and my partner built and got together. I am leaving behind the space and getting rid of a lot of the furniture that just doesn't fit in my new space. I have not left my partner but I am leaving a piece of her behind there

This is so inspiring!

Quote2. I am leaving the routine and almost a feeling of normal behind. It is hard to create a new normal
3. I am leaving behind what safety I do feel with this place

Believe me, I understand. Stay strong and let the 'new normal' establish itself around you, made up of whatever feels most nurturing. :hug:

Candid,  thank you. I am glad you found it inspiring, I hadn't looked at it like that. I appreciate the encouragement. I will stay strong and give room for lots of nurturing things. I am glad someone understands  :hug: :hug:

I have a lot of learning to do. I am becoming more and more aware of this fact. I am so determined to learn but it is so scary and difficult. I have been so anxious and scared and just scattered. I saw my psych for my three month check up and did an important thing. I voiced this and get to see if some regular anxiety meds might help level that out for me.

I have been doing yoga almost every day, really focusing on spending time at work grounding (although I don't have much time). I have worked on my ability to slow myself down with breathing and with different senses. It helps but none of it has been enough recently. I don't want to fully rely on them but it has been affecting my normal ability to function and get normal things done. This is hard for me to do, but I need to accept some help from a medication for now. I can't keep existing in this state. I am working hard to heal and I could use the help.

I get my new keys for my apartment tonight, I will spend the rest of the week working on that. I am hoping to create a safe space for myself to heal and find some peace.

There is a lot to handle right now, and I wish I could drop even one thing but I can't so here I am just trying to survive.

I am learning to communicate better with people about my needs. I also received some much needed encouragement last night. Getting reminded that it was okay to focus on myself right now, and be a bit selfish with my time and energy. It is a comfort and a good reminder that I am trying hard to do all of the right things and finally heal. I do really want to be in a better place when I go to grad school, it is going to take a lot of effort to do so, but it is possible.

I am tired of things that other people decided to do affecting me so much. They decided to be terrible and to take so much away from me, I want my life to be my own. I can't even say I want it back because I never had it. It is terrifying to go through this work, and scary because I have no idea what truly healthy looks like... I have no idea what having my life not so controlled by this looks like but I have hopes it is better than things are right now. I just have to go through the hard work and the increase in symptoms currently..

I am exhausted and strung pretty thin right now, but I am going to create a better space as I move. I just have to get to the end of this exhausting period of time.

Hi EIphanigh,

I don't have a lot of words to say unfortunately, but I want you to know I have read all of this thread and I hear you. None of this was your fault, I feel heartbroken for you. 

Please know that NONE of this was your fault. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE that these people threatened you, blamed you, forced you to do anything, and worse hurt you and your sister. Your parents should have protected you and listened to you. We know that not all parents are like that, or we would not be here on this forum. But I want you to know that you DESERVED TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE, KINDNESS, and PROTECTION.   It was not your job to protect your sister, it was your parents job.

I am here with you, sending you lots of kindness and compassion. You are very brave to be doing this, to be trying to recover your memories and heal. I am proud of you and you are allowed to be very proud of yourself.

<3

Jennyjenny, I am amazed that you took the time to read all of this. It is a long thread to read and can be triggering I imagine. I thank you so much for taking the time to do so, it means a great deal to me.

Do not worry that you don't have many words. The words you do have are wonderful and perfect. I love the kindness and compassion in them, I need both of those and the validation you gave so much right now. You are right about all of it. I am coming to learn that and be able to see how things I put on myself, and got put on me were not actually mine to carry. Like protecting my sister or myself. I am still massively protective of everyone I love which can be a curse sometimes, but I am starting to learn it is not my fault when things happen and that it wasn't then.

This is not to say that I don't still blame myself some days,, because I certainly do. I am just at a level I can recognize that as a truth when I am reminded of it by someone else.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it means the world to me. I am ever grateful that you are here and reminding me that I have something to be proud of and am worth this compassion. I forget that sometimes.

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 02, 2017, 03:39:35 PM

This is not to say that I don't still blame myself some days,, because I certainly do. I am just at a level I can recognize that as a truth when I am reminded of it by someone else.

Thank you so much for your kindness, it means the world to me. I am ever grateful that you are here and reminding me that I have something to be proud of and am worth this compassion. I forget that sometimes.

You are so welcome. And I also relate to all of this. My father kidnapped my sisters brother and myself and we were brainwashed. My mother did not come and get us, even though she found us. She constantly referred to the kidnapping as "when you kids left,"  regardless of the amount of times I replied "We did not leave. We were kidnapped. We could not drive cars. I was 8 years old. I did not leave. I was kidnapped."

Up until around 2 -3 months ago, right after she died, I also could not hold my truth about my mother not being who she said she was / not taking responsibility etc. without someone else reminding me of it.     I am 45 years old and I have ALWAYS needed other people to tell me the 'truth' about my mother. I also knew the truth this whole time - but the FOO dynamic and the CPTSD make me question myself, since that is what I was taught to do by the denial and minimization of the abuse by my FOO. 

