Berceuse's journal

[Three Roses]

When outside validation is all we have, that's what we seek. I do this too. I'm working on inwardly validating myself, giving myself the freedom to be imperfect, and cleaning up that desolate inner landscape that I have, too. 

[berceuse]

Thank you Three Roses,
I need to try self-validation, too. I am just trying so hard to fit in. I mean to fit into other people's definition of acceptable, nice, successful person; particularly, people whom I care about. It is related to codependency, I guess. I am doing it a lot: trying to change myself so hard because the way I am is unacceptable. This also means that I don't accept myself the way I am. So, I get lost a lot.  I am trying so hard to stop constant daydreaming which is the way how I think about everything. I do this because I need to be realistic, I need to go out with my friends on a regular basis, I need to have a hobby, I need to have a boyfriend, I need to get into a 9-5 job with a good salary, I need to talk more, I need to be funny,  outgoing, beautiful, hardworking... No! I don't need to be anything more than who I am right now. I like daydreaming and thinking about endless possibilities. It is how I think. I don't care about not being a social, popular person. I have never been and it is OK. I never had a boyfriend or anything similar to a relationship. This is Ok, too. Most of the time, I love being alone. I don't need to be constantly occupied with something "efficient". I quit many jobs. I don't make even the half of the money my friends do. I don't need to. I don't even have a credible plan for future. I mostly act upon impulse and feelings. Maybe, this is better for me, now. I don't think I am wasting my time. I don't need to be sorry or anxious for doing what I like. I can give myself permission to feel what I feel, to do what I like. If I still feel so sad by not being loved by my mother, then I need to feel sad. I am not weak or stupid bcs of that. If I still feel very angry, then this means I need to be angry. Time does not invalidate my right to be angry. Writing this is hard for me. I start to feel frozen. 

[berceuse]

Giving myself permission to feel what I feel. Today, I am going out with my friends from university and I am wearing something colorful. I usually wear black, grey, dark colors etc. The thing or feeling? that come to me is that I will look ridiculous and I will feel humiliated because of the color of my pants. No one is going to like it. Then I will be sad. So, I won't be funny or entertaining anymore. Then they will not talk to me because I will be nothing if I am not funny.  I have never known I feel that insecure. I will not try to prove how meaningless this is with reason. It obviously is but I feel that way. At least, a part of me feels that way. I wonder how many times I got rejected for trying to be myself.

[sanmagic7]

berceuse, i wouldn't doubt that you have rejected yourself far more than anyone else rejected you.  we were trained well to take up the banner of someone else's beliefs and make them our own.  and how terribly difficult it is at times to lay that banner down, burn it, and be done with it.

i give you so much credit for wearing what you want instead of what you think might be 'acceptable' to someone else.  i see so much progress there.  same goes for knowing that your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel them.  i hope you enjoy your day.  big hug filled with love and warm acceptance.

[berceuse]

Hi Sanmagic7,

Thank you for seeing progress in me. I did have a nice day. Just writing what I felt worked really good.

"i wouldn't doubt that you have rejected yourself far more than anyone else rejected you"

I guess you are right about this. It is not easy to see this at all; I mean how I carry on the pattern once it was programmed as a default system. This is just disgusting. I feel angry but I feel angrier, guilty or uneasy perhaps for starting to take care of my self/soul. I just realized this. I feel so uneasy (I am not sure about the word that defines the feeling-that uncomfortable heavy feeling in stomach and heart that tells you sth is wrong). Exactly! That was the voice in my head, I am doing it all wrong. I am doing sth wrong. I feel this since I start to pay attention to what I feel or ask myself questions like what do you need. Hahaha. I am really laughing. I feel so guilty for trying to understand my needs and feelings.    My body is warning me with those feelings because I am trying to leave the predefined territory.  This is a big realization for me.

[berceuse]

Yesterday, I came to another city in my hometown to do some voluntary work in nature.  I don't know if I am doing this bcs I am interested or just for running away from EF's, terrible ups and downs each day. The emotional storms subside outside that city where I stay with my sister but I also feel frozen and detached here. I know I am interested in nature and wildlife but I just feel so detached.

Anyway, the good part is, I spent half an hour taking photographs of trees and plants. I really felt that I am focusing on sth. It was nice. I talked with the owner of the land and the subject somehow came to trauma and body and homeopathy. I talked a little bit about the "the body keeps the score".
I am not knowledgeable about homeopathy but the idea of body's healing itself makes sense to me. They also specialize in medicinal plants. I hope I can start to feel less frozen and more open to learning sth.

