There is an awful lot of pressure to always feel happy in our culture. "How am I? Fine, thanks. Have a good day!"
I'm trying to find out who I want to be, now. Now that the blinders are off, or at least I'm aware I have always had them. It's not time to return to how I was before - it's time to just set one foot down & take a step in the direction I see now. Gather resources and individuals to myself that will aid me in that, and not hinder me.
And if I've stepped in a direction I find doesn't serve me well enough, make a course correction. The important thing is to move. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I had a boss many years ago who would say, "Do something, even if it's wrong!" I find myself thinking of this a lot lately.
I met my new therapist yesterday, and the good news is I liked him; the bad news is, he's clueless about complex ptsd. When asked, he said he'd never seen a case of ptsd that wasn't complicated. I told him the word "complex" just referred to the fact that there was more than one trauma. Ptsd is only "simple" in that there is one single event or injury - an accident, for instance. This was news to him. That I may have to educate my therapist on my condition troubles me more than a little.
But lucky for me, Kizzie has provided a ton of material for me to deluge him with! ;)
I am realizing more & more that I'm not well emotionally. How I've tried my whole life to cover up how different I feel I am, how much I feel that I don't fit in anywhere.
The anger and loneliness, the shame, confusion, and hopelessness. I feel stuck.
I think you are very brave, taking that leap of faith, opening yourself up, being seen, being prepared to change direction.
I know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling different, not finding a niche to fit into, and feel like a misfit as a result. How many of us are there?
Today I felt better, I was writing in my offline journal: "Even if I have a broken brain*, my experiences are valuable because they have been different. I mingle, I pass as normal most of the time, yet my life hasn't been. I do believe there is some value in that, that I do have something worthwhile to contribute".
There seem to be a few kinds of more comfortable track in life. They no means pain-free but they conventional enough to smooth over the rougher edges of human existence. They allow for easy translation to others and imperfect but 'good enough' understanding. People seem to fit together, they can mostly tell the truth and be open about their lives and experiences. Everyone has their secrets and sorrows, but being on a known track gives others on that track the reassurance to give each other a lot or leeway. People who aren't on a comfortable track don't get that same leeway, we are often misjudged, ignored or left out. When we talk about our lives many seem to turn away, or find some ill-fitting box to put us into, out of the way.
I think I might have chosen that for myself, as a shy person. I didn't get that choice. For a long time I tried to find a way to be acceptable to others, be better, kinder, work harder. Now what I want more than anything is to spend time with other good people who fell off, or were never on the "right track' to begin with. I feel like we have something unique to offer the world. We certainly have something valuable to offer each other. I'd like to be accepted by more "mainstream" people, but I feel that trying to earn acceptance where everyone around is just believing it is their due is dangerous and doomed. How can I be accepted if I buy into my own unacceptability?
Therapy can be a really big help when it works well, I hope it goes well for you.
*Excuse the term "broken brain" It's a shorthand to myself, not meaning to be offensive to you or to myself, just a private journal thing.
No, I feel the same, I feel my brain - not my mind - has been damaged, knocked off kilter. So I'm not offended :) :hug:
And I'm actually crying tonight! It feels so good! I haven't been able to for quite a while now, so it's progress.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
When I feel bad I long to have a proper, deep weep. So healing, so much relief. Different from just brief tears, then dissociation.
Glad you are able to do this for yourself.
Yesterday was wonderful! A situation came up between some friends and me which proved to be a catalyst, and broke the dam holding back my anger and grief. Had a good cry, and it felt wonderful. It's been at least a couple of years since I've been able to cry like that. :applause:
But I really do hope the AMA or whoever decide to call this something other than complex ptsd. It's confusing for people, makes it sounds like it's more complicated, when "complex" really means it's more than just one thing, more than one traumatic event or situation or whatever. And I think I'd like to see a distinction between those whose childhoods were relatively uneventful but developed this as an adult, and those like me whose development was skewed because of repeated trauma throughout childhood & beyond. I'm tired of trying to explain. :P
It's 4 in the morning, can't sleep, can't shut off my brain. Wide awake and exhausted. Feel stretched to my limits lately and thinking too much about every little thing and if it's right or wrong. Inner critic's working overtime.
I hope you get some rest and the chance to relax today. It's tough to have a bad night like you've had, and I hope your Inner Critic leaves you alone for a while.
Thanks, Hope. :)
I am so glad this year is over. I'm hoping the coming year will bring some much-need changes my way.
And I'm wishing for each of us here a safe and prosperous New Year. Happy New Year, everyone! :wave:
happy new year back atcha, 3 roses.
reading here, first may i say that i am so happy for you that you've taken this step. i know how you've avoided it - starting a journal of recovery. it shows how much you've grown, my dear, how much your strength and bravery are coming to the fore. and secondly, yay for healing tears! i've always believed that such tears take toxins from our bodies, which is why we feel better after such a cry. plus, beginning to get in touch with your anger is major! yay again!
also, after reading about the feeling of being a misfit, i thought of the black swans and the bell curve. (personally, i never thought of myself that way - i was able to blend so well with just enough naughtiness to keep the entertainment level high. now i see myself completely differently - a misfit of the highest degree. a black swan, if you will.)
so, the story goes like this. in the classroom, we were usually taught about the bell curve, where 80-90% of the class was located grade-wise. but there were little 'wings' at the bottom of this curve, which made it look like a bell, where the other 10-20% of the class grades landed. in life, this same phenomenon exists. most people fall into the main section of the bell curve, while the few lie to either side on the wings. doctors and many other helping professions cater to the vast majority inside this curve, often not caring or ignorant about those who reside outside the main body. a one-size-fits-all mentality.
for many, many years it was believed there were no black swans, because no one had ever seen one. the belief existed and was spread about as truth. most everyone believed it and would swear there were no black swans. until one day, someone in new zealand or thereabouts, discovered a small lagoon upon which swam - yep, black swans. finally, the actual truth, rather than the false truth, was made known. just because one didn't know there were black swans didn't mean there weren't any.
i believe now that we who are blessed/cursed with this condition called c-ptsd (and you're absolutely correct about it. it is complex as opposed to complicated because it is layer upon layer upon layer of trauma as compared to a traumatic incident. it is also different from ptsd because it is relationship-connected. ptsd is usually caused by some 'thing' rather than some person/people with whom we have a relationship.) are black swans. we are outside the main body of the bell curve, which is why we are often misdiagnosed, looked over, ignored, and not believed. we don't fit inside the box, but to explore outside the box takes time and energy and a heartfelt willingness to heal. it was a long time before those adventurers took the time and expended the energy to travel to a relatively unknown spot out of curiosity, just because they wanted to see what might be there that may have been missed in other places. and, lo and behold, they found a beautiful truth that turned out to be real.
i say blessed because you folks are a blessing to me. i think the cursed part is self-explanatory.
i hope you look up black swans to see their reality. they are some of the most beautiful birds i've ever seen. just like the people on this forum. and, 3 roses, for your sake, i hope your new therapist has the curiosity and adventurer spirit to do some of his own research on c-ptsd,. i'd give him a gold star if he did. he has a black swan in his office who deserves all the care, gentleness, warmth, and competence he can gather in order to surround her with it. she is beautiful and must be treated as such.
