Alone for the holidays

[Ruby]

I will be spending the holidays alone and this is the tenth year I end up like this.
Not sure what to do because I have tried different things but feeling lost now.

Have you been isolated because of overwhelming pain? I don't know how to interact with people when I'm like this. I feel I have no skin.

Wanted to volunteer and serve Xmas dinner at an elderly people's place, but with my low energy level and social anxiety I don't think they will enjoy my presence. When I'm this low I tend to burn food. I feel afraid to even look at people so intense my internal pain is.

I worked so hard to avoid this scenario this year and here it all coming at me again.
I am a mess, can't even go get some groceries as that triggers tons of intense emotions and mental pain.

[Dee]

I think that serving dinner is an excellent idea.  I think you are selling yourself short too.  How do you know what they will think?  It sounds very much like black and white thinking.  That there is no good, all bad in this situation. 

I isolate badly.  Sometimes I just have to do it and plan scenarios to ease my anxiety.  It really helps me to plan in advance.  For example, I recently saw my old coworkers.  With my therapist we planned potential situations and questions and what I would say.  We also planned how to focus on what I am willing to talk about.  I went with way less anxiety, stuck to the plan, and it really helped. 

Perhaps if you start to feel panicked you can excuse yourself and go to the restroom and do some deep breathing.  I also carry a stress ball.  If I start to feel overwhelmed I can work some of it out on my ball.  I can also bring some relaxing music and take a break in my car and listen to it until I feel more grounded. 

[Three Roses]

I like helping by cleaning in the kitchen. You can really lose yourself in scrubbing pots and pans and making sure there are enough glasses, silverware, etc. And if you're busy, no one will fault you for not making idle chatter with them. 

I liked what Dee said about making a plan ahead of time. If you don't have a therapist to help you with this, maybe a friend could brainstorm with you. Or, the people here could. 

[Sienna]

Hey Ruby,
Im sorry your are in so much pain. But i am with you.
Its here for a reason, and you have every right to feel it, but i know it sucks.
I wish that others could just understand and accept the pain you are in. That you didnt have to hide.
It seems that you are worried that people will see your pain?
It makes sense if we have been hurt in the past. There is a need to protect ourselves there.

I admire you wanting to make your xmas a better one, being with people, especially when its so difficult for you.
Im not sure what to say about the social anxiety, as i havent found anything that helps me yet.

Do you have a therapist who you can talk this out with? Who can suggest ways to cope-whatever you end up doing this xmas?
Or maybe there is somewhere else you could go to have lunch...if you feel you can eat..
It sounds like you could do with being taken care of yourself...I hope I'm not jumping to crazy conclusions here.

[Kizzie]

I had a big bell go off when you wrote "I feel like I have no skin" - I have social anxiety too and when it gets bad that is exactly how I feel, as though people can look right into me.  Quite honestly, I can't bear to be around people other than my H and S when that's the case.  Three years ago it got really bad and my GP sent me to a psychiatrist who tried a few different meds and one just took the edge right off - Celexa.  She said she has had a lot of great results with it and luckily that held true for me.  I don't know if you're currently taking any prescribed meds, but it may be something to ask your GP/T about.

Another thing I did was become a member of an online support group for social anxiety - http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/.  Much like coming here it helped me realize that I was one of many people who struggle with social anxiety disorder and just knowing that seemed to bring down my anxiety, never mind talking with others who suffer.  There is all kinds of great information about SA there too. 

There is a T who has CPTSD and SA - Pete Walker - who writes about not even being able to take his garbage out at one point in case his always kind and sweet elderly neighbour saw him (saw into him).  Social anxiety is a major symptom of CPTSD according to Walker. It's in his book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" in case you haven't read it already.   

I also did an online course in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for people with social anxiety and that was quite good as I could work away at my own pace - https://www.learntolive.com/.  That's just the course I did 2-1/2 years, there may be others now.

Together it all helped and my SA is much less intense and frequent than it used to be.  I hope some of this will help you too. Please try to be as kind and compassionate with yourself as you can be, especially during the holidays.  You are not defective, you have a disorder which makes social encounters very difficult, but there are some things that can help, it's a matter of finding what works for you.