You are worthy, you have survived things I cannot even fathom. The fact that you are functioning is a testament to how strong you are.   

Also , you are and were worth being protected. Now, and as a child.  It is ok to need reminders - I believe that is part of the CPTSD. At least it is for me. Hugs to you if you want them :)

I will always accept hugs  :hug: I am oddly enough comforted by things like hugs, only from safe people but they are often the only time I am not in protection mode. Sometimes, dare I say, they make me feel safe and really nurture the inner child.

I am glad you can see your mom for what she was now, and I am so sorry for what you went through. I can't fathom being kidnapped by my own family. That would be a difficult path to go down. I am so glad you are healing from it all. I have been through many things some of which I am still starting to remembers, and others I may never remember. You are definitely not the only one who has said they couldn't fathom it, but you believe me and that is so beyond validating it is great. I am also glad I am not the only one that needs reminders. I am only 23 so I have a long road ahead, but I have hopefully started early enough to get to some point of okayness in my life.

Thank you for believing I am strong as well. I have fought to be here all of my life, and I don't always see it as strong because I have fallen apart so much in my life.

You are also so worth the protection and love. Hugs to you as well  :hug:

I have been remembering a few things more clearly in the last few weeks or so. I think it is just because we started to time line my life in session and it might have brought some information forward for me.

*trigger warning from here*

I remembered most clearly the first time I was shared with two other people by one of my primary abusers. It was scarier than a lot of things I had experienced... and I have experienced a lot as anyone who has read this journal knows. I remember going into a irrigation ditch in the cold when it was windy, and the ditch hadn't been filled with water for the year. I had gone down there before but this time two other guys followed my abuser and I. I remember them just joking around and just saying they wanted to hang out. At this point I had known well enough that wasn't the case. I was about 9 or 10 and I had been abuse by 3 or 4 years at this point... I knew.. We walked down the ditch towards a bend in it where there are no houses where my main abuser took me a lot and thigns were as normal for a bit..

I remember them egging him on.. it was more painful because of that and the cold dirt was with rocks and roots was one of the worst places to get shoved and pushed violently against...

He gave them permission to do the same. Each worse than the other because they were trying to top each other and be better I guess...


*Trigger warning can go away*

I knew this happened but not in so much detail.. I knew I was shared for several years with other people and lent out... but I have only ever had one small vivid memory and a lot of blurs when it came to the rest of it.. so having this one settle in is difficult. I have remembered faces more too, can see more of what used to be a blur.

I hate getting new memories and really until this year I hadn't ever gotten new ones... I had always just had the chunk I remembered for as long as I can think back to... I just want to hug little me, and fix this for her... I had so many people do this and be cruel to me.. it broke me but somehow I am here... I have no idea some days how I am, but I did it somehow. I wish i could fix it, and some days I wish I didn't have to remember but I know I do.. I have to heal and I need to know more of what happened in order to do this.I just want to curl up somewhere safe and never see this kind of cruelty in the world ever again... I don't want to remember how it feels but I do...

There are no words adequate to describe the level of my anger at those "men", nor the depth of my compassion for you. Standing with you.

Thank you Three Roses. I appreciate both the anger at them and the compassion for me. It is nice to know I have people with me, even just online.

Sadly I know that isn't the only time that happened... best I know is that I was shared around for several years. I have lots of blurry ones and some vivid moments spanning a few years of my abuse that include multiple people... this one is new and more violent in my head than the ones I have always remembered...

I wish I could say that this was a one time occurrence.. that it was only men that hurt me.. that I knew how many people abused me... I can't honestly say any of that... It happened a lot, there was a woman, one of my main sexual abusers actually, and I have no idea how many my male main abuser shared me with... I won't ever know. This just confirms that.

Sometimes I really wish I could go back into denial.. recovery is hard and scary... and getting memories like this back..

Well let's just say it's terrible and I am nannying tonight and put the kids to bed early because I couldn't handle it... It hurt too much.. they were tired anyways but I couldn't do it..

Sorry that was long. It's a really rough night, and I am in a place I have never been, by myself minus the two kids.. little me and me right now just need a lot of warmth and love... but as usual I have to save me, no one else really can.

Standing with you  Elphanigh as these terrible memories resurface. You have been enduring so much in change and emotions due to your current life recently, and now these memories.  :hug: to you and  :hug: to your little one.

Thank you Blueberry. I have really been going through a lot lately with life and to top it off the influx of memories. It has always been this way though. My life is normally either calm, or completely crazy. It has always had a hard time finding any in between. I spent part of my day with a friend which was greatly distracting but I worry what the night will bring again. My night mares have returned and the new medicine is an interesting thing to adapt to.