I'm moved beyond words by the kindness of your posts. Thank you, everyone.
This morning is the first blank page of a brand new journal. I can write what I choose on the pages of my life - go where I will - not encumbered by the expectations of others, whether they wish me well or not. For so long I've been afraid, without realizing how deep that fear goes. I'm seeing it for the first time, these past few months, and I'm growing more and more willing and able to finally deal with it.
This morning I was able to push away the avalanche of worry and negativity that tried to descend on my waking mind. Today, I'll resist and fight! If only for one day.
one day counts. big hug.
We've had a long spell of bad weather that kept me from seeing my therapist again until today. I feel better about his expertise after talking to him today.
I started off by apologizing for bringing him some information on CPTSD from our Resources section. I told him I didn't mean to be rude or insulting, that my purpose was merely to share information. He thanked me and said he'd look at it, that he has met people from Australia (the print outs are from Blue Knot in Australia) and thinks they are further ahead in their understanding and treatment of trauma than here in the US.
We talked a little about the DSM and his views on how it's manipulated and tainted by politics and Big Pharma. This conversation left me feeling more of a connect with him, more respect for his knowledge and ability to help me.
After that, I took a deep breath and spilled my guts - well, a little bit anyway. I've never told anyone some of those things - in fact just within the last few years have I remembered a few of them myself. So, I'm getting there. He asked me then to do him a favor - that if I chose to not come back after divulging all that to him, that I would at least contact him to tell him so. He said often when people tell things for the first time, their next impulse is to run. I laughed and said that was good insight, I am deep down a runner of the first magnitude. *, I've even run and kept the truth from myself! How accomplished is that! :rofl:
It is now 7 hours later and I'm just now beginning to feel a little. I was numb until now. Came home and did some housework, full of nervous, jangly energy. Then I crashed. I may have trouble sleeping tonight but I think I did a good job of self-care for the most part.
Next appointment is the beginning of February. :) I'm looking forward to it.
yay for you, 3 roses! that's some courage you showed. i'm really glad you were able to get some of that stuff out, finally, dumping it into a place where it will be taken care of for you so you don't have to carry it around the same way as in the past.
very insightful, his 'diagnosis' of the dsm. so many therapists live by it. it's refreshing to hear of one who knows it for what it is.
dang, girl, you did good! you can be proud of yourself on many levels. keep taking care of you. i'm doing the same. we're in this together and will beat this beast!
:cheer: for you!
Very happy it went okay. It's hard and takes courage, and I know you have a lot of that, but courage doesn't make things easy. I'm so glad that he has been receptive and insightful.
Hope you get/got a really good sleep.
Very slowly I've been opening up. I am trying to be present & authentic at each session. But - it's hard. I get uncomfortable when faced with real, honest intimacy of any kind.
I revealed to him today the shame and guilt I carry everywhere. How I feel like a worthless human being. I said this one other thing to him, and we discussed it a few minutes. He asked questions to clarify what I was saying. He then said something that shocked me - that very same thing I said, he has heard from recovering ex-gang members who lived in the worst, most violent areas. I was kinda speechless. I know I have a tendency to minimize what I've been thru - so many of us do - but that truly was a big surprise to me! And - weirdly validating.
This time, I have homework. I am to write a letter to a younger me. Then, wait a while and have the younger me answer it. This is getting interesting.
o, 3 roses, how powerful that must've been! validating, indeed! it makes it all seem real, doesn't it, that how you feel, what you've been battling hasn't just been in your head, but has happened in the worst of worst circumstances? my heart and soul, dear friend. no wonder you've been so afraid of all this! your warrior spirit is shining through like a beacon in the long tunnel of darkness in which you've been trapped for so long. very proud of you!
i've done letters like that before, and they are interesting as well as eye-opening in themselves. good for you for having a go at all this. truly an inspiration of courage and determination. you go, girl!!! big hug!
Good luck with those letters, I think it's a great idea. I might try it sometime.
:hug:
Dear 30 year old me;
This sounded like such an easy assignment - until I started trying to find something to say to you. I've tried writing, no luck, so I thought I'd come here and try.
You are broken, lost, and desolate on the inside and you don't even know it. You only catch glimpses here and there, and usually only when you're drinking. Your children bring you so much joy, and you're frantic to "get it right" for them. Ironically, that frantic feeling is causing you to make mistakes in your rush and resolve to do better by your children than your own parents did.
I know this is hard to talk about, and dredges up feelings that you think are better left smothered and buried. But like an infected wound that needs to be lanced, it's going to need to be opened up to heal properly.
Imperfection in any form causes you to panic. Imperfection draws attention, scrutiny, and then pain. And sadly, success draws attention, too. Scrutiny of your success could reveal the fact that you don't know what you're doing, you're an imposter (so you believe); this would be bound to bring more pain, rejection, and dangerous introspection. Deep down you know you are guessing at what "normal" looks like and trying your best to replicate it. And you're doing all this while running from the truth as fast and far as possible.
You are exhausted.
When I close my eyes and let myself be transported back in time, back to you, to standing in your skin and seeing through your eyes, I can feel that sense of loss and betrayal that you are diligent to hide from even yourself. Honey, it's true. You are not making up what you've been running from. You're not imagining it, or making a big deal out of nothing.
You try to embrace the conventional opinion to "not think about it" - "leave the past behind" - "don't let it bother you". You're riding your bike away from the hurt but you're coming to a steep hill, and you won't be able to keep up the pace.
The answer, instead, is to slow down and turn and face your history up to this point. You know this - but it fills you with dread to even think about it. It's pretty big stuff!
The things you think are character flaws are symptoms of the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse you've been through. You didn't have an emotionally healthy childhood, so how can you be emotionally healthy now? The answer is: You can't. Not until you look at it. Look at ALL of it.
Let's call it what it is. You were repeatedly assaulted, with violent cruelty. You were regularly handled with contempt. The things you went through, if done today, would land your abusers in jail. If those things were done back then to another adult, your abusers would have gone to jail. That's how serious it was. You are not exaggerating.
So go easy on yourself. Take the time to learn who you want to be, not who you think you should be. Do what you love. Slow down, stop running. Walk at your own pace. Savor each little moment, and if someone criticizes you, tell them to take a flyin' leap! You are a beautiful, thoughtful, caring, loving person. Sure, you're not perfect, but you're not supposed to be! You're just supposed to be "good enough".