[berceuse]

I wanted to write down here sth that happened and I think I see it as success/progress.
I am very inclined to get closer? to people who show narcissistic traits. In short, I end up putting their emotions, wants, needs, interests over mine and become a servant to them. I slowly lose my sense of self. This kind of pattern started with mother and then continued with a friend and a boss. Maybe there are more that I did not recognize yet. The relationship usually begins with their acting me as if I am the most special person on earth. I don't want to go into details right now. So the thing is the landowner of the farm in which I am a volunteer had a similar approach with me. He acted as if he is a master and I am the chosen follower of his teachings. It was really like that and I opened myself again telling how weak and alone I am. He was like I am going to heal you just give me your time and he separated me from the rest of the volunteers and even told me he doesnt like some of them because of blabla. (ıt is very similar in all four relations I had before). He was also a little bit touchy and that made me really uncomfortable. I just realized it now. Ugh. So the thing is I felt frozen and uneasy, not knowing why. Then when I was lying in bed at night something clicked for me. I attract narcissists a lot. I was not sure. I am still not sure. A part of me is always second-guessing. Then for the first time in my life I decided to choose to stay within a group rather than being an outsider or an easy bait?  and it went well and I learnt that actually many volunteers do not like him much. They say he acts like a dictator sometimes. I still mostly feel frozen but not uncomfortable or uneasy. I think I broke a cycle. A part of me says Oh you are trusting yourself too much but I think I am right about this.

[Three Roses]

This sounds like a definite change in pattern for you!! Yay! 

[sanmagic7]

i think you are right, too.

i've learned that narcissists, like any predator, will always go for the young, the weak and the vulnerable.  i can definitely see that in many of my relationships.  staying with the 'herd', as it were, will give you more strength and protection.   well done, sweetie.  that is a major realization for you, and i'm so happy you were able to come to it.

sending you a big hug full of love and awareness.

[berceuse]

Thank you ThreeRoses and Sanmagic. I think I made a right decision.
Sometimes I feel so dead inside and I need to push myself to act like I am alive. I think I need to make some decisions about the course of my life. What do I want to do? Where do I want to live? These are big questions for me but I feel the need to be back on track again. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to focus on right now. If I want to focus on healing, the city and a regular job is not a good option and it is obvious that I cant manage them both before my previous experiences. Besides, I need to be doing sth in my real life. It has been 1 and a half years since my graduation and I need something stable, something to hold onto because it makes everything worse. At least, I don't want to have so much worries about my real life. So, getting back on track is also necessary for healing. I am going to think about the options.

[sanmagic7]

hey, berceuse,

if i may suggest, how about starting with something small?  city and job are awfully big subjects.  could you think of something that would be positive for you, that would still be heading you back on track, only in a smaller way?  maybe to incorporate some routine or daily ritual that has a healing effect on you and helps you see options in a clearer way.

just a thought.  i know this stuff can be a struggle to the nth degree.  i wish you all the best.  i think, actually, that taking time to think about it is a step in the right direction itself.  sending you a hug filled with clarity and decisiveness.

[berceuse]

Hello Sanmagic,
Thank you for your suggestions, I always appreciate them and any other comment.
I am thinking about what you said and you are really right about starting with something small otherwise I usually end up in an anxiety spiral.
Maybe, I can start the day with 10 min meditation. The mornings are especially the hardest part of the day for me. My mind immediately throws itself into negative thought loops and it usually sets the mood of the day. Meditation in the morning can give me some control over that.
For the more future-oriented plans, I am thinking about making some research on grad schools. Previously, I got too overwhelmed and gave up on it but this time I will just do it to see what area of study is interesting to me. Lists and application are the next steps if I am really interested in it. If I am not, then I will think about other possibilities.

I wish you all the best.

[berceuse]

I think the knowledge of what I am recovering from will make everything more clear for me. I am recovering from narcissistic abuse. It was not easy to accept this. The first thing that got me here, OOTS, was also narc abuse. The pieces fit.

The best part of volunteering is, whenever I do it, I meet a lot of nice people. Whenever I take a step out of my ordinary life and the city, it returns with some rewards (a new friend, a realization, trust...). I think there are a lot of nice people here and out there with whom I can be vulnerable. Starting my life with people who undermines my trust to people, the world, myself is not my fault. I can rewrite this. I still got that gut feeling that shows me when someone does not carry good intentions. It is weak but it will grow stronger slowly as I choose to listen to them. This process does not need to be a fight against myself. It is a journey in which I will make some choices towards finding my authentic voice despite the pattern which was initially formed for my survival. I don't need to fight with anything. I know I'll find my way.

[sanmagic7]

berceuse, to me, your last 2 posts show a lot of progress, like your adult you is coming to the fore and looking at your situation more realistically.  kudos to you, sweetie.  i'm really, really glad for you. 

i really like your idea about starting your day in a grounding way for yourself.  i like having a routine for myself as well.  it feels like it has a stabilizing effect.  and i think this new/different approach to grad schools has a very positive light to it.  it's like you're finding a pace that suits you, one that you can manage, and isn't that what we all need?  something individual, personal, our very own.

sending you a hug filled with love and encouragement.  you'll get to where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.

[berceuse]

I don't want to lose track of time and sometimes writing here is a lot easier for me than writing in my written journal and/or in my mother tongue. So, the adult me is sometimes there. She does the planning, calms me down and goes. Which part am I now? I feel frozen. When I ask the age, the answer is 12. My vision is blurry. I feel distant. Ok. This is a protection. From what am I protecting myself? From which memories or feelings attached to that memories? I feel like crying but I dont know the reason. Maybe, I dont need to know. A part of me feels deeply sad. She does. My upper back has been hurting a lot since 2-3 weeks. I think they are related somehow.
It is so loud here. I am now in another city, volunteering. I stayed in the last place for a week and now plan to stay here for two. I want to talk about this because I think it is related to my healing. The job but it is so loud.I cant even hear my own thoughts.