I am scared I am going to remember more. Knowing that a woman that I looked up to was one of my main and worse abusers, and then that painful vivid memory from the last big post I shared in here... I know I am bound to remember more, I have large gaps, but I was never sure I would get them back.. now that I have a few I am not sure I want them. I always thought what I did remember was horrific... maybe my mind saved me from the worst of it and I don't know it yet..

It just hurts and I wish it wasn't true. I know it is, I can feel it and I know enough of the years I was lent out that it doesn't surprise me.. but it aches all over again.. I have never remembered new things.. I have always known that I was abused.. that people hurt me and made me do some terrible things.. and that I witnessed a lot as well.. I have always known but I really large gaps... I want to fill those in, but at the same time I know I have to go through this to do it.. I have to feel the hurt and the schock of the truth... the fear and confusion that goes with it...

I dreamed vividly of the one time that my uncle abused me last night... I had a vague idea of what happened but a dream h as tried to fill it in for me... I don't know how much stock to put into my dreams

Moving day has been busy. I am not completely done but am getting there. My body aches and has gained many bruises. My new place doesn't feel like home yet but I am starting to envision it as I get more of my things in there. I want it to be a place where I can feel safe and free to nurture myself as I need to. I have gone through a lot lately and can't wait to finally pause for a second. Probably won't happen until Thursday.

As far as recovery goes, just trying to live life even after the new memory. It has been really hard but I have needed to put it and the emotions aside. I had a nightmare about it last night, and had other nightmares nights previous. Sadly I can't be on my nightmare med any longer

I am trying to decide what to talk to my T about tomorrow. So much has happened but I do really need/want to get this timeline done so I can truly start the deep emdr work that will hopefully be the key to me healing. At least help to take me to another level of peace with it.

I realize I am still blaming myself for the things that I was made to do to my sister and for the girls I feel like I failed in my past. I realize I feel like I shouldn't have sacrificed more or fought more..

Oh, sweetheart - you were a child, they abused that fact to gain your compliance. You were a child. Already conditioned in your teen years to be as THEY could exploit, not as was best for you. You were a child. They did this to you, so much that it became normal to you. They are criminal in their behavior to you. You are a victim acting out in the only ways you knew or thought you could.

That you survived at all is a wonder. That you are beginning to claim yourself back is beautiful. That you are discovering that you, the real you inside all the pain and suffering (done to and by you) is actually still an innocent and a beautiful soul. Your compassion is proven in the fact that you can't stop worrying about damage done to others. You can't change what happened, true. However, you can understand that you were the puppet and they (your abusers) were the puppet masters.

I sincerely hope one day you can not just cut those strings (which I think you've already done), but also forgive yourself for not seeing those strings earlier.  :bighug: You are a good human being with love, compassion and beauty in your soul. You are and have been trying to figure out how to gain forgiveness from those you may have hurt. That is good, it shows your good heart. Please, let your therapist help you in forgiving yourself? 

Wife#2, I am always in awe of your kindness and compassion. I definitely teared up a bit while sitting here and reading that a few times.

I forget sometimes that surviving it all was a big deal. It just was for me. It's harder now than it ever was then. I am glad you see the effort of me trying to see myself through all of this pain and suffering. Also that you see my compassion, I do have a lot of it.

I hope one day I can see that it was because of them that people got hurt and not because of me. I want to realize that I wouldn't have hurt my sister when I was 7 if it weren't for them, and I wouldn't have watched others get hurt, or participated in things I shouldn't have even as a teenager... I want to fully forgive myself. The string analogy is a good one, I think you are right that I have cut them, just haven't forgiven myself yet.

I will let my T help me in forgiving myself. We did one session at a point on my belief that I was a monster. We will jump back into that but it was too much for me at the time. I think forgiveness will be one of my biggest challenges. I care far more about what happened to others than what happened to me. Not that the new memory I have has not be extremely hard to wrestle with. Even for me that was a bit on the violent side to remember.

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 05, 2017, 01:06:16 PM
I forget sometimes that surviving it all was a big deal. It just was for me. It's harder now than it ever was then.

This doesn't surprise me, that it's harder now. Back then, the evil was just part of life. When little Elphanigh realized this evil being done to her WAS evil, she had to hide. It was more than she could take, that trusted people would do her harm. 

There was much more to who you were, but that had to be locked away behind walls and chains and armor just to be kept safe. Will little Elphanigh so locked away, so distant to the shell walking around, it's very hard to understand that the shell did as the shell was told, but Elphanigh didn't do these things. So, it hurts when Elphanigh has to look back, see shell's memories and recognize the face as her own.

Now, Elphanigh can't hide from the memories that shell still has. Because you can't heal until you bring Elphanigh and shell together. Now, Elphanigh has to know what shell suffered and what shell did. This is much scarier, much harder and much worse now that you are grown and know evil for evil. One thing I hope for you more than anything is that you can know that shell wasn't evil. Shell did no evil. Evil wants to hurt others. Evil is glad when others suffer. Shell just did what people do when told or when the opportunity arises because that was all shell knew about the world.

