Berceuse's journal

[Three Roses]

  Standing with you, berceuse.

[sanmagic7]

that is a lot of hard work you're doing, digging down into the depths of everything.  well done, my dear.  i've done that kind of thing myself, and, while it can be tough, it's also been extremely helpful to me to fit all those pieces together.

i don't doubt there's a connection.  you'll find it, of that i'm sure.   supporting you all the way.  big hug full of determination and love.

[berceuse]

Thank you Threeroses and Sanmagic,
I feel so tired but I also want to write. I want to know how I spend my days, how I feel, what I think... I want to know my parts. I think I don't need to be perfect or sb else to gain the trust of my parts.
When I first encountered OOTS, I also started Peter Garlech's parts work. Then I quit but inner family systems still make sense to me.
I can't quite tell the difference between managers and protectors. I don't know the managers. Protectors protect the most vulnerable parts of me. I read sth like this in "Body keeps the score". The exiles are the most vulnerable parts/feelings. Love, joy, trust, sadness.

Whenever I want to get closer to sb (incl. myself?), I start imaginary conversations. They are mostly like pop quizzes. If s/he asks this, how should I answer, what should I tell about myself, is s/he going to like it, then I start to imagine their reactions. I do this most of the day. It is so tiring. I always try to get ready for possible exams/ try to guess reactions and what am I going to say, in return. I am so tired of this. I don't have that much energy now to always be ready for unexpected attacks. Maybe, this is also a protection. My capacity to love and connect lies underneath.  I am not sure. The core idea is that they won't like me the way I am. If I don't give the right answer, they won't like me, I will get hurt again.

Second thing is that when I try to let myself be vulnerable enough to get help, I become so aggressive and angry. I have seen this in a number of cases with my sister. When I want to trust people enough to get help, the idea connotates with giving upon my control over myself. I start to feel like a captive but the reality is she only helps me preparing my luggage because I asked her to do so. Aggressiveness protects me from putting trust in others.

[sanmagic7]

o, berceuse, i've done those imaginary conversations to death!  funny thing i discovered is that no matter how many scenarios i went over in my head, the reality never even came close.  as i've eliminated unhealthy people from my life, i've found that i haven't needed to put all that time and energy into pseud-conversations.  having relationships with healthier people seems to have dissolved all that head-banging.

i don't know much about the parts in us - haven't delved much in that direction - but i'm all for anything that helps someone make sense and find some peace.  sending you a big hug, sweetie.

[berceuse]

Thank you Sanmagic,
They never come up true indeed.
**might be triggering**
I was watching Lisa A. Romano's videos about narcissistic mothers. At some point, she said something like they take a happy child and make them miserable. It resonated with me. M did that a lot esp when my friends came over. She was loving,  cheerful, funny mother, a great cook. So perfect that all of my friends always told me how lucky I am. I thought so too but never felt it. In the meantime she would hit the most vulnerable parts with so-called jokes or emotional shows. I cant count how many times she talked about my dad's death and grandmother's Alzheimer when my friends came over to us. She knew how much distressed I felt about those subjects. She knew it made me so uncomfortable, filled with tears in the table but she was such a good-hearted woman who passed through so many unfortunate things. She did but I was there with her too. She never realized it. I even remember a sarcastic smile on her face when she saw me getting sad.
And gaslighting too. Ugh. I thought I was going crazy. I remember telling the therapist that I might be lying before I tell sth. I was warning her. I couldnt believe my own sincerety about my own thoughts, feelings. How much I doubted myself!

I am afraid that I am not healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship. I believe that a healthy relationship with healthy people requires me listening to them and them listening to me. I dont have that much of space. Maybe, it is not a matter of space. I don't know. I feel so tired and am afraid of harming people.

[berceuse]

I feel really depressed today. My voluntary work here will be over in 16th. I dont want to go back home. I am also so very tired of human interaction. I need some time alone. I feel dead inside and very tired. I know this is not depression. I am not suicidal. I dont want to go from one place to another, not holding onto anything, not feeling anything. I need one simple room that belongs to me and some time alone to heal. I feel too incapable and weak to provide those things. I feel like a retard. I * hate this. My mental capacity is hijacked by my past of which I * don't remember anything. That's why it looks like a beast. I need to know what I passed through so that I can say this, that happened and now I am okay. It passed. I can move on. I * cant move on. I dont have my feelings. I dont have my memories. I am one big grey cold rock. Heavy and dead. I feel like that. It won't last long like this. I dont want to live like this. If I go on like this, ı am gonna collapse at some point. Even collapsing is better than this.
It is good that some part of me is still trying to do something but I dont feel anything or do I? I dont feel some emotions not all of them. I feel anger but not expressing it and occasionally I feel fear and very rarely sadness. A part of me keeps on living ie doing sth, trying new things (as a solution?) but I dont live what I am doing. It is just on the surface.

[sanmagic7]

dear, sweet berceuse,  it sounds like the slump you're in is just that - a slump.  we've all been there, and they suck.  i'm just glad you can recognize that you'll make it thru.  i think that's a really good sign.

are you holding back your feelings?  or is it just something like you don't have enough energy right now to deal with them.  either way, it can be irritating, just banging on the back of your brain, or maybe just scratching back there.  it keeps letting you know they're there, even if you can't bring them forward at the moment.   

they'll come out when you're ready.  it sounds like you just need some time and space right now for yourself.  it's a rough journey at times, this recovery stuff.  keep the faith.  sending a hug filled with support and love.