Love,
Yourself
Three Roses, that was a beautiful letter. I am so glad you seemed to have success with it on here when it wasn't coming out on paper. I am proud of you for being persistent and trying/succeeding here.
I want to give hugs to both you and thirty year old you :bighug:
We'll take that hug :D
:bighug:
:hug:
Today I feel defeated, lifeless, alone. Every attempt I make at reaching out leads to more exhaustion. I'm so ready to see my therapist again, in a few days.
It's so hard to be honest, tho, when I get there. How am I? Fine.
I'm drained and have no energy for the simplest of tasks.
I so get you Three Roses. The exhausting feeling of keeping it all inside and to guard the truth with your life. It's like you get stuck and can't move. I feel like that too. I think it takes a lot of energy to keep it inside, I think it wants to come out. I'm facing the same thing and want to bury it under a pile of blankets. Denial and fear. Maybe it's time to face the truth.
Let us stand by your side. Let's help each other, that's why we're here.
:hug:
Lingurine
With you in spirit, 3 Roses.
I know my version of how that feels, so I feel for you. I wish there was more I could do than to send a virtual hug, which this damn laptop keyboard is stopping me from making pictorial.
Anyway HUGS!
:hug:
:hug:
Saw my T last week, it was REALLY a heavy session. So much validation came from it. His office has been the only place I seem to be able to really let down and cry.
I tried to write the other letter, from my 30-yr old self to my now self, but the only response I seem to get is a vitriolic, confrontational lashing out. But T said that was good enough, just knowing what "her" response was.
I want to be done with all this introspection but I know that is not the healthy thing to do. It is a lot of work, and yes it's painful, but I'm starting to see how much more painful it's been to keep my emotions bottled up inside all these years. So good to let things, the truth, hit the air and be illuminated by someone else's insight.
I never really grasped that I was bottling up my emotions. After all, didn't I unleash with a good verbal thrashing every now & then? Didn't I tell people in no uncertain terms how I felt and what I thought? But now I see that this was to keep everyone at arm's length. Intimacy was a foreign thing to me, closeness was pain.
Truthfully, I still like to be distant & hidden from others, but I put on a good show. No one ever sees how dark it is inside me, how much loneliness and anger lurk there. Just typing that out made my heart pound a little! I know how to put on a happy face, how to do the "happy social" thing. But it's wearing on me, and I prefer to be alone but myself these days.
Lots of warm, safe hugs (if you want them) and compassion to you Threeroses. I am so in awe of your strength and am so glad you are sticking out the hard stuff. You sound like you are doing exactly what you need to be right now. I am so glad you can let it go in session with you T, he sounds very amazing. Keep up the amazing work. You are brave and so worth all of this effort. :hug: :hug:
:bighug:
dear, sweet 3roses, both then and now. what a gift you have given yourself and us. no wonder you became exhausted! it's hard enough holding this stuff in, but sometimes harder, still, to let it out because it goes against every grain of teaching we have learned from time immemorial.
still, you pushed through those walls that have been built, both by yourself and by others, and that takes a ton of energy. i hope you can give yourself a little break, breathe (as wife2 so wisely says), and rest. you deserve it after all that hard work. time to let your brain regroup and recuperate.
and, i agree with your t (who, i think, is doing a great job so far) that your response to the present you was just fine. more may come in the future, or it may not. the 30-yr. old you may not have anything else left for the present you after all the running she'd done.
keep taking care of you. i celebrate your courage, determination, and strength. i was also quite taken with the love you showed your younger you by calling her 'honey'. i have no doubt that came from your heart, and it shows what a great heart you have. that was a step toward intimacy with yourself. the rest will come in due course. big hug, my dear.
Thanks, all!
I feel very tired recently, and ache all over. It's hard to come up with words/language. I visited my cousin Monday and talked for the first time ever to someone in my family about my upbringing. Gee, do you think my tiredness could be related? ;)
I hope tomorrow is better, I hate feeling so drained & empty.
yeah, could very well be! i wouldn't be a bit surprised. i hope you can take it easy on yourself, rest. good for you for talking to your cousin. i can't imagine how energy-draining that might have been. big hug, 3 roses.
Rough therapy session today. It's hard to move, think, anything. But I think it's part of the process. I never expressed my feelings about my abuse, I guess it makes sense that it is overwhelming.
I am here with you Three Roses. Whatever you need, if that is the warmth of a reassuring hug holding you in a space of kindness and safety I am there for that. Or to help offer you warm tea, or a kind word. Whatever you need, I am with you :hug:
Thank you :hug:
The past couple of weeks, I've felt like quitting therapy. The only things that stop me are knowing that probably means I'm on the brink of a breakthrough, and that I told my T I would talk to him first if I wanted to quit.
Today was a good day tho, but I've got another appointment tomorrow. Hope this one is easier on me. :crossedfingers: :)
Rough session yesterday. Lots of pain came up. I know I need to get to the anger that I know is inside. Spent the rest of yesterday in a daze.
I will use my tools I've learned, and read today. I feel so tired.
:hug: Me too, I feel so tired. I had a good session yesterday, but it was rough too, if you see what I mean. I think it's normal to feel so tired after that. So much gets stirred up and has to find a new space and re-settle. I was really tired at the end of the session, then perked up again (adrenalin?) but today: I've been sleeping half the day. The most useful thing I've done all day is post on here.
3roses, that sounds like some major progress, talking about that anger. you are recognizing that it's in there, and acknowledging that you have to get to it. you go, girl! that was exactly how i started - it was a logical thing that it had to be there. i figured it was in there, it had to be. slowly but surely, i kept reaching for it. i finally got to it, and it was great.
standing right beside you with this one. i know it can be scary, but it's the roar, not the lion. remember that story? walk towards the roar, and you'll be safe - it only sounds dangerous, but it's really just hot air. big hug!
that tiredness is normal - your brains/minds are working hard on this stuff. blueberry, i beg to differ with you. sleeping, giving your mind some rest, was extremely useful for you. it deserves to rest, you deserve that sleep. that's not wasteful sleep, that's replenishing sleep. it's part of the healing cycle. big hug to you, too. you both are amazing!
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2017, 01:02:33 AM
that tiredness is normal - your brains/minds are working hard on this stuff. blueberry, i beg to differ with you. sleeping, giving your mind some rest, was extremely useful for you. it deserves to rest, you deserve that sleep. that's not wasteful sleep, that's replenishing sleep. it's part of the healing cycle. big hug to you, too. you both are amazing!
Thank you sanmagic, you're right! It's good you reminded me of this.
