3R's Path of Recovery

[Candid]

This quote is great. Re. the last sentence, I do feel that sharing our experiences is helpful to others, often more than we know. That's the power of our wonderful forum.

Also, I keep meaning to tell you how much I like your signature: There's a future version of you that is proud that you were strong enough to make it. (Quoted for when you change it again. :wink:)

I'm standing beside you too, although I'm still keeping a concrete lid on my own pain while I wait for therapy.  As you know only too well, keeping a lid on it is also a tough act. As a long-ago T said to me: The only way out is through. I often regret not sticking with that one, but she was prohibitively expensive.

That breakthrough can't be too far off for you.

[Blueberry]

Agree, that quote is great!

[sanmagic7]

raging courage - that sure abounds in this place.  perfect.

[Three Roses]

Sitting here in my T's waiting room and it's jam packed with people here to attend an orientation of some kind. Nervous! 

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, I am sitting right there with you  I hope it goes well

[Candid]

Eyes on that vision of a future self. She's always calling you forwards.

[sanmagic7]

sitting right next to you, running interference with the noise and general stimulation level.  hope your session goes well.  courageous you, 3 roses.  big hug.

[Three Roses]

I have hit a snag. I was supposed to go to my therapist on 8/23 but cancelled. I now know it was because I am afraid, and I think I've got more memories that are ready to unearth themselves. At least that is what I'm afraid of.

Woke this morning after troubling dreams of not fitting in anywhere, harsh people, and witnessing abuse to innocents.

When I get this way my instinct is to run, cut all ties, hide myself away. I'm trying like "H E double hockey sticks" to not do that this time. I want to cancel all future appointments with my therapist, who is nothing but kind heated and helpful.
I welcome any honest feedback - positive or negative - from you all as I believe that will help me and help to ground me. Thanks.

[Hope66]

Hi 3Roses,
I just wanted to say that I hope that you will do what is right for you, and maybe sticking with your therapist will be better than running away and hiding - that would be my instinct about it, as I think maybe your dreams are indications that you're on the brink of something that will be a break-through, and although that's scary, maybe it is meant to be. 

You wrote that your therapist is 'kind heated and helpful' - and I repeated the typo, as my 'literal mind' read it in a few ways - and it made me smile.  I hope you don't mind my commenting on that - I think you meant to say 'kind hearted' - but I also thought that having a 'kind heated' therapist might also be a helpful thing - i.e. they were 'working on things' and things were getting to a good temperature.

Sorry - I feel a bit like I'm over-stepping the boundaries here of what is 'suggestions' - but you asked for honest feedback, and I just wanted to share my reflections with you on some thoughts that came to mind when I read what you wrote.

I wish you the best and I hope you can get over this snag and see your way forward - you are such a supportive and lovely person, and I'd like to wish you well with getting over this perceived snag.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry for all you're going through. Memories re-surfacing or on the cusp of doing so and their accompanying realisations can be awful. I know. And frightening. I'm sitting with you, if it helps.

***** TRIGGER WARNING   *****When I read about your instinct to run etc. I immediately was reminded of my inner voice which says: 'The best plan would be to end it all, throw in the towel' and of my occasional overriding impulse to pull half my hair out by the roots, all in one go. This latter is fairly unusual and it seems to come out of the blue; it would be a really ramped up version of my usual self-injury.   END of TW!!

I don't act on either impulse, actually. But the desperation is there and I'm feeling this in your post too. Unless I'm over-interpreting, which is possible.

You've reached out to us, and that's great. You're not following your flight or flight/freeze instinct completely. And you're really trying to stay, which is also great.  It sounds as if your T is good, a good match for you, so I probably don't need to recommend you stay with her and not cancel all future appointments, but this is a little reminder just in case. 

How can you make it easier for yourself not to cancel upcoming T appointments? or IOW what do you (or Inner Children) need in order to stay with your T during and after snag time?

How is grounding going? Remember wife#2 says "Breathe" and Dee has the 5 Finger Rule for the 5 senses: hear 5 things, see 4 things, feel 3 things.... or something like that counting down your fingers. I get up and stamp and pat my arms and push off walls. You might have your different method(s). Whatever they are, try and use them.

Finally, take what is useful from my post and forget the rest. 

[Three Roses]

Wow, you guys! Great insights from both of you! Thanks, it really helps 

Kind heated ... Yes, I meant "kind hearted" and that's an interesting interpretation! I think you're on to something, Hope!

Blueberry - hmmm - the answer of what to do so I don't cancel isn't coming to me right now but I'll think about that. Good input!

This community is amazing! You've helped me lots.

[woodsgnome]

Hi 3roses...,

I quickly glanced through some of the previous entries here, and found no reference to having some 'tactile' strategy to help you cope when you return to therapy (which I hope you do).

Anyway, sometimes strict talk-only therapy needs a boost to stay grounded. This can be as simple as just bringing a small but personally precious item, like a certain gem or shell, a feather perhaps, or even a puppet. You thus have a 'friend' of sorts with you, something comforting perhaps to interact with.

My T even allowed me to light some incense once--against the rules of her clinic, but...hey, she disabled the fire alarm for 5 minutes. Another time I brought a short CD with a favourite piece of music with. She also gave me a small incense stick scented with lavender to help me stay in the process (not dissociate which I'm prone to do).

Just a couple stray thoughts; sometimes I think just the pressure of thinking so much so hard might benefit from trying something tactile but simple.

Best to you...

[Three Roses]

Woodsgnome - yes! Tactile, I know exactly what to do next time to keep me from canceling. I have some different stones that represent different things to me, I'll see which are most appropriate and bring those, thanks!

I welcome any input anyone else has, positive or negative....

[Blueberry]

Blueberry - hmmm - the answer of what to do so I don't cancel isn't coming to me right now but I'll think about that.

What to do could involve those stones you were telling WoodsGnome about... Some of us might have a chat with our Therapy Teddy Bear... Leave yourself some time, an answer might just come. 

[Three Roses]