Thank you Wife#2. That was very well phrased and great to read. :bighug:

I think I have come to realize little me wasn't evil, she was panicked and scared. I know I would not treat anyone else that went through/did what I did the same way I treat my little self. So my head and logic knows that she wasn't evil, I just need to work that belief deeper so when I feel my past and look at it deeply that I won't need my complete logical brain to be able to know it. 

I really hope one day I will be able to comfort her more, instead of wondering why she didn't choose differently in those moments. I am so much of a caretaker and self sacrificing person now, I couldn't imagine choosing that way anymore. You are right though, I need to remember that little me didn't know any better. I knew the danger it put me in to choose differently when asked to hurt someone.. and for other things I just didn't know anything different about the world.

I do truly hope I get that for me too. It is nice you have so much hope for me. I think I need to let go of the fact I had any control, that is a challenge. I have to admit having no power at all..

 :bighug: You are a survivor. You will make it through all this and to the Elphanigh you are and deserve to show the world. The empathetic, kindhearted, encouraging and generously loving woman. SHE will be victorious.

No, control in the past was an illusion. Control in the present is limited, too. Don't forget that part. We can control our words, actions and interactions. This is true. We cannot control what will be thrown in our paths and how much time we'll be granted to cope. I only say this to remind you to brace your inner self. These memories and this integration could be a bumpy ride!

Standing here with you. In awe of the woman I see. Thankful you call me friend and that I can EVER say anything that helps you.  :bighug:

I am so glad you believe so much that I will win all of this and get to be that person fully. :bighug:

You say that from a good place, thank you. It is hard for me to be okay with how little I had any control as a kid, and just how little I still have today. It is more than I did, but very sadly limited because of human nature. It is hard to let go of the control I wish to have some days. If I could have what I wish I did, nothing bad would ever happen to anyone I care about, and certainly not to me again.

The new memories starting to come to the surface are kind of humbling me in that respect. I can't control that they happen or when they occur. Sadly it decided to come when my stress and similar fear was active in my life. Integration is sure to be a very bumpy ride, what I have done in healing has already been one bumpy ride. Thank you for bracing me, and using your experience to help mine be easier, or at least less scary because I can know a little ahead of time/ have somewhere to go to help me

Thank you for standing with me, it means the world to have you as a friend :bighug: You say a great deal that helps me, probably more than you realize. You show so much faith in me and hope for what I can accomplish it is inspiring to me.  :hug:

Also odd to hear someone in awe of the person they see me to be. I always feel like such a mess just hoping I am choosing the right things and doing some good in life It is good for someone to see past my mess :bighug:

 :bighug: Remember, I don't see the you that you see in the mirror. I just see the you that sneaks out from behind typed words! It's easier for me to see the genuine you. I don't remember that time you flipped the bird or tripped walking down the street (guessing, these things are done by me all the time LOL). I didn't hear it the last time you cussed at someone (mine was days ago, but you don't know that, so you didn't judge me on it LOL).

I have the wonderful honor of seeing you as you are inside your skin. THAT's really where the beauty lies. (Gag on cliché, but it's still true). You only get to see the me that I show you (peeping out behind my words, too). We're much more likeable this way, aren't we?

So, yes,  :bighug:, I see what you allow me to see. And, you're either one heck of an actor or you are a genuine person worthy of love and kindness in abundance! I'm pretty sure you are genuine. I'm gonna love the person I've seen so far, no matter what else is part of that whole person you are!  :bighug:

You are very sweet, and have a very good point. Tripping on the side walk does happen to me alot haha. I am rather clumsy lol. I won't judge for flipping the bird (although I personally don't do this), or cursing (this I do more than I should).

I will join you on gagging on that cliche but it is very true. We are much more likable like this, at least I know I am. I don't act on here, I do at other times but never here. I only change my curse words, and sometimes hold back details not to trigger people. It is genuinely me though. Thank you for loving the person you have seen through the words that I share. It is pretty transparently me, so it means a lot. I have shared a ton of my mess and less great sides on here so it is great to have someone see good in those words.

Know I love and am in awe of who you have shown yourself to be through your words :bighug: You r cyber hugs and encouragement are truly such a comfort and inspiration to me very regularly. Life has been really tough and you have made it easier

I am really worried about my therapy session tonight. So much has been going on since I saw her last. This every two weeks is really not enough for me but it is what I can manage financially right now. I worry because this new memory is still really fresh and raw. My wounds are a bit more open than they have been because of it. I worry about it.

We started my timeline in session last time, and I think it is probably good to continue that but we are getting to the part that I didn't write out before hand. It is also getting to the point where she knows far more than I have ever allowed someone to know. I think she is up through almost when I am out of my abuse.. which means we get to map out some assaults and other traumas that I really haven't voices as what they are. Things I did as a teenager I was truly uncomfortable with but wasn't willing to disappoint people.. to go through the part of my life where people started leaving me, and when lots of deaths started occurring. Lots of injuries and family issues, my suicidal part of my life etc.