Sorry for the hijack, 3Roses.
Three roses, I hope you are feeling better today. Thank you for showing me such kindness yesterday, even when you were having a rough day yourself. I am so glad you are working on the anger that is in there. That is such great progress :hug:
Two steps forward, three steps back....
Have been in a long-lasting EF that I can't seem to shake. We are coming up on some rough subject matter in therapy and I definitely feel the strain. I think instead of divulging more of my background I'll take a detour if only for a while, and work on things he can help me with.
His background is in gestalt therapy and he says he uses it with all his clients. I can tell he feels confident about his knowledge and expertise and so I'm gonna let him take the lead for a while. He can't help me undo what's done, but he can help me learn better ways of coping, and more accurate ways of seeing myself.
sounds like a good idea to me, 3 roses. i truly believe we are the best monitors of how much we can take and when. sidetracks, detours, even putting on the brakes for a bit are not bad things. you're keeping yourself safe.
man, those ef's can be a total gritch, can't they? slowly may be what will help you most right now. i think you're doing so good with this, 3 roses, i really do. considering where you were when you were about to begin this therapy, and what you're realizing and facing now - that's an awful lot of progress to my mind.
one of the best trauma therapists i know has his background in gestalt. i've always liked the idea of looking at the whole picture rather than just the pieces that are out of place. so far, he sounds like he's been doing a pretty good job, but i'm also glad you're keeping your power as far as what you want to work on or with next. well done. big hug.
Saw this online today -
You are not a victim for sharing your story.
You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth.
And you never know who needs your light,
your warmth,
and raging courage.
This quote is great. Re. the last sentence, I do feel that sharing our experiences is helpful to others, often more than we know. That's the power of our wonderful forum.
Also, I keep meaning to tell you how much I like your signature: There's a future version of you that is proud that you were strong enough to make it. (Quoted for when you change it again. :wink:)
I'm standing beside you too, although I'm still keeping a concrete lid on my own pain while I wait for therapy. As you know only too well, keeping a lid on it is also a tough act. As a long-ago T said to me: The only way out is through. I often regret not sticking with that one, but she was prohibitively expensive.
That breakthrough can't be too far off for you. :bighug:
Agree, that quote is great!
raging courage - that sure abounds in this place. perfect.
Sitting here in my T's waiting room and it's jam packed with people here to attend an orientation of some kind. Nervous! :aaauuugh:
Three Roses, I am sitting right there with you :hug: I hope it goes well
Eyes on that vision of a future self. She's always calling you forwards.
sitting right next to you, running interference with the noise and general stimulation level. hope your session goes well. courageous you, 3 roses. big hug.
I have hit a snag. I was supposed to go to my therapist on 8/23 but cancelled. I now know it was because I am afraid, and I think I've got more memories that are ready to unearth themselves. At least that is what I'm afraid of.
Woke this morning after troubling dreams of not fitting in anywhere, harsh people, and witnessing abuse to innocents.
When I get this way my instinct is to run, cut all ties, hide myself away. I'm trying like "H E double hockey sticks" to not do that this time. I want to cancel all future appointments with my therapist, who is nothing but kind heated and helpful.
I welcome any honest feedback - positive or negative - from you all as I believe that will help me and help to ground me. Thanks.
Hi 3Roses,
I just wanted to say that I hope that you will do what is right for you, and maybe sticking with your therapist will be better than running away and hiding - that would be my instinct about it, as I think maybe your dreams are indications that you're on the brink of something that will be a break-through, and although that's scary, maybe it is meant to be.
You wrote that your therapist is 'kind heated and helpful' - and I repeated the typo, as my 'literal mind' read it in a few ways - and it made me smile. I hope you don't mind my commenting on that - I think you meant to say 'kind hearted' - but I also thought that having a 'kind heated' therapist might also be a helpful thing - i.e. they were 'working on things' and things were getting to a good temperature.
Sorry - I feel a bit like I'm over-stepping the boundaries here of what is 'suggestions' - but you asked for honest feedback, and I just wanted to share my reflections with you on some thoughts that came to mind when I read what you wrote.
I wish you the best and I hope you can get over this snag and see your way forward - you are such a supportive and lovely person, and I'd like to wish you well with getting over this perceived snag.
Hope :)
I'm sorry for all you're going through. Memories re-surfacing or on the cusp of doing so and their accompanying realisations can be awful. I know. And frightening. I'm sitting with you, if it helps.
***** TRIGGER WARNING *****When I read about your instinct to run etc. I immediately was reminded of my inner voice which says: 'The best plan would be to end it all, throw in the towel' and of my occasional overriding impulse to pull half my hair out by the roots, all in one go. This latter is fairly unusual and it seems to come out of the blue; it would be a really ramped up version of my usual self-injury. END of TW!!
I don't act on either impulse, actually. But the desperation is there and I'm feeling this in your post too. Unless I'm over-interpreting, which is possible.
You've reached out to us, and that's great. You're not following your flight or flight/freeze instinct completely. And you're really trying to stay, which is also great. :cheer: It sounds as if your T is good, a good match for you, so I probably don't need to recommend you stay with her and not cancel all future appointments, but this is a little reminder just in case.
How can you make it easier for yourself not to cancel upcoming T appointments? or IOW what do you (or Inner Children) need in order to stay with your T during and after snag time?
How is grounding going? Remember wife#2 says "Breathe" and Dee has the 5 Finger Rule for the 5 senses: hear 5 things, see 4 things, feel 3 things.... or something like that counting down your fingers. I get up and stamp and pat my arms and push off walls. You might have your different method(s). Whatever they are, try and use them.
Finally, take what is useful from my post and forget the rest. :hug: :hug:
Wow, you guys! Great insights from both of you! Thanks, it really helps :grouphug:
Kind heated ... Yes, I meant "kind hearted" and that's an interesting interpretation! I think you're on to something, Hope! :yes:
Blueberry - hmmm - the answer of what to do so I don't cancel isn't coming to me right now but I'll think about that. Good input!
This community is amazing! You've helped me lots.
Hi 3roses...,
I quickly glanced through some of the previous entries here, and found no reference to having some 'tactile' strategy to help you cope when you return to therapy (which I hope you do).
Anyway, sometimes strict talk-only therapy needs a boost to stay grounded. This can be as simple as just bringing a small but personally precious item, like a certain gem or shell, a feather perhaps, or even a puppet. You thus have a 'friend' of sorts with you, something comforting perhaps to interact with.
My T even allowed me to light some incense once--against the rules of her clinic, but...hey, she disabled the fire alarm for 5 minutes. Another time I brought a short CD with a favourite piece of music with. She also gave me a small incense stick scented with lavender to help me stay in the process (not dissociate which I'm prone to do).
Just a couple stray thoughts; sometimes I think just the pressure of thinking so much so hard might benefit from trying something tactile but simple.
Best to you... :hug:
Woodsgnome - yes! Tactile, I know exactly what to do next time to keep me from canceling. I have some different stones that represent different things to me, I'll see which are most appropriate and bring those, thanks!
I welcome any input anyone else has, positive or negative....
Quote from: Three Roses on August 27, 2017, 07:49:53 PM
Blueberry - hmmm - the answer of what to do so I don't cancel isn't coming to me right now but I'll think about that.
What to do could involve those stones you were telling WoodsGnome about... Some of us might have a chat with our Therapy Teddy Bear... Leave yourself some time, an answer might just come. ;)
:applause: :thumbup:
hey, 3roses,
remember the story about the lion and the roar? we hear the roar of the lion on one side of us and are scared, so we move to the other side to run away, and there lies the lioness, the true hunter, the real danger. we ran from a lot of hot air into the teeth of what can actually harm us.
the roar sounds scary and every nerve and cell in our bodies wants to run away from it. unfortunately, when we do, that's when we put ourselves in harm's way. that roar cannot hurt us, so walking toward it is what will eventually save us.
uncovering the truth, opening the lid of the pressure cooker where your memories have been stored, carefully with your kind-heated t right beside you, not making you do it alone, helping you every step of the way and knowing you're supported by loving caring people who accept you just as you are no matter what comes out, no expectations on you to be perfect at all, ever - is that the lion or the roar?
you have my heartfelt support no matter what you choose. i love the ideas that have been put forth to help you through this decision. you can go as slowly as you need to when walking toward the roar. you can stop and take a few beats before continuing on if you like. you can decide not to walk toward it, and it doesn't affect the love, caring, and acceptance coming your way. you are brave and a beautiful soul no matter what you choose. standing right beside you thru it all. love and hugs from the earth mother spirit who wants only the best for you, who enfolds you as she gathers you in to give you strength, determination, courage, and grounding. whatever you need, you'll have.
:bighug:
Love the story about the lion and the roar, sanmagic7. So very, very true!
I suspect I've always run from the roar. T gets warmer, I make a joke or change the subject. I've never been consciously aware of it at the time so I'm not certain I've done it, but 35 years of therapists can't
all have got me wrong.
[ETA: I falsely accuse myself. I listed my therapists overnight, and the majority contributed something of benefit. In fact, the only two who ought to have been struck off (preferably struck by lightning) were psychiatrists :roll: not therapists.]Enormous kudos to you, Three Roses, because I've watched you keep plugging on despite the fear.
My trauma therapy assessment interview is *
ulp* just over 24 hours away. :spooked:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 28, 2017, 03:13:49 AM
you are brave and a beautiful soul ...
I second that. :grouphug:
IMO we are all brave, beautiful souls
:grouphug: :grouphug:
i'll jump in on that
:grouphug:
So...I quit therapy. My T bless his heart said I should write to the head of my hmo's mental health department and ask for trauma informed therapy to be implemented there. It's just not getting me anywhere, it's not bad or hurtful and its nice to talk I guess but I really feel like I need much more specialized care than gestalt. Altho gestalt is good its just not enough, I've had tons of talk therapy and the problem isn't in my attitude or anything that's voluntary...
Hey, it's great that your T took it well and even had a suggestion for you on getting trauma informed therapy.
Good on you for taking the initiative and deciding that OK isn't good enough. :cheer: That is good self-care. :applause:
I hope you will be able to get that trauma therapy soon, Three Roses. ^^
All the best.
Big step, TR. :hug: I hope you and I can get the trauma-informed T we both need!
Not feeling very well these days. Now questioning my decision to suspend therapy. Spending most days in a highly triggered, agitated condition.
I am sorry to hear that. I am sending lots of love and warm hugs your way. :hug:
Sending you loads of support and kind thoughts your way.
There's an old saying about 'living the questions'. The perfectly right way is almost never immediately obvious, although it's the ideal that everyone longs for.
That said, and given that despite his lack of trauma work, you expressed some good vibes with him (or at least hinted at the benefit to having someone who listens to you), might you consider seeing him a bit longer, with the understanding you (and maybe he?) would continue to be fair-minded about your stated desires for a more trauma-oriented T? Or would that just be too awkward? And of course there's the dicey hmo stuff; like why aren't trauma-trained T's in their system as a given? Just seems odd.
Sorry if I seem impractical, but I tend to look for all options, even if unorthodox. Took me 10+ T's over 20 years to find a situation that finally feels like a good fit, so I know the frustration that can ruin everything.
I recall that you didn't leave him as a reaction to any perceived deliberate hurt on his part. Too glib for me to say you might explore returning, but just hoping so much for you to receive the best care available.
:hug:
my dear 3roses, to be highly agitated most of the time must feel awful. lots of sympathy and hugs for you :hug: :hug: :hug:
i thought that suggestion of wg's was pretty good. would that be a possibility for you - to go back to your t for stabilization until you find a trauma-oriented t? i realize you might feel embarrassed or some such, but from what you've written about him, i don't think he'd judge you in any sort of neg. way. just some food for thought.
in the meantime, we're on the porch, warm blanket with your name on it, some soothing tea, your pets to surround you with their own brand of unconditional love. you can chat or not, utilize your treehouse (such a brilliant idea) however it feels best. sending you angel wings to embrace you and calm your nerves. sometimes we don't know it's a mistake until we make it, and then it magically turns into an opportunity to learn and do something different. isn't that what recovery is all about?
all my best to you, my dear. you know i support whatever decision you make, whichever direction you choose. i just hate seeing you hurting. :hug:
Thanks for you suggestions, guys. :grouphug: I am considering getting in to see him again, or asking for a referral to a trauma-informed therapist; I think I'd also like a brain scan to check for damage.
My HMO doesn't distinguish between simple PTSD and CPTSD, but I'm hoping that will change someday soon.
i hope so, too.
:hug: to you Three Roses.
Hope :)
:grouphug:
Wishing you a Happy Birthday Three Roses :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks! :D
So it's really your birthday today too, Three Roses?
Ok then, Happy Birthday! :cake: :phoot: :party:
Thanks! 61 today ;D
Happy Birthday!!!!
Sorry, I can't do emoticons to brighten the page with festiveness. Imagine huge and bright celebratory, moving pics
Big birthday hugs to you.
Mighty glad you were born!
Happy birthday!
I hope it was lovely! Best birthday wishes to you!
happy, happy birthday, my dearest 3roses. congrats on making it another year. we could do a bonfire at the porch, roast wienies and make s'mores. i'll bring a mariachi band to serenade you. :fireworks: best birthday wishes ever! love and hugs.