[berceuse]

What does healing mean for me? Where am I now? Thinking about healing makes me future-oriented but not in a realistic way. Healing is not a future goal to attain. It is a long process happening now. So, there won't be an ideal me without C-PTSD in the future. This point of view makes me see myself (me in now) as a useless step to go through while proceeding towards the ideal.
Healing means to be able to feel what I feel, to know what I know, to be integrated. It won't happen in an uncertain time in the future. It is a process, not a salvation. So, every day matters because it gives me a chance to witness my feelings and thoughts. Even if some of them are very dark, they are just a part of me. They deserve to be seen and heard by me.
***triggering***
dear Sanmagic, I think the last time was an EF. Something a volunteer said (a joke) triggered me. It led to one of the core beliefs that I am not suitable to live, there is something inherently wrong with me. That hopelessness made me think of suicide as a reasonable option. It had happened before, it will happen again probably.

[sanmagic7]

those are core beliefs,indeed.   fundamentally challenging your right to exist. 

i agree with you about healing being a process.  i don't know that it will ever fully 'end' for me.  i'm just hoping that i will eventually be able to whittle this beast down to the size of a puppy, some size where, altho it might be a bit of a bother at times, it will be more manageable.

as far as our right to exist, i guess i just believe i wouldn't be here if i didn't have that fundamental right.  i would have never existed.  as it is, i do, so it must be what it is, and i can only do the best with it as i can.  i know that might be a bit existential, but does it make any sense to you?   i believe you deserve to exist because you already do.

sending a big hug filled with clarity and love.

[berceuse]

Thank you Sanmagic for your answer.
I think I may need help. I can't write down everything here. I can't talk about certain depressive things to people. Loneliness is a real setback. I feel like I need to hide how depressed I feel inside. I think this point of view is related to the trauma. Maybe not. I wonder if sadness and hopelessness are really communicable feelings to somebody except therapy and forms of art. They feel like a forbidden zone to me. When you get closer to the hopelessness side of that line, you need to pretend fine because no one wants to hear it. Even sadness. No one wants to talk about that.
What does truly connecting with someone mean? Letting know what is really going on inside, who you really are. Is it possible?

[sanmagic7]

maybe you do need help, sweetie.  maybe that's the only way you can let out those deepest, darkest feelings and find a positive connection.  since i haven't had a competent t for so long, i've taken the chance and let out that crapola here on this forum.  it was my only place.

i'm glad i did - it worked well for me, and i do feel connections with people here.  maybe it wouldn't work for you.  i don't know.  it's something so very personal that you're the only one who can make that decision.  i do know that i wouldn't be put off by any of your dark feelings.  i do believe they are caused by the trauma. 

depression may need the help of a professional, maybe even meds to get you thru it.  are you seeing someone?  is that an option for you? 

i hope you know that whatever you choose, i totally support you.  this recovery gig is so very individual, and we all have to figure out the best way for our healing to continue.  sending you a hug filled with tenderness and acceptance and love.

[Three Roses]

I hope the forum can be a therapeutic outlet for you, where you feel you can say exactly how you're feeling. Hugs to you, dear berceuse.

[Blueberry]

***triggering***
Something a volunteer said (a joke) triggered me. It led to one of the core beliefs that I am not suitable to live, there is something inherently wrong with me. That hopelessness made me think of suicide as a reasonable option. It had happened before, it will happen again probably.

Dear Berceuse,
I feel for you here. i get triggered by remarks, words, jokes. I also have a very deep-seated belief that I'm not entitled to exist. I no longer feel this belief so deeply or so often, but when things get really bad, then yes, I feel it again. Standing with you because I know how bad the feeling is and the desperation of: what can I do with this feeling? Where can I express it?

Being able to express it as words has helped me, it defuses the situation a bit. I have (almost) always been able to say "I feel like throwing in the towel, but I'm not going to." So even a friend or two who I said that to or of course doctors knew the lie of the land. 

Of course you have a right to exist! I don't know much about your history, but I'm presuming that in the past somebody close to you either said or acted as if you didn't have a right to exist, or maybe somebody is still doing that. IME it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the other person and something that was done/said to them or some inherent problem they have.

This forum has become a really good outlet for me, I hope it can be that way for you too. I do have friends off-the-board who understand a lot, (usually because they've been thru bad times and a lot of healing too) and through them I know that there are people who do want to hear how it really is and how you really are. Though I do know that there are people who definitely don't want to. On this forum however more people willing to listen and hear than on average. I hope you can get to a stage where you can express more here in a way that feels safe but also helpful to you. 

[berceuse]

***It might be triggering***
Dear Sanmagic, ThreeRoses and Blueberry,

Thank you so much for your replies it really saved my day. I don't know if I really have the intention to do it but I just plan it and think about it too much. I think it is triggering for people to talk about it here that's why I can't say much. Maybe I can talk about the feelings that cause me to think like that but I am not particularly feeling anything; they are more like thoughts which are most probably trauma based as you said.

I try to be an observer of those repetitive thoughts and not to dwell in them or act upon them but it is not always easy.

This forum was life-saving for me. I can't imagine still not knowing what I am dealing with; thinking that I am crazy.

I don't know much about my history either I just show the symptoms of narc abuse and c-PTSD but I am not a professional so I can't diagnose them with NPD or anything.

I am not seeing a professional. A psychiatrist and meds are accessible but therapy is not financially possible right now.
I will give myself a week starting with today and if it still goes on like that I will try the first option. I don't want to wake up every day and plan it. It is a terrible way to start a new day. I deserve to live new days.

I did some drawing today. It had been a long time since I did not draw anything. It is nice that ı can do it without feeling anxiety. There are some good sides of feeling numb.

I think I am not totally depressed. Maybe, I am flashbacking to sth again. I just don't know.

[sanmagic7]