Finding my self expression triggered massive EF

[EverPure]

So in the past three weeks I've been working on creative writing and been working specifically on finding my authentic authors voice. What I didn't bargain on was a massive triggering of EF's that has pretty much written this week off in terms of getting things done. I realised that all this time in my life I've not been using my own voice in life, but my mother's voice and personality. I realised now I have no idea what my own self expression actually looks and sounds like.

To the extent that today I actually felt life threatening primal fear around the idea of finding my own voice. It's strange, one would not think that doing something an innocuous and self-caring as simply taking practical steps to learn to write (it's been my dream) could trigger such deep seated fear. But it's there.

[sanmagic7]

i also write, everpure, and my writing takes on different forms at different times.  but, i've also been able to use it as an outlet for the feelings that have come up for me, especially anger.  i've discovered that writing out some of the poison helps clarify things for me, and brings up realizations that shed light on issues in my life.

i've been living a life that has been brought to an abrupt halt this week by some realizations i learned here.  it, too, made me wonder and feel fear about who i really was, what i'm supposed to feel and be like.  it was overwhelming and shattering to me because i didn't know what to do about this new me that's emerging, who i don't know, and don't have a clue as to what she's like. 

i took the day off yesterday, with the express purpose of just vegging out to let some stuff possibly settle.  i feel a bit better today, but don't know if i need more 'veggies' yet.  i'm taking baby steps right now in dealing with this, with finding out who i am, what my own true voice is.  clearly unknown. 

i have no doubt you'll find yours, just like i'll find mine.  it may take some time, may be bumpy in spots, but it'll show itself eventually.  i think i'm saying this for my sake as much as yours right now!  just writing it out helps. 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Hi EverPure, what a lovely name!

It's great that you're pursuing your dream of creative writing now and it's helping you find your own voice.

When I started journaling about twelve years ago, the words didn't flow as easily from my pen as they do now. I do feel it helped me work through some difficult situations when I was totally alone.

I do a fair bit of creative writing and sometimes go into memories of experiences to write about them which can be unsettling or triggering. I find that I need to relive a feeling or experience in order to express it as well as I can in words, even if it's for a work of fiction, and this is where I need to ensure that I am in a grounded space first. Daytime is generally safer, I find.

Maybe the fear of finding your voice stems from childhood, and being hurt when you spoke up? Writing can be sooo therapeutic. I always get a wonderful high from being published: being heard, read, acknowledged. It's the best feeling I know.   

Good luck with your writing!! 

[EverPure]

Thanks to both of you.

I started out stream of consciousness style journaling and had no difficulty there. Easily able to express what I felt and yes even the not so nice thoughts about myself and FOO. I hit the wall when I decided to pen fiction though. I wrote probably 10 or so chapters before my inner critic jumped in and told me it was all rubbish and not the right story and had the wrong characters. I suffered a bit of a meltdown over it because it triggered my need for perfection and my inability to give myself a learning curve.

I've taken this week to just let the feelings come, the fear, the anger the whole nine yards and honestly I feel sick like I have a virus I'm so exhausted. I just didn't expect that. But I do have a story plotted out now and I've learned the value of planning in this and am happy to let the project rest for a few more days while I settle again. It's the darndest things which trip us up.

[Fen Starshimmer]

I hit the wall when I decided to pen fiction though. I wrote probably 10 or so chapters before my inner critic jumped in and told me it was all rubbish and not the right story and had the wrong characters. I suffered a bit of a meltdown over it because it triggered my need for perfection and my inability to give myself a learning curve.

Oh EverPure, how horrible! I think it happens quite a lot to writers though.... including myself. We put so much of ourselves into it, and then the doubts creep in. I can confess to having written seven chapters of a novel and put it on the back burner for the last year because of a few negative comments in a writers peer review group - some were put off by me mixing a bit of the supernatural with crime. It shattered my confidence and I felt like binning the whole thing. I can't bear to read it now. On the other hand, I know of writers who have done several re-writes on a story to get it right and gone on to be published.

I've taken this week to just let the feelings come, the fear, the anger the whole nine yards and honestly I feel sick like I have a virus I'm so exhausted. I just didn't expect that. But I do have a story plotted out now and I've learned the value of planning in this and am happy to let the project rest for a few more days while I settle again. It's the darndest things which trip us up.

Sounds like a good plan. I can't help feeling this will be some story, given the amount of planning and intensity of feelings attached to it.  Some say, just get the first draft done without holding back, being perfectionist etc, and then go back and edit, and re-edit. I'm sure it'll work out brilliantly in the end.

[sanmagic7]

hey, fen,

i think the mix of crime and the supernatural sounds mysterious and exciting.  i do hope you finish it one day.   best of luck to all writers out there - it's a difficult arena, like any of the creative arts, where we put ourselves out there to be judged. 

[Fen Starshimmer]

Sanmagic, Thanks for the encouragement. I do feel like I want to complete this story. I put so much time and energy into it, and I really loved getting lost in the plot. I got to feeling like my characters were real people with real lives - still do  I think it takes confidence and belief to keep going. Maybe I should finish it before showing chapters to peer review groups. Being judged seems to put a halt to my writing, I get blocked....  Sounds like you know what I am talking about. 

[sanmagic7]

indeed i do, fen!

my daughter has a publishing co. that likes to take on adult fantasy/sci.fi books that are out of the ordinary.  she also is an editor - thorough, encouraging, non-judgmental (yes, for a fee - it's part of her business).  when you finish your book, i can let you know how to connect with her, if you like.  it might be a fit.

whatever you decide, i support you all the way!  big hug!

[Fen Starshimmer]

Sanmagic, thank you for the hugs and support for my writing. It means a lot. Especially as I have been going through a particularly tough week with lots of self-doubt.

Your daughter has yet another wonderful talent (as well as the energy work you mentioned before). I feel so lucky to have made this connection with you. Just knowing that your daughter has a publishing co and is an editor in the genre outlined has given me a boost to get back to my book. I have been battling terrible fatigue and migraine-types of headaches over the past few years and recently got diagnosed with meningitis - although not full blown, thankfully, and the medicines seem to be working, allowing me more time with a clear head. This should help me get back to my project.

Hugs back to you Sanmagic   You are amazing.