Happy birthday! Well, I'm a little late. . . Well, maybe the festivities can last a little longer, huh?
:fireworks: :party: :phoot: :cake: :woohoo: :boogie:
Happy Birthday, Three Roses. ^-^
I vote for the party continuing as long as people are interested :D We could just hand it over to the next birthday person, and the next... how about that idea, Sceal? ;) ;) ;) happy bday
I read this online today and wanted to share it with all of you.
"today a friend said we need to stop apologizing on behalf of those we love, and it made me wonder what would happen if we did.
see, when you censor me, you tell me there's some of me that belongs in the dark, and it's not fit for public consumption.
perhaps if we quit letting Comfort call the shots, if we danced with Awkward though she moves off-beat, broken hearts wouldn't be so scared to speak."
Here's to dancing with Awkward :D
hear hear!!! i love that!
Quote from: Three Roses on November 21, 2017, 01:35:09 AM
I vote for the party continuing as long as people are interested :D We could just hand it over to the next birthday person, and the next... how about that idea, Sceal? ;) ;) ;) happy bday
I read this online today and wanted to share it with all of you.
"today a friend said we need to stop apologizing on behalf of those we love, and it made me wonder what would happen if we did.
see, when you censor me, you tell me there's some of me that belongs in the dark, and it's not fit for public consumption.
perhaps if we quit letting Comfort call the shots, if we danced with Awkward though she moves off-beat, broken hearts wouldn't be so scared to speak."
Here's to dancing with Awkward :D
Sure thing! Ever lasting party! :D Wonder who's next up :)
That is a nice saying! Awkward leads to far more laughter anyway than Comfort, so why not?
Quote from: Three Roses on November 21, 2017, 01:35:09 AM
I vote for the party continuing as long as people are interested :D We could just hand it over to the next birthday person, and the next... how about that idea, Sceal? ;) ;) ;) happy bday
I read this online today and wanted to share it with all of you.
"today a friend said we need to stop apologizing on behalf of those we love, and it made me wonder what would happen if we did.
see, when you censor me, you tell me there's some of me that belongs in the dark, and it's not fit for public consumption.
perhaps if we quit letting Comfort call the shots, if we danced with Awkward though she moves off-beat, broken hearts wouldn't be so scared to speak."
Here's to dancing with Awkward :D
Man, that's a pretty neat quote! It shows a certain emotional courage to it that's touching. Thanks for it!
(Apologies in advance - this is kind of long.)
Feeling like I've been run over by a stampeding herd of turtles.
(Sorry, my weird humor is coming out, heh heh.) ;)
My husband's birthday and my own are just a couple of days apart. I had a friend coming in from out of town to spend the night here for my bday, and then my husband's brother said that he was also arriving on the same day to spend some time with my husband for his bday, and I kind of freaked out a little bit. Okay - maybe a lot.
I don't know how I used to handle being social and taking care of things all day/everyday when I was younger. It's certainly beyond me now.
So anyway, there was all that to deal with, and an upcoming family get-together with my husband's family for the first time ever. But it all came out okay! We laughed a lot and all the things that I was afraid could happen never materialized. I had a great time, and then yesterday had the last little bit of interaction with his family.
So today I am feeling completely wiped out. It's 10 a.m. and I'm still laying in bed. Even my voice is deep like I have a cold or something. Very physical reactions to the stress that I've been under for the past week.
I've spent some time this morning going back over my journal here and reading everything that I had to say and all of your amazing, supportive responses. I have to admit I started this journal not feeling like I really wanted responses. But now I see that was just another form of fear, and your responses have all meant so much to me and I welcome them now.
I feel much better these days though and able to stand on my own two feet, altho my emotional feet do get sore. These last few months have been a time of great growth and insights for me, and I feel better than I was feeling before. I feel more like my old self, only without all of the denial and lost memories. I may be ready to start therapy again. We will see.
Hey, 3Roses, I'm so glad it all worked out OK, having so many celebrations and visitors within a short time, but nothing you feared happening did. Yay :cheer: :cheer:
Good to give yourself a rest after all that, good self-care.
:cheer: also for feeling better able to stand on your own feet, and more like your old self. That's really big progress. :cheer:
I like your imagery too hehe. Maybe when your emotional feet get sore you could prop them up on a passing turtle?
:bigwink: ;D
That's wonderful to hear Three Roses! :) Really happy it went alright for you. :hug:
:hug:
:hug:
3roses, you beautiful, courageous thing, you. stampeding turtles. absolutely loved that.
i'm just so glad you're feeling better, that you took that break, that you've worked thru enough to make a difference for yourself in a pos. way. that's the best. big hug full of laughter and love.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 25, 2017, 06:18:05 PM
Feeling like I've been run over by a stampeding herd of turtles.
:worship:
I love your sense of humor.
As for aching emotional feet, I say we blame those turtles. :whistling:
It's great you're able to find peace in yourself and your family. And great that you're able to finally rest. Not just giving yourself a break physically, but emotionally too.
It's probably still not perfect, but that's alright too.
Sorry for the length....
As I was reading on the Forum this evening, I started to think about growth. The growth I've seen in you all, the growth I've seen in me. And as I let my mind wander down that path, I remembered hearing a story about an experiment that was done in which humans and plants all lived in a biodome without interference from the outside world. Everything seemed to be going well until they realized that when the trees reached a certain height, they all fell over. It was then that the scientists who designed the biodome realized they had left out the element of wind.
Strong wind pushes us around, buffeting us. It stings our eyes and makes us put our heads down, leaning into the wind in order to make progress. And yet, some wind is necessary, for without it many things would suffer, trees among them.
A certain amount of wind is good for clearing debris, removing dead branches that sap the trees' energy, and provides pollination to some plants. Wind moves the air so that it doesn't become stagnant.
There are certain circumstances where staking a tree is the best thing for it and for its survival, but staking a tree that doesn't need it can hinder its development. A tree that is unnecessarily staked will develop a weaker trunk, and may not be capable of supporting itself when the time comes. The natural movement of the tree's trunk in the wind also helps the root system grow, further strengthening the tree.
And, in the cases where you do have to support a tree until it's better established, there always comes a time to remove the external support and let the tree stand on its own. Gardeners tell us that this should be done at the start of the next growing season.
There are numerous examples in nature of struggle being necessary for our development: In most cases helping a butterfly out of its chrysalis will prevent it from ever flying; helping a chick from its shell is hazardous and can cause the chick to exsanguinate.
"Who among us doesn't long for a perfect growing environment for ourselves, with no disruptions from outside influences? We strive to avoid the times of contrast and tension, when life's daily challenges push against us. When they do, the normal tendency is to curse them. If trees could talk, would we hear them curse the wind each time they encountered a storm?" (1)
These last few years, life has been a struggle. Some days my biggest accomplishment has been getting out of bed, or eating a meal. The daunting task of just surviving honestly felt at times it was just too much of a struggle, and not really worth the hassle. But recently I've been feeling better, and I'm glad I pushed through. I'm happier, stronger, more compassionate.
Struggle is never fun but we can use it to strengthen ourselves, if we approach it from the right angle.
(1) http://www.naturalawakeningsmag.com/Natural-Awakenings/April-2015/Strong-Winds-Strong-Roots/
I absolutely adore this thought process. Also thank you for providing a link as well. I am so glad that you are starting to feel better, and that the past few years of struggle are starting to break free. You deserve all the peace and happiness in the world. I am glad we can all grow together :hug:
growth can be a strange creature. bend a twig a certain way for a length of time, and it will grow sideways. put a seed in the ground and it won't grow unless it has what it needs, but when it does, the new plant still has to push and struggle to get out of the seed casing.
can we truly grow to be our best selves without struggle? without challenge? i don't know. however, i, too, see so much beautiful growth here coming from struggles and challenges of intimidating proportions at times. truly miracles.
3 roses, your growth has been a wonder to behold. the human spirit is an amazing phenomenon. :hug:
Thanks, you guys! :grouphug:
That's a wonderful and magically vivid analogy, 3Roses. Growth is an amazing thing. It's one of the greatest things about being human to me — the gift of imperfection means there is always more room to witness becoming better. And it's a gift to grow with you guys.
It reminds me of a story I've read. . . of a king's advisor. There were rumors of the king's advisor gazing into something at night with utmost care, as if carrying something delicate. People have remarked that he must have stolen gold or other treasures from the king. In reaction to this the king called his advisor and in fury, commanded him to confess what he had stolen.
But what he had hidden was his old dirty clothes as a poor man and in surprise, the king asked him to explain. "I keep these to remember why and how I've come so far." And seeing this, the king asked him for forgiveness and said he would never suspect him so much again.
That's a beautiful story dr :hug:
Quote from: Three Roses on December 16, 2017, 08:02:40 PM
These last few years, life has been a struggle. Some days my biggest accomplishment has been getting out of bed, or eating a meal. The daunting task of just surviving honestly felt at times it was just too much of a struggle, and not really worth the hassle. But recently I've been feeling better, and I'm glad I pushed through. I'm happier, stronger, more compassionate.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I just read your Journal entry for 16th December, Three Roses, and it's so great to see you're feeling stronger - :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: to you 3 Roses. Hope you have some positive things ahead in 2018.
Hope :)
Thanks! I want it to be a great year for us all. :grouphug:
I too wish you a wonderful new year ahead. Filled with hope, strength and healing.
Yes, Happy New Year to you too 3Roses. I wish you a new year filled with growth and love. Take care. :hug:
**TW**
*********
I guess I've been in a sort of relapse. My moods are dark and angry. Not at anyone but myself. It's been hard to make coherent sentences in speaking and writing. I want to run from everything familiar and go somewhere I'm not known and make a fresh start. I'm shaky and have no energy. I can't concentrate on books or movies, I start them and leave them half finished. I can't even cook or do dishes without feeling bitter, resentful, and bordering on violent.
I'm doing my best to keep this all internal so I don't hurt anyone's feelings. I know, really know, I need to continue with some sort of therapy even if it's not the type I think is best for me.
Can't wait for some sun and spring time weather.
I am sorry to read you are going through a relapse. It sounds awful!
I don't have many words, but my thoughts goes out to you
a wise friend once told me something, and i'm going to pass it along to you.
wrap your arms around yourself and pretend it's a warm, loving hug from me.
i hope you find what you need soon. thanks for sharing. i'd love to bring you tea and comfort on the healing porch if you're so inclined, and a blanket full of sunshine and daffodils.
Thank you for sharing, Three Roses. I am sorry things have been so hard, but often it is out of those times that we get some of the best insight and healing. I do really wish I could take some of it from you, to give you some much needed comfort. Sending a lot of healing and love your way my dear :hug:
Three Roses wrote: "...Can't wait for some sun and spring time weather."
No need to wait--look within your heart. See it helping you discover the sun and spring right now, in your deep soul.
How do I know you'll find that within? I see it on this forum frequently, in so many posts you make here. Now it's time to shed some of that light inward. :hug:
I'm sorry, 3Roses! Have some :hug: and :grouphug: and :sunny: :sunny: :sunny:
I know well the feeling of wanting to run and make a fresh start somewhere, tho I don't get it much any more. I hope that you continue to come here and allow us to support you! You give so much here, that I hope we can give you lots back when you're down. :bighug:
Hi Three Roses,
I just wanted to give you a warm and gentle hug, :hug: and say that I hope that you are ok - I know that you are facing a time of darker moods and finding it tougher - and I really hope that the Spring will come soon and brighten your life with the lovely flowers and in the meantime, that you know how much we all appreciate you - I think the month of January and February is often cold and wet and enhances darker moments somehow.
:hug: to you, Three Roses.
Hope :)
Oh, you beautiful people. You are my tribe :grouphug: :hug: :cloud9: 💙
right back atcha, cutie pie. :grouphug:
Hey, 3Roses. Relapses are a terrible thing. It somehow hurts more when everything has been going better, and it adds a hopelessness to life. I hope you can find at least a little hope in us. Take care.
:hug:
Talking about how i was feeling was very helpful. Everyone's responses then brought me healing. Thank you for your input! I love seeing how everyone's posts may come from different angles but still contain the support (and dare I say love?) we need to make adjustments. You guys rock! :yourock: :party:
You can definitely say love, Three Roses :hug: :hug:♥️ I think that is accurate, at least from my stand point. I am so glad that you shared, and that it was helpful. We are always here to listen and offer any help we can :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
Thanks, everyone. :grouphug:
**
My late F's hobbies included painting and sculpture, specifically sculpting in wood. Of course, when he passed, both his kids inherited these works.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a museum to him. Sometimes I would really like to not have all of these sculptures and paintings that I have to look at all the time, but my kids want me to hold on to them until they're ready to have them.
Some of them are put away, and for the most part, I usually enjoy the ones that are displayed. But sometimes it hits me right in the gut. And I think, This is the beautiful work of my father. It is the one area where I saw, and see, his tenderness and deep regard for nature and children, and a bit of his sense of humor.
Yesterday, I was looking for some tax documents and ran across a drawing that he'd made years and years ago. It was of me. One of his favorite things to do was to draw cartoons of people; he had always done this ever since he started drawing when he was just a boy. I think I remember him saying that it was a sincere form of flattery. I don't know how anyone could feel flattered by seeing any of the cartoons he drew of any of us.
So anyway. Back to yesterday. At first I was amused by this cartoon, and filled with kind of nostalgic longing. Then today as I was looking at it again, I saw just how unflattering this cartoon really is. And I went from going to put it up on the refrigerator to putting it back in the file box where I found it.
This is huge, huge progress for me! I was indoctrinated into accepting criticism and all sorts of abuse from this man. And finally, I feel like I am shaking that off, like an old coat that doesn't fit anymore and is too warm or not warm enough and uncomfortable in every way.
Quote from: Three Roses on February 07, 2018, 05:15:25 PM
And I went from going to put it up on the refrigerator to putting it back in the file box where I found it.
This is huge, huge progress for me! I was indoctrinated into accepting criticism and all sorts of abuse from this man. And finally, I feel like I am shaking that off, like an old coat that doesn't fit anymore and is too warm or not warm enough and uncomfortable in every way.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :hug:
Way to go :cheer: :cheer:
wow! well done, 3roses. what a huge step.
that one act, putting the cartoon back into the box, says so much about how you've grown into being more true to you. i'm so glad you're not willing to accept criticism of any kind from any source. huge step. yay, you. love and a big hug.
And just like that I'm back to square one. It's my own fault really. I wasn't as careful as I usually am.
I'm not good with closeness, I'm seeing that more and more clearly. I do have really good friends but they're all emotionally distant, like me. So they understand when I withdraw from contact. They don't take it personally, just as I do not when they are unreachable. I know all I have to do is wait patiently for the clouds to clear for them. They will talk to me again when they are able.
I'm reminded of a quote I read the other day, from the actor Zachary Quinto: "I found myself in a pattern of being attracted to people who were somehow unavailable, and what I realized was that I was protecting myself because I equate the idea of connection and love with trauma and death." This resonated with me like the town square tower bell!
―
I was feeling very down so I went to my daily meditation book for 12 steps. As usual it was eerily appropriate:
"I like people, and at one time I wanted everyone to be my friend. With the best of intentions, I tried to encourage friendships with certain individuals, although my attempts were repeatedly, discreetly rebuffed.
I was comforted by the words I heard at the close of each Al-Anon meeting: '... though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you.' It was an important lesson that, while I can't have everyone's friendship, I can offer and receive respect, support, and understanding. Patience and humility soothed my wounded pride.
It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation, I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."
(From: Courage To Change)
Doing my best to raise myself up. I may have to take a few things off my plate, it's pretty crowded.
Those are some very insightful quotes, and thoughts. I am glad that you found something that resonate directly with you. I have also been ag a stage where I felt like I needed everyone's friendship and affection, or it reflected poorly on me as a human. It is hard to get out of that mindset, it sounds as if you are making a big leap in that direction :cheer:
I do hope that your plate can clear some, you definitely deserve some peace and rest. Sending hugs and love :hug:
Me too, 3Roses, I hope you can clear a bit more off your plate. Sounds as if it's heaped full. :hug: :hug:
Thanks 😍
Feeling quite a bit better today, hoping it carries thru til tomorrow. I've been eating better (not so much junk), and taking vitamins. Still titrating down on the Prozac. Of course it helps that it's a sunny day, and there were 5 deer in the yard this morning. Think I'll try to go for a walk later today, too.
holy moley, didn't realize you're in the midst of getting off prozac right now. well, that could muddle things up a bit.
deer in your yard - very cool.
my hub and i used to read 'just for today' kind of stuff out of various 12-step books we had. it was astonishing how many times those would hit on something pertinent for what was going on in our lives.
i, too, felt i needed everyone to like me, but it was out of the misplaced notion that such a thing would prevent me ever feeling alone again. weird how that same concept can mean such different things to different people. i went out of my way to cultivate people by being all the things i thought they wanted/needed, never gave up. as it turns out now, they're all gone. mostly cuz i quit.
emotional distance as a protective shield from trauma/death. very telling.
keep taking care of you, 3roses. you so deserve your love. love and hugs to you from me. too.
So glad you are beginning to feel better, Three Roses. I hope you got your walk outside today. Sending hugs and love full of healing warmth :hug:
Thanks, everyone!
It's truly been one of the biggest things I need to recover from. I've heard it called "the disease to please". But I don't see it that way - in my past, displeasing, hurting, angering someone was the first step in a long, painful spiral down into severe abuse.
It's not a disease I caught. It's not a trait I inherited. It's not a character flaw. It is a once useful coping skill that my tiny self used for survival, which is now outdated, cumbersome and dysfunctional.
I simply must be ready to hear the disapproval of others - to hear when I've been hurtful - to examine my missteps, and see them as just that - and not some terrible breaking of rules that call for my punishment. This goes so deeply within me.
when the bulk of our experience has been absolute punishment for stepping out of line, rocking the boat, making a mistake, it's difficult to throw off that cloak of fear and caution. you're absolutely right that being cautious and distant is no disease or any of those other labels. i do hope that you will be able to continue making those steps, no matter how small, to being more open, showing those tiny slivers of vulnerability.
you, 3roses, and the others here have allowed me that vulnerability, and i'm so very grateful. it was difficult, but so gratifying in the end. thank you for that. warm, loving hug to you.
Small news but a relief to me - my friend and I (who I thought I'd hurt) have talked on the phone and she was afraid of the same thing! Seems like both of us felt we had hurry the otter, but were unhurt ourselves.
I'm relieved.
Edited to add note to self; remember to prod read before hitting "post".
Hurry the otter should read "hurt the other" :rofl:
So happy to hear that you have both cleared the air, and that no one was actually hurt!
:yeahthat:
I am glad things went well between you and your friend, Three Roses. :hug:
Hope :)
It's a sweet relief when all the fear is just a misunderstanding. People talk about how we have the illusion against the ugly truth, but to not see the beautiful truth is as much as a mistake as that.
Take care, 3Roses. :hug:
Badly dissociated. Can barely speak. Can't write very well either. Massive headache. Trouble putting thoughts together. All I want to do is sleep. I am so withdrawn. But I wanted to track it by writing it down here. Triggered in a social situation yesterday.
:hug: :bighug: :bighug: if not too 'close', or just standing with you.
I'm glad you wrote it TR.
I wish there was more help I could give other than sending caring thoughts.
I know it can feel interminable, but it's not.
Please be kind to yourself
with you all the way, 3roses. warm, gentle, caring hug filled with love and comfort. maybe a visit to the porch may help.
Sending you strength to fight the dissociative state. I hope you feel better soon!
Hi Three Roses,
Just wanted to add a very gentle hug - hope you feel better soon, and that you're ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks everyone! Feeling better. I'm thankful for this place. :hug:
So glad to hear that Three Roses, sending warm hugs and hopes you continue to feel better :hug:
That's wonderful to hear. :hug: