Can't do therapy

[sam145]

I'll try to keep this short, but my life gets more complicated the more I try to fix it. Here goes.

So in the past year, my boyfriend and I have finally gotten our own place. Only now have I realized how messed up the multiple households I've grown up in were. I've been on antidepressants for about a year, and they've worked wonders. Once I came out of the depression, I figured out that the problem was deeper than that, and I got diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I've always been very smart and obedient, which is why I always faked being "normal". I was punished or humiliated for the symptoms throughout childhood. Now that I know how my brain works and I'm becoming more accepting of myself, I feel like I'm on the track to becoming a person who can have healthy relationships and interactions. I still struggle with massive amounts of anxiety though as well as pretty severe trust issues. I'm doing my best to manage it through mindfulness, self-reflection, etc.

The main problem is that therapy/counseling is my worst trigger. Even just thinking about it now, my mind is beginning to cloud, my throat is closing up, and my hands are shaking. I'd rather not go into the entire backstory, but basically my parents have made me go to counsellors (who always took their side) for the wrong reasons during at least 3 separate periods of my childhood/teenage years. I've really tried to force myself to go despite the negative reactions, but I'd have panic attacks in the days leading up to the appointment and be in a frozen haze for days afterwords. I genuinely tried to get something out of the appointments instead of just trying to forget about them the moment I leave the room, but that only caused more anxiety and panic attacks outside of the sessions. This is the third time I've started seeing a counsellor by my own decision, and it only seems to get worse every time.

It feels like absolutely no one else has this problem. And it makes it very hard for me to get advice for other people struggling with mental health because it's everyone's go-to solution and they follow it up with "Therapy is supposed to be difficult" whenever I bring this up. I guess what I'm looking for here is advice from someone who has dealt with this and found a way to overcome it, or maybe someone who has helped themselves without therapy. It feels like mindfulness and self-reflection are helping me, but it's very discouraging when others act like therapy is the only route to recovery, and I wonder if I'm actually recovering or just starting to feel good.

[Wife#2]

What you're going through must be so difficult! I can only imagine it's like those who suffer from food addiction - you can't exactly STOP being around food! So, how does one manage to get well in the face of such a huge obstacle?

Yes, I have been to several therapists in my time. So, I can't say that it hasn't worked for me. But, right now therapy isn't exactly an option (financial and other personal reasons). I've been working through a lot all by myself.

This website has helped tremendously. I can come here when I'm feeling triggered, or when I just need to talk to people who understand. That feeling you've had where things get more complicated the more you try to work on it - I've described it myself and seen others who describe it as a whack-a-mole feeling. You knock one down and two more pop up! So, even in that feeling you are not alone.

I hope that you feel comfortable enough to return here, as you are ready. This can be a very healing place with lots of support and encouragement. The community feeling is real. It's helpful. It's validating. It's even healing! At least for me.

I do believe that it is possible to work through a lot of our issues with a community like this one. I hope we can help you. Welcome to Out of the Storm!

[radical]

Welcome Sam145.  Glad to have you here.

Individual therapy is not the only treatment for cPTSD, there are many things that help, most especially body work such as yoga, tai chi and qi gong, meditation/mindfulness, journaling, and healthy and respectful relationships in which you are accepted as you are.

It sounds like you were badly hurt and harmed by being pathologised, misunderstood and (ill) -treated for your healthy, but different cognitive style. I'm sorry this happened to you and  I'm not surprised you dread the thought of psychotherapy.  Is there someone in the ASD community you could talk with about your experiences?

[sam145]

Thank you for the replies. I'm glad to have found such a supportive and helpful community.

@radical I've only just started reaching out online about these things. Trust issues and anxiety and such. But my boyfriend is probably on the autism spectrum as well (he's undiagnosed but we both think he is, especially after my own diagnosis). He may not be, but either way, he's been very validating and accepting when it comes to these things.

[radical]

I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with Aspergers at 40 after a lifetime of (ill)-treatment including in psychotherapy, and traumatising abuse.  She wrote a book about it and has been a keynote speaker at international conferences.  Since learning she was okay and not dysfunctional she has found great joy and is one of the most inspiring people I know.  Sometimes 'recovery' is about finding out you were perfectly okay all along and that it is the community that needs to change to be more inclusive and less judgemental and cruel.

Glad you are here

[sanmagic7]

i echo what wife2 and radical have said.  the position you're in must be most difficult.  but, yes, there are other ways to heal if therapy is a problem for you.  some have been mentioned.  may i add some alternative 'therapies' such as art and music.  often they can speak to your being, not just your mind.

another famous person with asberger's is susan boyle.  she had an audition on britain's got talent in 2004 (it's on youtube), and was nearly laughed off the stage before she'd even begun, had been bullied all her life and was led to believe that she was crazy and/or retarded.  every time i watch that audition, it's inspiring. (and she wasn't even the winner!)  she now sings to sro crowds all over the world and has put out several platinum/gold albums.  she's said that when she found out she had asberger's, she was so very happy to know that she wasn't what people had told her she was.

i admire your strength, and that of your boyfriend.  you'll find your way, even if it isn't the 'conventional' way.  i've had great success tackling some of my demons through drawing and writing, as well as with the people on this forum.  therapy isn't for everybody.  so glad you made it here.

[sam145]

@sanmagic7 Funny you should mention music therapy. I actually did a couple of papers on music therapy being used for children with autism, and this was a few years ago, well before my diagnosis. Music has always been a big part of my life. It runs in the family, and I've found that I tend to be happier in general when I'm involved in a choral group or part of a play/musical. I make it a point to always be doing something musical, whether I'm part of a production or just recording covers of inspirational songs in my closet. Been getting into painting and drawing as well. I guess more than anything, I just try to find any outlet where I can explore self-expression.

[bring em all in]

Sam145-

I don't know if this helps but I just started working with a therapist who does EFT Tapping. There isn't as much traditional "talk therapy"- The focus is on current feelings, emotions, and core beliefs and "tapping" meridians (similar to acupuncture) as you recite a script.

I've also used acupuncture itself over the years to some effect. Some acupuncture practitioners have group arrangements with a sliding scale as low as $20 per session.

Also, do you think it would help if you had your therapist recite this (or something similar) at the start of each session:

"You are welcome and safe here. I am not here to judge you or "fix" you. I am here to work with you towards your goals."

I know for myself how much it helps to think of my therapist as a life coach rather than a professional whose "job" it is to mold me to fit somebody else's expectations of how/who I should be.

[sanmagic7]

sam145, it sounds like you were already on the right track but just didn't realize it.  i hope you keep going with it.  anything that helps, to my mind, is something that helps.  and if it feels good, that just helps all the more.  i hope you keep going with both your music and painting.  you are finding your way.  yay!