My wounds are raw this week, so opening them up more scares me. I know it is so important and she watches my limits more closely than even I do, I have a tendencies to push too far and I have voiced that to her so she knows it. Opening these wounds so  I can heal is never comfortable, and I know is only going to get a bit more difficult for a while, until it gets better. Emdr is a special kind of beast...

Please let her know your concerns! She has sounded like a very caring and helpful therapist. I think she will be ok if you need to take a break from the timeline and address these memories. Only you can decide what is really best to cover, this is YOUR therapy.  :bighug:  No matter WHAT you decide, know you are making your best decision for you in this moment. THAT is what matters today.

She has been very caring and helpful. I am not honestly sure which is going to be more useful for me. I am contemplating it. I am also trying to decide what I can handle tonight. I am still in the middle of a move which is distracting and good, but if I go to far I won't be able to function well enough to work on that move.

I will try to voice those concerns to her. I have a hard time admitting I am so worried about letting her know everything. I think I mentioned it in passing so she has gone slow, but probably not as fully. I know she knows that people have left me for it before, but not to the extent that it has created issues for me. I have never discussed that fully with a therapist. The part of my timeline we are up to starts that. So it is sure to come up if I do decide to do that.

I am not sure if I am ready to face the new memory fully. I have some, and did by typing some of it here. I know it is safest to try it while there is someone around but it is risky becaus eI am feeling it so painfully still

I feel like I failed today. I feel like I will never actually heal. If I can't be okay and handle this.. I won't be able to do what I need to be doing tp fix this. This is really the only year in te forseeable future that I can gaurantee that I will have to spend lots of time focusing on this.. I need to be able to do this. I will be able to, for my own sake.

We did some of timeline after I kind of gave her a run down on what had happened since I saw her last.  At the end I kinda had a small flash of something and had a moment, more than I had previously had in front of her. I was fine after just a couple of minutes. She told me to think about whether or not the time line was too much right now, and we could go back and resource from some of the good in my life and what not.

I want to for my own sake be able to get through that timeline. I have gotten half way through my life, almost. (just realized in about two years I will have lived long enough for the worst of my abuse to no longer be the majority of my life. It is currently just over half)  It is almost for me a sign of whether or not I can heal. Doing this timeline has become a symbol for that. If I can't do this, how the heck can I expect to be able to do the harder work? To do the emdr etc.? I worry if I can't do this I won't heal. It feels like it to me. It feels like I am failing if I cant do this. I want to continue to try. I am functioning and okay, rough with the new memory but I am doing life function and moving and working and seeing friends still. I am still healthy and safe.

I need to try to do this. If I have to give her the ability to veto that decision if I do start to go too south that's fine. I need to try for my own sake. I don't want to fail.. or to feel like I will never heal

I understand where you're coming from, I'm 30 and my abusive period was 27 years, no relaxing periods in between, just euphoric ones (coping mania). Reading this entry of yours I realized I might still be in shock, or coming out of it. So, don't be too hard on yourself. We want to rush and get this over with, but patience is our friend.

You're very strong, Elphanigh, you can do it.  :hug:

Elphanigh, I had a big long post, that I deleted, detailing why you deserve to be kind to yourself and relax over deadlines and progress missteps. I am nobody to talk, so I erased it. Please, remember to be kind to yourself. With therapy, deadlines are targets - and it's ok to miss a target! Progress benchmarks are very flexible. Because you and your therapist can't know how something will affect you until it does affect you. Then, you both have to work from this new location.

You have a good therapist, by the sound of things. Tell her of your financial concerns, of your inner deadlines that are making you feel rushed and not up to the task. I have a feeling you and she will be able to work out some of this in a way that can help you relax. I know I'm on the sideline cheering you on, but this isn't a marathon, it's a life-changing ongoing adventure. You can do this hard work. You've already done so much. Please don't give up on yourself! You are currently doing just fine with progress and you'll keep doing just fine, even if it isn't as fast as you would hope.
:bighug:

Blackbird, Thank you for sharing. I can imagine that there could be a level of shock for you. I have been out of the worst of mine for just over ten years. The last abuse I suffered ended about a 6 months ago.. it was some narcissistic and emotional abuse, so nothing a big as when I was a kid. There was always some small form of abuse as I know now because I have the ability to look back and see it in places I wouldn't have before.

I am sorry you went through so much. Thank you for reminding me to not be so hard on myself I truly appreciate it. We will both get through this all  :hug:

Wife#2, your long posts are welcome but I am glad you are honest about not being one to talk. I appreciate you were able to find that many reasons I deserved to be kind to myself and not be so stressed over deadlines. It is always amazing someone has so much kindness for me.

My therapist is really great. The first good one I have had. I need to tell her why I have been clinging to getting this done so much. I will tell her. As far as finances go she did lower my rate for me yesterday. She had been thinking about what she could do for that, so I am paying her about half of what I actually should be. If I need her more often I am allowed to ask, and she would work something out  but I don't like to abuse that. So all but once I have made it the two weeks between sessions.

Thank you for cheering me on so much. It is more than I could ever have asked or hoped for. I forget sometimes that this is not something I can sprint through. I am so much of an overachiever it bothers me so badly when I can't just do things. With school and lots of other things I was just always good at them, I was the best at most of them. So finding something that I can't just do or aren't excelling at is really difficult. I only know how to push myself.. I know very little about being kind to myself.. It's how I have gotten this far. I worked hard to achieve everything I could. I graduated from a prestigious college with a 3.6 and that was disappointing and way too low for me. If that kind of gives you an idea of how much this is a thing for me.

I was also clinging to this as a symbol of being able to recover.. like if I couldn't do it then there was no hope for me.. I need to let that go so I can relax about it. So I don't give up on myself. I have worked to hard to give up, I know this. I just worry that I won't ever heal..

Thank you for assuring me that I am doing well with progress and where I am. As always I am so grateful you are here cheering me on :bighug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 06, 2017, 12:14:47 AM
I feel like I failed today. I feel like I will never actually heal. If I can't be okay and handle this.. I won't be able to do what I need to be doing tp fix this.

I've had feelings like these (I've failed, I won't heal) on and off for years, they are getting less though. Less often, less severe. "If I can't do this, the other will/ won't happen" often turns out to be the sort of thing FOO said, i.e. not what I really think. So a false assumption.

Elphanigh, you are so strong and making so much progress, I'm sure you will heal, but sometimes we need to let things slow up a little, be patient when the last thing we want is to be patient. We want to heal from this beast yesterday, not waste any more time with it.

I've been out of the worst of mine for about 25 years, but I've been re-traumatised in healing through therapists and their actions and through allowing myself to be by FOO. Some of these incidents through therapists or FOO have sent shockwaves through my system and sent me reeling and since I feel far more now than I did as a child and realise more too, sometimes it seems worse.

All that to say, please don't be too hard on yourself! i'll admit though that like wife#2 I'm a fine one to talk. But everytime I suggest to someone else that they not be so hard on themselves, I'm pounding the message better into my brain, pounding that tiny little footpath in my brain into a 6 lane highway (I wish...).   :hug:

Thank you for sharing Blueberry. It is a great help to me to be reminded other people have been here, and to try not to be too hard on myself.  :hug:

I will see if I can't see where the statement comes from in my past, maybe that could help. You realized it was your FOO, so maybe if I can see where mine comes from I can start to control it better.

Thank you for seeing my strength and progress.. It is so hard to see both of those things for me. I see my failings and that this is hard for me so I feel weak. It is good to hear so much of the opposite. I need to be patient, but you are right it is hard because I wish I could just be done with it already. I am glad you have been out of the worst of yours for that long, one day I will say that (not rushing that one I promise, it is just good to think of being able to say it). I am sorry you have had difficulties like that, I know my first therapist did re traumatize me and there have been many things that did that,  but I am always sad to see others with that experience

Your honesty is great, I am glad you are working on it as well, and that suggesting it will help pave it in your brain for you. You deserve to be patient and kind to yourself so much.  :hug: :hug: Thank you for sharing your experience to help me. I am forever grateful. Being in a transition period in my life and going through recovery I am finding to be difficult so I am beyond grateful for any wise words or kindness that is offered to me. Being 23, between degrees, moving, starting a new job, and financially as stable as a stereotypical 20 somethings is crazy on it's own. I don't have five seconds to breathe somedays. This forum has been a life saver because you are all so kind to me. I never expected to have such kindness in my life

My anxiety is through the roof today.. I want to run so far away from everything. From dealing with recovery... from moving to my new place, from all of the things I need to get done tonight. I just want to run away... I can't do that. I need to try to shove my abuse all the way to the back today. I can't handle it and everything I need to get done tonight... I am already exhausted and am in for an exhausting night. I just need to get moved to the new place and have one less worry on my plate.

Not running is really difficult right now. my anxiety and stress has that response so triggered it is crazy. I haven't felt like running like this in a really long time. I haven't had this much issue getting food down in the morning in a long time...

Recovery is hard.. and I wish I could just be working on that, and the rest of life would melt away but that is just not possible

 :hug:
Do you guys and girls in the English-speaking world learn a bank vault visualisation technique? You put whatever is a bit too much into a bank vault for a while, so that you can get on with whatever you are meant to be getting on with IRL. This can give you a day's break. And maybe help you not to feel like running. It is a way of shoving the abuse out of sight and mind for a while.

Blueberry, I learned something similar in therapy about a month ago. I am slowly getting better at using it. I still have a hard time using it when I need it the most. I really struggle with visualization, it is taking a lot of practice. We learn the container rather than a bank vault. We can pick whatever type of container feels right for us.

Mine looks like a jewelry box that was my grandmothers. Somewhere I can organize the thoughts and put them in categories and store them. I am new to it, so it isn't an immediate reaction when I am in a state where I want to run away yet.

I realize I was feeling this way because I had so much to do, and had to deal with too many strangers that could have hurt me today. They didn't but I think my subconscious was really scared for me. Didn't help one of them had the same name as my abuser so I think it just caught me off guard. MY life has just been a crazy whirlwind and I need it to slow down for just a little bit. It is all starting to show in my mental state and really my physical state as well.

Yesterday was a tough one, but a good one as well. all but what is in my car (I was so exhausted at that point that I didn't empty the last bit) is move fully. I now need to organize the very large mess that is my apartment but it will come with some time.

I found it much harder to leave my old space than I had imagined. I really haven't talked to my partner since Monday and am really struggling with that. She sees my messages (one of which was an ask for comfort yesterday) that she just doesn't respond to but I am getting more and more worried that this isn't going to work for me. I love her but if she can't at least answer with a hug or a what's wrong than how can I feel like she is participating in my life or really cares at all

Ugh... For now I just need to stay focused on staying awake and getting a lot done at work but it is going to be difficult. Little me is really feeling the need for some comfort in all of this. My instinct to run and get out of everything has been so high lately. I am starting to lower it, but it is terrifying. I know I have a friend coming on Sunday so I just need to make it there. Having her will truly help me.

I can't make a decision about my relationship right now so I need to let myself feel some peace for now. Just hugging my inner child while I can... I have neglected her some and have pushed myself really hard the last week. I just need to rest at some point.

 :hug:  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you. I am trying to find a new routine.. and a healthy one. It is such a challenge and so much is changing at once I am really just trying to survive it all. I know I need to find healthy though. I have found it is difficult,  because I don't truly know what healthy looks like.

having just moved out of my relationship, my home, and my adopted country, i can truly relate to being all over the place at once.  it's just so much in such a short time.  but, i'm convinced that time will help ease some of this.

i'm also looking forward to sun., when my daughter and i will go grocery shopping.  she's so very grounding for me.  until then, we'll hang together and let these 2 days pass.  sun. will be here soon, and, in the end, we're going to be ok.  just hang on with me.  hugs.

I am right there hanging on with you  :hug: We will make it through this chaotic time. I can't imagine leavinf my country as well, and applaud you for all the strength you have been showing.

Thank you for sharing in this journey with me :hug:

Elphanigh I just read the 9 pages of your journal.  I'd like to say - or repeat if anyone else has said -

You are not alone.  Everyone's experience is unique; yours was terrible, but, you are not alone in that. 
You are such a tough babe to be facing all this.
I'm so grateful that you have a therapist you have a good relationship with!
and I love you.

That is such a large amount of reading to do. It amazes me you read through all of that stuff. Thank you for taking time, and caring to do that.

It is a comfort to not be alone, although I always wish it was just me so no one else had to deal with it. Sadly there is more to my experience than even this journal shows. I am constantly learning more about it.
Thank you for calling me tough, I am trying to be. I feel very weak at times because this stuff can knock me down a lot. My T is fantastic, I will get to see her weekly soon which will be a tremendous thing.

I don't know your story, but I will read your journal as well. I know you are not alone now matter what it holds. I love you too. I am right there with you

Yeah, no one wants anyone to have to go through anything like that.  It happens more often than people know.  My mom was a psychiatrist and (super inappropriately) shared stories of patients she'd have over the years; I myself have two friends whose stories are sadly similar to yours; and lately as I've been reading about early brain development and how childhood experience effects brain development I've come across too many stories and numbers.   Have you read anything by Bruce Perry?

And um yeah, the fact that you are functioning at all is freaking amazing.  You are a warrior.  You went through an extended period of trauma on par with... I don't even want to come up with something.  My therapist tells me 'it's amazing that you're functioning at all' and if that's true of me than girl it is definitely true of you!

Yeah, no one could ever wish to go through this. I would go through it again to save other people though if I could. It is sad to hear you know people's whose stories are similar. It always hurts me to see people go through any trauma... I know I went through an extensive amount but try not to compare at all. It is bad of your mom to have done that, but it would give you a view of what happens in the world.

I haven't read anything by Bruce Perry, but I have read a lot. It is both truly difficult to accept and helpful to know that trauma like mine really does affect brain development. It explains parts of me that I otherwise have no explanation for, but it also is hard to admit my brain functions differently that "normal" people.

Thank you, my Therapist has told me that as well. She is impressed by the fact I am functioning and hold jobs etc... She is not sure how I lived, let alone how I managed all that I have without anyone. That is again both a comfort and terrifying for me. It puts in perspective all that I have been through for me.. I am really bad about minimizing my abuse.

I like to think of myself as a warrior but it is hard to remember when I feel like running away or falling apart. You too are a warrior. I did read your journal this morning and had forgotten (see memory problems for that brain development issue)

I am not sure what I would put it on par with... I left all of that abuse only to end up in abusive relationships in High school. and one with a narcissistic teach in college.. so idk. Most of my life has been abusive.. I am not sure I want to figure out what is on par with that. It is a reality that scares me. I don't have all my memories (they are coming back).. and even without them I don't yet have the ability to accept it all as a whole.

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 22, 2017, 07:34:01 PM
I haven't read anything by Bruce Perry, but I have read a lot. It is both truly difficult to accept and helpful to know that trauma like mine really does affect brain development. It explains parts of me that I otherwise have no explanation for, but it also is hard to admit my brain functions differently that "normal" people.

Huge, huge hugs, Elphanigh! I'm quoting this to make the point - different, not defective, not wrong, just different. And, the best part - the brain is a lot more flexible than previously understood! So, your difference could be what makes you an emotional genius - in my opinion.

For someone who suffered and survived what you did, you are amazing to function at all, I wholeheartedly agree. I'd go one further, there is some part of you that you were able to protect and keep pure, your heart. This is why I say you are an emotional genius.

If you look at most geniuses, they had serious to profound struggles early in life. The fact that their brains became wired differently than others is what also gave birth to their genius, in my opinion.

I don't know what you do in your life or what struggles you face day-to-day. I do know that, in this time I've got to know you on this forum, I have seen true emotional genius. Making the simple connection that escaped the rest of us (Three good things). Opening up your heart to so many of us fellow travelers. Supporting others as a way to shore up your own world. To me, that is emotional genius.

I'm not saying this to blow sunshine up your skirt or to inflate your ego. I'm calling what I see as what I see. You walk among the giants, my friend. Even though your name may not ever be a household name, you are well suited to the calling. I am honored to be able to call you friend. You are teaching me so much about what it is to be a friend. Thank you.

:bighug:

Wife#2, that was so amazing to read. I read it a few times just to absorb it. I can't imagine being able to teach you anything. You have always been a wonderful friend, and such a light on this forum. I know a little of what you do day to day but not a ton. Here you are such a helping hand and a beautiful friend  :hug: I am so grateful to call you a friend as well.

Emotional genius, that is one I have never heard before. I do all those things you stated but just naturally so. I never think much of being supportive of others, it just is for me. I love the reminder that it is different not wrong. To hear you say such high praise of my ability is amazing. I do truly think I saved my heart somehow.

I am still so amazed that the Three Good Things thread has done so much here... I really expected it to be a bit of a dud.

Daily I am working a property tax job for now. It is temporary until I go to grad school next year hopefully. I face a lot of day to day challenges that are normal to most people that have lots of student debt, and troubled families. I research a lot, because I am working on a huge paper on German philosophical aesthetics so I can get into a masters and eventually phd for philosophy. I want to teach new thinkers through that. This world needs open minded problem solvers. I am a musician and artist so to teach aesthetics and give it more light in the world is so important to me. I feel like good thinkers and the arts go hand in hand. I wish I could be a more outspoken advocate for people with Cptsd and other abusive pasts and such... I don't fully have it in me. So I find a way to affect the world for better while I am here.

Sorry I get excited on that subject. My research is kind of like a kid for me... along with my cat haha

Thank you for such your kindness. I will come back to your post to remind myself of what you call genius. That was very heart felt, and I believe you when you say you are just calling it as you see it. Thank you for seeing such great things in me. Know that I am learning a lot from you as well . :bighug:

i echo wife2's sentiments and thoughts.  there she is, again, with another brilliant catch phrase for us to wallow in and enjoy - emotional genius.  good one, wife2!!!  you're not so bad yourself!

elphanigh, your heartfelt goals for the future speak so highly of you and that great heart wife2 talked about.    that reminds me of harry potter (one of my favorite stories), how dumbledore told him that with all the horrors he had in the past, it was the love he kept in his heart that would allow him to be the leader he was meant to be. 

i see the same for you, sweetie.  love and hugs, always!

Thank you for echoing her thoughts. It is so heart warming to hear from you two. I do really just wish to have the wisdom and caring that you both have shown me.

Also Harry Potter reference is perfect, I love that story too. I do love that you think that phrase rings true for me.

Much love and hugs for you too  :hug: :hug: Let me know how your appointment goes today

sweetie, you already have the caring - it's very apparent.

as for wisdom, well, i don't know how wise i am.  i draw from experiences i've had over time.  since i've had a lot more of both than you, i've managed to have some different perspectives on things at times.  yours will come as you keep moving forward, learning, seeing what's around you, formulating opinions, changing them and yourself as you get older.  there's no magic formula, that's for sure.  just one foot in front of the other.

you'll get to exactly where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.  you are very special.   big hug!

Awe, thank you. For what it is worth, I think you are wise in the way you have learned to react to things. You do have many years on me to have learned that. I am working on it as I go certainly.

You are sweet to have so much faith in me, and think me so special. It is nice to hear that. I am trying to learn to see in me, what you and other people like Wife#2 do :hug: